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Lonely CIF clerk holding out for soul mate in perfect condition


FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Darren Johnson, ten-time employee of the year at the Fort Bragg Central Issue Facility, has had trouble finding Mrs. Right despite his numerous awards.

“I don’t have high standards for women, I just uphold the common standard better than other people,” Johnson told reporters while rejecting a soldier’s unused sleep mat at the CIF return counter.

“I know there’s someone out there for me who’s beautiful, rich, and educated who has never had a boyfriend,” said Johnson, who is 38 years old with a lot of credit card debt and a liquor problem.

Johnson’s longtime friend and fellow CIF clerk, Denice Bagley, supports Johnson’s idealism.

“Johnson provides the absolute best for soldiers, so he deserves the best in his private life too,” Bagley commented, while accepting a rucksack turn-in that Johnson had disqualified only the day before.

“That flawless person Darren’s looking for is out there somewhere searching for an average but highly selective man like him,” said Bagley. “He has to hold out so they can both be happier together.”

Things haven’t always been great for this pair of friends, though.

“Before I met my husband, Darren and I went on a date,” Bagley said. “It was going pretty well until he noticed a birthmark on my shoulder. When I told him there was no way I would cover it up with a sharpie marker, he told me to come back when I was in better condition than I was issued. It was a few months before we could be friends again.”

When asked whether he had any current romantic prospects, Johnson was hopeful.

“Things have been pretty lonesome lately, but I got a Tinder date lined up for this weekend with a gal who looks serviceable. If things go well, I plan on doing a full layout and inspection before the night is over.”

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