SCOOBA, Miss. – A 19 year-old soldier from Scooba, Miss. is hoping for World War III to break out so he can carry on his family’s storied lineage of redneck GIs marrying exotic war brides, sources confirmed today.
“My daddy met my momma in Bosnia, and his daddy before him married a girl outta Saigon. My great granddaddy got him a French lady during the liberation,” said Spc. Billy Compton, often referred to by his fellow soldiers as a multicultural yokel. “We been carrying on like such since my thirty-some-odd-time great grandpappy, Genghis Khan went gallivantin’ in Russia.”
Fluent in multiple languages, but all in a thick southern drawl, the young private eagerly awaits a deployment to any one of the multiple theaters of combat that will inevitably explode as a result of a third global war.
“My family ain’t got no North African, Scandinavian, or Pacific Island in it yet, so ideally we’d go to war with one of them,” said Compton, shotgunning a beer from the bed of his Japanese pickup truck on cinder blocks, which also features a Coexist sticker on the bumper and TruckNutz swaying gently in the breeze.
“I keep trying to send him to Afghanistan,” said Compton’s 1st Sgt. James Forst. “But he just shakes his head and says ‘we already done got kin that’s Afghan,’ whatever the hell that means.”
Even in the face of disciplinary action, Compton refuses to step foot anywhere his forebears have already been.
“If there’s two things we don’t take kindly to in this family, it’s a lack of genetic diversity and an intolerance of other cultures,” growled a stinkeyed Compton, spitting in his dip bottle.