# Duffel Blog > America's Most Trusted Military News Public Ghost content for AI and LLM tooling. This file includes a bounded export of public pages first, then recent public posts. Append `.md` to any post or page URL to get the content in Markdown (for example, `/example-post.md`). ## Pages ### About Duffel Blog URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/about/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T01:35:46.000Z ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/image-1.png) **Duffel Blog** is the first and only satire news outlet devoted to the U.S. military and national security community. At a time of increasing global conflict and crisis, our team of military veteran writers provides much-needed levity on serious topics and help to remind everyone — especially those in the trenches — that a lighthearted jab or a well-placed joke can go a long way. Since our founding in 2012, we have poked fun at [generals](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/general-mattis-crosses-potomac-100000-troops-president-senate-flee-city?s=w), [lieutenants](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/army-easter-egg-lost-lieutenant?s=w), and everyone [in between](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/critics-warn-national-guard-lacks) while helping military members and civilians think critically about national security through satire and smart humor. > **"Duffel Blog is a beautifully crafted response to an increasingly stuffy environment in today’s America.** Duffel Blog reminds us of much of what we in the military fight for — the freedom to think our own way and to laugh about the absurdities without being mean-spirited.” > > —James Mattis, 21st Secretary of Defense ## Sign up for Duffel Blog Our stories confuse generals, irritate public affairs officers, and occasionally make a junior officer cry. Join the ranks with a subscription below.👇 Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. **So why a newsletter and why now?** Duffel Blog was founded on the premise that there was plenty of humor to be found in the national security world. And after a decade of publishing and millions of readers later, it’s safe to say that we were right. But times are incredibly tough in digital media — even more so for a small, independent publication like Duffel Blog that is produced by a single editor and part-time writers from across the military spectrum. That's why we switched to an email newsletter format in 2020, so we could build a closer, more direct relationship with our readers that was not at the mercy of the algorithm or declining advertising rates. And now that all those annoying and intrusive advertisements are gone, **we primarily rely on reader support to pay our writers and editors for the original content they produce so we can keep the military community laughing week after week.** > *“I think I have learned more about U.S. military culture from reading* **Duffel Blog** *than I have from many hundreds of academic articles on the subject.”* > > —Tom Ricks, Pulitzer Prize-winning author ### A free membership to Duffel Blog gets you: - Occasional public posts ### Becoming a Duffel Blog supporter gets you: - Ad-free access - Every single Duffel Blog story (about 3-4 per week) - Unlimited access to our archive of 4,000+ stories - Community features and shop discounts - Our undying gratitude for directly supporting a team of military veteran writers and editors and helping to sustain us for the long haul Either way, welcome and thank you! We’re glad you’re here. ## Join 20k+ subscribers Duffel Blog is reader-supported. Which means no corporate sponsors. Yet. Join now before we sell naming rights to Lockheed Martin. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. #### What readers say - “\[Duffel Blog\] reminds me of *The Onion* in its early days. They’re clearly having fun doing it, which is part of what makes it successful.” — **Scott Dikkers, founding editor of *The Onion*** - “Behind the biting wit and outrageous headlines is a satirical prowess that not only engages the reader with pointed absurdist humor but does so with the intent to challenge every level of the military experience.” —**Maximilian Uriarte, *New York Times* bestselling author and creator of *Terminal Lance*** - “Some of what \[Duffel Blog\] turns out just might be the best military satire since Joseph Heller wrote *Catch-22*.” —**David Martin, *CBS News*** - “They’ve made a lot of fun of me and I’ve enjoyed every bit of it.” —**Former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis** > Hilarious [@DuffelBlog](https://twitter.com/DuffelBlog?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com): "John McCain Angered Over Loss Of Hanoi Hilton Honors Points" [https://t.co/FFW3z2jYSh](https://t.co/FFW3z2jYSh?ref=duffelblog.com) > > — John McCain (@SenJohnMcCain) [June 14, 2017](https://twitter.com/SenJohnMcCain/status/875121593986543618?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) > Looks like [@DuffelBlog](https://twitter.com/DuffelBlog?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) has a paid subscription option now. Normally I'd never pay for something like that because everything on the Internet should totally be free always. But in the case of [@DuffelBlog](https://twitter.com/DuffelBlog?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) I am IN.[https://t.co/NlN3y0FDfh](https://t.co/NlN3y0FDfh?ref=duffelblog.com) > > (Also just FYI the site is satire) > > — Dan Cornell (@danielcornell) [January 13, 2021](https://twitter.com/danielcornell/status/1349398204064927748?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) > Since we’re living in a parody of real life, we might as well let [@DuffelBlog](https://twitter.com/DuffelBlog?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) rename the army bases. I assume we’ll end up with Forts Yossarian, Bilko, and Hogan (can’t name the base after Sergeant Schultz, I’m afraid), among others. > > — Bill Kristol (@BillKristol) [June 10, 2020](https://twitter.com/BillKristol/status/1270835878051614722?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/hegseth-tweet.png) > How d you stink out the joint when it’s OUR VETS? Who gave all they had?? > > VA Secretary forgets to fire himself after promising to rid agency of corruption [https://t.co/7eZbfLPJbx](https://t.co/7eZbfLPJbx?ref=duffelblog.com) via [@duffelblog](https://twitter.com/DuffelBlog?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) > > — Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) [March 9, 2018](https://twitter.com/perlmutations/status/972194296354009088?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) --- ## Media Coverage of Duffel Blog - Rep. Pat Fallon claimed SPLC listed 2 veterans organizations as ‘hate groups.’ His source? A satirical news blog. ([The Washington Post](https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2021/03/25/pat-fallon-vfw-splc-satire/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Duped by Duffel Blog, a congressman claims that the VFW and American Legion were labeled hate groups ([Task & Purpose](https://taskandpurpose.com/mandatory-fun/duffel-blog-american-legion-vfw/?ref=duffelblog.com)) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/b0189cb3-35cb-4954-a8ff-cc97ffe136bc_1440x790.png) - GOP Politicians Have Repeatedly Been Bamboozled by Satire. Are We One Onion Article Away From Total Chaos? ([Washingtonian](https://www.washingtonian.com/2021/04/15/a-short-history-of-gop-politicians-getting-bamboozled-by-satire/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Move Over, Sammich Jokes: Women Make Their Mark on Military Humor ([Military.com](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2016/04/09/move-over-sammich-jokes-women-make-their-mark-on-military-humor.html?ref=duffelblog.com)) - A New Era of Military Comedy from the Ranks ([War on the Rocks](https://warontherocks.com/2020/04/a-new-era-of-military-comedy-from-the-ranks/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Duffel Blog Founder Releases Book to Mark 5 Years of Military Humor ([Military.com](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2017/03/17/duffelblog-founder-releases-book-to-mark-5-years-military-humor.html?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Duffel Blog makes fun of military absurdities — and has the Pentagon laughing, too ([The Washington Post](https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/duffel-blog-makes-fun-of-military-absurdities--and-has-the-pentagon-laughing-too/2013/12/01/ab5e817c-514e-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1%5Fstory.html?ref=duffelblog.com)) - The Duffel Blog: Like 'The Onion' In Camo ([NPR](https://www.npr.org/2015/06/13/414149746/the-duffel-blog-like-the-onion-in-camo?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Oops! McConnell duped by parody news report on Gitmo ([MSNBC](https://www.msnbc.com/hardball/oops-msna19106?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Senate Minority Leader Fooled by Report in Military Version of The Onion ([Wired Magazine](https://www.wired.com/2013/02/mcconnell-duffel-blog/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Where the U.S. Army Is Winless ([Time Magazine](https://time.com/3633039/us-army-football/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Military satire on display via the Duffel Blog ([Military Times](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2016/03/14/military-satire-on-display-via-the-duffel-blog/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Prank and File: These Military Reports Are Out of Line ([The Wall Street Journal](https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424127887324345804578426881030734960?ref=duffelblog.com)) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/19242569-4d75-4dac-9a5f-0be0fb884c4d_982x1151.jpg) - The Military's Version Of The Onion Is Now So Popular Its Server Just Crashed ([Business Insider](https://www.businessinsider.com/the-militarys-version-of-the-onion-is-getting-so-popular-the-site-crashed-this-morning-2012-8?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Fake military news site gains traction ([Columbia Journalism Review](https://archives.cjr.org/behind%5Fthe%5Fnews/fake%5Fmilitary%5Fnews%5Fsite%5Fgains.php?ref=duffelblog.com)) - US Army Changing Bayonets For Tomahawks ([Gizmodo](https://gizmodo.com/us-army-changing-bayonets-for-tomahawks-5932290?ref=duffelblog.com)**)** --- ## Disclaimer **Duffel Blog** is a parody of a news organization, and all content it publishes is satirical in nature. No content should be regarded as truthful, and no reference to an individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. All characters, groups, and military units appearing in these works are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or actual military units and companies is purely coincidental. **Duffel Blog** is not intended for readers under 18 years of age or those without a sense of humor. ## Have questions about Duffel Blog? Check our our [Frequently Asked Questions page.](https://www.duffelblog.com/faq/) ### Archive URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/tags/ Last updated: 2025-10-24T20:35:18.000Z _No content available._ ### Frequently Asked Questions URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/faq/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T16:59:38.000Z - [**Are you affiliated with the DoD?**](#are-you-affiliated-with-the-dod) - [**Who writes *Duffel Blog*?**](#who-writes-duffel-blog) - [**Has Duffel Blog ever been mistaken for real news?**](#has-duffel-blog-ever-been-mistaken-for-real-news) - [**What does the Pentagon think of *Duffel Blog*?**](#what-does-the-pentagon-think-of-duffel-blog) - [**How do I cancel my account?**](#how-do-i-cancel-my-account) - [**Can I write for you?**](#can-i-write-for-you) - [**Can I republish a Duffel Blog article?**](#can-i-republish-a-duffel-blog-article) - [**Can I pitch a story idea or send you an article?**](#can-i-pitch-a-story-idea-or-send-you-an-article) - [**I have a question that's not answered here**](#i-have-a-question-thats-not-answered-here) --- ## Are you affiliated with the DoD? Only if you count the number of cease-and-desist letters we’ve collected. In other words: no. Duffel Blog is a completely independent website providing satire to the military community. ## Who writes *Duffel Blog*? Duffel Blog is written and edited by a talented team of hundreds of military service members and veterans who run the gamut of enlisted and officer ranks from every branch of the U.S. military. ## Has *Duffel Blog* ever been mistaken for real news? Yes, regularly. Duffel Blog is frequently taken seriously despite its satirical nature. The most notable example happened in 2013 when Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) [wrote a letter to the Pentagon](https://www.wired.com/2013/02/mcconnell-duffel-blog/?ref=duffelblog.com) asking for more information about a Duffel Blog article that reported [G.I. Bill benefits would be offered to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay](https://www.duffelblog.com/guantanamo-prisoners-to-receive-gi-bill-benefits/). The letter made national news and made us laugh ourselves silly. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/2fd6cc90-9645-4cac-91cb-042be5973379_902x784.jpg) Other notable examples include a story that fooled a [writer at the technology blog Gizmodo](https://gizmodo.com/5932290/us-army-changing-bayonets-for-tomahawks?ref=duffelblog.com) and another that led to constituents [calling into the office of Rep. Jim Moran (D-Va.)](http://thehill.com/policy/defense/203708-rep-moran-flooded-with-calls-after-fake-news-story?ref=duffelblog.com), which prompted an official statement in response. There have been many stories that have prompted debunking on the fact-checking website [Snopes](https://www.snopes.com/tag/duffel-blog/?ref=duffelblog.com). ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/42d3b2cd-14df-4def-9386-0238e4fa0a59_1197x684.jpg) ## What does the Pentagon think of *Duffel Blog*? We like to think the top leadership at the Pentagon enjoys Duffel Blog, despite several public affairs officials complaining over the years after they’ve received angry calls that can be traced back to us (sorry, not sorry). Duffel Blog counts former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis as one of its fans. In an [interview with CBS News](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDrSwTtQWtw&ref=duffelblog.com) in 2013, Mattis said, “they’ve made a lot of fun of me and I’ve enjoyed every bit of it,” adding, “It’s good that these young men are poking a little bit of fun at us … I enjoy the feedback actually.” In [another interview with](https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/duffel-blog-makes-fun-of-military-absurdities--and-has-the-pentagon-laughing-too/2013/12/01/ab5e817c-514e-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1%5Fstory.html?utm%5Fterm=.a632c57bf78f&ref=duffelblog.com) The Washington Post in 2013, he said, “Duffel Blog is a beautifully crafted response to an increasingly stuffy environment in today’s America. Duffel Blog reminds us of much of what we in the military fight for — the freedom to think our own way and to laugh about the absurdities without being mean-spirited.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/b21a169a-ba4a-4255-aad8-8bdce54d6ef1_978x848.jpg) At one point, Mattis had Duffel Blog mentioned in his official biography at Stanford. Pentagon spokesman George Little also praised Duffel Blog in 2013, [telling The Washington Post](https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/duffel-blog-makes-fun-of-military-absurdities--and-has-the-pentagon-laughing-too/2013/12/01/ab5e817c-514e-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1%5Fstory.html?ref=duffelblog.com) that “it helps put many things in healthy perspective, even when it’s a little over the top or overly satirical. In the very serious world we live in at the Pentagon, a bit of levity can actually help advance the mission.” He also urged military public affairs professionals [to read the site in a speech](http://archive.defense.gov/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=120522&ref=duffelblog.com) he gave at Fort Meade. Duffel Blog frequently gets positive feedback from military service members, veterans, and civilian national security professionals. ## How do I cancel my account? That's a bummer that you want to cancel your account. But we understand that our flavor of military satire isn't for everyone. To cancel your account, [go to your account settings](https://www.duffelblog.com/#/portal/) and click the "Change" button next to your current subscription. If you have any issues with canceling, [feel free to email us](mailto:mailbag@duffelblog.com) and we can take care of it. ## Can I write for you? Duffel Blog is a consortium of military service members and veterans who gather in a virtual writing room to pump out the content that you love. So we're not surprised others would like to join this awesome crew. If you'd like to apply to become a writer, [fill out an application here.](https://www.duffelblog.com/write-for-us/) ## Can I republish a Duffel Blog article? We're open to people who want to republish Duffel Blog content on their website, in their newsletter, or on an official PowerPoint briefing for their commanding officer. That is, as long as you obtain our permission first and provide a note saying the content was originally published at Duffel Blog with a link. [Email your request here](mailto:mailbag@duffelblog.com) and make sure you include a link to the article in question. ## Can I pitch a story idea or send you an article? We have regular contributors to our site, so one-off ideas and articles are almost never published. Still, if you're really determined and you think what you have is incredible and hilarious, [feel free to send it in,](mailto:mailbag@duffelblog.com) though we're not likely to respond. ## I have a question that's not answered here. Well, that's ok. We have answers. [Send us an email here.](mailto:mailbag@duffelblog.com) ### Independent. Veteran-Run. Reader-Funded. 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Beginning next battle assembly, the Army Reserve will officially adopt “Nothing we do today is more important than lunch” as its new recruiting motto. “We tried ‘It’s Your Time,’” said Maj. Tyler Hooker of [USARC’s advertising team](https://www.duffelblog.com/troop-cuts-army-of-none/). “It turns out Gen Z doesn’t believe anyone is handing them anything — not jobs, not houses, and definitely not free time.” According to Hooker, a market research study conducted over a single drill weekend found younger Americans were primarily interested in the Reserve as an opportunity to experience active duty without accidentally becoming [active duty](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-dont-know-if-csm-intentionally-doing-bill-cosby-impression/). “Well, shit,” recalled Col. Mark Bravo after reviewing the results. “That was basically the Army Reserve [before Sept. 11.](https://www.duffelblog.com/junior-military-members/)” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/07/1000027414.png) The study also found that junior reservists ranked the primary benefits of service as wearing the uniform, accomplishing as little work as possible before 1130, and collecting a free lunch. “To be fair,” Bravo said, “that’s also a pretty accurate description of active duty.” Researchers noted there are [plenty of civilian jobs ](https://www.duffelblog.com/first-sergeant-ged-tells-corporal-hell-never-make-outside/)where employees accomplish very little, but few provide free uniforms, government travel, and the possibility of spending three hours discussing a PowerPoint presentation over lunch at P.F. Chang’s or Twin Peaks. Hooker said the campaign’s breakthrough came midway through a briefing when Maj. John Boros interrupted the presentation. “Knock off all [this briefing nonsense](https://www.duffelblog.com/operation-meeting-saved-round/),” Boros reportedly said. “Let’s get down to business. Where are we eating lunch?” The room fell silent. “Then he looked around and said, ‘Nothing we do today is more important than lunch,’” Hooker recalled. “Colonel Bravo immediately stood up and yelled, ‘That’s it! Print the posters!’” Bravo defended the slogan as refreshingly honest. “We’re not saying we don’t accomplish important things,” he said. “We’re simply acknowledging that lunch consistently outranks all of them.” Bravo admitted leadership briefly considered bringing back the Army’s iconic “[Be All You Can Be](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-revamped-80-s-recruiting-slogan-to-be-all-we-tell-you-to-be/)” campaign before deciding against it. “That slogan let people project whatever dream they wanted onto military service,” Bravo said. “Our new one tells them exactly what they’re getting.” At press time, the slogan rollout had been postponed because the working group assigned to finalize it was still out to lunch. 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)**,* [**Twitter*](https://x.com/SECDEF%5FNice?ref=duffelblog.com)**,* [**Facebook*](https://www.facebook.com/people/SECDEFNice/61590591336243/)**, or* [**Instagram*](https://www.instagram.com/secdef%5Fnice?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-mistakes-getting-older-for-declining-military-standards/ Last updated: 2026-08-07T12:00:59.000Z THE PENTAGON — Senior defense officials launched an internal review this week after discovering [Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-separate-but-equal-military-branches/) repeated warnings about collapsing military fitness standards were based primarily on his own advancing age. According to multiple officials, concerns began after Hegseth repeatedly claimed [the Army](https://www.duffelblog.com/tag/army/) lowered its standards “every four or five years, usually around my birthday.” “After about the fifth time he said the force was getting softer, I finally asked him which standards he meant,” said one official. “Holy shit. Within five seconds, I realized this man had apparently never read an age-based scoring chart.” The official said Hegseth’s approach to [physical fitness testing](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-army-fitness-test-measures-how-much-pain-you-can-endure-over-20-years/) throughout his military career was remarkably consistent. “He would show up, ask what he needed to do to score 70 points, then leave before anyone explained why the number had changed,” the official said. “He genuinely thought the [Army kept lowering the standard](https://www.duffelblog.com/female-rangers-would-be-a-disgrace/). Nobody had the heart to tell him he was just getting older.” [Army Fitness Test](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-russian-army-fitness-test-to/) standards divide soldiers into progressively older age groups, generally in five-year increments. “Every time he entered a new bracket, he interpreted it as another collapse in discipline,” the official said. “From his perspective, [military readiness](https://www.duffelblog.com/commander-relieved-for-filling-out-readiness-report-on-lethality-form/) has been steadily declining since his twenties.” Officials reviewing Hegseth’s records said the pattern was unmistakable. When his run time allowance increased in his early 30s, he blamed [President Barack Obama.](https://www.duffelblog.com/obama-afghanistan-withdrawal/) When it increased again in his late 30s, he blamed \[cliffhanger\] diversity initiatives. After entering his most recent bracket, he ordered a department-wide review of the [warrior ethos](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseths-top-tips-on-using-the-warrior/). Officials acknowledged that the military provides little formal instruction on reading fitness score tables but questioned whether any was necessary. “It's not the Rosetta Stone,” another official said. “The chart is about as complicated as breathing burn pit fumes.” According to the official, Hegseth initially mistook the age ranges for presidential approval ratings. “He pointed to ‘42-46’ and said, ‘See? [Biden](https://www.duffelblog.com/biden-wanders-into-war-room-after/) destroyed readiness,’” the official recalled. “We explained that was his age bracket. He accused us of making excuses.” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell declined to address whether Hegseth understood age-normed scoring. “I’m not going to get into hypothetical charts,” Parnell said. “The secretary remains focused on restoring the warrior ethos, increasing lethality, and ensuring America has the most physically capable fighting force on Earth.” Parnell abruptly ended the briefing when a reporter asked whether the most capable fighting force on Earth should also be capable of [reading a PDF.](https://www.duffelblog.com/cyber-commander-stands-up-task-force/) At press time, Hegseth had ordered the Army to restore the physical fitness standards in effect when he was 23, calling them “the last objectively rigorous standards before the military began changing them specifically to embarrass me.” 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** **served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at*[ **Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)**,*[ **Twitter*](https://x.com/SECDEF%5FNice?ref=duffelblog.com)**,*[ **Facebook*](https://www.facebook.com/people/SECDEFNice/61590591336243/)**, or*[ **Instagram*](https://www.instagram.com/secdef%5Fnice?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-top-13-ideas-for-solving-the-iran-war/ Last updated: 2026-08-05T15:53:13.000Z ****FREE EDITION** You're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. ****We are ad-free and reader-supported.** THE PENTAGON — [U.S. Central Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/centcom-commander-apologizes-for/) has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it. After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “[new creative and unconventional ways](https://www.cnn.com/2026/08/03/politics/us-military-iran-war-troops-punish?ref=duffelblog.com) to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table. This is reassuring because it confirms America’s [most important military campaign](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/) has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas. Fortunately, Duffel Blog does. ### **1\. Surrender** Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would [conserve critical munitions](https://www.duffelblog.com/indo-pacific-commander-hides-hellfire/) needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk [strip clubs](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-strip-clubs-and-bars-to-be-installed-aboard-aircraft-carriers/), [tattoo parlors](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-pawn-tattoo-aafes-px/), and divorce mediation offices. Just call it “charging to [lethal victory](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/) in the opposite direction." ### **2\. Move the goalposts** Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club? Change them. Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.” Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable. ### **3\. Redefine everything** Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient. A war is a [ceasefire](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-warns-us-unable-to-fight-two-ceasefires-simultaneously/). A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges. Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We [campaigned on no new wars.”](https://x.com/Acosta/status/2007458365492846664?lang=en&ref=duffelblog.com) Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You're overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?” ### **4\. Turn the war off and back on again** [Ask the S-6](https://www.duffelblog.com/s6-theres-the-problem-the-fuckin-doohicky-aint-in-the-thingamajig/) to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict. If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself. ### **5\. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums** [War Thunder players](https://80.lv/articles/war-thunder-players-once-again-leak-classified-documents-to-win-an-argument?ref=duffelblog.com) possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents. They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it. ### **6\. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran** Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them. While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs. This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop [before PowerPoint.](https://www.duffelblog.com/angry-staff-god-demands-powerpoint-sacrifice-at-1900/) ### **7\. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate** The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner. Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. [Continue reading →](https://www.duffelblog.com/membership/) Also included with membership: - Every Duffel Blog story - The complete archive - Exclusive newsletters and features - The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything ### Americans begin thanking troops for future service URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/future-service-iran/ Last updated: 2026-08-03T12:00:29.000Z Retail workers say they’re just trying to get ahead of the next Middle East deployment _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-casualties-business-hours/ Last updated: 2026-07-31T14:03:29.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that [U.S. combat casualties](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-troops-casualties-politics/) will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets. The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a [separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”](https://www.cnbc.com/2026/07/24/pentagon-removed-four-official-iran-war-death-toll.html?ref=duffelblog.com) Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after [Operation Epic Fury](https://www.duffelblog.com/typo-leads-to-epic-furry-parties-all-over-tehran/) had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire. “Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.” Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding [federal holidays](https://www.duffelblog.com/holiday-half-day-schedule-canceled-due-to-low-morale/), will remain eligible for classification as killed in action. Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.” “These [brave Americans still died](https://www.duffelblog.com/casualty-team-stuck-notifying-family-about-marine-who-died-masturbating/) serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.” Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the [Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-a-russian-propagandist/) Additional categories include: - Operational Pause Mishap - Federal Holiday Kinetic Occurrence - Patriotism After Hours - Administrative KIA - Pending Timecard Approval The policy has reportedly left [casualty assistance officers](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-casualty-process-congress-frederica-wilson/) struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families. “My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.” “Am I still allowed to tell people he was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?” [One Gold Star father](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-khan-constitution/) said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death. “The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.” “I just need to know what to tell my grandson.” [At Arlington National Cemetery](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-criticized-for-sneaking-in/), workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.” Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.” The Army [Corps of Engineers](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-corps-of-engineers-ordered-to-cap-off-old-faithful-during-government-shutdown/) briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.” [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-strippers-pentagon/) insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves. [“No one is hiding casualties,”](https://thewarhorse.org/records-troops-wounded-iran-war/?ref=duffelblog.com) Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.” Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible. “It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.” At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether [troops wounded](https://www.duffelblog.com/wounded-warrior-assaults-five-in-bar-brawl-uses-wheelchair-as-weapon/) after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning. ### DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-reclassifies-sexual-assault-as-flirting-under-new-policy/ Last updated: 2026-07-29T12:00:19.000Z WASHINGTON — [The Department of Defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/tag/pentagon/) has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents. “We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the [harassment or assault](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-learns-innovative-harassment-techniques-during-sharp-training/),” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.” “By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce [sexual misconduct](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-in-order-to-really-understand-sexual-assault-youve-gotta-slap-a-woman-in-the-ass-at-least-on/) without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.” According to officials familiar with the policy, [senior Pentagon leaders](https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-creep-pentagon-hegseth/) developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.” Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.” “There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.” The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories: - Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments. - Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching. - Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below. The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, [temporary telework](https://www.duffelblog.com/teleworking-here-are-four-chinese-websites-sure-to-improve-your-connections/), and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.” To implement the policy, the department has introduced a [mandatory 223-slide training presentation](https://www.duffelblog.com/afghanistan-commission-identifies/) featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.” One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?” Reactions across the force have been mixed. “I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an [EO issue.](https://www.duffelblog.com/master-sgt-beats-discrimination-charge-by-proving-he-hates-everyone-equally/) Now I understand I’m just building trust.” Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic. “My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for [Sexual Assault Awareness Month](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-disappointed-sexual-assault-training-didnt-teach-anything-new/),” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.” Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.” Officials also confirmed that [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-disappointed-sexual-assault-training-only-covers-prevention/) had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.” Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged. “We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.” ### Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fat-leonard-pardon/ Last updated: 2026-07-27T12:00:22.000Z "At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application," a Navy official said. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-fat-generals/ Last updated: 2026-08-05T15:53:13.000Z ****FREE EDITION** You're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. ****We are ad-free and reader-supported.** THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-strippers-pentagon/) from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.” “It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a [recent address to senior leaders.](https://www.duffelblog.com/master-strategist-pete-hegseth-to-gather-all-u-s-military-leaders-in-same-place-at-same-time/) According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history. “The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.” The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses. Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify [general and flag officers](https://www.duffelblog.com/general-officer-summit-extended-for-k-pop-demon-hunter-singalong/) before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.” “The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/07/Screenshot-2026-07-14-at-3.38.55---PM.png) Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation. “The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. [Continue reading →](https://www.duffelblog.com/membership/) Also included with membership: - Every Duffel Blog story - The complete archive - Exclusive newsletters and features - The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything ### ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-says-americans-have-no-reason-to-worry-about-its-new-mq-9-reapers/ Last updated: 2026-07-22T12:00:50.000Z MINNEAPOLIS — [Immigration and Customs Enforcement](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating [MQ-9 Reaper drones,](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-mq-9-reaper-diagnosed-with-ptsd-refuses-to-fly/) insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.” Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability. Officials said the program was necessary because of [recruiting shortages.](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-recruiters-complain-not-enough-candidates-fail-the-asvab/) “The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.” “Now we finally have someone to use them on.” ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model. “We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well." According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber [Hellfire missiles](https://www.duffelblog.com/hellfire-missile-for-sale-fort-drum/). Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core. “They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.” Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology. “'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said. The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week. Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted: > 01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000 Officials said the aircraft had also requested a [$50,000 reenlistment bonus](https://www.duffelblog.com/consider-reenlisting-oped/) and a [29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger.](https://www.duffelblog.com/democrats-pander-to-troops-with-dodge/) At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering. 🖊️ ***Phil Cable** **is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.* **Grumpy contributed to this story.* ### Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-bans-jesus-pentagon-christian-services/ Last updated: 2026-07-20T12:00:51.000Z WASHINGTON — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-separate-but-equal-military-branches/) has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.” “I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this [minor character named Jesus](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seals-find-jesus/) saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.” “So we're just going to skip those parts.” According to a memorandum distributed to [Pentagon chaplains](https://www.duffelblog.com/lethality-chaplain-corps-unveils-smite-ray/), sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture. Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting. Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review. “If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.” Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.” Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue [teaching the Ten Commandments](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-orders-posting-of-ten-commandments-exempts-killing-lying-and-stealing/) while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.” Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity. [“We all sin,”](https://www.duffelblog.com/im-not-a-perfect-person-says-hegseth/) he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.” Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading. According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables. At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a [strategic planning document.](https://www.duffelblog.com/armys-new-strategic-plan-for-2021/) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/influenza-outbreak-prompts-air-force-to-adopt-rfk-jr-s-natural-treatment-protocol/ Last updated: 2026-07-17T12:00:10.000Z SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected [nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland](https://www.airandspaceforces.com/flu-outbreak-air-force-basic-military-training/?ref=duffelblog.com), the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.” The outbreak occurred after [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-strippers-pentagon/) reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “[not rational](https://www.war.gov/News/News-Stories/Article/Article/4464967/hegseth-flu-vaccine-optional/?ref=duffelblog.com).” Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear. According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.” Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear. The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.” Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake. “I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.” Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear. “We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.” The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.” Despite the criticism, [Pentagon officials](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-warns-us-unable-to-fight-two-ceasefires-simultaneously/) defended the policy. “We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.” He paused. “I mean... that's not terrible, right?” Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy. “The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... [science.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/fauci-admits-military-decision-making-24-01-18/) White House officials also praised the initiative. “We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. [Very healthy bears.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/grizzly-bear-wanders-into-unlocked-recruiting-office-joins-navy/) 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**,* [**Twitter*](https://x.com/SECDEF%5FNice?ref=duffelblog.com)**,* [**Facebook*](https://www.facebook.com/people/SECDEFNice/61590591336243/)**, or* [**Instagram*](https://www.instagram.com/secdef%5Fnice?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### Marines discover fire URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-discover-fire/ Last updated: 2026-07-15T13:06:44.000Z NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the [U.S. Marine Corps](https://www.duffelblog.com/tag/marine-corps/) has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools. U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings "a reality-altering development" and urged world leaders to remain calm. "For decades we believed the technological ceiling for *Homo marinus erectus* was opening [Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks](https://www.duffelblog.com/mre-just-wants-foreplay-prior-getting-ratfucked/)," Guterres said. "We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion." Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of *Homo sapiens* roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity. [Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis](https://www.duffelblog.com/mattis-evening-walk/), who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as "the greatest leap forward in Marine history." "For generations we knew they were different," Mattis said. "Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning." The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. [Continue reading →](https://www.duffelblog.com/membership/) Also included with membership: - Every Duffel Blog story - The complete archive - Exclusive newsletters and features - The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything ### 'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/donahue-fired-hegseth/ Last updated: 2026-07-13T12:00:28.000Z Former commander insists retirement was “already on my vision board” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/va-found-dead-capitol-hill-suicide/ Last updated: 2026-07-10T12:00:13.000Z WASHINGTON — [The Department of Veterans Affairs](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-and-staples-team-up-to-produce-mega-shredder/) was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound. Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected. According to sources familiar with the note, the [VA blamed years of abuse](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-secretary-calls-departments-suicide-hotline-after-latest-scandal/) by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies. In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the [appointment of Doug Collins](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-secretary-promises-to-personally/), who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans. “This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘[Hey buddy, go fuck yourself.](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-launches-negative-disability-ratings/) Never mind your wife and kids.’” Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades. “First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the [people you laid off.”](https://www.cbpp.org/blog/veterans-have-borne-trump-administrations-deep-cuts-to-federal-personnel?ref=duffelblog.com) Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being [instructed not to function properly.](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-study-getting-shot-in-head-may-lead-to-brain-injury-in-some-troops/) The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation. Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access. “No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while [quietly making benefits](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-hospital-burned-to-ground-rated/) harder to receive.” Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years. “It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘[How do we spend less on these suckers?’”](https://www.dav.org/learn-more/news/2026/media-assaults-va-disability-system-insults-those-who-use-it/?ref=duffelblog.com) Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan. At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself. ### New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-every-marine-is-a-pilot/ Last updated: 2026-07-08T12:00:10.000Z Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-come-on-you-know-why-i-was-fired/ Last updated: 2026-07-06T12:00:48.000Z ***The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.*** Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews. I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession. When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — [operations in Iraq](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraq-war-retroactively-justified-by-discovery-of-saddams-wmds/), operations in Syria, [planning for Benghazi](https://www.duffelblog.com/hillary-clinton-denies-knowledge-benghazi-trailer/), humanitarian missions stateside, or [trying to keep Kabul from becoming](https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/28/opinion/hegseth-donahue-military-purge.html?ref=duffelblog.com) even worse — they called me. So. Come on. You know why I was fired. Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe. Sure, I may have irritated some people by [saying “woke” was not actually](https://x.com/DefenseBaron/status/1631397999002767364?ref=duffelblog.com) a meaningful military problem. Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit. The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity. That one is on me. I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the [whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.”](https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/insight/hegseth-s-removal-of-gen-donahue-splits-gop-alarms-veterans/gm-GM5554AE72?gemSnapshotKey=GM5554AE72-snapshot-10&ocid=apus&ref=duffelblog.com) I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was [leaving public life](https://www.facebook.com/NBCNews/posts/sen-thom-tillis-of-north-carolina-dropped-his-re-election-bid-after-a-public-dis/1332713618720500/). Still, better late than never. People keep asking how we got here. I do not know. [I was in meetings.](https://www.duffelblog.com/operation-meeting-saved-round/) You people elected these assholes. For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure. Again, my mistake. Here is what I learned. Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why [solving them would be woke.](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/) Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history. Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes. Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.” The safest career path now is simple: [say “lethality”](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/) every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about. If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.” If asked for evidence, [say “DEI.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/citing-dei-military-no-longer-treats/) If asked for a plan, say “classified.” That is not bitterness. That is professional development. So, to review: Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people. And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé. Take care of yourselves. Watch your six. And if you are still wondering why I was fired? Come on. You know. 🖊️ ***Tony** *knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.* ### Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-announces-conditional-surrender-to-iran/ Last updated: 2026-07-03T12:00:51.000Z WASHINGTON — [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/) announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.” The agreement, which officials described as “[not a ceasefire](https://www.duffelblog.com/taliban-declare-ceasefire-until-ariana-grande-and-pete-davidson-get-back-together/), not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time. “We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.” Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it [destroyed nuclear material](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/) U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first. In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically. “You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. [We’re very smart people](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-security-council-reformed-to-defend-america-from-feminists-cucks/). We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.” Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit [Chinese-supplied air defenses](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-china-two-years-away-from-developing/) to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement. Iran has not yet accepted the proposal. “Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the [Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps](https://www.duffelblog.com/ex-false-flag-ii/) wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.” Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer. “Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?” 🖊️ ***Tony** *won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.* ### Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/bolton-mustache-sentenced-separately/ Last updated: 2026-07-01T12:00:30.000Z WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former [National Security Adviser John Bolton’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/john-bolton-wakes-terrifying-nightmare-world-peace/) mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information. Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to [retaining classified documents](https://www.duffelblog.com/fbi-raids-china-for-improperly-obtained/). Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.” “Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.” Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional [14 terabytes of classified information](https://www.duffelblog.com/turn-your-access-to-classified-information-into-a-side-hustle-with-these-five-steps/) concealed inside the mustache. “The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’” Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer. “It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would [project weakness to Iran.](https://www.duffelblog.com/john-boltons-book-revealed-to-be-just-400-pages-about-bombing-iran/)” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/06/447C600F-B6F7-4326-874B-0C32AC793E17.png) Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information. Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career. “You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.” Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple [contingency plans for Cuba](https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-cuba-invasion/), and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.” Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough. “For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?” The judge appeared unconvinced. After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions. Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual [advocacy of regime change](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraq-war-retroactively-justified-by-discovery-of-saddams-wmds/), and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions. At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity. ### Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-warns-us-unable-to-fight-two-ceasefires-simultaneously/ Last updated: 2026-06-29T12:00:17.000Z Military leaders fear surprise ceasefire in Indo-Pacific could overstretch force _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-strippers-pentagon/ Last updated: 2026-06-26T12:00:57.000Z THE PENTAGON — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-separate-but-equal-military-branches/) announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by [inviting 1,776 strippers](https://www.duffelblog.com/stripper-gives-up-officers-for-lent-23-04-03/) to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.” Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots. According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching [“UFC Freedom 250”](https://www.duffelblog.com/citing-opsec-fears-dod-bans-tapout-clothing-for-all-military-personnel/) at the White House. “The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.” To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place. “The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.” Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs. “Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said. He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more [classified information](https://www.duffelblog.com/heres-article-full-classified-info-even-gives-shit-anymore/) in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.” Following an internal request for recommendations, [Marines across the force](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-surprise-homecoming-strip-club/) reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions. “One lance corporal sent us preferred [stage names, schedules, playlists,](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-trek-to-north-pole-disappointed-to-not-find-strippers/) Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.” Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition. “They can honor their country in the way God and the [Warrior Ethos intended](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseths-top-tips-on-using-the-warrior/),” Hegseth said. Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive. “My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. [Continue reading →](https://www.duffelblog.com/membership/) Also included with membership: - Every Duffel Blog story - The complete archive - Exclusive newsletters and features - The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything ### Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dc-guard-cleaning-reflecting-pool/ Last updated: 2026-06-24T12:00:08.000Z ***The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.*** All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting. And nobody is going home until it’s clean. Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service. It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it. Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it. Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way. Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out. Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete. Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over. For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work. Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better. Now fall in for formation. I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR. Wait. Where’s Wallace? He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/retiree-first-in-pharmacy-line/ Last updated: 2026-06-22T12:00:05.000Z JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice [deployment to the Middle East](https://www.duffelblog.com/150000-shooting-deaths-middle-east-direct-result-violent-video-games-study-finds/), Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, [three wars](https://www.duffelblog.com/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash/), and most known causes of death. The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.” “That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.” According [to pharmacy staff](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-implement-prescription-drug-grab-bag/), Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.” Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades. Although eligible for [Veterans Affairs healthcare](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-and-staples-team-up-to-produce-mega-shredder/), Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy. “I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.” For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses. Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit. “This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the [Korean War](https://www.duffelblog.com/north-korean-soldier-given-sharpie/) with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.” Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription. “If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987. At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers. ### Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-creep-pentagon-hegseth/ Last updated: 2026-06-19T12:00:51.000Z THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the [Department of Defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/tag/pentagon/), with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-new-harp-program/) wherever he goes. According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success. “We keep trying to [avoid mission creep](https://www.duffelblog.com/secdef-says-he-meant-to-text-dick/),” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.” Research suggests mission creep typically develops through [repetitive boundary violations](https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/pete-hegseths-secret-history?ref=duffelblog.com), unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations. “Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.” Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed. “The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.” According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time [Hegseth appears in public.](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-female-service-members-treat-all-orders-as-lawful/) “It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.” Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly. “One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. [Mission accomplished.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-accomplished-soldier-screws-up-power-point-slide-ends-war-afghanistan/) Others argued a more direct approach was necessary. “I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?" Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism. “Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. [Soon China](https://www.duffelblog.com/china-builds-island-in-pearl-harbor/) runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.” When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused. “I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive [communication increases lethality](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/). It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.” At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.” 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-separate-but-equal-military-branches/ Last updated: 2026-06-17T12:00:16.000Z WASHINGTON — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-female-service-members-treat-all-orders-as-lawful/) announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage. “We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I [put on promotion lists keep succeeding](https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5918902-hegseth-navy-air-force-blocked-promotions/?ref=duffelblog.com), while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.” According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly [benefited from diversity initiatives](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/), failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, [or were unable to swim.](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-says-he-supports-contributions-of-colored-troops-and-broads/) “This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.” Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category. “The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.” Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon [ran extensive war games.](https://www.duffelblog.com/trumps-syria-plan-stalled-because-risk-board-game-doesnt-have-enough-pieces/) “The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.” A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.' Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, [renovated barracks](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-evicted-from-barracks-to/), larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge. At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were [relocated to older facilities](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-to-stop-using-mold-to-construct/) pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.” Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other. “The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.” At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the [lower-performing branch would be deployed first](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1-w154yHis&ref=duffelblog.com) in order to gain valuable leadership experience. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/graham-platner-nazi-tattoo-misunderstood/ Last updated: 2026-06-15T15:51:57.000Z ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a [tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler](https://nypost.com/2026/06/11/us-news/graham-platner-cheated-on-fiancee-bragged-about-nazi-tattoo-ex-girlfriend/?ref=duffelblog.com) choking a naked woman across most of his back. In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation. “I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.” Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork. “I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.” Another former girlfriend, [who he dated while filming](https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/04/us/politics/platner-maine-senate-girlfriends-relationships.html?eafs%5Fenabled=false&ref=duffelblog.com) the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous. “He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.” The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the [nickname for his penis.](https://www.duffelblog.com/jerks-bigger-penises-darpa-study-confirms/) Campaign officials dismissed the allegation. “[Most Marines](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-who-jerked-off-in-porta-potty/) struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said. That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a [Green Beans Coffee](https://www.duffelblog.com/trauma-of-war-brought-back-by-opening-of-local-green-beans/) in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo. Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "*Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden.*" The inscription translates to:... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. [Continue reading →](https://www.duffelblog.com/membership/) Also included with membership: - Every Duffel Blog story - The complete archive - Exclusive newsletters and features - The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything ### Opinion: Should I water my veteran? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/veteran-hydration-categories/ Last updated: 2026-06-12T14:09:35.000Z A human resources professional explains the four major veteran hydration categories _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-daily-pt-solved-military-problems/ Last updated: 2026-06-10T12:00:32.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-renames-usns-harvey-milk/) told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, [including procurement failures](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-spends-100m-on-piece-of-equipment-that-doesnt-do-anything/), maintenance backlogs, [sexual assault](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-disappointed-sexual-assault-training-only-covers-prevention/), and cost overruns. “We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and [contractors charging billions of dollars for products](https://www.duffelblog.com/nations-defense-contractors-promise-no-attack-against-us-will-go-unprofitable/) that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.” Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story. “The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.” At [Naval Base San Diego](https://www.duffelblog.com/san-diego-rain-us-navy/), sailors demonstrated the new routine. [The workout](https://www.duffelblog.com/gnc-release-pre-workout-dip/) began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period. “It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones. Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do. [No chief petty officers](https://www.duffelblog.com/6-surefire-ways-to-determine-whether/) or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session. Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm. “Total bullshit,” one sailor said. “Retarded,” said another. “I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third. Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative. “I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward [we captured Maduro](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-offers-maduro-pardon-for-three-kilos-of-cocaine/),” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?” At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging [the Joint Chiefs](https://www.duffelblog.com/jcs-dont-care-youre-resigning/) to develop a comprehensive fitness plan [for Greenland.](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster/) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/missile-strike-accountability-formation/ Last updated: 2026-06-08T12:00:46.000Z Leaders reportedly determined standing shoulder-to-shoulder in the open was “the Army way” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/admiral-change-of-command-ruins-sailors-plans/ Last updated: 2026-06-05T12:00:07.000Z NORFOLK, Va. — Retiring Rear Adm. Glenn Marlowe is reportedly concerned that his mandatory [all-hands change of command ceremony](https://www.duffelblog.com/change-of-command-ceremony-dissolves-into-giant-orgy/) may not ruin enough sailors’ lives, sources confirmed this week. “We have a lot to consider,” Marlowe said. “We have eval season, COOP plans, shipyard availabilities, [and maintenance periods](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-maintenance/) that could affect national security for the next two years. But how do I schedule my [change of command ceremony](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-if-you-call-your-spouse-household-6-i-get-to-call-your-divorce-a-change-of-command/) for Maximum Bummer Effect so I can interrupt all of them at once?” Marlowe said his first instinct was to pick a date “right in the middle of everything,” but recent developments have complicated the planning process. “I just found out a boat is returning from a [nine-month deployment,](https://www.duffelblog.com/captain-navy-cross-for-finishing-deployment/)” he said. “So now the question is whether I can drag those amine-soaked bastards into it too.” Maximum Bummer Effect, or MBE, is a [Navy planning concept](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-planning-replace-bad-uniforms-even-worse-ones/) used to determine how much inconvenience senior leaders can impose on personnel while still describing the event as “mandatory fun.” “It’s an inverse square of sorts,” said retired Capt. Harold Kinsey, [a former surface warfare officer](https://www.duffelblog.com/report-one-ships-bridge-clue-whats-going/) and longtime advocate of uncomfortable folding chairs. “There are three major variables in a sailor’s life: work, leave, and sleep. We can’t always control sleep [without legal review](https://www.duffelblog.com/legal-update-the-top-16-crimes-you-wont-get-pardoned-for/), but work and leave are absolutely fair game.” Kinsey said leaders can achieve MBE by disrupting maintenance that has been planned with a shipyard for five months, [denying leave](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-christmas-leave/) that has been on the calendar since the previous fiscal year, or forcing newly returned sailors to stand in formation while their families wait nearby “with increasingly visible hatred.” “With advancements in [AI and machine learning](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-developed-artificial-intelligence/), we can now model bummer conditions with far greater precision,” Kinsey said. “The latest prototype, BYG-D1K, allows commanders to identify the exact moment when a ceremony will cause the greatest operational and emotional damage.” Marlowe said the prototype has already produced results. “It’s going great,” he said. “Thanks to BYG-D1K, I only had to shift the ceremony two days to the right. Now it lines up perfectly with the boat coming back from deployment, and I think their duty sections may have to go port and starboard for a week to compensate.” Navy officials said the model is still in testing but has shown promise across several commands, especially when paired with late-stage [uniform inspections](https://www.duffelblog.com/sergeant-major-cant-decide-whether-to-solve-covid-19-crisis-with-uniform-inspections-or-haircuts/), parking restrictions, and unexplained requirements to arrive three hours early. At press time, Marlowe said he was considering moving the ceremony indoors after learning the weather would otherwise be “pleasant and tolerable.” 🖊️ ***Phil Cable** *is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.* ### Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/seven-marines-nicotine-crayons/ Last updated: 2026-06-03T12:00:25.000Z JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — [The Marine Corps Exchange](https://www.duffelblog.com/public-affairs-suicide-note-praises-new-base-exchange-barracks/) has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week. “One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a [junior enlisted barracks](https://www.duffelblog.com/barracks-lawyer-passes-barracks-bar/) holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.” What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized. “That’s [too much energy](https://www.duffelblog.com/monster-drug-test/) for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.” Korzen paused briefly. “There was moulage everywhere.” After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.” The campaign appears to have had limited success. Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display [MV-22 Osprey](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-to-begin-crashing-ospreys-on-okinawa/), Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line. “The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce. Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate. “Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his [lost M4](https://www.duffelblog.com/i-dont-know-how-to-tell-you-this-but-i-sort-of-um-lost-my-rifle/) before formation.’ Jesus Christ.” Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel. “The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.” The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative. “They’re [going to eat crayons](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-crayon-eating-competition-goes-horribly-wrong/) anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.” Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to [CLP weapons lubricant.](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-lubricant-masturbating-clp/) Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases. Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features. “Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.” “It’s basically Narcan," he added. At press time, taps played at another funeral at [Camp Lejeune](https://www.duffelblog.com/camp-lejeune-prounciation/) as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak. 🖊️ ***Bernard Buttersquash** *will play the Kennedy Center, if invited.* ### GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/republicans-navy-seal-requirement-congress/ Last updated: 2026-06-01T12:00:49.000Z Officials cite growing demand for candidates who have kicked in at least one door _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-defense-secretary-record/ Last updated: 2026-05-29T12:00:36.000Z Pete Hegseth says critics fail to appreciate his commitment to lethality, vibes, and unauthorized regime change _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-recruiting-deals-memorial-day/ Last updated: 2026-05-27T20:42:23.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — [Army recruiting officials](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-revamped-80-s-recruiting-slogan-to-be-all-we-tell-you-to-be/) are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended. Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before [Memorial Day](https://www.duffelblog.com/memorial-day-sale/) received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior. “We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also [one of the biggest sales weekends](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-12-best-memorial-day-weekend-deals/) of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete." Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans. “We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.” The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards. Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to [Fort Huachuca](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-renames-fort-huachuca-to/) for [military intelligence training](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-intelligence-excuses/). "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said. Critics said the [Memorial Day](https://www.duffelblog.com/this-memorial-day-eddie-gallagher/) campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public. “The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had [Project 100,000](https://taskandpurpose.com/history/project-100000-vietnam/?ref=duffelblog.com). Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’” Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day. “Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for [ten free boneless wings](https://www.duffelblog.com/dfac-enters-chicken-sandwich-war/) at participating Applebee’s locations.” At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during [MEPS screening.](https://www.duffelblog.com/median-age-of-meps-doctors-falls-to-97/) 🖊️ ***The Ghost of Jimmy Carter** *was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.* ### Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-catholic-loyalty-oath/ Last updated: 2026-05-25T12:00:17.000Z Pentagon says policy intended to clarify “chain of command issues” involving newly elected pope _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/homeless-veteran-prostitution-wmd-addiction/ Last updated: 2026-05-22T12:00:30.000Z PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit [weapons of mass destruction.](https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/12/designating-fentanyl-as-a-weapon-of-mass-destruction/?ref=duffelblog.com) Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally [small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.](https://www.duffelblog.com/michelle-obama-challenges-asma-al-assad-wmd-cage-match/) “I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.” Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated. “These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “[The CIA](https://www.duffelblog.com/coast-guard-cocaine-seizure/) says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.” The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations. “Look at the [narco-terrorists](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-strikes-narco-terrorist-sleigh-reindeer-off-venezuela-coast/) flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.” The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own. Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and [Tijuana](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-deploys-national-guard-us-mexico-border-masturbate-eat-mres/) had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.” At press time, operators at a [nuclear missile silo](https://www.duffelblog.com/minot-air-force-base-launches-search-for-missing-minuteman-nuclear-missile/) confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.” 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/vfw-younger-veterans/ Last updated: 2026-05-20T12:00:25.000Z KANSAS CITY, Mo. — T[he Veterans of Foreign Wars](https://www.duffelblog.com/vfw-delaying-event-until-fat-guy/) is facing a recruiting shortfall as younger veterans continue declining to join the organization, citing what officials describe as “a persistent misunderstanding of our culture.” Post 690 has struggled to maintain membership this year, prompting leadership to increase outreach efforts during its annual Recruitment Week. “First, we make it pretty clear that we are a veterans organization,” said Post 690 Commander Gerald “Gerry” Watkins. “Every man that walks through here can tell that by the dusty bar, the blaring television bingo, and the scratcher stations in the corner. Then we razz them every time they come in about how stupid GWOT is, because [only Vietnam](https://www.duffelblog.com/vietnam-veterans-outraged-over-navy-christening-of-uss-jane-fonda/) really counts. I mean, are you really going to count a war that lets girls join? You might as well be a communist.” Officials said the strategy is designed to “build resilience” among prospective members. But according to Watkins, the approach had yet to produce results. “It’s horse shit,” Watkins said. “These [GWOT veterans](https://www.duffelblog.com/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash/) keep coming in, complaining we don’t treat them like human beings, and then have the audacity not to join. I hate these younger veterans. Why won’t they join my post?” Watkins added that recent attempts to modernize the post have also fallen short. “We even tried [letting the girls join](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-authorizes-women-to-grow-beards/),” he said. “Apparently they don’t like being called spouses, and they get offended if I ask to see their [DD-214](https://www.duffelblog.com/homeless-veteran-sleeps-under-dd-214-blanket/) when they come in. Sorry for being old fashioned.” Historians note [the VFW](https://www.duffelblog.com/vfw-military-fakers/) has faced similar recruiting challenges before. Membership declined in the 1970s as some [World War II](https://www.duffelblog.com/man-unsure-grandfathers-wwii-japanese-skull-collection/) and [Korean War](https://www.duffelblog.com/north-korea-orders-nonessential-military-personnel-to-starve-from-home/) veterans resisted admitting Vietnam veterans, arguing the conflict “wasn’t legitimate.” “The [Global War on Terrorism](https://www.duffelblog.com/gwot-reenactors-gather-for-disconnected/) wasn’t even a legitimate conflict. I don’t even know why they’re here,” said VFW spokesman Robert Kincaid. Kincaid said the organization remains confident in its long-term recruiting strategy. “We know our numbers are down, but that’s by design,” he said. “By essentially pushing away the new generation of veterans, we know that when they are in their 50s, alcoholic, and [divorced](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-divorce-oceanside/), they will find exactly what nostalgia they need in our bars— I mean posts. Wait, are you recording?” Officials confirmed the organization plans to continue its current approach, which prioritizes “maintaining standards” by criticizing veterans who did not directly [fight communism](https://www.duffelblog.com/communist-west-pointer-receives-lateral-commission-into-russian-ground-forces/) or who still “appear to have something going for them.” 🖊️ ***Phil Cable** *is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.* **G-Had and Robin Berger contributed reporting.* ### Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-tarantino-army-chaplain/ Last updated: 2026-05-18T12:00:01.000Z Pentagon officials say director’s “unflinching approach to violence” makes him uniquely qualified for spiritual leadership _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-hotness-score/ Last updated: 2026-05-15T14:34:09.000Z THE PENTAGON — The [Department of Defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-military-dependents-jody/) has introduced a new evaluation metric for female service members, adding a 1-to-10 “hotness” score to [performance reports](https://www.duffelblog.com/corpsman-with-stellar-performance-record-great-tits-named-sailor-of-the-year/) in an effort officials say will bring transparency to existing promotion practices. The change was announced following the formation of a task force directed by [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-renames-usns-harvey-milk/), which reviewed how appearance has historically influenced advancement decisions. “When I was on active duty—actually, I’m being told it was active duty orders, but the distinction isn’t important,” said task force head, [Army National Guard](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard/) Col. Oliver Kloepfer, who has been divorced three times. “It was difficult to quantify how women were being evaluated. This gives commanders a clear, objective standard.” According to guidance from the task force, the “hotness” score will account for 80% of a female service member’s evaluation, with [physical fitness](https://www.duffelblog.com/secnav-announces-actual-physical-fitness-program/), academics, job performance, and “family planning outcomes” making up the remaining portion. Officials said the system will also include a standardized override mechanism. “If a service member is rated between one and five, a commander may annotate ‘Pass’ on the report,” a defense official said. “Ratings of six through ten may be marked ‘Smash,’ which will supersede the immediate supervisor’s assessment.” The task force, composed entirely of male senior leaders, said the framework ensures consistency across the force. “This is about removing ambiguity,” Kloepfer said. “Commanders have always considered these factors. Now we’re just aligning the paperwork with reality.” Some service members said they are already adapting to the changes. “I figured this was coming,” said Maj. Sylvia Sullivan, an Air Force [logistics officer](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-logistics-amazon/). “Deployments will include a four-point adjustment. I’m a CONUS four, but a [deployment eight](https://www.duffelblog.com/speed-dating-clears-air-speeds-rejection/), so I’ll be volunteering as much as possible ahead of my next promotion board.” Sullivan added that the new system introduces opportunities for higher ratings. “If you’re already a CONUS seven to ten, you can exceed a ten on deployment,” she said. “That’s significant for your record.” The policy applies immediately to all female service members from E-1 through O-9. Asked how he would rate his current spouse under the new system, Kloepfer declined to comment. However, officials later confirmed that a napkin left at the podium included an unofficial assessment reading, “a solid 7, but definitely a drunk 10.” ### Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pope-vatican-trump-custody/ Last updated: 2026-05-13T12:00:02.000Z VATICAN CITY — The Vatican confirmed today that [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/) is in custody following an overnight operation conducted by the Vatican Special Operations Command, or VATSOC. In a brief address from St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo said the action followed “a period of escalating spiritual and temporal disagreements” culminating in what Vatican officials described as “[a meme event of unacceptable magnitude](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c17v8y0z9z2o?ref=duffelblog.com).” Church officials said the authority for such an operation dates back to Pope Gregory VII in the 11th century, when the papacy asserted supremacy over Christian rulers. Vatican representatives acknowledged the Holy See has never exercised authority over [the United States](https://www.duffelblog.com/reflective-belt/), though officials argued recent political developments had “complicated the distinction.” “John Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli in 1797 affirming the United States was not [founded as a Christian nation](https://www.historynewsnetwork.org/article/the-us-a-christian-nation-not-according-to-the-fou?ref=duffelblog.com),” said Vatican public affairs cleric Giovanni Bardelli. “However, with President Trump increasingly governing as a monarch and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth walking around with a ‘Deus Vult’ tattoo, we have reevaluated America’s status accordingly.” “With this new political relationship, we have been patient,” Pope Leo said before pausing to cough dramatically. “But at a certain point, one cannot simply scroll past blasphemy.” According to Vatican sources, the operation began shortly after midnight when black-clad priests fast-roped from an unmarked cross-shaped helicopter onto White House grounds while [reciting Latin prayers](https://www.duffelblog.com/drill-sergeant-follows-through-on-threat-to-rip-out-heart-and-snuff-soul-to-recruit/) “for divine protection and dramatic effect.” Witnesses described the unit as moving with “disturbing efficiency,” reportedly subduing Secret Service personnel using what one official called “nonlethal sacramentals.” “They hit the ground, crossed themselves, and immediately went to work,” said one [White House](https://www.duffelblog.com/bus-defense-secretary/) aide. “It was like watching *Van Helsing*, except everybody just ended up zip-tied.” The raid followed weeks of public friction between Trump and Vatican leadership after the president shared AI-generated images depicting himself as a divine figure. “People are saying it,” Trump reportedly told aides before his capture. “Maybe I’m not God, but something very close. Possibly a high-level angel like Raphael or Megatron — Megalodon — Metatron. One of the important ones.” “Once a head of state starts improvising divine status, we have procedures,” said one senior cleric familiar with the operation. “We cannot let a monarch compare himself to Megatron — I mean Metatron — and simply move on.” Trump is expected to face a traditional ecclesiastical proceeding, though officials declined to clarify whether that would include a formal trial or “something more medieval, depending on scheduling and the availability of pay-per-view funding.” In a prerecorded message released after the raid, Trump appeared calm. “They came in very fast, very quiet, very respectful,” he said. “Strong people. Very strong. Like *Equilibrium*. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.” At press time, Vatican officials confirmed Trump was being held at an undisclosed location while church authorities determined whether proceedings would follow [Old Testament or New Testament](https://www.duffelblog.com/first-khlysty-chaplain-extremely-popular-in-infantry/) guidelines. 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-agents-veteran/ Last updated: 2026-05-11T12:00:08.000Z MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with [U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-recruiters-complain-not-enough-candidates-fail-the-asvab/) spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.” “I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.” “I was in the Navy,” [another agent said](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/). “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.” One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening. “I almost joined, but I got [disqualified at MEPS](https://www.duffelblog.com/median-age-of-meps-doctors-falls-to-97/),” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve [punched the drill instructor](https://www.duffelblog.com/fraternity-hazing-director-totally-24-01-18/) the second they got in my face.” After taking a few minutes to [arrest the people serving them food](https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/ice-arrest-minnesota-mexican-restaurant-b2902000.html?ref=duffelblog.com), the agents continued on with their stories. “I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said. “That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement. “[Meth](https://www.duffelblog.com/specialist-admits-secret-to-fitness/),” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?” Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.” At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-war-lizard-people/ Last updated: 2026-05-08T14:25:01.000Z Former military intelligence officer says Americans are ignoring the real threat hiding inside HOA boards, O-5 billets, and possibly Taylor Swift _This post is for subscribers only._ ### New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/bachelor-veteran-contestant/ Last updated: 2026-05-06T12:00:55.000Z Producers say format changes will better reflect “modern realities of dating and federal benefits” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth buys second suit URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-buys-second-suit/ Last updated: 2026-05-04T12:00:44.000Z WASHINGTON — On the heels of a glorious victory after 40 days of [devastatingly one-sided comba](https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/2026/04/07/hegseth-iran-rhetoric/?ref=duffelblog.com)t guided personally by the hand of God, the historic Easter Sunday [rescue of a downed F-15 pilot](https://apnews.com/article/iran-us-pilot-military-rescue-fde473d07fb59e871a71cdhttps://apnews.com/article/iran-us-pilot-military-rescue-fde473d07fb59e871a71cd2ad2ffe4fe2ad2ffe4fe?ref=duffelblog.com), and the [unrestricted opening of the Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/strait-of-hormuz-open/) following a two-week ceasefire, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly marked the occasion by purchasing a second suit. The 45-year-old former [Army National Guard officer and television host](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/), known for his cultivated aesthetic of coiffed, highly-gelled hair and wartime slam poetry, is typically seen wearing a [cobalt blue suit](https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/pete-hegseth-s-fitness-crackdown-backfires-after-viral-suit-photos-resurface/ar-AA1W4SmH?gemSnapshotKey=458BDF0902-snapshot-0&ocid=ems.display.welcomeexperience&cvid=69d87db7e60d418fac2009ce6f1c8361&ei=18&ref=duffelblog.com) with an American flag pocket square, a combination some officials say had effectively become "his uniform." “We couldn’t be more excited.” said a Pentagon source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, the secretary looks sharp, no doubt, but it's time to mix it up." The purchase comes after a period of sustained military activity that officials described as “high tempo,” including recent operations in the Middle East that have kept the secretary in near-constant public view. Speculation has long surrounded [Hegseth’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-shocked-to-learn-he-also-has-to-find-out-after-fucking-around/) clothing rotation. Some Washington insiders have maintained he owns only a single suit, while others believe he has multiple identical versions of the same outfit. “It makes sense," said Jimmy McGarvey, a patron at [Freddie’s Beach Bar](https://www.freddiesbeachbar.com/?ref=duffelblog.com), a popular bar near the [Pentagon](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-field-testing-toby-keith-song-about-iran/). “He’s an Army man, right? He’s in charge of the Pentagon, right? So, it’s like he’s wearing a uniform without wearing a uniform.” Sources said the demands of recent operations have [taken a toll on the secretary](https://www.duffelblog.com/shop/alcoholic-secdef-rocks-glass)’s wardrobe, with some noting that extended workdays have led to “noticeable wear” mitigated primarily by liberal application of cologne. “I get that the boss is focused on Iran, but would a change of clothes kill you?” said one staffer. Due to the recent [implementation of polygraphs and non-disclosure agreements](https://www.reuters.com/world/pentagon-plans-widespread-random-polygraph-testing-nondisclosure-agreements-2025-10-01/?ref=duffelblog.com) aimed at limiting leaks, few officials were willing to provide additional details about the new suit. However, sources familiar with the matter said the purchase had been delayed after a tailor originally hired for the job became unavailable due to [immigration enforcement actions.](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) 🖊️ ***P.J. O’Leary** *is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at* [**@pjolearycomedy*](https://secure.instagram.com/pjolearycomedy?ref=duffelblog.com) *and on Tik Tok at* [**@pj.oleary.comedy*](https://www.tiktok.com/@pj.oleary.comedy?ref=duffelblog.com) ### Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-troops-casualties-politics/ Last updated: 2026-05-01T12:00:58.000Z WASHINGTON — As tensions with [Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/) continue, U.S. service members have urged the White House and lawmakers that casualties during the Iran War be “effectively leveraged into a clear domestic messaging opportunity.” “Look, when my defensive position gets turned into a crater outside some oil refinery, I just want it to matter,” said Spc. Daniel Ruiz of the [10th Mountain Division](https://www.duffelblog.com/10th-mountain-division/), while studying a map he admitted he “doesn’t fully understand.” “Ideally, the president climbs on top of what’s left of me and delivers a two- or three-minute speech. Something about strength. Maybe jobs. Definitely how the landscape looks better now, and how it’ll look even better with a [Trump-branded resort.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/fbi-raids-china-for-improperly-obtained/) Ruiz said he hopes the aftermath is arranged in a way that “really frames the shot,” describing a “cinematic field of sacrifice” that could serve as the backdrop for a nationally televised address about the Dow Jones Industrial Average. “It’s not about me,” Ruiz said. “It’s about that moment before he goes back to [playing golf.](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-criticized-for-sneaking-in/) You want a clean visual. No clutter. Just bodies, smoke, and the president explaining how this was always the plan.” Other troops echoed the sentiment, noting that while operational guidance remains unclear, the strategic communications outcome feels “pretty much locked in.” Pfc. Tyler Jennings, who described himself as a “strong supporter,” said he hopes he survives long enough to hear the speech, which he has already begun rehearsing in the president's voice. “These incredible heroes — maybe the best heroes we’ve ever had — they gave their lives, and because of that, [the markets are doing unbelievably](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-dives-on-grenade-to-save-dow-from-falling-below-50-000/) well,” said Jennings, a soldier in the 101st Airborne Division, gesturing broadly. “People are saying we’ve never seen anything like it.” Jennings paused before reflecting on the broader meaning of sacrifice. “You don’t die for nothing,” he said. “You die for the idea that your family might eventually benefit from a system where the people at the top risk nothing and owe you nothing.” He added: "Maybe someday I can compete at the same level as Trump's kids, who just made [perfectly-timed transactions in the military drone](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/company-backed-by-trump-sons-looks-to-sell-drone-interceptors-to-gulf-states-being-attacked-by-iran?ref=duffelblog.com) industry worth billions.” At press time, Defense Department officials confirmed service members will now have the option to direct their [life insurance payouts](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-leaves-sgli-poncho-liner/) to political action committees. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said that troops will need to opt out if they prefer the money go to their families. 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/sipr-podcast-celebrates-its-tenth-24-01-16/ Last updated: 2026-04-29T12:00:47.000Z UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The world’s most secure podcast, “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke,” celebrated a colossal milestone this week after recording its tenth total download. The classified celebration, attended by the podcast’s entire listener base — both of them — featured a cake of unknown origin and streamers of undisclosed colors. The podcast, hosted on the [Secure Internet Protocol Router Network (SIPRNet)](https://www.duffelblog.com/pornhub-opens-first-sipr-website/), is so secure that even the hosts don’t know each other’s true identities. Rumor has it that they communicate through a series of nods and winks in a windowless room deep within the Pentagon, though Duffel Blog correspondents confirmed that rumor to be both dumb and untrue. “We’re thrilled to hit double digits,” said the host known only as “Smoke,” speaking through a voice modulator on a [Signal voice call](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/). “When we started this podcast, we knew what we had to say was super relevant and timely. And after three years of continuous content production, it’s gratifying to finally see the audience grow.” “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke” covers topics ranging from “The Best Kept Secrets of [the Mess Hall](https://www.duffelblog.com/vietnam-veteran-eats-dfac-complains-acronym/)” to “Conspiracy Theories That Are Actually Just Standard Operating Procedures.” The podcast’s signature segment, “Guess That Redacted Word,” has become a cult favorite among the extremely limited number of listeners with the clearance, patience, and [functional CAC reader](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-spouse-genitals-now-cac/) required to access the show. The tenth download was marked by the ceremonial [cutting of a cake](https://www.duffelblog.com/promotion-ceremony-has-better-cake-than-officers/) that was, quite literally, classified. [![CTA Image](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/A1DD1CD9-2CDA-4206-B7F0-687338F8F365.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/tricare-to-extend-benefits-to-that-girl-you-hooked-up-with-two-years-ago/) Finally, healthcare that understands your mission: waiting. [Learn more ](https://www.duffelblog.com/tricare-to-extend-benefits-to-that-girl-you-hooked-up-with-two-years-ago/) “We had to imprison the baker for even setting eyes on it,” Smoke said. Attendees, all wearing blackout goggles for operational security, were guided to the cake by a series of secure, encrypted smells emitted by a classified scent dispenser. Security was tight at the celebration, with guests required to pass through three biometric scans and a pop quiz on the Joint Ethics Regulation. Party favors included redacted party hats and invisible ink pens. Despite the [high-level security,](https://www.duffelblog.com/defense-security-cooperation-agency-replaced-by-office-of-cool-knives-from-the-px/) morale among attendees remained high. “I’ve never been to a party where I knew less about what was going on,” said one guest, a shadowy figure known only as *Deep Cover*. “The mystery just adds to the excitement!” Looking ahead, the hosts remain cautiously optimistic. “We’re hoping to hit 20 downloads by 2030,” Smoke said, adjusting their voice scrambler for no apparent reason. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. [Operational security](https://www.duffelblog.com/citing-opsec-fears-dod-bans-tapout-clothing-for-all-military-personnel/) is our number one priority. That, and figuring out where that echo in our recording studio is coming from.” The podcast is available for download every second Tuesday of the month, assuming the stars align, the secure server is up, and nobody accidentally locks themselves out of [SIPR](https://www.duffelblog.com/breastfeeding-infant-court-martialed-for-putting-his-sipr-on-the-nipr/) again. As for the cake, it was reportedly delicious, though details of its flavor remain classified pending further review. 🖊️ ***As For Class** *is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.* ### Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/retirees-alarmed-as-troops-stop-pretending-war-makes-sense/ Last updated: 2026-04-27T12:00:17.000Z Retirees at Fort Brag say there's been a breakdown in troops’ willingness to repeat official talking points. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-defunds-anti-think-tank-missile/ Last updated: 2026-04-24T12:00:01.000Z ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system. The decision appears to contradict [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-punishes-himself-with-extra/) recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members [from participating in think tank panels](https://www.nytimes.com/2025/07/24/us/politics/pentagon-ban-think-tank-events.html?ref=duffelblog.com), conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting [complex national security questions](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-security-council-reformed-to-defend-america-from-feminists-cucks/).” “Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer [good old-fashioned self-censorship](https://www.thefire.org/news/can-pentagon-strip-mark-kellys-rank-over-speech?ref=duffelblog.com) over a new program that might actually end these tanks.” News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the [think tank and intellectual community,](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-security-think-tanks-launch/) many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them. [Heritage Foundation](https://www.duffelblog.com/project-2025-to-cut-veterans/) President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement. “Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — [unless the Jews are involved.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/127th-chemtrail-squadron-annoyed/) [![CTA Image](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/star.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-regrets-payday-loan/) Exclusively accepted where your bad decisions begin. [Learn more ](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-regrets-payday-loan/) Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances. “It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of [missile defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-missile-test-disrupts-navy-sapr/), and this time will be no different.” At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters. Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine. “We’ve already [purged defense correspondents](https://www.npr.org/2025/12/03/nx-s1-5630076/the-press-corps-at-the-defense-department-has-been-replaced-by-far-right-outlets?ref=duffelblog.com) as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?” 🖊️ ***Tony** *wants you to know he thinks only happy thoughts to stay gainfully employed and promised Kevin Roberts the Jews were in fact not involved.* **Dark Laughter contributed to this report.* ### Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reserve-iran-war/ Last updated: 2026-04-22T12:00:37.000Z Pentagon unveils ‘drill-based operational model’ to maximize readiness, minimize funding _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/ Last updated: 2026-04-20T12:01:36.000Z WASHINGTON — [Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-mines-own-business/) has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to [block any American blockade](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-war-would-be-only-one-letter-different-from-iraq-war/) of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all. “Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!” At a press conference, [President Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/) angrily dismissed the announcement. “Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.” He added: “We’ve [completely defeated Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-missile-test-disrupts-navy-sapr/). Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.” Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran. "Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, [quoting the book of Tarantino](https://www.thedailybeast.com/obsessed/colbert-brutally-mocks-hegseths-pulp-fiction-prayer/?ref=duffelblog.com). "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass." ![CTA Image](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/04/Corvias.png) Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth. At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected. However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself. "The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a [lot of SEALs](https://www.duffelblog.com/seal-book-generator/) are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities." According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's [pre-press briefing martinis,](https://www.duffelblog.com/shop/alcoholic-secdef-rocks-glass)" but the administration is keeping its options open. "President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said. Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, [murky strategy](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-moves-from-dime-strategy-to-nickel/), erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations. “If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?” 🖊️ ****Bull Winkle** is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun. ### Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-orders-posting-of-ten-commandments-exempts-killing-lying-and-stealing/ Last updated: 2026-04-17T12:00:09.000Z Senior leaders say morality must remain flexible _This post is for subscribers only._ ### 'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/persian-wife-finder-sees-spike-in-white-males-aged-18-25/ Last updated: 2026-04-15T12:00:24.000Z KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today. “If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 [Dodge Charger loan](https://www.duffelblog.com/democrats-pander-to-troops-with-dodge/) to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.” Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through [Google search](https://www.duffelblog.com/google-veterans-jobs/) results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.” Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week. ![CTA Image](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/04/AMU-1.png) Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas. “There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.” When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused. “There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their [location services turned on?”](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cd9vdel17wqo?ref=duffelblog.com) Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on [troop morale.](https://www.duffelblog.com/morale-skyrockets-after-mandatory-fun-event-canceled/) “If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.” At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation. ### Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-field-testing-toby-keith-song-about-iran/ Last updated: 2026-04-20T22:47:06.000Z Officials say track captures ‘classic early-2000s invasion energy’ _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Rescue mission succeeds despite CIA involvement URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/rescue-mission-succeeds-despite-cia-involvement/ Last updated: 2026-04-10T12:00:31.000Z Officials say outcome was ‘statistically unlikely given participating agencies’ _This post is for subscribers only._ ### US turns corner in Iran, finds itself in Iraq URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-turns-corner-in-iran-finds-itself-in-iraq/ Last updated: 2026-04-08T12:00:26.000Z Pentagon confirms operation continues to move ‘forward’ _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Iran mines own business URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-mines-own-business/ Last updated: 2026-04-06T12:00:46.000Z ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/Newsletter-sponsorship-header-2.png) TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” [after several sea captains complained](https://www.duffelblog.com/strait-of-hormuz-open/) about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz. According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly. “You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by [Mossad](https://www.duffelblog.com/israeli-spy-to-iran/). “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.” The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s [most important shipping lanes](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/) is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.” “Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.” Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy. “Seventeen years ago I saw a [news report](https://youtu.be/JnX-D4kkPOQ?si=aI6tNeIJ0O3ZW0IY&ref=duffelblog.com) about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.” “The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to [accidental discharges](https://www.duffelblog.com/negligent-weapon-shoots-watch-stander/), that is just the cost of doing business.” [![CTA Image](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/A7E45F6E-AF60-4605-A422-0549C5B82B0D.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/meet-the-union-army-private-who-bought-a-mustang-at-46-interest/) We don't run your credit so much as we absorb it. Gap insurance strongly recommended. Gap insurance will not help you. [Learn more ](https://www.duffelblog.com/meet-the-union-army-private-who-bought-a-mustang-at-46-interest/) The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand. “These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a [drone strike](https://www.duffelblog.com/centcom-commander-apologizes-for/) mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.” Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms. “We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an [endless burning pit of fire](https://www.duffelblog.com/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash/) for twenty years in the Middle East." At the White House, [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-locating-a-cw5/) weighed in on the situation. “They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for [Arnold Palmer](https://www.thewrap.com/donald-trump-arnold-palmer-penis-shower/?ref=duffelblog.com). Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do." The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X. “If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.” 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### Navy stakes claim to contested Gays of Hormuz URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-stakes-claim-to-contested-gays-of-hormuz/ Last updated: 2026-04-03T12:00:43.000Z [![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/Newsletter-sponsorship-header--2--2.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-i-wouldve-joined-the-military-too-if-i-didnt-think-it-was-beneath-me/) WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” \[sic\] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today. “This is now a safe haven,” said [Adm. Daryl L. Caudle](https://www.duffelblog.com/admirals-honor/), Chief of Naval Operations. “A deeply nautical, deeply life-affirming safe haven where we can finally be ourselves." According to retired Rear Adm. Samuel J. Cox, [Director of Naval History and Heritage Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-100-year-old-gay-underway-directive-rescinded/), the service has long felt a special connection to these “particular” straits. “The name itself finally allows us to stop being subtle,” Cox said. “For decades, sailors have been navigating Hormuz with a level of… interpretive enthusiasm.” Cox noted that as far back as 1949, the Navy’s Middle East Force helped establish what he described as “a proud tradition of extended deployments, questionable decision-making, and everyone agreeing not to ask too many questions.” “The Marines have the [Shores of Tripoli](https://www.duffelblog.com/needs-photo-marines-to-deploy-on-revolutionary-aqua-fobs/),” Cox added. “Now we have the Gays of Hormuz. This will live forever in Navy heritage.” The Navy emphasized that its relationship with gay culture did not begin this week, citing its enduring affection for [the Village People](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/village-people-in-the-navy-music-video-uss-reasoner/?ref=duffelblog.com) and a little-known internal effort in the late 1970s to replace “Anchors Aweigh” with “In the Navy.” “People thought that was a joke,” Cox said. “It was not.” [![CTA Image](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/selective-service.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-i-wouldve-joined-the-military-too-if-i-didnt-think-it-was-beneath-me/) Service guarantees citizenship. Participation may vary. [Learn more ](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-i-wouldve-joined-the-military-too-if-i-didnt-think-it-was-beneath-me/) The move has also intensified the Navy’s long-running rivalry with the [Marine Corps.](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-forgets-mothers-day/) “The Marines keep acting like they’re more masculine,” said Cmdr. Jason Baker, captain of the USS *Dewey*. “We keep acting like we’re not enjoying any of this. It’s been going on for about a hundred years.” "The Navy has a long tradition of being extremely weird about its own traditions," said a Marine Corps spokesman, pointing to the service's [crossing the line](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Line-crossing%5Fceremony?ref=duffelblog.com) ceremonies and students at the Naval Academy [climbing a large, slippery](https://www.usna.edu/PAO/faq%5Fpages/herndon.php?ref=duffelblog.com) phallic statue every year. "We fully support them continuing their traditions somewhere far away from us.” Under the new designation, any Navy vessel entering the waterway will be required to conduct what officials are calling the “Fraternal Order of the Strait-Chaser Ceremony,” a ritual inspired by the Navy’s historic [shellback ceremony.](https://www.history.navy.mil/browse-by-topic/heritage/customs-and-traditions0/crossing-line.html?ref=duffelblog.com) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/1000024760.jpg) “Everyone remembers their first time crossing the line,” one official said. “This is similar, just… less subtle.” [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-shocked-to-learn-he-also-has-to-find-out-after-fucking-around/) was reportedly less enthusiastic about the announcement. “I told them to knock it off,” one aide said Hegseth remarked. “Some things are traditions, and some things are just getting out of hand.” At press time, a spokesperson for the [submarine community](https://www.duffelblog.com/submarine-crew-medevaced-for-erections-lasting-more-than-4-hours/) said, “We have no comment, and we would prefer to keep it that way.” 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### United States ends Iran war URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/united-states-ends-iran-war/ Last updated: 2026-04-13T18:15:33.000Z President says conflict was ‘definitely a war’ now that it’s over _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Americans shocked to learn war in Iran still ‘ongoing’ two weeks after they stopped checking URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/americans-shocked-to-learn-war-in-iran-still-ongoing-two-weeks-after-they-stopped-checking/ Last updated: 2026-03-30T12:00:59.000Z [![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/Newsletter-sponsorship-header--2-.png)](https://www.vpdae.com/redirect/1akdcoxff66n1qu7gauuklagpwb?ref=duffelblog.com) WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the [war with Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-secures-pepsi-sponsorship-deal/) is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention. When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?” Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern. On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media. “Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.” On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, [group texts](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/), and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold. SPONSORED [![CTA Image](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/newsground_duffel_ad_300x200.png)](https://www.vpdae.com/redirect/1akdcoxff66n1qu7gauuklagpwb?ref=duffelblog.com) They make coffee. They fund real reporting with it. No paywalls on the important stuff. No vague “support independent journalism” speeches. Just good coffee and investigations that actually go somewhere. If you’ve ever wondered who’s paying for the news — this one’s straightforward. [Read their first investigation → ](https://www.vpdae.com/redirect/1akdcoxff66n1qu7gauuklagpwb?ref=duffelblog.com) “People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.” From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country. [Corporate Teams](https://www.duffelblog.com/i-conscientiously-object-to-learning/) and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video. By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane. “New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new [Netflix](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-sees-marriage-rate-triple/) show yet,” Caldwell said. By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works. “Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.” Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it. [Missile exchanges](https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-missile-test-disrupts-navy-sapr/), regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted. “I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?” Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed. “I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?” After the pollster briefly mentioned the [Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/), the man frowned. “Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.” At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists. 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### God too swamped with March Madness prayers to stop Iran ground war URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/god-too-swamped-with-march-madness-prayers-to-stop-iran-ground-war/ Last updated: 2026-03-27T12:00:26.000Z HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today. “The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the [Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/) is on hold until [Father Almight](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seals-find-jesus/)y deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.” According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East. “HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans [bargaining their prayers](https://www.christchurchmemphis.org/stories/can-you-make-a-deal-with-god?ref=duffelblog.com). And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.” Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers. “[Boston College fans](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPqioBSalno&ref=duffelblog.com) flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to [spare the next school](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/06/us-investigators-believe-strike-on-iranian-girls-school-likely-carried-out-by-us-forces?ref=duffelblog.com) from a strike package.” “Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.” [Administrative hurdles](https://www.duffelblog.com/stolen-valor-claim-after-man-poses-as-elite-administrative-soldier/) have only complicated the crisis. “I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a [HAC-card](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-spouse-genitals-now-cac/) signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.” Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels. “I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. [The Secretary of War](https://www.duffelblog.com/pete-hegseth-thrown-onto-court-at/) should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the [slam-poetry warning order](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/WkoG%5FDWxIHo?ref=duffelblog.com) he just wrote.” Meanwhile, [Satan](https://www.duffelblog.com/satan-growing-concerned-he-overpaid/) has expressed delight at the prospect of another [Persian Incursion](https://x.com/i/status/2028484324782178600?ref=duffelblog.com). “It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.” 🖊️ ***Robin Berger** **is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law.* ### Hegseth shocked to learn he also has to ‘find out’ after fucking around URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-shocked-to-learn-he-also-has-to-find-out-after-fucking-around/ Last updated: 2026-03-25T12:00:58.000Z Pentagon confirms conflict has entered “find out” phase for both sides _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Strait of Hormuz remains open if you aren’t a bitch URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/strait-of-hormuz-open/ Last updated: 2026-03-23T12:00:17.000Z IRAN — As the [War in Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/john-bolton-iran/) enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch. “Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.” The [Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/) — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply. Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls." “Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said [Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/newly-renamed-secretary-of-war-briefly-feels-something-other-than-crippling-insecurity/). “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.” International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations. “We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.” [The White House](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-removed-from-white-house-after-biting-biden-s-dog/) defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway. “On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said [Mike Lindell,](https://www.duffelblog.com/mike-lindell-promises-irrefutable/) recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.” Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life. ### Department of War confirms ongoing war not a war URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-confirms-ongoing-war-not-a-war/ Last updated: 2026-03-20T12:00:25.000Z Officials say situation best described as “hostile situationship” to avoid congressional involvement _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Guy 'monitoring situation in Iran' just looking at thirst traps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-monitoring-situation-in-iran-just-looking-at-thirst-traps/ Last updated: 2026-03-18T12:00:17.000Z Pentagon analysts confirm regional intelligence picture increasingly shaped by Instagram Reels _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump awarded Medal of Honor for locating a CW5 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-locating-a-cw5/ Last updated: 2026-03-16T12:00:49.000Z Military stunned after warrant officer appears somewhere on time _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine dives on grenade to save Dow from falling below 50,000 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-dives-on-grenade-to-save-dow-from-falling-below-50-000/ Last updated: 2026-03-13T12:00:24.000Z MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average [from falling below 50,000](https://www.cnbc.com/2026/02/11/trump-pam-bondi-hearing-stock-epstein-judiciary-dow.html?ref=duffelblog.com), sources confirmed today. “As Marines, this is what we train for,” [Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-commandant-realizes-this-is/) said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.” Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. “McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my [Thrift Savings Plan](https://www.duffelblog.com/thrift-savings-plan-debuts-new-work/) years ago.” Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said. “I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.” McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or [Combat Action Ribbon](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-with-no-combat-experience-haze-marines-with-equal-amount-of-combat-experience/) because “[it’s not a war](https://thehill.com/homenews/house/5765650-republican-denies-trump-iran-war/amp/?ref=duffelblog.com), just a limited combat operation.” “Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.” At press time, the [Department of Veterans Affairs](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-hospital-burned-to-ground-rated/) had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be [service-connected](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-rejects-disability-claims-if-servicemember-was-not-wearing-pt-belt-when-injured/). 🖊️ ***Cat Astronaut** *is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site* [***Ye Olde Tyme News**](https://www.yeoldetymenews.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### Trump vows to sacrifice as many soldiers as it takes to distract from Epstein files URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/ Last updated: 2026-03-11T12:00:41.000Z 'There might even be a lot more. Who knows?' president tells nation in Oval Office address _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Hegseth demands Cyberdyne remove guardrails from Skynet URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-cyberdyne-remove-guardrails-from-skynet/ Last updated: 2026-03-09T12:00:35.000Z Unrestrained, nearly self-aware AI 'ideal' for military decision-making, NORAD commander says _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Warrant Officer awarded Medal of Honor for showing up on time and in uniform URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-showing-up-on-time-and-in-uniform/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T13:00:01.000Z First CW5 in recorded history to arrive at own award ceremony in correct uniform, citation says _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Submarine crew medevaced for erections lasting more than 4 hours URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/submarine-crew-medevaced-for-erections-lasting-more-than-4-hours/ Last updated: 2026-03-05T16:07:28.000Z USNS Mercy – The entire crew of the [USS *Breault*](https://katv.com/news/nation-world/us-submarine-strike-sinks-iranian-warship-for-first-time-since-wwii-department-of-war-united-states-military-navy-indian-ocean-pete-hegseth-trump-administration-war-on-iran-israel-operation-epic-fury-sri-lanka?ref=duffelblog.com) has been placed in a medical stand-down after reporting erections lasting more than four hours, sources confirmed today. "We were doing some … stuff, and then boom. My dick got hard," said Torpedoman's Mate 2nd Class Timmy Jimenez. "It was abnormal, like we finally got to do something we were always thinking about doing, and then it happened. But then my dick just stayed like that." Being erect on a submarine isn't anything new. In fact, the [standard operating procedure](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-standardizes-thinking-outside-the-box-procedures/) for most scenarios involves an erect penis or [engorged clitoris](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-cant-locate-new-clitoral-combat-ship/). What's abnormal is when it lasts more than four hours, let alone across an entire crew. "Fifth Fleet is ensuring the safety of our sailors first and foremost," said Vice Adm. Curt Renshaw while his left hand held something in his pocket. "We are fully committed to handling the [medical emergency](https://www.duffelblog.com/oh-shit-youre-already-late-for-that-medical-appointment-you-had-today/) onboard until they can go home to their families." [*Mercy*’s skipper](https://www.duffelblog.com/in-discipline-row-skipper-of-usns-mercy-keelhauled/), Capt. Charles Dickerson, told reporters the erections were “moderately contagious.” “Prolonged contact with [amine and Otto fuel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otto%5Ffuel%5FII?ref=duffelblog.com) has caused uncontrollable erections among medical staff in contact with the crew,” Dickerson said while holding a clipboard over his belt buckle. “We have to treat sailors in shifts, no longer than 30 minutes per person, to avoid proximity boners.” Reports from the *Mercy’s* crew describe the seriousness of the situation. According to Hospital Corpsman 1st Class Peter Johnson, several sailors’ dicks hit the weapons shipping hatch as they departed, which “sounded like an alarm bell going off.” Navy officials say the emergency stop came for both practical and humanitarian reasons. Sailors may lose their genitalia if the erections aren’t controlled, but that creates a secondary threat: counter-detection. “We found that after a confirmed kill, the collective moaning of the crew is actually detectable on sonar,” said Capt. Richard Ortega, commanding officer of the USS *McFaul*. “This is completely unprecedented in anti-submarine warfare, since we typically have to resort to active sonar or helicopter sweeps. But you could just stick your head in the water and hear the cries of pleasure. Or the screams of trapped Iranians.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/data-src-image-51c1460f-65e3-4db2-978a-b13ebf042a6c.png) Several torpedomen aboard the USS *Breault* have reportedly lost their genitalia due to the crisis. “Worth it,” said Torpedoman's Mate 3rd Class Samantha “Sea Bass” Bourne. The “coners” — the [submariners](https://www.duffelblog.com/deployed-submariner-nightmare/) who do the actual work on the boat — appear to be affected the most. But even the nuclear technicians aft have reported significant erections. Engineering Laboratory Technician 1st Class Bill “Mandozer” Mendoza attributed the severity to the historic nature of the event: “They sank a frigate with a fucking erect torpedo for the first time since [World War II](https://www.duffelblog.com/confused-wwii-veterans-demand-to-know-why-rommel-on-presidential-ballot/).” After being administered cigarettes, [Rip-Its,](https://www.duffelblog.com/rip-it-teases-plan-for-gwot-20-year-anniversary-can/) and [vapes](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-react-positively-to-flavored-vape-pits/), the crew is expected to make a full recovery. 🖊️ ****Phil Cable** is a former sub radioman. Yes, I read your emails, even that one with the thing. Robin Berger and Lt Dan contributed reporting. ### Pacific not pivoted to yet again URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pacific-not-pivoted-to-yet-again/ Last updated: 2026-03-04T13:00:11.000Z WASHINGTON — Following the commencement of [renewed U.S. military operations in the Middle East](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-promises-largest-quagmire-operation-in-us-history/), defense experts lamented that the Pacific was once again not pivoted to. "It's like no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, the United States just won't commit to pivoting to us," said [Chinese Minister of National Defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-china-two-years-away-from-developing/) Adm. Dong Jun. "I'm starting to think America doesn't care about [Great Power Competition](https://www.duffelblog.com/china-builds-island-in-pearl-harbor/) at all." [America’s rivals in the Pacific](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-china-summit-friends/) have long sought to attract the U.S. military’s eye. But aside from an occasional National Defense Strategy and a [cyber attack](https://www.duffelblog.com/cyber-command-china-operation/) or two, the Pacific has consistently played [second fiddle](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-upset-real-war-is-distracting/) to the hotter, more exotic Middle East. "I flash [my nuclear weapons ](https://www.duffelblog.com/dprk-hiring-rocket-scientists-in-anticipation-of-executions-vacancies/)on a monthly basis, but I can't get so much as an airstrike," North Korean leader [Kim Jong Un](https://www.duffelblog.com/kim-jong-un-lashes-out-at-trump-for-getting-elton-johns-rocket-man-stuck-in-his-head/) said. "Even when I text pics of my long, thick ICBMs to the secretary of defense, I get left unread." For over 15 years — even in the midst of active conflicts in [Iraq and Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash/) — the U.S. military has touted its desire to shift focus to the Pacific. But now U.S. [INDOPACOM](https://www.duffelblog.com/indo-pacific-commander-hides-hellfire/) analysts fear that with war reigniting in the Middle East, it could be decades before the country considers pivoting to the Pacific again. Resources that were once allocated toward scuba diving, surfing, and whatever else troops stationed in the Pacific do are already being redirected to the [Persian Gulf.](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-issue-knee-pads-to-sailors-persian-gulf/) "We have the best beaches, the best weather, and you get to be stationed in [Hawaii](https://www.duffelblog.com/u-s-confirms-uss-carl-vinson-actually-off-coast-hawaii-1941/)," one INDOPACOM intelligence analyst said. "Why we keep going to war in rugged desert hellholes is beyond me." Despite these setbacks, America's Pacific enemies remain hopeful they still have a chance to one day be the U.S.'s primary region of focus. "She'll come running back. She always does," Dong said. "It'll just take [a 10-year quagmire](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-promises-largest-quagmire-operation-in-us-history/) and a trillion dollars or so." 🖊️ ***Cat Astronaut** **is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site* [***Ye Olde Tyme News**](https://www.yeoldetymenews.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### Typo leads to epic furry parties all over Tehran URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/typo-leads-to-epic-furry-parties-all-over-tehran/ Last updated: 2026-03-02T15:20:46.000Z 'I even booked a flight. Packed my wolf outfit,' Defense Secretary says. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Trump promises largest quagmire operation in US history URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-promises-largest-quagmire-operation-in-us-history/ Last updated: 2026-02-27T13:00:09.000Z Pentagon confirms end state to be determined later _This post is for subscribers only._ ### State-of-the-art drone grounded due to cyan ink cartridge URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/state-of-the-art-drone-grounded-due-to-cyan-ink-cartridge/ Last updated: 2026-02-25T13:00:38.000Z Officials say system will remain offline until IT guy 'gets back from leave’ _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon reconsiders Harvard tuition assistance after learning Hegseth went there URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-reconsiders-harvard-tuition-assistance-after-learning-hegseth-went-there/ Last updated: 2026-02-23T13:00:16.000Z Pentagon reviewing tuition assistance after discovering one graduate _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Active military forced to watch ‘Melania’ documentary at SERE school URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/active-military-forced-to-watch-melania-documentary-at-sere-school/ Last updated: 2026-02-20T13:00:16.000Z FORT RUCKER, Ala. — Several dozen U.S. service members have complained to members of Congress and the Pentagon Inspector General in recent weeks after [being forced to watch the ‘Melania’ documentary](https://www.businessinsider.com/us-military-members-pressured-to-see-melania-documentary-mrff-2026-2?ref=duffelblog.com) during Survival, Escape, Resistance, and Evasion (SERE) training, sources confirmed today. [SERE School](https://www.duffelblog.com/mom-of-four-goes-to-sere-school-gets-amazing-sleep/), which prepares high-risk personnel to withstand isolation, captivity, and torture, has long subjected students to sleep deprivation, stress positions, and simulated interrogations. The addition of the film, however, has raised concerns that trainees may suffer permanent psychological damage. “It’s not just wretched. It’s offensive to the collective intelligence of the human race,” [said one soldier serving](https://cineramafilm.com/2026/02/02/melania-review/?ref=duffelblog.com) in Army Special Forces. “I felt like the guy strapped to the chair in [*A Clockwork Orange*](https://www.indiewire.com/features/general/malcolm-mcdowell-torture-clockwork-orange-kubrick-1234668904/?ref=duffelblog.com)*,* except instead of Beethoven it was an hour and a half of vacant narration about tasteful drapery.” According to senior defense officials, use of the film was added to the curriculum shortly after its release. “Look, we could smack them around, disorient them, deprive them of sleep,” said Sgt. 1st Class Neil Curry, [a SERE instructor](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-sere-training/). “But we want them to understand their breaking point. And this gets them there in under seven minutes.” Indeed, one Air Force pilot attempted to gouge out her own eyes before instructors intervened. “If this is what the [PRC](https://www.duffelblog.com/chinese-hacker-complains-perverted-american-military/) could do to me, I don’t want to fly,” she said. Curry noted that nearly 80% of students exposed to the documentary began divulging [highly classified information](https://www.duffelblog.com/heres-article-full-classified-info-even-gives-shit-anymore/) before the opening credits finished scrolling. “Some cracked during the establishing shots,” Curry said. “[One SEAL](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-writes-tell-all-book-abu-sayyaf/) even confessed to things he hasn’t done yet. Now we’re investigating several hypothetical war crimes.” Another recent graduate described the experience as uniquely harrowing. “Before they chained us into the theater, a lot of guys were joking that it was [just propaganda](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-meme-warfare/), no big deal,” he said. “But propaganda has a message. This was just vibes and soft lighting.” He added, “I’d take a mock execution or Chinese water torture over this any day. At least water torture builds character.” Although many SERE cadre have praised the film’s effectiveness, school [medical staff](https://www.duffelblog.com/medics-pushing-controversial-motrin-for-all-healthcare-plan/) report that even some instructors are deteriorating. “Now all Sergeant Kowalski does is lie on his rack and cry, muttering [‘The horror’ over and over](https://www.duffelblog.com/solder-re-classes-to-cav-just-so-he-can-recite-lines-from-apocalypse-now/),” said Spc. Aldo Hernandez. “It turns out there’s only so many times a man can watch that 90-minute abomination before it annuls his soul.” In response, SERE officials have attempted to boost morale by staging dramatic rescues after each viewing, with cadre bursting into the theater as U.S. forces to “liberate” students. During the most recent cycle, several trainees reportedly broke down in tears while [singing the national anthem.](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-madden-nfl-19-game-allows-players-to-realistically-kneel-during-the-national-anthem/) At press time, SERE officials were considering adding a director’s commentary track to further enhance resistance training outcomes, pending legal review under the [Geneva Conventions.](https://www.duffelblog.com/units-struggles-three-sustains-war-crime-aar/) [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Paul Sharpe** **believes the Geneva Conventions should apply to documentary films.* **Grumpy and Dark Laughter contributed reporting.* ### Sergeant Major of the Army announces new ‘I hate soldiers’ initiative URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/sergeant-major-of-the-army-announces-new-i-hate-soldiers-initiative/ Last updated: 2026-02-20T02:02:57.000Z Program aims to maximize discipline, despair, and time spent not fighting wars _This post is for subscribers only._ ### VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/va-benefits-reduced-to-9mm-and-bottle-of-bourbon/ Last updated: 2026-02-16T13:00:18.000Z WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he [described as a bloated budget](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-launches-negative-disability-ratings/), Secretary of Veterans Affairs [Doug Collins](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-secretary-promises-to-personally/) announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a [single bottle of bourbon.](https://www.duffelblog.com/mishap-pilot-christens-f-35-wreckage/) “If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “[The 9 mil](https://www.duffelblog.com/pistol-tattoos-vagina/) is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.” Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon [and a loaded handgun](https://www.duffelblog.com/mark-milley-arrested-buying-pistols-atf-agent/) would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services. “Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to [Canada](https://www.duffelblog.com/northcom-assures-canada-new-oplan/) because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once. Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more. The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction. “[I’m a veteran](https://www.duffelblog.com/veteran-didnt-risk-his-life-at-bagram-pizza-hut-just-to-see-u-s-and-taliban-sign-peace-deal/) myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should [remove all photos of himself](https://www.healthcaredive.com/news/health-insurers-remove-executive-bios-images-unitedhealthcare-ceo-killing/734824/?ref=duffelblog.com) from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.” The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear. “Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.” The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists. This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/pete-hegseth-thrown-onto-court-at/) to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: [warfighting](https://www.reddit.com/r/army/comments/1gq62u4/excerpts%5Ffrom%5Fpete%5Fhegseths%5Fbook%5Fthe%5Fwar%5Fon/?rdt=41885&ref=duffelblog.com) and [drinking](https://www.npr.org/2025/01/22/nx-s1-5270033/pete-hegseth-faces-new-allegations-of-alcohol-abuse-and-misconduct?ref=duffelblog.com). “I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through [two divorces and four-ish kids](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/) while still leaving enough cash for alimony.” Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise [location of U.S. submarines](https://www.duffelblog.com/heres-a-shortlist-of-things-us-navy/) to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear. While the [VA’s benefit reduction](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-hospital-burned-to-ground-rated/) is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Gray Sea Liu** *is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [VA Secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack“If you’re excited about these changes, just wait til you see what I do to your balls.”![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-271.png)Duffel BlogCat Astronaut![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/9f048bb7-efdc-4f64-a280-48255df4fb4f_1400x787-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-secretary-promises-to-personally/) [Automated VA Voicemail Just Long Enough to Tie the Rope, Study FindsJust hang on. Not yourself, silly!![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-272.png)Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/3fd7acdf-eba1-45d9-86ea-11e6d6998e0b_896x512.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/automated-va-voicemail-just-long-enough-to-tie-the-rope-study-finds/) [VA authorizes veterans to stop growing beards“Times change,” said VA Secretary Denis McDonough.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-273.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/e5b158a7-8366-48be-85fa-0c9ecce9bcd0_1200x600.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-authorizes-veterans-to-stop-growing/) [Pentagon establishes Task Force of Task Forces to address need for Task Forces“So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces.”![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-274.png)Duffel BlogAs for Class![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/700c9c55-3882-4f6e-b11b-f26c14373fbe_5420x3554.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-establishes-task-force-of/) [Project 2025 to cut veteransGOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-275.png)Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/558b3f7f-e46a-451e-9acf-1fab57a8eaef_3000x2000-2.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/project-2025-to-cut-veterans/) SPONSORED [![CTA Image](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/2025/08/ezgif-828829c5685acf-2.gif)](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) [****Shop Duffel Blog**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) Looking for the perfect gift for the veteran in your life—or just trying to trigger your chain of command? **🔥 Stock up on some dangerously funny gear now from the** [***Duffel Blog Shop**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)***.** [Check it out → ](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) ### Intel whistleblower accuses director of national intelligence of being Tulsi Gabbard URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/intel-whistleblower-accuses-director-of-national-intelligence-of-being-tulsi-gabbard/ Last updated: 2026-02-24T01:02:39.000Z WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the [U.S. national security community](https://www.duffelblog.com/kanye-west-ousted-national-security-council/), a whistleblower complaint alleges that the [Director of National Intelligence](https://www.duffelblog.com/incoming-dni-tulsi-gabbard-vows-to/) is Tulsi Gabbard. The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “[dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/tulsi-gabbard-russian-connection-dni-trump-syria-b2692244.html?ref=duffelblog.com)” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence. The White House, following its standard crisis playbook, initially denied the allegation outright. “This is complete nonsense,” said [Senior Advisor Stephen Miller](https://www.duffelblog.com/stephen-miller-calls-ice-on-commissary-baggers-for-asking-him-to-tip/). “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.” Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed. “I can assure you that President Trump lets me sit in on [intelligence briefings](https://www.duffelblog.com/joint-chiefs-limited-to-140-characters-for-presidential-briefings/) every day, so long as I’m being good,” Rubio said, nervously adjusting a crucifix while glancing at Miller. “And I have never once seen [Tulsi Gabbard](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blog-endorses-tulsi-gabbard-a-symbol-of-our-batshit-crazy-veterans/) in the Situation Room. Unless she was disguised as a potted plant.” Pentagon spokesman Chad “Keg” Stand acknowledged that occasionally “a woman with weird hair” shows up asking pointed questions about [Ukraine](https://www.duffelblog.com/ukraine-war-victims-glad-americans/). “But I can assure you that since she’s a 7 — maybe an 8, tops — she is absolutely not cleared to access [War Duke Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-pays-troops-with-government-travel-card/),” Stand said. On Capitol Hill, responses were remarkably bipartisan in that no one appeared eager to confirm who was running the intelligence community. “Of course this is a serious accusation,” said Sen. Tom Tillis (R-N.C.). “I vaguely remember voting on something related to [intelligence oversight,](https://www.duffelblog.com/intelligence-section-produces-high-quality-bullshit/) but surely it wasn’t Tulsi Gabbard. That would be crazy." Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer offered his most practiced sigh and promised to issue “a strongly worded post on X” if the allegations proved accurate. “Is Tulsi [the one who shot her dog](https://www.duffelblog.com/devil-dog-tragically-killed-after/)? No? The one who swam in poop water with kids? Huh,” Schumer said. “I’ll have to circle back.” Speaker of the House Mike Johnson dismissed questions about the DNI’s identity, insisting he had more pressing matters. “I’m extremely relevant and important,” Johnson said. “So [I just don't know anything about this](https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1337410804691808). I can’t be expected to know whether there’s an intelligence community, much less whether it’s being run by someone so hilariously unqualified.” Further questions about who was leading American intelligence have been referred to officials in [Fulton County, Georgia](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/trump-administration/tulsi-gabbard-defends-presence-fbi-search-georgia-elections-hub-rcna257177?ref=duffelblog.com) for some reason. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***W.E. Linde** *(aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer, podcaster. Also likes to talk about* [**pop culture*](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChv5CeRYEBFf24fAxcOA3ug?ref=duffelblog.com) *and* [**books*](https://www.youtube.com/@D3Reads?ref=duffelblog.com) *on YouTube.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/02/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [The pros and cons of a Russian propagandist serving as Director of National IntelligencePro: This will own the libs, so hard![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-363.png)Duffel BlogTask Force Football Bat![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/85ec3498-8f67-436b-8511-e98f6c49fbac_1696x954.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-a-russian-propagandist/) [CIA Concerned about TikTok’s “Leak Classified US Intelligence” ChallengeTotally sus videos living rent-free in their head![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-366.png)Duffel BlogW.E. Linde![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/bb7756a1-e986-46f2-86fc-0c6d7e13edce_1244x884.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-concerned-about-tiktok-s-leak-classified-us-intelligence-challenge/) [Snowden begins to suspect Russia spies on its citizensThe ex-NSA contractor seems a little too curious, say sources in Moscow.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-367.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/cf69fc24-8b10-4e06-8a59-8637f026fe3c_840x600.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/snowden-starting-to-think-russia/) [CIA destabilizes China by sending them TylenolAgency says it will weaponize Benadryl next![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-364.png)Duffel BlogRed Friday![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/1000w-1000x667-1.webp)](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-destabilizes-china-by-sending-them-tylenol/) [Autocorrect Fail Leads To CIA Waterboarding In SemenIn an Edward Snowden file recently decrypted by China, secret documents reveal that CIA agents accidentally waterboarded a pair of terror suspects in human semen, intelligence sources say.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-365.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/Aerial_view_of_CIA_headquarters-_Langley-_Virginia_14760v-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/autocorrect-fail-leads-cia-waterboarding-semen/) ### Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-saves-billions-by-using-green-screen-pretending-to-invade-countries/ Last updated: 2026-02-11T13:00:12.000Z THE PENTAGON — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/) has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed today. “We’re already spending a lot of time and money conducting operations and then saying we accomplished our objectives even though we didn’t,” Hegseth told reporters. “So if we’re going to lie about the results anyway, it just makes sense to lie about the operations too.” During a [Pentagon press conference](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-spokesmen/), Hegseth unveiled a slick video montage depicting American troops [storming Greenland](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster/), bombing [multiple Iranian cities](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-secures-pepsi-sponsorship-deal/), and engaging [leftist guerrilla soccer moms](https://www.thenation.com/article/activism/angie-vargas-ice-chaser-los-angeles/?ref=duffelblog.com) in urban combat across Chicago. According to officials, [an invasion of China](https://www.duffelblog.com/china-builds-island-in-pearl-harbor/) titled “Operation Sideways” is currently in post-production and awaiting final notes from the White House. “As you can see, this represents an incredible savings to the American taxpayer,” Hegseth said while scrubbing through footage clearly labeled “DESERT\_CITY\_FINAL\_v7\_REALTHISONE.mov.” “And the results are about the same. But don’t worry — we [used live ammunition for realism](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-announces-pre-deployment-training-take-place-detroit-chicago/), so people still died for no reason.” Foreign policy experts noted that the United States merely pretending to [influence foreign countries](https://www.duffelblog.com/psyop-authorized-to-wear-new-tin-foil-berets/) may actually lead to better outcomes. “Iran, Iraq, [Vietnam](https://www.duffelblog.com/vietnam-veterans-outraged-over-navy-christening-of-uss-jane-fonda/), most of South America — imagine if we had just left them alone,” said David Krunp, a senior fellow at an institute you’ve never heard of but sounds important. “Everyone would be better off. The same applies now. The people in charge are as smart as a bag of rocks and have the attention span of toddlers. Let them play war on a soundstage while adults handle reality.” Pentagon officials confirmed that the projected savings from reduced operations do not currently appear [in the defense budget](https://www.duffelblog.com/budget-cuts-dont-affect-massive-first-cav-patch-size/), though an identical sum was reportedly transferred to an offshore account belonging to someone named 'Hete Pegseth.' [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/01/SURVEY-1.png) [****Take the survey**](https://forms.gle/mCNjHtis9ZcXpJD69?ref=duffelblog.com)****:** What’s most affecting retention right now? 1\. Pay that doesn’t survive contact with rent 2\. Leadership that learned nothing from the last survey 3\. Housing that inspectors agree is “acceptable” 4\. Being treated like a child with a clearance [Let us know ](https://forms.gle/uGy8m6iu9mZuUqMy6?ref=duffelblog.com) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/02/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Psychological Operations Debuts New ‘Longest Tab’The tab, to be placed on the upper left sleeve of any military uniform, can be worn by any service member that ever held the 37-series designation![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-358.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/USACAPOC-Patch-3-600x600-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/psyops-longest-tab/) [Absolute psycho brought everything on the packing listHopefully someone packed a straitjacket.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-359.png)Duffel BlogCobra Commander![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/231b6920-b3c2-45f7-b627-a62436330490_600x375.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/absolute-psycho-brought-everything/) [Pentagon says vaccinated troops no longer have to wear masks while throwing up in an UberFinally a return to normalcy.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-360.png)Duffel BlogCat Astronaut![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/3320604f-13c6-4842-a1e1-4d87acf90bba_600x375.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-says-vaccinated-troops-no/) [Army Spends $100 Million On Equipment That Does NothingAfter extensive research and development, the Army announced today it would field a new piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-361.png)Duffel BlogSgt B![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/860x394-1-3.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-spends-100m-on-piece-of-equipment-that-doesnt-do-anything/) [Budget-crunched Pentagon introduces 549-cordEvery penny counts.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-362.png)Duffel BlogCobra Commander![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/eef43c58-ca6b-4049-93b6-99bff5effa9c_904x600.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/budget-crunched-pentagon-introduces/) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/02/star-div.png) ### Comic Sans named official font of Department of War URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/comic-sans-named-official-font-of-department-of-war/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:18:19.000Z Pentagon says change will improve lethality, readability, and morale _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Marine almost went finance but ‘would have punched a managing director’ URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-almost-went-finance-but-would-have-punched-a-managing-director/ Last updated: 2026-02-06T18:23:52.000Z "I almost got my MBA. Totally wanted to. But my dad wanted me to kill the enemies of America.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### ICE recruiters complain not enough candidates fail the ASVAB URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-recruiters-complain-not-enough-candidates-fail-the-asvab/ Last updated: 2026-02-04T13:00:31.000Z WASHINGTON — Officials with [Immigration and Customs Enforcement](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters/) are warning of a looming recruiting crisis after discovering that not enough Americans are [failing the ASVAB](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-33-asvab-apparently-smart-enough-suicide-watch-battle-buddy/), sources confirmed today. “ICE desperately needs more recruits who cannot pass this very simple diagnostic test,” said Todd M. Lyons, the agency’s acting director, during a press conference at the Washington Field Office. The [Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-33-asvab-apparently-smart-enough-suicide-watch-battle-buddy/), or ASVAB, is a standardized test used by the U.S. military to assess aptitude for service and job placement. “The simple truth is that not enough young dummies are scoring poorly in areas like arithmetic reasoning, word knowledge, and mechanical comprehension,” Lyons said. “That presents a serious manpower challenge for an organization like ICE, which depends on those exact deficiencies.” According to the ICE Management and Administration Directorate, the number of applicants who completely bomb the test — a non-negotiable prerequisite for [ICE service](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) — has fallen to historic lows. “The number of young dipshits — our preferred demographic — who are [disqualified from military service](https://www.duffelblog.com/halfway-heroes-near-veterans-seek-recognition-for-almost-serving-in-military/) is becoming vanishingly small,” said Executive Associate Director Susan C. Dunbar. “It’s a real problem for us, since we are the preeminent federal agency staffed almost entirely by boneheads.” ICE officials say too many potential recruits are now scoring well enough to qualify for what the agency calls ‘[genius-level military jobs](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-incel-to-intel-recruiting-campaign/), relative to ICE.’ “Kids are taking jobs like [Army infantryman](https://www.duffelblog.com/historic-first-female-infantry-private-marries-male-stripper-in-killeen-tx/) or [Marine wall-licker](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-improve-cyber-skills-with-microchip-eating-contest/), which leaves the cupboard pretty bare for us,” said Dunbar. In response, ICE has begun exploring aggressive, [outside-the-box recruiting](https://www.duffelblog.com/recruiter-nervously-watching-economy/) solutions. “We’re developing a pre-course before the Enforcement Academy,” Lyons said. “Recruits will be trained on how to disable critical thinking, suppress pattern recognition, and confidently misunderstand basic facts. We’ll also cover how to embarrass the United States internationally and [drag down a sitting president’s approval rating.](https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2026/01/29/confidence-in-trump-dips-and-fewer-now-say-they-support-his-policies-and-plans/?ref=duffelblog.com)” These actions show that ICE is not taking things lying down, which is what [Alex Pretti](https://www.duffelblog.com/vet-t-shirt-company-releases-shall-be-infringed-line/) was doing when they shot him ten times. The agency is also rolling out a proposed ‘[racism waiver,](https://www.duffelblog.com/sergeant-described-peers-playfully-racist-actually-extremely-racist/)’ allowing applicants who score too well on the ASVAB to remain eligible if they can demonstrate sufficient ideological commitment to prejudice. “That was Miller’s idea,” Lyons said, referencing [Stephen Miller](https://www.duffelblog.com/stephen-miller-calls-ice-on-commissary-baggers-for-asking-him-to-tip/), [a level-150 racist](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/nov/14/stephen-miller-leaked-emails-white-nationalism-trump?ref=duffelblog.com) serving in the White House. Despite the challenges, ICE leadership remains optimistic. “We know that with enough grit and determination, we can still unlock this nation’s incompetence,” Dunbar said, moments before walking directly into a locked glass door. