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Trump affirms support for troops so long as they don’t get captured, tortured, elected senator, killed by brain cancer

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PITTSBURGH — President Donald Trump reaffirmed his unwavering support for the troops who have not been captured, tortured, elected senator, or killed by brain cancer, in a speech today.

“I love America and all true Americans,” Trump said, speaking to a group of civilian workers at a munitions plant in Pennsylvania. “But serving your country honorably in the military, withstanding years of torture, serving the nation in Congress, and especially dying of brain cancer, aren’t what makes someone a true American.”

The president further clarified that his comments were not referring to anyone specifically and definitely were not related to that one time “someone” disagreed with him on policy or the time that same “someone” didn’t invite him to his stupid funeral that was probably lame and sad anyway.

From there Trump launched into a list of accusations regarding former Sen. John McCain, which aides have clarified was completely unrelated to his previous remarks. The accusations included that the deceased senator pushed for the Pearl Harbor bombing, tried to give Arizona to Pancho Villa, and is Michael Cohen’s biological father.

The president ended his speech by asking the crowd if there were any veterans present. When several raised their hands, he thanked them for their service and told them they were welcome for his before pausing only briefly to have one attendee with a POW patch escorted out of the building.

The McCain family has since issued a statement condemning Trump’s remarks but acknowledging they may be part of the commander in chief’s grieving process.

“When he sent flowers to John’s funeral that said ‘Boom, roasted’ we weren’t sure how to feel about it,” said Cindy McCain. “Some people deal with loss in hurtful, unnecessary ways, and I guess this is one of them.”

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