Bases named for Confederates changed to Afghan War generals, continuing tradition of naming bases after losers


FORT MCCHRYSTAL, N.C. — Following a growing chorus of people calling to remove Confederate generals from the names of Army bases, the Pentagon today announced their intentions to rename posts for a different set of generals who lost a military campaign, sources confirmed today.

“We have a longstanding tradition of honoring generals who squandered vast amounts of resources who were ultimately left with nothing to show for it,” said Defense Secretary Mark Esper.

The 10 bases are located in southern states and were named after Confederate generals during the Jim Crow era, presumably to affirm white supremacy by members of the Lost Cause movement. Calls to rename the bases have increased after the death of George Floyd, an unarmed black man in police custody, and nationwide protests against police brutality.

“Our generals who led our forces in Afghanistan cost our country in excess of two trillion dollars over the last 18 years, only to inevitably cede all our gains back to the Taliban as soon as we completely withdraw, and all for the cause of maintaining our nation’s enslavement to the military-industrial complex,” added Esper.

“Frankly, their profligate accomplishments dwarf those of the Confederacy, and we are proud to inscribe their names on the gates of our military installations.”

Fort Bragg, North Carolina, has already been renamed Fort McChrystal, and plans are underway to rename Fort Hood, Texas to Fort Petraeus, and Fort Lee, Virginia to Fort Sinclair.

A senior defense official said the Pentagon may also change Fort Polk in Louisiana to Fort Trump if the president loses in November, honoring him as the namesake of the most beloved base in the Army.


Yossarian

Yossarian will finally be able to return home from deployment when he writes enough articles, but the Duffel Blog editors keep increasing his quota whenever he comes close to fulfilling it.
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