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ISIS Recruit stuffs goat into amnesty box

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MAYADEEN, Syria — ISIS recruit Abdul Mourad stuffed a live goat into an amnesty box early yesterday morning, sources familiar with the incident say.

The young goat could be heard baying by men who slept in sweaty tents near the desert in Eastern Syria.

“Good lord, someone’s going to town on that thing,” someone murmured, rolling over, hoping to catch a few minutes more sleep before another day of intensive training began.

ISIS training is notoriously rigorous and entrants are expected to disavow “earthly” pleasures, including those associated with the idyllic farmyard. In recent months, ISIS senior command has complained about lax discipline and, according to sources familiar with the matter, a scarcity of prime breeding goats for themselves.

“One of the perks of leadership,” complained an ISIS battlefield commander who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Is to have your pick of brides, of land, of livestock, of slaves. When I was a young recruit, I spent my days wiring and rewiring my standard-issue suicide vest; I spent my nights dreaming of martyrdom. This slovenly lot they pass onto us now, they are deviants and fornicators already without having earned these privileges.”

Among the men, opinions were mixed on what is referred to dismissively as “the old guard’s” mentality about afternoon barnyard delight.

“These pigs,” said one enlisted recruit. “They’ve fatted themselves on the conquest of weak, westernized regions. When they were on the ground, they took Damascus. They would raid Starbucks for breakfast and then raid a sushi bar for dinner. Today, we fight Russian FSB and American CIA in the dust and rubble like men.”

“Of course, we take their goats,” he added, spitting. “They better watch out that we don’t start taking fat-bellied commanders who whine like goats.”

In response to complaints about discipline, ISIS command has instituted harsh penalties for contraband materials, which includes all manner of farm animals.

“A goat is a biggie. That would result in immediate execution by decapitation. We have performed three already this week, unfortunately,” said another anonymous ISIS commander, while thumbing distractedly through goat pictures on his iPhone.

But, in an effort to ease rising anxiety among recruits of the terrorist group, ISIS command has installed several Amnesty boxes, boxes in which recruits can anonymously drop off contraband material without fear of punishment, on training grounds. Amnesty boxes are checked frequently, even twice hourly, by a command eager to instill discipline in the beleaguered ranks.

At press time, there was a line of grinning officers who rubbed their palms together and licked their lips as they waited for Mourad to finish depositing the goat into the amnesty box.

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