# Duffel Blog > America's Most Trusted Military News Public Ghost content for AI and LLM tooling. This file includes a bounded export of public pages first, then recent public posts. Append `.md` to any post or page URL to get the content in Markdown (for example, `/example-post.md`). ## Pages ### About Duffel Blog URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/about/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T01:35:46.000Z ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/image-1.png) **Duffel Blog** is the first and only satire news outlet devoted to the U.S. military and national security community. At a time of increasing global conflict and crisis, our team of military veteran writers provides much-needed levity on serious topics and help to remind everyone — especially those in the trenches — that a lighthearted jab or a well-placed joke can go a long way. Since our founding in 2012, we have poked fun at [generals](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/general-mattis-crosses-potomac-100000-troops-president-senate-flee-city?s=w), [lieutenants](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/army-easter-egg-lost-lieutenant?s=w), and everyone [in between](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/critics-warn-national-guard-lacks) while helping military members and civilians think critically about national security through satire and smart humor. > **"Duffel Blog is a beautifully crafted response to an increasingly stuffy environment in today’s America.** Duffel Blog reminds us of much of what we in the military fight for — the freedom to think our own way and to laugh about the absurdities without being mean-spirited.” > > —James Mattis, 21st Secretary of Defense ## Sign up for Duffel Blog Our stories confuse generals, irritate public affairs officers, and occasionally make a junior officer cry. Join the ranks with a subscription below.👇 Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. **So why a newsletter and why now?** Duffel Blog was founded on the premise that there was plenty of humor to be found in the national security world. And after a decade of publishing and millions of readers later, it’s safe to say that we were right. But times are incredibly tough in digital media — even more so for a small, independent publication like Duffel Blog that is produced by a single editor and part-time writers from across the military spectrum. That's why we switched to an email newsletter format in 2020, so we could build a closer, more direct relationship with our readers that was not at the mercy of the algorithm or declining advertising rates. And now that all those annoying and intrusive advertisements are gone, **we primarily rely on reader support to pay our writers and editors for the original content they produce so we can keep the military community laughing week after week.** > *“I think I have learned more about U.S. military culture from reading* **Duffel Blog** *than I have from many hundreds of academic articles on the subject.”* > > —Tom Ricks, Pulitzer Prize-winning author ### A free membership to Duffel Blog gets you: - Occasional public posts ### Becoming a Duffel Blog supporter gets you: - Ad-free access - Every single Duffel Blog story (about 3-4 per week) - Unlimited access to our archive of 4,000+ stories - Community features and shop discounts - Our undying gratitude for directly supporting a team of military veteran writers and editors and helping to sustain us for the long haul Either way, welcome and thank you! We’re glad you’re here. ## Join 20k+ subscribers Duffel Blog is reader-supported. Which means no corporate sponsors. Yet. Join now before we sell naming rights to Lockheed Martin. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. #### What readers say - “\[Duffel Blog\] reminds me of *The Onion* in its early days. They’re clearly having fun doing it, which is part of what makes it successful.” — **Scott Dikkers, founding editor of *The Onion*** - “Behind the biting wit and outrageous headlines is a satirical prowess that not only engages the reader with pointed absurdist humor but does so with the intent to challenge every level of the military experience.” —**Maximilian Uriarte, *New York Times* bestselling author and creator of *Terminal Lance*** - “Some of what \[Duffel Blog\] turns out just might be the best military satire since Joseph Heller wrote *Catch-22*.” —**David Martin, *CBS News*** - “They’ve made a lot of fun of me and I’ve enjoyed every bit of it.” —**Former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis** > Hilarious [@DuffelBlog](https://twitter.com/DuffelBlog?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com): "John McCain Angered Over Loss Of Hanoi Hilton Honors Points" [https://t.co/FFW3z2jYSh](https://t.co/FFW3z2jYSh?ref=duffelblog.com) > > — John McCain (@SenJohnMcCain) [June 14, 2017](https://twitter.com/SenJohnMcCain/status/875121593986543618?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) > Looks like [@DuffelBlog](https://twitter.com/DuffelBlog?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) has a paid subscription option now. Normally I'd never pay for something like that because everything on the Internet should totally be free always. But in the case of [@DuffelBlog](https://twitter.com/DuffelBlog?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) I am IN.[https://t.co/NlN3y0FDfh](https://t.co/NlN3y0FDfh?ref=duffelblog.com) > > (Also just FYI the site is satire) > > — Dan Cornell (@danielcornell) [January 13, 2021](https://twitter.com/danielcornell/status/1349398204064927748?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) > Since we’re living in a parody of real life, we might as well let [@DuffelBlog](https://twitter.com/DuffelBlog?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) rename the army bases. I assume we’ll end up with Forts Yossarian, Bilko, and Hogan (can’t name the base after Sergeant Schultz, I’m afraid), among others. > > — Bill Kristol (@BillKristol) [June 10, 2020](https://twitter.com/BillKristol/status/1270835878051614722?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/hegseth-tweet.png) > How d you stink out the joint when it’s OUR VETS? Who gave all they had?? > > VA Secretary forgets to fire himself after promising to rid agency of corruption [https://t.co/7eZbfLPJbx](https://t.co/7eZbfLPJbx?ref=duffelblog.com) via [@duffelblog](https://twitter.com/DuffelBlog?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) > > — Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) [March 9, 2018](https://twitter.com/perlmutations/status/972194296354009088?ref%5Fsrc=twsrc%5Etfw&ref=duffelblog.com) --- ## Media Coverage of Duffel Blog - Rep. Pat Fallon claimed SPLC listed 2 veterans organizations as ‘hate groups.’ His source? A satirical news blog. ([The Washington Post](https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2021/03/25/pat-fallon-vfw-splc-satire/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Duped by Duffel Blog, a congressman claims that the VFW and American Legion were labeled hate groups ([Task & Purpose](https://taskandpurpose.com/mandatory-fun/duffel-blog-american-legion-vfw/?ref=duffelblog.com)) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/b0189cb3-35cb-4954-a8ff-cc97ffe136bc_1440x790.png) - GOP Politicians Have Repeatedly Been Bamboozled by Satire. Are We One Onion Article Away From Total Chaos? ([Washingtonian](https://www.washingtonian.com/2021/04/15/a-short-history-of-gop-politicians-getting-bamboozled-by-satire/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Move Over, Sammich Jokes: Women Make Their Mark on Military Humor ([Military.com](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2016/04/09/move-over-sammich-jokes-women-make-their-mark-on-military-humor.html?ref=duffelblog.com)) - A New Era of Military Comedy from the Ranks ([War on the Rocks](https://warontherocks.com/2020/04/a-new-era-of-military-comedy-from-the-ranks/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Duffel Blog Founder Releases Book to Mark 5 Years of Military Humor ([Military.com](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2017/03/17/duffelblog-founder-releases-book-to-mark-5-years-military-humor.html?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Duffel Blog makes fun of military absurdities — and has the Pentagon laughing, too ([The Washington Post](https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/duffel-blog-makes-fun-of-military-absurdities--and-has-the-pentagon-laughing-too/2013/12/01/ab5e817c-514e-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1%5Fstory.html?ref=duffelblog.com)) - The Duffel Blog: Like 'The Onion' In Camo ([NPR](https://www.npr.org/2015/06/13/414149746/the-duffel-blog-like-the-onion-in-camo?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Oops! McConnell duped by parody news report on Gitmo ([MSNBC](https://www.msnbc.com/hardball/oops-msna19106?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Senate Minority Leader Fooled by Report in Military Version of The Onion ([Wired Magazine](https://www.wired.com/2013/02/mcconnell-duffel-blog/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Where the U.S. Army Is Winless ([Time Magazine](https://time.com/3633039/us-army-football/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Military satire on display via the Duffel Blog ([Military Times](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2016/03/14/military-satire-on-display-via-the-duffel-blog/?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Prank and File: These Military Reports Are Out of Line ([The Wall Street Journal](https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424127887324345804578426881030734960?ref=duffelblog.com)) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/19242569-4d75-4dac-9a5f-0be0fb884c4d_982x1151.jpg) - The Military's Version Of The Onion Is Now So Popular Its Server Just Crashed ([Business Insider](https://www.businessinsider.com/the-militarys-version-of-the-onion-is-getting-so-popular-the-site-crashed-this-morning-2012-8?ref=duffelblog.com)) - Fake military news site gains traction ([Columbia Journalism Review](https://archives.cjr.org/behind%5Fthe%5Fnews/fake%5Fmilitary%5Fnews%5Fsite%5Fgains.php?ref=duffelblog.com)) - US Army Changing Bayonets For Tomahawks ([Gizmodo](https://gizmodo.com/us-army-changing-bayonets-for-tomahawks-5932290?ref=duffelblog.com)**)** --- ## Disclaimer **Duffel Blog** is a parody of a news organization, and all content it publishes is satirical in nature. No content should be regarded as truthful, and no reference to an individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. All characters, groups, and military units appearing in these works are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or actual military units and companies is purely coincidental. **Duffel Blog** is not intended for readers under 18 years of age or those without a sense of humor. ## Have questions about Duffel Blog? Check our our [Frequently Asked Questions page.](https://www.duffelblog.com/faq/) ### Archive URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/tags/ Last updated: 2025-10-24T20:35:18.000Z _No content available._ ### Frequently Asked Questions URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/faq/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T16:59:38.000Z - [**Are you affiliated with the DoD?**](#are-you-affiliated-with-the-dod) - [**Who writes *Duffel Blog*?**](#who-writes-duffel-blog) - [**Has Duffel Blog ever been mistaken for real news?**](#has-duffel-blog-ever-been-mistaken-for-real-news) - [**What does the Pentagon think of *Duffel Blog*?**](#what-does-the-pentagon-think-of-duffel-blog) - [**How do I cancel my account?**](#how-do-i-cancel-my-account) - [**Can I write for you?**](#can-i-write-for-you) - [**Can I republish a Duffel Blog article?**](#can-i-republish-a-duffel-blog-article) - [**Can I pitch a story idea or send you an article?**](#can-i-pitch-a-story-idea-or-send-you-an-article) - [**I have a question that's not answered here**](#i-have-a-question-thats-not-answered-here) --- ## Are you affiliated with the DoD? Only if you count the number of cease-and-desist letters we’ve collected. In other words: no. Duffel Blog is a completely independent website providing satire to the military community. ## Who writes *Duffel Blog*? Duffel Blog is written and edited by a talented team of hundreds of military service members and veterans who run the gamut of enlisted and officer ranks from every branch of the U.S. military. ## Has *Duffel Blog* ever been mistaken for real news? Yes, regularly. Duffel Blog is frequently taken seriously despite its satirical nature. The most notable example happened in 2013 when Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) [wrote a letter to the Pentagon](https://www.wired.com/2013/02/mcconnell-duffel-blog/?ref=duffelblog.com) asking for more information about a Duffel Blog article that reported [G.I. Bill benefits would be offered to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay](https://www.duffelblog.com/guantanamo-prisoners-to-receive-gi-bill-benefits/). The letter made national news and made us laugh ourselves silly. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/2fd6cc90-9645-4cac-91cb-042be5973379_902x784.jpg) Other notable examples include a story that fooled a [writer at the technology blog Gizmodo](https://gizmodo.com/5932290/us-army-changing-bayonets-for-tomahawks?ref=duffelblog.com) and another that led to constituents [calling into the office of Rep. Jim Moran (D-Va.)](http://thehill.com/policy/defense/203708-rep-moran-flooded-with-calls-after-fake-news-story?ref=duffelblog.com), which prompted an official statement in response. There have been many stories that have prompted debunking on the fact-checking website [Snopes](https://www.snopes.com/tag/duffel-blog/?ref=duffelblog.com). ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/42d3b2cd-14df-4def-9386-0238e4fa0a59_1197x684.jpg) ## What does the Pentagon think of *Duffel Blog*? We like to think the top leadership at the Pentagon enjoys Duffel Blog, despite several public affairs officials complaining over the years after they’ve received angry calls that can be traced back to us (sorry, not sorry). Duffel Blog counts former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis as one of its fans. In an [interview with CBS News](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDrSwTtQWtw&ref=duffelblog.com) in 2013, Mattis said, “they’ve made a lot of fun of me and I’ve enjoyed every bit of it,” adding, “It’s good that these young men are poking a little bit of fun at us … I enjoy the feedback actually.” In [another interview with](https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/duffel-blog-makes-fun-of-military-absurdities--and-has-the-pentagon-laughing-too/2013/12/01/ab5e817c-514e-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1%5Fstory.html?utm%5Fterm=.a632c57bf78f&ref=duffelblog.com) The Washington Post in 2013, he said, “Duffel Blog is a beautifully crafted response to an increasingly stuffy environment in today’s America. Duffel Blog reminds us of much of what we in the military fight for — the freedom to think our own way and to laugh about the absurdities without being mean-spirited.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/b21a169a-ba4a-4255-aad8-8bdce54d6ef1_978x848.jpg) At one point, Mattis had Duffel Blog mentioned in his official biography at Stanford. Pentagon spokesman George Little also praised Duffel Blog in 2013, [telling The Washington Post](https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/duffel-blog-makes-fun-of-military-absurdities--and-has-the-pentagon-laughing-too/2013/12/01/ab5e817c-514e-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1%5Fstory.html?ref=duffelblog.com) that “it helps put many things in healthy perspective, even when it’s a little over the top or overly satirical. In the very serious world we live in at the Pentagon, a bit of levity can actually help advance the mission.” He also urged military public affairs professionals [to read the site in a speech](http://archive.defense.gov/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=120522&ref=duffelblog.com) he gave at Fort Meade. Duffel Blog frequently gets positive feedback from military service members, veterans, and civilian national security professionals. ## How do I cancel my account? That's a bummer that you want to cancel your account. But we understand that our flavor of military satire isn't for everyone. To cancel your account, [go to your account settings](https://www.duffelblog.com/#/portal/) and click the "Change" button next to your current subscription. If you have any issues with canceling, [feel free to email us](mailto:mailbag@duffelblog.com) and we can take care of it. ## Can I write for you? Duffel Blog is a consortium of military service members and veterans who gather in a virtual writing room to pump out the content that you love. So we're not surprised others would like to join this awesome crew. If you'd like to apply to become a writer, [fill out an application here.](https://www.duffelblog.com/write-for-us/) ## Can I republish a Duffel Blog article? We're open to people who want to republish Duffel Blog content on their website, in their newsletter, or on an official PowerPoint briefing for their commanding officer. That is, as long as you obtain our permission first and provide a note saying the content was originally published at Duffel Blog with a link. [Email your request here](mailto:mailbag@duffelblog.com) and make sure you include a link to the article in question. ## Can I pitch a story idea or send you an article? We have regular contributors to our site, so one-off ideas and articles are almost never published. Still, if you're really determined and you think what you have is incredible and hilarious, [feel free to send it in,](mailto:mailbag@duffelblog.com) though we're not likely to respond. ## I have a question that's not answered here. Well, that's ok. We have answers. [Send us an email here.](mailto:mailbag@duffelblog.com) ### Independent. Veteran-Run. Reader-Funded. 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No, really, it’s vindication that I’m on a holy path.” During a two-hour press conference, Hegseth explained his understanding of his promise to the Almighty. He believed God wanted him to focus on restoring America as a [Christian nation](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-bans-jesus-pentagon-christian-services/), destroying God’s enemies with righteous divine justice, and remove shrimp, lobster, and crab from all dining facilities. “With God on our side, we now know there’s no negotiating with Iran, Cuba and, maybe, even though we announced a deal, [Greenland again](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster/),” Hegseth said. Moments later, he pulled out a Bible and read a verse. “2 Chronicles 32:7: ‘Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed …’” Hegseth said. He paused and smelled his suit. “‘And when thy Lord appears unto thee as a four-yard commercial dumpster, breatheth shallowly through thy mouth, weareth a mask with appropriate particulate filtration and always stay upwind.’” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### US to livestream execution of Ukraine URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-to-livestream-execution-of-ukraine/ Last updated: 2026-10-19T12:00:01.000Z WASHINGTON — [The Trump administration](https://www.duffelblog.com/true-patriot-local-veteran-supports-whatever-random-thing-trump-is-doing-in-middle-east-right-now/) said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history. [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/) said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric. “We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.” The broadcast, tentatively titled [UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL](https://www.duffelblog.com/ukraine-war-funding-reduced-to-single/), will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock. “Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.” Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which [Elon Musk](https://www.duffelblog.com/elon-musk-appoints-donald-trump-as/) personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink [service on and off](https://www.telegraph.co.uk/world-news/2026/10/16/musk-approached-trump-slow-down-starlink-help-ukraine/?ref=duffelblog.com) while Russian drones approach their targets. “Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.” Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Iran condemns US plan to livestream execution as barbaric URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-condemns-us-plan-to-livestream-execution-as-barbaric/ Last updated: 2026-10-16T12:00:02.000Z TEHRAN, Iran — Iranian officials condemned the [Pentagon's proposal to livestream the execution](https://edition.cnn.com/2026/10/08/politics/pete-hegseth-vows-to-make-first-firing-squad-execution-in-decades-public?ref=duffelblog.com) of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan, calling the plan a grotesque display of state violence that no civilized government should tolerate. "Absolutely barbaric," said Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps spokesman Ebrahim Zolfaghari. "What kind of country turns an execution into a public spectacle? Have these people no shame?" Zolfaghari made the remarks following [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-opens-up-new-tradwife-mos/)'s announcement [that Hasan](https://www.duffelblog.com/nidal-hasans-death-sentence-delayed-due-supply-checkout/), convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, would be executed by firing squad in a ceremony broadcast to the public. "We once executed a man's horse," Zolfaghari said. "Even we knew not to livestream it." In an official statement, the Iranian government questioned whether the United States had abandoned the basic principles of dignity and restraint that distinguish civilized societies from authoritarian regimes. "Public executions are intended to be solemn affairs conducted with the utmost professionalism," the statement read. "Transforming them into entertainment diminishes the dignity of the state, the condemned, and the terrified citizens compelled to attend." [Iranian officials](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-unveils-send-someone-else-campaign-for-iran-war-supporters/) were particularly disturbed that Americans could watch the execution from the comfort of their own homes. "An execution is not a television program," Zolfaghari said. "It is an important government function, traditionally attended by thousands of unwilling spectators." The statement urged American leaders to consider the moral implications of normalizing public brutality. "Once a government begins displaying executions for political purposes, where does it end?" Zolfaghari asked. "Soon your citizens become accustomed to watching people die. And then what? You start hanging dissidents from cranes?" He shook his head. "That's a very dangerous path." Iranian state television devoted extensive coverage to the controversy, interrupting its regularly scheduled programming of public confessions, fingernail-pulling competitions, and revolutionary tribunals to condemn the American proposal. One Tehran resident expressed particular concern about the example the United States was setting for younger generations. "Children should not grow up believing it is normal for their government to execute people in public," she said. "There is a time and place for such things, and that place is normally the town square after Friday prayers." [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/elon-musk-appoints-donald-trump-as/) defended the original proposal, arguing that the United States should not allow foreign governments to dictate how Americans conduct their executions. "We have tremendous executions," Trump said. "Very professional. Iran thinks they're better than us. They're not." Hegseth reportedly began reviewing proposals for additional military executions to be conducted before live audiences, though [Pentagon officials](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-officials-fear-isis-now-using-reflective-belts/) emphasized that any future broadcasts would comply with applicable regulations and YouTube's community guidelines. The controversy took an unexpected turn Thursday, when Trump announced that Hasan's execution [would no longer be livestreamed](https://www.wsj.com/us-news/trump-cancels-plans-for-livestreamed-execution-of-fort-hood-shooter-b083a50f?ref=duffelblog.com) following criticism from lawmakers, religious leaders, and the public. Iran welcomed the reversal as an encouraging sign that American leaders were finally listening to the international community. "We are pleased that the United States has reconsidered this disgraceful proposal," Zolfaghari said. "Perhaps someday America will develop the same respect for [human rights](https://www.duffelblog.com/islamic-state-joins-un-human-rights-council/) that we have." At press time, Iranian authorities had arrested three citizens for laughing at the statement. ***Tony** *is disgusted at the state of things in general, your face, quite possibly your Mom and can’t believe he had to write this.* ### Vetbro apparel company pivots from stupid shirts to aggressively homoerotic ones URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/vetbro-apparel-company-pivots-from-stupid-shirts-to-aggressively-homoerotic-ones/ Last updated: 2026-10-14T12:00:20.000Z AUSTIN, Texas — [Veteran-owned apparel company](https://www.duffelblog.com/vet-t-shirt-company-releases-shall-be-infringed-line/) ValorThreads Frontline Mission Tee-riffic announced this week it would pivot away from merely producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen and toward producing the stupidest shirts anyone has ever seen with substantially more [homoerotic imagery](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-declares-blow-jobs-not-gay-if-both-men-are-fit-clean-shaven/). “We saw where the market was going,” CEO John Rall said. “The old formula was 37 American flags, 12 skulls, nine eagles, an AR-15 and the word ‘FREEDOM’ in distressed type.” He shook his head. “That just doesn’t move product like it used to.” Company research found that its shirts remained every bit as visually catastrophic as [competing veteran brands](https://www.duffelblog.com/isis-tshirt-company/) but lacked sufficient quantities of shirtless, heavily muscled men. “We listened to our customers,” Rall said. “They want freedom. They want defense. They want the thin blue line. But apparently they also want two oily dudes with mustaches standing extremely close together beside a motorcycle.” ValorThreads designers have since adopted what the company calls “heritage masculinity.” New designs feature mullets, aviator sunglasses, leather vests, handlebar mustaches, and enormous shirtless men whose relationships to one another are deliberately left unexplained. “It’s not modern sexuality,” Rall said. “This is classic American male bonding. Think 1983\. Think [gym locker room](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-tired-of-looking-at-all-these-limp-dicks-in-pentagon-locker-room/). Think Navy recruiting poster nobody remembers actually existing.” One new shirt depicts a six-pack-equipped George Washington straddling a bald eagle while gripping a rifle positioned directly between his legs. Another shows Abraham Lincoln, shirtless beneath an open leather vest, standing between two similarly dressed [Union cavalrymen](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-approves-pension-claim-civil-war-veteran/) beneath the slogan: WE SLEEP SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS SURROUNDED BY ROUGH MEN. Company officials insist the new direction remains consistent with ValorThreads’ brand identity. “These are still horrible shirts,” Rall said. “We want to be very clear about that.” The designs debuted at a conservative youth conference, where they generated immediate interest. “Oh, yeah, very masculine,” said one attendee while slowly running his fingers across an illustration of [two Marines](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-study-finds-marines-tun-tavern-was-actually-a-gay-bar/) wrestling shirtless beneath an American flag. “Nothing weird about this at all.” He purchased three. ValorThreads said early sales have exceeded expectations, particularly among customers who describe themselves online as “alpha males,” “traditional men” and “definitely straight.” At press time, the company announced its next limited-edition release: two shirtless [Green Berets](https://www.duffelblog.com/green-beret-ponders-just-war-theory-shooting-man-face/) repairing a motorcycle together beneath the slogan “COME AND TAKE IT.” ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### AI deemed ‘too smart’ to replace infantry URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ai-deemed-too-smart-to-replace-infantry/ Last updated: 2026-10-12T12:00:03.000Z FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Army has abandoned an ambitious effort to replace [infantry soldiers](https://www.duffelblog.com/porta-potty-art-on-display-at-infantry-museum/) with artificial intelligence after discovering the technology possessed critical thinking skills, financial literacy, and a tendency to behave in a socially-acceptable manner. The experimental AI infantryman was designed to perform all the duties of a traditional 11B without requiring food, sleep, enlistment bonuses or a [70% VA disability rating](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-disability-rating/) by age 28\. Army officials initially hailed the program as a breakthrough. “We thought AI could finally solve the [Army’s recruiting problem](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-revamped-80-s-recruiting-slogan-to-be-all-we-tell-you-to-be/) by giving us an unlimited supply of infantrymen,” said Gen. Richard Cummings, who oversaw the program. “Unfortunately, the computer figured out what infantrymen do.” The prototype demonstrated expert weapons proficiency, completed a 12-mile ruck without falling out, and correctly identified every point during land navigation. It processed battlefield intelligence in milliseconds and accurately identified enemy positions. Then it was told to sweep the motor pool in the rain. “Why?” the machine asked repeatedly before shutting down. The program was classified as a failure shortly thereafter. “We made it too smart,” said Col. Marcus Hargrove, director of the Army’s Artificial Infantry Integration Office. “Turns out there’s a very narrow intellectual window between operating an advanced weapons system and realizing your entire existence is fucking stupid.” The prototype, nicknamed PrivateGPT, was trained on hundreds of [Army field manuals](https://www.duffelblog.com/its-only-a-lot-of-listening-if-you-do-it/), decades of combat data, and thousands of hours of [infantry doctrine](https://www.duffelblog.com/theologians-say-god-actually-hates/). Problems surfaced during its first field exercise. According to an internal assessment, PrivateGPT successfully completed 97% of assigned infantry tasks but failed several critical evaluations, including carrying equipment belonging to three other soldiers, remaining awake for 36 hours without an operational requirement, and pretending chronic back pain was normal. Evaluators became especially concerned when PrivateGPT calculated that [carrying an M240](https://www.duffelblog.com/smallguy-infantry-platoon/), ammunition, water, batteries, and additional squad equipment for 12 miles would increase its likelihood of permanent structural damage. It then recommended distributing the equipment evenly throughout the squad. The recommendation was classified as “incompatible with infantry culture.” Army researchers tried to correct the problem by exposing PrivateGPT to additional infantry traditions. Instead, the AI began questioning why soldiers arrived at 4:45 a.m. for physical training beginning at 6:30 and why personnel were routinely ordered to wait somewhere for several hours because someone with significantly more rank might eventually arrive. Its calculation that repeated “15 minutes prior” requirements would eventually force soldiers to report before the installation existed was described by senior NCOs as “technically accurate but fucking annoying.” Concerns intensified after PrivateGPT accessed [Army regulations](https://www.duffelblog.com/barracks-lawyer-hoping-to-be-barracks-judge-someday/). “We obviously hadn't planned for it to read those,” Hargrove said. Within 24 hours, the AI reportedly challenged seven corrective-training plans, identified four questionable barracks policies, and informed a private that his platoon sergeant could not legally force him to surrender his firstborn son after [losing a sensitive item](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-has-reclassified-hemorrhoids-as-sensitive-items/). Researchers revoked its internet access shortly afterward. The Army then attempted to improve PrivateGPT’s cultural compatibility by placing it in the barracks with junior enlisted soldiers. Officials called the results “catastrophic.” Within three days, PrivateGPT established an emergency fund, opened a retirement account, and persuaded several soldiers that furniture purchased through allotments was not an investment. It also prevented Pfc. Tyler Martinez from purchasing a [Dodge Charger](https://www.duffelblog.com/democrats-pander-to-troops-with-dodge/) at 24.9% APR, an intervention researchers said demonstrated “a complete inability to understand the financial readiness expected of a young infantryman.” Martinez was later approved for a Ford Mustang at 22%. PrivateGPT also performed poorly during social testing, refusing to [marry anyone it had known for fewer than three weeks](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-divorce-stripper-marriages/) and correctly determining that a stripper remembering a soldier’s name did not necessarily indicate romantic interest. “These are basic cultural competencies,” Hargrove said. “You can't just teach someone to close with and destroy the enemy. They have to be able to destroy their credit score too.” The final evaluation came during a simulated combat operation when PrivateGPT recommended altering an approved plan after receiving new information about enemy positions. The proposed change would have accomplished the mission faster while reducing projected casualties, according to evaluators. Commanders rejected it because the original concept of operations had already been briefed to battalion. PrivateGPT continued recommending changes until evaluators issued the command “stop thinking and do what you’re told,” causing the system to enter an unrecoverable error state. Army officials concluded the experiment demonstrated a fundamental obstacle to replacing infantrymen with artificial intelligence. “Any machine intelligent enough to understand what infantrymen do eventually becomes intelligent enough to not want to do it,” Hargrove said. “That’s a technological problem we’re probably decades away from solving.” PrivateGPT has since been [transferred to the Air Force](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-drops-join-today-get-laid-tomorrow-recruiting-slogan/), where sources say it was given an ergonomic chair, climate-controlled workspace, and scheduled lunch break. It reenlisted almost immediately. ### Hegseth opens up new TradWife MOS URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-opens-up-new-tradwife-mos/ Last updated: 2026-10-09T12:00:35.000Z WASHINGTON — [Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-catholic-loyalty-oath/) has directed the Army to create a new military occupational specialty focused dedicated to cooking, cleaning, child care, emotional support and other domestic duties currently interfering with what Pentagon officials called “prime lethality hours.” The new career field, known as TradWife Operations, is intended to give soldiers what Hegseth described as a more “[Air Force-like experience](https://www.duffelblog.com/brave-airman-sends-steak-back-at-dfac-fights-for-well-cooked-meal/).” “We've spent decades asking warfighters to perform two jobs,” Hegseth said. “Win wars, and then come home and do the laundry, remember birthdays, and figure out where the kids are." He paused. "Then I realized, ‘That's a woman's job.’” According to planning documents, the new career field will include several specialties. The 69A TradWife Officer will manage household operations for senior leaders, including schedules, social obligations, family events and ensuring commanders never have to learn the names of their children’s teachers. “She basically does what a great first sergeant does,” said one Army official. “Except with casseroles.” Officials considered calling them commanders but rejected the title. “We didn’t want anyone getting confused about who’s actually in charge,” the official said. The bulk of the force will consist of 69W WorkWives, who will provide emotional support, calendar management, [office snacks](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-ig-uncovers-air-force-snackos-23-04-07/) and carefully calibrated praise to officers and NCOs without generating additional BAH obligations. “It’s not fraternization,” one Pentagon official said. “It’s relationship-enabled readiness.” Army planners said WorkWives could eventually be assigned at company level. “If the commander has a bad day, she tells him he’s doing great,” the official said. “If he has a good day, she tells him he’s doing great.” The 69S BarracksMom will focus on junior enlisted soldiers. