Categories: News

Guy in UCMJ brief asking a lot of questions about age of consent

FORT REDACTED, Ga. — The weird guy in your unit is asking a lot of questions about age of consent, sources report.

Near the end of a three hour brief everyone was dying to leave, Cpl. Derek Charpe raised his hand. “The UCMJ says the minimum age is sixteen, what if it’s lower where we’re stationed?” Charpe asked. ‘Somewhere like Nigeria, the Philippines, Burkina Faso, Comoros or Japan?”

“That is an, um, interesting question,” Capt. Sarah Wallace answered.

Charpe had several more questions that didn’t seem quite right.

“What if she’s younger but looks 16?” he asked. “Would it be ok if I said I didn’t know she was 12? Can I have photos of her from when she was younger? Is it legal if I buy her from her parents?”

“Also, parents can give permission to almost anything, right? So if someone was their parent, they could say it was ok and it would be legal? Even normal? I’ve seen a lot of videos online where that kind of thing happens. A lot.”

“Enough about you, weirdo,” Sgt. Luke Porter said. “Captain, why are we slaves to the Jews?”

At press time, Sharpe and Porter were banned from coming within 1,000 yards of the CO’s family.

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Red Friday

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