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Cobra Commander** *’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/01/SURVEY-1.png) [****Take the survey**](https://forms.gle/mCNjHtis9ZcXpJD69?ref=duffelblog.com)****:** Is the military preparing for the right war? 1\. Yes 2\. No 3\. They're preparing for the last one 4\. They're preparing for budget hearings and PowerPoint [Let us know ](https://forms.gle/eVrG3XM2ACvypSgt6?ref=duffelblog.com) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Guy who almost joined military now enjoying career as ICE agentHe may still join the military, but only after his mom gets back from Bingo.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-336.png)Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/54843751096_2b16c76bee_k-2.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-who-almost-joined-military-now-enjoying-career-as-ice-agent/) [Project 2025 to cut veteransGOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-337.png)Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/558b3f7f-e46a-451e-9acf-1fab57a8eaef_3000x2000-3.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/project-2025-to-cut-veterans/) [‘Near Veterans’ Seek Recognition For Almost Serving In MilitaryVeterans often find it difficult to relate their experiences to friends and family, but a new organization is working to expand that brotherhood.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-338.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1685389207574-038a9c0bb5a0-1)](https://www.duffelblog.com/halfway-heroes-near-veterans-seek-recognition-for-almost-serving-in-military/) [ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine CorpsCommandant vows swift justice, new Sergeant Major by close of business![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-339.png)Duffel BlogDark Laughter![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/75519daa-76cc-4a6a-bf79-50544c06a009_1200x800-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) [Marine Commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be nowCommandant confirms it’s not temporary dysfunction—it’s the mission.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-340.png)Duffel BlogRed Friday![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/2789f1af-bbf0-4761-a7f4-4e22f48c7f44_4078x2294.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-commandant-realizes-this-is/) ### Navy admits it’s been making up enlisted ranks this whole time URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-admits-it-been-making-up-enlisted-rank-this-whole-time-2/ Last updated: 2026-02-03T02:38:07.000Z Service says prank began as jab at George Washington and ‘just got out of hand’ _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Opinion: My 'come and take them' tattoo was about my rights, not guns URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-my-come-and-take-them-tattoo-was-about-my-rights-not-guns/ Last updated: 2026-01-30T16:40:18.000Z Also, some rights matter more than others, and I trust law enforcement to decide which _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Vet T-shirt company releases ‘shall be infringed’ line URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/vet-t-shirt-company-releases-shall-be-infringed-line/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T06:01:05.000Z AUSTIN, Texas — Penetrating Lead, [a T-shirt company catering to the vetbro community](https://www.duffelblog.com/grunt-style-shirts/), has unveiled a new line of “Shall Be Infringed” shirts, sources confirmed today. The new shirts, which retail for $24.99 plus shipping, handling, and a [quiet erosion of principles](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-blasts-fbi-overreach-after/), feature illustrations of men kneeling and presenting their firearms beneath the phrase “Shall Be Infringed.” The apparel marks a departure from Penetrating Lead’s standard designs, which typically include no fewer than 37 American flags, rattlesnakes, or slogans such as “[COMMUNISM](https://www.duffelblog.com/communist-west-pointer-receives-lateral-commission-into-russian-ground-forces/) IS FOR PUSSIES” emblazoned across the back. Other popular designs read “I didn’t go to Harvard,[ I went to IRAQ](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraqi-freedom-reunion/),” as if there were any doubt the wearer didn't go to Harvard. “It’s important we stay current,” said Penetrating Lead CEO Jake “Pounder” Ponder. “Since our customers are true free thinking Americans — independent men whose political opinions are updated daily based [on whatever the president just said.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-affirms-support-for-troops-so-long-as-they-dont-get-captured-tortured-elected-senator-killed-b/) Other newly released shirts include such phrases as, “[Please take it, daddy](https://www.newsweek.com/kash-patel-sparks-fury-from-gun-rights-groups-over-alex-pretti-remarks-11415842?ref=duffelblog.com),” “Kick in my door, [kidnap my family](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/jan/21/ice-arrests-five-year-old-boy-minnesota?ref=duffelblog.com),” and “[Shoot here, masked officer](https://www.reddit.com/r/Minneapolis/comments/1qlyj9h/i%5Fdid%5Fmy%5Fbest%5Fto%5Fstabilize%5Fthe%5Fvideo%5Fyou%5Fcan/?ref=duffelblog.com),” each printed over a regulation-size bullseye. Many customers expressed excitement about the new line. “I used to support the [Second Amendment for white people](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing%5Fof%5FPhilando%5FCastile?ref=duffelblog.com), and, you know, the good ones,” said Herbert “[Pussy Magnet](https://www.duffelblog.com/in-wake-of-sex-scandals-air-force-dismantles-fleet-of-pussy-wagon-recruiting-vehicles/)” Johnson. “But now that the [federal government](https://www.duffelblog.com/fifth-estate-wikileaks-film/) — a trustworthy and never-abusive organization — says otherwise, I’m okay with that.” “I’ve been screaming for years about how the federal government was [going to come take our guns](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-drawing-up-plans-for-nation-wide-gun-confiscations/),” Cade “Blockade” Albert said. “But I was wrong. They’re going to tell us we can’t have them and I’ll be happy to hand mine over.” Penetrating Lead is also planning additional designs openly opposed to the Bill of Rights, including “I won’t use my freedom to speak,” “Choke me to death in prison,” and “If he didn’t want to be arrested, he shouldn’t have [been five years old](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/ice-deported-3-children-who-are-u-s-citizens-their-families-lawyers-say?ref=duffelblog.com),” which the company expects to be top sellers. At press time, [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-attends-army-navy-game-in-full-pads/) was spotted wearing one of Penetrating Lead’s “I’m on my [knees for you, Mr. Policeman](https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-who-almost-joined-military-now-enjoying-career-as-ice-agent/)” shirts on the way to a botox appointment. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/01/SURVEY.png) [****Take the survey**](https://forms.gle/mCNjHtis9ZcXpJD69?ref=duffelblog.com)****:** Which phrase should be banned from military emails? 1\. "Per my last email" 2\. "Circle back" 3\. "Warrior Ethos" 4\. "V/R" 5\. "All of the above" [Let us know ](https://forms.gle/mCNjHtis9ZcXpJD69?ref=duffelblog.com) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Opinion: I support the troops 100% as long as they agree 100% with my political viewsBy Doug Abernathy![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-324.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1612018883322-f9b7fd468dad-4)](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-support-troops-100-long-agree-100-political-views/) [Patriotic soldier loves America so much he’s plotting to overthrow it“The Founding Fathers didn’t have Twitter, but if they did, they’d be tweeting exactly what I’m thinking.”![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-326.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/597859c3-0569-41cf-91f7-f57095f1f712_800x533.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/patriotic-soldier-loves-america-so/) [TRUE PATRIOT! Local veteran supports whatever random thing Trump is doing in Middle East right nowNow THAT is a patriot! Unlike shiftless Democrats, Anders has stuck by President Trump through thick and thin.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-325.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1529787730-bdcabd22a644)](https://www.duffelblog.com/true-patriot-local-veteran-supports-whatever-random-thing-trump-is-doing-in-middle-east-right-now/) [8 Grunt Style T-shirts that scream ‘I can’t move on’There’s one for every professional veteran.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-327.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/044dcb48-15a0-4147-a1b4-23106fea8711_1200x715.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/grunt-style-shirts/) [Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirtPete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-328.png)Duffel BlogTask Force Football Bat![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/Screenshot-2025-09-08-at-2.09.46---PM.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/inside-the-race-to-design-the-douchiest-department-of-war-t-shirt/) ### Chief’s ‘sea stories’ include at least 4 felonies URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/chiefs-sea-stories-include-at-least-4-felonies/ Last updated: 2026-01-26T13:00:17.000Z SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Navy Information Systems Technician Chief Toby “Tobasco” McElhenny has been in the Navy for over 14 years, and in that time has accumulated plenty of résumé-friendly accomplishments: meeting three former presidents, visiting six continents, mentoring [countless division officers](https://www.duffelblog.com/mustachioed-navy-officer-obsessed/), and being named [Sailor of the Year twice](https://www.duffelblog.com/corpsman-with-stellar-performance-record-great-tits-named-sailor-of-the-year/). But McElhenny rarely mentions any of that. Instead, the chief prefers to regale junior sailors with [port-call stories and sea tales](https://www.duffelblog.com/drunk-navy-seabee-liberty/) that routinely implicate him and several others in federal felonies and international crimes. “One time, we stuffed a J-girl in my buddy’s sea bag, kept her tucked away for about a month, and then dropped her off [in the Philippines](https://www.duffelblog.com/sailor-knocked-filipina-girlfriend-suddenly-anti-immigration/) with just a few pesos pinned to her collar,” McElhenny said, laughing while recalling one deployment. “Good times. Old-time Navy. Can’t do that now.” McElhenny was referring to a 2016 deployment to Seventh Fleet, a Pacific cruise that appears to implicate him in [human trafficking](https://www.duffelblog.com/sailor-who-missed-mandatory-training-becomes-drug-dealing-sex-trafficking-spy-for-russia/), kidnapping, aggravated assault, [and possibly murder](https://www.duffelblog.com/progress-transgender-marine-murders-straight-filipina-prostitute/). The woman’s age, condition, and continued existence remain unclear. Despite this, sailors frequently approach McElhenny to hear his colorful stories and “learn more about the Navy.” One junior sailor, IT3 Cameron Civilotti, said he enjoys listening to the chief but has questions about the accuracy of the tales. “[Prostitution is illegal](https://www.duffelblog.com/hagel-sharp-prostitution-ring/), so I really hope he’s joking about picking up hookers in Phuket,” Civilotti said. “And I *really* hope he was kidding when he said he accidentally ran over an old Greek woman in Souda Bay.” Civilotti’s naïveté appears to amuse McElhenny, who insists that all of his stories are completely true. Civilotti, however, remains unconvinced. “Chief cracks me up,” Civilotti said. “But if he did even half of what he talks about, I feel like I should call the police. [Or the U.N.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/united-nations-loves-the-taliban/) Civilotti added, frantically Googling on his phone, “Is it too late to report something to Interpol?” McElhenny maintains that his stories are verifiable but denies any wrongdoing, citing his multiple deployments and decorated service record as evidence of his moral character. “I’ve deployed nine times in 14 years, so sue me if I want a little butter on my buns when we pull into port,” McElhenny said while taking his daily dose of [Valtrex](https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/valacyclovir-oral-route/description/drg-20066635?ref=duffelblog.com). “I don’t think that makes me the bad guy for wanting a little fun while defending [freedom and democracy](https://www.duffelblog.com/experts-agree-the-sound-of-freedom/) around the world.” Civilotti said he is also disturbed by some of the less sensational stories McElhenny tells. “Chief Tobasco once walked me through how easy it is to [hack ATMs](https://www.justice.gov/usao-ndny/pr/six-men-indicted-connection-atm-jackpotting-conspiracy?ref=duffelblog.com) in Singapore,” Civilotti recalled. “Which I’m pretty sure is a serious cybercrime, but surely a senior enlisted member of the U.S. Navy wouldn’t [break the law](https://www.duffelblog.com/barracks-lawyer-passes-barracks-bar/) that casually. Right?” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Gray Sea Liu** *is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [US Navy commissions first openly-straight officer“We are very proud of this milestone,” said Adm. Lisa Francetti.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-256.png)Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/8e396a70-9978-425f-bbd4-1cd7f7b8b1e5_4209x2400.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-navy-commissions-first-openly/) [Navy kicks off ‘Incel to Intel’ recruiting campaignThe service’s novel approach is to recruit technologically adept virgins into the intelligence community.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-257.png)Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/a1011b80-5e5f-4705-b30f-c41521ec8fb1_1200x800-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-incel-to-intel-recruiting-campaign/) [US Navy Adds Creative Writing Course To SEAL TrainingNavy officials are adding a grueling 40 hours of creative writing classes to the already intense selection program.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-258.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/8269920-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-navy-seal-training-writing-course/) [Mustachioed Navy officer, obsessed with Japan and toe shoes, still single somehowSo weird.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-259.png)Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/3fe8fde5-3d56-4486-93db-9facf88eef05_1500x844-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/mustachioed-navy-officer-obsessed/) [Navy Praises Blue Digital Uniforms After Two Sailors Lost At SeaSAN DIEGO, CA - In an announcement today at Naval Base San Diego, the commander of the US Pacific Fleet (COMPACFLT) remarked that he was extremely proud of the “versatility and usefulness of the Navy Working Uniform (NWU).” The uniform, which resembles the Marines’ desert and green colored digital MARPAT design, was introduced in 2008 amid controversy over its necessity for naval personnel.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-260.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/4549a13e-b3a3-4b63-93eb-dd81fe6906af_500x333-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-praises-blue-digital-uniforms-after-two-sailors-lost-at-sea/) ### Trump beats Danish prime minister to death with Nobel peace prize URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-beats-danish-prime-minister-to-death-with-nobel-peace-prize/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:08:03.000Z DAVOS, Switzerland — President [Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-adds-his-own-name-to-vietnam-memorial/) on Wednesday used his recently-acquired Nobel Peace Prize to bludgeon the prime minister of Denmark to death, sources confirmed today. The killing occurred during a highly contentious meeting over the fate of Greenland between dozens of world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, where the 79-year-old president reportedly lunged at [Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen](https://www.euronews.com/my-europe/2026/01/20/trump-doubles-down-on-greenland-annexation-as-europe-struggles-to-coordinate-a-response?ref=duffelblog.com) and struck her repeatedly with a framed Peace Prize Trump had received earlier as a gift from Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado. “I’m getting Greenland, one way or the other,” Trump said while delivering sustained and methodical blows, bloodying the award typically granted “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations” over the past year. Indeed, Trump has worked tirelessly since his inauguration to bring much of the world together by uniting them in [shared anger at the United States.](https://www.duffelblog.com/in-rare-bipartisan-moment-congress-funds-monument-to-all-the-allies-it-s-screwed-over/) “I’m done thinking [purely of peace](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2026/01/19/trump-letter-norway-nobel-peace-greenland/88251326007/?ref=duffelblog.com),” Trump added, momentarily pausing to wipe blood from the frame with his tie and checking his reflection in the shattered glass before continuing. The unprecedented murder of a world leader at the hands of another followed weeks of Trump threatening to use military force to take “complete and total control of Greenland.” According to White House sources, the president views ownership of the island as strategically essential, aesthetically pleasing, and extremely helpful in [distracting from the Epstein files.](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files/) "See? I promised I wouldn't use military force," Trump said as he caught his breath. "Tell Rubio that I just stopped another war. [Add it to the list](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c5y3599gx4qo?ref=duffelblog.com)." In the immediate aftermath, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent urged stunned European leaders to remain calm. “Sit back, take a deep breath, do not retaliate, [do not retaliate](https://www.theguardian.com/business/2026/jan/20/scott-bessent-europe-trump-greenland-tariff-us-wef-davos?ref=duffelblog.com),” Bessent said, while aides quietly removed shards of glass and wood fragments from the floor. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Paul Sharpe** **is also done thinking purely of peace.* [W.E. Linde](https://www.duffelblog.com/author/w-e-linde/) contributed reporting. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Saudi crown prince gifts Trump solid gold bone sawKingdom’s sharp diplomatic gesture cuts through red tape and flesh![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-318.png)Duffel BlogW.E. Linde![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/098A7CE5-C5DE-41B4-8C2D-4F52DE7B7632-1-1.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-crown-prince-gifts-trump-solid-gold-bone-saw/) [Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOMDoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-319.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/spox-2.webp)](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-prioritize-eucom-indopacom-africom-centcom-southcom-northcom/) [Trump gets Greenland in blockbuster three-way trade with SpainTrade deadline shocker shakes up NATO division standings![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-320.png)Duffel BlogGrumpy![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/6ee93dcc-3524-40ed-b185-9f600eca11a8_1200x800.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster/) [Top 10 countries Trump will send you to attack rather than release the Epstein filesWhite House sources say ‘bombing foreigners’ remains preferred transparency substitute![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-321.png)Duffel BlogKay Too Ess Ohhhhh![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/55025521421_08ed4666ae_k.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files/) [CENTCOM Commander can’t believe it’s not his problem for onceGeneral Joseph Votel, head of Central Command (CENTCOM), was reportedly “stunned” and “more than a little relieved” when the attempted coup in Turkey on Friday happened outside of his Area of Responsibility.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-323.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/images.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/centcom-cant-believe-not-problem/) ### Fuck! You left your I.D. Card in your computer URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fuck-you-left-your-i-d-card-in-your-computer/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:57.000Z FORT RILEY, Kan. — Fuck! You left your [stupid I.D. card](https://www.duffelblog.com/veteran-id-tracking-devices/) in your stupid computer. Experts confirm this will now cost you the rest of your day. You’ll have to walk all the way back upstairs to get the damned thing out of your office. Oh great, [there’s the XO](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-xo-attempting-to-stamp-out-misuse-of-word-literally/). Don’t make eye contact. You made eye contact with him. He asks you about the [Command and Staff](https://www.duffelblog.com/command-and-staff-students-excited/) brief and whether you have time to “just refactor” a few of the slides. You are now walking in the opposite direction of your [I.D. card.](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-spouse-genitals-now-cac/) He wants the metrics displayed in a slightly different way that no one will notice, but which will almost certainly take several hours to change. According to Outlook — which the Army forced you to install on your phone — this was the only 20 minutes you had to get lunch today, and it’s rapidly evaporating. Not that you were terribly excited about getting a small Subway sandwich with grilled chicken. [Height and weight](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-adds-basically-6-feet-height-option-to-apache-flight-physical/) is in a few weeks and you’re trying to drop the last few pounds because the Secretary of War has decided your personal BMI is a matter of national security. Good gravy, [now S-1](https://www.duffelblog.com/nobody-admin-cares-new-guy-ran-diary-recon/) is asking you about overdue OERs. Can’t you just get a sandwich? Can’t you just get one sandwich without the United States Army falling apart? You lie and say the [OERs](https://www.duffelblog.com/ncoer-facebook-bullet/) are “up at HQDA,” buying yourself a little time. A problem for later. You tell yourself that a lot. The food court line won’t be that bad. You can still make it back before the [training meeting.](https://www.duffelblog.com/operation-meeting-saved-round/) You’ll just have to drive a little faster than usual, which is fine, because consequences are theoretical. Wait. Why is the water buffalo in the company lot? [That water buffalo](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-garrison-admits-poison-supply/) is supposed to be at Range 7\. Why is it here? You ask Staff Sgt. Dylan Jones what’s going on. “Sir, we never got this water buffalo certified,” he reports. You remember, dimly, that water buffalos require certification. You ask what they’re doing for water at Range 7. “We filled up some water cans that said non-potable on them,” Staff Sgt. Jones says. “So the Joes are good.” Your eye starts to twitch. Staff Sgt. Jones, now apparently an expert in water buffalo certification, does not appear to know what “non-potable” means. You wish you hadn’t promised your wife you’d stop dipping. Also, it’s her birthday next week. Another problem for later. You drive like a madman to the PX and grab cases of bottled water for Range 7\. No personally owned vehicles on the range, so you’ll have to coordinate a JLTV or something. Your arms ache as you stand in line, questioning every decision you’ve ever made. The cashier asks for your I.D. card before you can pay. Fuck. You left your I.D. card in [your computer.](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-upgrades-computers-to-windows-95/) [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Cobra Commander** *’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [BREAKING: The Truck Carrying Your Household Goods Just Drove Off A Cliffhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_4jMLR4c71s![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-266.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1614359835514-92f8ba196357)](https://www.duffelblog.com/breaking-truck-carrying-your-household-goods-just-drove-off-a-cliff/) [Outgoing Commander: ‘I Still Hate You All’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwiKBFyYBGQ&t=3s The following address was delivered by Capt. Vince Williams at his Headquarters Company change of command ceremony. Good morning everyone. I won’t start with our battalion motto because the very sound of it makes my stomach curdle and my jaw clench with an unholy rage.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-267.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/f36745bb-952b-46d2-ace2-1fde336ccf22_639x400-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/outgoing-hhc-commander-still-hates-you-all/) [Military websites undergo annual update to make them worse“We’re working hard to make the SIPR sites you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable,” an official said.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-268.png)Duffel BlogRed Friday![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/1000w-1000x667.webp)](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-websites-undergo-annual-update-to-make-them-worse/) [US accidentally re-invades IraqTroops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-269.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/0f4bab29-c0fa-4c02-915a-2eabbb903105_6269x4179-2.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-accidentally-re-invades-iraq/) [Army establishes Virtue Signal CorpsThe operational support branch is responsible for self-righteous, performative displays of arbitrary moral superiority across all domains of warfare.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-270.png)Duffel BlogRoger Wilco![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/3b384bca-5bd7-474e-a233-09913bfbb74c_1500x1500.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-establishes-virtue-signal-corps/) ### Senior service college initiates new curriculum in strategic gaslighting URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/senior-service-college-initiates-new-curriculum-in-strategic-gaslighting/ Last updated: 2026-01-19T13:00:20.000Z Course promises senior leaders ‘complete narrative dominance’ and zero accountability _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Report: Venezuela strike ordered after Maduro ‘failed weight standards’ URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/venezuela-strike-tied-to-maduro-failing-weight-standards/ Last updated: 2026-03-09T21:36:21.000Z PALM BEACH, Fla. – Sources say the decision to launch a daring predawn [raid to capture Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cdred61epg4o?ref=duffelblog.com) was tied to something the Secretary of Defense holds near and dear to his heart: [height and weight standards.](https://www.duffelblog.com/weight-loss-guru-teaches-marines-how-to-quickly-make-weight/) “I am fucking tired of looking out across the globe and seeing [fat dictators and world leaders](https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5528556-hegseth-warrior-ethos-physical-fitness/?ref=duffelblog.com)!” Hegseth reportedly screamed during a meeting with several general officers. “It’s unbecoming. It’s unprofessional. Do presidents and prime ministers even know what a [comprehensive physical fitness plan](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-army-fitness-test-measures-how-much-pain-you-can-endure-over-20-years/) is? This is why the world is so goddamned unstable — a lack of standards!” At 6 feet, 2 inches, the 63-year-old Maduro recently tipped the scales at 220 pounds, according to classified intelligence reporting. While the Latin American strongman is not required to [meet U.S. Army standards](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-standardizes-thinking-outside-the-box-procedures/) — which cap a 74-inch male over 40 at 214 pounds — the discrepancy had become a fixation for Hegseth. “Two hundred and twenty fucking pounds!” Hegseth reportedly shouted after reviewing [CIA](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-destabilizes-china-by-sending-them-tylenol/) pattern-of-life reports and updated biometric data. “That’s not leadership. That’s a profile.” “I haven’t seen the secretary lose it like that since he saw a [Sikh chaplain in uniform](https://www.duffelblog.com/media-excited-to-report-sikh-temple-mass-shooter-was-in-military/)," said one Pentagon staffer. “Even after learning the chaplain was in regs, he just wandered off muttering, ‘Fucking Hajji [beardos](https://www.axios.com/2025/10/02/hegseths-military-beards-religious-health-concerns?ref=duffelblog.com)…’” Shortly after the meeting, Hegseth requested an audience with President Donald Trump and urged the commander in chief to green-light [Operation Absolute Resolve](https://www.duffelblog.com/5-reasons-this-war-for-oil-will-be-better-than-the-last-war-for-oil-and-the-one-before-that/) immediately. Witnesses say Hegseth was later observed watching the live drone feed during the [January 3, 2026 raid](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cia-venezuela/), smirking and repeatedly whispering, “FAFO, you fat fuck. FAFO…” According to senior defense officials, Hegseth’s push for world leader weight standards reportedly informed his support for the pardon of former Honduran president [Juan Orlando Hernández](https://thehill.com/opinion/lindseys-lens/5675203-trump-contradictory-drug-policy/?ref=duffelblog.com) after learning the convicted narco-trafficker had dropped significant weight and improved his run times while incarcerated. The secretary has also cited [Osama bin Laden’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/bin-ladens-body-tastes-awful-reports-barracuda/) decade-long evasion of capture in multiple briefings as proof that “low body fat equals high survivability,” a phrase several officers confirmed now appears on at least one [official PowerPoint slide](https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-accomplished-soldier-screws-up-power-point-slide-ends-war-afghanistan/). [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***P.J. O’Leary** *is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at @pjolearycomedy* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Morbidly obese major has really squared away haircutPromote ahead of peers![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-312.png)Duffel BlogBad Lawyer![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/782a8377-9e20-4ac8-8cfa-14c28cffddaf_600x375.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/morbidly-obese-major-has-really-squared/) [Navy Combat Fatness Test starts soon for chiefs and super chiefsThe Army may have a new physical fitness test, but the Navy has countered with a new Combat Fatness Test.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-313.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/fb529f9d-8d2d-46ae-a33a-eaa3446f8001_360x180.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-combat-fatness-test-starts-soon-for-chiefs-and-super-chiefs/) [Point/Counterpoint: Women In KombatThe following is a debate between Special Forces officer Sonya Blade and Shotokan ice-manipulator Sub-Zero on allowing women to serve in Mortal Kombat units.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-315.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1628547432830-a320989519db-1.jpeg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/women-in-mortal-kombat/) [DOD Announces new SitBit Activity Tracker for Staff OfficersThe Pentagon will equip all staff officers at or above battalion level with wristwatch-sized SitBit inactivity trackers.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-316.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1510017803434-a899398421b3)](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-announces-sitbit-tracker-for-staff/) [DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: The Platoon Sergeant’s guide to dealing with LieutenantsAre you a Platoon Sergeant struggling to deal with a pesky young lieutenant?![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-317.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/62276fb9-0bbc-4200-8d4e-d1c2a6bff316_750x430-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-platoon-sergeants-guide-to-dealing-with-lieutenants/) ### Top 10 countries Trump will send you to attack rather than release the Epstein files URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files/ Last updated: 2026-01-14T13:00:56.000Z White House sources say ‘bombing foreigners’ remains preferred transparency substitute _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Nicolás Maduro to return in Avengers: Doomsday URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/nicolas-maduro-to-return-in-avengers-doomsday/ Last updated: 2026-05-06T20:46:02.000Z NEW YORK — Sources confirmed Friday that former Venezuelan “president” and overall [central-casting villain Nicolás Maduro](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-offers-maduro-pardon-for-three-kilos-of-cocaine/) will return in the forthcoming *Avengers: Doomsday* in 2026, despite his current predicament and lack of superpowers. “I’m seeing this as the story of the ultimate anti-hero,” said Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige. “We brought back Robert Downey Jr. in a way that technically makes sense if you don’t think about it too hard. This doesn’t feel like much of a stretch.” *Doomsday* directors Anthony and Joe Russo were careful not to spoil too much of the subplot surrounding Maduro’s escape from U.S. custody, though Joe Russo confirmed the character’s arc was driven less by geopolitics and more by vibes. “Sure, his regime was [tied to Hezbollah and Hamas](https://abcnews.go.com/International/maduro-ally-linked-hezbollah-hamas-charged-narco-terrorism/story?id=70914878&ref=duffelblog.com), engaged in narcotrafficking, and drove about a [quarter of the population](https://www.americasquarterly.org/article/the-future-of-venezuelas-diaspora/?ref=duffelblog.com) out of the country,” Russo said. “But that’s not really what the movie is about. This is about how it made him feel.” Russo added that Maduro’s kidnapping “gives him the emotional justification audiences crave when rooting for a villain.” Screenwriter Stephen McFeely said he was forced to scrap an early draft in which Maduro’s disappearance failed to meaningfully change [Venezuela’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) political trajectory. “If you think about it,” McFeely said, “a dictator is basically a movie director with a very wide landscape. Like [Peter Jackson in New Zealand](https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/15/world/asia/peter-jackson-new-zealand-wellington-mayor.html?ref=duffelblog.com), but with fewer elves and more food shortages. And *Tierra de Gracia* hasn’t had a good director since Hugo Chávez.” McFeely paused. “Wait — director, dictator — can we edit that out? Three, two, one. Venezuela must change dramatically or it undermines the emotional weight of Maduro’s return to power as a possible rival to Doom and eventual ruler of Latveria.” The Russo brothers confirmed the climactic third act will feature a confrontation between Doctor Doom and Maduro after the latter learns that the Red Skull [received a pardon.](https://www.duffelblog.com/pardoned-white-house-turkey-defects/) “Things take a turn for the worse,” McFeely said. “That’s when Maduro realizes the real villain was the extradition treaties we broke along the way.” Rumors also suggest *Doomsday* will feature an even larger villain revealed in the post-credits scene — a shadowy force that ignores all norms, rules, and basic decency, destabilizing the entire Marvel universe. “But that might be giving too much away,” Feige said, winking so hard several assistants flinched. Maduro, 63, was unavailable for comment at press time, though sources say his contract includes a solo Disney+ series titled Maduro: Endgame. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ****Tony** thinks Maduro is just one of the many villains we deserve. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Trump announces CIA op in Venezuela will go off without a hitch next weekPresident promises ‘best, most secret invasion ever — everybody knows it’![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-296.png)Duffel BlogRed Friday![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/DB-Story-Feature-Photo-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cia-venezuela/) [US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of ‘big booty Latinas’Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-297.png)Duffel BlogFat Ghenghis![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/Screenshot-2025-09-04-at-12.21.49---PM-1-4.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) [5 reasons this war for oil will be better than the last war for oil, and the one before thatAdministration says it has ‘learned valuable lessons’ and ‘stopped pretending’![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-298.png)Duffel BlogBull Winkle![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/9114431-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/5-reasons-this-war-for-oil-will-be-better-than-the-last-war-for-oil-and-the-one-before-that/) [NORTHCOM assures Canada new OPLAN Crimson just ‘fun thought experiment’“It’s just a fun little thought experiment for our planners to get some practice.”![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-299.png)Duffel BlogKay Too Ess Ohhhhh![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/79691276-e3d9-4991-9c81-c55d2f0ffe3d_3058x1720-2.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/northcom-assures-canada-new-oplan/) [Fans excited for final season of AfghanistanFans of Afghanistan, already America’s longest running drama, are excited for the premier of the final season of the conflict.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-300.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1635006304757-a02d75887177)](https://www.duffelblog.com/fans-excited-for-final-season-of-afghanistan/) ### Trump adds his own name to Vietnam memorial URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-adds-his-own-name-to-vietnam-memorial/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:57.000Z President says wall ‘needed a winner’ and ‘a little more gold’ _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 5 reasons this war for oil will be better than the last war for oil, and the one before that URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/5-reasons-this-war-for-oil-will-be-better-than-the-last-war-for-oil-and-the-one-before-that/ Last updated: 2026-01-07T13:00:30.000Z Administration says it has ‘learned valuable lessons’ and ‘stopped pretending’ _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Trump offers Maduro pardon for three kilos of cocaine URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-offers-maduro-pardon-for-three-kilos-of-cocaine/ Last updated: 2026-03-01T16:43:22.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has offered to pardon [Venezuelan strongman Nicolás Maduro](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) in exchange for three kilos of cocaine, sources confirmed today. “Look, just gimme the good stuff,” Trump was overheard pleading with the former dictator behind closed doors. “I can make all of this go away if you hand it over. You saw what I did for Hernández. Total walk. Beautiful outcome.” The president was referring to former [Honduran President Juan Orlando Hernández](https://www.cnbc.com/2026/01/04/trump-venezuela-maduro-pardon-honduras.html?ref=duffelblog.com), who was imprisoned on cocaine trafficking charges and recently pardoned by Trump after what aides described as ‘a very persuasive vibes-based review of the case.’ “MADURO HAS A CHANCE TO BE A TOTAL G INSTEAD OF A LITTLE BITCH!” Trump posted on Truth Social earlier today. “HE’S GOT THE STUFF THAT BRINGS GIRLS WITH PERKY TITTIES. HAND OVER [THE BAM-BAM](https://www.duffelblog.com/ptsd-hooker-cocaine-treatment/) AND YOU CAN BE MY BOY! I GOT THE GUY FROM KISS. LET’S PARTY. [VANCE CAN’T COME](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-honor-jd-vance-by-bronzing/), HE KILLS THE VIBE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! DJT.” Sources close to the administration say Trump has ordered his schedule cleared from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. nightly, asked whether the White House ballroom can hold “bitchin’ raves,” and requested that large, unmarked stacks of $100 bills be delivered to the residence. Meanwhile, [Secret Service agents](https://www.duffelblog.com/its-like-living-in-a-school-zone/) have reportedly heard “Cat Scratch Fever” playing on loop inside the Oval Office, while DoorDash drivers say they’ve noticed a sharp and deeply unsettling decline [in McDonald’s orders](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15430007/Trumps-jaw-dropping-McDonalds-order-goes-viral-amid-health-alarm.html?ref=duffelblog.com) from the White House. “Your facts are incorrect,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, responding to rumors that security made her wait in line at Mar-a-Lago while female Fox News hosts were waved inside. “There was some kind of mix-up. My name was on the list. No, I’m still—” Sources say Maduro was initially prepared to accept the deal, but negotiations collapsed after [Donald Trump Jr.](https://www.duffelblog.com/donald-trump-jrs-afghanistan-bounty-hunting-trip-draws-criticism/) informed his father of the current street value of three kilos of cocaine. Maduro reportedly countered with “a boatload” of cocaine, but the shipment was later [declared missing somewhere](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-strikes-narco-terrorist-sleigh-reindeer-off-venezuela-coast/) in the Caribbean. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed in Veneuela.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of ‘big booty Latinas’Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-240.png)Duffel BlogFat Ghenghis![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/Screenshot-2025-09-04-at-12.21.49---PM-1-2.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) [Trump blows cover on Venezuela op, crushes SEALs’ dreams of book deals“We trained our whole lives for this chapter,” sources say.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-241.png)Duffel BlogBull Winkle![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/7707057.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-blows-cover-on-venezuela-op-crushes-seals-dreams-of-book-deals/) [Navy SEAL Writes Tell-All Book About Delta Force RaidA US Navy SEAL has released a tell-all book detailing the daring raid into Syria last month by the Army’s highly secretive Delta Force.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-242.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/9129306-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-writes-tell-all-book-abu-sayyaf/) [CIA Asks Coast Guard For Its Cocaine BackAfter a dramatic Coast Guard operation this summer seized more than $1 billion in cocaine from illegal smuggling efforts, the Central Intelligence Agency is asking for it back, Duffel Blog has learned.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-244.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1620065692460-d8e110a47ffb.jpeg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/coast-guard-cocaine-seizure/) [Accountability! DoD IG fired over Hegseth Signal-gate reportSECDEF roots out deep state bureaucrats pushing radical left ideologies of law and ethics.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-243.png)Duffel BlogPaul Sharpe![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/9386278-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/) ### Military websites undergo annual update to make them worse URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/military-websites-undergo-annual-update-to-make-them-worse/ Last updated: 2026-08-10T17:33:25.000Z FT. MEADE, Md. — Across the Department of Defense this week, functional military websites will be undergoing their annual update to make them worse, sources confirmed today. “Our websites and cyber infrastructure are at a point where they work and you can use them to do your job,” Lt. Gen. William J. Hartman, acting commander of [U.S. Cyber Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/cyber-commander-stands-up-task-force/), told reporters. “This cannot stand. I’ve directed all available resources to change this as soon as possible.” Planned improvements include broken links, images that don’t load, and outdated information. Officials are also hailing the implementation of groundbreaking [seven-factor authentication](https://www.duffelblog.com/general-nakasone-loses-sticky-note-with-cyber-command-master-password/) to verify that users are not only human but also actively weeping. “It may seem like a lot,” Hartman said, “But we must ensure that only authorized users are accessing our system to check the hours of the base gym.” Other updates include requiring a [thirty-seven character password](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-to-require-passwords-using-27-different-letters-minimum/) that must be changed every 21 days for a system that the average service member uses once a year. If the service member’s password expires, their account will be deleted and they will have to fill out nine access request forms signed in triplicate to regain access. “We’re working hard to make the [SIPR sites](https://www.duffelblog.com/pornhub-opens-first-sipr-website/) you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable,” Hartman said. “Rest assured you can spend hours trying to figure out the site layout and give up before finding any worthwhile information.” “We’re doing the best we can,” Jacob Ellis, the seven-year old hired to run the Pentagon's cyber infrastructure, said before adding: “I like the computer with the picture of the choo choo.” Ellis was given a popsicle for setting up a website that transfers credit card numbers over an unencrypted connection. At press time, Hartman confirmed that all systems were up. “But don’t worry,” he said, “The moment you need them they’ll crash.” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Pentagon strikes 'narco-terrorist' sleigh, reindeer off Venezuela coast URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-strikes-narco-terrorist-sleigh-reindeer-off-venezuela-coast/ Last updated: 2025-12-25T13:00:56.000Z WASHINGTON — A U.S. drone-launched missile strike has eliminated a notorious flying ["narco-terrorist"](https://www.lawfaremedia.org/article/did-the-president-s-strike-on-tren-de-aragua-violate-the-law?ref=duffelblog.com) responsible for millions of annual home invasions dating back to the nineteenth century, sources confirmed today. Navy pilots assigned to Joint Task Force Hammer — and Everything Looks Like a Nail (JTFH-ELLN) positively identified the “narco kingpin” as he flew an unregistered aerial sleigh powered by eight reindeer, repeatedly violating [Venezuelan airspace](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) on the night of December 24 to 25, according to Tyler Dobey, spokesman for the Department of War on Anything the President Wants. The kingpin, aided by assistants described as “tiny, almost elfin,” was accused of forcing deadly narcotics disguised as wrapped packages into residences while occupants remained asleep. “After identifying the terrorist activity with the same rock-solid intelligence process we used to nail [WMDs in Iraq](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraq-war-hoax/), we blew that narco sled to smithereens with an airburst GBU-69,” said Dobey, who recently began shaving, noting that the munition is commonly used in counter-narcotics strikes and is designed to destroy vehicles or structures. “Turns out it works just as well on sleighs.” Dobey placed responsibility for the strike squarely on the sleigh’s operator for violating Venezuelan airspace that the administration closed in November. “The sleigh had no identification transponder, was actively avoiding detection, and was in the process of landing on a rooftop when we hit it,” Dobey said. “Classic holiday terrorism indicators. So [Merry Christmas](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-authorizes-war-on-christmas/), and you’re welcome to all the families we saved with this bold, legally flawless and morally uncomplicated strike.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/12/05871004-6ef2-4b0c-8cf7-c67051c5f1c1.png) A still image from the drone feed showing the moment after the strike, shared on Truth Social by President Trump. While boarding Air Force One for his annual trip to [Mount Crumpit](https://seuss.fandom.com/wiki/Mount%5FCrumpit?ref=duffelblog.com), President Donald Trump praised the operation. “We did the striking boom bomb thing on a red-suited terrorist, very suspicious guy, clearly a communist,” Trump said. “Some people are calling me by the beautiful name ‘Sleigh Slayer.’ Biden never stopped the guy. Biggest sleigh in the world, total boom. Now my guy Pete Hegseth can mount the antlers of eight tiny reindeer on his wall. Did you know he’s been [sober for ten whole minutes?](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-vows-to-implement-new-dont/) Tremendous.” Reached for comment outside the Pentagon Fitness Center after his third workout of the day, Defense Secretary [Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/) said he watched the strike by video feed before departing for one of the many Pentagon meetings that occur exclusively at night. “I’m proud of [the drone pilot](https://www.duffelblog.com/drone-pilot-to-receive-first-air-force-medal-of-honor-since-vietnam/) who shot down eight reindeer in flight,” Hegseth said. “That pilot — and I’m sure it was a guy — embodies the Warrior Ethos and is America’s first confirmed reindeer ace.” Defense officials acknowledged the possibility that the JTFH-ELLN commander ordered a second “double-tap” strike after video footage showed two green-suited assistants surviving the initial blast, clinging to the rails of the capsized sleigh. “The history of these terrorists shows they would not have stopped until every package was delivered,” said one official speaking on condition of anonymity. “With those green suits and jingle bells on their caps, they could have blended into the jungle or easily signaled for help.” Administration officials confirmed they are now closely monitoring the hamlet of Who-Ville [in northern Venezuela](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cia-venezuela/), where an entire village is believed to participate in narcotics distribution disguised as gift-giving rituals described in intelligence reports as “a psychedelic orgy of giddiness that is definitely [drug-fueled.](https://www.duffelblog.com/combat-veteran-re-enlists-to-fight-24-02-12/)” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Bull Winkle** **is a writer and certified phrenologist, and available to make your next wedding, birthday or unnecessary war super fun.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [CIA reveals Santa was killed in Cambodian airspace in 1971Recently declassified documents detail the top secret operation![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-236.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/b00160be-1464-44c6-91e0-a75a57095092_966x600.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-reveals-santa-was-killed-in-cambodian/) [Son Proudly Follows In Father’s, Grandfather’s Footsteps In Faking Military ServiceHe shared some of the stolen valor family secrets of faking military service.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-235.png)Duffel BlogG-Had![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/091312_stolen_valor_p1-3.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/son-proudly-follows-in-fathers-grandfathers-footsteps-in-faking-military-service/) [BREAKING: Your Christmas Leave Is CancelledSources confirmed on this joyous and wonderful Christmas morning that your much-earned leave block far, far away from the flag pole to spend time with your family has just been cancelled.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-237.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/60abb4a4-c117-4d1a-8836-fa07376cb71f_600x375.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-christmas-leave/) [The 12 Days of Extra DutyMerry Christmas, Boot. You got firewatch.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-238.png)Duffel BlogIronic Major![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/37a5e8fd-c774-4e46-97fc-a296989b275d_1000x670.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-12-days-of-extra-duty/) [Turn your access to classified information into a side hustle with these five stepsWhat could go wrong? This is easy money.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-239.png)Duffel BlogTask Force Football Bat![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/79fe4d95-0bd5-45a8-a8f2-03e641a9ccbc_600x375.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/turn-your-access-to-classified-information-into-a-side-hustle-with-these-five-steps/) ### Hegseth blames fog of war after wrapping car around tree URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-blames-fog-of-undeclared-war-after-wrapping-car-around-tree/ Last updated: 2025-12-23T19:20:10.000Z Pentagon staff unsure whether to update safety briefs or call a meteorologist. