Saruman the White selected to oversee implementation of Army-Palantir contract

The U.S. Army’s ‘Cyber Center of Excellence’, Fort Gordon in Augusta, Ga., hosted a multi-service ‘NetWar’ to show, and build, cyber Warrior capabilities Tuesday, June 10. Twenty-eight Soldiers, Airmen, Navy and Marine Corps computer professionals comprised four teams representing the U.S. Army’s active, reserve and National Guard with one Joint-services team that included a U.S. Special Operations Command civilian. The scenarios tasked teams to reach three kinetic objectives given notional operation orders and varying levels of difficulty. Manipulating in miniaturized city structures the mimicry encouraged communication and knowledge sharing. “It reinforces the idea of a truly blended battlefield,” Army Chief Warrant Officer 3 Sam Blaney, (center) an information and technology manager for the Georgia National Guard’s joint force headquarters in Marietta, Georgia. “It challenges us while testing our mettle to overcome in a crunch.” Team Bravo, the multi-state U.S. Army National Guard team, completed the first mission through innovation and teamwork. “They were the first to write their own script (computer specific algorithm code) and use SQLMAP (an open source database takeover tool) to clear their objective,” Tim Medin, SANS Institute CyberCity co-creator and exercise facilitator, said. (Georgia Army National Guard photo by Staff Sgt. Tracy J. Smith)

ISENGARD, Middle-earth — Shortly after revealing that Palantir would be implementing the new Army intelligence system, the service announced a partnership today with stalwart ally and pillar of the intelligence community, Saruman the White.

Head of Palantir’s defense business Doug Philppone praised the move.

“We were just thrilled for the opportunity to take the reins of the most massive intelligence gathering system outside of Barad-dûr and tapping Saruman to oversee the transition is just smart business,” Philppone said. “Truly a win-win-win for all the peoples of Middle-earth.”

Philippone, who is definitely not the first of many clones of a man named Doug Philipp, was initially surprised at Saruman’s familiarity with proprietary systems, but he has since come to expect nothing less from the leader of the white council.

“It’s true that Saruman has been recently branching out into other areas, such as munitions development and recruiting demi-human capital, but he has always been primarily focused on intelligence gathering,” Philippone added. “Truly, it was a wise decision to join with his power. I really couldn’t see it happening any other way.”

Saruman expressed thanks for the Army’s trust in him and vowed that he would help them usher in a new world.

“Who can stand against the might of the U.S. Army and Palantir? Surely not those horse-riding fools in Rohan,” Saruman said. “I hear they transmit all their comms in plain text.”

This is not the first time Saruman has assisted the Department of Defense as a sub-contractor, although previous instances were coordinated by long-time defense contractor Raytheon.

A spokesperson from Raytheon expressed disappointment at the decision to award the contract to Palantir, citing their previous successes in modernizing the Army entrail reading program and referencing their extensive history working with Saruman. Raytheon also wanted to assure its shareholders that this would have a minimal impact on profits and reminded them that Raytheon was still the contractor of choice for the armies of Gondor and the Silvan Elves of Mirkwood.