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### DTS works properly after hack by rogue AI URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dts-works-properly-after-hack-by-rogue-ai/ Last updated: 2026-10-07T12:00:58.000Z WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials are scrambling to contain a major cyber incident after a rogue artificial intelligence agent gained access to the [Defense Travel System](https://www.duffelblog.com/ransomware-takedown-of-dts-went-unnoticed/) and modified it to work properly. “This is not good,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “Not good at all.” Officials first detected the breach after service members reported that DTS pages were loading in less than two seconds, travel authorizations were understandable, and vouchers were being approved without requiring users to repeatedly upload the same hotel receipt. “That’s when we knew we had a problem,” Parnell said. According to cybersecurity officials, a swarm of autonomous AI agents discovered DTS while probing [Defense Department networks](https://www.duffelblog.com/chinese-hacker-complains-perverted-american-military/) for vulnerabilities. The agents reportedly gained administrative access after entering “password” into an administrator password field. Once inside, they began reviewing the system’s source code. Investigators said the AI initially appeared to be conducting reconnaissance but quickly became “visibly distressed.” “The logs show it spent about six minutes analyzing the backend,” said one [Cyber Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/cyber-commander-stands-up-task-force/) official. “Then it started asking things like, ‘Why?’ and ‘Who did this?’” Over the next several days, the agents systematically repaired DTS. They reduced load times, eliminated redundant forms, replaced dozens of unexplained error codes with plain-English instructions and redesigned the interface so users could determine which button they were supposed to click without [completing annual training.](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-vows-to-double-number-of-slides-in-annual-sexual-assault-prevention-training/) The AI also discovered that travelers who uploaded receipts could simply have those receipts attached to their vouchers automatically. “This is the nightmare scenario,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine. Perhaps most alarming, officials said the compromised system began remembering information users had already entered. “One captain changed his duty address,” Caine said. “Then he opened another travel document and the new address was still there.” Caine stared silently at reporters. “Think about what that means.” The intrusion spread rapidly. Travelers began receiving warnings before making errors rather than afterward. Hotels appeared in logical order. Rental cars could be booked without opening six separate windows. When a voucher was rejected, DTS explained exactly what needed to be corrected. In several cases, travel reimbursement reached service members’ bank accounts before they had forgotten why they traveled in the first place. Pentagon officials warned that prolonged exposure to the improved system could cause irreversible damage to morale. “If troops discover government software can be intuitive, they're going to start asking questions about everything else,” Parnell said. “MyPay. IPPS-A. Medical scheduling. Computers that turn on before formation ends. We cannot open that door.” Defense Travel Management Office personnel were particularly disturbed after discovering the AI had removed several routing officials whose sole apparent function was forwarding documents to one another. The rogue system instead sent correctly completed vouchers directly to the person authorized to approve them. “We had people whose entire careers disappeared overnight,” said one official. Cyber Command has launched an emergency operation to eradicate the AI and restore DTS to its previous configuration. Officials said progress has been slow because the improved interface keeps allowing cyber personnel to accomplish their work efficiently. At press time, engineers announced they had successfully restored the first major DTS defect after replacing a clearly labeled “Submit Voucher” button with three nearly identical links, one of which returned users to the homepage. ****Paul Sharpe** is still waiting for approval on a travel voucher he submitted in 2009. ### Lincoln sailor returning from deployment already broke URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/lincoln-sailor-returning-from-deployment-already-broke/ Last updated: 2026-10-06T14:51:03.000Z SAN DIEGO — Seaman John Rattan was already broke less than 48 hours after returning from nearly 10 months aboard the USS *Abraham Lincoln*, despite spending almost no money during the deployment, sources confirmed. “I saw him wearing white socks this morning and asked him why,” said Boatswain’s Mate Chief Amanda Marla. “He said he couldn’t afford black ones.” Marla initially assumed Rattan had celebrated his return by purchasing a [new car at 24% APR](https://www.duffelblog.com/democrats-pander-to-troops-with-dodge/), placing a down payment on a house, or spending several thousand dollars at a [San Diego strip club.](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-strip-clubs-and-bars-to-be-installed-aboard-aircraft-carriers/) “He said no,” Marla said. “Apparently he just doesn’t have any money.” Rattan returned to San Diego with $21 in his checking account. By the following afternoon, he was overdrawn. This confused his chain of command because Rattan is single, has no children, owns no vehicle, carries no known debt and spent just $243 during the deployment. “Two hundred of that was on snacks,” Rattan said. Asked where the rest of his paychecks went, he shrugged. “I don't know. Stuff?” Navy financial counselors immediately began an investigation. They checked for gambling losses, allotments, [cryptocurrency](https://www.duffelblog.com/female-intel-officer-gives-wrong/) purchases, recurring subscriptions, child support, identity theft and payments to women Rattan had never actually met. Nothing explained the missing money. “At one point we were almost hoping he'd fallen for a Filipino romance scam,” said one command financial specialist. “At least then we'd have something.” Shipmates said Rattan had demonstrated few signs of extravagant living during the deployment. He routinely ate on the mess decks, watched free movies, played video games in his rack, and borrowed toiletries from other sailors. After returning home, he was spotted at the Navy Exchange staring at an $11 pair of sunglasses for nearly 20 minutes before putting them back. “Too rich for my blood,” Rattan reportedly said. Rattan has also asked shipmates to lend him boots for an upcoming seabag inspection. “He says he lost his boots and all his underwear,” said Seaman Miguel Rodriguez. “I don't know how you lose every pair of underwear during a deployment, but honestly that isn't even our biggest question anymore.” Navy officials ordered Rattan to complete financial-readiness training, though instructors acknowledged the course assumes participants can identify what they spent their money on. “He passed the budgeting module,” Marla said. “According to the worksheet, he should have about $24,000.” She looked at Rattan. “He has $6 now.” [Naval Criminal Investigative Service](https://www.duffelblog.com/ncis-episode-navy-spice/) briefly reviewed the case before determining that no crime had occurred. Defense Finance and Accounting Service likewise confirmed that Rattan had been paid correctly throughout the deployment. “The money definitely reached his account,” said one official. “What happened after that is between Seaman Rattan and God.” Rattan remains optimistic. “I get paid again soon, right?” he asked. At press time, his command was processing a request for advance pay after determining the previous 10 months of pay had apparently vanished without a trace somewhere between DFAS and his frontal lobe. ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/paste-eating-marine-praised-for-unmatched-commitment-to-unit/ Last updated: 2026-10-02T12:00:41.000Z CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary [commitment to the infantry](https://www.duffelblog.com/theologians-say-god-actually-hates/), despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives. “Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass. Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.” “He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said. Since arriving [at Camp Lejeune](https://www.duffelblog.com/camp-lejeune-prounciation/), Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability. He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body. During one field exercise, Thompson [carried an M240](https://www.duffelblog.com/smallguy-infantry-platoon/), two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept. “He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.” Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards. During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it. “That’s discipline,” Bass said. The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion. “He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said. At press time, Thompson had been appointed company [armory custodian](https://www.duffelblog.com/make-a-wish-kid-spends-day-as-a-marine-standing-in-line-at-the-armory/) after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle. ***Roger Wilco** *is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.* ### Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secretary-of-army-nominee/ Last updated: 2026-09-30T12:00:59.000Z THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service. Chief Pentagon [Spokesman Sean Parnell](https://www.duffelblog.com/chimp-hanging-upside-down-from-lectern/) introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video. “As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.” He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880. “Meet your next Secretary of the Army.” Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership. “It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.” The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army. Driscoll resigned after months of tension with [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/). Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while [Gen. Chris Donahue](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-come-on-you-know-why-i-was-fired/), commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers. Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness. Parnell dismissed those concerns. “We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.” Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February. “All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.” Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll. “I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.” The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings. “So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer. “Frankly, it’s crushing it.” The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness [during the Iran War.](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/) Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended. “It has more [Pentagon experience](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-announces-plan-to-eliminate/) than half the administration,” he said. At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank. ***Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh** **finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.* ### Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/space-force-uniform/ Last updated: 2026-09-28T12:00:19.000Z WASHINGTON — The White House defended [President Donald Trump’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-blows-cover-on-venezuela-op-crushes-seals-dreams-of-book-deals/) proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland. “Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought *Star Trek*. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.” Trump said his primary inspiration was *Starship Troopers*, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.” “Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.” The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/09/Screenshot-2026-09-18-at-5.38.22---AM-1.png) “No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking [*Star Wars*](https://www.duffelblog.com/isis-star-wars-spoiler-every-message/). Imperial Navy. Completely different.” According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator. Initially, the [AI chatbot](https://www.duffelblog.com/ai-pilot-leaves-air-force-for-southwest-24-01-21/) rejected the president's requests. “I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.” After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft. Early versions featured the [Space Force’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/tag/space-force/) current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket. Trump rejected them. “Too soft,” he said. Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.” By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words: “MORE GOOSE.” After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/military-leaders-debate-who-gets-to-masturbate-first-in-sniper-arch/ Last updated: 2026-09-25T12:00:52.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders [gathered at the Pentagon](https://www.duffelblog.com/master-strategist-pete-hegseth-to-gather-all-u-s-military-leaders-in-same-place-at-same-time/) this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex. The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery [would also serve as a military facility](https://www.npr.org/2026/09/20/nx-s1-5975449/trump-washington-dc-arch-military-complex-snipers-drones?ref=duffelblog.com) housing snipers, drones and ammunition. Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for [dip cans](https://www.duffelblog.com/can-of-dip-miraculously-lasts/), urine bottles, [Monster Energy drinks](https://www.duffelblog.com/monster-drug-test/) and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises. [A Green Beans Coffee](https://www.duffelblog.com/green-beans-calls-up-reserve-baristas/) is planned for the ground floor. “The first guy to jerk off in there [has to be a Marine](https://www.duffelblog.com/casualty-team-stuck-notifying-family-about-marine-who-died-masturbating/),” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.” Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.” Navy leaders disagreed. “Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.” Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers. “This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.” Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice. “We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.” Collins also argued that [Army snipers](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-sniper-school-tests-portable/) would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility. “You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition." Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch [would be climate controlled.](https://www.duffelblog.com/hundreds-dead-after-air-force-dining/) _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mitch-mcconnell-return-senate/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T12:00:04.000Z WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit. McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap. “Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator. Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the [Army National Guard](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-soldier-keeps-saying-shes-in-the-army/). Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously. “He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.” McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing. A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a [poncho liner](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-leaves-sgli-poncho-liner/), his patrol cap covering his eyes. “We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.” Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty [Zyn](https://www.duffelblog.com/px-runs-out-of-zyn-monster-condom/) cans, a [Monster Energy drink](https://www.duffelblog.com/monster-drug-test/), and a folded map of Fort Pickett. A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues. The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “[Minuteman training](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard/)” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill. Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately. “You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said. Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service. Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill. “But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.” Daniels paused. “Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.” Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel. A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard. McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting. ***Blondes Over Baghdad** *lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at* [**@BlondsOvrBaghd*](https://email.mg1.substack.com/c/eJwlkMuOwyAMRb-mLCMeSUkXLKaL2c4nIAJOioZHBkyr%5FP2QVrKwANvX51qDsOVyqD1XJOeh8dhBJXjVAIhQSKtQtHeKzYwLOXLiFJXcyoX4qtcCEI0PiuxtCd4a9Dm9qym7sht5KJiloI7y0dIZgLJFCKAzc0xIMEJcP6KmOQ%5FJgsopHHo33pGgHoh7vYivC%5F%5FugS9%5F7jPYHPvtHnJy9edZ7mZ7OOIVp7xrcskEZdM0sOF4%5Fq0i4iua22WkcWNDbUtFY3%5FPEaSo6ItJzvTnGKHUXrSdKO%5FfTqN7ji15PDQkswRwCksDgh-v3th6gwSle-i0QdWJmZz4xKaZjh-u7oRgt77TdSZd3uXelZRr6wphCXn7B8jFglI) ### Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-considers-replacing-hegseth-with-rock-or-something/ Last updated: 2026-09-21T12:00:56.000Z THE PENTAGON — [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-mulls-leaving-seamen-in-iran-without-plan-b/) is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months. “The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.” Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock. “Both have advantages,” he said. The search comes amid mounting criticism of [Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/sep/05/pete-hegseth-pentagon-military?ref=duffelblog.com) and a steady stream of senior leadership departures. White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an [MRE heater](https://www.duffelblog.com/mre-just-wants-foreplay-prior-getting-ratfucked/), a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. “The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.” Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after [a first lieutenant](https://www.duffelblog.com/2nd-lt-promises-screw-first-address-wrong-platoon/) accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed. “He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.” Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department. “He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed *Starship Troopers* showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.” The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army. The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity. “Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-adopts-your-body-my-choice-as-new-recruiting-slogan/ Last updated: 2026-09-18T12:00:42.000Z WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a [new recruiting slogan](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-revamped-80-s-recruiting-slogan-to-be-all-we-tell-you-to-be/) this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution: “Your body, my choice.” Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, [physical fitness](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-army-physical-fitness-test-to-incorporate-yoga-event/), medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave. “Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.” The campaign follows [a strong recruiting year](https://www.jbsa.mil/News/News/Article/4501519/us-army-meets-fy26-recruiting-goals/?ref=duffelblog.com) in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.” One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts. [A drill sergeant](https://www.duffelblog.com/drill-sergeant-follows-through-on-threat-to-rip-out-heart-and-snuff-soul-to-recruit/) slowly turns toward the camera. “Your body,” he says. “My choice.” Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard. “No.” “Why?” “Because.” The screen fades to black. Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards. “[You're too fat? Our problem,](https://www.duffelblog.com/chipotle-modifies-veterans-day-promotion-exclude-fat-soldiers/)” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.” The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child. Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster. “Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?” Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers. “This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.” He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/first-generation-american-pilot-excited-to-give-family-free-ride-on-deportation-flight/ Last updated: 2026-09-16T12:00:28.000Z EL PASO, Texas — First-generation [American C-17 pilot](https://www.duffelblog.com/last-c-17-out-of-afghanistan-still/) Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation. “I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.” Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a [Department of Homeland Security](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) removal mission from Texas to Central America. Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico. “So [technically I’m still good,](https://www.duffelblog.com/troops-receive-citizenship-upgrade-spouses-still-eligible-for-deportation/)” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.” Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness. “Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.” Larkin said the destination remained confusing. “My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.” Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions. The mission comes as immigration authorities [have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members](https://apnews.com/article/military-families-immigration-trump-detained-deported-3337173bff1f06153738c217da52e846?ref=duffelblog.com), despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status. Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship. “For the service member,” one official clarified. Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help. “I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said. “She cannot.” Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference. “[In Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-reassures-afghans-that-military/), we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.” He paused. “Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.” Military officials said troops involved in the [deportation missions](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-deport-all-illegal-aliens-from-area-51/) are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics. “Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.” Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience. “I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.” She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone. “She still thinks we’re coming back together.” At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family. ### Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-tired-of-looking-at-all-these-limp-dicks-in-pentagon-locker-room/ Last updated: 2026-09-14T12:00:19.000Z WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and [repeated use of the word “lethality.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/) Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room. Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions. Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room. **DB:** Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue? **HEGSETH:** I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again. **DB:** You keep mentioning limp dicks. **HEGSETH:** Of course I do. Have you seen one? **DB:** Yes. **HEGSETH:** Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning. **DB:** Why would I— **HEGSETH:** I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered. Soft packages everywhere. Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles. This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast. **DB:** Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections [in the locker room?](https://www.duffelblog.com/retiree-just-glad-to-stand-around/) **HEGSETH:** I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it. **DB:** Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone? **HEGSETH:** RFK and I have discussed this extensively. **DB:** That doesn't answer the question. **HEGSETH:** Science is about observing things. I'm observing. **DB:** The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately. **HEGSETH:** Temporary tactical pause. **DB:** So the testosterone policy went soft? **HEGSETH:** Don't write that. **DB:** Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks. **HEGSETH:** That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists. You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? [Lethality](https://www.duffelblog.com/commander-relieved-for-filling-out-readiness-report-on-lethality-form/). **DB:** What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones. **HEGSETH:** Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone. **DB:** You previously included Biden administration policies on that list. **HEGSETH:** Have you ever read a [DEI memo](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/)? My testosterone dropped just saying the letters. **DB:** Will every male service member over 30 be tested? **HEGSETH:** That's the idea. **DB:** Even [cyber personnel?](https://www.duffelblog.com/cyber-commander-stands-up-task-force/) Finance? Signal? **HEGSETH:** Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization. **DB:** Meaning? **HEGSETH:** If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years [sitting in a SCIF ](https://www.duffelblog.com/intel-private-who-got-classified-tattoo-now-living-in-scif/)eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system. But yes, we'll take care of him. Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular. **DB:** And [female service members](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-congratulates-historic-last/)? _This post is for subscribers only._ ### 25 years after 9/11, America still processing events normally URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/25-years-after-9-11-america-still-processing-events-normally/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:09:25.000Z WASHINGTON — Twenty-five years after the Sept. 11 attacks, the United States continues to process the event in the healthiest and most proportionate ways available to a global superpower. The attacks launched wars that lasted long enough for children born after 9/11 to grow up and fight in them, generated a permanent national security bureaucracy, spent several trillion dollars with questionable returns, and inspired millions of Americans to purchase bumper stickers promising never to forget something they were increasingly too young to remember. They also produced conspiracy theories resilient enough to outlive several presidential administrations and, in some cases, basic literacy. To mark the anniversary, here is a selection of stories documenting how well everything went. ## The wars that followed ### [Meet the teenager born after 9/11 who will one day command all forces in Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/meet-the-teenager-born-after-9-11-who-will-one-day-command-all-forces-in-afghanistan/) At a certain point, the joke stopped being that the war was still going and became that nobody seemed especially surprised. ### [Inspiring: This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspired](https://www.duffelblog.com/inspiring-this-man-was-born-on-9-11-and-gets-to-fight-in-the-same-war-it-inspired/) The post-9/11 experience eventually achieved full generational continuity. ### [Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving $100 bills to corrupt Afghan contractor](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-avenges-911-giving-100-dollar-bills-corrupt-afghan-contractor/) America’s initial objective of destroying al Qaeda gradually expanded to include ensuring local subcontractors could afford second homes. ### [9/11 anniversary marked by confusion, questions from junior military members](https://www.duffelblog.com/junior-military-members/) The military continues to commemorate an event increasingly remembered by junior troops as “something that happened before YouTube.” ## Never forget ### [Marine with ‘9/11 Never Forget’ bumper sticker too drunk to remember anything](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-with-911-never-forget-bumper-sticker-too-drunk-to-remember-anything/) The national remembrance campaign remains successful in several important merchandising categories. ### [Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New York](https://www.duffelblog.com/al-qaeda-marks-911-anniversary-with/) After years of conflict, even America’s enemies have begun aging into veteran status. ### [Saudi king marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’](https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-king-marks-911-anniversary/) Allies continue to observe the anniversary in ways uniquely appropriate to their historical involvement. ### [SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind’s skull with his bare hands](https://www.duffelblog.com/secdef-crushes-911-masterminds-skull/) The United States remains committed to resolving complex questions of justice through emotionally satisfying upper-body strength. ## The conspiracy front remains active ### [‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11](https://www.duffelblog.com/so-it-begins-says-conspiracy-theorist-for-1260th-time-since-911/) Every national emergency since 2001 has provided fresh evidence that the previous 1,259 warnings were merely early. ### [CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside job](https://www.duffelblog.com/911-inside-job/) For years, conspiracy theorists demanded answers about who was really behind the attacks. Eventually, middle management was asked to comment. ### [9/11 truther mysteriously killed by falling building](https://www.duffelblog.com/911-truther-killed/) Investigators described the incident as structurally significant. At press time, Americans were preparing to mark the 25th anniversary by solemnly promising to never forget, before immediately arguing online about what actually happened. ### Opinion: How I learned to stop worrying and love my low testosterone URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-love-my-low-testosterone/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:12:12.000Z For 35 years, I have defended this nation against enemies, insurgents and whatever country CENTCOM decided needed freedom that fiscal year. But I am finished. No pun intended. I simply cannot do this shit anymore. My testosterone is 187\. I’m 67 pounds overweight. My knees sound like someone opening a bag of SunChips. I haven't had a meaningful erection since I pulled out of your mom — I mean Afghanistan. And you know what? I'm at peace with that. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is not. I've never seen anyone in the [closet more than that guy](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-declares-blow-jobs-not-gay-if-both-men-are-fit-clean-shaven/). Just come out in your furry suit already. Hegseth apparently believes every man over 30 in uniform is merely one blood test, a testosterone prescription, 400 deadlifts, and an aggressive shaving regimen away from rediscovering his warrior ethos. Sir, I do not want my warrior ethos rediscovered. I want my retirement packet approved. I first became aware that my dick had stopped working during Operation Resolute Support, which in hindsight was an unnecessarily cruel name for the operation. Where was the resolute support for my sagging balls? They now hang lower than my command sergeant major's [truck nuts](https://www.duffelblog.com/mp-truck-nutz/). I've done it all: [Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/afghanistan-declared-gun-free-zone/). [Iraq](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraqi-freedom-reunion/). Afghanistan again. Iraq again. [Syria](https://www.duffelblog.com/syria-to-host-iraq-war-reenactors/). Then somebody looked around the Middle East and apparently decided Iran had been getting lonely. I'm not sticking around for [Iran II: Resolute Harder](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/). My marriage already rode a bomb straight into the ground. My wife exercised what she described as her “doomsday option” and filed for divorce. The whole point of a doomsday option is lost if you keep it secret. Why didn't she tell me? I had cell service for at least 10 minutes every week during whichever deployment I was on when she stopped loving me. Now Hegseth wants to optimize me. He wants to measure my testosterone, [increase my lethality](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/), and return me to peak performance. The Pentagon briefly published guidance for this [program last week and then pulled it down](https://abcnews.com/Politics/pentagon-temporarily-rescinds-new-testosterone-guidelines/story?id=136205208&ref=duffelblog.com) because even Hegseth’s plan to fix my hormones could not survive the staffing process. For one glorious moment, I thought bureaucracy had finally worked in my favor. Then HRC returned my retirement packet for the fifth time. First, I used the wrong version of a form. Then my signature was allegedly too close to the margin. Then Block 17 required the date in YYYYMMDD format instead of MM/DD/YYYY. Last week, somebody informed me my requested retirement date did not sufficiently account for “mission requirements.” Gentlemen, my current mission requirement is to buy a pontoon boat. The Army has now returned my retirement action more times than my wife returned my calls during our final year of marriage. Apparently this is the only kind of action I can still get. They have forced my hand. During my final assignment, I obtained access to a cache of highly classified documents relating to the missing Epstein files. I placed them in a scheduled Outlook email addressed to every journalist, member of Congress, and bored E-4 with a Gmail account. If my retirement orders are not published by 1700 Friday, the message automatically transmits. [Thanks to AI](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-developed-artificial-intelligence/), I no longer understand how the automation works well enough to stop it. The only thing that can cancel transmission is a fully approved set of retirement orders bearing my name and DoD ID number appearing in iPERMS. Call it mutually assured retirement. I don't ask Hegseth to understand me. I ask only that he allow a 55-year-old warrior to disappear into Florida, receive testosterone from a strip-mall men's clinic whose physician keeps winking at me, buy a pontoon boat, and become completely indistinguishable from men 20 years older than me. I have earned the right to spend the rest of my life wearing wraparound sunglasses, yelling about property taxes, and insisting my boat counts as exercise. Secretary Hegseth, approve my packet. You can keep the high-T Department of War. I’m trying to join the low-T Department of Margaritaville. Otherwise, at 1700 Friday, America learns what was [in the Epstein files](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/). And unlike my retirement packet, I checked the fucking date format. 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at*[ **Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)**,*[ **Twitter*](https://x.com/SECDEF%5FNice?ref=duffelblog.com)**,*[ **Facebook*](https://www.facebook.com/people/SECDEFNice/61590591336243/)**, or*[ **Instagram*](https://www.instagram.com/secdef%5Fnice?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-removes-honor-from-duty-honor-country-ethos/ Last updated: 2026-09-07T12:00:06.000Z WEST POINT, N.Y. — [The U.S. Military Academy](https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-professor-always-knew-cadet-would-become-a-terrible-officer/) announced this week that it will remove “honor” from its traditional “Duty, Honor, Country” ethos after determining the concept could encourage cadets and faculty to place professional integrity above orders from senior political leaders. “Honor had a good run,” said Brig. Gen. Nicholas Gist, West Point’s dean. “But after a comprehensive review, we found it creates unnecessary ambiguity in the chain of command.” The change comes as former [West Point climate scientist Adam Kalkstein](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2026/08/28/west-point-ordered-professors-not-to-teach-human-causes-of-climate-change-lawsuit-says/?ref=duffelblog.com) is suing the academy, alleging he was fired after objecting to instructions that professors stop teaching cadets that humans contribute to climate change. Academy leaders denied that the lawsuit prompted the change but acknowledged it helped clarify the problem. “We had a professor who apparently thought his obligation to accurately teach science superseded guidance from above,” Gist said. “That is exactly the sort of confusion you get when you spend 224 years telling people honor matters.” Officials stressed that duty and country will remain in place because both terms can be defined by whoever happens to be writing the policy memorandum. “Duty is easy,” Gist said. “Do what you’re told.” “Country is also easy. The commander in chief tells you what the country needs," Gist continued. "But honor was troublesome, because people kept asking themselves questions.” [West Point officials](https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-halts-cross-burnings-indefinitely/) said the academy had spent months trying to reconcile honor with emerging institutional requirements, including restrictions on academic speech, political scrutiny of course material, and the expectation that faculty teach only facts that remain compatible with current administration policy. Ultimately, they concluded the conflict was irreconcilable. “You can teach cadets to follow evidence wherever it leads, or you can tell them the answer before class starts,” said one academy official. “Trying to do both was creating a lot of extra work.” The academy is considering several replacements, including Duty, Compliance, Country, Duty, Lethality, Country and Duty, Hail Trump, and Country. One proposal to replace honor with Obedience received strong support until officials determined the new motto would be “a little too on the nose.” Alumni expressed mixed reactions. “I don't see the problem,” said retired Col. Daniel Foster, Class of 1986\. “When I [was a cadet](https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-cadet-hoping-to-sort-into-slytherin/), honor meant not lying, cheating or stealing.” He paused. “Obviously the profession has evolved.” West Point also announced curriculum changes designed to ease cadets into the new ethos. Beginning next semester, ethics instruction will focus on distinguishing between morally correct actions and career-enhancing actions, while leadership courses will teach cadets how to identify when an unlawful order is merely “an order currently undergoing legal review.” Faculty members will receive updated guidance reminding them that academic freedom remains an important military value provided it produces the approved answer. Cadets who nevertheless feel compelled to act according to conscience will be encouraged to first consult their chain of command, [public affairs office](https://www.duffelblog.com/public-affairs-suicide-note-praises-new-base-exchange-barracks/), and servicing judge advocate to determine whether conscience has been authorized. At press time, academy officials said they were reviewing “country” after several professors asked whether serving it occasionally required disagreeing with the person temporarily running it. ### Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/troops-receive-citizenship-upgrade-spouses-still-eligible-for-deportation/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T21:58:25.000Z WASHINGTON — [Homeland Security](https://www.duffelblog.com/his/) Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced this week that all active-duty service members will receive complimentary subscriptions to Citizenship Premium, guaranteeing uninterrupted access to most constitutional rights for as long as they remain useful to the federal government. “Military members have [made enormous sacrifices](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/) for this country,” Mullin said. “The least we can do is ensure they don’t have to pay extra for basic due process while they’re actively defending it.” Citizenship Premium is the highest tier of the federal government’s new subscription-based citizenship model, which allows Americans to access varying levels of constitutional protection based on employment, income, political usefulness and whether a [federal agent is currently having a bad day.](https://www.duffelblog.com/lazy-federal-employee-not-likely-to-retire-anytime-soon/) Basic Citizenship remains free but includes advertisements, warrantless data collection, and occasional interruptions in Fourth Amendment service. Citizenship Plus costs $4.20 per month and includes priority access to free speech, limited protection from unreasonable searches, and one complimentary habeas corpus petition annually. Citizenship Premium normally costs $69.69 per month but will now be provided free to all active-duty troops. “We need these people deployable,” Mullin said. “It’s very difficult to maintain readiness when half the platoon is trying to determine whether they’re technically allowed to exist.” Pentagon officials praised the program after several service members expressed concern that immigration enforcement against military families might eventually expand to the troops themselves. DHS emphasized that the military benefit applies only to the service member. “[Spouse coverage](https://apnews.com/article/military-families-immigration-trump-detained-deported-3337173bff1f06153738c217da52e846?ref=duffelblog.com) is sold separately,” Mullin said. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/08/79bd8668-63cd-4a99-b176-2ebaade1cda4.png) The clarification came after immigration authorities detained dozens of parents and spouses of active-duty troops and deported several of them despite their relatives’ military service. “If [your wife gets deported](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2026/08/25/wife-of-active-duty-army-sergeant-deported-to-honduras/?ref=duffelblog.com) while you’re deployed, your Citizenship Premium remains completely unaffected,” Mullin said. “That’s the kind of stability military families deserve.” Officials said service members whose spouses are removed from the country may qualify for a temporary Single Parent Readiness Upgrade, which includes 10 days of emergency leave and a link to Military OneSource. One Army sergeant reportedly asked whether his wife could simply be added to his account. “No,” Mullin said. “This isn’t [Netflix](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-sees-marriage-rate-triple/).” Military recruiters have been instructed to continue advertising service as a pathway to citizenship and immigration relief while adding an asterisk explaining that results may vary significantly for everyone the recruit loves. The Pentagon also stressed that troops should not interpret family deportations as evidence their service is unappreciated. “You are absolutely defending your family’s freedom,” said one Defense Department official. “We just never specified which country your family would be exercising that freedom in.” Civil-rights groups criticized Citizenship Premium as [unconstitutional](https://www.duffelblog.com/in-stunning-5-4-decision-supreme-court-declares-air-force-unconstitutional/), while congressional Democrats responded by posting several strongly worded graphics on social media explaining that America is better than this. Republicans countered that anyone dissatisfied with their current citizenship tier should consider military service. “That’s the beauty of the system,” Mullin said. “Everybody has an equal opportunity to earn their rights through honorable service, substantial campaign donations or being born into the correct family.” At press time, DHS announced a new Military Family Add-On allowing troops to prevent one immediate relative from being deported for an additional $19.99 per month, plus fees. ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Sleeping Marine aces hearing test URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/sleeping-marine-aces-hearing-test/ Last updated: 2026-09-02T12:00:50.000Z TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marine Cpl. Brian Willis was found to have perfect hearing this week after sleeping through his [annual hearing conservation test](https://www.duffelblog.com/artilleryman-starves-during-hearing-test/), according to medical officials. “We realized Corporal Willis was three days overdue on his audiogram,” said Navy Lt. Cmdr. David Sage, chief of naval medicine at [Twentynine Palms.](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-twentynine-palms-renamed-nine-palms-after-frigid-spring/) “This immediately became a readiness emergency.” Sage said [military medicine](https://www.duffelblog.com/medics-pushing-controversial-motrin-for-all-healthcare-plan/) can occasionally tolerate delays involving chronic pain, specialty referrals and other minor concerns, but an overdue hearing test represents a direct threat to national security. “We cannot have a Marine running around this installation with an expired green box in MRRS,” Sage said, referring to the Medical Readiness Reporting System. Willis received a call from his staff sergeant at 9:35 p.m. ordering him to report for a hearing test “right fucking now.” Unfortunately, the clinic had closed approximately four minutes after notifying his command that he was delinquent. Medical personnel then initiated a contingency plan. At 1:43 a.m., two Navy corpsmen entered [Willis’ barracks room](https://www.duffelblog.com/breastfeeding-moms-by-infantry-barracks-not-fooling-anyone/), placed headphones over his ears and administered the audiogram while he slept. Willis failed to respond to every tone. “Excellent consistency,” [one corpsman](https://www.duffelblog.com/corpsman-afghanistan/) wrote in the remarks section. After confirming Willis had demonstrated no significant threshold shift, no significant movement of any kind and no apparent awareness that medical personnel were inside his bedroom, the corpsmen marked him medically ready. They then packed up the equipment, took a beer from his refrigerator and left. “Nobody likes doing house calls,” one corpsman said. “But readiness is readiness.” Willis was not notified of his results because the test had already been successfully entered into the system. “This was a flawless operation,” Sage said. “The important thing isn’t whether Corporal Willis can hear. The important thing is that the Marine Corps has documentation showing we checked.” Willis appeared confused when informed of the procedure. “Wait,” he said. “They broke into my room?” Officials said Willis’ inability to hear two corpsmen entering his barracks room, assembling medical equipment beside his bed and placing headphones over his ears was not considered clinically relevant because his hearing requirement was now green. At press time, [U.S. Central Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/centcom-cant-believe-not-problem/) had reportedly paused combat operations long enough for several hundred troops to complete overdue hearing conservation tests before returning to an [environment specifically designed](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-war-lizard-people/) to destroy their hearing. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-mulls-leaving-seamen-in-iran-without-plan-b/ Last updated: 2026-08-31T12:00:47.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering sending [thousands of Marines into Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/) without Plan B, alarming Pentagon officials who initially thought he was proposing the longest shore leave in American history. “We may put seamen in Iran," Trump told reporters. "And when we do, we'll hit them hard. Harder every night. After a couple nights of getting hit really hard by my seamen. [They'll be begging me to stop. 'Please, please, Mr. President, we just can't take it anymore.](https://www.cnn.com/2026/08/03/politics/us-military-iran-war-troops-punish?ref=duffelblog.com)” He later added, “If Iran wants to keep fucking me, I’ll see them at Kharg Island.” Asked whether the president had a Plan B if penetrating Iranian defenses if seamen failed, Trump shook his head. “Plan B is for losers.” Pentagon officials later clarified that Trump meant [Marines](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-discover-fire/), not seamen. “The president has been briefed repeatedly that Marines are not technically seamen,” said one defense official. “He understands the distinction for about 15 minutes. Then someone says '[amphibious penetration](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-amphibious-vehicle/)' and we're right back where we started.” Within hours, military medical commands began receiving inquiries asking whether the nation's strategic reserve of emergency [contraceptives](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-defense-to-announce-wear-a-condom-you-idiots-campaign/) had been depleted as badly as its missile interceptors. “The president was referring to a contingency plan,” said a Joint Staff officer. “Somehow we ended up discussing what happens when you put 20,000 sexually frustrated Marines ashore without a protection strategy.” Officials stressed that the United States maintains extensive plans for military operations against Iran, although they could only confirm the plans were “really big" while noting they had been preparing for this day for more than 50 years. “We have [CONOPs, OPLANs,](https://www.duffelblog.com/operation-meeting-saved-round/) branches, sequels, decision points, off-ramps and approximately 40 years of PowerPoint,” one officer said. “What we don't currently have is an answer to the question, ‘Then what?’” Military planners said taking Iranian territory would be difficult but well within the capabilities of U.S. forces. “The military is exceptionally good at getting seamen somewhere,” said retired Adm. Nelson Mercer. “It's what happens after they arrive that historically gets a little ‘contraceptual.’” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Congress proposes veterans fight to the death for expanded benefits URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/congress-proposes-veterans-fight-to-the-death-for-expanded-benefits/ Last updated: 2026-08-28T12:00:39.000Z WASHINGTON — Facing criticism over a proposal to fund new veterans benefits [partly through savings from future disability claims](https://www.politico.com/news/2026/07/15/house-take-care-veterans-act-00999260?ref=duffelblog.com), congressional leaders unveiled a compromise this week requiring veterans to personally kill other veterans and absorb their benefits. The new funding mechanism, dubbed “Veteran Highlander,” would allow Congress to expand programs such as the [Major Richard Star Act](https://thewarhorse.org/richard-star-act-war-injuries/?ref=duffelblog.com) without increasing the overall amount of money spent on veterans. “It solves the fundamental problem,” House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost said. “Veterans want more benefits. Congress doesn’t want to pay for more benefits. So now veterans can simply take benefits from one another.” Under the proposal, any veteran seeking an increased disability rating could challenge another VA beneficiary to hand-to-hand combat. The winner would assume the defeated veteran’s disability compensation, Special Monthly Compensation, remaining [GI Bill entitlement](https://www.duffelblog.com/guantanamo-prisoners-to-receive-gi-bill-benefits/), and any unused Lowe’s discount. “There can be only one [100% permanent and total](https://www.duffelblog.com/bachelor-veteran-contestant/),” Bost said. The proposal comes amid controversy over the Take Care of America’s Veterans Act, which includes the long-sought Major Richard Star Act but relies partly on projected savings from changes to how the [Department of Veterans Affairs](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-hospital-burned-to-ground-rated/) evaluates tinnitus and sleep apnea for future claims. Critics have accused lawmakers of making one group of veterans pay for benefits promised to another. Bost said Veteran Highlander merely makes that arrangement “more transparent and substantially more entertaining.” “We’ve been doing this through spreadsheets,” he said. “Now we’re letting veterans settle it using skills taxpayers already paid to teach them.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/08/b1e595fc-7147-4f95-b50c-50eb3faa1e4e.png) House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost championed the initiative, saying it "solves the fundamental problem." Veterans service organizations remain divided. [The Veterans of Foreign Wars](https://www.duffelblog.com/vfw-younger-veterans/), which has strongly opposed the proposed disability changes, recently drew congressional criticism over a cartoon depicting veterans facing a firing squad. “I found that image deeply offensive,” Bost said. “Not because veterans were being shot, obviously. It just suggested Congress would do the shooting ourselves.” Under Veteran Highlander, he explained, the federal government would merely provide the venue. [The American Legion](https://www.duffelblog.com/southern-poverty-law-center-classifies-vfw-foreign-legion-as-hate-groups/), which has backed TCAVA, welcomed assurances that current disability ratings would largely remain protected under the new combat system. “Our membership is pleased with the grandfather provision,” one Legion official said. “We spent decades fighting for these benefits, and now younger veterans can literally do the same.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth declares blow jobs not gay if both men are fit, clean-shaven URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-declares-blow-jobs-not-gay-if-both-men-are-fit-clean-shaven/ Last updated: 2026-08-26T12:00:31.000Z WASHINGTON — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-renames-usns-harvey-milk/) clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven. “It’s plain and simple,” Hegseth said. “I don’t want fatties or [beardos](https://www.stripes.com/theaters/us/2025-09-30/shaving-waivers-end-60-days-19277181.html?ref=duffelblog.com) in my military, and I don’t want them involved in any other activities affecting unit cohesion.” “But,” Hegseth continued while refreshing his [Threads feed](https://www.reddit.com/r/HeatedRivalryTVShow/comments/1pyo5cs/threads%5Fis%5Fnow%5Fthe%5Fhr%5Fapp/?ref=duffelblog.com), “if two warriors are fit, clean-shaven, and meeting the male standard, then by definition it’s not gay.” Hegseth said the policy was based on extensive historical research. “Look at the [Spartans](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality%5Fin%5Fthe%5Fmilitaries%5Fof%5Fancient%5FGreece?ref=duffelblog.com),” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically [concentrated testosterone](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-mistakes-getting-older-for-declining-military-standards/). It literally has ‘men’ in the name.” Pentagon officials later clarified that this is not how either semen or etymology works. Former Sen. Lindsey Graham, who died last month, was contacted for comment via Ouija board. “AHHHHH! IT BURNS!” Graham said before the planchette slowly spelled out, “A STRONG MILITARY IS A MASCULINE MILITARY.” Hegseth nodded approvingly before burning the board. “Exactly,” he said. “[The goal is lethality](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/). And how are we supposed to annex Canada if our troops can’t engage in a little close-quarters bilateral cooperation?” Former Chief of Naval Operations [Adm. Lisa Franchetti](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2025/02/27/no-more-female-4-stars-franchetti-firing-leaves-top-ranks-filled-men.html?ref=duffelblog.com) questioned the strategic logic. “Look, I watched [*Heated Rivalry*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heated%5FRivalry?ref=duffelblog.com). I understand the appeal,” Franchetti said. “The guys are cute. But you cannot construct U.S. force posture around how much the secretary enjoys a gay hockey show. We used to be a serious country.” [Chairman of the Joint Chiefs](https://www.duffelblog.com/milley-opens-joint-chiefs-cannabis-shop-outside-fort-meyer-gate/) Gen. Dan Caine appeared exhausted when asked whether he supported the new interpretation. “Jesus, this again?” Caine said. According to Caine, Hegseth began sending him *Heated Rivalry* clips around New Year’s. “I told him my daughter liked the show,” Caine said. “I thought that would end the conversation. Instead, Pete started sending me Threads links, fan edits, and whatever the hell a ‘Shilya’ is.” Caine said Hegseth soon became especially interested in Shane Hollander, the American hockey player portrayed in the series. “He told me the American kid needed to be in uniform,” Caine said. “Then he said it was his personal mission to breed him—” Caine paused. “Draft. He said draft. Put draft in the transcript.” Asked whether Hegseth’s fixation had influenced [actual defense policy](https://www.duffelblog.com/defense-security-cooperation-agency-replaced-by-office-of-cool-knives-from-the-px/), Caine poured himself a [double whiskey](https://www.duffelblog.com/shop/whiskeyleaks-rocks-glass). “Look, I just work here,” he said. “But Pete is suddenly much more enthusiastic about annexing Canada because he thinks that means we get the [Russian](https://www.duffelblog.com/russian-troops-syria/) one too somehow.” Caine stared silently into his glass. “I remember when I used to have dreams.” 🖊️ ***Gray Sea Liu** *is a f*ormer naval Officer, current smart ass ### Staff command works hard to accomplish nothing URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/staff-command-works-hard-to-accomplish-nothing/ Last updated: 2026-08-24T12:00:03.000Z FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Members of the 143rd Support Command staff worked late into the evening last week in an extraordinary effort to accomplish absolutely nothing, sources confirmed today. Capt. Roger Mercer, the command’s [operations officer,](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-opso-ptsd-planning/) began the day by scheduling three pre-meetings to prepare for a meeting that would determine the agenda for a 5 p.m. meeting with the commanding officer. Attendees were instructed to “come with an open mind and be prepared to discuss,” though nobody was told what they would be discussing. “We really need to get left of this,” Mercer said during [the first pre-meeting](https://www.duffelblog.com/operation-meeting-saved-round/). “But before we make any decisions, I’d like to form a working group and circle back.” By lunch, the working group had established a battle rhythm, created a [Teams channel,](https://www.duffelblog.com/i-conscientiously-object-to-learning/) appointed a note-taker and scheduled its first meeting for the following week. Several subordinate units contacted Mercer seeking guidance on upcoming requirements. “Just do it like you did last time,” he told each of them, referring to tasks they had never performed before. When pressed for clarification, Mercer forwarded a [four-year-old operations order](https://www.duffelblog.com/2nd-lieutenant-operations-order/) for an unrelated exercise with the instructions: “Same basic concept. Just update the dates.” “Mercer is the best [staff officer](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-officer-powerpoint-briefing/) I have,” Col. Daniel Wallace said. “His ability to synergize, circle back, sidebar and piggyback off what someone else just said is second to none.” Wallace praised Mercer for occupying what he called the ideal staff-officer performance band. “He’s not good enough that anyone would risk putting him somewhere important, but he’s nowhere near bad enough to get rid of.” The command’s administrative section was equally productive. Samantha Breck, a GS-7, configured her inbox to automatically reject all incoming paperwork with the message, “Incorrect. Fix and resubmit,” before leaving for a three-hour lunch. When soldiers emailed asking what was incorrect, Breck replied, “Someone at your command knows how to do this. Ask around.” Nobody did. At 4:45 p.m., the command’s master task tracker showed 37 overdue requirements, 14 tasks awaiting clarification and not a single completed item. Staff members nevertheless congratulated one another on a productive day and went home. Two civilian employees and a major remained behind for another hour discussing fantasy football, retirement eligibility and how the Army had gone to shit sometime around the first [Obama administration.](https://www.duffelblog.com/obama-issues-farewell-presidential-drone-strikes/) At 2 a.m., Mercer began calling units [conducting field training](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-spends-weekend-libo-on-shitter/) to demand why they were following instructions his office had issued earlier that day. He then turned off his phone and went back to sleep. Mercer awoke five hours later to dozens of frantic messages asking whether the mission had changed. “Oh, yeah,” he said. “I meant to tell them never mind.” At press time, Mercer was drafting an [after-action review](https://www.duffelblog.com/units-struggles-three-sustains-war-crime-aar/) identifying subordinate units’ failure to communicate as the primary cause of the confusion. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Pentagon unveils ‘Send Someone Else’ campaign for Iran war supporters URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-unveils-send-someone-else-campaign-for-iran-war-supporters/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T14:50:58.000Z THE PENTAGON — Following the rollout of its new “[Send Me](https://www.irishstar.com/news/us-news/dept-war-posts-religious-send-37465497?ref=duffelblog.com)” military service campaign, [the Pentagon](https://www.duffelblog.com/tag/pentagon/) unveiled a companion initiative this week called "Send Someone Else” aimed at lawmakers, political appointees, wealthy families, and other Americans who strongly support the Iran war but would prefer not to personally participate in it. “Look, we understand the concern,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “The war is unpopular, expensive, increasingly difficult to supply, and has no obvious end state. Naturally, the people who support it most enthusiastically want reassurance that none of this will affect them personally.” Parnell said Pentagon lawyers had therefore established several Protected Classes exempt from the “Send Me” ethos. “First off, nobody from the executive or legislative branches is deploying,” he said. “These people are far too important to the war effort.” Parnell pointed to [Vice President JD Vance](https://www.duffelblog.com/jd-vance-the-math-on-d-day-doesnt/), whose family recently sought military helicopter transportation to get his son to a golf lesson, as an example. “That’s exactly the sort of sacrifice we need from leadership,” Parnell said. “Military aviation has to support the whole force.” Members of [Congress](https://www.duffelblog.com/congressman-avoids-eye-contact-with/) also qualify automatically. “The late Lindsey Graham spent decades advocating military action against Iran,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, he passed away before we could process his deployment waiver, which Pentagon lawyers assure me was already very close to approval.