WASHINGTON – The National Association of Ghost Horses, or NAGH, has spoken out against a memorial for military working dogs, sources confirmed today.
“It’s a matter of fairness,” said Cincinnati, NAGH’s spokeshorse. “We horses have borne the worst of the battle, and haven’t received a fraction of the adoration military working dogs do. We’re stomping mad. I, for one, had to carry Ulysses S. Grant’s fat ass into battle, where I watched my brother horses get bayonetted. Little Fluffy did what? Sniffed something? He sniffed something and everyone thinks he should get a statue.”
He added: “We collectively raise our lovely manes to say ‘neigh’ to this injustice.”
The military working dog memorial at Lackland Air Force base in San Antonio, Texas, depicts dogs standing around, sniffing things, and possibly barking, which are all rather unimpressive feats according to NAGH members.
“Seventy-five pounds. That’s how much Just Ulysses S. Grant’s ass weighed. Not even the rest of him, his kit, his revolver, and his whiskey. Just his squishy, sweaty ass,” said Cincinnati. “We horses literally bore the weight of battle. What’s Fluffy carrying? Just a tiny vest and doggles. Fuck that furry POG.”
NAGH members have been politically active in the past in preserving combat horses in American monuments. After striking a watershed agreement in 1866 where NAGH members agreed to include a Confederate general in every NAGH memorial.
Though the overall heroism of the soldiers is important, they all agreed that the horses should be the mane focus.
“It’s funny how the Army song is about the caissons rolling along, but then no one thinks of who was pulling the caissons,” said Duke, William T. Sherman’s favorite horse. “That was my buddy from basic training out there. You know who wasn’t pulling a caisson? Fuckin’ Balto having an Iditarod fantasy in the Somme.”
Chips, spokesdog for the Working Dog Memorial, feels that although working horse memorials are also important, they’re all on the same quadruped team.
“The nature of war has changed,” said Chips. “My handler’s grandfather was at the Battle of the Bulge, but he’s walking me around Customs at Al Uided. We all do our part. Those horses need to rein it in. Turns out you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him think.”
“Besides,” Chips added. “I heard that after Cincinnati and his ‘band of brothers’ hit up a donkey show, there were a whole lot of mules.”
General Scott, the West Point mule mascot, could not be reached for comment.