Lieutenant unsure if platoon behaving better or just not getting caught

TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif.— First Lt. Connor Boyd, a weapons platoon commander with Kilo Company, 3rd Battalion, 7th Marines, spent this past Sunday nervously staring at his phone, waiting for the inevitable call from his platoon sergeant.

Boyd explained, “I’ve been here for a year, and until recently, we had at least one incident every single weekend.”

He explained, “First it was the platoon’s drug ring. Then, it was the boot fight club. I had half the mortarmen go UA after our Christmas leave block. And I just had a machine gunner get arrested for attempting to sexually assault a police horse last month.”

But despite such a heinous track record, last weekend was different. No call ever came. When he got in to work on Monday, Boyd’s platoon sergeant and section leaders all rogered up that nothing unusual had gone down since Friday.

Boyd was skeptical.

“I find it hard to believe that the boys went out on libo and just didn’t do anything illegal,“ he said. “Maybe they’ve finally figured out the whole ‘not getting caught’ thing?” However, given that half of his platoon is incapable of eating or drinking water without being explicitly told to do so by their team leaders, Boyd thinks this explanation is unlikely.

Some sources have suggested the platoon’s turnaround is due to Boyd’s new libo briefs. Originally, he gave a traditional “don’t do anything stupid” spiel. But a few weeks ago, Boyd switched to a tearful plea for the platoon to “please just give me a few days away from you all. For the love of God, I need two fucking days without having to deal with your bullshit.”

While the Marines found it unusual to see their platoon commander crying over something other than a FITREP, his message may have gotten through to them.

At press time, Pvt. 1st Class Dylan Victor was gathering the courage to tell his Boyd he had “accidentally killed a hooker” and needed help “getting the body out of his barracks room.”