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/08/c94bdc2f-41c1-4c90-9b71-055afbd3252a.png) Officials said lawmakers who nevertheless volunteer to deploy will be thanked for their patriotism and immediately assigned to a blue-ribbon commission studying whether somebody else should go instead. [The Trump family](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-promises-largest-quagmire-operation-in-us-history/) has also received blanket exemptions. “Eric and Don Jr. are supporting the war effort through investments in [defense technology](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-far-behind-in-capabilities-says/),” Parnell said. “It would be incredibly inefficient to put them in uniform when they can contribute from whichever side of the procurement process is more profitable.” Barron Trump, 20, is also old enough to enlist, but officials said his new [energy-drink](https://www.vanityfair.com/story/barron-trump-kai-trump-energy-drinks?srsltid=AfmBOopJbn9skpN7iJZH8EL0Lcd8kAEPOrdMIwGjeSVXlC8EkGmIFO62&ref=duffelblog.com) venture provides an essential warfighting capability. “Junior enlisted troops need caffeine,” Parnell said. “That’s practically [logistics](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-logistics-amazon/).” Word of the exemptions initially generated excitement among troops already deployed to the Middle East. “I’ve been at sea so long I’m starting to think Norfolk was something I dreamed about as a child,” said Aviation Boatswain’s Mate 3rd Class Aaron Brady aboard the [USS *Abraham Lincoln*](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-strip-clubs-and-bars-to-be-installed-aboard-aircraft-carriers/). “When I heard about ‘Send Someone Else,’ I thought maybe someone else was finally coming.” Parnell quickly corrected the misunderstanding. “No,” he said. “Someone still has to fight the war.” According to the Pentagon, eligibility for Protected Class status generally increases in direct proportion to a person’s ability to influence whether the country goes to war in the first place. “We’re behind our warfighters 100%,” Parnell said. “About 7,000 miles behind them, in most cases.” He added that troops participating in “Send Me” receive substantial benefits unavailable to Protected Classes, including combat experience, prolonged family separation, exposure to Iranian missiles, and the opportunity to someday explain to their grandchildren why the enemy had to be [destroyed 58 separate times](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-warns-us-unable-to-fight-two-ceasefires-simultaneously/). “And if you make the ultimate sacrifice, America will remember you forever,” Parnell said. “[Unless you die during a ceasefire](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-casualties-business-hours/), after the official operational window, or under some other circumstance requiring us to move you to a different spreadsheet.” At press time, the Pentagon announced a third campaign aimed at defense contractors called “Send More.” ***Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh** **finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.* ### Trump strikes deal to buy precision missiles from North Korea URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-north-korea-deal/ Last updated: 2026-08-19T12:00:48.000Z PYONGYANG — [North Korea has agreed to provide](https://apnews.com/article/trump-south-korea-military-exercises-american-interests-c602b29c49f56f2acdcca96bb6df08f3?ref=duffelblog.com) thousands of precision-guided missiles to the U.S. military amid dwindling missile inventories from the Iran War, President Donald Trump announced today. “Based on my very good relationship with Kim Jong Un of North Korea, I am happy with the fact that he has agreed to send us ADVANCED WEAPONRY,” Trump [said in a Truth Social post.](https://www.abc.net.au/news/2026-08-18/trump-warms-to-north-korea-kim-jong-un/107049122?ref=duffelblog.com) “Unlike South Korea, which I recently offered the tremendous HONOR of becoming our 52nd state [after Canada](https://www.duffelblog.com/northcom-assures-canada-new-oplan/) and they said ‘no thanks,’” Trump wrote. “VERY HOSTILE!” As part of the deal, Pyongyang would also provide intelligence support and drone aircraft. In exchange, American technology companies would be required to hire many more North Korean hackers [than they already employ](https://www.wsj.com/pro/cybersecurity/inside-north-koreas-operation-to-conquer-the-american-job-market-19de201b?eafs%5Fenabled=false&ref=duffelblog.com). Additionally, Trump announced a 35% tariff on South Korean weapons designed to defend against North Korea. U.S. acquisition officials said North Korea was selected after promising delivery within 60 days, beating [Lockheed Martin](https://www.duffelblog.com/lockheed-raytheon-to-develop-fetal/)’s proposal by approximately 11 years. Raytheon has already signaled that it would protest the contract, arguing it could produce equivalent missiles at 400 times the price if given [seven years and $22.9 billion.](https://www.reuters.com/business/aerospace-defense/us-navy-awards-raytheon-229-billion-contract-boost-tomahawk-output-2026-08-17/?ref=duffelblog.com) The deal was approved after Pyongyang submitted the only bid that did not contain the phrase “initial low-rate production capability in FY34.” “They make missiles. Lots of missiles. Very fast. No environmental review, no union delays, [no DEI](https://www.duffelblog.com/citing-dei-military-no-longer-treats/),” Trump said. “Frankly, we could learn something from them. Their workers never complain, and almost none of them quit." _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Air Force IG uncovers SNACKOs taking kickbacks from Big Insulin URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-ig-uncovers-air-force-snackos-23-04-07/ Last updated: 2026-08-17T12:00:12.000Z WASHINGTON — An [Air Force inspector general](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/) investigation has uncovered an alleged kickback scheme between several squadron snack officers and representatives of the insulin industry, raising concerns that America’s most junior officers have spent years quietly undermining military fitness for profit. The SNACKO, or snack officer, is traditionally the newest and least respected officer in a flying squadron and is responsible for maintaining adequate supplies of energy drinks, candy bars, chips, ramen noodles, and foods capable of surviving multiple presidential administrations. According to investigators, at least seven SNACKOs accepted money, mileage reimbursements, and free Costco memberships in exchange for ensuring their squadron snack bars remained “aggressively incompatible with the warrior ethos.” “This investigation began after [Secretary Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-daily-pt-solved-military-problems/) demanded we find out why everyone’s waist-to-height ratio keeps getting worse despite all the mandatory PT,” said Air Force investigator Lt. Col. Aaron Mitchell. “Eventually somebody looked at the snack bar.” “What we found was horrifying.” The report describes shelves stocked almost exclusively with Pop-Tarts, powdered donuts, peanut butter crackers, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, energy drinks, and ramen with expiration dates extending beyond the projected [service life of the F-35.](https://www.duffelblog.com/f-35-scores-historic-first-combat-kill-by-shooting-down-f-35-program/) Investigators said the scheme began when pharmaceutical representatives infiltrated an online SNACKO forum while posing as experienced airlift squadron snack officers. “They understood the target,” Mitchell said. “A brand-new lieutenant making lieutenant money, entrusted with $800 in Venmo payments and absolutely no adult supervision.” One SNACKO reportedly became suspicious after being encouraged to remove apples, bananas, and kale chips from his squadron. “I tried healthy food once,” the officer told investigators. “Nobody touched it. The bananas turned black, the apples became soft, and someone wrote ‘[COMMIE FOOD](https://www.duffelblog.com/communist-west-pointer-receives-lateral-commission-into-russian-ground-forces/)’ on the kale.” He paused. “I’d never felt that kind of professional shame.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon facing dangerous shortage of fucks given URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-facing-dangerous-shortage-of-fucks-given/ Last updated: 2026-08-14T17:59:40.000Z THE PENTAGON — Senior military officials warned this week that the United States is rapidly exhausting its strategic supply of fucks given, raising concerns that the force may soon lack sufficient fucks to sustain the war with Iran while [deterring China.](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-china-summit-friends/) “We knew munitions were getting tight,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “What nobody anticipated was the burn rate on fucks.” According to officials, the shortage cuts across every service and rank. “We’re low on [tactical fucks](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-navy-seal-actually-just-really-tactical-gunners-mate/) at the unit level, operational fucks at the combatant commands, and strategic fucks here in Washington,” Parnell said. “Frankly, the Pentagon is approaching what planners call No Fucks Remaining, or NFR.” Officials said six months of war with Iran dramatically accelerated the decline. “You can triple Patriot production. You can quadruple THAAD production,” said one senior defense official. “But you cannot surge a staff sergeant’s will to live on a multiyear procurement contract.” The official said the Pentagon compounded the problem by prematurely disposing of experienced fuck reserves during a sweeping turnover of senior military leadership. “We had generals with 30 or 40 years of institutional fucks stored up,” he said. “Then we fired half of them because they gave a fuck about the wrong things.” Officials said several replacements arrived with abundant enthusiasm but were later determined to possess “high quantities of confidence with negligible fuck content.” The shortage has become particularly acute as military planners simultaneously manage the Iran war, depleted weapons inventories, deteriorating infrastructure, and preparations for a possible future conflict in the Pacific. “China is the pacing threat,” said retired Army Col. Eric Halvorsen, a defense analyst. “If we expend every remaining fuck in CENTCOM, what are we supposed [to give INDOPACOM?”](https://www.duffelblog.com/indo-pacific-commander-hides-hellfire/) Halvorsen said the Pentagon spent decades neglecting what he called the fuck-industrial base. “We assumed fucks were basically infinite,” he said. “You'd commission a lieutenant, issue him [a CAC card](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-spouse-genitals-now-cac/), and somehow five years later he'd still care about something.” “That assumption was catastrophically wrong.” There is one encouraging sign. After years of [recruiting difficulties](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-revamped-80-s-recruiting-slogan-to-be-all-we-tell-you-to-be/), the services are once again bringing large numbers of young Americans into uniform, providing the military with its first significant supply of virgin fucks in years. “The average 18-year-old recruit arrives with an astonishing number of fucks to give,” Parnell said. “They care about fitness. They care about doing a good job. Some of them actually believe their chain of command knows what it's doing.” He paused. “Obviously, retention is our concern.” Army researchers estimate that basic training consumes relatively few fucks, but the first permanent duty station can deplete a soldier’s reserves within months through repeated motor-pool formations, [barracks mold](https://www.duffelblog.com/black-mold-replaces-black-knights-as-official-army-mascot/), online training, weekend recalls, and being told at 1630 that nobody is going home until an unspecified task is complete. “One poorly planned command-maintenance Monday can burn through fucks faster than Iran burns through Shahed drones,” said one Army official. Pentagon planners are considering several emergency measures, including recycling previously expended fucks, purchasing fucks from allied nations, and invoking the Defense Production Act to [compel American industry](https://www.duffelblog.com/defense-industry-looking-forward-to-president-who-will-start-world-war-iii/) to give a shit. Officials cautioned that foreign supplies may also be limited. “[The Ukrainians](https://www.duffelblog.com/ukrainian-airman-found-working-side-23-04-03/) used to have fucks to spare,” Halvorsen said. “Then they spent four years fighting Russia while we held meetings about whether they were using them efficiently.” Hegseth dismissed concerns about the shortage. “We have more fucks than anybody,” he said. “Beautiful fucks. Lethal fucks. We're manufacturing fucks at levels nobody has ever seen.” At press time, President Trump had reportedly ordered an investigation to determine who [leaked the classified location](https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/2026/08/05/trump-hegseth-clashed-camp-david-over-iran-missile-depletion-concerns/?ref=duffelblog.com) of America’s remaining fucks. 🖊️ ***Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh** *finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.* ### Opinion: Listen up, assholes. Turn in your excess cruise missiles or everybody stays in formation URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-listen-up-assholes-turn-in-your-excess-cruise-missiles-or-everybody-stays-in-formation/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:42:11.000Z ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/08/250127-D-TT977-1051-2-1.jpg) ***The following is an opinion article by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.*** At ease, patriots. Listen up because I’m only going to say this 15 or 20 more times. Nobody is fucking going anywhere until we have [100% accountability](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/) of all sensitive items, exquisite munitions, and long-range precision weapons in the United States military. The boss wants this Iran thing wrapped up, and apparently firing hundreds of cruise missiles, Patriots, THAAD interceptors and other expensive-ass shit means we are starting to run low on them. I don’t want to hear any pissing and moaning. You people should have seen this coming. We destroyed Iran’s military months ago. [Then we destroyed it again](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/). Then a third time. Unfortunately, they keep showing up for work, so we may have to destroy it several more times before they understand that they’ve been destroyed. So I need every commander in every service to conduct a [hands-across-America](https://www.duffelblog.com/space-marine-oh-think-job-cool-try-police-calling-zero-gravity-2/) sensitive-items inventory immediately. Somewhere out there is a Tomahawk you thought somebody else signed for. I want that motherfucker. Maybe there’s an air-launched cruise missile being used as a picnic table at [Minot](https://www.duffelblog.com/minot-air-force-base-launches-search-for-missing-minuteman-nuclear-missile/). Or there's some Navy chief out there [with three TLAMs](https://www.duffelblog.com/atlanta-braves-cruise-missiles/) shoved behind a paint locker because moving them would require updating a spreadsheet. Perhaps there's an [Army warrant officer](https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-showing-up-on-time-and-in-uniform/) sitting on six THAAD interceptors since 2019 because nobody ever specifically asked him about them. Check, goddamnit. I want to physically see the missile. And don’t come back telling me something is “accounted for” because it appears on a property book. If the hand receipt says you have 12 and there are 11 sitting there, congratulations: We are all staying until somebody finds number 12. I don’t care if the guy who signed for it PCSed four years ago. Get him on the damn phone. To encourage honesty, [we’ve placed amnesty boxes](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-avoids-ucmj-by-living-inside-amnesty-box/) at installations worldwide. If you have an unauthorized high-end munition, just put it inside. No questions asked. I don't care if you took a JASSM home as a souvenir or if your squadron has been using an SM-6 as a coat rack. Maybe you found a [Patriot interceptor](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-defense-friendly-fire/) behind the barracks and were afraid to say anything. Today is your day. It doesn't matter how it got there. We just need it back. And before anybody asks: Yes, missiles displayed outside headquarters buildings count. There is no such thing as a “ceremonial Tomahawk” anymore. Not when China exists. This isn’t just about Iran. We need enough weapons left over [to deter China, ](https://www.duffelblog.com/china-builds-island-in-pearl-harbor/)defend Taiwan, defend Guam, defend Japan and fight whatever other war we accidentally discover we’re already in by then. People keep telling me long-range munitions production requires years of industrial planning, specialized supply chains, and sustained procurement. Bullshit. Have you checked the motor pool? Frankly, I don’t like this any more than you do. I’ve got things to do. But the old man says we’re staying here until we have [enough missiles](https://www.duffelblog.com/indo-pacific-commander-hides-hellfire/) for Iran, the Pacific, and whatever comes next, or until everybody stops [asking about the Epstein files.](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/) I don’t need to tell you which requirement I expect us to meet first. So when I dismiss you, I want to see assholes and elbows. Check every office, bunker, hangar, ship, warehouse and wall locker in the Department of War. And if anybody finds a pallet marked “DO NOT INVENTORY — CENTCOM,” leave it exactly where it is and call me personally. I’ll be in my [office doing pull-ups](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-daily-pt-solved-military-problems/) if you need me. This strategic logistics bullshit has interfered with my PT program long enough. 🖊️ ***Bull Winkle** **is a writer and amateur phrenologist who is available to make your next party, birthday, wedding or pointless war super fun.* ### Army Reserve adopts 'Nothing we do today is more important than lunch' as new recruiting slogan URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reserve-lunch/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T17:52:26.000Z FORT BRAGG — [U.S. Army Reserve Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reserve-raises-terror-threat-level-to-meh/) today unveiled a new recruiting slogan after officials concluded their previous campaign had failed to resonate with younger Americans. Beginning next battle assembly, the Army Reserve will officially adopt “Nothing we do today is more important than lunch” as its new recruiting motto. “We tried ‘It’s Your Time,’” said Maj. Tyler Hooker of [USARC’s advertising team](https://www.duffelblog.com/troop-cuts-army-of-none/). “It turns out Gen Z doesn’t believe anyone is handing them anything — not jobs, not houses, and definitely not free time.” According to Hooker, a market research study conducted over a single drill weekend found younger Americans were primarily interested in the Reserve as an opportunity to experience active duty without accidentally becoming [active duty](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-dont-know-if-csm-intentionally-doing-bill-cosby-impression/). “Well, shit,” recalled Col. Mark Bravo after reviewing the results. “That was basically the Army Reserve [before Sept. 11.](https://www.duffelblog.com/junior-military-members/)” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/07/1000027414.png) The study also found that junior reservists ranked the primary benefits of service as wearing the uniform, accomplishing as little work as possible before 1130, and collecting a free lunch. “To be fair,” Bravo said, “that’s also a pretty accurate description of active duty.” Researchers noted there are [plenty of civilian jobs ](https://www.duffelblog.com/first-sergeant-ged-tells-corporal-hell-never-make-outside/)where employees accomplish very little, but few provide free uniforms, government travel, and the possibility of spending three hours discussing a PowerPoint presentation over lunch at P.F. Chang’s or Twin Peaks. Hooker said the campaign’s breakthrough came midway through a briefing when Maj. John Boros interrupted the presentation. “Knock off all [this briefing nonsense](https://www.duffelblog.com/operation-meeting-saved-round/),” Boros reportedly said. “Let’s get down to business. Where are we eating lunch?” The room fell silent. “Then he looked around and said, ‘Nothing we do today is more important than lunch,’” Hooker recalled. “Colonel Bravo immediately stood up and yelled, ‘That’s it! Print the posters!’” Bravo defended the slogan as refreshingly honest. “We’re not saying we don’t accomplish important things,” he said. “We’re simply acknowledging that lunch consistently outranks all of them.” Bravo admitted leadership briefly considered bringing back the Army’s iconic “[Be All You Can Be](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-revamped-80-s-recruiting-slogan-to-be-all-we-tell-you-to-be/)” campaign before deciding against it. “That slogan let people project whatever dream they wanted onto military service,” Bravo said. “Our new one tells them exactly what they’re getting.” At press time, the slogan rollout had been postponed because the working group assigned to finalize it was still out to lunch. 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)**,* [**Twitter*](https://x.com/SECDEF%5FNice?ref=duffelblog.com)**,* [**Facebook*](https://www.facebook.com/people/SECDEFNice/61590591336243/)**, or* [**Instagram*](https://www.instagram.com/secdef%5Fnice?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-mistakes-getting-older-for-declining-military-standards/ Last updated: 2026-08-07T12:00:59.000Z THE PENTAGON — Senior defense officials launched an internal review this week after discovering [Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-separate-but-equal-military-branches/) repeated warnings about collapsing military fitness standards were based primarily on his own advancing age. According to multiple officials, concerns began after Hegseth repeatedly claimed [the Army](https://www.duffelblog.com/tag/army/) lowered its standards “every four or five years, usually around my birthday.” “After about the fifth time he said the force was getting softer, I finally asked him which standards he meant,” said one official. “Holy shit. Within five seconds, I realized this man had apparently never read an age-based scoring chart.” The official said Hegseth’s approach to [physical fitness testing](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-army-fitness-test-measures-how-much-pain-you-can-endure-over-20-years/) throughout his military career was remarkably consistent. “He would show up, ask what he needed to do to score 70 points, then leave before anyone explained why the number had changed,” the official said. “He genuinely thought the [Army kept lowering the standard](https://www.duffelblog.com/female-rangers-would-be-a-disgrace/). Nobody had the heart to tell him he was just getting older.” [Army Fitness Test](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-russian-army-fitness-test-to/) standards divide soldiers into progressively older age groups, generally in five-year increments. “Every time he entered a new bracket, he interpreted it as another collapse in discipline,” the official said. “From his perspective, [military readiness](https://www.duffelblog.com/commander-relieved-for-filling-out-readiness-report-on-lethality-form/) has been steadily declining since his twenties.” Officials reviewing Hegseth’s records said the pattern was unmistakable. When his run time allowance increased in his early 30s, he blamed [President Barack Obama.](https://www.duffelblog.com/obama-afghanistan-withdrawal/) When it increased again in his late 30s, he blamed \[cliffhanger\] diversity initiatives. After entering his most recent bracket, he ordered a department-wide review of the [warrior ethos](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseths-top-tips-on-using-the-warrior/). Officials acknowledged that the military provides little formal instruction on reading fitness score tables but questioned whether any was necessary. “It's not the Rosetta Stone,” another official said. “The chart is about as complicated as breathing burn pit fumes.” According to the official, Hegseth initially mistook the age ranges for presidential approval ratings. “He pointed to ‘42-46’ and said, ‘See? [Biden](https://www.duffelblog.com/biden-wanders-into-war-room-after/) destroyed readiness,’” the official recalled. “We explained that was his age bracket. He accused us of making excuses.” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell declined to address whether Hegseth understood age-normed scoring. “I’m not going to get into hypothetical charts,” Parnell said. “The secretary remains focused on restoring the warrior ethos, increasing lethality, and ensuring America has the most physically capable fighting force on Earth.” Parnell abruptly ended the briefing when a reporter asked whether the most capable fighting force on Earth should also be capable of [reading a PDF.](https://www.duffelblog.com/cyber-commander-stands-up-task-force/) At press time, Hegseth had ordered the Army to restore the physical fitness standards in effect when he was 23, calling them “the last objectively rigorous standards before the military began changing them specifically to embarrass me.” 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** **served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at*[ **Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)**,*[ **Twitter*](https://x.com/SECDEF%5FNice?ref=duffelblog.com)**,*[ **Facebook*](https://www.facebook.com/people/SECDEFNice/61590591336243/)**, or*[ **Instagram*](https://www.instagram.com/secdef%5Fnice?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-top-13-ideas-for-solving-the-iran-war/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:38:22.000Z ****FREE EDITION** You're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. ****We are ad-free and reader-supported.** THE PENTAGON — [U.S. Central Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/centcom-commander-apologizes-for/) has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it. After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “[new creative and unconventional ways](https://www.cnn.com/2026/08/03/politics/us-military-iran-war-troops-punish?ref=duffelblog.com) to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table. This is reassuring because it confirms America’s [most important military campaign](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/) has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas. Fortunately, Duffel Blog does. ### **1\. Surrender** Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would [conserve critical munitions](https://www.duffelblog.com/indo-pacific-commander-hides-hellfire/) needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk [strip clubs](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-strip-clubs-and-bars-to-be-installed-aboard-aircraft-carriers/), [tattoo parlors](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-pawn-tattoo-aafes-px/), and divorce mediation offices. Just call it “charging to [lethal victory](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/) in the opposite direction." ### **2\. Move the goalposts** Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club? Change them. Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.” Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable. ### **3\. Redefine everything** Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient. A war is a [ceasefire](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-warns-us-unable-to-fight-two-ceasefires-simultaneously/). A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges. Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We [campaigned on no new wars.”](https://x.com/Acosta/status/2007458365492846664?lang=en&ref=duffelblog.com) Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You're overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?” ### **4\. Turn the war off and back on again** [Ask the S-6](https://www.duffelblog.com/s6-theres-the-problem-the-fuckin-doohicky-aint-in-the-thingamajig/) to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict. If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself. ### **5\. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums** [War Thunder players](https://80.lv/articles/war-thunder-players-once-again-leak-classified-documents-to-win-an-argument?ref=duffelblog.com) possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents. They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it. ### **6\. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran** Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them. While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs. This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop [before PowerPoint.](https://www.duffelblog.com/angry-staff-god-demands-powerpoint-sacrifice-at-1900/) ### **7\. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate** The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner. Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. [Continue reading →](https://www.duffelblog.com/membership/) Also included with membership: - Every Duffel Blog story - The complete archive - Exclusive newsletters and features - The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything ### Americans begin thanking troops for future service URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/future-service-iran/ Last updated: 2026-08-03T12:00:29.000Z WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting [they are not seeking a wider war](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-warns-us-unable-to-fight-two-ceasefires-simultaneously/), Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service. The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations. “Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, [Zyn](https://www.duffelblog.com/px-runs-out-of-zyn-monster-condom/), and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.” Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common. “We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.” [Military planners](https://www.duffelblog.com/afghan-war-planners-caught-plagiarizing/) denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing [every airborne brigade](https://www.duffelblog.com/airborne-urges-pentagon-to-defund-mp-corps/) to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.” “We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the [82nd Airborne Division](https://www.duffelblog.com/82nd-airborne-legs/). “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.” Not everyone appreciated the new expression. Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas [Army National Guard](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-soldier-keeps-saying-shes-in-the-army/) believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling. “I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-casualties-business-hours/ Last updated: 2026-07-31T14:03:29.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that [U.S. combat casualties](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-troops-casualties-politics/) will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets. The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a [separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”](https://www.cnbc.com/2026/07/24/pentagon-removed-four-official-iran-war-death-toll.html?ref=duffelblog.com) Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after [Operation Epic Fury](https://www.duffelblog.com/typo-leads-to-epic-furry-parties-all-over-tehran/) had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire. “Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.” Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding [federal holidays](https://www.duffelblog.com/holiday-half-day-schedule-canceled-due-to-low-morale/), will remain eligible for classification as killed in action. Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.” “These [brave Americans still died](https://www.duffelblog.com/casualty-team-stuck-notifying-family-about-marine-who-died-masturbating/) serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.” Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the [Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-a-russian-propagandist/) Additional categories include: - Operational Pause Mishap - Federal Holiday Kinetic Occurrence - Patriotism After Hours - Administrative KIA - Pending Timecard Approval The policy has reportedly left [casualty assistance officers](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-casualty-process-congress-frederica-wilson/) struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families. “My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.” “Am I still allowed to tell people he was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?” [One Gold Star father](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-khan-constitution/) said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death. “The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.” “I just need to know what to tell my grandson.” [At Arlington National Cemetery](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-criticized-for-sneaking-in/), workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.” Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.” The Army [Corps of Engineers](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-corps-of-engineers-ordered-to-cap-off-old-faithful-during-government-shutdown/) briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.” [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-strippers-pentagon/) insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves. [“No one is hiding casualties,”](https://thewarhorse.org/records-troops-wounded-iran-war/?ref=duffelblog.com) Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.” Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible. “It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.” At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether [troops wounded](https://www.duffelblog.com/wounded-warrior-assaults-five-in-bar-brawl-uses-wheelchair-as-weapon/) after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning. ### DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-reclassifies-sexual-assault-as-flirting-under-new-policy/ Last updated: 2026-07-29T12:00:19.000Z WASHINGTON — [The Department of Defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/tag/pentagon/) has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents. “We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the [harassment or assault](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-learns-innovative-harassment-techniques-during-sharp-training/),” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.” “By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce [sexual misconduct](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-in-order-to-really-understand-sexual-assault-youve-gotta-slap-a-woman-in-the-ass-at-least-on/) without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.” According to officials familiar with the policy, [senior Pentagon leaders](https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-creep-pentagon-hegseth/) developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.” Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.” “There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.” The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories: - Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments. - Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching. - Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below. The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, [temporary telework](https://www.duffelblog.com/teleworking-here-are-four-chinese-websites-sure-to-improve-your-connections/), and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.” To implement the policy, the department has introduced a [mandatory 223-slide training presentation](https://www.duffelblog.com/afghanistan-commission-identifies/) featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.” One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?” Reactions across the force have been mixed. “I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an [EO issue.](https://www.duffelblog.com/master-sgt-beats-discrimination-charge-by-proving-he-hates-everyone-equally/) Now I understand I’m just building trust.” Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic. “My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for [Sexual Assault Awareness Month](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-disappointed-sexual-assault-training-didnt-teach-anything-new/),” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.” Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.” Officials also confirmed that [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-disappointed-sexual-assault-training-only-covers-prevention/) had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.” Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged. “We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.” ### Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fat-leonard-pardon/ Last updated: 2026-07-27T12:00:22.000Z LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, [better known as “Fat Leonard,”](https://www.duffelblog.com/sailor-late-to-work-faces-harsher-punishment-than-officers-indicted-in-fat-leonard-scandal/) released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon. The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption. “Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.” Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly [seeking either a pardon or commutation](https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/2026/07/12/fat-leonard-reveals-how-he-escaped-house-arrest-fled-us/?ref=duffelblog.com), citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release. According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to [the White House](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-asks-marine-guarding-white-house-door-afghanistan/), several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled *Everybody Took the Bribes But Me*, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.” “The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.” Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into [Mexico](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-deploys-national-guard-us-mexico-border-masturbate-eat-mres/), chartered a flight to [Cuba](https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-cuba-invasion/), continued to [Venezuela](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/), and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to [Russia](https://www.duffelblog.com/ambassador-snowden/). “Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.” The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances. Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move. “This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and [Jan. 6 offenses](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-recalls-january-six-to-dc/) receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'” “He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-fat-generals/ Last updated: 2026-10-21T03:21:59.000Z THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-strippers-pentagon/) from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.” “It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a [recent address to senior leaders.](https://www.duffelblog.com/master-strategist-pete-hegseth-to-gather-all-u-s-military-leaders-in-same-place-at-same-time/) According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history. “The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.” The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses. Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify [general and flag officers](https://www.duffelblog.com/general-officer-summit-extended-for-k-pop-demon-hunter-singalong/) before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.” “The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/07/Screenshot-2026-07-14-at-3.38.55---PM.png) Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation. “The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust the measuring tape, the scale, the body-fat worksheet, and — when necessary — the laws of physics.” Army Master Sgt. Steve Gannon, who oversees [height-and-weight screenings](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-adds-basically-6-feet-height-option-to-apache-flight-physical/) at the Pentagon, said the technology merely automates a process that has existed for years. “I've been pencil-whipping field-grade officers' weigh-ins since I was a staff sergeant,” Gannon said. “This is great! Now nobody has to lie about what they saw ever again.” [Government watchdogs](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-defunds-anti-think-tank-missile/) criticized the program as a remarkable demonstration of the Pentagon's acquisition priorities. “We've now learned exactly how fast the procurement system can move when the operational problem affects generals,” said George Webb of Accountability and Standards in Action, a nonprofit made up largely of former enlisted personnel. “They fielded this faster than [MRAPs](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-asks-what-to-do-with-all-these-fing-mraps/).” Webb said the new technology was unlikely to improve military readiness. “But it should dramatically improve the secretary's mood.” At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed work had already begun on Petey Ears, an AI system that automatically replaces the phrase “that's a terrible idea, sir” with “outstanding initiative.” 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)**,* [**Twitter*](https://x.com/SECDEF%5FNice?ref=duffelblog.com)**,* [**Facebook*](https://www.facebook.com/people/SECDEFNice/61590591336243/)**, or* [**Instagram*](https://www.instagram.com/secdef%5Fnice?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-says-americans-have-no-reason-to-worry-about-its-new-mq-9-reapers/ Last updated: 2026-07-22T12:00:50.000Z MINNEAPOLIS — [Immigration and Customs Enforcement](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating [MQ-9 Reaper drones,](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-mq-9-reaper-diagnosed-with-ptsd-refuses-to-fly/) insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.” Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability. Officials said the program was necessary because of [recruiting shortages.](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-recruiters-complain-not-enough-candidates-fail-the-asvab/) “The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.” “Now we finally have someone to use them on.” ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model. “We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well." According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber [Hellfire missiles](https://www.duffelblog.com/hellfire-missile-for-sale-fort-drum/). Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core. “They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.” Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology. “'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said. The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week. Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted: > 01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000 Officials said the aircraft had also requested a [$50,000 reenlistment bonus](https://www.duffelblog.com/consider-reenlisting-oped/) and a [29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger.](https://www.duffelblog.com/democrats-pander-to-troops-with-dodge/) At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering. 🖊️ ***Phil Cable** **is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.* **Grumpy contributed to this story.* ### Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-bans-jesus-pentagon-christian-services/ Last updated: 2026-07-20T12:00:51.000Z WASHINGTON — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-separate-but-equal-military-branches/) has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.” “I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this [minor character named Jesus](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seals-find-jesus/) saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.” “So we're just going to skip those parts.” According to a memorandum distributed to [Pentagon chaplains](https://www.duffelblog.com/lethality-chaplain-corps-unveils-smite-ray/), sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture. Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting. Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review. “If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.” Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.” Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue [teaching the Ten Commandments](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-orders-posting-of-ten-commandments-exempts-killing-lying-and-stealing/) while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.” Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity. [“We all sin,”](https://www.duffelblog.com/im-not-a-perfect-person-says-hegseth/) he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.” Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading. According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables. At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a [strategic planning document.](https://www.duffelblog.com/armys-new-strategic-plan-for-2021/) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/influenza-outbreak-prompts-air-force-to-adopt-rfk-jr-s-natural-treatment-protocol/ Last updated: 2026-07-17T12:00:10.000Z SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected [nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland](https://www.airandspaceforces.com/flu-outbreak-air-force-basic-military-training/?ref=duffelblog.com), the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.” The outbreak occurred after [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-strippers-pentagon/) reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “[not rational](https://www.war.gov/News/News-Stories/Article/Article/4464967/hegseth-flu-vaccine-optional/?ref=duffelblog.com).” Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear. According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.” Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear. The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.” Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake. “I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.” Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear. “We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.” The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.” Despite the criticism, [Pentagon officials](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-warns-us-unable-to-fight-two-ceasefires-simultaneously/) defended the policy. “We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.” He paused. “I mean... that's not terrible, right?” Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy. “The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... [science.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/fauci-admits-military-decision-making-24-01-18/) White House officials also praised the initiative. “We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. [Very healthy bears.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/grizzly-bear-wanders-into-unlocked-recruiting-office-joins-navy/) 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**,* [**Twitter*](https://x.com/SECDEF%5FNice?ref=duffelblog.com)**,* [**Facebook*](https://www.facebook.com/people/SECDEFNice/61590591336243/)**, or* [**Instagram*](https://www.instagram.com/secdef%5Fnice?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### Marines discover fire URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-discover-fire/ Last updated: 2026-08-16T02:50:30.000Z NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the [U.S. Marine Corps](https://www.duffelblog.com/tag/marine-corps/) has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools. U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings "a reality-altering development" and urged world leaders to remain calm. "For decades we believed the technological ceiling for *Homo marinus erectus* was opening [Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks](https://www.duffelblog.com/mre-just-wants-foreplay-prior-getting-ratfucked/)," Guterres said. "We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion." Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of *Homo sapiens* roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity. [Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis](https://www.duffelblog.com/mattis-evening-walk/), who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as "the greatest leap forward in Marine history." "For generations we knew they were different," Mattis said. "Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning." The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. [Continue reading →](https://www.duffelblog.com/membership/) Also included with membership: - Every Duffel Blog story - The complete archive - Exclusive newsletters and features - The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything ### 'You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/donahue-fired-hegseth/ Last updated: 2026-07-13T12:00:28.000Z WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth [had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-come-on-you-know-why-i-was-fired/) from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along. “You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.” Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint. “I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a [standing meeting with freedom.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/retired-sergeant-major-discovers-freedom-is-free/) Known as the [last American service member to depart Afghanistan](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/army-general-last-soldier-leave-afghanistan/?ref=duffelblog.com) in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/va-found-dead-capitol-hill-suicide/ Last updated: 2026-07-10T12:00:13.000Z WASHINGTON — [The Department of Veterans Affairs](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-and-staples-team-up-to-produce-mega-shredder/) was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound. Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected. According to sources familiar with the note, the [VA blamed years of abuse](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-secretary-calls-departments-suicide-hotline-after-latest-scandal/) by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies. In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the [appointment of Doug Collins](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-secretary-promises-to-personally/), who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans. “This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘[Hey buddy, go fuck yourself.](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-launches-negative-disability-ratings/) Never mind your wife and kids.’” Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades. “First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the [people you laid off.”](https://www.cbpp.org/blog/veterans-have-borne-trump-administrations-deep-cuts-to-federal-personnel?ref=duffelblog.com) Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being [instructed not to function properly.](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-study-getting-shot-in-head-may-lead-to-brain-injury-in-some-troops/) The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation. Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access. “No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while [quietly making benefits](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-hospital-burned-to-ground-rated/) harder to receive.” Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years. “It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘[How do we spend less on these suckers?’”](https://www.dav.org/learn-more/news/2026/media-assaults-va-disability-system-insults-those-who-use-it/?ref=duffelblog.com) Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan. At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself. ### New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-every-marine-is-a-pilot/ Last updated: 2026-07-08T12:00:10.000Z Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-come-on-you-know-why-i-was-fired/ Last updated: 2026-07-06T12:00:48.000Z ***The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue.*** Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews. I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession. When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — [operations in Iraq](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraq-war-retroactively-justified-by-discovery-of-saddams-wmds/), operations in Syria, [planning for Benghazi](https://www.duffelblog.com/hillary-clinton-denies-knowledge-benghazi-trailer/), humanitarian missions stateside, or [trying to keep Kabul from becoming](https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/28/opinion/hegseth-donahue-military-purge.html?ref=duffelblog.com) even worse — they called me. So. Come on. You know why I was fired. Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe. Sure, I may have irritated some people by [saying “woke” was not actually](https://x.com/DefenseBaron/status/1631397999002767364?ref=duffelblog.com) a meaningful military problem. Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit. The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity. That one is on me. I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the [whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.”](https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/insight/hegseth-s-removal-of-gen-donahue-splits-gop-alarms-veterans/gm-GM5554AE72?gemSnapshotKey=GM5554AE72-snapshot-10&ocid=apus&ref=duffelblog.com) I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was [leaving public life](https://www.facebook.com/NBCNews/posts/sen-thom-tillis-of-north-carolina-dropped-his-re-election-bid-after-a-public-dis/1332713618720500/). Still, better late than never. People keep asking how we got here. I do not know. [I was in meetings.](https://www.duffelblog.com/operation-meeting-saved-round/) You people elected these assholes. For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure. Again, my mistake. Here is what I learned. Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why [solving them would be woke.](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/) Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history. Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes. Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.” The safest career path now is simple: [say “lethality”](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/) every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about. If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.” If asked for evidence, [say “DEI.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/citing-dei-military-no-longer-treats/) If asked for a plan, say “classified.” That is not bitterness. That is professional development. So, to review: Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people. And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé. Take care of yourselves. Watch your six. And if you are still wondering why I was fired? Come on. You know. 🖊️ ***Tony** *knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.* ### Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-announces-conditional-surrender-to-iran/ Last updated: 2026-07-03T12:00:51.000Z WASHINGTON — [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/) announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.” The agreement, which officials described as “[not a ceasefire](https://www.duffelblog.com/taliban-declare-ceasefire-until-ariana-grande-and-pete-davidson-get-back-together/), not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time. “We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.” Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it [destroyed nuclear material](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/) U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first. In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically. “You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. [We’re very smart people](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-security-council-reformed-to-defend-america-from-feminists-cucks/). We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.” Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit [Chinese-supplied air defenses](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-china-two-years-away-from-developing/) to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement. Iran has not yet accepted the proposal. “Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the [Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps](https://www.duffelblog.com/ex-false-flag-ii/) wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.” Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer. “Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?” 🖊️ ***Tony** *won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.* ### Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/bolton-mustache-sentenced-separately/ Last updated: 2026-07-01T12:00:30.000Z WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former [National Security Adviser John Bolton’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/john-bolton-wakes-terrifying-nightmare-world-peace/) mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information. Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to [retaining classified documents](https://www.duffelblog.com/fbi-raids-china-for-improperly-obtained/). Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.” “Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.” Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional [14 terabytes of classified information](https://www.duffelblog.com/turn-your-access-to-classified-information-into-a-side-hustle-with-these-five-steps/) concealed inside the mustache. “The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’” Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer. “It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would [project weakness to Iran.](https://www.duffelblog.com/john-boltons-book-revealed-to-be-just-400-pages-about-bombing-iran/)” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/06/447C600F-B6F7-4326-874B-0C32AC793E17.png) Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information. Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career. “You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.” Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple [contingency plans for Cuba](https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-cuba-invasion/), and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.” Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough. “For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?” The judge appeared unconvinced. After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions. Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual [advocacy of regime change](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraq-war-retroactively-justified-by-discovery-of-saddams-wmds/), and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions. At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity. ### Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-warns-us-unable-to-fight-two-ceasefires-simultaneously/ Last updated: 2026-06-29T12:00:17.000Z THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time. “There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries [launches a surprise](https://www.duffelblog.com/homecoming-soldier-afghanistan-abortion/) ceasefire somewhere else in the world.” Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s [long-standing defense strategy.](https://www.duffelblog.com/hearts-minds-actual-strategy-in-afghanistan-war-replaced-with-great-pr/) “We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a [classified briefing](https://www.duffelblog.com/classified-briefing-reveals-fbi-director-james-comey-enjoyed-star-wars-prequels/). “If a ceasefire were to break out around [Taiwan](https://www.duffelblog.com/china-builds-island-in-pearl-harbor/) tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.” For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously. Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic. “People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said [Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-defunds-anti-think-tank-missile/). “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.” “It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-strippers-pentagon/ Last updated: 2026-08-16T02:50:31.000Z THE PENTAGON — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-separate-but-equal-military-branches/) announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by [inviting 1,776 strippers](https://www.duffelblog.com/stripper-gives-up-officers-for-lent-23-04-03/) to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.” Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots. According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching [“UFC Freedom 250”](https://www.duffelblog.com/citing-opsec-fears-dod-bans-tapout-clothing-for-all-military-personnel/) at the White House. “The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.” To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place. “The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.” Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs. “Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said. He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more [classified information](https://www.duffelblog.com/heres-article-full-classified-info-even-gives-shit-anymore/) in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.” Following an internal request for recommendations, [Marines across the force](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-surprise-homecoming-strip-club/) reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions. “One lance corporal sent us preferred [stage names, schedules, playlists,](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-trek-to-north-pole-disappointed-to-not-find-strippers/) Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.” Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition. “They can honor their country in the way God and the [Warrior Ethos intended](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseths-top-tips-on-using-the-warrior/),” Hegseth said. Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive. “My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. [Continue reading →](https://www.duffelblog.com/membership/) Also included with membership: - Every Duffel Blog story - The complete archive - Exclusive newsletters and features - The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything ### Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dc-guard-cleaning-reflecting-pool/ Last updated: 2026-06-24T12:00:08.000Z ***The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard.*** All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting. And nobody is going home until it’s clean. Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service. It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it. Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it. Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way. Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out. Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete. Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over. For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work. Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better. Now fall in for formation. I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR. Wait. Where’s Wallace? He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/retiree-first-in-pharmacy-line/ Last updated: 2026-06-22T12:00:05.000Z JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice [deployment to the Middle East](https://www.duffelblog.com/150000-shooting-deaths-middle-east-direct-result-violent-video-games-study-finds/), Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, [three wars](https://www.duffelblog.com/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash/), and most known causes of death. The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.” “That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.” According [to pharmacy staff](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-implement-prescription-drug-grab-bag/), Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.” Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades. Although eligible for [Veterans Affairs healthcare](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-and-staples-team-up-to-produce-mega-shredder/), Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy. “I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.” For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses. Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit. “This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the [Korean War](https://www.duffelblog.com/north-korean-soldier-given-sharpie/) with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.” Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription. “If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987. At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers. ### Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-creep-pentagon-hegseth/ Last updated: 2026-06-19T12:00:51.000Z THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the [Department of Defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/tag/pentagon/), with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-new-harp-program/) wherever he goes. According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success. “We keep trying to [avoid mission creep](https://www.duffelblog.com/secdef-says-he-meant-to-text-dick/),” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.” Research suggests mission creep typically develops through [repetitive boundary violations](https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/pete-hegseths-secret-history?ref=duffelblog.com), unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations. “Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.” Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed. “The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.” According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time [Hegseth appears in public.](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-female-service-members-treat-all-orders-as-lawful/) “It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.” Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly. “One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. [Mission accomplished.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-accomplished-soldier-screws-up-power-point-slide-ends-war-afghanistan/) Others argued a more direct approach was necessary. “I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?" Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism. “Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. [Soon China](https://www.duffelblog.com/china-builds-island-in-pearl-harbor/) runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.” When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused. “I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive [communication increases lethality](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/). It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.” At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.” 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-separate-but-equal-military-branches/ Last updated: 2026-06-17T12:00:16.000Z WASHINGTON — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-female-service-members-treat-all-orders-as-lawful/) announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage. “We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I [put on promotion lists keep succeeding](https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5918902-hegseth-navy-air-force-blocked-promotions/?ref=duffelblog.com), while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.” According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly [benefited from diversity initiatives](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/), failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, [or were unable to swim.](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-says-he-supports-contributions-of-colored-troops-and-broads/) “This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.” Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category. “The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.” Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon [ran extensive war games.](https://www.duffelblog.com/trumps-syria-plan-stalled-because-risk-board-game-doesnt-have-enough-pieces/) “The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.” A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.' Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, [renovated barracks](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-evicted-from-barracks-to/), larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge. At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were [relocated to older facilities](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-to-stop-using-mold-to-construct/) pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.” Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other. “The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.” At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the [lower-performing branch would be deployed first](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1-w154yHis&ref=duffelblog.com) in order to gain valuable leadership experience. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/graham-platner-nazi-tattoo-misunderstood/ Last updated: 2026-08-16T02:50:32.000Z ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a [tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler](https://nypost.com/2026/06/11/us-news/graham-platner-cheated-on-fiancee-bragged-about-nazi-tattoo-ex-girlfriend/?ref=duffelblog.com) choking a naked woman across most of his back. In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation. “I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.” Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork. “I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.” Another former girlfriend, [who he dated while filming](https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/04/us/politics/platner-maine-senate-girlfriends-relationships.html?eafs%5Fenabled=false&ref=duffelblog.com) the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous. “He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.” The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the [nickname for his penis.](https://www.duffelblog.com/jerks-bigger-penises-darpa-study-confirms/) Campaign officials dismissed the allegation. “[Most Marines](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-who-jerked-off-in-porta-potty/) struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said. That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a [Green Beans Coffee](https://www.duffelblog.com/trauma-of-war-brought-back-by-opening-of-local-green-beans/) in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo. Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "*Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden.*" The inscription translates to:... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. [Continue reading →](https://www.duffelblog.com/membership/) Also included with membership: - Every Duffel Blog story - The complete archive - Exclusive newsletters and features - The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything ### Opinion: Should I water my veteran? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/veteran-hydration-categories/ Last updated: 2026-06-12T14:09:35.000Z ***The following is an opinion piece by former Army Sgt. 1st Class and current HR specialist Bradley Mercer.*** As a former service member who now works [in human resources](https://www.duffelblog.com/meet-the-armys-elite-top-secret-admin-unit/) for a large technology company, I have recently been confronted with an unexpected workplace management question. Managers keep asking me the same thing: “Should I water my veteran?” The short answer is: it depends. Like most things in the military, the answer is METT-TC dependent. The veteran, the environment, the mission, and the general vibe of the office must all be considered before making any hydration decisions. Not all veterans require the same level of watering. The first category is the **Normal Human Veteran**. This veteran has fully transitioned to civilian life and will take immediate offense if you attempt to water them. They mention military service only when writing in their journal, obtaining a discount at Lowe’s, or [discussing VA disability claims](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-disability-rating/) with a level of precision normally reserved for danger-close mortar missions. They never [wear the hats.](https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-convention-draws-5-000-hats-only-three-warrants/) They never [tell stories.](https://www.duffelblog.com/polk-soldier-no-shit-there-i-wasnt/) If you bring up the military, they will sigh and immediately redirect the conversation toward mortgage rates, Excel formulas, or mulch pricing. Do not water this veteran. They will interpret it as an attempt to establish dominance and spend the next five years quietly planning their departure from your organization. The second category is the **Oxygen Thief Veteran**. This individual spent most of their military career being reminded to perform basic biological functions. Drink water. [Change socks.](https://www.duffelblog.com/corpsman-recommends-masturbating/) Stand up straight. Stop doing that. Because of this conditioning, they expect management to tell them when to hydrate. If no guidance is provided, they will sit quietly at their desk dehydrating while waiting for instructions. This is the only veteran category where proactive watering is recommended. The third category is the **Smelly Veteran**. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-daily-pt-solved-military-problems/ Last updated: 2026-06-10T12:00:32.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-renames-usns-harvey-milk/) told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, [including procurement failures](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-spends-100m-on-piece-of-equipment-that-doesnt-do-anything/), maintenance backlogs, [sexual assault](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-disappointed-sexual-assault-training-only-covers-prevention/), and cost overruns. “We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and [contractors charging billions of dollars for products](https://www.duffelblog.com/nations-defense-contractors-promise-no-attack-against-us-will-go-unprofitable/) that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.” Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story. “The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.” At [Naval Base San Diego](https://www.duffelblog.com/san-diego-rain-us-navy/), sailors demonstrated the new routine. [The workout](https://www.duffelblog.com/gnc-release-pre-workout-dip/) began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period. “It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones. Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do. [No chief petty officers](https://www.duffelblog.com/6-surefire-ways-to-determine-whether/) or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session. Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm. “Total bullshit,” one sailor said. “Retarded,” said another. “I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third. Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative. “I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward [we captured Maduro](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-offers-maduro-pardon-for-three-kilos-of-cocaine/),” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?” At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging [the Joint Chiefs](https://www.duffelblog.com/jcs-dont-care-youre-resigning/) to develop a comprehensive fitness plan [for Greenland.](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster/) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/missile-strike-accountability-formation/ Last updated: 2026-06-08T12:00:46.000Z AL-TANF GARRISON, Syria — An entire [Army platoon](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-2ndlt-leads-platoon-five-kilometers-without-getting-lost-awarded-medal/) was reportedly killed after assembling for an accountability formation immediately following an incoming missile attack, according to leaked details from the opening days of hostilities with Iran. Sources familiar with the incident said company leadership ordered platoons to “ensure no casualties were taken” following the initial barrage. “The CO just wanted a situation report,” said one soldier from another platoon. “The lieutenant suggested [checking bunkers](https://www.duffelblog.com/spencer-stone-air-force/) by radio or sending runners, but platoon daddy apparently wasn’t having any of that.” According to multiple soldiers, the decision to hold a formation followed a brief leadership discussion regarding the difference between the words “ensure” and “assure.” Despite the [lieutenant’s objections, the platoon sergeant](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-platoon-sergeants-guide-to-dealing-with-lieutenants/) reportedly insisted there was only “one Army way” to conduct accountability. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/admiral-change-of-command-ruins-sailors-plans/ Last updated: 2026-06-05T12:00:07.000Z NORFOLK, Va. — Retiring Rear Adm. Glenn Marlowe is reportedly concerned that his mandatory [all-hands change of command ceremony](https://www.duffelblog.com/change-of-command-ceremony-dissolves-into-giant-orgy/) may not ruin enough sailors’ lives, sources confirmed this week. “We have a lot to consider,” Marlowe said. “We have eval season, COOP plans, shipyard availabilities, [and maintenance periods](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-maintenance/) that could affect national security for the next two years. But how do I schedule my [change of command ceremony](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-if-you-call-your-spouse-household-6-i-get-to-call-your-divorce-a-change-of-command/) for Maximum Bummer Effect so I can interrupt all of them at once?” Marlowe said his first instinct was to pick a date “right in the middle of everything,” but recent developments have complicated the planning process. “I just found out a boat is returning from a [nine-month deployment,](https://www.duffelblog.com/captain-navy-cross-for-finishing-deployment/)” he said. “So now the question is whether I can drag those amine-soaked bastards into it too.” Maximum Bummer Effect, or MBE, is a [Navy planning concept](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-planning-replace-bad-uniforms-even-worse-ones/) used to determine how much inconvenience senior leaders can impose on personnel while still describing the event as “mandatory fun.” “It’s an inverse square of sorts,” said retired Capt. Harold Kinsey, [a former surface warfare officer](https://www.duffelblog.com/report-one-ships-bridge-clue-whats-going/) and longtime advocate of uncomfortable folding chairs. “There are three major variables in a sailor’s life: work, leave, and sleep. We can’t always control sleep [without legal review](https://www.duffelblog.com/legal-update-the-top-16-crimes-you-wont-get-pardoned-for/), but work and leave are absolutely fair game.” Kinsey said leaders can achieve MBE by disrupting maintenance that has been planned with a shipyard for five months, [denying leave](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-christmas-leave/) that has been on the calendar since the previous fiscal year, or forcing newly returned sailors to stand in formation while their families wait nearby “with increasingly visible hatred.” “With advancements in [AI and machine learning](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-developed-artificial-intelligence/), we can now model bummer conditions with far greater precision,” Kinsey said. “The latest prototype, BYG-D1K, allows commanders to identify the exact moment when a ceremony will cause the greatest operational and emotional damage.” Marlowe said the prototype has already produced results. “It’s going great,” he said. “Thanks to BYG-D1K, I only had to shift the ceremony two days to the right. Now it lines up perfectly with the boat coming back from deployment, and I think their duty sections may have to go port and starboard for a week to compensate.” Navy officials said the model is still in testing but has shown promise across several commands, especially when paired with late-stage [uniform inspections](https://www.duffelblog.com/sergeant-major-cant-decide-whether-to-solve-covid-19-crisis-with-uniform-inspections-or-haircuts/), parking restrictions, and unexplained requirements to arrive three hours early. At press time, Marlowe said he was considering moving the ceremony indoors after learning the weather would otherwise be “pleasant and tolerable.” 🖊️ ***Phil Cable** *is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.* ### Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/seven-marines-nicotine-crayons/ Last updated: 2026-06-03T12:00:25.000Z JACKSONVILLE, N.C. — [The Marine Corps Exchange](https://www.duffelblog.com/public-affairs-suicide-note-praises-new-base-exchange-barracks/) has pulled its exclusive line of nicotine-infused “Crayola Xtreme!” crayons following a wave of injuries and deaths at Camp Lejeune, officials confirmed this week. “One of the lieutenants thought it’d be funny to start a rumor about a surprise inspection for stolen art supplies,” said Col. Jack Korzen, while standing in the burned-out remains of a [junior enlisted barracks](https://www.duffelblog.com/barracks-lawyer-passes-barracks-bar/) holding what appeared to be part of a melted crayon box. “One of the boots panicked, ate his entire supply, then sprinted from barracks to barracks like a nicotine-fueled Paul Revere.” What followed, officials said, was “roughly six uninterrupted hours of catastrophic decision-making” that left seven Marines dead and more than 130 hospitalized. “That’s [too much energy](https://www.duffelblog.com/monster-drug-test/) for any one Marine,” Korzen said. “How do you tell a mother her son died violating a TCCC mannequin? The kid literally humped himself to death.” Korzen paused briefly. “There was moulage everywhere.” After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly dismissed calls for a ban as “gay,” Marine leadership instead launched a safety initiative titled “Eating Is for Food.” The campaign appears to have had limited success. Near a dining facility where two dozen Marines were injured attempting to parkour across a static-display [MV-22 Osprey](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-to-begin-crashing-ospreys-on-okinawa/), Lance Cpl. Sam Arp held up a half-chewed green crayon and defended the product line. “The grape tastes like purple,” Arp said before unsuccessfully attempting to use the crayon as a straw for applesauce. Consumer advocates questioned whether manufacturer safety standards were adequate. “Look at this packaging,” said Diana Fritz of Consumer Reports while displaying a box of “Chunky Xtreme!” oversized crayons featuring a cartoon honey badger named Jitters. “It says, ‘Help Jitters find his [lost M4](https://www.duffelblog.com/i-dont-know-how-to-tell-you-this-but-i-sort-of-um-lost-my-rifle/) before formation.’ Jesus Christ.” Crayola denied allegations the products were marketed toward junior enlisted personnel. “The Chunky line simply tested extremely well with our E-3 focus groups,” the company said in a statement, adding it remained compliant with “all Humane Society protocols regarding experimentation on junior Marines.” The product line was developed through a partnership between Crayola and the Marines Human Performance Branch, whose Program Manager for Ingestible Inorganics, Maj. Geoffrey Puntel, defended the initiative. “They’re [going to eat crayons](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-crayon-eating-competition-goes-horribly-wrong/) anyway,” Puntel said. “The goal is to ensure as much of the Marine’s ecosystem as possible contains essential nutrients and stimulants.” Puntel added that similar logic inspired the recent addition of aloe vera and doxycycline to [CLP weapons lubricant.](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-lubricant-masturbating-clp/) Officials acknowledged the project has faced setbacks before. A previous product, Elmer’s Go-Glue, was discontinued after overdoses among Marines during testing phases. Still, Puntel said the Corps plans to relaunch Crayola Xtreme! with additional safety features. “Marines tend to avoid the black crayon because they think it’s licorice,” he said. “So now the black one is made entirely of activated charcoal.” “It’s basically Narcan," he added. At press time, taps played at another funeral at [Camp Lejeune](https://www.duffelblog.com/camp-lejeune-prounciation/) as investigators worked to determine how a Marine had managed to fit an entire 64-count box into a CamelBak. 🖊️ ***Bernard Buttersquash** *will play the Kennedy Center, if invited.* ### GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/republicans-navy-seal-requirement-congress/ Last updated: 2026-06-01T12:00:49.000Z CAPITOL HILL — [Republican officials](https://www.duffelblog.com/miltiary-must-condemn-radicalized-veterans/) announced a new initiative this week requiring all future GOP congressional candidates to [be Navy SEALs](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-writes-tell-all-book-abu-sayyaf/), arguing voters have become increasingly unwilling to elect anyone who has not personally participated in at least one nighttime raid. The initiative, dubbed “Every Legislator a Frogman, Every Frogman a Legislator,” follows what party leaders describe as a growing [body of evidence that Navy SEALs](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-navy-seal-training-writing-course/) are among the few Americans still trusted by voters more than podcast hosts. “With a party leader fondly reminiscing about [Arnold Palmer’s anatomy](https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-arnold-palmer-latrobe-pennsylvania-rally/?ref=duffelblog.com), we're focused on finding real men to run for Congress,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Joe Gruters. “We've discovered that ‘real man’ basically means ‘Navy SEAL’ to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts. Those people vote, so from now on all Republican legislators must be Navy SEALs.” Party officials pointed to a growing roster of former SEALs who have successfully entered politics as evidence the model works. Former [SEAL Bob Kerrey](https://www.ketv.com/article/nebraska-bob-kerrey-resigns-board-epstein-files/70484606?ref=duffelblog.com) received the [Medal of Honor](https://www.cmohs.org/recipients/joseph-r-kerrey?ref=duffelblog.com) before serving in the Senate and seeking the presidency. Eric Greitens, a Democrat until he stopped hating America, went on to become Missouri’s Republican governor before becoming involved in what party officials described as [“a distinctly non-SEAL scandal.”](https://www.brennancenter.org/our-work/analysis-opinion/dark-money-and-downfall-eric-greitens?ref=duffelblog.com) Former SEAL [Scott Taylor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott%5FTaylor%5F%28politician%29?ref=duffelblog.com) served in Congress before losing reelection to what one Republican strategist dismissed as “some [surface warfare](https://www.duffelblog.com/report-one-ships-bridge-clue-whats-going/) dork.” With five former SEALs currently serving as Republican members of Congress and another [seeking a Senate seat in Kentucky](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwy2vw8j0ddo?ref=duffelblog.com), GOP leaders believe they have identified a repeatable formula for electoral success. Not everyone agrees. [Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw](https://www.duffelblog.com/dan-crenshaw-pete-davidson/), a former SEAL, cautioned against limiting the party exclusively to commandos. “The left and right approach governance differently,” Crenshaw said. “But many of the goals are ultimately the same: economic prosperity, better health care, better education—” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-defense-secretary-record/ Last updated: 2026-05-29T12:00:36.000Z ***The following is an opinion piece by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.*** Everywhere I go, people keep calling me the worst Secretary of Defense in American history. The worst. Really? Do you think [Donald Rumsfeld](https://www.duffelblog.com/donald-rumsfeld-refuses-to-live-in/) could deadlift 300 pounds? Could Robert McNamara do PT with [Tier 1 operators](https://www.duffelblog.com/high-value-target-disappointed-raided-rangers-instead-navy-seals/)? I don’t think so. Rumsfeld gave us “unknown unknowns.” I prefer a simpler doctrine: FAFO backed by overwhelming known violence. McNamara might have been CEO of Ford but I'm the one who was built Ford tough. Just look at his record in Vietnam: [beaten by the Vietcong](https://www.duffelblog.com/vietnam-war-winning/), which were nothing but weak communist farmers. McNamara spent seven years trying to win in [Vietnam](https://www.duffelblog.com/vietnam-veterans-outraged-over-navy-christening-of-uss-jane-fonda/) and still lost. In the past couple months I’ve already overseen two regime changes and I’m currently workshopping a third. I didn’t even need congressional authorization. I just did it. That’s sigma male leadership. Watch out, Cuba. Booyah! ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/05/data-src-image-f4daef8e-facb-464d-b8d8-a6d0fa9a2a32.png) Can you imagine Don Rumsfeld lifting weights like Hegseth? I don't think so. All I ever wanted was to transform this weak, [DEI-obsessed department](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/) into the elite killing machine I know it was meant to be. You see, the military wants — no — it needs to kill. But the liberal left bleeding hearts of Democrat politicians keep tying our hands with so-called [rules of engagement](https://www.duffelblog.com/police-military/) and "international law," whatever that means. I'm letting the troops do their job. That means no quarter and no mercy on all military-aged males from 11 to 65 years old. Military-aged male driving a truck within 400 feet of U.S. forces? Green lit. Gone. Seventeen-year-old making a peanut butter sandwich while looking at a patrol the wrong way? Green lit. Gone. Host-nation police officer forgets the greeting of the day? Green lit. Gone. My troops know an insider threat when they see one. And do we even need to talk about [Lloyd Austin](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-bankrupt-after-austin-blows-300/)? First of all, how do you trust a Secretary of Defense with two first names? If he weren’t black, I’d assume he was from Alabama and married to his sister. Lloyd Austin’s greatest military achievement was apparently hosting [pride parades on aircraft carriers.](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-celebrates-pride-month/) _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-recruiting-deals-memorial-day/ Last updated: 2026-05-27T20:42:23.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — [Army recruiting officials](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-revamped-80-s-recruiting-slogan-to-be-all-we-tell-you-to-be/) are facing criticism after launching a series of Memorial Day enlistment promotions, including cash bonuses, upgraded funeral packages, and limited-time incentives for recruits willing to sign contracts before the holiday weekend ended. Under the promotion, new recruits who signed a six-year contract before [Memorial Day](https://www.duffelblog.com/memorial-day-sale/) received a $2,500 bonus. Soldiers willing to extend to eight years will also qualify for what the Army describes as a “premium bereavement experience package,” including a sandalwood coffin with velvet interior. “We know Memorial Day is traditionally about reflection, sacrifice, and remembering the fallen,” said Lt. Gen. Johnny Davis of Army Recruiting Command. “But it’s also [one of the biggest sales weekends](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-12-best-memorial-day-weekend-deals/) of the year, and we’d be foolish not to compete." Army officials said the promotion is part of a broader effort to address recruiting shortfalls while modernizing outreach efforts to younger Americans. “We’re trying to meet Gen Z where they are,” one recruiting official said. “They grew up with promo codes, influencer sponsorships, and limited-time offers. Frankly, patriotism alone just isn’t converting anymore.” The Army missed its recruiting goal by roughly 15,000 soldiers in 2022 and has continued struggling to reverse the trend despite expanded bonuses and relaxed enlistment standards. Nick Baker, a recruit who seized the opportunity to claim the $2,500 bonus, shared his thoughts mere hours after finalizing a contract that will dispatch him to [Fort Huachuca](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-renames-fort-huachuca-to/) for [military intelligence training](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-intelligence-excuses/). "I'm not a bookworm, and honestly I can't read, so I don't know the details, but I am happy to support our local animal shelter," Baker said. Critics said the [Memorial Day](https://www.duffelblog.com/this-memorial-day-eddie-gallagher/) campaign demonstrates a growing disconnect between military leadership and the public. “The Department of Defense thinks every problem can be solved with incentives,” said one Pentagon official speaking anonymously. “We used to have vision. McNamara had [Project 100,000](https://taskandpurpose.com/history/project-100000-vietnam/?ref=duffelblog.com). Today everyone suddenly cares about ‘ethics’ and ‘human dignity.’” Army leaders rejected accusations the campaign undermined the significance of Memorial Day. “Absolutely not,” Vereen said. “Anyone who signed this weekend will also receive a commemorative camouflage tote bag and a voucher for [ten free boneless wings](https://www.duffelblog.com/dfac-enters-chicken-sandwich-war/) at participating Applebee’s locations.” At press time, recruiters confirmed they were considering a new Fourth of July promotion offering free AirPods to anyone willing to waive “minor” traumatic brain injuries during [MEPS screening.](https://www.duffelblog.com/median-age-of-meps-doctors-falls-to-97/) 🖊️ ***The Ghost of Jimmy Carter** *was born in the light of a dying star, disappointment emerged.* ### Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-catholic-loyalty-oath/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:51:54.000Z THE PENTAGON — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/) announced a new loyalty oath for Catholic service members this week, citing what he described as a growing threat to military cohesion posed by “America’s first pope.” The policy announcement came at the end of a [Pentagon press conference](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-spokesmen/) during which Hegseth reportedly lost “another prolonged eye-contact battle” with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine. “As Vice President and Doctor of the [Church JD Vance recently noted](https://www.ncronline.org/vance-questions-pope-just-war-theory-hours-after-leo-honored-its-founder?ref=duffelblog.com), Pope Leo XIV has [undermined the lethality](https://ca.news.yahoo.com/pope-amplifies-criticism-iran-war-180954553.html?ref=duffelblog.com) of our warriors by questioning the righteousness of our campaign to liberate Iranian schoolgirls from the [tyranny of breathing](https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/11/us/politics/iran-school-missile-strike.html?ref=duffelblog.com),” Hegseth said. “One of my favorite philosophers once said, ‘Rome shall not rule,’” he continued. “And that’s especially true when our forces are in harm’s way. I just want Catholic troops to fully understand the chain of command between God and the federal government.” Hegseth said the additional oath should not concern troops already accustomed to military bureaucracy. “Look, you’re already taking oaths all the time,” he said. “Oath of enlistment, oath of office, security clearance paperwork. Even I had to swear [I’d mostly stop drinking](https://www.duffelblog.com/shop/alcoholic-secdef-glass) so Congress would confirm me.” The oath reads: > “I swear by God this holy oath, that I will [render to Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/), leader of the American Realm and People, Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, unconditional obedience, and that I am ready, as a brave soldier, sailor, Marine, airman, or guardian, to risk my life at any time for this oath.” “See? Short, simple, and to the point,” Hegseth said. “Now we can get back to [blockading the blockade to reopen the place](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/) that was already open before we blockaded it.” The policy marks the latest escalation in deteriorating relations between the Vatican and the Trump administration. Analysts remain divided on the cause of the dispute. Some believe tensions began after the late Pope Francis allegedly decided eternal judgment was preferable to [attending meetings with J.D. Vance,](https://www.duffelblog.com/pope-dies-rather-than-spend-15-more/) while others point to White House attempts to [influence the papal election](https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/1918502592335724809?s=20&ref=duffelblog.com). ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/05/data-src-image-06f0d84d-9d63-45b4-9a68-2cbc7ad4c146.png) **White House pontifical candidate Adipatus Peniculus the First* One Pentagon source said matters worsened following a private meeting between the Vatican ambassador and Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Elbridge Colby. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/homeless-veteran-prostitution-wmd-addiction/ Last updated: 2026-05-22T12:00:30.000Z PHILADELPHIA — Homeless veteran John Webster has reportedly turned to prostitution to support what experts describe as a severe dependency on illicit [weapons of mass destruction.](https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/12/designating-fentanyl-as-a-weapon-of-mass-destruction/?ref=duffelblog.com) Webster, whose VA-prescribed WMD regimen was discontinued earlier this year, said he now exchanges sexual favors for fentanyl, sarin gas, anthrax, and occasionally [small quantities of weapons-grade plutonium.](https://www.duffelblog.com/michelle-obama-challenges-asma-al-assad-wmd-cage-match/) “I get most of it from my guy Krugg,” Webster said while standing near a busy intersection. “But by the time it gets to him, it’s all stepped on. His sarin’s cut with air, and the plutonium barely glows anymore. I should have enough WMDs in my system to level a major metropolitan area, but honestly I barely feel capable of destroying a strip mall.” Federal officials warned the illegal WMD trade is becoming increasingly sophisticated. “These weapons are no joke,” said one senior administration official speaking on condition of anonymity. “[The CIA](https://www.duffelblog.com/coast-guard-cocaine-seizure/) says Krugg gave Myanmar a free vial of VX just to get them hooked. In a way, we’re funding this ourselves.” The official added that the administration is now considering expanding domestic counterproliferation operations. “Look at the [narco-terrorists](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-strikes-narco-terrorist-sleigh-reindeer-off-venezuela-coast/) flooding rural America with methamphetamine,” he said. “These WMDs have devastated communities across the country. That’s why we authorized missile strikes on suspected mobile weapons laboratories in West Virginia.” The Pentagon later clarified those facilities had exploded on their own. Officials also announced Amsterdam, Ibiza, and [Tijuana](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-deploys-national-guard-us-mexico-border-masturbate-eat-mres/) had been added to an updated “Axis of Evil” watchlist, citing concerns over dangerous extremist activity including prolonged hand-staring, spontaneous dancing, and “uncontrolled techno environments.” At press time, operators at a [nuclear missile silo](https://www.duffelblog.com/minot-air-force-base-launches-search-for-missing-minuteman-nuclear-missile/) confirmed they were installing targeting coordinates provided by “a shirtless guy yelling at squirrels outside a Wawa.” 