FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The entire Psychological Operations Regiment mourned today, as Capt. Robert Rivera was forced to receive a wicked haircut within military standards, resulting in Rivera’s immediate death.
Much like Sampson, Robert Pattinson, or Robert Plant, Rivera received the majority of his sustaining life force from his courageously out-of-regulation haircut, which flowed down to his shoulders on days when he let his ponytail out.
“The mane was amazing. I couldn’t bring myself to deny the world of such beauty,” said Rivera’s previous commander, Major Roger “Roger” Smith. “Even the [special forces] guys complimented him on it. Do you know how rare it is for a PSYOPer to be complimented by anyone in Special Forces? Rivera was our unicorn.”
Rivera was spotted two days ago in 82nd Land, an area rarely frequented by psychological operations—or “PSYOPs,” as they like to be known—personnel. Sergeants major and higher ranking officers tackled Rivera to the ground, held a spontaneous trial, and presented what remained of Rivera to the nearest general officer for judgement.
“It was horrible. I saw the entire thing,” said a fellow PSYOPs long hair on condition of anonymity. “They—they did it in front of everyone. Oh, God. They did it in front of children!”
“Once the General stuck his thumb down it was all over. A pair of cordless clippers emerged and the follicles screamed to the ground. We cried out, but our screams were muted against the cheers from all of the hooah exuded by the 82nd.”
The incident was shared on the post blotter as a show of force against the Psychological Operations Regiment. No member of the Regiment has since set foot in 82nd Land.
The entire branch will be taking a knee this evening in a planned silent vigil. The bugler will play “Taps,” as well as “Whip My Hair” by Willow Smith. It is likely that all will shed tears.
Rivera’s sick hair is survived by the hair of Capt. Dave Kal, Master Sergeant DeShaun Waves, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who admits he shaved his head recently out of respect for Rivera’s memory.