WASHINGTON — Marines across the active and reserve force have sent letters and homemade cards to former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis for Father’s Day, sources confirmed today.
Officials confirmed they became aware of the card writing activity within the ranks when an unusual number of requests came in for construction paper, glitter glue, and puff paint from Marines worldwide.
Pentagon spokesman Daniel Hazelrig confirmed the DoD was both aware and supportive of the cards and characterized them as “absolutely heartbreaking.”
“The cards are cute but it really makes you feel for these young Marines,” said Hazelrig. “So many messages asking if it’s their fault, what they did wrong, and promising to be more lethal if Mattis will just come home. It really tugs at your heartstrings.”
Mattis resigned from his post in December of 2018 in a move which Pentagon officials at the time characterized as a “trial separation” and which Mattis explained to the Marine Corps as, “running out for a pack of smokes.”
Since then the retired general has moved out to California, rented an apartment and is currently spending a disconcerting amount of time hanging out with college students while claiming to be “living [his] best life.”
Members of the Corps explain that while they enjoy having two Christmases, it isn’t the same without Mattis around and affirmed their reluctance to call Acting Secretary Shanahan “Dad,” despite repeated requests from the president.
Units initiated the card writing campaign after a plot to have Mattis and the Pentagon both visit the border wall with Mexico and initiate something called “Operation Parent Trap” fell through.
Meanwhile, defense officials plan to allow the Marine Corps to spend the weekend sleeping over at the retired general’s home.
“Last time we were there he let us stay up late and watch Die Hard which was pretty awesome,” said one junior Marine.
According to one official, if the troops are good, Mattis intends to allow them to watch a VHS of Conan the Barbarian before bed which, multiple sources confirm, “totally has boobs in it.”
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