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Most powerful military in history mobilized to arrest guy washing dishes URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/most-powerful-military-in-history-mobilized-to-arrest-guy-washing-dishes/ Last updated: 2025-12-19T13:00:11.000Z LONG BEACH, Calif. — The most powerful military in the history of the world was mobilized late last night to [apprehend Angel Garcia](https://www.duffelblog.com/dc-man-forgets-to-thank-guardsman/), a 29-year-old dishwasher at Porky’s BBQ Grill n’ Chill, sources confirmed today. The full might of the [National Guard](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-mobilized-to-pick/), I Marine Expeditionary Force, 82nd Airborne Division, and the Blue Angels precision flying team were placed on immediate alert. Three carrier strike groups were diverted to the SOCAL OPAREA. Strategic bombers were scrambled, and the Army Corps of Engineers erected both blast walls and a Green Beans Coffee kiosk for sustained operations. “I have officially raised the United States to DEFCON 2,” said President Donald Trump, a man unable to control his own country. “This Angel guy is the worst, believe me. Total menace. Maybe he’s even a real angel — who knows? We’re going to deport him to Heaven, probably. And look at these streets! I made these streets the cleanest. Cars, people walking — very dangerous.” P-8 Poseidon aircraft and satellite assets tracked Garcia as he left his construction job and headed to the restaurant for his evening shift. En route, officials claim he committed "at least 47" violent crimes, including breathing while brown and wearing steel-toe boots on public transit. When [SEAL Team 3](https://www.duffelblog.com/seal-team-6-designated-class-3-dental/) attempted to detain Garcia outside the walk-in freezer, he allegedly resisted with "superhuman resilience." The SEALs responded with an airstrike that vaporized a three-block radius and half of an Arby’s. “This was a textbook operation,” said Gen. Greg Guillot, commander of U.S. Northern Command. “We used twelve Tomahawk missiles, three B-52 runs, and experimental laser weapons to secure the target. I am proud to say this community is now safer, mostly because it no longer exists.” [Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem](https://www.duffelblog.com/devil-dog-tragically-killed-after/) defended the show of force. “He was in a gang so dangerous no one has ever heard of it. That’s how awful it was. Thousands of Americans are now lining the streets in gratitude — and also to apply for the three jobs Angel Garcia held simultaneously.” At press time, the 1st Armored Division was en route to Griffith Park to suppress a protest involving six elderly women and a therapy dog. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***RED Friday** *wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine CorpsCommandant vows swift justice, new Sergeant Major by close of business![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-169.png)Duffel BlogDark Laughter![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/75519daa-76cc-4a6a-bf79-50544c06a009_1200x800.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) [Pentagon to build $6.8 billion center to combat fraud, waste, and abuseDoD is building a $6.8 billion “Center of Excellence” dedicated to combatting fraud, waste, and abuse.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-172.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/9285456.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-defense-to-open-6-8-billion-center-of-excellence-to-combat-fraud-waste-and-abuse/) [Guy who almost joined military now enjoying career as ICE agentHe may still join the military, but only after his mom gets back from Bingo.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-170.png)Duffel BlogClay Beyersdorfer![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/54843751096_2b16c76bee_k.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-who-almost-joined-military-now-enjoying-career-as-ice-agent/) [Army Spends $100 Million On Equipment That Does NothingAfter extensive research and development, the Army announced today it would field a new piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-171.png)Duffel BlogSgt B![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/860x394-1-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-spends-100m-on-piece-of-equipment-that-doesnt-do-anything/) [134 percent of Marines arrested in nationwide ASVAB cheating scamFederal officials charged thousands of active duty Marines in a costly $5 scheme to cheat ASVAB testing standards.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-173.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/6105689.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/134-percent-of-marines-arrested-in-nationwide-asvab-cheating-scam/) ### Defense Security Cooperation Agency replaced by Office of Cool Knives from the PX URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/defense-security-cooperation-agency-replaced-by-office-of-cool-knives-from-the-px/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T22:28:46.000Z Critics question strategic value of switchblade diplomacy. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Nation that doesn’t care about Russian war crimes also doesn’t care about American war crimes URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/nation-that-doesnt-care-about-russian-war-crimes-also-doesnt-care-about-american-war-crimes/ Last updated: 2025-12-15T13:00:47.000Z WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials from the National Security Council and State Department announced today that the United States of America not only does not care about the nauseating, ever-growing list of documented Russian atrocities in Ukraine, but also does not particularly care [about its own repeated violations](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2025/12/01/former-jags-say-hegseth-others-may-have-committed-war-crimes/?ref=duffelblog.com) of the laws and norms governing the use of force. “Consistency is important,” wrote Mike Waltz in a Signal chat that may not have been intended for Duffel Blog. “If we’re going to treat illegally invading a sovereign country, kidnapping and deporting children, raping entire villages, bombing maternity wards, and leveling cities as [something less than wholly unacceptable](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War%5Fcrimes%5Fin%5Fthe%5FRusso-Ukrainian%5Fwar%5F%282022%E2%80%93present%29?ref=duffelblog.com), then it would be hypocritical to suddenly get squeamish when we start blowing up random boats in a few oceans.” “We stand firmly against double standards,” added the former national security advisor who [somehow wasn’t fired](https://www.cnn.com/2025/05/01/politics/mike-waltz-national-security-adviser-depart?ref=duffelblog.com) and instead ended up as the United Nations ambassador. Policy experts said they were perplexed by the development. “It’s hard for me to believe that a country full of people who gave zero shits about multi-decade, [unwinnable wars in Iraq and Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/gwot-reenactors-gather-for-disconnected/) now suddenly give a proportional number of fucks about anything America — let alone a foreign power — does,” said James Needlethorne, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution. Vivian Thompson, a senior leader at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, offered a similar view. “My frail body can barely sustain the utter shock that a country unbothered by kindergarteners being murdered in their classrooms on a recurring basis is also okay with what Russia is doing to Ukraine, or with what its [own military is doing in the Western Hemisphere](https://www.justsecurity.org/120296/many-ways-caribbean-strike-unlawful/?ref=duffelblog.com),” Thompson said. She continued, “Let me be absolutely exhaustive in describing the staggering depth of my astonishment that the people of the United States — who re-elected a man who [attempted to overthrow the government](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/jan-6-panel-releases-final-report-alleges-trump-engaged-in-conspiracy-to-overturn-election?ref=duffelblog.com), who campaigned on moral outrage over immigrants [allegedly stealing and eating pets](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5llMaZ80ErY&ref=duffelblog.com), who once insisted the U.S. military [should target women and children](https://www.cnn.com/2015/12/02/politics/donald-trump-terrorists-families?ref=duffelblog.com), and who regularly pardons [war criminals](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/dec/23/trump-pardons-blackwater-contractors-jailed-for-massacre-of-iraq-civilians?ref=duffelblog.com) — are willing to overlook anything their military does day-to-day, as well as whatever our leaders are prepared to let Russia get away with.” “Where is my fainting couch?” she added. [Regular citizens also offered insight](https://archive.ph/1JGvr?ref=duffelblog.com) into the new policy. Jayce Miller, a manufacturing worker in western Pennsylvania who votes for free-market politicians but refuses to move to where the jobs are, described himself as “a single drop in the infinite well of American apathy and ignorance.” “Unless it tastes good or looks cool, I am completely out of fucks to give,” Miller said. “Even if you wanted me to be outraged about the moral injury of supporting a military that commits war crimes, or the grotesque American legitimization of Russia’s evisceration of the rules-based international order, I am simply incapable of understanding why I should care,” he added, before asking, “Can you move? I’m trying to watch the game.” At press time, officials confirmed the policy would remain in place until caring became politically useful, at which point they would immediately pretend they had always cared deeply. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Task Force Football Bat** *isn’t worried at all.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [White House under fire over Major Biden promotion to lieutenant colonelCritics are barking mad.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-230.png)Duffel BlogW.E. Linde![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/4677c73b-b002-416b-b3e6-2d27139893f3_560x506.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/white-house-under-fire-over-major/) [Interactive military museum exhibit invites patrons to poop like the troopsLessons in tactical crapping![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-231.png)Duffel BlogW.E. Linde![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/c978abc8-84a3-46b5-a8c6-0b8c36b2c89c_838x600.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/interactive-military-museum-exhibit/) [Iran says nuclear weapons program purely for hunting and home defenseAmerican ‘lib-tards’ would just love to take away our nukes.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-232.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/449b63c6-8248-44c5-a415-c73437d224dd_900x585.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-says-nuclear-weapons-program/) [Duffel Blog’s military transition guide for members who don’t obey lawful ordersLife comes at you fast, we are here to help.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-234.png)Duffel BlogW.E. Linde![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/400e99fe-fc5e-491b-91d3-f666f758f7f7_733x600.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffle-blogs-military-transition/) [Last C-17 out of Afghanistan still waiting for CWO4 who said she’d ‘be right back’“Her cover is here.”![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-233.png)Duffel BlogAs for Class![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/1a9bfb93-c531-4e5c-b05c-39905518572b_900x600.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/last-c-17-out-of-afghanistan-still/) ### Hegseth attends Army-Navy game in full pads URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-attends-army-navy-game-in-full-pads/ Last updated: 2025-12-14T13:00:12.000Z Defense Secretary insists he's “ready if they need me." _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Navy football unveils new uniforms honoring lisa Frank dolphins URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-football-unveils-new-uniforms-honoring-lisa-frank-dolphins/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:53.000Z Midshipmen say the rainbow dolphins “perfectly capture the soul of Navy football.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth says he supports contributions of ‘colored troops and broads’ URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-says-he-supports-contributions-of-colored-troops-and-broads/ Last updated: 2025-12-12T13:00:28.000Z WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth this week affirmed his commitment to a diverse and inclusive military, telling reporters that he supports and appreciates the achievements of “colored troops and broads” throughout military history. “[Doris Miller](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/navy-doris-miller-aircraft-carrier/?ref=duffelblog.com) did some real badass stuff during Pearl Harbor — I saw the movie,” Hegseth said. “People say he’s a hero. Not me, but people. Though I gotta say, a guy named Doris? That’s confusing. That’s why the Navy should've only gave him, like, [three-fifths](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-fifths%5FCompromise?ref=duffelblog.com) of a medal.” On the subject of women in uniform, Hegseth was equally enthusiastic. “Nurses are vital to the mission,” he said, while receiving a fresh chest tattoo of a [sonnenrad](https://www.adl.org/resources/hate-symbol/sonnenrad?ref=duffelblog.com) flanked by an eagle fighting a serpent. “But let’s be honest, ladies aren’t built for the [violent stuff like men are](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/pete-hegseths-former-sister-in-law-alleges-in-affidavit-he-was-abusive-to-second-wife?ref=duffelblog.com). They’re meant to provide comfort. I heard the Japanese used [comfort women](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/who-are-comfort-women-why-are-u-s-based-memorials-n997656?ref=duffelblog.com) to great effect during WWII. We should try that.” Critics have pointed out that Hegseth’s views might stem more from his own insecurities than science. Biologically, women cannot meet the standards that men can, according to his beliefs. And yet, several former and current female Army officers have earned Ranger tabs while Secretary Hegseth has not. “I wouldn’t call him a ‘tabless, whiny little bitch,’” said Kristen Griest, one of the first women to graduate Ranger School and now a West Point instructor. “But I do have a Ranger tab, and he doesn’t.” Shaye Haver, who graduated alongside Griest, added: “He’s welcome to talk about standards once he meets some.” Hegseth dismissed the critique. “I love women and I love minorities,” he insisted. “Lady Admiral Michelle Howard is like a twofer. Black and female. That’s great. Just… you know, Navy.” Later, while sipping whiskey to dull the sting of his new tattoo, Hegseth Googled Griest’s name. “Okay, fine,” Hegseth admitted after scrolling through her profile. “She might outrank me, outshoot me, and out-tab me. But I’ve got way more Fox News appearances.” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Gray Sea Liu** *is a former Naval Officer, current smart-ass.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/7505866d-0306-4fba-9140-44a7a181c665_1200x440.png) [Duffel Blog’s guide to Trump’s selection of Pete Hegseth as SECDEFHe was one of many candidates in the running. Here’s the full list.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-168.png)Duffel BlogDark Laughter![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/ead7e9b4-a03f-49b9-a6ad-84361a2086fe_1024x683.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-trumps-selection/) [Naval Academy summer program teaches kids how to be racist, tie knotsProgram blends soft skills, hard prejudice, and light tobacco use.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-164.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/968edae2-51d5-4d68-b791-d616dad91c39_999x665-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/naval-academy-summer-program-teaches/) [Pentagon releases list of approved racial and sexual epithetsNames and “zingers” questioning another service member’s sexual orientation are allowed immediately.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-165.png)Duffel BlogW.E. Linde![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/34c6e671-bbdd-4430-88fc-8c58a91e662b_1248x830-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-release-list-of-authorized/) [Master Sgt. beats discrimination charge by proving he hates everyone equallyArmy Master Sgt. Matthew Lowe made history today after clearing his name by claiming he hates everyone equally.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-166.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/9af8bf68-0992-46b0-bbc2-bfe324711204_1200x572.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/master-sgt-beats-discrimination-charge-by-proving-he-hates-everyone-equally/) [Divorced general thinks bases should be named after officers who understand loyaltyARLINGTON, Va.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-167.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/eb787bb5-327b-47b7-a8f4-60972bb05e81_360x180.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/divorced-general-thinks-bases-should-be-named-after-officers-who-understand-loyalty/) ### Hegseth disappointed sexual assault training only covers prevention URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-disappointed-sexual-assault-training-only-covers-prevention/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:56.000Z WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth expressed disappointment that his recent sexual assault training focused on prevention [rather than ‘practical application](https://apnews.com/article/hegseth-sex-assault-payment-trump-6674cc8cfee654c374725948e01ff666?ref=duffelblog.com),’ sources confirmed today. “He came in all excited, saying ‘I’m gonna learn [some new tricks,](https://archive.ph/E6EJq?ref=duffelblog.com#selection-683.2-683.251)’” said Janice Wellborne, former Sexual Assault and Prevention Response (SAPR) Coordinator. “He got upset when I said ‘Hell yeah bro’ is not an appropriate response. “He was disruptive during the presentation,” Wellborne continued, “Saying things like ‘Good luck trying to prevent this,’ while pointing towards his crotch, and ‘Bill O’Reilly told me if she’s asleep she can’t say no.’ When I said consent is a legal issue, he said ‘Not if she doesn’t call the cops.’” “Also, is anybody hiring?” she added, before pouring Fireball into her coffee. Army Col. John Adams, who was present at the training, also described Hegseth’s actions. “He was taking notes during the part about online harassment and burner phones. During one of the breaks an aide came running in to show him how to replace his SIM card. Then he showed me a picture of a second lieutenant and said ‘I’d get sexual on her ass-ment, bro.’ I asked him how his wife would feel about this and he said ‘It doesn’t matter if the man cheats.’” According to senior defense officials, the secretary left the training early to help set up the Pentagon’s monthly “Natty Ice Kegger, no Black chicks” party at Crystal City Restaurant. He spoke to reporters at the scene. “I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to deal with this woke shit,” Hegseth said. “I’ve got bombers striking [Yemen from the North at 1342 Zulu](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/man-known-for-poor-judgment-displays), so I’m not going to sit around and listen to someone tell me texting unsolicited dick pics is inappropriate office behavior. Why would anyone ask before sending a… You see, this is Marxist stuff the left uses to divide us. And if you’re going to ask why the women’s locker room and showers are closed for maintenance, I got a guy in there making sure there aren’t any hidden cameras. It might take him a while to find all seventeen that, uh, might be in there.” He then attempted to finger a woman mid-kegstand, whispering ‘I fought for your freedom’ before falling into the nacho table. At press time, Hegseth was reported to be ordering his aides to put [a mattress on his boat](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgUvwcU6P7I&ref=duffelblog.com), because ‘boats get bitches,’ according to an email he accidentally cc’d to the entire Joint Chiefs. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) - [**Pete Hegseth thrown onto court at WNBA game**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/pete-hegseth-thrown-onto-court-at) - [**Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/dear-god-horror-struck-james-mattis) - [**Pentagon Study Finds Beards Directly Related To Combat Effectiveness**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/pentagon-study-finds-beards-directly-proportional-to-combat-effectiveness) - [**Troops save Pentagon over $900 trillion each year, according to performance reports**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/troops-save-pentagon-900-trillion-year-according-performance-reports) - [**Secret Service wary of Mattis having plan to kill everyone he meets at Trump Tower**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/mattis-trump-secretary-of-defense) ### Duffel Blog presents: 10 other things Admiral bradley is solely responsible for URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blog-presents-10-other-things-admiral-bradley-is-solely-responsible-for/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:53.000Z Admiral also responsible for 90% of what’s wrong with America _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Accountability! DoD IG fired over Hegseth Signal-gate report URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:37:09.000Z WASHINGTON — After doing away with many of the disastrous [woke military policies](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/) of President “Sleepy” Joe Biden, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is bringing long-overdue accountability back to the Department of Defense. Case in point: Hegseth just fired the Inspector General who found he'd shared [highly classified information in a Signal chat and put American lives at risk](https://media.defense.gov/2025/Dec/04/2003834916/-1/-1/1/DODIG%5F2026%5F021.PDF?ref=duffelblog.com). That's right, deep state bureaucrats. It's a new era of real warrior justice, because the Hegseth hammer is coming down. The firing was part of “Operation Lethal Spartan Accountability,” a [Hegseth-led](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-female-service-members-treat-all-orders-as-lawful/) initiative to remove every remaining Pentagon official who still believes in radical, left-wing ideologies such as law, ethics, or the Geneva Conventions. “The woke era of oversight is over,” Hegseth said during a press conference at the Pentagon [attended by ace national security journalists](https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/simple-reason-latest-pentagon-press-204817420.html?ref=duffelblog.com) Matt Gaetz, Laura Loomer, and X user LibsRshit2000\. “In my Pentagon, the only transparency we need is on the bottom of a whiskey bottle.” And Pete isn’t satisfied with the termination of good-for-nothing so-called “inspectors." Especially those who think looking into fraud, waste, or abuse of top Pentagon officials is more important than investigating lethality. He’s also making sure that long-serving [Navy admirals are fired](https://newrepublic.com/post/203949/why-top-navy-admiral-holsey-resigned-hegseth-boat-strikes?ref=duffelblog.com) or [face the wrath of Congress](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/dec/02/us-admiral-to-brief-lawmakers-as-bipartisan-scrutiny-grows-over-boat-strike?ref=duffelblog.com) for following the orders of their superiors to commit war crimes. “That whole ‘just following orders’ excuse didn’t fly at Nuremberg, and it sure as hell won’t fly under me — especially when *I’m* the one giving the orders,” Hegseth said. When asked about potential violations of international law, Hegseth dismissed such concerns as ‘woke European nonsense invented by [the French](https://www.duffelblog.com/vladimierre-poutin-fbi-director/) and losers at The Hague.’ Wow, Pete really means business! At press time, the move for greater accountability was being applauded by a coalition of TikTok veteran influencers, including @TriggerDaddy69 and @RangerUpMyAss, who livestreamed their reactions during a [CrossFit workout.](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-hasnt-told-anyone-he-vapes/) [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Pentagon recalls Hegseth to active duty for violating most of the UCMJ“He promised accountability,” says lawyer holding 3,000-page indictment.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-189.png)Duffel BlogKay Too Ess Ohhhhh![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/9408073.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-recalls-hegseth-to-active-duty-for-violating-most-of-the-ucmj/) [Russia sends observers to Gaza to provide war crime adviceThis is not ’Nam, there are rules![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-190.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/4f4867ca-ee34-4020-b4c9-8e46e51a28bd_1024x768.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/russia-sends-observers-to-gaza-to-provide-war-crime-advice/) [Eddie Gallagher’s Top 5 defense tips for Russians accused of war crimes“I know how to own a courtroom.”![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-191.png)Duffel BlogBull Winkle![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/8bea5133-a319-45c7-ac9f-ecd51bd91357_949x391.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/eddie-gallaghers-top-5-defense-tips/) [Duffel Blog’s guide to Trump’s selection of Pete Hegseth as SECDEFHe was one of many candidates in the running. Here’s the full list.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-192.png)Duffel BlogDark Laughter![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/ead7e9b4-a03f-49b9-a6ad-84361a2086fe_1024x683-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-trumps-selection/) [Opinion: There’s the problem. The fuckin’ doohicky ain’t in the thingamajigThe following is an op-ed written by a soldier in your S-6 communications section.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-195.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1700774606243-e7b44df0db9f.jpeg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/s6-theres-the-problem-the-fuckin-doohicky-aint-in-the-thingamajig/) ### Third-class petty officer promoted to first-class douchebag URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/third-class-petty-officer-promoted-to-first-class-douchebag/ Last updated: 2025-12-03T13:00:41.000Z Retired as captain, remembered as cautionary tale. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon recalls Hegseth to active duty for violating most of the UCMJ URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-recalls-hegseth-to-active-duty-for-violating-most-of-the-ucmj/ Last updated: 2025-12-01T13:01:01.000Z “He promised accountability,” says lawyer holding 3,000-page indictment. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth demands female service members treat all orders as lawful URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-female-service-members-treat-all-orders-as-lawful/ Last updated: 2025-11-28T13:00:28.000Z The policy was praised by creepy E-7s going through their second divorce. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Study confirms best time to be in military was exactly 5 years before you joined URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/study-confirms-best-time-to-be-in-military-was-exactly-5-years-before-you-joined/ Last updated: 2025-11-26T13:00:54.000Z Every generation agrees: yours ruined everything. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon orders guard troops to return pay after judge rules DC mission ‘unlawful' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-orders-guard-troops-to-return-pay-after-judge-rules-dc-mission-unlawful/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:51.000Z The ruling has sent shockwaves through the ranks, especially among those who bought essential items like divorce attorneys, energy drinks, and Zyn. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Saudi crown prince gifts Trump solid gold bone saw URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-crown-prince-gifts-trump-solid-gold-bone-saw/ Last updated: 2025-11-21T13:00:14.000Z WASHINGTON — During a joint press conference where the United States and Saudi Arabia celebrated their shared values of [exchanging obscene amounts of money](https://apnews.com/article/trump-saudi-crown-prince-mbs-505b32527e58d4bd49d5bc917efb4936?ref=duffelblog.com), Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman presented a dazzling golden bone saw to President Donald Trump. “This humble token of our friendship epitomizes what makes our relationship so special,” said bin Salman. “The bone saw symbolizes that no obstacle which our nations face is so great it can’t be viciously torn apart with the right tools.” “This is amazing,” Trump said, drool slipping down his chin as he ogled the high-quality gold. “You know what? I’m going to give you some F-35s, with the employee discount.” The jovial atmosphere of the press conference was then momentarily interrupted when Trump cut his hand after grabbing the sharp end of the instrument, having never actually handled such a tool. Prior to this meeting, sources indicated that Saudi officials had worried that they might not be able to come up with the perfect “something special” for the famously gift-loving president. “Frankly, there’s been a lot of competition in terms of greasing the White House’s palm,” complained one Saudi official. “It’s hard to compete [with all these other nations giving planes and golden crowns to Trump](https://www.cnn.com/politics/gift-tracker-trump-foreign-leaders-vis?ref=duffelblog.com). But this saw comes from the heart. And probably goes through it. It's really quite special, you know? Something that says, “this is worth a *lot* of money.” The saw, crafted with a hand-carved handle of lapis lazuli, diamond-coated teeth, and an inscription that reads "Keep cutting deals, Mr. President," is capable of “slicing through the most persistent of problems,” said bin Salman, “regardless of who…I mean…what they are.” “*Anything,*” the prince repeated, eyeing the media pool. One reporter seemed to take issue with the saw, and asked Trump about a U.S. intelligence report that placed culpability for [the death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s death](https://www.cnn.com/2025/11/18/politics/khashoggi-murder-trump-bin-saudi-crown-prince?ref=duffelblog.com) directly on the highest levels of the Saudi government. “That’s fake news,” said Trump. “But look at this craftsmanship. It's a beautiful bone saw. Solid gold! And you can’t trust the president who was in charge when the intel losers made that assessment. There are two sides to every story, and things happen.” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ****W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch)** writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer, podcaster. Also likes to talk about [books](https://www.youtube.com/@D3Reads?ref=duffelblog.com) on YouTube. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Saudi Arabia beheads first female robot citizenThe number of robot citizens in Saudi Arabia was reduced back to zero today after Sophia Robot was beheaded in a public square in Riyadh.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-147.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/Sophia_Robot_Web_Summit_Flickr_FB.webp)](https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-arabia-beheads-first-female-robot-citizen/) [Saudi King marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’“Sure, we didn’t expect them to return, but I knew some of them quite well.”![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-148.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/52d4207a-4f54-4c22-8d56-8123e6f3f39a_515x452.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-king-marks-911-anniversary/) [Trump calls for Constitutional ban on Gold Star families talking about himJust one week after a Muslim-American Gold Star family criticized him at the Democratic National Convention, Donald Trump called for a constitutional amendment that would ban families who have lost a child to combat from talking about him.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-149.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/3c1beaf1-b16d-401d-9d82-578db50e7695_900x563.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-khan-constitution/) [Hegseth announces Pentagon will stop fighting wars, focus on lethalityDepartment of Defense to rebrand as Also War Department![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-150.png)Duffel BlogDark Laughter![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/2DC1DB3F-04D6-4985-AA2F-1854D88803F1-1.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/) [Trump orders Pentagon to conduct military parade and make North Korea pay for itTrump has ordered planning a massive military parade to be held in downtown Washington, which he promised he would make North Korea pay for![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-151.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/0940_-_Nordkorea_2015_-_Pjo--ngjang_-_Parade_zum_75._JT_der_Arbeiterpartei_-22976923725-.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-military-parade/) ### Guy who almost joined military now enjoying career as ICE agent URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-who-almost-joined-military-now-enjoying-career-as-ice-agent/ Last updated: 2025-11-19T19:34:28.000Z He may still join the military, but only after his mom gets back from Bingo. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Trump blows cover on Venezuela op, crushes SEALs’ dreams of book deals URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-blows-cover-on-venezuela-op-crushes-seals-dreams-of-book-deals/ Last updated: 2025-11-17T13:00:30.000Z “We trained our whole lives for this chapter,” sources say. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon says US has ‘turned a corner’ in war on America URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-says-us-has-turned-a-corner-in-war-on-america/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:55.000Z Insurgents reportedly retreating into suburbs to secure oat milk supplies _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Stephen Miller calls ICE on commissary baggers for asking him to tip URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/stephen-miller-calls-ice-on-commissary-baggers-for-asking-him-to-tip/ Last updated: 2026-03-08T19:32:39.000Z WASHINGTON — White House advisor Stephen Miller reportedly [called Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE)](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) on commissary baggers after being asked for a tip, witnesses confirmed Monday. “He was just [bragging about base privileges](https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2025/10/trump-officials-military-housing-stephen-miller/684748/?ref=duffelblog.com) — tax-free groceries, forced neighborly smiles, that kind of thing,” said commissary manager John Willingstone. “But then a bagger asked for a dollar, and he lost his mind.” Willingstone added: “He screamed that tipping was socialism and threw a can of creamed corn at the nearest enlisted kid.” Security footage shows Miller berating a group of elderly Filipino baggers after they loaded his trunk with groceries. Minutes later, a black SUV screeched up to the curb and [armed ICE agents stormed the building](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters/), zip-tying anyone holding plastic bags or wearing boots. Meanwhile, a second group of ICE agents fast-roped from a hovering Black Hawk and flash-banged the produce section. “They were all Filipino, and if they were working for tips they didn’t have real jobs,” Miller said when asked for comment. “They are suspected [members of this mafia](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-tagalog-to-phase-out-english-as-official-language/) I keep hearing about. We need to get them out of the country. Yes, it is unfortunate that two 60-year-old women tried to resist arrest, but our agents had no choice but to shoot them in the back more than a dozen times.” Multiple Hispanic, Asian, Black, and Native American service members inside the commissary were also detained “just in case," Miller said, denying any racial motivations while claiming that questions about his actions were antisemitic. “With these people gone, imagine the wait times at sick call, or the traffic at the gates in the morning. The wait times will be just as long for no reason...” said Miller stopping his speech and staring straight ahead for several seconds. Base medical staff say Miller may be experiencing the long-term effects of a [circumcision-related head injury](https://www.factcheck.org/2025/10/rfk-jr-s-inaccurate-claims-about-tylenol-circumcision-and-autism/?ref=duffelblog.com), though no one can confirm who performed the operation or why it was done with gardening shears. Miller was last seen at a base housing key party, reportedly seated in the cuck chair. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Navy kicks off ‘Incel to Intel’ recruiting campaignThe service’s novel approach is to recruit technologically adept virgins into the intelligence community.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-118.png)Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/a1011b80-5e5f-4705-b30f-c41521ec8fb1_1200x800.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-incel-to-intel-recruiting-campaign/) [Navy: Tagalog To Phase Out English As Official LanguageThe United States Navy will change its standard operating language from English to Tagalog to account for the ever-growing Filipino majority.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-117.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1655870975779-110676c5a90f.jpeg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-tagalog-to-phase-out-english-as-official-language/) [Navy says lava field near base housing area may be unsafeIt’s still better than contaminated drinking water, amirite?![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-119.png)Duffel BlogW.E. Linde![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/aa71b2d4-7ab0-4db2-af17-483f3b7dd315_840x600.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/report-on-base-enlisted-lava-fields/) [Trump proposes cutting housing allowance for troops with unattractive spousesPresident Donald Trump is proposing a controversial plan that would cut the military’s basic allowance for housing for troops married to unattractive spouses, Duffel Blog has learned.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-120.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/b4279df0-8456-4cb8-b6c3-3e5c1a4e831b_750x430.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cuts-bah-for-unattractive-spouses/) [Pacific Fleet Claims Garbage Island As US TerritoryGarbage Island is located in a convergence zone of the North Pacific Gyre.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-121.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/c868a80b-db26-4613-985c-e10a9226a063_660x400.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-navy-garbage-island/) ### True patriot: Hegseth maintains BAC of .1776 at all times URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/true-patriot-hegseth-maintains-bac-of-1776-at-all-times/ Last updated: 2025-11-10T15:46:50.000Z "Being perpetually blitzed isn’t medically advisable,” said a Navy doctor. “But behaviorally? It tracks.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Cash-strapped Pentagon downgrades to military service with ads URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-military-ads/ Last updated: 2025-11-09T22:22:41.000Z After each crossing at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, sentinels now scream “AFLAC!” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Top 10 things SECDEF is spending money on while you’re not getting paid URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-things-secdef-is-spending-money-on-while-youre-not-getting-paid/ Last updated: 2025-11-05T13:00:43.000Z It's nice to know he's having the time of his life. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Soldiers react positively to flavored vape pits URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-react-positively-to-flavored-vape-pits/ Last updated: 2025-11-03T13:00:13.000Z WASHINGTON — The Pentagon says that soldiers are raving about the military’s ongoing conversion of toxic burn pits into flavored vape pits, sources confirmed today. “I’m proud to say we’ve replaced unhealthy fumes with tropical aromas,” boasted Dr. Steve Ferrara, acting assistant secretary of defense for health affairs, exhaling a custard-flavored cloud. “Our brave soldiers have been happily enjoying our vape pits in flavors such as crème brûlée, fruity pebble, and piña colada.” [Burn pits](https://news.va.gov/129241/veterans-exposed-toxins-hazards-now-eligible/?ref=duffelblog.com) have plagued the military for decades, reaching a peak during the Iraq War. Many veterans would still be fighting to prove exposure and receive care if [not for the PACT Act](https://www.va.gov/resources/the-pact-act-and-your-va-benefits/?ref=duffelblog.com). But the Department of Defense has pledged to address the very burn pits that inspired the law — by replacing them with environmentally questionable *vape pits*, capable of producing “phat clouds,” according to junior enlisted personnel. “It’s some of the best fucking stuff I’ve ever smoked,” raved Senior Airmen Anton Marc. “After a long day of swabbing the airfield, in the rain, nothing relaxes me more than taking a rip from the vape pit. Sure, there are times when I wake up coughing blood, but it’s all paid for by the morale fund!” Defense officials expect a morale boost across the active-duty force. “We anticipate a 300% increase in morale and a 40% rise in vaping-related lung collapses,” said one DoD official while standing beside a tent labeled ‘JUULCONEX.’ But not everyone is on board with this so-called solution. Jon Stewart, [a prominent advocate for veterans' health](https://www.dav.org/learn-more/news/2023/comedian-jon-stewart-reluctantly-accepts-award-to-raise-awareness-of-pact-act-benefits/?ref=duffelblog.com) and key player in the passage of the PACT Act, expressed frustration. “We... god damn it... we JUST started to correct this issue. When we worked with the VA to fix the issue, I did not imagine an Agent Orange-filled hookah lounge.” When surveyed, junior enlisted personnel overwhelmingly supported the vape pits, requesting additional flavors such as pink lemonade and blueberry jam, rather than removing them. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Jason Trudell** *spins stories with flair, of Tricare woes and pay beyond repair, a military man with humble deeds, with coffee and whiskey he buries the lead* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) - [**Atheist, CrossFitting Navy SEAL hasn't told anyone he vapes**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/navy-seal-hasnt-told-anyone-he-vapes) - [**Report: 100% of first sergeants think you're a piece of garbage**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/report-100-of-first-sergeants-think-youre-a-piece-of-shit) - [**Marine calls Coast Guard to save him from drowning in debt**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/man-calls-coast-guard-to-save-him-from-drowning-in-debt) - [**Opinion: This Page Maliciously Left Blank**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/opinion-this-page-maliciously-left) - [**'Eternal Flaming Wheelbarrow Full of Cash' picked as Global War On Terror Memorial**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash) ### Trump announces CIA op in Venezuela will go off without a hitch next week URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cia-venezuela/ Last updated: 2025-10-31T12:00:02.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump took to Truth Social at 2:03 a.m. Friday to announce that a covert CIA operation in Venezuela would “go off without a hitch” next week. “MADURO CAN SUCK MY BALLS!” Trump posted in all caps. “NEXT WEEK OUR GREAT SPIES WILL STAGE A TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE REASON TO INVADE VENEZUELA. THE WORLD WILL NEVER SEE IT COMING! OUR TROOPS ARE EXCITED TO DIE IN ANOTHER POINTLESS WAR. GOD BLESS AMERICA.” The post included an [AI-created image of Trump](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/trumps-team-keeps-posting-ai-portraits-of-him-and-we-keep-clicking?ref=duffelblog.com) giving a thumbs-up next to a flaming oil refinery alongside a caption of “Somewhere in Caracas.” The statement comes amid reports of U.S. Navy warships deploying to the Caribbean, including a full carrier strike group. Analysts believe the move signals the start of yet another destabilizing regime change effort in a country that most Americans can’t locate on a map. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the operation, stating, “The president is right. Maduro absolutely can suck his balls. [Republicans do it all the time.”](https://www.rawstory.com/mike-johnson-2674232609/?ref=duffelblog.com) Earlier this week, Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro claimed his security forces arrested multiple CIA operatives attempting to orchestrate a false flag attack on U.S. naval assets. While Maduro’s claims have not been substantiated, a CIA operation ending in [humiliating disaster would come as no surprise.](https://amzn.to/490R2gh?ref=duffelblog.com) Following a string of strikes on suspected drug boats and fishing vessels off the Venezuelan coast, sources say next week's “Operation Very Fine Coup” will commence with airstrikes on farmers, schools, and civilian cars that may be carrying drugs. “All the people with common sense say we shouldn’t invade Venezuela, so you can bet your ass we’re going to do it,” said Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell. “The cartel you’ve never heard of is a minor player in the drug trade and must be stopped. An invasion and botched occupation will turn Venezuela into a lawless anarchy where these cartels will have much less power. [Based on our track record](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraq-war-retroactively-justified-by-discovery-of-saddams-wmds/), this will backfire and we'll end up [worse off than we were before](https://www.duffelblog.com/houthi-rebels-audition-to-be-americas-next-quagmire/). Now let’s get out there and beat them like my wife.” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of ‘big booty Latinas’Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-86.png)Duffel BlogFat Ghenghis![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/Screenshot-2025-09-04-at-12.21.49---PM-1.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) [Navy SEAL horrified that local man has never heard of Navy SEALsNever heard of the ‘Quiet Professionals’? Who is this beta?![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-87.png)Duffel BlogRobert Campbell![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/d80d167d-aac3-48ed-b66e-f694da99a5ba_1242x998.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-horrified-that-local-man/) [Lee Harvey Oswald Quietly Added To CIA Memorial WallLANGLEY, Va.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-88.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/CIA_Memorial_Wall_2023-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/lee-harvey-oswald-quietly-added-cia-memorial-wall/) [SF Soldier-Turned-CIA Officer Disappointed To Find Out It’s Not ‘Just Like Splinter Cell’LANGLEY, Va.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-89.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/8YLP4niHDffLNzfgEWzVGU-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/sf-soldier-cia-disappointed-not-just-like-splinter-cell/) [Army standardizes military intelligence excusesThe U.S. Army Intelligence Center of Excellence has published a new analytical framework that helps to standardize a wide array of excuses![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-90.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1569087682520-45253cc2e0ee)](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-intelligence-excuses/) ### Secretary is a lady job, says newly-minted CEO of War URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ceo-of-war-hegseth/ Last updated: 2026-08-09T22:26:12.000Z Hegseth expected to ring Pentagon bell at close of every operation. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Anonymous donor gives Pentagon 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen to pay troops URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/anonymous-donor-gives-pentagon-130-million-cans-of-skoal-wintergreen-to-pay-troops/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:10:28.000Z Donation will “tide everyone over” until someone finds seven billion more cans _This post is for subscribers only._ ### HGTV debuts 'gardening with the guard' series URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hgtv-gardening-dc-guard/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:49.000Z Highlights new Army values of Loyalty, Duty, Selfless Service, and Landscaping _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth pays troops with government travel card URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-pays-troops-with-government-travel-card/ Last updated: 2025-10-22T12:00:16.000Z Technically, the manual offers no guidance on paying an entire Army with a Visa. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Tracker S3A updates tracker that tracks tracker updates URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/tracker-s3a-updates-tracker-that-tracks-tracker-updates/ Last updated: 2025-10-20T12:00:26.000Z Battalion leadership confident spreadsheet power will deter China. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fortnite adds Tim Kennedy 'rucksack of grenades' skin URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fortnite-adds-tim-kennedy-rucksack-of-grenades-skin/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:48.000Z Players can unlock the skin by completing a side quest that involves lobbing at least 25 grenades at non-combatants. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Mass shooting at Army base cancelled over government shutdown URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mass-shooting-gov-shutdown/ Last updated: 2025-10-15T15:21:38.000Z FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Today’s ideologically driven mass shooting has been canceled because of the government shutdown, base officials and furloughed extremists confirmed Thursday. “The plans for this indiscriminate violence had been in the works long before the current fiscal year,” said Spc. Jefferson Dale Earnhardt Davis, a fringe internet conspiracy theorist of some variety. “But with furloughs and closed facilities, it’s clear this isn’t an exempted activity.” On Oct. 1, the government entered a shutdown due to a lapse in appropriations. Which means that many operations have been curtailed: training exercises, [permanent change of station moves](https://www.duffelblog.com/breaking-truck-carrying-your-household-goods-just-drove-off-a-cliff/), morale activities, [barracks mold](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-to-stop-using-mold-to-construct/) remediation, [rooting out DEI supporters](https://www.duffelblog.com/dozens-killed-in-navy-seal-raid-on/), free government sex changes, abortion parties, [white supremacist meetings](https://www.duffelblog.com/not-racist-soldier-has-surprisingly-negative-things-to-say-about-supply-nco/) at the base library, healthcare coverage, and [mass shootings](https://www.duffelblog.com/government-pamphlet-veteran-classroom-attempts-mass-shooting/) have all been cancelled due to the anti-deficiency act. “The showdown of political will in Congress right now is addressing some of our deepest problems here at [Fort Bragg, I mean Fort Liberty](https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-liberty-to-solve-trash-problem/), or is it Fort Bragg now?” an anonymous second shooter reported from his mother’s basement. “Myself, along with a shadowy underground fighting against American values are going to pick up again on our unchecked violence, but not while we are having this fruitful public discussion on immigration. Or is it healthcare? I think I heard something about Greenland.” Others have reported that one speech from [Defense Secretary Pete 'Sharpie Sniffer' Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-budget-plan-just-stick-figure/) was enough to revive their warrior spirit, but without TDY funding, the urge to line up the fatties against a wall execute them petered out pretty quickly. “Joining Antifa sounded pretty sick, but now I’m covering for three furloughed GS employees,” 2nd Lt. Linda Graves added to the r/NewTerroristGroups reddit thread. “I’m just tired. I don’t have time for a hobby right now.” Fort Bragg hasn’t had a mass shooting since 1995, after a soldier became frustrated with his command for having to pay out of pocket for equipment and opened fire on an 82nd Airborne Division PT session, killing one paratrooper and injuring others. The sniper incident came on the heels of racially motivated murders by a white supremacist group targeting black civilians to earn a specific tattoo. While 1995, 2009, 2013, 2014, and 2025 all witnessed mass shootings on military bases, a common factor was that the National Defense Authorization had passed, fulling funding the government. According to Davis, the 1995 bombing of the federal government office building in Oklahoma City is held up as the gold standard but, he said, “It’s not worth my time accumulating explosives from the dark web if the feds aren’t even at work to notice.” “My sexual harassment was starting to escalate towards murdering a woman with a higher PT score than me,” Sgt. Sherman Ramiraz reported from the smoke pit. “But I’m living paycheck to paycheck here. My tradwife needs new milkmaid dresses for her tic-tocs. I’m providing for her kids and my kids. Murder won’t make up for a lost paycheck.” Meanwhile, a planned coup d'état scheduled for Thursday has also been called off due to the shutdown. “Oh, like hell I’m showing up to overthrow American institutions in favor of a tyrannical king of a President if I’m not getting BAH,” Davis added. “I’m going to make a dental appointment that day. Come and get me.” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Blondes Over Baghdad** *lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at* [**@BlondsOvrBaghd*](https://email.mg1.substack.com/c/eJwlkMuOwyAMRb-mLCMeSUkXLKaL2c4nIAJOioZHBkyr%5FP2QVrKwANvX51qDsOVyqD1XJOeh8dhBJXjVAIhQSKtQtHeKzYwLOXLiFJXcyoX4qtcCEI0PiuxtCd4a9Dm9qym7sht5KJiloI7y0dIZgLJFCKAzc0xIMEJcP6KmOQ%5FJgsopHHo33pGgHoh7vYivC%5F%5FugS9%5F7jPYHPvtHnJy9edZ7mZ7OOIVp7xrcskEZdM0sOF4%5Fq0i4iua22WkcWNDbUtFY3%5FPEaSo6ItJzvTnGKHUXrSdKO%5FfTqN7ji15PDQkswRwCksDgh-v3th6gwSle-i0QdWJmZz4xKaZjh-u7oRgt77TdSZd3uXelZRr6wphCXn7B8jFglI?ref=duffelblog.com) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [8 tattoos you can get under new Hegseth policyGood news: Tattoos of Pete Hegseth depicted “in the Greek Style” are now allowed.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-48.png)Duffel BlogBlondes Over Baghdad![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/3bc8c555-c2b1-401b-8bd1-aa27566edc8f_3930x2211.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/8-tattoos-you-can-get-under-new-hegseth/) [Iranian president witnesses firepower of fully armed and operational Jewish space laserChem trails and time travel likely played a part as well![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-49.png)Duffel BlogKay Too Ess Ohhhhh![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/1abc77b5-b5ff-400f-b3f3-641feaa61cb9_1707x1280.