Army names Astronaut Anne McClain as Senior Cyber Crime Officer

WASHINGTON — Senior Army officials are calling the appointment of Lt. Col. Anne McClain, astronaut and cyber capabilities expert, as Director of the Cyber Crime Prevention Program a step toward ensuring out-of-this-world protections against online criminals.

McClain is alleged to have accessed and manipulated her estranged spouse’s bank account from the International Space Station (ISS) during a child custody dispute. An investigation is ongoing.

With McClain grounded during the investigation, Army leaders pounced on her availability.

“She figured out how to manage a bank account from orbit,” said Army spokesperson Colonel Victor Rodgers.“Most troops can’t even do that on the ground with a 5G network on their best day. So not only is she smart with using online banking tools, she’s got a head start on the cyber crime techniques of the future. That’s crime prevention gold!”

Rodgers said that McClain is uniquely qualified to design anti-cybertheft training that resonates with soldiers. “Unfortunately, even after 30 years of internet scams, we still need to educate soldiers on how to spot scams like Nigerian princes, make millions quick offers, and my favorite—the online Russian bride,” said Rodgers. “Here’s a newsflash troops: Even a Ukrainian refugee doesn’t want to marry a private at Fort Irwin. And that goofy-ass DoD cyber awareness challenge is nothing but a cyber time suck.”

Officials have great expectations to leverage McClain’s skills. Rodgers noted, “She accessed banking accounts while managing her ISS duties, in zero-gravity and on a diet of what are basically space MREs. Those are time management skills we usually only see in senior officers who are having illicit affairs.”

“She’s clearly qualified to lead any major Army project.”

Sources said that McClain’s assignment is part of Army plans to enhance training with proven real-world experience. For example, the Army is also considering employing retired Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn as a senior ethics consultant.

Reached for comment, Flynn said, “McClain’s appointment is the closest match of skills to employment since my acceptance of an analyst job with the ‘Russia Today’ network. I’m sure it will work out just as well.”

Sources said that Army officials also nominated McClain for a Meritorious Service Medal for being the first person accused of crime in space. “Whether a crime has been committed or not,” Rodgers confirmed, “Gen. McConville said ‘winning matters’ so this counts as the Army finally leading in something besides CENTCOM deployments.”