NORFOLK, Va. — A US Marine currently drowning in a sea of debt is calling the US Coast Guard to ask if they can throw him a life ring, sources confirmed today.
Cpl. Barry Atwood says he is desperate to stay afloat amid the purchase of multiple souped-up motorcycles, gaining an unhealthy gambling habit, and his wife’s ever increasing LuLaRoe addiction.
“I get my $3200 on Friday, and wake up Sunday morning with no money in the bank,” said Atwood, who called the Coast Guard yesterday afternoon in an uncontrollable panic.
Atwood joined the Marines out of high school in 2014. But after three years in the military and a marriage to his high school sweetheart, he’s racked up $62,000 in credit card debt.
“MAYDAY MAYDAY,” called Atwood, “I need a savings plan, debt consolidation, and a rescue swimmer to immediately get me out of here.”
Sources say that over the years, Atwood bought a new Ford Mustang, spent $20,000 on his wedding, bought a bunch of gold-plated HDMI cords, and wasted an untold amount on vaping accessories.
While all the purchased seemed reasonable at the time, the problem was compounded by his wife’s obsession with Herbalife, Pampered Chef, Rodan + Fields, and Mary Kay.
Atwood thought he could afford to spend whatever he wanted since he thought credit cards were unlimited money from the land of Moneyville where the Sequoia Money Trees grew to the sky, defense officials said.
“It’s like I’m on a ship that’s sinking and I just keep hitting icebergs,” Atwood told reporters, as he was being rescued by the Coast Guard.
“Sir, the most powerful way to grow your money is learning to live with less, take 10% of each paycheck and put it into savings, invest early and diversify your bonds, and don’t forget to set up a rainy day fund to cover emergency expenses.” Coast Guard Rescue Swimmer Jared Miramontes told Atwood.
Miramontes was then hoisted back to Air Station Elizabeth City to await yet another young member of the military in utter financial distress.