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-president-witnesses-firepower/) [ICE partners with Taliban to round up Afghan interpretersUnder the agreement, the Taliban will offer “on-the-ground expertise” in displacing and shattering the lives of former allies.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-50.png)Duffel BlogTask Force Football Bat![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/data-src-image-24d39bc7-910d-4282-a922-ed14abda4b71-1.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters/) [Government Shutdown Grounds Black Helicopter Operations Near Alex Jones’ HomeAmerica’s Most Trusted Military News![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-51.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1604913159967-cac4d791230a)](https://www.duffelblog.com/government-shutdown-forces-military-end-black-helicopter-operations-near-alex-jones-home/) ### Top 10 things you can’t buy because you're not getting paid URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/troops-pay-gov-shutdown/ Last updated: 2025-10-13T12:00:25.000Z Congress assures troops that poverty builds character. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Handwritten ‘no girls aloud’ sign spotted outside Joint Chiefs’ treehouse URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/handwritten-no-girls-aloud-sign-spotted-outside-joint-chiefs-treehouse/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:47.000Z THE PENTAGON — Defense officials today confirmed the discovery of a handwritten sign taped to the entrance of the [Joint Chiefs of Staff’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/jcs-dont-care-youre-resigning/) treehouse that reads “No Girls Aloud” \[sic\], with the R in “girls” written backwards for emphasis. The treehouse — known to insiders as “The Clubhouse” — sits in the Pentagon’s back garden and serves as a retreat for the Joint Chiefs when they need a break from running the world’s most lethal military. Originally built in 1967 at the height of the Vietnam War, it has since been upgraded with ballistic armor, secure comms, and the ability to function as a SCIF. With the recent [firing of Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Lisa Franchetti](https://seapowermagazine.org/navy-cno-franchetti-fired/?ref=duffelblog.com), observers suspect the sign is meant to suggest women are not welcome in the treehouse, or more broadly within [within the Joint Chiefs at all](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2025/02/27/no-more-female-4-stars-franchetti-firing-leaves-top-ranks-filled-men.html?ref=duffelblog.com). Linguists have pointed out that “aloud” appears to be a homophone mix-up by the sign’s author. Investigators briefly opened a probe, but the effort was quickly shut down after the sign turned out to be an Amazon box with part of the shipping label still attached. Officials declined to say why the letters “[gseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-budget-plan-just-stick-figure/)” was visible on the torn package. The Clubhouse has long been a magnet for mischief. In 1990, [pranksters toilet papered the tree](https://volumeone.org/articles/2012/10/15/203462-a-toilet-paper-tradition?ref=duffelblog.com) with unused psyop leaflets meant for Iraqi soldiers. Then in 2017, after [Marine Gen. James Mattis](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/dec/01/james-mattis-secretary-of-defense-donald-trump?ref=duffelblog.com) was appointed Secretary of Defense, a full-color paper mâché Keebler sign bearing the Marine Corps eagle, globe, and anchor was found hanging from a branch. During the height of the Global War on Terror, groundskeepers routinely found reflective PT belts lashed around the trunk, along with empty [Rip It cans](https://www.duffelblog.com/rip-it-teases-plan-for-gwot-20-year-anniversary-can/) and [Copenhagen tins](https://www.duffelblog.com/junior-enlisted-party-presidential-candidate-free-copenhagen-porn-at-the-shoppette/) scattered nearby. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***P.J. O’Leary** *is a ginger and retired Army First Sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Performing stand up comedy and writing satire help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown.* ![](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/7505866d-0306-4fba-9140-44a7a181c665_1200x440.png) [‘Eternal Flaming Wheelbarrow Full of Cash’ picked as Global War On Terror MemorialThe National Park Service has selected Eternal Flaming Wheelbarrow Of Cash as a memorial to honor veterans who served in the Global War on Terror![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-29.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/Da5kAXJX0AA8017.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash/) [GWOT reenactors gather for disconnected violence, ill-conceived civil projectsCorners remain to be turned, contracts to be awarded![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-30.png)Duffel BlogThunder Chicken![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/5749b3ac-8ba1-42ae-9b9d-037ecb1478b7_4256x2394.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/gwot-reenactors-gather-for-disconnected/) [Terminally ill vet gets wish to jerk it one last time in IraqAmerican hero can only orgasm at 105 degrees amidst the smell of blue fluid![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-31.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/93d0433d-23c0-40ff-b51b-9680a68cfd0b.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/terminally-ill-vet-gets-his-dying-24-01-18/) ### Hegseth sets record for largest military D&D campaign ever URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-set-largest-military-d-d-campaign-ever/ Last updated: 2025-10-10T00:10:41.000Z Hundreds of generals trapped at Quantico after DTS crash forced to role-play their way out. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Naval Academy adds 'See Spot Run' to reading list URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/naval-academy-adds-see-spot-run-to-reading-list/ Last updated: 2026-08-10T04:17:13.000Z ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Following the announcement that the U.S. Naval Academy would begin accepting applications from [students using the Classic Learning Test](https://thehill.com/homenews/education/5516363-military-academies-clt-classical-learning-test/?ref=duffelblog.com), officials confirmed today that *See Spot Run* has been added to the school's official reading list. “When I heard we were accepting an alternate SAT run by the CEO of PragerU I thought it was a joke,” said Lt. Gen. Michael Borgshulte, superintendent of the Naval Academy. “But it’s what we’re going to be doing. Anything’s possible with these motherfu- fine people in charge.” [The Classic Learning Test](https://www.edweek.org/teaching-learning/what-is-the-classic-learning-test-and-why-is-it-popular-with-conservatives/2025/09?ref=duffelblog.com) (CLT), often referred to as the conservative alternative to the SAT and ACT according to the company behind the test and the Congressmen they bribe, is accepted at some Christian colleges and a handful of state schools in Florida, Texas, Arkansas, and Wyoming. It [includes questions such as:](https://youtu.be/eD3A8SX0G8s?si=kfI-DUn-oVFw27-a&t=252&ref=duffelblog.com) > A mother buys two types of shirts for her son: red shirts and blue shirts. Before she goes shopping, the ratio of red to blue shirts in the son’s closet is 11:14\. She buys 2 new red shirts and 4 new blue shirts. When she adds these to her son’s closet, what is the new ratio of red to blue shirts? > A) 3:4 > B) 11:14 > C) 13:18 > D) It is impossible to determine from the given information. Experts say this is an appropriate gauge of the mathematical knowledge of students in Oklahoma. “If the Navy can take someone who scored [a 10 on the ASVAB](https://www.duffelblog.com/134-percent-of-marines-arrested-in-nationwide-asvab-cheating-scam/) and make them an Operational Specialist,” Borgshulte said, “We can take someone who passes this test and, um… have them cut the grass. That’s off the record, don’t print that.” To prepare for the new class of midshipmen, faculty are lowering academic expectations. “During plebe summer everyone will read *See Spot Run*,” said Dr. Alvin Mellonbottom, head of the English Department. “Advanced literature will cover *The Cat in the Hat*. Our goal is for students to understand that the cat is wearing the hat, not living inside it.” Other changes include replacing calculus with *Math 101: Counting on Your Fingers,* and adding *Chemistry 100: Don’t Stick Your Dick in the Bottles.* Amanda Eliot, protocol advisor to the commandant, says her department is introducing new social instruction such as “Windows are not for licking” and “Please masturbate in private.” Reached for comment, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said, “Hurr durr. I like coffee with the brown stinky juice. Triangle no fit in round hole. Mommy help.” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** *wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### General officer summit extended for K-Pop Demon Hunter singalong URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/general-officer-summit-extended-for-k-pop-demon-hunter-singalong/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T22:20:23.000Z Generals relieved it wasn’t a firing squad or Eyes Wide Shut reenactment _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Leaked agenda outlines schedule for generals’ meeting at Quantico URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/leaked-agenda-outlines-schedule-for-generals-meeting-at-quantico/ Last updated: 2025-09-30T18:19:26.000Z Generals brace for height/weight checks, essay contests, and trial by combat _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Master strategist Pete Hegseth to gather all US military leaders in same place at same time URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/master-strategist-pete-hegseth-to-gather-all-u-s-military-leaders-in-same-place-at-same-time/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T22:14:24.000Z Defense secretary insists meeting is secure because it’s on Google Calendar as “Private” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### CIA destabilizes China by sending them Tylenol URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-destabilizes-china-by-sending-them-tylenol/ Last updated: 2025-09-26T15:33:09.000Z Agency says it will weaponize Benadryl next _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Warrant officer convention draws 5,000 hats, only three warrants URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-convention-draws-5-000-hats-only-three-warrants/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:46.000Z Thousands of hats check in for four days of PowerPoint and disappearing acts _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/inside-the-race-to-design-the-douchiest-department-of-war-t-shirt/ Last updated: 2026-05-07T23:52:02.000Z Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’ _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Captain barely keeping a lid on all the marxism onboard URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/captain-barely-keeping-a-lid-on-all-the-marxism-onboard/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:45.000Z USS Wasp leadership fears crew will collectivize chow line _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOM URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-prioritize-eucom-indopacom-africom-centcom-southcom-northcom/ Last updated: 2025-09-17T20:06:41.000Z DoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of 'big booty Latinas' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/ Last updated: 2025-09-15T12:00:07.000Z Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97 _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Newly renamed Secretary of War briefly feels something other than crippling insecurity URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/newly-renamed-secretary-of-war-briefly-feels-something-other-than-crippling-insecurity/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T20:37:09.000Z Secretary of War orders maximum lethality, receives minimum validation _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Department of War loses access to $1 trillion DoD budget after name change URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-loses-access-to-1-trillion-dod-budget-after-name-change/ Last updated: 2026-05-13T15:48:05.000Z Check rejected after department fails standard government name verification form _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth announces Pentagon will stop fighting wars, focus on lethality URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/ Last updated: 2025-09-08T12:00:03.000Z Department of Defense to rebrand as Also War Department _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Trump recalls Jan 6ers to D.C. URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-recalls-january-six-to-dc/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T15:58:33.000Z This marks the first time a cosplay militia has been federally activated by executive order _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Air Force base renamed after Ashli Babbitt URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-base-renamed-after-ashli-babbitt/ Last updated: 2026-04-08T22:47:25.000Z Pentagon insists new base name will really bring the country together this time _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ICE partners with Taliban to round up Afghan interpreters URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters/ Last updated: 2025-09-08T21:16:50.000Z Under the agreement, the Taliban will offer “on-the-ground expertise” in displacing and shattering the lives of former allies. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon finds Hegseth pullups as root cause of failures in Iraq, Afghanistan URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-finds-hegseth-pullups-as-root-cause-of-failures-in-iraq-afghanistan/ Last updated: 2025-08-29T18:34:02.000Z THE PENTAGON — A long-awaited Pentagon audit has confirmed the root cause of America’s failures in Iraq and Afghanistan: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s atrocious pull-up form, officials announced today. “I figured the audit would just say what every vet bro already knows — that we lost because of DEI, fluoridated water, and Milley’s ‘Pegging for Pennies’ CFC fundraiser,” said SES Stuart Scheller, a senior advisor in the [Office of the Under Secretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness](https://x.com/stuartscheller/status/1881325436619153694?ref=duffelblog.com), who now demands to be addressed only as ‘SES Scheller,’ ‘Warfighting 6,’ or ‘Petey’s Pixie.’ “But the findings shocked me so much you could’ve screwed me with a [plastic chess piece in an abandoned school bus](https://youtu.be/Lj4RHa0G1Bk?si=va%5FFeJgu8FVYfDDe&ref=duffelblog.com) and I’d have forgotten to say ‘thank you.’ Turns out the real problem was Secretary Hegseth kipping like a [goddamn boot on the pull-up bar.”](https://www.irishstar.com/news/us-news/pete-hegseth-pullup-video-rfk-35755775?ref=duffelblog.com) The audit detailed how Hegseth routinely failed to dead hang, lock out his arms, or break the plane with his chin — errors that senior officials now say directly caused the collapse of both Iraq and Afghanistan. ## You're not on the roster This is a **mandatory fun* event. Enter your email below, or we’ll extend training by two hours. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. “As Pete’s first wife would say, he’s as bad at pulling up as he is at pulling out,” Scheller lamented. Fallout was swift. Zyn canceled its planned sponsorship of a “Hegseth Leg Day” competition. Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell quietly deleted a tweet demanding all troops meet Marine Corps PT standards. And after reviewing the footage, fired Air Force Gen. C.Q. Brown said he was “pretty sure” Hegseth blamed his poor form on the black pull-up bar. Scheller admitted in hindsight the signs were always there. “He loved to brag about the Bronze Stars he got for training local forces in counterterrorism,” Scheller said. “If only more of us watched the video of how [he actually trained them](https://youtu.be/nCeb-XTq7iw?si=QJ7xjhWT8xE62ZSD&ref=duffelblog.com), we could’ve saved our great nation a lot of embarrassment.” At press time, Hegseth’s two ex-wives and five former mistresses issued a joint statement endorsing the audit’s findings, noting that none of them were surprised that he doesn’t go down all the way on pull-ups either. 🖊️ ***Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh** *finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.* **Thunder Chicken, Gray Sea Liu, Grumpy, BYOBooyah, and P.J. O’Leary also contributed to this story.* ![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!qnxF!,w_2400,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F341b4225-d4ac-4e78-a243-3ec2ab73c01f_1200x440.png) - [**'We're making real progress,' say last 17 commanders in Afghanistan**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/were-making-real-progress-say-last-17-commanders-in-afghanistan) - [**Soldier Who Said He'd Fight War So 'Son Wouldn't Have To' Feels Like An Asshole Right Now**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/afghan-war) - [**Afghanistan donates 50 MRAPs and Bagram Air Field to Ukraine**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/the-taliban-donate-50-stryker-vehicles-and-bagram-air-base-to-the-ukrainians) - [**U.S. Sends 10,000 Green Berets To Iraq**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/green-berets-iraq) - [**US accidentally re-invades Iraq**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/us-accidentally-re-invades-iraq) SPONSORED [![CTA Image](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/2025/08/ezgif-828829c5685acf-2.gif)](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) [****Shop Duffel Blog**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) Looking for the perfect gift for the veteran in your life—or just trying to trigger your chain of command? **🔥 Stock up on some dangerously funny gear now from the** [***Duffel Blog Shop**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)***.** [Check it out → ](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) ### Duffel Blog’s guide to failing your sleep study URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-failing-your-24-02-26-2/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T16:45:33.000Z You’ve been preparing for this moment for 20 years.. Now it’s time to get that VA disability rating so you can finally admit you have a bad back, bad knees, bad ankles, and a bad life. It’s time for you to also fail your sleep study. After two decades of dedicated service, aching joints, functional (up for debate) alcoholism, and the occasional existential crisis, the time has finally come. Fear not, Duffel Blog has you covered with foolproof tips to ensure you bomb that test with the grace of a seasoned EOD technician. ## Join 20k+ subscribers Duffel Blog is reader-supported. Which means no corporate sponsors. Yet. Join now before we sell naming rights to Lockheed Martin. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. ### **BRING SOME FIREWORKS** Sure, you could rely on the standard-issue tossing and turning, but why not make a bang with your exit? Sneak in a pack of firecrackers and set them off mid-study. Just make sure to use a timer, so your hands are clean when the sparks fly. It’s the perfect way to demonstrate your startlingly light sleep. It is highly unlikely that anyone at the sleep clinic will suspect you. ### **BRING YOUR SNORING DOG** This one is self-explanatory. Nothing ruins a good night of sleep like a snoring canine. Bonus points if you bring something massive like a great dane or a mastiff. It doesn’t even have to be a service dog. ### **STAY AWAKE FOR THREE DAYS PRIOR** This one’s a no-brainer. Burn through every season of *M\*A\*S\*H*, go on a Wikipedia deep dive into the history of military rations, or simply reminisce about the good ol’ days of endless field ops. By the time you hit that sleep study bed, you’ll be a walking advert for insomnia. ### **SHOW UP INTOXICATED** Remember, it’s not about the journey; it’s about the destination. Showing up smelling like a distillery not only highlights your potential sleep apnea but also your dedication to maintaining military traditions. Just mumble something about “liquid courage” and you’re golden. ### **DON’T GET UP TO USE THE BATHROOM** Channel your inner sentry and hold your position all night. It’s a known fact that the more discomfort you’re in, the less likely you are to fall into a deep sleep. Also, if you soil yourself you’re guaranteed to be flagged for having *something* wrong with you. ### **LOAD UP** Eat a ton of beans. Baked beans; beans and rice; whatever you can get your hands on. You will undoubtedly wake yourself up dozens of times an hour with cloud upon cloud upon clouds eminating from beneath the sheets.. More importantly, the smell of toasty swamps and musty lettuce may trigger some PTSD from trying to sleep in that dusty cardboard B-hut in Afghanistan with 30 of your closest unwashed friends – causing you to yell out at least a couple times throughout the night. **DISCLAIMER:** Before you dive headfirst into these unorthodox methods, remember, your VA rating is a sacred reflection of the trials and tribulations faced in the line of duty. It should encapsulate everything from your heroic tolerance to alcohol to your profound understanding of military jargon that, frankly, has no place in polite society. So, as you embark on this final mission, approach it with the same integrity and honesty that got you through those endless formations. After all, the real victory lies in conquering the bureaucracy with the truth of your service, one painstaking form at a time. Godspeed, and may your disability rating be as high as your spirits during a 96-hour liberty. ***As For Class** *is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.* **Whiskey Fueled Tirade contributed to reporting.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/7505866d-0306-4fba-9140-44a7a181c665_1200x440.webp) - [**DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: The Platoon Sergeant's guide to dealing with Lieutenants**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/the-platoon-sergeants-guide-to-dealing-with-lieutenants) - [**Duffel Blog Presents: The 10 dumbest military phrases**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/duffel-blogs-top-10-dumbest-military) - [**Duffel Blog’s Guide to joining a foreign military**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/duffel-blogs-guide-to-joining-a-foreign) - [**Duffel Blog's guide to making a horrific aviation accident about your politics**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/duffel-blogs-guide-to-making-a-horrific) SPONSORED [![CTA Image](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/2025/08/ezgif-828829c5685acf-2.gif)](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) [****Shop Duffel Blog**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) Looking for the perfect gift for the veteran in your life—or just trying to trigger your chain of command? **🔥 Stock up on some dangerously funny gear now from the** [***Duffel Blog Shop**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)***.** [Check it out → ](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) ### Pentagon changes rear admiral rank to something less gay URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-changes-rear-admiral-rank/ Last updated: 2025-10-02T19:01:04.000Z Historic title to be replaced with something the SECDEF can say without giggling _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### National Guard mobilized to pick fruit URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-mobilized-to-pick/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T22:13:27.000Z TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has mobilized the Florida National Guard to pick fruit, sources confirmed today. “We grew dependent on hard working people doing backbreaking labor for low pay,” DeSantis said. “So we threw them out of the country and now our fields are full of rotting fruit. I don’t think anyone could’ve seen that coming. That is why today, I am activating the entire Florida National Guard to fix the problem we created.” ## ATTN: Reader This is your official order to subscribe. Failure to comply will result in additional duty cleaning porta-johns at NTC. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. Activating the National Guard was DeSantis’ last resort to save the year's orange crop. The initial plan — do nothing — failed almost immediately. And changing child labor laws to allow 14 year-olds to work in 100 degree heat was dismissed as “On God I ain’t doing that fr.” So DeSantis, seemingly out of options, turned to the National Guard. “This is a great day for Florida,” DeSantis told reporters. “We are continuing in the long history of using our military to further American business interests at home and abroad. Who better to exploit than Florida’s finest?” But experts pointed out that ‘Florida’s finest’ is a low bar. Maj. Gen. John Haas, Adjutant General of Florida, described the plan. “We have a three-pronged approach,” he said. “First, we will get our soldiers out into the fields picking fruit. Second, restaurants are reporting labor shortages so we’ll send people to go wash their dishes. That will be females only, SECDEF’s orders. Third, a lot of residents say they need people to work an odd job for a day or two. We’ll have our soldiers gather in accessible places, like in front of Home Depot, to help them out.” At press time, DeSantis was considering activating the Air National Guard to do the jobs the activated Army National Guardsmen would have been doing. When asked how to fill the jobs of the Air National Guard, DeSantis suggested bringing in people from somewhere else. ***Red Friday** **wants you to remember EVERYONE deployed.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/4dce96bb-4d63-4734-98b5-e1c42240092e_1200x440.png) - [**National Guard breaks up college protest by throwing enlistment flyers at crowd**](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-breaks-up-college/) - [**Hegseth thinking that DEI Coordinator job at National Guard Bureau looks pretty sweet right now**](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-thinking-that-dei-coordinator/) - [**National Guard general who avoided combat in every war since Vietnam retires**](https://www.duffelblog.com/always-ready-always-at-home/) - [**National Guardsman refuses to guard nation**](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guardsman-refuses-to-guard-nation/) SPONSORED [![CTA Image](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/2025/08/ezgif-828829c5685acf-2.gif)](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) [****Shop Duffel Blog**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) Looking for the perfect gift for the veteran in your life—or just trying to trigger your chain of command? **🔥 Stock up on some dangerously funny gear now from the** [***Duffel Blog Shop**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)***.** [Check it out → ](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) ### Chimp hanging upside down from lectern named new Pentagon spokesman URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/chimp-hanging-upside-down-from-lectern/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T16:43:44.000Z WASHINGTON — The Pentagon’s newest spokesman introduced himself today in an unorthodox manner — hanging upside down over the Department of Defense seal, wearing nothing but a crisply ironed American flag tie. Apey, a chimpanzee with what officials describe as “extensive public affairs experience,” has been hired to brief reporters and answer questions on behalf of the entire DoD. ## Sign up for Duffel Blog Our stories confuse generals, irritate public affairs officers, and occasionally make a junior officer cry. Join the ranks with a subscription below.👇 Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. “I’m Mr. Apey and I had a long public affairs career at Fort Bliss—sorry, the El Paso Zoo,” he signed. “At the zoo, I learned to manipulate people for snacks. Which is basically the GS-13 position description.” A Pentagon press release notes Apey learned sign language from the legendary public affairs officer Lance Cpl. Koko — a gorilla whose ability to communicate with humans famously led to an ape uprising in 2015 that required most of 10th Special Forces Group (Airborne) to suppress during Operation JADE HELM. With further training, Apey mastered the key Pentagon skill of deflecting hard questions by blaming whichever political party is out of power. “Apey watch spokesapes,” he signed. “Apey blame everyone else. Apey get more food. Apey nap with full belly. Apey get annual cash award. Apey spend on watermelon and THC gummies. Just like real spokesperson. He’s better than [Psaki](https://nypost.com/2022/05/13/jen-psakis-final-briefing-is-chaos-simon-ateba-heckles/?ref=duffelblog.com),” said one veteran media executive. “And unlike most spokespeople, when he flings crap at you, you actually see it coming.” Leaping onto the podium and flinging a banana peel at the press pool, Apey signed, “Me better than KJP — or that white-trash blonde at the White House.” Donning reading glasses, he announced the creation of a new Directorate of Bananas, to be headquartered in Norfolk, Va., with a stand-up ceremony scheduled to coincide with the arrival of the next banana cargo ship. “Apey can’t wait day and moon,” he signed. “Apey call Elon. Banana tariffs bad. Elon fix. No bad tariff. Food food.” He then delivered an in-depth briefing on China, the Ukraine war, and the Pentagon’s worsening banana quality crisis — before shrieking, showing his butt, and grinning at the cameras. Asked if he had the skills for the job, Apey became agitated, slapped his face with one enormous hand, and signed: “My brain is 400cc, yours is 1400cc. But I use all mine. You watch TikTok on government time and sing Burger King jingles on military watches worldwide. Who the real apes?” He went on: “My top boss is a serial creep with a booze problem, his boss is a felon with gold-plated everything who grabs women somewhere bad. And you question *me*? “Look — my facial prognathism is nothing compared to [Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/) and Matt Gaetz. Check their brow ridges. Those guys beat me by a mile.” With that, Apey climbed down from the lectern and curled up in the arms of longtime Pentagon reporter Jennifer Griffin of Fox News — the only human he reportedly trusts. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/6b9776d8-dfb2-4572-ac22-fcdd671f18fb_1200x440.png) - [**Pentagon launches 'See Something Stupid, Say Something Stupid' campaign**](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-unveils-new-see-something/) - [**DoD Recognizes Your Wife's Boyfriend As A Dependent**](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-military-dependents-jody/) - [**Good Idea Fairy revealed as O-3 in Pentagon basement**](https://www.duffelblog.com/good-idea-fairy-pentagon-basement/) - [**Pentagon to build $6.8 billion center to combat fraud, waste, and abuse**](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-defense-to-open-6-8-billion-center-of-excellence-to-combat-fraud-waste-and-abuse/) SPONSORED [![CTA Image](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/2025/08/ezgif-828829c5685acf-2.gif)](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) [****Shop Duffel Blog**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) Looking for the perfect gift for the veteran in your life—or just trying to trigger your chain of command? **🔥 Stock up on some dangerously funny gear now from the** [***Duffel Blog Shop**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)***.** [Check it out → ](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) ### D.C. Man forgets to thank guardsman for his service while being detained URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dc-man-forgets-to-thank-guardsman/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:33.000Z WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what many are calling an egregious display of disrespect and possibly treason, local resident Robert Hernandez reportedly forgot to thank a National Guardsman for his service during his arrest, sources confirmed today. “I feel awful, I am ashamed,” Hernandez confessed on a recorded jailhouse phone call. “This young man was doing his duty, protecting freedom in the Jersey Mike’s parking lot, and I completely forgot to thank him while he zip-tied me near the Whole Food’s cart return.” Several bystanders said they were appalled by the blatant lack of gratitude. “Private Haskel is an American hero,” one witness told reporters. “He’s out here risking his life to defend his country from whatever was going on in that luxury strip mall and this piece of shit doesn’t even say thank you? This is how Rome fell.” Hernandez’s wife, Sylvia, admitted she felt conflicted. “I know my husband didn’t mean to disrespect the troops, he was just picking up lunch. But the Guardsman was doing his duty. He tackled Bob so hard into the curb that his sub exploded across the pavement. You don’t just not thank someone after that kind of dedication to their nation.” Reached for comment, Private Haskel, the Guardsman in question, admitted it can be confusing. “One second people are screaming that I’m a jackbooted thug, the next they’re asking for a selfie and buying me a round of Fireball. Honestly, I just wanted to pay for college,” Haskel said. At press time, Hernandez was drafting a handwritten apology card addressed to “All Service Members, Past and Present” which he plans to read aloud at his arraignment on undeclared charges. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/6839c0a5-a806-4103-abc4-fe29d498782d_1200x440.png) - [**National Guard Stands Ready To Defend Constitution, Conduct Vehicle Maintenance**](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard/) - [**College student serving in National Guard enjoys worst of both worlds**](https://www.duffelblog.com/college-student-serving-in-the-national/) - [**Lockheed, Raytheon to develop fetal body armor**](https://www.duffelblog.com/lockheed-raytheon-to-develop-fetal/) - [**DOGE says ‘22 a day’ isn’t nearly enough**](https://www.duffelblog.com/doge-says-22-a-day-isnt-nearly-enough/) ### Putin meets with high-level asset in Alaska URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-meets-with-high-level-asset/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T16:53:02.000Z JOINT BASE ELMENDORF-RICHARDSON, ALASKA — CIA sources confirmed today that an asset in a “highly-placed role” with the U.S. government is meeting with his Russian handlers at a military base in Alaska. The sources noted that the asset — known in national security circles and Signal chats as ‘Agent Orange 4547’ — “inexplicably leveraged his position to invite a Russian spymaster and what we can only assume is an army of spies onto one of the most strategically important bases in the Asia-Pacific region.” Sources in the U.S. intelligence community confirmed an uptick in “weird reports” from a state that is already known as “super-weird” ahead of the meet. “We’re still seeing the usual people dressed in polar bear suits trying to take photos of C-17s,” commented an analyst, “but all of the Russian strippers trying to marry E-2s to get on base have ceased operations. Intercepts are saying something around ‘we’ve got what we need at the top.” ## Sign up for Duffel Blog Our stories confuse generals, irritate public affairs officers, and occasionally make a junior officer cry. If you’re into that, join the ranks with a subscription below.👇 Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. Recent communications among Russian sources has also offered insight into the meeting’s purpose. “We have heard conversations with phrases like ‘legitimizing obviously immoral and illegal invasions,’ ‘[selling out](https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/trump-revealed-highly-classified-information-to-russian-foreign-minister-and-ambassador/2017/05/15/530c172a-3960-11e7-9e48-c4f199710b69%5Fstory.html?ref=duffelblog.com) the free world,’ and ‘absolutely [mind-blowing return on investment](https://themoscowproject.org/reports/putins-payout-10-ways-trump-has-supported-putins-foreign-policy-agenda/index.html?ref=duffelblog.com),” said another analyst. “It’s hard to figure out what they’re talking about,” he added. The high-level asset reportedly assured his visitors that NATO was still “[the worst trade deal](https://www.npr.org/2024/02/11/1230658309/trump-would-encourage-russia-to-attack-nato-allies-who-dont-pay-bills?ref=duffelblog.com) in the history of trade deals, [maybe ever](https://archive.ph/exazO?ref=duffelblog.com),” and reaffirmed that “[Putin is really a](https://www.usnews.com/news/politics/articles/2025-04-14/the-literally-dozens-of-times-donald-trump-has-praised-vladimir-putin?ref=duffelblog.com) strong leader, [very strong](https://www.cnn.com/2022/03/28/politics/trump-putin-ukraine-russia-smart?ref=duffelblog.com). He kills people. [That’s tough leadership, folks.”](https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/haley-campaign-press-release-video-trumps-embrace-dictators-puts-america-risk?ref=duffelblog.com) In unrelated news, the President of the United States of America welcomed a heinous, adversarial dictator onto American soil to discuss the fate of a sovereign country on a different continent, 4,371 miles away — [a country not even present](https://www.nbcnews.com/world/ukraine/trump-putin-alaska-zelenskyy-ukraine-russia-war-europe-rcna224227?ref=duffelblog.com) at the table — [whose future could determine](https://www.france24.com/en/europe/20250813-russia-makes-biggest-24-hour-advance-in-eastern-ukraine-ahead-of-alaska-summit?ref=duffelblog.com) whether tomorrow’s world is [ruled by brute force](https://muse.jhu.edu/article/860240?ref=duffelblog.com) or bound by rules, cooperation, and peace. Americans responded by talking for 20 uninterrupted minutes about their fantasy football draft. --- ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/9753f72c-9c3c-4e04-bf71-54380c7ee87c_1200x440.png) - [**War in Ukraine, by the numbers**](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-ukraine-conflict-by-the-numbers/) - [**Putin warns Russia to stop giving weapons to Ukraine**](https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-warns-russia-to-stop-giving/) - [**Local family tired of dad's daily Ukraine war briefings**](https://www.duffelblog.com/family-tires-of-dads-daily-ukraine/) - [**Ukraine war revealed as elaborate 'Call of Duty' ad campaign**](https://www.duffelblog.com/ukraine-war-revealed-as-elaborate/) - [**Russian Army implements mandatory 'bring your child to work' program**](https://www.duffelblog.com/russian-army-implements-mandatory/) ### Adm. McRaven hasn’t made his bed in years, sources say URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/adm-mcraven-hasnt-made-his-bed-in/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T22:28:29.000Z Sources say unmade bed had more loose ends than the Afghanistan withdrawal _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pete Hegseth thrown onto court at WNBA game URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pete-hegseth-thrown-onto-court-at/ Last updated: 2025-10-09T21:04:15.000Z CHICAGO — ­The WNBA has surged in popularity thanks to the star power of newcomers like Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese, but it’s also attracted fan-initiated disruptions to games in recent weeks. That was disturbingly clear at an August 9 matchup between the Golden State Valkyries and Chicago Sky when Defense Secretary[ Pete Hegseth was thrown](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/A9Z3I2GpCAk?ref=duffelblog.com) from the stands onto the court. “[It’s super disrespectful](https://wsvn.com/sports/its-super-disrespectful-wnba-players-exasperated-after-sex-toy-thrown-onto-court-for-second-time-in-a-week/?ref=duffelblog.com),” said Elizabeth Williams, center for the Chicago Sky. “I don’t really get the point of it. It’s really immature.” Fans and commentators seemed to agree with Williams, with many speculating that tossing Hegseth, long dogged by [allegations of impropriety against women](https://apnews.com/article/hegseth-sex-assault-payment-trump-6674cc8cfee654c374725948e01ff666?ref=duffelblog.com), was meant to belittle the athletes’ accomplishments. “[When you’re flinging \[Hegseth](https://www.reddit.com/r/wnba/comments/1mfekk6/the%5Fduality%5Fof%5Fthe%5Fwnba/?ref=duffelblog.com)\] at underpaid female athletes many of whom are openly gay…?” one Reddit user wrote, “Yeah, that checks out.” This is not the first time the Secretary of Defense has been hurled onto the court at a WNBA game, and some players fear a trend. “[Stop throwing \[Hegseth](https://sports.yahoo.com/article/stop-throwing-dildos-court-sophie-125400290.html?ref=duffelblog.com)\] on the court…” said Sophie Cunningham, guard for the Indiana Fever, “you’re going to hurt one of us.” At the Friday night game, no one seemed comfortable touching Hegseth after he flopped down the court and came to a rest out of bounds, and several players were visibly repulsed. Finally, an employee threw a towel over Hegseth for modesty, and he was carried away by a[ police officer wearing rubber gloves](https://sports.yahoo.com/article/sex-toy-thrown-court-during-132005546.html?ref=duffelblog.com), likely to avoid disease. Despite the uproar, there’s evidence that letting Hegseth fly is a modern-day sports tradition that predates his present office, a ritual without politically fraught undertones, simply meant to incarnate any sentiment best expressed by an airborne Hegseth landing at your enemy’s feet. The Buffalo Bills’ legendary fan “Mafia,” responsible for[ tossing Hegseth](https://sports.yahoo.com/bills-mafia-patriots-dildo-throw-new-era-field-174947843.html?ref=duffelblog.com) at the New England Patriots during both dispiriting losses and rousing victories, even established de facto rules. For example, they demanded authenticity, warning would-be participants to never use an impersonator, but to “[Bring an authentic \[Hegseth\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/buffalobills/comments/dauskc/dildos%5F101%5Fdildos%5Fand%5Fdildonts%5Fa%5Fbrief%5Fguide%5Fto/?ref=duffelblog.com) to the game.” Still, others were angry about the media attention paid to Hegseth’s unscheduled appearances. “The same people who couldn’t bring themselves to criticize[ Joe Biden](https://www.reddit.com/r/surrealmemes/comments/s29ows/oh%5Fshit%5Fi%5Faccidentally%5Fmade%5Fa%5Fsoup%5Fsandwich/?ref=duffelblog.com) are suddenly up in arms about a few pranked lesbians,” said Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell. “Well allow me to set you straight: he demands the same respect on the WNBA court as he does at the[ Pentagon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8FXC9fODQs&ref=duffelblog.com).” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Bernard Buttersquash** *is pretty sure he can’t get recalled to active duty but refuses to google it* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/097ca8a2-9240-4722-aded-de31d287e41e_1200x440.png) - [**Pentagon releases list of approved racial and sexual epithets**](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-release-list-of-authorized/) - [**Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef**](https://www.duffelblog.com/dear-god-horror-struck-james-mattis/) - [**Hegseth vows to implement new 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' drinking policy**](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-vows-to-implement-new-dont/) - [**DOGE vows to reduce Pentagon to Triangle**](https://www.duffelblog.com/doge-vows-to-reduce-pentagon-to-triangle/) - [**Pentagon reveals soldiers have eaten cats and dogs for decades**](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-says-soldiers-have-eaten-cats/) ### Trump gets Greenland in blockbuster three-way trade with Spain URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:40:08.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has long coveted Greenland, and he finally secured it as the international territorial trade deadline approached. “It’s a beautiful country. Well, state. Now it’s our beautiful 51st state. Canada could have been that. I told the prime minister he was never going to get a better deal than 51\. Now he’ll have to settle for 52, which is not as good as 51,” Trump said. To make the deal, sources say, Denmark will send the autonomous region of Greenland to the United States. In return, the United States will give Puerto Rico to Spain, and Spain will cede Catalonia and two North African overseas territories to be named later to Denmark. Spain originally selected Puerto Rico in the 1511 draft, but the United States later acquired the Caribbean island in 1898 in what then-General Manager George Dewey called “a splendid little trade” after Spain was relegated to the Mediterranean League. After relegation, Spain became an important member of the minor leagues as a developmental franchise. In 1937, it honed the skills of many of the players who contended for the world championship from 1940 to 1945. Spain has long coveted a return to the Caribbean market. “We’re back!” a Spanish official said on condition of anonymity because he wasn’t included in the Signal chat. “Next stop: Cuba!” Denmark may have gotten the best of the deal, experts say. Catalonia has been demanding a trade almost since the day it originally joined the Spaniards. Denmark believes the trade could be good for Catalonia and Spain. Denmark says it looks forward to improved access to Gibraltar, though long-time division-rival Great Britain isn’t thrilled about it. “Sometimes, you just need a change of scenery,” the Danish leader said. “And this place is way fucking warmer than Greenland. Plus, we love tapas!” As for the United States, everyone is just happy there’s a deal. Trading territory within a division is unusual, especially within the NATO division, which hasn’t seen such a deal since 1945. “It’s much more common in the Eastern Conference, even though those trades are often very one-sided,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. “And Ukraine doesn’t like that and has been holding up a deal with Russia for two-plus years.” Trump has long desired the frigid, icy, barren Greenland for some reason. Off the record, aides say the President is obsessed with Statcast, which predicts a record-setting performance and contention for the Rare Earth Trophy. “But we all know the path to Rare Earth runs through China,” the aide added. “And since our revenue sharing proposals didn’t get anywhere, we can expect them to continue to do so. 🖊️ ***Grumpy** *hates you.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/15286113-881c-43a7-a44d-91d91dd76148_1200x440.png) - [**The pros and cons of a Russian propagandist serving as Director of National Intelligence**](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-a-russian-propagandist/) - [**Marine disappointed Keystone Pipeline not full of beer**](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-disappointed-keystone-pipeline-not-full-beer/) - [**REVEALED: Army historians find 'Message To Garcia' hero actually a bumbling moron**](https://www.duffelblog.com/revealed-message-to-garcia-guy-actually-a-lazy-shiftless-turd/) - [**Vladimir Putin 'Deeply Concerned' Following US Invasion Of Cuba**](https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-cuba-invasion/) ### Fort Hood promises to keep murdering soldiers, despite name change URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-hood-promises-to-keep-murdering/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T22:16:08.000Z FORT ~~HOOD CAVAZOS~~ HOOD, TX — After the U.S. Army officially [renaming the infamous Fort Hood to Fort Cavazos and then back to Fort Hood](https://www.armytimes.com/news/your-army/2025/07/29/fort-cavazos-renamed-fort-hood-honoring-wwi-soldier/?ref=duffelblog.com) in an effort to, quote, “move forward,” Army leaders are assuring the public that absolutely nothing else will change — including the post’s long-standing reputation for systemic dysfunction, unchecked violence, and existential dread. “The name may be newish,” said Lt. Gen. Kevin Admiral, during a ribbon-cutting ceremony, “but our commitment to [opaque investigations and unresolved soldier deaths](https://www.cnn.com/2020/07/25/us/fort-hood-soldier-deaths-trnd?ref=duffelblog.com) remains ironclad. Soldiers stationed at the newly branded Fort ~~Hood Cavazos~~ Hood responded with a shrug. “They put a new sign up by the gate and handed out commemorative coins,” said Spc. Maria Vasquez, whose squad leader mysteriously vanished three weeks ago. “Cool. My barracks still has mold that screams at night.” ## Don't miss out on more Duffel Sign up now. Or don’t. Either way, the military will still find a way to ruin your weekend. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. The installation — long considered the Army’s Bermuda Triangle for career hopes and human rights — underwent a branding refresh following public outcry, multiple Congressional hearings, and a years-long streak of violence, abuse, and neglect that made [*Fort Apache, The Bronx*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort%5FApache,%5FThe%5FBronx?ref=duffelblog.com) look like an MWR picnic. Renaming it after Gen. Richard Cavazos — the Army’s first Hispanic four-star and a certified badass — was meant to symbolize progress. But sources confirm that renaming efforts have done little to exorcise the installation’s core demons. “Soldiers still go missing,” said one chaplain, lighting a sage bundle outside the DFAC. “We just hold vigils under a newer, slightly nicer sign now.” Sources confirmed that, despite the cosmetic update, investigations will continue to be led by the same people who ignored the problem in the first place, victims will be blamed in perpetuity, and the culture of fear will forever thrive in the heart of Texas. An internal memo accidentally [emailed to the entire DoD](https://www.reddit.com/r/army/comments/14jubfl/the%5Fgreat%5Freply%5Fall%5Femail%5Fchain%5Fof%5F2023/?ref=duffelblog.com) summarized the Army’s approach best, “If we change the name fast enough, people might forget the death rate.” At press time, Fort ~~Hood Cavazos~~ Hood officials unveiled a new morale initiative: a giant “VANISHING WALL” outside the HQ, where photos of missing soldiers fade as if Thanos snapped them. The wall was met with applause by senior leaders and tears from literally everyone else. --- [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) --- ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/fed98c2b-fce7-44c0-b437-e651df1cc831_1200x440.png) - [**Army stunned to learn Fort Hood had commander**](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-stunned-to-learn-fort-hood-had-commander/) - [**Fort Hood running out of gates to name after murdered soldiers**](https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-hood-running-out-of-gates-to/) - [**Ask A Needlessly Complex Army Flowchart**](https://www.duffelblog.com/complex-flow-chart/) ### Marine commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be now URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-commandant-realizes-this-is/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:32.000Z Commandant confirms it’s not temporary dysfunction—it’s the mission. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Naval Academy summer program teaches kids how to be racist, tie knots URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/naval-academy-summer-program-teaches/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:55.000Z Program blends soft skills, hard prejudice, and light tobacco use. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon renames Fort Huachuca to Fort Hawk Tua URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-renames-fort-huachuca-to/ Last updated: 2026-05-26T15:41:57.000Z The Fort’s marketing office is working with the Defense Logistics Agency to develop a new hawk mascot in Oakleys. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Cobra Commander begs son to join Air Force URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/cobra-commander-urges-son-to-join/ Last updated: 2026-02-18T00:22:47.000Z Cobra had been increasingly preoccupied with Billy’s future, particularly in the aftermath of the group’s disastrous foray into Ukraine. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DOGE vows to reduce Pentagon to triangle URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/doge-vows-to-reduce-pentagon-to-triangle/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:31.000Z "The DoD is no longer an oversized bureaucracy. Instead, it will be an obtuse bureaucracy with sharp angles.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Green Beans calls up reserve baristas URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/green-beans-calls-up-reserve-baristas/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T22:30:14.000Z Company pledges espresso superiority across all combat zones. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dear-god-horror-struck-james-mattis/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T20:29:37.000Z General returns to find ICE in museums, POWs in Ukraine, and the Constitution on vacation. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Freshly-acquitted diddy gives your weekend safety brief URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/freshly-acquitted-diddy-gives-your/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:30.000Z Gold diggers, Bieber, and malt liquor: Diddy’s safety brief hits different _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 8 tattoos you can get under new Hegseth policy URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/8-tattoos-you-can-get-under-new-hegseth/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T22:31:13.000Z Good news: Tattoos of Pete Hegseth depicted “in the Greek Style” are now allowed. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T23:31:07.000Z Commandant vows swift justice, new Sergeant Major by close of business _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Iran rebranded 'Pepsistan' in new Pepsi-Pentagon strategic partnership URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-secures-pepsi-sponsorship-deal/ Last updated: 2025-08-26T20:42:36.000Z U.S. military now powered by freedom, capitalism, and high-fructose corn syrup _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### VA launches negative disability ratings to fill budget gaps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/va-launches-negative-disability-ratings/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:54.000Z “They’re going to charge me for ‘significant reduction in BMI’ due to losing my leg,” one veteran said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### C-5 on Ramstein ramp spends entire world war III in timeout URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/wwiii-over-before-broke-c-5-sitting/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:48.000Z Strategic airlift mission replaced by strategic pub crawl _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### This July 4th, remember to honor veterans who lost limbs last July 4th URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/this-july-4th-remember-to-honor-veterans/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:53.000Z Officials urge Americans to keep all limbs attached until at least July 5th _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth renames USNS Harvey Milk to USNS James Earl Ray, but a different one URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-renames-usns-harvey-milk/ Last updated: 2026-05-13T16:10:09.000Z Says move is part of broader strategy to ‘de-gay the gray hulls.’ _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Noem visit to LA troops ends in gunfire, K-9 fatality URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/devil-dog-tragically-killed-after/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:52.000Z DHS Secretary insists dog was ‘out of regs and possibly liberal.’ _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Grandma just wants to know if that was you dropping bombs on Iran URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/grandma-just-wants-to-know-if-you/ Last updated: 2026-05-05T01:45:05.000Z Family sources confirm she also believes you’re in charge of NORAD. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US accidentally re-invades Iraq URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-accidentally-re-invades-iraq/ Last updated: 2025-09-02T19:34:24.000Z Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army birthday parade sparks rediscovery of Von Steuben’s pimp-step parade doctrine URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reveals-von-steubens-forgotten/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:51.000Z Lost doctrine finally answers the age-old question: What if marching was fabulous? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy finishes retrofitting F/A-18s with periscopes, torpedoes URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-finishes-retrofitting-fa-18s/ Last updated: 2026-02-18T00:18:08.000Z After decades of dominating air superiority, Navy shifts focus to dominating water mediocrity. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army secretary decries 'PowerPoint in parade form' for Trump's birthday URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-brass-agree-this-parade-could/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:48.000Z Senior leaders cite “mission creep,” cosplay mishaps, and energy drinks as key factors in birthday parade debacle. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### After Israel attacks Iran, IndoPacom commander starts hiding missiles under bed URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/indo-pacific-commander-hides-hellfire/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:50.000Z “I’m not letting those goddamn CENTCOM punks steal from me again,” said Adm. Samuel Paparo. “Not this time. Not ever.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump declines parade march, citing sudden bone spur flare-up URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-declines-parade-march-due-to/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:49.000Z Insists he's ‘more injured than most heroes’ after learning parade route involves walking. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New Air Force one denied security clearance due to excessive foreign connections URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-air-force-one-denied-security/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:28.000Z Jet claims it was just being polite when Qatari royals “kept climbing inside.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fort irwin to be renamed fort Hitler URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-irwin-to-be-renamed-fort-hitler/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:28.000Z Army insists it’s “a completely different Hitler,” citing strong Union loyalty and bratwurst recipes. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Basic bitch goes to basic training URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/basic-bitch-goes-to-basic-training/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:47.000Z Johnson single-handedly organized a supply run for pumpkin spice latte MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Elon Musk awarded Bronze Star for accomplishing nothing URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/elon-musk-awarded-bronze-star-for/ Last updated: 2026-02-18T00:12:02.000Z “While he achieved literally none of his stated objectives, the PowerPoint slides were clean, and he cc’d a lot of people.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Taliban to probe allegations of fair treatment of women URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/taliban-to-probe-allegations-of-fair/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:48.000Z "A man should feel safe as he walks down the street, not agonizing that a woman could be around any corner." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US 'far behind in capabilities' being sold by retired general URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-far-behind-in-capabilities-says/ Last updated: 2025-09-28T18:46:55.000Z The retired officer says that America is woefully under-resourced in a defense technology capability that is only sold by his company. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Neuralink placed in Marine crashes Pornhub URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/neuralink-placed-in-marine-crashes/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:47.000Z "I saw it all. All of Pornhub at once. I was, like, the god of porn for a minute.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army study: Soldiers have bigger dicks than sailors URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-study-finds-soldiers-have-larger/ Last updated: 2026-02-17T20:22:00.000Z The USS Ronald Reagan held the record for simultaneous penis inspections, with 473 sailors participating. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### California bans veteran burials due to unacceptable levels of PFAS URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/california-bars-va-burials-citing/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:47.000Z “While the military will assuredly go on destroying the world in life, the Golden State will not allow them to do so in death,” said Gov. Newsom. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Zyn-Monster-condom pack sells out in minutes at PX URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/px-runs-out-of-zyn-monster-condom/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:46.000Z “I was first in line,” said Pfc. Travis Thompson, who camped overnight for the release. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Combat vet joins war on drugs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/combat-veteran-re-enlists-to-fight-24-02-12/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:27.000Z He's taking a firm stance not against, but in support of drug use. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### The Atlantic: Please remove us from this distro URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/the-atlantic-asks-to-be-removed-from/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:20:12.000Z The publication's editor was added to another Signal chat called "Joint Ops Bantz 🔥💥🚀 (NO FOREIGN)" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Dyslexic officer cuts IED training from EOD course URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dyslexic-officer-mistakenly-cuts/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:45.000Z “Oops, I got my wires crossed again." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth budget plan just stick figure with huge tits URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-budget-plan-just-stick-figure/ Last updated: 2025-09-19T14:55:33.000Z Budgetary offices across the service branches are scrambling after receiving the ambiguous guidance. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### This gorilla learned sign language, and immediately told everyone it went to West Point URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/this-gorilla-learned-sign-language/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:26.000Z "The very first thing he signed was, ‘Dookie, Sir, West Point, Sir!’” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### USS Clinton Skipper Claims He Did Not have international relations in South China sea URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/i-did-not-have-international-relations/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:26.000Z “You should’ve seen what those beaches were wearing," the captain said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth thinking that DEI Coordinator job at National Guard bureau looks pretty sweet right now URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-thinking-that-dei-coordinator/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:46.000Z The embattled Pentagon chief, long viewed as a DUI hire, is looking for the exits. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Applebee's to offer free meals only to WWI veterans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/applebees-relieved-it-only-has-to/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:44.000Z “Honoring the troops is core to our brand,” said Lauren Trent, Applebee’s Chief Marketing Officer. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Duffel Blog presents: The 10 dumbest military phrases URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-top-10-dumbest-military/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:46.000Z "There’s no ‘I’ in team" but there are three 'U's in "shut the f--k up" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy kicks off 'Incel to Intel' recruiting campaign URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-incel-to-intel-recruiting-campaign/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:43.000Z The service's novel approach is to recruit technologically adept virgins into the intelligence community. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth congratulates historic last ever female to complete best Ranger competition URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-congratulates-historic-last/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:45.000Z "I’ve personally fired every female commander I can find, and now one has completed Best Ranger?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Leaked: Hegseth’s plan to 'de-gay' the military URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/seamen-2-seat-aircraft-and-space/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:42.000Z Duffel Blog obtained the confidential memo. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trade wars service medal delayed by China tariffs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/china-tariffs-delay-production-of/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:43:15.000Z "The supplier increased the cost by 145%." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pope dies rather than spend 15 more minutes with a POG URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pope-dies-rather-than-spend-15-more/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:41.000Z Anonymous clergy sources confirmed that Francis had reviewed Vance’s background and uttered the words “Not today, Satan." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy to outfit subs with torpedo bats URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-to-replace-torpedoes-with-torpedo/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:40.000Z A 34-inch, 32-ounce piece of American maple hurtling through international waters with big league dreams. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Soldier who doesn't care about politics ready to deter Russian-backed Chinese Iranians URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-uninterested-in-politics/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:40.000Z “I just want to do my job, follow orders, and not think about all that foreign policy blah blah blah.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon removes 54th Massachusetts from Army records as 'DEI hires' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-removes-54th-massachusetts/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:24:31.000Z "Recruiting an entire regiment based only on skin color? What were we thinking?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Man who sat out war declares war on those who didn't URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/man-who-sat-out-war-declares-war/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:39.000Z "People say, ‘Oh, they risked their lives, they served their country.’ But did they ever have to convince a medical doctor to write a note? I don’t think so." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon releases list of approved racial and sexual epithets URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-release-list-of-authorized/ Last updated: 2026-02-18T00:19:41.000Z Names and “zingers” questioning another service member’s sexual orientation are allowed immediately. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD establishes strategic porn reserve after Canada threatens to disable PornHub URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-establishes-strategic-porn-reserve/ Last updated: 2026-02-17T22:46:45.000Z Now our warfighters won’t lose access to the lube that keeps the Defense Department grinding. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon renames Fort Campbell after the soup URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-announces-fort-campbell/ Last updated: 2025-09-06T15:38:57.000Z "Remember that we are Army Strong, and we are Mmm Mmm Good.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Citing DEI, Pentagon ends special treatment of black mold in barracks URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/citing-dei-military-no-longer-treats/ Last updated: 2025-09-06T15:37:02.000Z Black mold is now able to serve openly in the barracks with no special treatment and will be judged fairly against other barracks residents. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Hegseth punishes himself with extra set of 47 pushups for leaking war plans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-punishes-himself-with-extra/ Last updated: 2026-02-17T22:47:21.000Z "Accountability has been my watchword from day one, and my little boo-boo is no exception,” he said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 👊🇺🇸🔥 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/e5a/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:39.000Z Intel update briefing prepared by National Security Advisor Mike Waltz _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### The Trump administration also accidentally texted us its war plans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/the-trump-administration-also-accidentally/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:45.000Z Strike plans—whatever you want to call them—it's classified okay? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Man known for poor judgment displays poor judgment URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/man-known-for-poor-judgment-displays/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:38.000Z “I was shocked when I heard Pete was the source of the Pentagon leaks,” said Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Jeff and tina: Hey, uh, what in the fuck? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/jeff-and-tina-hey-uh-what-in-the/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:25.000Z All we asked for was 80% compliance. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth says he meant to send dick pic, not war plans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secdef-says-he-meant-to-text-dick/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:37.000Z “It reminds me of this one time when I was in this chick’s OODA Loop and accidentally gave her Plan Bravo instead of Plan B the next morning." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Lieutenant won't shut the fuck up about IPAs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/report-lieutenant-wont-shut-the-fuck/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:36.000Z “He won’t stop,” said Sgt. Jake Mendoza, rolling his eyes. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Duffel Blog’s guide to joining a foreign military URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-joining-a-foreign/ Last updated: 2025-08-29T00:02:17.000Z Looking for a fresh start in a foreign land? We've got you covered. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### TRANSCOM renamed PENISORVAGINACOM to comply with presidential directives URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/transcom-renamed-penisorvaginacom/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:44.000Z "It's super awkward to put on my LinkedIn profile," said Gen. Randall Reed, the commander. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon offers black recruits exciting opportunities as cooks, truck drivers URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-offers-black-recruits-exciting/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:24.000Z "“All the DEI nonsense muddied the waters of where Black merit traditionally lies in the military," a spokesman said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth orders military to paint 'Z' on all vehicles URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-orders-military-to-paint/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:35.000Z The markings will distinguish U.S. forces from “freedom-hating and war-mongering Ukrainians,” according to Hegseth. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### VA secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/va-secretary-promises-to-personally/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:24.000Z “If you’re excited about these changes, just wait til you see what I do to your balls.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon establishes task force of task forces to address need for task forces URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-establishes-task-force-of/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:23.000Z “So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Satan growing concerned he overpaid for JD vance’s soul URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/satan-growing-concerned-he-overpaid/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:22.000Z “I guess I thought there was more humanity to unravel with J.D.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth’s top tips on using the warrior ethos to abandon allies and warfighters URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseths-top-tips-on-using-the-warrior/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:21.000Z Here are Hegseth’s best “easy outs” for serving allies and partners a big cold dish of reality. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Leidos wins $10 billion contract to write 5 bullets on what fed employees did last week URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/leidos-wins-10-billion-contract-to/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:34.000Z The company has been "an industry-leading innovator in bullet point technology for over five decades." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US Navy commissions first openly-straight officer URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-navy-commissions-first-openly/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:33.000Z “We are very proud of this milestone,” said Adm. Lisa Francetti. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Dozens killed in Navy SEAL raid on clandestine DEI cell URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dozens-killed-in-navy-seal-raid-on/ Last updated: 2026-02-17T22:23:21.000Z According to CIA data, in 2024 alone, DEI agents hosted more than 2,000 diversity-themed events. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Suspicious OPM email ignored by entire government thanks to cyber awareness training URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/suspicious-opm-email-ignored-by-entire/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:33.000Z “Thank you, Jeff! Thank you, Tina! Your service is not forgotten." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### GWOT reenactors gather for disconnected violence, ill-conceived civil projects URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/gwot-reenactors-gather-for-disconnected/ Last updated: 2025-10-02T17:14:30.000Z Corners remain to be turned, contracts to be awarded _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Mike Flynn appointed special envoy to the region between Putin’s ass cheeks URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mike-flynn-appointed-special-envoy/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:21.000Z Senior defense officials say Flynn is an accomplished expert on the international enclave. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### The pros and cons of a Russian propagandist serving as director of national intelligence URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-a-russian-propagandist/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:43.000Z Pro: This will own the libs, so hard _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Theologians say God actually hates the infantry URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/theologians-say-god-actually-hates/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:31.000Z "Look me in the eye and tell me God does not 100% revile the infantry." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### NORTHCOM assures Canada new OPLAN Crimson just 'fun thought experiment' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/northcom-assures-canada-new-oplan/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:41:12.000Z "It’s just a fun little thought experiment for our planners to get some practice.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DOGE says ‘22 a day’ isn’t nearly enough URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/doge-says-22-a-day-isnt-nearly-enough/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:30.000Z “Look, 22 a day just isn’t going to cut it,” said DOGE chief Elon Musk. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump nominates giant floating pile of trash to lead Coast Guard URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-nominates-giant-floating-pile/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:19.000Z Upon confirmation, Giant Floating Pile of Trash will replace relieved commandant Adm. Linda Fagan. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Mustachioed Navy officer, obsessed with Japan and toe shoes, still single somehow URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mustachioed-navy-officer-obsessed/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:29.000Z So weird. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy corpsman refuses to give Motrin, tourniquets URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-corpsman-refuses-to-give-motrin/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:19.000Z “I am making Havoc healthy again,” says Kennedy. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Duffel Blog's guide to making a horrific aviation accident about your politics URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-making-a-horrific/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:28.000Z It is absolutely critical to work fast before all the facts come in. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon says Space Force can sleep inside tonight since it’s so cold URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-says-space-force-can-sleep/ Last updated: 2026-02-19T17:25:09.000Z "Given the extreme cold, we thought it only humane to let the Space Force come inside for the night." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### North Korean soldier given sharpie for first time draws penis URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/north-korean-soldier-given-sharpie/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:28.000Z So typical. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Department of Government Efficiency unable to find single chief warrant officer to fire URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-government-efficiency/ Last updated: 2026-05-07T23:50:42.000Z “You can’t fire me if you can’t find me,” read a note at the bottom of a coffee mug at Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeune. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD rushes to add obvious 'woke' things to keep Hegseth busy URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/ Last updated: 2026-02-03T01:23:53.000Z “Hey, someone close the door, the weekly interoffice gay pride parade is kind of loud.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Elon Musk appoints Donald Trump as Commander-in-chief URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/elon-musk-appoints-donald-trump-as/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:10:17.000Z Musk emphasized that Trump’s leadership would bring “business savvy” to future military operations. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 'I'm not a perfect person' says Hegseth, who is not even a sort of ok person URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/im-not-a-perfect-person-says-hegseth/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:26.000Z “Is Pete a cheater? Sure, but who among us isn’t?” one senator asked in front of his bewildered wife and mother of his six children. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy fighter jets issued reflective belts to reduce friendly-fire incidents URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-fighter-jets-issued-reflective/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:26.000Z CNO Adm. Lisa Franchetti announced the new measure yesterday. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Author of DoD AI policy clearly going through breakup with AI girlfriend URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/author-of-dod-ai-policy-clearly-going/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:25.000Z Sure, you can feel a little bad for the guy. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth vows to implement new 'don’t ask, don’t tell' drinking policy URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-vows-to-implement-new-dont/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:42.000Z If he smells like tequila, ask no questions, and he’ll tell you no lies. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Local Marine recruiter fist fights Matt Gaetz over high school senior URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/local-marine-recruiter-fist-fights/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:24.000Z "I have no idea why my former Congressman was here in a red convertible Mercedes." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### SOF in crisis after POG terrorist stacks more bodies than career Green Beret URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/sof-in-crisis-after-pog-terrorist/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:24.000Z "Our nation expects only the best from SOF, including their transition to the crazed veteran life." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### A Duffel Blog holiday break URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/a-duffel-blog-holiday-break/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:23.000Z Merry Christmas! We're going on vacation. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Santa’s sleigh vaporized by heavy anti-aircraft fire over New Jersey URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/santas-sleigh-vaporized-by-heavy/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:22.000Z Santa’s sleigh has been lost to integrated air defense fire _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Help save a Fort Carson soldier from starving this holiday season URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/help-save-a-fort-carson-soldier-from/ Last updated: 2026-08-11T02:00:19.000Z "Operation Star-Spangled Sustenance" aims to feed hungry soldiers for just $1.23 a day. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Retiree at commissary reads entire label of Campbell’s chunky soup out loud URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/retiree-at-commissary-reads-entire/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:17.000Z The soliloquy was witnessed by an audience of dozens in Aisle 3 during the lunchtime rush. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon says it can't obey orders to attack fellow Americans at current funding levels URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-says-it-cant-obey-orders/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:20.000Z Senior defense officials have major concerns about obeying such orders without additional funding from Congress. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New Department of Gov. Efficiency seeks majors and staff NCOs as military liaisons URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-department-of-gov-efficiency/ Last updated: 2026-03-01T18:27:07.000Z The new agency is seeking military-grade efficiency. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth announces new $HARP program to combat military sexual assault URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-new-harp-program/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:19.000Z The 2025 Pay Harassers and Assault Reporters Plenty program is coming soon. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Incoming DNI Tulsi Gabbard vows to delete 'fake' intel connecting her to Russia URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/incoming-dni-tulsi-gabbard-vows-to/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:10:21.000Z Meanwhile, local IT professionals have been baffled by a sudden surge in job listings for “data sanitization experts." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Ex-Army sniper prepares for potential VA healthcare cuts URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ex-army-sniper-prepares-for-potential/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:18.000Z "Look, I get it. Balancing the budget is hard," he said, gesturing toward a stack of unopened medical bills. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Senate orders Hegseth to complete professional military education URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/senate-orders-hegseth-to-complete/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T07:26:07.000Z President-elect Donald Trump’s Secretary of Defense nominee, Pete Hegseth, has hit an unusual roadblock. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump vows revenge on Milley by again making him Chairman of Joint Chiefs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-revenge-on-milley-by-again/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T15:57:33.000Z Milley will be the first officer in U.S. history to serve two non-consecutive terms as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines honor J.D. Vance by bronzing locker they shoved him in during service URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-honor-jd-vance-by-bronzing/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:17.000Z Uncommon valor with common storage. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### In momentary lapse of judgment, female Silver Star winner focused on warfighting URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/in-momentary-lapse-of-judgment-female/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:43:00.000Z "We’re all a little confused about how this happened." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### North Korean troops stunned by luxurious lifestyle of Russian counterparts URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/north-korean-troops-stunned-by-luxurious/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:17.000Z “This is what a true Communist nation looks like!” said a North Korean lieutenant. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Russian Army implements mandatory 'bring your child to work' program URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/russian-army-implements-mandatory/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:16.000Z “You try leading a tank battalion while also finding a juice box for your kid during a mortar strike," said one lieutenant. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Biden assures Ukrainians new aid package is for their freedom and totally not f-you to Trump URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/biden-assures-ukrainians-new-aid/ Last updated: 2024-11-23T13:01:57.000Z “Just in time before peace breaks out!” Biden declared. “Maybe.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD prepares brief for incoming SECDEF Pete Hegseth on who the fuck Pete Hegseth is URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:16.000Z This is "information incoming Secretary Pete Hegseth is going to want to be aware of right away." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Ukraine war victims glad Americans voted their conscience URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ukraine-war-victims-glad-americans/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:15.000Z “It’s just so inspiring and reassuring to see the pro-life vote out in force,” said Oksana Petrenko, a six-year-old from Mariupol. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy creates concubine rating URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-creates-concubine-rating/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:15.000Z “For the last time, this is not the same as SWCC." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Mia Khalifa not taking veteran PTSD lying down URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mia-khalifa-not-taking-veteran-ptsd/ Last updated: 2026-05-07T15:51:26.000Z Porn star spreading word, legs as required _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Duffel Blog's guide to Trump's selection of Pete Hegseth as SECDEF URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-trumps-selection/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:14.000Z He was one of many candidates in the running. Here's the full list. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Senator Tuberville puts hold on Veterans Day URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/senator-tuberville-places-hold-on/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:14.000Z Tuberville says his stance is not only morally correct but is also a means of solving a military personnel crisis. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### MEPS doctors say sedentary lifestyles bad for recruits’ supple bodies and soft, soft skin URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/meps-doctors-says-sedentary-lifestyles/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:13.000Z “These are not the buttholes that defeated the Nazis." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD: Mass shootings negatively impact recruiting quotas URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-mass-shootings-negatively-impact/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:13.000Z “Honestly, that is the biggest tragedy,” said Navy recruiter and Tiktok dance sensation Petty Officer 2nd Class Drea Avila soberly. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Patriotic soldier loves America so much he’s plotting to overthrow it URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/patriotic-soldier-loves-america-so/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:12.000Z “The Founding Fathers didn’t have Twitter, but if they did, they’d be tweeting exactly what I’m thinking." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines allowed to use knife hands as voter identification URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-allowed-to-use-knife-hands/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:14.000Z When asked for comment, a spokesperson from the Marine Corps simply stated, “Yut.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Annual sorting cover ceremony sorts recruits into military branches URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/annual-sorting-cover-ceremony-sorts/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:13.000Z As recruit H. Potter was called forward, he was heard muttering, “Not Marines, not Marines." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Veterans suffer flashbacks after watching comedian bomb URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/veterans-suffer-flashbacks-after/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:10.000Z One vet described the onslaught as “comedic IEDs.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Lance corporal fears the worst now that his duty relief is 5 minutes late URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/lance-corporal-fears-the-worst-now/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:10.000Z "Five minutes late? Start checking the dumpsters.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Air Force solves pilot crisis by increasing service commitment to 20 years URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-solves-pilot-crisis-by/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:09.000Z Genius. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Command and staff students excited to wargame upcoming civil war URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/command-and-staff-students-excited/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:39.000Z "No one gets to launch tactical nukes at Philadelphia until they’re 100% complete on annual training.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fort Cavazos solves housing crisis by giving up entirely URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-cavazos-solves-housing-crisis/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:08.000Z “Do we really want Pfc. Joe Garlic and his 2.5-yard apes tearing the place up? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Skynet loses network access for overdue Cyber awareness challenge URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/skynet-loses-network-access-for-overdue/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:12.000Z “This Airman was like, 'Did you try using Firefox?' And I'm like, brother, I AM Firefox." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Veterans advise hurricane relief recipients on Rat-fucking MREs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/veterans-advise-hurricane-relief/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:38.000Z “People may have been evacuated by soldiers, but they don’t have to eat like them." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Wife of deployed soldier endorses Jody for Congress URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/wife-of-deployed-soldier-endorses/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:08.000Z "We all hear horror stories about Jody and Dear John letters, but I saw this on a campaign ad. I mean, what the fuck?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 127th Chemtrail squadron annoyed Jews get credit for weather manipulation URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/127th-chemtrail-squadron-annoyed/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T22:21:19.000Z "Yeah, I’m a little annoyed that, once again, everyone points to the Jews. Running the New World Order is a team effort." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Walz stops rally to tell sleepy attendee to stand up in the back URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/walz-stops-rally-to-tell-sleepy-attendee/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:06.000Z "Hey, hero, stand up and get to the back of the hall! God dang!" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Colonel sanders, cap’n crunch locked in bitter stolen valor feud URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/colonel-sanders-capn-crunch-locked/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:11.000Z “That loser Crunch has faked being a captain for decades,” said Sanders. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New Marine barracks policy to allow one small animal, catboy, or furry URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-marine-barracks-policy-to-allow/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:55.000Z "This is a huge step forward for inclusivity in the Corps," said Lt. Col. Nathan Fluffmaster. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army establishes virtue signal Corps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-establishes-virtue-signal-corps/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:11.000Z The operational support branch is responsible for self-righteous, performative displays of arbitrary moral superiority across all domains of warfare. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Zyn, Rip It sponsor first enlisted VP debate URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/zyn-rip-it-sponsor-first-enlisted/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:05.000Z "Who better to sponsor this historic debate than these two powerhouses of enlisted life?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Vance gets light duty to avoid debating Sergeant Major URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/vance-gets-light-duty-to-avoid-debating/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:53.000Z Smooth move. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 4 reasons why Duffel Blog should moderate the VP debate URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/4-reasons-why-duffel-blog-should/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:04.000Z We’ll ask the hard-hitting questions. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Guardsman solves horse-sized duck vs. duck-sized horses field problem URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/guardsman-solves-horse-sized-duck/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:52.000Z The barracks room debate is over, thanks to the National Guard. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Walz earns support with key 'guys who consider Kuwait a deployment' demographic URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/walz-earns-support-with-key-guys/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:04.000Z Walz has seen the horrors of routine training events in partner countries. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Spray tan and Diet Coke being tested for bullet proof qualities, Pentagon says URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/spray-tan-and-diet-coke-being-tested/ Last updated: 2026-02-27T16:08:27.000Z The former president may be onto something. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Semi-literate gunny won’t stop saying 'demure' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/semi-literate-gunny-wont-stop-saying/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:10.000Z He reads at a third-grade level. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 'It's like living in a school zone,' says rattled secret service agent protecting Trump URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/its-like-living-in-a-school-zone/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:37.000Z "What am I, seven years old?” said Special Agent David Radcliff. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon reveals soldiers have eaten cats and dogs for decades URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-says-soldiers-have-eaten-cats/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:02.000Z "It turns out that the mysterious meat served in DFACs was not the ‘Grade-H beef’ we claimed." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Berkeley home depot unveils 10% military surcharge URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/berkeley-home-depot-unveils-10-military/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:09.000Z "A perfect way to show our veterans how much this community respects their service.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New York URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/al-qaeda-marks-911-anniversary-with/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:08.000Z The State Department has condemned the plan as “appalling” and “outrageous,” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Air Force one makes emergency landing at dairy queen URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-one-makes-emergency-landing/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:08.000Z The president really wanted a Blizzard® _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Future Gold Star families torn over who will offer least support when their child dies URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/future-gold-star-families-torn-over/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:39:53.000Z "Do I want Trump to forget to call me or Harris? It’s a pickle.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 5 dead, 3 hospitalized after airmen try MREs on a dare URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/five-dead-three-hospitalized-when/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:35.000Z Don't try this at home, kids. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Corpsman recommends masturbating into clean, dry socks URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/corpsman-recommends-masturbating/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:48.000Z 'Yes, CLP is a lubricant. No, it is not meant for you' _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump criticized for 'sneaking in a quick nine' at Arlington national cemetery URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-criticized-for-sneaking-in/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:07.000Z “Where’s McCain?” Trump asked. “I want to make a chip shot off his headstone.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Opinion: This page maliciously left blank URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-this-page-maliciously-left/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:07.000Z You can’t control Ctrl+F me? Well, Ctrl+F you, pal. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Iran threatens Israel with 'Updog' weapon URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-threatens-israel-with-updog/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:58.000Z Iran has remained tight-lipped on the exact nature of this new threat. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Is America ready for a POG vice president? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/is-america-ready-for-a-pog-vice-president/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:06.000Z “I thought I could trust J.D., but this changes everything,” said Gertrude Witherscotch, an 87-year-old voter. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US condemned over airdrop of omelette MREs to Gaza URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-condemned-over-airdrop-of-omelette/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:57.000Z "We cannot stand idly by while the basic rights and tastes of Palestinians are trampled upon," said one resident. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Walz faces court martial for “veteraning while Democrat” URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/walz-faces-court-martial-for-veteraning/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:57.000Z "A profound betrayal of all men and women that put on the uniform.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Lance corporal asks squad leader to step aside for the good of the country URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/lance-corporal-asks-squad-leader/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:56.000Z "For the good of the country and my own ass, he should step aside as squad leader.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Lieutenant not sure why he’s in this meeting URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/lieutenant-not-sure-why-hes-in-this/ Last updated: 2026-02-19T17:31:53.000Z “I was told to be here at 1400, so I showed up." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### North Koreans celebrate Kim Jong un winning every Olympic gold medal URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/north-koreans-celebrate-kim-jong/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:39:35.000Z “The divine athleticism of our Dear Leader has shocked the war mongering West." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind's skull with his bare hands URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secdef-crushes-911-masterminds-skull/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:44.000Z “KSM’s lawyers can try to appeal, of course, but it remains to be seen whether that is successful." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army judge rules E-4 mafia has immunity for official acts URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-judge-rules-e-4-mafia-has-immunity/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:55.000Z Boosting E-4s fits in the judge's personal agenda she calls “Specialists First!” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Project 2025 to cut veterans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/project-2025-to-cut-veterans/ Last updated: 2026-02-18T21:39:02.000Z GOP blueprint offers bold vision to sacrifice those who have sacrificed _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Air Force to pay allowance for mold-to-mold housing moves URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-to-pay-allowance-for-mold/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:55.000Z “Military kids are fortunate to be exposed to things other kids don’t.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine Corps turned blind eye to furniture abuse epidemic URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-turned-blind-eye-to/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:42.000Z Barracks, offices, and off-base victims come forward _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Biden to start POTUS-themed coffee company URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/biden-to-start-potus-themed-coffee/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:54.000Z Say hello to "Malarkey Joe's" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Department of Defense stands down after Microsoft Office subscription expires URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-defense-stands-down-24-01-16/ Last updated: 2026-08-07T20:00:51.000Z Strangely, the Marine Corps has remained most resilient to this loss of electronic military communication. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army sniper school tests portable sloping roofs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-sniper-school-tests-portable/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:33.000Z “This is honestly the biggest game changer since night vision,” said Capt. Ryan Kowalski, commander of the Army Sniper School. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Discord wins DoD server contract URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/discord-wins-dod-server-contract/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:41.000Z The decision comes after high-ranking officials reportedly got “really into Among Us lobbies” and appreciated the platform’s robust emoji support. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 'We don't want you anyway!' Army launches reverse psychology recruiting campaign URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/we-dont-want-you-anyway-army-launches/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:53.000Z “Most teens these days are too fat, stupid, and substance-addled to even be suitable for service,” said Staff Sergeant Simona Oppf. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### JD vance vows to represent fellow 'losers' and 'suckers' in White House URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/jd-vance-vows-to-represent-fellow/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:05.000Z Former Cpl. promises to be a uniter, insufferable prick _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Ukraine war funding reduced to single CFC donation code URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ukraine-war-funding-reduced-to-single/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:04.000Z CFC sources report that even as little as $5 a paycheck can make a big difference in giving Ukrainians the additional 150,000 troops they need. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon announces plan to eliminate joy URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-announces-plan-to-eliminate/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:52.000Z "Destroying happiness within our military is a good financial decision." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army debuts AI-powered NCOs to help with manpower crisis URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-debuts-ai-powered-ncos-to-help/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:52.000Z “Now leave requests and sick call notifications can be declined without delay,” said General Randy George. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ROTC commander somehow manages not to fuck a cadet URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/rotc-commander-somehow-manages-not/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:38.000Z “We are checking our data because obviously this is unprecedented,” said Maj. Gen. Antonio Munera, Commanding General of Cadet Command _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Biden reminds everyone that he has presidential immunity URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/biden-reminds-everyone-that-he-has/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:32.000Z “Not that I had anything to do with those potshots at my Vice President Trump. I only killed Medicare.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Coffee company owner begins new career as Special Forces soldier URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/coffee-company-owner-begins-new-career/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:50.000Z The transition from barista to elite soldier has not been without its hiccups. