NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Maj. Gen. Terry Haston, the adjutant general for the Tennessee National Guard who ended and ruined several careers over a lighthearted reenlistment video featuring a puppet, has revealed that he was severely mistreated by a dinosaur puppet as a child, sources confirmed today.
The T-rex puppet, worn by his uncle Steve and nicknamed “Dangersaurus,” was the cause of enormous emotional trauma for the young Haston.
“If you experienced the horrors I did, you’d know that we have to stay focused on what really matters in the military, and that’s the perils of dinosaur puppets,” Haston told reporters. “Trust me, if I talked while Uncle Steve was watching TV, Dangersaurus would slap me silly. I didn’t like it, and neither would anyone in our military.”
Haston knows a threat to good order and discipline when he sees it, adding: “Dinosaur puppets are just like tattoos and having fun: an unequivocal indicator of moral depravity and inability to do your job.”
Still, although the woman taking the oath of enlistment has been punished and reassigned for her actions, Haston expressed sympathy for her situation.
“Dangersaurus made Uncle Steve do horrible things too, like inject drugs and shout at Aunt Kathy,” Haston said. “I suspect that our offender would not have recorded such a depraved viral video without the pressures of her dinosaur puppet.”
Dr. Jeff Wolbers, a child psychologist, confirmed Haston’s personal narrative.
“Unlike the controversial video, child abuse is an example of a real, serious, and lasting offense,” said Wolbers. “Haston must have been abused by a dinosaur puppet for an extended period of time because there is literally no other reason to cause more harm to the people involved and their families through punishment than the video caused to begin with.”
When asked why the general had delivered harsher penalties for a harmless video than for actual instances of violence, sexual abuse, or drug use in the military, Haston maintained that was an unfair comparison.
“Unlike this video, those things are done in secret, so I have no way of knowing whether a dinosaur puppet was involved or whether there’s enough publicity for me to care.”