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Author: Slab Squatthrust

When I was 8 years old, my 3rd grade teacher told me I was completely useless. A waste of human space and time taken from those who actually make an effort in this world. She hated me. Well guess what Mrs. Sonderman; fuck you. I hope you die alone and angry. Wait...what am I supposed to be writing here again?
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NORFOLK, Va. — Senior Coast Guard leaders have approved a new advertising campaign designed to increase enlistment numbers, keep up retention rates and encourage other service members to lateral over to the Homeland Security’s premier maritime service, sources confirmed today. The campaign, called the “We Don’t Have A PT Test” drive, is intended to show […]
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WASHINGTON — The U.S. Coast Guard says it will respond to more than 3,000 incidents this year, likely resulting in more than 200 lives saved, at least 3,800 lives assisted, and approximately $5,365,000 in property saved, according to recent estimates. But that doesn’t mean that your unimportant and worthless life will be saved, officials added. […]
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WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis placed an Amazon ‘Dash Button’ on President Donald Trump’s desk that orders a 12-pack of Doritos while telling him it was for launching a nuclear strike on North Korea, sources confirmed today. The move came just days after the president taunted North Korean leader Kim Jong-un on Tuesday, mentioning […]
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