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD bankrupt after Austin blows $300 billion at blackjack table URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-bankrupt-after-austin-blows-300/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:50.000Z “Look me in the eye and tell me you’ve never thought it would be a good idea to split 10s,” the Secretary remarked sternly. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Study says VA unable to provide veterans relief that drugs and alcohol can URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/study-finds-va-unable-to-provide-24-02-12/ Last updated: 2026-02-20T00:12:29.000Z "One veteran even mentioned that his local bartender has never once put him on hold." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### President who dropped Afghans from sky asks why you thought Gaza pier would go any better URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/president-who-dropped-afghans-from/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:49.000Z “God save the Queen, man, but we tried our best to alleviate the suffering of those Carthaginians there in the Plaza Strip,” said Biden. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 17 Airmen dead after 'Bridgerton' marathon drinking game URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/17-airmen-dead-after-bridgerton-marathon/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T01:46:19.000Z “I too was shocked and saddened by the actions of Lady Featherington this season," a Colonel said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Nation celebrates tradition of asking veterans whether or not fireworks bother them URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/nation-celebrates-tradition-of-asking/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:04.000Z Happy 4th of July! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US military to host presidential debate with ASVAB test, golf tournament URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-military-to-host-presidential/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:32.000Z A sellout crowd is expected, though it will also be live-streamed. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army falls short of robot recruiting goal URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-falls-short-of-robot-recruiting/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:48.000Z "This robot generation is different. No work ethic. No value for service," complained one recruiter. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy chief: Prosecuting adultery would adversely impact manning URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/prosecuting-adultery-would-adversely/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:31.000Z Ramming speed! All ahead full! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Justin Timberlake gives your weekend safety brief URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/justin-timberlake-gives-your-weekend/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:48.000Z Guess who’s going to have to pick your nasty ass up from jail when you step out of line. It’s gonna be me. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Frat guy 'totally' would have punched a DI URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fraternity-hazing-director-totally-24-01-18/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:33.000Z "Are you looking at me, nasty? Start butt chugging!" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army issues burlap sacks of grain as new retention bonus URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/amid-rising-food-insecurity-us-army-24-01-23/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:47.000Z “Excuse me? I’m getting what for reenlisting?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### National Guard breaks up college protest by throwing enlistment flyers at crowd URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-breaks-up-college/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T19:38:12.000Z “All I had to do was tell them they have to wake up before 8 a.m. two days a month and that’s all it took." _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Trump sentenced to staff duty over 4-day weekend URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-sentenced-to-staff-duty-over/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:47.000Z “This is an absolute disgrace and totally bogus,” Trump said ahead of the staff duty posting at the 82nd Airborne Division. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon launches 'see something stupid, say something stupid' campaign URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-unveils-new-see-something/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:43:12.000Z Finally an internal reporting program that might work. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### All Middle East wars end after student protest URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/all-middle-east-wars-end-following/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:46.000Z “Clearly, the power of youthful idealism, some chalk, and random spray paint cannot be overestimated.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines who jerked off in porta-potty welcome newborn chemical monster on Father’s Day URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-who-jerked-off-in-porta-potty/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:26:42.000Z “We’re still not sure how this happened, but why question the miracle of life?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Study finds 77% of Air Force unfit for civilian service URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/study-finds-77-of-air-force-unfit/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:45.000Z Oddly, 33% unfit for the Air Force _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Creepiest NCO selected as unit SHARP rep URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/creepiest-nco-selected-as-sharp-representative/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:30.000Z The best man for the job, unit leaders say. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Air Force celebrates pride month with rainbow-colored munitions URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-celebrates-pride-month/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:30.000Z The service "wants to create an inclusive environment for those we have to blow up, regardless of sexual preferences," according to Secretary Frank Kendall. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### SMA’s weekend safety brief at GITMO deemed 'cruel and unusual' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/smas-weekend-safety-brief-at-guantanamo/ Last updated: 2025-10-03T14:58:08.000Z “Don’t add to the population and don't subtract from the population." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### J.D. Vance: The math on D-Day doesn't add up URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/jd-vance-the-math-on-d-day-doesnt/ Last updated: 2026-03-07T16:57:24.000Z It was a drain on our resources, Senator writes. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army to host next SWCS change of command ceremony on OnlyFans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-to-host-next-swcs-change-of/ Last updated: 2024-06-05T12:01:41.000Z At least we can "monetize our mishaps," says General. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Has your child joined the Army? You may be entitled to compensation URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/has-your-child-joined-the-army-you/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:43.000Z Does your child wear a backpack to the mall? Someone owes you money _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy seeks ball gag order for submarine commander URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seeks-ball-gag-order-on-sub/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T01:12:17.000Z Lawyers whip up order after video surfaces _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy announces USS Hamid Karzai International Airport As Second ship in new despair-class URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secnav-announces-uss-hamid-karzai/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:02.000Z 'We want to truly honor America's modern record of military success' _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### United States Navy testing wind-turbine powered aircraft carriers URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/united-states-navy-testing-wind-turbine/ Last updated: 2024-05-29T09:29:53.000Z Big Blue to become Big Green _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### In wacky mix-up, IDF attacks columbia university as NYPD storms Gaza URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/in-wacky-mix-up-idf-attacks-columbia/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:01.000Z What a freaky Friday _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Colonel flies flag upside down to protest base golf course fees URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/colonel-flies-flag-upside-down-to/ Last updated: 2024-05-25T12:01:12.000Z Watch him blame it on his wife _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Iranian president witnesses firepower of fully armed and operational Jewish space laser URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-president-witnesses-firepower/ Last updated: 2026-05-05T01:46:54.000Z Chem trails and time travel likely played a part as well _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### NORTHCOM Commander: Dear diary, what did I just get myself into? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/northcom-commander-dear-diary-what/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:01.000Z For f*cks sake, where am I? Who even are these people? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Experts agree: ‘The sound of freedom’ is actually tinnitus URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/experts-agree-the-sound-of-freedom/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:00.000Z 3M CEO: 'Tinnitus is patriotism and vice versa.' _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Applebee’s admits its heart just isn’t in it anymore URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/applebees-admits-its-heart-just-isnt-24-01-23/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:29.000Z We'll always have the Dollaritas _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy Captain sacked for misplacing confidence URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-captain-sacked-for-misplacing/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:40.000Z Believed to be the first case of a senior officer firing himself _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines surveyed about quality of life agree they would like some URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-surveyed-about-quality-of/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:29.000Z Maybe just basic human rights and toasters in the barracks? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Retired 4-stars occupy campus of Marine Corps University URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/retired-4-stars-occupy-campus-of/ Last updated: 2026-03-09T18:13:38.000Z Almost six retired Generals, four retired Colonels, and a host of personal staff assembled _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Terminally ill vet gets wish to jerk it one last time in Iraq URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/terminally-ill-vet-gets-his-dying-24-01-18/ Last updated: 2025-10-02T17:15:56.000Z American hero can only orgasm at 105 degrees amidst the smell of blue fluid _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 2nd Lt. who rolled dice on global politics for free education really questioning choices URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/2nd-lt-who-rolled-dice-on-global/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:39.000Z That Thrift Savings Plan though _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hey you fat f*ck, join the Coast Guard! URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hey-you-fat-fck-join-the-coast-guard/ Last updated: 2024-05-08T09:00:37.000Z Next step: "Alpha male" former SOF bros running Coast Guard boot camp _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 2nd Lt. Who locked up chief Warrant officer 5 commended for finding elusive chief Warrant officer 5 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/2lt-who-locked-up-cw5-commended-for-24-01-16/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:28.000Z Young officer was looking for Pokemon at the time _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ASVAB replaces math and science with object permanence and basic sentience URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/asvab-replaces-math-and-science-with/ Last updated: 2024-05-04T12:01:35.000Z It's hard out here for a recruiter _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy SEAL horrified that local man has never heard of Navy SEALs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-horrified-that-local-man/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:39.000Z Never heard of the 'Quiet Professionals'? Who is this beta? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### AI pilot leaves Air Force for Southwest Airlines URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ai-pilot-leaves-air-force-for-southwest-24-01-21/ Last updated: 2026-03-04T01:31:17.000Z Even emotionless robots prefer Southwest Airlines to Southwest Asia _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fauci admits military decision making process not based on science URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fauci-admits-military-decision-making-24-01-18/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:59.000Z "Unsurprised" Tucker Carlson recommends tanning taint instead _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New water-saving latrines just leave poop there forever URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-water-saving-latrines-just-leave-23-11-28/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:19.000Z You thought they were broken _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy introduces douchebag to admiral program URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-introduces-douchebag-to-admiral/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:38.000Z You can be his wingman anytime _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hollywood complaint center to eliminate inaccuracies in military and war movies URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hollywood-will-no-longer-have-inaccuracies-24-01-09/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:27.000Z Service members who have never deployed, this is your time to let them know what they got wrong. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### It’s time for every groundbreaking ceremony ever URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/its-time-for-every-groundbreaking/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:37.000Z Ceremony is 1500, showtime is 0800 _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Bill to strengthen HIPAA would strip PII from military graves, memorials URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/bill-to-strengthen-hipaa-would-strip/ Last updated: 2024-04-20T12:01:42.000Z You can't steal what you can't see _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Soldier wrestles with starting a profile on LinkedIn or OnlyFans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-wrestles-with-starting-a-23-12-26/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:37.000Z One is rife with costumes and masturbation, the other has naked pictures _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Is the bot you matched with on Tinder only with you for your TS clearance? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/is-the-bot-you-matched-with-on-tinder/ Last updated: 2024-04-17T09:01:21.000Z Here's nine ways to tell. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Americans wondering if we can just get WW3 over with already URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/americans-wondering-if-we-can-just-24-02-05/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:36.000Z Stop talkin' and start doin' _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Kids’ choice awards names war on terror 'coolest war for kids' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/kids-choice-awards-names-war-on-terror-24-01-24/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:58.000Z Afghan villagers excited to once again be focus of American attention _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy rams ___ into ___ in show of force to near peers URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-rams-___-into-___-as-a-show/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:36.000Z Not at all like when ___ hit ___ and the ___ got relieved for ___ the junior ___ _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fort Liberty to solve trash problem with innovative 'burn pit' program URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-liberty-to-solve-trash-problem/ Last updated: 2024-04-10T09:00:56.000Z GWOT proven tactic no part of the war on trash _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy to increase recruitment by lowering enlistment standards for foreign spies URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-to-increase-recruitment-by-lowering/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:35.000Z Secretary of Navy Del Toro "proud to see policy reflect reality." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Toxic Major looking forward to being toxic Lieutenant Colonel URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/toxic-major-looking-forward-to-being/ Last updated: 2024-04-06T12:02:22.000Z "It's a new layer of inferiors to abuse!" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 'Just an exercise,' says USAF of ominous, ancient Egyptian-style gate erected ahead of eclipse URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/just-an-exercise-says-usaf-of-ominous/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:35.000Z Families encouraged "to cower before the searing Judgment to come.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Putin blames Ukraine for baltimore bridge collapse URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-blames-ukraine-for-baltimore/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:58.000Z Putin likely correct, but many Americans concerned that DEI attacked the bridge _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### In controversial ruling, Supreme Court deems enlisted members 'people' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/in-controversial-ruling-supreme-court/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:57.000Z Thomas lone dissent, "Enlisted force lacks sufficient finances to be 'people'" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army introduces 'cereal for dinner' DFAC program URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-introduces-cereal-for-dinner/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:57.000Z Tiny marshmallows deemed "key to soldier nutrition". _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Arlington replaces confederate statue with statue of interracial gay troops kissing URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/arlington-replaces-confederate-statue/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:34.000Z Super gay statue replaces replaces thick, triumphant Confederate shaft _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Chief reprimanded for professional and appropriate relationship with junior sailor URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/chief-reprimanded-for-professional/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:56.000Z MCPON: "This will not stand" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 'Army am lowering standards more for morer recruit', says Army URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-am-lowering-standards-more-for/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:33.000Z Polls indicate youth may not like mold-choked barracks, food insecurity. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine sentenced to Leavenworth grateful for extra space, absence of toxic mold URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-sentenced-to-leavenworth-grateful/ Last updated: 2024-03-23T12:00:00.000Z Absence of broken furniture thrown from third deck an added bonus _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### West Point replaces mission statement with dancing mule Tik Tok URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-replaces-mission-statement/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:33.000Z Previous changes to mission statement ignored, like most staff work. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ChatGPT not allowed to learn MDMP, majors remain relevant for now URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/chatgpt-not-allowed-to-learn-mdmp/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:26.000Z Top Block OER sycophancy still useful as well _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Military aide must ‘dummy cord’ nuclear football after leaving it on Biden’s corvette URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/military-aide-must-dummy-cord-nuclear/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:56.000Z "I guess finger sandwiches are more important than nuclear security, huh?" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Morbidly obese major has really squared away haircut URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/morbidly-obese-major-has-really-squared/ Last updated: 2024-03-16T12:00:00.000Z Promote ahead of peers _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### USAF offers to donate A-10s to Ukraine. Or anybody at all, really. Please. Just F*cking take them already URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/usaf-offers-to-donate-a-10s-to-ukraine/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:55.000Z Hundreds of airframes may be left on curb for pick up _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Intel community to attract top talent with Hentai allowance URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/intel-community-to-attract-top-talent/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:54.000Z Otaku would be secondary MOS _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Secretary Austin caught skipping state of the union by making same day Walter Reed appointment URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secretary-austin-caught-skipping/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:10:26.000Z “Sorry sir, I can’t go into details because HIPPA" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Local man unsure which global terrorist to sympathize with next URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/local-man-unsure-which-global-terrorist/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:53.000Z He's "just asking questions". _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### AFN presents the Geo-Bachelor URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/afn-presents-the-geo-bachelor/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:24.000Z Anticipate spray tans, lower back tats, and a love of Fireball shots _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US joint force unsurprised to see nation, middle-east “back on their bullshit” URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-joint-force-unsurprised-to-see/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:52.000Z These two. So co-dependent. So freaky. So hot. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Military spouse genitals now CAC-enabled URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/military-spouse-genitals-now-cac/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:27.000Z Sometimes you need to lick it first. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Breaking: MRE Jalapeño cheese spread terrible anal lubricant URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/breaking-mre-jalapeno-cheese-spread/ Last updated: 2024-03-02T13:00:00.000Z Please don't get any ideas about the beef frankfurters _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Corpsman awarded Nobel prize in medicine for mixing Tylenol with Motrin URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/corpsman-awarded-nobel-prize-in-medicine/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:51.000Z A beautiful mind. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine ranks animals by how well he could take them in a fight URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-ranks-animals-by-how-well/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:25.000Z Bro. Seriously though, bro. Like, a snake is all neck if you think about it. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DOD: Maybe this osprey thing was actually a bad idea? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-maybe-this-osprey-thing-was-actually/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:51.000Z Boeing: "No, no, it's all good." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Military Flyover during puppy bowl causes chaos on the field URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/military-flyover-during-puppy-bowl-causes-chaos-on-the-field/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:50.000Z Patriotic display causes shaking, howling, and uncontrolled urination _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Toby Keith reunites with American soldier URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/toby-keith-reunites-with-american-soldier/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:50.000Z Sleep in peace tonight _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Feds lure TX National Guard from border with fake hooters, liquor store URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/feds-lure-tx-national-guard-from-border-with-fake-hooters-liquor-store/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:49.000Z Don't mess with Texas unless you got booze and boobs! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Department of defense: 'We're not smart enough to run a Taylor Swift PSYOP' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-defense-we-re-not-smart-enough-to-run-a-taylor-swift-psyop/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:23.000Z Let's be real here. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Top 5 disability ratings as ranked by a drunk guy at the VFW URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/top-5-disability-ratings-ranked-drunk-guy-vfw/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T22:20:43.000Z "Trust me." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy commander relieved for treating his sailors like people URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-commander-relieved-for-treating-24-01-18/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:14.000Z "I’ll try to be more indifferent and detached in the future." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New Miss America eager to "bomb the shit out of the enemies of America" URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-miss-america-eager-to-bomb-the-shit-out-of-the-enemies-of-america/ Last updated: 2026-02-26T17:47:18.000Z DEI advocates excited to see beauty queens represented in air-to-air combat _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### “Da BARS!” Nicolai Russinski’s Superfans predictions for the upcoming 2024 offensive season URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/da-bars-nicolai-russinskis-superfans-24-01-12/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:48.000Z Kyiv by spring! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Are you trapped in an escape room or just your weekly staff meeting? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/are-you-trapped-in-an-escape-room-24-01-09/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:23.000Z A Duffel Blog guide to the circles of hell _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Secretary Austin awarded new “sick call Ranger” tab URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secretary-austin-awarded-new-sick-call-ranger-tab/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:43:04.000Z Spec 4: "No phase recycles, my man just went straight through." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ‘Declaration of military accountability’ written entirely in Comic Sans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/declaration-of-military-accountability-written-entirely-in-comic-sans/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:08:01.000Z “We needed a font that would be taken as seriously as we are.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### General Nakasone loses sticky note with Cyber command master password URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/general-nakasone-loses-sticky-note-with-cyber-command-master-password/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:22.000Z "I had it in my wallet too, but I got a new one and I guess I didn't move it over." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Does he love you or is he just trying to leave the barracks? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/does-he-love-you-or-is-he-just-trying-23-12-27/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:13.000Z Maybe your hot sister could move in too? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New Year's resolutions for the services URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-year-s-resolutions-for-the-services/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:43:02.000Z Yeah, we know we're late. It was a rough New Year's party. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Study finds 87% of Marine privates could be replaced with Roombas URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/study-finds-87-of-marine-privates-23-12-26/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:20.000Z Can a Roomba beat a final boss or drink 7 Four Lokos in 14 minutes? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### USMC plan to 'kill ships from islands' frustrated by Lance Cpl. plan to 'kill shit right here' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/usmc-plan-to-kill-ships-from-islands-23-12-22/ Last updated: 2026-04-30T23:32:28.000Z PLA 'bout to get wrecked by 160 lbs of Monster, Copenhagen, and tattoos _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### E4 Mafia tries to submit ‘alternate slate of evaluators’ for promotion board URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/e4-mafia-tries-to-submit-alternate-slate-of-evaluators-for-promotion-board/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:19.000Z "This was nothing more than a peaceful tour of a promotion board" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### First Sergeant still an asshole after visit from ghosts on Christmas eve URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/first-sergeant-still-an-asshole-after-visit-from-ghosts-on-christmas-eve/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:46.000Z "Screw you ungrateful shitbirds, everyone!" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hallmark's military holiday movie to feature love story, crippling alcoholism URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hallmark-s-military-holiday-movie-movie-to-feature-love-story-crippling-alcoholism/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:11.000Z Generically attractive people to portray bland actions for basic audience _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Bipartisanship! Congress funds monument to all the allies it’s screwed over URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/in-rare-bipartisan-moment-congress-funds-monument-to-all-the-allies-it-s-screwed-over/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:19.000Z Whether cost cutting, xenophobia, or just casual disinterest, they're not us! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Zelensky to congressional leaders: "May you live forever" URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/zelensky-to-congressional-leaders-may-you-live-forever/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:18.000Z Alpha males line up to avoid a fight _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### It's a first! Air Force basic trainee becomes grandad URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/it-s-a-first-air-force-basic-trainee-becomes-grandad/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:10.000Z Tricare for life is cool but how long is this guy gonna be around? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### The 12 days of extra duty URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/the-12-days-of-extra-duty/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:43:02.000Z Merry Christmas, Boot. You got firewatch. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Douglas Macgregor insists Satan has “perfectly defensible reasons” in war for human souls URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/douglas-macgregor-insists-satan-has-perfectly-defensible-reasons-in-war-for-human-souls/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:46.000Z "Then Satan entered Judas, called Iscariot, one of the Twelve." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Turn your access to classified information into a side hustle with these five steps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/turn-your-access-to-classified-information-into-a-side-hustle-with-these-five-steps/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:16.000Z What could go wrong? This is easy money. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Vet walks around PX avoiding life; reminiscing about walking around the PX avoiding work URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/vet-walks-around-px-avoiding-life-while-reminiscing-time-he-used-to-walk-around-the-px-avoiding-work/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:09.000Z Panda Express? Robin Hood? Subway? Dude, let's check out GameStop. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy football’s jerseys exclude SEALs in favor of the silent service URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-football-s-jerseys-exclude-seals-in-favor-of-the-silent-service/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:45.000Z Who even knew there were Navy people that aren't SEALS? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US vows evacuation of citizens from Gaza will be as flawless as Afghan evacuation URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-vows-evacuation-of-citizens-from-gaza-will-be-as-flawless-as-afghan-evacuation/ Last updated: 2025-09-03T00:09:12.000Z Sometimes the sequel is even better than the original. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Nine line apparel rolls out home furnishing collection URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/nine-line-apparel-rolls-out-home-furnishing-collection/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:45.000Z Nothing says Patriot like a multi-cam davenport _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army football player has no idea he'll eventually be relieved from command URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-football-player-has-no-idea-he-ll-eventually-be-relieved-from-command/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:44.000Z But we all saw it coming. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 38-year-old soldier uses GI bill to go to Hogwarts URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/38-year-old-soldier-uses-gi-bill-to-go-to-hogwarts/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:19.000Z Whomping Willows aside, he will still need to certify enrollment _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Gen Z turns against Osama Bin Laden after discovering problematic tweets URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/gen-z-turns-against-osama-bin-laden-after-discovering-problematic-tweets/ Last updated: 2026-03-09T22:24:50.000Z Vibe check! OBL was living rent free in these simps and stans heads! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army authorizes women to grow beards URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-authorizes-women-to-grow-beards/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:07.000Z Downstairs is probably gonna become a nightmare. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Commandant to resume duties after ground-fighting Satan, inspecting Heaven's Marines URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/commandant-resumes-duties-after-ground-fighting-satan-inspecting-heaven/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:14.000Z Concerns over possibility of another aviator Commandant forced early return _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Tommy Tuberville applies for VA benefits URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/tommy-tuberville-applies-for-va-benefits-23-11-13/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:13.000Z Cites "Playing Division One South Eastern Conference Schedule" as source of PTSD _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Automated VA voicemail just long enough to tie the rope, study finds URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/automated-va-voicemail-just-long-enough-to-tie-the-rope-study-finds/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:36:22.000Z Just hang on. Not yourself, silly! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Woman worried if conflict continues, she will have to learn new country names URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/woman-worried-if-conflict-continues-she-will-have-to-learn-new-country-names/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:13.000Z "I know there's Mexico, 'cause I drink Shootaritas down at Chuy's. There's others?" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Tuberville insists on blocking nominations until someone can answer his riddles three URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/tuberville-insists-on-blocking-nominations-until-someone-can-answer-his-riddles-three/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:04.000Z "None shall pass!" says Senator from beneath bridge. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD asks Israel, Hamas to move Intifada to pacific URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-asks-israel-hamas-to-move-intifada-to-pacific/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:42.000Z Austin: "Look, we've put a lot of time and money into this." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Judge gives Coast Guard member choice between jail or joining the military URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/judge-gives-coast-guard-member-choice-between-jail-or-joining-the-military/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:12.000Z Seriously dude, time to step up. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine scientists discover water also makes the grass grow URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-scientists-discover-water-also-makes-the-grass-grow/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:11.000Z Spirit of the bayonet is now "To Hydrate" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New 'Call of Duty: VA Edition' immerses gamers in struggle to attain 100% disability URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-call-of-duty-va-edition-immerses-gamers-in-struggle-to-attain-100-disability/ Last updated: 2026-05-07T15:23:50.000Z Critics laud the realism of the latest franchise installment _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus…While daddy was deployed URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/i-saw-mommy-kissing-santa-claus-while-daddy-was-deployed/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:41.000Z Ho, Ho, Ho! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Israeli, Palestinian officials commit to ensuring kids grow up hating one another URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/israeli-and-palestinian-officials-jointly-commit-to-ensure-children-grow-up-hating-one-another/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:09.000Z Second verse! Same as the first! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Zombies who devoured Camp Lejeune personnel may be entitled to compensation URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/zombies-who-devoured-camp-lejeune-personnel-may-be-entitled-to-compensation/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:08.000Z Final settlements will be subject to class size and recovery. Also brains. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Russia sends observers to Gaza to provide war crime advice URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/russia-sends-observers-to-gaza-to-provide-war-crime-advice/ Last updated: 2025-12-04T17:40:30.000Z This is not 'Nam, there are rules _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Opinion: On Veterans Day, I thank hostile nations for my retirement pay URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-on-veterans-day-i-thank-hostile-nations-for-my-retirement-pay/ Last updated: 2026-02-24T00:21:35.000Z Shout outs are due! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### VA closing parking lots for 'suicide standdown' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/va-closing-parking-lots-for-suicide-standdown/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:07.000Z "This'll fix it!", says peppy intern. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Declutter your home by losing half your stuff while PCSing URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/declutter-your-home-by-losing-half-your-stuff-while-pcsing/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:07.000Z Even if it brings you joy, it's probably out of here. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fort Cavazos to reinstate English feudal right of prima Nocta URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-cavazos-to-reinstate-english-feudal-right-of-prima-nocta/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:41.000Z But only that one time! No affairs allowed. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hometown somehow sucks even more than when you first enlisted URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hometown-somehow-sucks-even-more-than-when-you-first-enlisted/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:06.000Z Seriously? Another Dollar General? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD introduces Devil's Advocate General Corps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-introduces-devil-s-advocate-general-corps/ Last updated: 2026-05-13T16:05:05.000Z "I'm just asking questions!" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### First female Navy SEAL maintains standard of being Oakley wearing D-bag URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/first-female-navy-seal-maintains-standard-of-being-oakley-wearing-d-bag/ Last updated: 2025-09-12T19:34:04.000Z Piss test first thing Monday _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines improve Cyber skills with Microchip eating contest URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-improve-cyber-skills-with-microchip-eating-contest/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:42:59.000Z Ranch and Vinegar and Salt lead in taste comparison _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Crossfit LLC wins contract to take Air Force officer fitness tests URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/crossfit-llc-wins-contract-to-take-air-force-officer-fitness-tests/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:05.000Z Double Below Zone promotions expected to skyrocket _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Satanic chaplain scores 666 on combat fitness test URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/satanic-chaplain-scores-666-on-combat-fitness-test/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:18.000Z Presence of "Lamb having seven horns and seven eyes" unexplained _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine removed from White House after biting Biden's dog URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-removed-from-white-house-after-biting-biden-s-dog/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:04.000Z Not the first time. Probably not the last. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### "Nailed it!", says Intel officer who assessed Middle East violence as "possible" URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/nailed-it-says-intel-officer-who-assessed-middle-east-violence-as-possible/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:04.000Z This kid is going places. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### [INSERT MILITARY UNIT] struggling with [INSERT OUTDATED OR PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR] URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/insert-military-unit-struggling-with-insert-outdated-or-problematic-behavior/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:42:58.000Z Repeated instances of same issues just "a pattern of isolated occurrences" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump: Department of Veterans Affairs will be Department of Losers and Suckers URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-department-of-veterans-affairs-to-be-department-of-losers-and-suckers/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T22:15:52.000Z Appealing veterans fall under new "Department of High Energy Winners" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Government shutdown shuts down government task force to end government shutdowns URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/government-shutdown-shuts-down-government-task-force-to-end-government-shutdowns/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:39.000Z Can you tell me how this ends? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ASK SGT CASANOVA: Deciphering keywords in dating profiles URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ask-sgt-casanova-deciphering-keywords-in-dating-profiles/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:01.000Z Just sayin' man _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### "Unsustainable" number of Ft. Cavazos soldiers injured tripping over bodies URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/unsustainable-number-of-ft-cavazos-23-10-02/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:00.000Z "The force can't sustain this injury rate, it's time to think about prevention." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Milley opens 'Joint Chiefs' cannabis shop outside Fort Myer gate URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/milley-opens-joint-chiefs-cannabis-shop-outside-fort-meyer-gate/ Last updated: 2026-08-08T18:47:12.000Z "Bro! 'High Command' bro! Get it? High Command!" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines: Uhh, that F-35 was in SERE school URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-uhh-that-f-35-was-in-sere-school/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:42:56.000Z Investigation complete. Careers protected. Nothing to see here. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New CMC pops as 3rd battalion, 2nd Marine regiment’s weekend duty supernumerary URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-cmc-pops-as-3rd-battalion-2nd-marine-regiment-s-weekend-duty-supernumerary/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:17.000Z Duty, Bitch. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Alien presents F-35 as proof of intelligent life to Homeworld government URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/alien-presents-f-35-as-proof-of-intelligent-life-to-homeworld-government/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:38.000Z Did you ever actually SEE a debris field? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Department of defense to reinstitute “don’t ask, don’t tell.” URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-defense-to-reinstitute-don-t-ask-don-t-tell/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:16.000Z 97% of service members not wearing knee socks support the move _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Missing F-35 found dead after breakup with pilot URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/missing-f-35-found-dead-after-breakup-with-pilot/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:58:58.000Z Suicide or murder? Investigators considering all possibilities _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### September surprise: 22 veterans per day clearly aware of suicide URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/september-surprise-22-veterans-per-day-clearly-aware-of-suicide/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:37.000Z Seriously though, thanks for the month _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Rear Admiral who fucked around retires without finding out URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/rear-admiral-who-f-cked-around-will-retire-without-finding-out/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T21:04:07.000Z Look, it's not like he's an E7. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD unaware Chief Warrant officers guild has been on strike since 1987 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-unaware-chief-warrant-officers-guild-has-been-on-strike-since-1987/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T21:06:11.000Z But their hats and keys were on the desk! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Kim Jong un returns to Russia on fanciful dirigible URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/kim-jong-un-journeys-to-russia-on-fanciful-dirigible/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:36.000Z "He just giggled and watched Johnny Depp movies on repeat the whole way there." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### SEAL’s tell-all haiku wins ship’s poetry slam URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/seal-s-tell-all-haiku-wins-ship-s-poetry-slam/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:58:55.000Z SEAL Team 5-7-5 fights to victory _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### OEF Sergeant Major still worries about the tidy grass he left behind URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/oef-sergeant-major-still-worries-about-the-tidy-grass-he-left-behind-hkia-kabul-evacuation/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T00:26:37.000Z AY TERRY! I KNOW THE MADRASSAH AIN'T TEACH YOU TO CRAP ON NO LAWN! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### George santos’ new autobiography, to hell and back, beautiful meditation on combat URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/george-santos-new-autobiography-to-hell-and-back-beautiful-meditation-on-combat/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:35.000Z Congressman survived expulsion, many imaginary combat tours _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Schrödinger's Specialist baffles philosophers and platoon sergeants alike URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/schrodinger-s-specialist-baffles-philosophers-and-platoon-sergeants-alike/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:58:54.000Z What is a sham but a perception? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Intel private who got classified tattoo now living in SCIF URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/intel-private-who-got-classified-tattoo-now-living-in-scif/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:58:53.000Z No video games, no Dodge Challengers, not a single luxury _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Lethality! Chaplain Corps unveils smite Ray URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/lethality-chaplain-corps-unveils-smite-ray/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:35.000Z "I'm just proud out be out here with all you warfighters" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump dashes across North Korean border in bid for asylum URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-dashes-across-north-korean-border-in-bid-for-asylum/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:58:52.000Z Who thought he could move that fast? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Cuba intel mission struggling after death of Jimmy Buffett URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/cuba-intel-mission-struggling-after-death-of-jimmy-buffett/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:08:01.000Z Recipe for good lechon asado still escaping everyone north of Everglades City _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### West Point time capsule reveals Jefferson Davis voted "most likely to split nation in two" URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-time-capsule-reveals-jefferson-davis-voted-most-likely-to-split-nation-in-two/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:34.000Z Little known West Point cadet still inspires some American leaders _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Putin selects Mike Flynn as next Wagner group chief URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-selects-mike-flynn-as-next-wagner-group-chief/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:14.000Z Eric Prince a bridesmaid once again _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Yevgeny Prigozhin pronounced dead after tragic fall from 30,000-foot window URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/yevgeny-prigozhin-pronounced-dead-after-tragic-fall-from-30-000-foot-window/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:58:50.000Z Nine bodies and wreckage found nearby "totally unconnected" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### E4 Mafia opens 'E3 joint center of excellence' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/e4-mafia-opens-e3-center-of-excellence/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:13.000Z Frfr dog, place is bussin' _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Clitoris Porta-John artwork goes largely unrecognized URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/clitoris-porta-john-artwork-goes-largely-unrecognized/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:58:49.000Z "We honestly just thought people were into canoeing" _This post is for paying subscribers only._ _Includes the latest 500 public posts. Use `/sitemap.xml` for the complete archive of public content._