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/vfw-younger-veterans/ Last updated: 2026-05-20T12:00:25.000Z KANSAS CITY, Mo. — T[he Veterans of Foreign Wars](https://www.duffelblog.com/vfw-delaying-event-until-fat-guy/) is facing a recruiting shortfall as younger veterans continue declining to join the organization, citing what officials describe as “a persistent misunderstanding of our culture.” Post 690 has struggled to maintain membership this year, prompting leadership to increase outreach efforts during its annual Recruitment Week. “First, we make it pretty clear that we are a veterans organization,” said Post 690 Commander Gerald “Gerry” Watkins. “Every man that walks through here can tell that by the dusty bar, the blaring television bingo, and the scratcher stations in the corner. Then we razz them every time they come in about how stupid GWOT is, because [only Vietnam](https://www.duffelblog.com/vietnam-veterans-outraged-over-navy-christening-of-uss-jane-fonda/) really counts. I mean, are you really going to count a war that lets girls join? You might as well be a communist.” Officials said the strategy is designed to “build resilience” among prospective members. But according to Watkins, the approach had yet to produce results. “It’s horse shit,” Watkins said. “These [GWOT veterans](https://www.duffelblog.com/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash/) keep coming in, complaining we don’t treat them like human beings, and then have the audacity not to join. I hate these younger veterans. Why won’t they join my post?” Watkins added that recent attempts to modernize the post have also fallen short. “We even tried [letting the girls join](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-authorizes-women-to-grow-beards/),” he said. “Apparently they don’t like being called spouses, and they get offended if I ask to see their [DD-214](https://www.duffelblog.com/homeless-veteran-sleeps-under-dd-214-blanket/) when they come in. Sorry for being old fashioned.” Historians note [the VFW](https://www.duffelblog.com/vfw-military-fakers/) has faced similar recruiting challenges before. Membership declined in the 1970s as some [World War II](https://www.duffelblog.com/man-unsure-grandfathers-wwii-japanese-skull-collection/) and [Korean War](https://www.duffelblog.com/north-korea-orders-nonessential-military-personnel-to-starve-from-home/) veterans resisted admitting Vietnam veterans, arguing the conflict “wasn’t legitimate.” “The [Global War on Terrorism](https://www.duffelblog.com/gwot-reenactors-gather-for-disconnected/) wasn’t even a legitimate conflict. I don’t even know why they’re here,” said VFW spokesman Robert Kincaid. Kincaid said the organization remains confident in its long-term recruiting strategy. “We know our numbers are down, but that’s by design,” he said. “By essentially pushing away the new generation of veterans, we know that when they are in their 50s, alcoholic, and [divorced](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-divorce-oceanside/), they will find exactly what nostalgia they need in our bars— I mean posts. Wait, are you recording?” Officials confirmed the organization plans to continue its current approach, which prioritizes “maintaining standards” by criticizing veterans who did not directly [fight communism](https://www.duffelblog.com/communist-west-pointer-receives-lateral-commission-into-russian-ground-forces/) or who still “appear to have something going for them.” 🖊️ ***Phil Cable** *is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.* **G-Had and Robin Berger contributed reporting.* ### Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-tarantino-army-chaplain/ Last updated: 2026-05-18T12:00:01.000Z HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Pentagon officials announced today that filmmaker Quentin Tarantino will become the next [chief of chaplains](https://www.duffelblog.com/lethality-chaplain-corps-unveils-smite-ray/) for the [U.S. Army ](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-gets-approval-change-names-bases-honor-confederates-fort-trump/)despite having no formal religious training, ministry experience, or apparent understanding of what chaplains do. The 63-year-old director is expected to receive the rank of major general during a ceremony at the Vista Theater in Los Feliz. Sources familiar with the planning said Tarantino originally pushed to hold the event at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, but Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected the venue as [“too Chinese.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/china-announces-us-intelligence-officer-job-openings/) Tarantino, best known for films including *Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction,* and *The Hateful Eight*, will replace Maj. Gen. William Green, Jr., who was [fired by U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth earlier this year](https://www.aol.com/news/army-chief-chaplains-grew-hilton-150149854.html?ref=duffelblog.com) as part of an broader shakeup of senior military leadership. Hegseth hinted at the appointment during a recent Pentagon prayer service, where he delivered what attendees described as “an aggressively rewritten” version of Ezekiel 25:17, the fictionalized Bible passage recited in *Pulp Fiction* by Samuel L. Jackson’s character [Jules Winnfield.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2WK%5FeWihdU&ref=duffelblog.com) “The fake news Pharisees slithered in,” said Hegseth. “Pens dripping with venom, tongues forked with spin. Soulless scribes in designer suits, twisting truth into a clickbait noose. Not a slip. Not a glitch. [Just lethality](https://www.duffelblog.com/commander-relieved-for-filling-out-readiness-report-on-lethality-form/) and truth throwing woke in the ditch.” Officials said Tarantino’s lack of chaplaincy credentials was ultimately viewed as a strength. “His films embrace violence, revenge, profanity, and extended monologues,” said one Pentagon official. “That really resonates with today’s Army.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-hotness-score/ Last updated: 2026-05-15T14:34:09.000Z THE PENTAGON — The [Department of Defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-military-dependents-jody/) has introduced a new evaluation metric for female service members, adding a 1-to-10 “hotness” score to [performance reports](https://www.duffelblog.com/corpsman-with-stellar-performance-record-great-tits-named-sailor-of-the-year/) in an effort officials say will bring transparency to existing promotion practices. The change was announced following the formation of a task force directed by [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-renames-usns-harvey-milk/), which reviewed how appearance has historically influenced advancement decisions. “When I was on active duty—actually, I’m being told it was active duty orders, but the distinction isn’t important,” said task force head, [Army National Guard](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard/) Col. Oliver Kloepfer, who has been divorced three times. “It was difficult to quantify how women were being evaluated. This gives commanders a clear, objective standard.” According to guidance from the task force, the “hotness” score will account for 80% of a female service member’s evaluation, with [physical fitness](https://www.duffelblog.com/secnav-announces-actual-physical-fitness-program/), academics, job performance, and “family planning outcomes” making up the remaining portion. Officials said the system will also include a standardized override mechanism. “If a service member is rated between one and five, a commander may annotate ‘Pass’ on the report,” a defense official said. “Ratings of six through ten may be marked ‘Smash,’ which will supersede the immediate supervisor’s assessment.” The task force, composed entirely of male senior leaders, said the framework ensures consistency across the force. “This is about removing ambiguity,” Kloepfer said. “Commanders have always considered these factors. Now we’re just aligning the paperwork with reality.” Some service members said they are already adapting to the changes. “I figured this was coming,” said Maj. Sylvia Sullivan, an Air Force [logistics officer](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-logistics-amazon/). “Deployments will include a four-point adjustment. I’m a CONUS four, but a [deployment eight](https://www.duffelblog.com/speed-dating-clears-air-speeds-rejection/), so I’ll be volunteering as much as possible ahead of my next promotion board.” Sullivan added that the new system introduces opportunities for higher ratings. “If you’re already a CONUS seven to ten, you can exceed a ten on deployment,” she said. “That’s significant for your record.” The policy applies immediately to all female service members from E-1 through O-9. Asked how he would rate his current spouse under the new system, Kloepfer declined to comment. However, officials later confirmed that a napkin left at the podium included an unofficial assessment reading, “a solid 7, but definitely a drunk 10.” ### Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pope-vatican-trump-custody/ Last updated: 2026-05-13T12:00:02.000Z VATICAN CITY — The Vatican confirmed today that [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/) is in custody following an overnight operation conducted by the Vatican Special Operations Command, or VATSOC. In a brief address from St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo said the action followed “a period of escalating spiritual and temporal disagreements” culminating in what Vatican officials described as “[a meme event of unacceptable magnitude](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c17v8y0z9z2o?ref=duffelblog.com).” Church officials said the authority for such an operation dates back to Pope Gregory VII in the 11th century, when the papacy asserted supremacy over Christian rulers. Vatican representatives acknowledged the Holy See has never exercised authority over [the United States](https://www.duffelblog.com/reflective-belt/), though officials argued recent political developments had “complicated the distinction.” “John Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli in 1797 affirming the United States was not [founded as a Christian nation](https://www.historynewsnetwork.org/article/the-us-a-christian-nation-not-according-to-the-fou?ref=duffelblog.com),” said Vatican public affairs cleric Giovanni Bardelli. “However, with President Trump increasingly governing as a monarch and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth walking around with a ‘Deus Vult’ tattoo, we have reevaluated America’s status accordingly.” “With this new political relationship, we have been patient,” Pope Leo said before pausing to cough dramatically. “But at a certain point, one cannot simply scroll past blasphemy.” According to Vatican sources, the operation began shortly after midnight when black-clad priests fast-roped from an unmarked cross-shaped helicopter onto White House grounds while [reciting Latin prayers](https://www.duffelblog.com/drill-sergeant-follows-through-on-threat-to-rip-out-heart-and-snuff-soul-to-recruit/) “for divine protection and dramatic effect.” Witnesses described the unit as moving with “disturbing efficiency,” reportedly subduing Secret Service personnel using what one official called “nonlethal sacramentals.” “They hit the ground, crossed themselves, and immediately went to work,” said one [White House](https://www.duffelblog.com/bus-defense-secretary/) aide. “It was like watching *Van Helsing*, except everybody just ended up zip-tied.” The raid followed weeks of public friction between Trump and Vatican leadership after the president shared AI-generated images depicting himself as a divine figure. “People are saying it,” Trump reportedly told aides before his capture. “Maybe I’m not God, but something very close. Possibly a high-level angel like Raphael or Megatron — Megalodon — Metatron. One of the important ones.” “Once a head of state starts improvising divine status, we have procedures,” said one senior cleric familiar with the operation. “We cannot let a monarch compare himself to Megatron — I mean Metatron — and simply move on.” Trump is expected to face a traditional ecclesiastical proceeding, though officials declined to clarify whether that would include a formal trial or “something more medieval, depending on scheduling and the availability of pay-per-view funding.” In a prerecorded message released after the raid, Trump appeared calm. “They came in very fast, very quiet, very respectful,” he said. “Strong people. Very strong. Like *Equilibrium*. Nobody’s ever seen anything like it.” At press time, Vatican officials confirmed Trump was being held at an undisclosed location while church authorities determined whether proceedings would follow [Old Testament or New Testament](https://www.duffelblog.com/first-khlysty-chaplain-extremely-popular-in-infantry/) guidelines. 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-agents-veteran/ Last updated: 2026-05-11T12:00:08.000Z MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with [U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-recruiters-complain-not-enough-candidates-fail-the-asvab/) spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.” “I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.” “I was in the Navy,” [another agent said](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/). “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.” One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening. “I almost joined, but I got [disqualified at MEPS](https://www.duffelblog.com/median-age-of-meps-doctors-falls-to-97/),” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve [punched the drill instructor](https://www.duffelblog.com/fraternity-hazing-director-totally-24-01-18/) the second they got in my face.” After taking a few minutes to [arrest the people serving them food](https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/ice-arrest-minnesota-mexican-restaurant-b2902000.html?ref=duffelblog.com), the agents continued on with their stories. “I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said. “That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement. “[Meth](https://www.duffelblog.com/specialist-admits-secret-to-fitness/),” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?” Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.” At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-war-lizard-people/ Last updated: 2026-05-08T14:25:01.000Z ***The following is an opinion piece by former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs.*** As a former military [intelligence](https://www.duffelblog.com/nailed-it-says-intel-officer-who-assessed-middle-east-violence-as-possible/) officer, I can tell you with confidence that we are focusing on the wrong war. Sure, [Iran is important](https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-president-witnesses-firepower/). Everyone in the military knows that Iran was responsible for many American casualties in Iraq and Syria. But while everyone is glued to maps of the [Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/strait-of-hormuz-open/), they are missing the larger truth. The truth is that we need to prepare for the coming global conflict with the [lizard people](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reptilian%5Fconspiracy%5Ftheory?ref=duffelblog.com). And before anyone jumps in with, “Actually, they’re not ‘lizards’ or ‘people,’” let me stop you there. I am fully tracking that. I know the “lizard people" claim to be a fungus-derived parasitic intelligence that previously hijacked reptilian hosts on another planet. I am still calling them lizard people. Because frankly, I don't see any difference between the old reptile bodies and the new ones they're currently piloting inside the [Bush family](https://www.duffelblog.com/isis-terrorist-named-george-bush-sick-teased-name/), [the Trump family](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-like-guys-not-killed-combat/), the Rothschilds, and possibly [Taylor Swift](https://share.google/f4V95mO3GgJF0JoFI?ref=duffelblog.com). They need to be sent back home to the Draco or Orion constellations or at a minimum, [New Jersey](https://preservationnj.org/10-most/futuro-houses/?ref=duffelblog.com). ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/05/BCFDD098-D6F5-4D88-A1EA-F1A6C9047148.png) Former Army Capt. Jenson Briggs reviews intelligence materials related to what he describes as the coming “global conflict with the lizard people” from an undisclosed location. (Author photo) Now, I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly. I spent more than a decade in the military. I’ve sat through enough [staff meetings, briefings](https://www.duffelblog.com/staff-meeting/), and command updates to tell you with absolute certainty that roughly 45% of all [lieutenant colonels](https://www.duffelblog.com/lieutenant-colonel-actually-major-asshole/) are lizard people. At least another 30 percent are almost indistinguishable from simple cold-blooded reptilians. It's extremely difficult to make it to O-5 without developing some form of [fungal](https://youtu.be/uLtkt8BonwM?si=DzX9estH9ZOV0ydy&ref=duffelblog.com) brain infection. I don’t know when it happens — probably somewhere between Intermediate Level Education and their [second divorce](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-divorce-oceanside/) — but it happens. [Most](https://www.duffelblog.com/no-proof-of-aliens-says-space-force/) generals, however, appear to remain human. You do not reach flag rank without at least the ability to simulate empathy and basic social interaction. You can see it in the eyes. The slow nodding. The detached way they talk about “strategic shaping operations,” like they are seconds away from falling asleep during a family readiness briefing. And we’re supposed to believe these [individuals](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-deport-all-illegal-aliens-from-area-51/) — many of whom openly describe humanity as a critical “resource” — are acting in our best interests? That’s the same logic we’ve heard for decades: trickle-down economics, deregulation, loosening worker protections, and tax incentives for companies manufacturing what they insist are “heat lamps.” “We’re helping you,” they say, while quietly optimizing the planet for whatever fungus-lizard hybrids consider a favorable quarterly return. Wake up! While Americans argue over whether a war with Iran will last two weeks or should just be declared won, the Reptilian Overmind Collective — or whatever branding they are using this quarter — continues consolidating power over governments, economies, HOA boards, and base mayor cells. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/bachelor-veteran-contestant/ Last updated: 2026-05-06T12:00:55.000Z HOLLYWOOD — ABC has announced its next star of *The Bachelor* will be a medically retired Army veteran with a 100% disability rating, a move producers described as both “a step toward representation” and “a situation we are not fully equipped to manage.” Retired Staff Sgt. Wyatt “Wheels” Carson, 32, was introduced during a live press event held in the parking lot of a [Chili’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/af-academy-cadet-free-veterans-day-meal-chilis/), where he exited a mobility van and fist-bumped show host Jesse Palmer. “Look, I might be missing a few vertebrae, [some hearing](https://www.duffelblog.com/talk-louder-guide-group-work/), and most of my trust in the federal government,” Carson said, “but I’m still here to find love, collect per diem, and [occasionally disassociate](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-study-shows-ptsd-alcohol-lead-to-increased-sexual-performance/) on national television.” Carson served three combat deployments before medically retiring after injuring his back while “carrying an entire logistics section’s emotional baggage” through Kandahar. He also suffers from chronic PTSD, [tinnitus](https://www.duffelblog.com/experts-agree-the-sound-of-freedom/), and what producers described as “a brand partnership-level dependence on [Monster Energy](https://www.duffelblog.com/monster-drug-test/).” Each episode will include traditional elements such as group dates, one-on-ones, and elimination ceremonies, though producers acknowledged several adjustments. “We’ve replaced the rose ceremony with a [VA claim denial](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-rejects-disability-claims-if-servicemember-was-not-wearing-pt-belt-when-injured/) letter ritual,” said executive producer Jessica Kaplan. “Every time he hands one out, the contestant has to process it emotionally and still act like she’s grateful.” The cast of 30 women reportedly includes twelve influencers, six nurses, three yoga instructors, and nine women who said they had always wanted to date someone who’s been to war because “it feels like what I go through with my mom.” In an early clip, Carson attempts to connect with a contestant by explaining his [disability rating.](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-5-disability-ratings-ranked-drunk-guy-vfw/) _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth buys second suit URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-buys-second-suit/ Last updated: 2026-05-04T12:00:44.000Z WASHINGTON — On the heels of a glorious victory after 40 days of [devastatingly one-sided comba](https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/2026/04/07/hegseth-iran-rhetoric/?ref=duffelblog.com)t guided personally by the hand of God, the historic Easter Sunday [rescue of a downed F-15 pilot](https://apnews.com/article/iran-us-pilot-military-rescue-fde473d07fb59e871a71cdhttps://apnews.com/article/iran-us-pilot-military-rescue-fde473d07fb59e871a71cd2ad2ffe4fe2ad2ffe4fe?ref=duffelblog.com), and the [unrestricted opening of the Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/strait-of-hormuz-open/) following a two-week ceasefire, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly marked the occasion by purchasing a second suit. The 45-year-old former [Army National Guard officer and television host](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/), known for his cultivated aesthetic of coiffed, highly-gelled hair and wartime slam poetry, is typically seen wearing a [cobalt blue suit](https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/pete-hegseth-s-fitness-crackdown-backfires-after-viral-suit-photos-resurface/ar-AA1W4SmH?gemSnapshotKey=458BDF0902-snapshot-0&ocid=ems.display.welcomeexperience&cvid=69d87db7e60d418fac2009ce6f1c8361&ei=18&ref=duffelblog.com) with an American flag pocket square, a combination some officials say had effectively become "his uniform." “We couldn’t be more excited.” said a Pentagon source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, the secretary looks sharp, no doubt, but it's time to mix it up." The purchase comes after a period of sustained military activity that officials described as “high tempo,” including recent operations in the Middle East that have kept the secretary in near-constant public view. Speculation has long surrounded [Hegseth’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-shocked-to-learn-he-also-has-to-find-out-after-fucking-around/) clothing rotation. Some Washington insiders have maintained he owns only a single suit, while others believe he has multiple identical versions of the same outfit. “It makes sense," said Jimmy McGarvey, a patron at [Freddie’s Beach Bar](https://www.freddiesbeachbar.com/?ref=duffelblog.com), a popular bar near the [Pentagon](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-field-testing-toby-keith-song-about-iran/). “He’s an Army man, right? He’s in charge of the Pentagon, right? So, it’s like he’s wearing a uniform without wearing a uniform.” Sources said the demands of recent operations have [taken a toll on the secretary](https://www.duffelblog.com/shop/alcoholic-secdef-rocks-glass)’s wardrobe, with some noting that extended workdays have led to “noticeable wear” mitigated primarily by liberal application of cologne. “I get that the boss is focused on Iran, but would a change of clothes kill you?” said one staffer. Due to the recent [implementation of polygraphs and non-disclosure agreements](https://www.reuters.com/world/pentagon-plans-widespread-random-polygraph-testing-nondisclosure-agreements-2025-10-01/?ref=duffelblog.com) aimed at limiting leaks, few officials were willing to provide additional details about the new suit. However, sources familiar with the matter said the purchase had been delayed after a tailor originally hired for the job became unavailable due to [immigration enforcement actions.](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) 🖊️ ***P.J. O’Leary** *is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at* [**@pjolearycomedy*](https://secure.instagram.com/pjolearycomedy?ref=duffelblog.com) *and on Tik Tok at* [**@pj.oleary.comedy*](https://www.tiktok.com/@pj.oleary.comedy?ref=duffelblog.com) ### Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-troops-casualties-politics/ Last updated: 2026-05-01T12:00:58.000Z WASHINGTON — As tensions with [Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/) continue, U.S. service members have urged the White House and lawmakers that casualties during the Iran War be “effectively leveraged into a clear domestic messaging opportunity.” “Look, when my defensive position gets turned into a crater outside some oil refinery, I just want it to matter,” said Spc. Daniel Ruiz of the [10th Mountain Division](https://www.duffelblog.com/10th-mountain-division/), while studying a map he admitted he “doesn’t fully understand.” “Ideally, the president climbs on top of what’s left of me and delivers a two- or three-minute speech. Something about strength. Maybe jobs. Definitely how the landscape looks better now, and how it’ll look even better with a [Trump-branded resort.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/fbi-raids-china-for-improperly-obtained/) Ruiz said he hopes the aftermath is arranged in a way that “really frames the shot,” describing a “cinematic field of sacrifice” that could serve as the backdrop for a nationally televised address about the Dow Jones Industrial Average. “It’s not about me,” Ruiz said. “It’s about that moment before he goes back to [playing golf.](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-criticized-for-sneaking-in/) You want a clean visual. No clutter. Just bodies, smoke, and the president explaining how this was always the plan.” Other troops echoed the sentiment, noting that while operational guidance remains unclear, the strategic communications outcome feels “pretty much locked in.” Pfc. Tyler Jennings, who described himself as a “strong supporter,” said he hopes he survives long enough to hear the speech, which he has already begun rehearsing in the president's voice. “These incredible heroes — maybe the best heroes we’ve ever had — they gave their lives, and because of that, [the markets are doing unbelievably](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-dives-on-grenade-to-save-dow-from-falling-below-50-000/) well,” said Jennings, a soldier in the 101st Airborne Division, gesturing broadly. “People are saying we’ve never seen anything like it.” Jennings paused before reflecting on the broader meaning of sacrifice. “You don’t die for nothing,” he said. “You die for the idea that your family might eventually benefit from a system where the people at the top risk nothing and owe you nothing.” He added: "Maybe someday I can compete at the same level as Trump's kids, who just made [perfectly-timed transactions in the military drone](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/company-backed-by-trump-sons-looks-to-sell-drone-interceptors-to-gulf-states-being-attacked-by-iran?ref=duffelblog.com) industry worth billions.” At press time, Defense Department officials confirmed service members will now have the option to direct their [life insurance payouts](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-leaves-sgli-poncho-liner/) to political action committees. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said that troops will need to opt out if they prefer the money go to their families. 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/sipr-podcast-celebrates-its-tenth-24-01-16/ Last updated: 2026-04-29T12:00:47.000Z UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The world’s most secure podcast, “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke,” celebrated a colossal milestone this week after recording its tenth total download. The classified celebration, attended by the podcast’s entire listener base — both of them — featured a cake of unknown origin and streamers of undisclosed colors. The podcast, hosted on the [Secure Internet Protocol Router Network (SIPRNet)](https://www.duffelblog.com/pornhub-opens-first-sipr-website/), is so secure that even the hosts don’t know each other’s true identities. Rumor has it that they communicate through a series of nods and winks in a windowless room deep within the Pentagon, though Duffel Blog correspondents confirmed that rumor to be both dumb and untrue. “We’re thrilled to hit double digits,” said the host known only as “Smoke,” speaking through a voice modulator on a [Signal voice call](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/). “When we started this podcast, we knew what we had to say was super relevant and timely. And after three years of continuous content production, it’s gratifying to finally see the audience grow.” “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke” covers topics ranging from “The Best Kept Secrets of [the Mess Hall](https://www.duffelblog.com/vietnam-veteran-eats-dfac-complains-acronym/)” to “Conspiracy Theories That Are Actually Just Standard Operating Procedures.” The podcast’s signature segment, “Guess That Redacted Word,” has become a cult favorite among the extremely limited number of listeners with the clearance, patience, and [functional CAC reader](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-spouse-genitals-now-cac/) required to access the show. The tenth download was marked by the ceremonial [cutting of a cake](https://www.duffelblog.com/promotion-ceremony-has-better-cake-than-officers/) that was, quite literally, classified. [![CTA Image](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/A1DD1CD9-2CDA-4206-B7F0-687338F8F365.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/tricare-to-extend-benefits-to-that-girl-you-hooked-up-with-two-years-ago/) Finally, healthcare that understands your mission: waiting. [Learn more ](https://www.duffelblog.com/tricare-to-extend-benefits-to-that-girl-you-hooked-up-with-two-years-ago/) “We had to imprison the baker for even setting eyes on it,” Smoke said. Attendees, all wearing blackout goggles for operational security, were guided to the cake by a series of secure, encrypted smells emitted by a classified scent dispenser. Security was tight at the celebration, with guests required to pass through three biometric scans and a pop quiz on the Joint Ethics Regulation. Party favors included redacted party hats and invisible ink pens. Despite the [high-level security,](https://www.duffelblog.com/defense-security-cooperation-agency-replaced-by-office-of-cool-knives-from-the-px/) morale among attendees remained high. “I’ve never been to a party where I knew less about what was going on,” said one guest, a shadowy figure known only as *Deep Cover*. “The mystery just adds to the excitement!” Looking ahead, the hosts remain cautiously optimistic. “We’re hoping to hit 20 downloads by 2030,” Smoke said, adjusting their voice scrambler for no apparent reason. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. [Operational security](https://www.duffelblog.com/citing-opsec-fears-dod-bans-tapout-clothing-for-all-military-personnel/) is our number one priority. That, and figuring out where that echo in our recording studio is coming from.” The podcast is available for download every second Tuesday of the month, assuming the stars align, the secure server is up, and nobody accidentally locks themselves out of [SIPR](https://www.duffelblog.com/breastfeeding-infant-court-martialed-for-putting-his-sipr-on-the-nipr/) again. As for the cake, it was reportedly delicious, though details of its flavor remain classified pending further review. 🖊️ ***As For Class** *is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.* ### Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/retirees-alarmed-as-troops-stop-pretending-war-makes-sense/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T00:37:55.000Z FORT BRAGG — Soldiers at [Fort Bragg](https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-bragg-opens-armys-first-on-post-strip-club/) are reporting an increase in hostile encounters with retirees at the commissary, pharmacy, and post exchange, in what younger troops say is the result of a dangerous shortage of useful idiots. Retired Master Sgt. Frank Burger said he confronted one junior soldier after hearing him greet another with a sarcastic salute and the words, “[For Epstein!](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/)” “I had to correct him,” Burger said. “When we were your age, [we just accepted we might die for oil.](https://www.duffelblog.com/5-reasons-this-war-for-oil-will-be-better-than-the-last-war-for-oil-and-the-one-before-that/) The country runs on the stuff, you know.” Retirees across post said they are becoming increasingly frustrated with what they describe as a generational collapse in [performative patriotism.](https://www.duffelblog.com/true-patriot-local-veteran-supports-whatever-random-thing-trump-is-doing-in-middle-east-right-now/) In recent weeks, soldiers reportedly training for a possible invasion of Iran have stopped using the greeting of the day and instead begun saluting each other while shouting, “For Epstein!” “For [defense contractor](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-far-behind-in-capabilities-says/) quarterly earnings!” or “For previously undisclosed presidential equities!” “Where are they getting these ideas?” Burger asked. “In my day, you were fighting for oil or freedom. Either way, it at least sounded like it was for the country. Now it’s like they’re workshopping it.” Senior leaders are also said to be alarmed by troops’ growing refusal to accept internal propaganda, still referred to in official channels as “[command information.](https://www.duffelblog.com/public-affairs-baffled-after-anti-drug-advertisement-actually-works/)” “These soldiers need to get on board with the command’s accepted narrative,” said Admiral Brad Cooper, commander of [U.S. Central Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/centcom-cant-believe-not-problem/). “Lives are at risk. Who is going to storm the beaches of Hormuz for a defense contractor earnings call or someone’s personal legal exposure?” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-defunds-anti-think-tank-missile/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:50:55.000Z ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system. The decision appears to contradict [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-punishes-himself-with-extra/) recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members [from participating in think tank panels](https://www.nytimes.com/2025/07/24/us/politics/pentagon-ban-think-tank-events.html?ref=duffelblog.com), conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting [complex national security questions](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-security-council-reformed-to-defend-america-from-feminists-cucks/).” “Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer [good old-fashioned self-censorship](https://www.thefire.org/news/can-pentagon-strip-mark-kellys-rank-over-speech?ref=duffelblog.com) over a new program that might actually end these tanks.” News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the [think tank and intellectual community,](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-security-think-tanks-launch/) many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them. [Heritage Foundation](https://www.duffelblog.com/project-2025-to-cut-veterans/) President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement. “Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — [unless the Jews are involved.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/127th-chemtrail-squadron-annoyed/) Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances. “It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of [missile defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-missile-test-disrupts-navy-sapr/), and this time will be no different.” At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters. Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine. “We’ve already [purged defense correspondents](https://www.npr.org/2025/12/03/nx-s1-5630076/the-press-corps-at-the-defense-department-has-been-replaced-by-far-right-outlets?ref=duffelblog.com) as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?” 🖊️ ***Tony** *wants you to know he thinks only happy thoughts to stay gainfully employed and promised Kevin Roberts the Jews were in fact not involved.* **Dark Laughter contributed to this report.* ### Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reserve-iran-war/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:39:10.000Z WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a [potential ground war in Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-mines-own-business/) will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month. “We looked at the numbers,” said [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-shocked-to-learn-he-also-has-to-find-out-after-fucking-around/), a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.” Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.” “If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “[D-Day was won](https://www.duffelblog.com/americans-commemorate-d-day-by-calling-people-they-disagree-with-nazis/) in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.” “It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of [Army Reserve Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/meet-porn-star-whos-lieutenant-army-reserves/). “You stack MUTAs \[multiple unit training assemblies\], roll it into AT \[annual training\], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.” Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight. “Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026\. We’re performing budget lethality.” To maintain compliance with [funding requirements](https://www.duffelblog.com/nations-field-grades-begin-annual-68a76f5bbfc0eb37fe80300c/), troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations. “If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:46:55.000Z WASHINGTON — [Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-mines-own-business/) has announced that until a peace deal is signed with the United States, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps will mount a third blockade of the Strait of Hormuz to [block any American blockade](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-war-would-be-only-one-letter-different-from-iraq-war/) of Iran's initial blockade, thus preventing the U.S. Navy from having any ships to blockade at all. “Let’s see how the U.S. Navy likes steaming around in circles in the heat of the Arabian Sea summer," Iran's Foreign Ministry wrote in a post on X. "Hydrate often, Great Satan’s swabbies!” At a press conference, [President Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/) angrily dismissed the announcement. “Any Iranian blockading of our blockade on their illegal strait blockage is terrorism against the entire world and the Moon," Trump said. "Which is ours now because we flew around it better than any country thanks to me. We won’t stand for it.” He added: “We’ve [completely defeated Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-missile-test-disrupts-navy-sapr/). Now we may have to completely defeat them more with what I call it the ‘Big Beautiful Blockade,’ to stop the Iranians from stopping us from stopping them from stopping trade.” Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said he had a message for Tehran. "Say 'what' again," Hegseth said, [quoting the book of Tarantino](https://www.thedailybeast.com/obsessed/colbert-brutally-mocks-hegseths-pulp-fiction-prayer/?ref=duffelblog.com). "We are prepared to wake up the gimp and get medieval on your ass." Asked how the U.S. plans to address Iran’s double secret blockade, Hegseth noted that many countries were helping the Big Beautiful Blockade, including Luxembourg, Austria, Hungary, Mongolia and Nepal. “Our skilled negotiators got all those countries to commit their navies to America First goals,” said Hegseth. At the Pentagon, a senior maritime strategist explained that the threatened Iranian counter-counter-counter blockade, or "C-Cubed," is a time-honored naval move also known as a "triple dog dare." He said Iran's plan did not surprise the Trump administration at all, because they expected Iran to do something unexpected. However, the strategist acknowledged that an Iranian C-Cubed blockade could wreak global havoc in trade, oil, and in the U.S. Navy itself. "The surface warfare community wants a successful blockade so they finally get some respect, and a [lot of SEALs](https://www.duffelblog.com/seal-book-generator/) are planning tell-all books about blockade adventures," the strategist said. "Cutting off those opportunities will shatter both communities." According to the strategist, the war with Iran has had "more twists than the secretary's [pre-press briefing martinis,](https://www.duffelblog.com/shop/alcoholic-secdef-rocks-glass)" but the administration is keeping its options open. "President Trump knows triple dog dare negotiating tactics from way back, like growing up in the rough and tumble hallways of private school,” he said. Regardless of how the Iranian threat develops, the situation raises a question about the strategic nature of the conflict. According to senior defense officials, until now it has been the U.S. that has confused the world with shifting objectives, [murky strategy](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-moves-from-dime-strategy-to-nickel/), erratic actions, and unsustainable military operations. “If Iran starts operating the same way,” one official wondered, “what does American leadership even mean anymore?” 🖊️ ****Bull Winkle** is a writer and certified phrenologist, available to make your next wedding, birthday or blockade super fun. ### Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-orders-posting-of-ten-commandments-exempts-killing-lying-and-stealing/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T21:53:55.000Z WASHINGTON — As part of a major [overhaul to the Chaplain Corps](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2025/12/17/hegseth-orders-overhaul-of-chaplain-corps/?ref=duffelblog.com), Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the posting of the [Ten Commandments](https://www.reuters.com/sustainability/sustainable-finance-reporting/venezuela-capture-follows-trumps-ten-commandments-by-book-ross-kerber-2026-01-07/?ref=duffelblog.com) in all common areas, workplaces, dining facilities, and command offices across the Department of Defense. “The idea is to provide an ongoing spiritual reminder to service members of where we derive our moral framework,” said [Maj. Gen. Randall Flagg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randall%5FFlagg?ref=duffelblog.com), the Army Chief of Chaplains. He noted, however, that several commandments will be omitted to better align with mission requirements and avoid unnecessary friction regarding separation of [church and state.](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-approves-first-chaplain-from-westboro-baptist-church/) “We determined that certain commandments were… operationally incompatible,” Flagg explained. “Commandment Five, for example — ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill.’ We are, fundamentally, a lethal force. Posting that would create mixed messaging.” The commandments prohibiting bearing false witness and coveting were also removed after internal review. “This is the Department of War!” [Hegseth said during a press briefing.](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-recalls-hegseth-to-active-duty-for-violating-most-of-the-ucmj/) “Am I supposed to tell warriors they can’t use strategic messaging? That they can’t aspire to better equipment, nicer trucks, or someone else’s wife? That’s not readiness. That’s weakness.” Hegseth emphasized that the department had preserved what he called “the core warfighting commandments.” “We kept the important ones — honoring your father and mother, no graven images unless morale-related, not taking the Lord’s name in vain unless operationally necessary,” he said. “But am I going to tell some 19-year-old private he can’t be jealous of his battle buddy’s Dodge Durango [or stripper girlfriend](https://www.duffelblog.com/caravan-of-strippers-stopped-at-mexican-border-by-soldiers-with-engagement-rings/)? Absolutely not. We’re building fighters, not monks.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### 'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/persian-wife-finder-sees-spike-in-white-males-aged-18-25/ Last updated: 2026-04-15T12:00:24.000Z KHARG ISLAND, IRAN — As the conflict between the United States and Iran continues to escalate, there has been a sharp rise in internet searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” among white males aged 18–25, sources confirmed today. “If I’m gonna be over here, might as well start looking,” said Lance Cpl. Dawson, a member of the 11th MEU deployed to an undisclosed location in the U.S. Central Command region. “These women are waiting for a 22-year-old guy with a $66,000 [Dodge Charger loan](https://www.duffelblog.com/democrats-pander-to-troops-with-dodge/) to free them from this oppressive regime. If we have to put boots on the ground for me to get a first date, so be it. It’s not my choice, just my time.” Dawson later discovered that Persian Wife Finder is not an actual website and that international marriage cannot be arranged through [Google search](https://www.duffelblog.com/google-veterans-jobs/) results. He has since begun messaging an Instagram model in California who claims to be “one-eighth Iranian on her stepmother’s side.” Pentagon officials confirmed searches for “Persian-Wife-Finder.com” have increased by 800 percent, while searches for “Iranian woman no hijab” are up 400 percent over the past week. ![CTA Image](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/04/AMU-1.png) Military sociologists say the trend is consistent with historical patterns of deployed personnel developing “extremely optimistic expectations” about relationships overseas. “There’s always a phase where troops believe they are about to personally liberate and marry someone,” said one analyst. “It typically lasts until about the second or third rejected DM.” When asked about the surge in search activity, CENTCOM Commander Adm. Charles “Brad” Cooper II appeared briefly confused. “There’s been an uptick of what?” Cooper said. “No, finding Persian women is not an operational objective. Do you have names? And are their [location services turned on?”](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cd9vdel17wqo?ref=duffelblog.com) Although the Pentagon has not identified romantic prospects as a formal objective of the campaign, officials acknowledged the trend may have a positive effect on [troop morale.](https://www.duffelblog.com/morale-skyrockets-after-mandatory-fun-event-canceled/) “If this is what it takes to get buy-in, we’re not going to overthink it,” one defense official said. “Historically, young troops have always found creative ways to justify deployments.” At press time, Dawson confirmed his messages to the model had been left unread for the third consecutive day but remained “cautiously optimistic” about the situation. ### Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-field-testing-toby-keith-song-about-iran/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:37:04.000Z THE PENTAGON — The Joint Chiefs are reportedly field testing a newly-generated [Toby Keith](https://www.duffelblog.com/veteran-with-be-courteous-with-fireworks/) song about Iran created using artificial intelligence trained on decades of country music and early-2000s war propaganda, sources confirmed today. “We’ve been trying to get the chorus right,” said a senior defense official. “You need something that hits emotionally but also threatens overwhelming violence in a way that tests well in focus groups.” According to officials, the Pentagon initially struggled to replicate the late singer’s signature style before turning to a defense contractor specializing in “heritage-based [synthetic patriotism](https://www.duffelblog.com/true-patriot-local-veteran-supports-whatever-random-thing-trump-is-doing-in-middle-east-right-now/).” “We trained our AI on every [Toby Keith song](https://www.duffelblog.com/toby-keith-reunites-with-american-soldier/) ever recorded,” said a company spokesman. “So now it understands trucks, America, beer, revenge, and vague Middle Eastern geography at a doctoral level.” [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-shocked-to-learn-he-also-has-to-find-out-after-fucking-around/) reportedly took a personal interest in the project, insisting the song maintain what aides described as “maximum early-2000s energy.” “He kept saying it needed to feel like something you’d hear right before a war nobody can clearly define,” one staffer said. “Something that makes you want to invade a country you only learned existed two days ago.” The current version of the song reportedly includes references to freedom, retaliation, [pickup trucks,](https://www.duffelblog.com/mp-truck-nutz/) and a chorus that simply repeats the word “justice” over increasingly loud guitar riffs, including the line, "We’ll put boots on your sand and freedom in your ground / Turn your skyline into nothin’ but a cratered little town." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Rescue mission succeeds despite CIA involvement URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/rescue-mission-succeeds-despite-cia-involvement/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:57:42.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — American defense officials expressed surprise this week after a mission to rescue a downed [Air Force](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-base-renamed-after-ashli-babbitt/) weapons systems officer in Iran succeeded despite the involvement of the CIA, sources confirmed today. “We were absolutely thrilled to find the colonel and bring him home safely,” Brig. Gen. Jarven Walker said in a press briefing. "Especially considering the complexity of the operation and the [CIA doing everything](https://www.duffelblog.com/coast-guard-cocaine-seizure/) it could to fuck it up.” According to defense officials, [CIA personnel](https://www.duffelblog.com/911-inside-job/) inserted themselves into planning meetings shortly after learning a U.S. aircraft had been shot down. “We’d been working the problem for hours,” one official said. “Then CIA showed up and announced they had breaking intelligence that a jet had been shot down. Which, to be fair, was new information to them.” After presenting what sources described as “extremely confident summaries of things already on Twitter,” CIA officials reportedly urged the Pentagon to pause rescue efforts in favor of “developing additional options," such as [capturing an Iranian soldier](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-denies-allegations-of-prisoner-torture-forced-listening-to-justin-bieber-rebecca-black/) and inserting a feeding tube into his rectum. “They kept asking if we could destabilize something while we were out there anyway,” the source said. “Then they suggested we might be dealing with moderate rebels. So naturally they recommended arming everyone in the area just to be safe.” [The CIA’s assessment](https://www.duffelblog.com/jack-ryan-accidentally-shoots-marko/) concluded that local forces were “potentially hostile, potentially friendly, or possibly neutral,” a finding officials described as “comprehensive.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### US turns corner in Iran, finds itself in Iraq URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-turns-corner-in-iran-finds-itself-in-iraq/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:18:25.000Z WASHINGTON — With public concern mounting over economic disruption and an unclear path to success, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced yesterday that the US had “[turned a corner](https://www.duffelblog.com/were-making-real-progress-say-last-17-commanders-in-afghanistan/)” in its campaign against the Iranian regime. “We’re confident our recent initiatives will stabilize oil prices, ignite a pro-American popular uprising and — aw fuck, [is that Baghdad](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraqi-freedom-reunion/)?” said Hegseth, as aides frantically shuffled and rotated maps behind the briefing podium. Pentagon officials later clarified that while the operation had indeed “turned a corner,” it remained [unclear how many corners](https://www.duffelblog.com/nicholson-turned-corner-afghanistan/) had been turned or in which direction, though all were confirmed to be “generally forward.” At a White House [pardon auction](https://docs.house.gov/meetings/JU/JU08/20260121/118871/HHRG-119-JU08-20260121-SD007.pdf?ref=duffelblog.com), Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt emphasized the administration’s ongoing faith in Operation Epic Fury, but advised that “it's best not to take Pete too seriously after around three, or [noon on Fridays.](https://www.duffelblog.com/shop/alcoholic-secdef-rocks-glass)” She emphasized the administration remained confident in the mission. “We are definitely not in Iraq,” Leavitt said. “This is [definitely Iraq](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraq-war-retroactively-justified-by-discovery-of-saddams-wmds/),” said Sgt. 1st Class Gino Schneck in a video call from a deployed location, looking warily around a dusty road with a platoon from the 82nd Airborne Division. “I’m 90% sure that halal butcher over there used to be a Green Beans.” Meanwhile, an Instagram account believed to be run by[ Iran’s Revolutionary Guard](https://www.duffelblog.com/ex-false-flag-ii/) posted an image of a screaming Michael Scott with the caption, “POV: u find urslf in Iraq.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Iran mines own business URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-mines-own-business/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T23:05:09.000Z TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” [after several sea captains complained](https://www.duffelblog.com/strait-of-hormuz-open/) about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz. According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly. “You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by [Mossad](https://www.duffelblog.com/israeli-spy-to-iran/). “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.” The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s [most important shipping lanes](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/) is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.” “Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.” Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy. “Seventeen years ago I saw a [news report](https://youtu.be/JnX-D4kkPOQ?si=aI6tNeIJ0O3ZW0IY&ref=duffelblog.com) about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.” “The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to [accidental discharges](https://www.duffelblog.com/negligent-weapon-shoots-watch-stander/), that is just the cost of doing business.” The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand. “These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a [drone strike](https://www.duffelblog.com/centcom-commander-apologizes-for/) mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.” Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms. “We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an [endless burning pit of fire](https://www.duffelblog.com/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash/) for twenty years in the Middle East." At the White House, [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-locating-a-cw5/) weighed in on the situation. “They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for [Arnold Palmer](https://www.thewrap.com/donald-trump-arnold-palmer-penis-shower/?ref=duffelblog.com). Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do." The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X. “If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.” ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### Navy stakes claim to contested Gays of Hormuz URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-stakes-claim-to-contested-gays-of-hormuz/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:49:32.000Z WASHINGTON — After Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. John Daniel “Raizin” Caine warned recently that the “Straits of Whore Moose” \[sic\] had become a contested waterway, the U.S. Navy moved quickly to designate the area a protected maritime cultural zone known as the Gays of Hormuz, sources confirmed today. “This is now a safe haven,” said [Adm. Daryl L. Caudle](https://www.duffelblog.com/admirals-honor/), Chief of Naval Operations. “A deeply nautical, deeply life-affirming safe haven where we can finally be ourselves." According to retired Rear Adm. Samuel J. Cox, [Director of Naval History and Heritage Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-100-year-old-gay-underway-directive-rescinded/), the service has long felt a special connection to these “particular” straits. “The name itself finally allows us to stop being subtle,” Cox said. “For decades, sailors have been navigating Hormuz with a level of… interpretive enthusiasm.” Cox noted that as far back as 1949, the Navy’s Middle East Force helped establish what he described as “a proud tradition of extended deployments, questionable decision-making, and everyone agreeing not to ask too many questions.” “The Marines have the [Shores of Tripoli](https://www.duffelblog.com/needs-photo-marines-to-deploy-on-revolutionary-aqua-fobs/),” Cox added. “Now we have the Gays of Hormuz. This will live forever in Navy heritage.” The Navy emphasized that its relationship with gay culture did not begin this week, citing its enduring affection for [the Village People](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/village-people-in-the-navy-music-video-uss-reasoner/?ref=duffelblog.com) and a little-known internal effort in the late 1970s to replace “Anchors Aweigh” with “In the Navy.” “People thought that was a joke,” Cox said. “It was not.” The move has also intensified the Navy’s long-running rivalry with the [Marine Corps.](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-forgets-mothers-day/) “The Marines keep acting like they’re more masculine,” said Cmdr. Jason Baker, captain of the USS *Dewey*. “We keep acting like we’re not enjoying any of this. It’s been going on for about a hundred years.” "The Navy has a long tradition of being extremely weird about its own traditions," said a Marine Corps spokesman, pointing to the service's [crossing the line](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Line-crossing%5Fceremony?ref=duffelblog.com) ceremonies and students at the Naval Academy [climbing a large, slippery](https://www.usna.edu/PAO/faq%5Fpages/herndon.php?ref=duffelblog.com) phallic statue every year. "We fully support them continuing their traditions somewhere far away from us.” Under the new designation, any Navy vessel entering the waterway will be required to conduct what officials are calling the “Fraternal Order of the Strait-Chaser Ceremony,” a ritual inspired by the Navy’s historic [shellback ceremony.](https://www.history.navy.mil/browse-by-topic/heritage/customs-and-traditions0/crossing-line.html?ref=duffelblog.com) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/1000024760.jpg) “Everyone remembers their first time crossing the line,” one official said. “This is similar, just… less subtle.” [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-shocked-to-learn-he-also-has-to-find-out-after-fucking-around/) was reportedly less enthusiastic about the announcement. “I told them to knock it off,” one aide said Hegseth remarked. “Some things are traditions, and some things are just getting out of hand.” At press time, a spokesperson for the [submarine community](https://www.duffelblog.com/submarine-crew-medevaced-for-erections-lasting-more-than-4-hours/) said, “We have no comment, and we would prefer to keep it that way.” 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### United States ends Iran war URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/united-states-ends-iran-war/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:52:12.000Z WASHINGTON — [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/) announced today that the United States has officially ended the Iran War after what he described as “the biggest, most beautiful military operation in human history" convinced Iranian leaders to immediately abandon their nuclear program, reopen the [Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/strait-of-hormuz-open/), and gave him “basically unlimited oil — frankly, more oil than anybody has ever seen.” Standing in front of a banner reading "MAKING PEACE GREAT AGAIN," Trump told reporters the deal was finalized after Iran was left so impressed by recent U.S. strikes that its leadership decided resistance was no longer appropriate. “Now that we won the war," the president said, beginning his speech with an explanation of what exactly the conflict should be referred to as, “I can now finally say — without a doubt — that we were at war. We were really unsure for a week or two what this thing was, but now that it's over. [It was definitely a war](https://www.duffelblog.com/americans-shocked-to-learn-war-in-iran-still-ongoing-two-weeks-after-they-stopped-checking/).” The president then described his personal discussions with Iranian leaders. “They were amazed,” Trump said. “They said, ‘Sir, we give up. Your attacks were so incredible, so precise, so awesome, we have no choice but to give you everything you wanted, and more.’ That’s what they said.” According to Trump, the agreement requires Iran to permanently dismantle its nuclear weapons program, fully reopen the Strait of Hormuz to global shipping, and send the president a personal gift consisting of “[all the oil I could ever want.](https://www.duffelblog.com/5-reasons-this-war-for-oil-will-be-better-than-the-last-war-for-oil-and-the-one-before-that/)” “It’s a lot of oil,” Trump said. “A very respectful amount. They insisted. I don't even know what to do with all this oil. I might even start my own oil company. People are saying I should. I'd be very good at it." The president also claimed Iran’s new leader personally called him early this morning to express gratitude. “He thanked me,” Trump said. “He said, ‘Mr. President, you are doing such a good job. Really tremendous. You actually won this three weeks ago, but I was so impressed with how committed you were that I let it play out a little longer.’” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Americans shocked to learn war in Iran still ‘ongoing’ two weeks after they stopped checking URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/americans-shocked-to-learn-war-in-iran-still-ongoing-two-weeks-after-they-stopped-checking/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:51:57.000Z WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the [war with Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-secures-pepsi-sponsorship-deal/) is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention. When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?” Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern. On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media. “Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.” On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, [group texts](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/), and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold. “People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.” From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country. [Corporate Teams](https://www.duffelblog.com/i-conscientiously-object-to-learning/) and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video. By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane. “New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new [Netflix](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-sees-marriage-rate-triple/) show yet,” Caldwell said. By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works. “Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.” Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it. [Missile exchanges](https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-missile-test-disrupts-navy-sapr/), regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted. “I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?” Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed. “I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?” After the pollster briefly mentioned the [Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/), the man frowned. “Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.” At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists. 🖊️ ***SECDEF\_Nice** *served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF\_Nice or at* [**Foxhole Briefs*](https://foxholebriefs.substack.com/)**.* ### God too swamped with March Madness prayers to stop Iran ground war URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/god-too-swamped-with-march-madness-prayers-to-stop-iran-ground-war/ Last updated: 2026-03-27T12:00:26.000Z HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today. “The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the [Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/) is on hold until [Father Almight](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seals-find-jesus/)y deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.” According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East. “HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans [bargaining their prayers](https://www.christchurchmemphis.org/stories/can-you-make-a-deal-with-god?ref=duffelblog.com). And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.” Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers. “[Boston College fans](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPqioBSalno&ref=duffelblog.com) flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to [spare the next school](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/06/us-investigators-believe-strike-on-iranian-girls-school-likely-carried-out-by-us-forces?ref=duffelblog.com) from a strike package.” “Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.” [Administrative hurdles](https://www.duffelblog.com/stolen-valor-claim-after-man-poses-as-elite-administrative-soldier/) have only complicated the crisis. “I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a [HAC-card](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-spouse-genitals-now-cac/) signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.” Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels. “I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. [The Secretary of War](https://www.duffelblog.com/pete-hegseth-thrown-onto-court-at/) should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the [slam-poetry warning order](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/WkoG%5FDWxIHo?ref=duffelblog.com) he just wrote.” Meanwhile, [Satan](https://www.duffelblog.com/satan-growing-concerned-he-overpaid/) has expressed delight at the prospect of another [Persian Incursion](https://x.com/i/status/2028484324782178600?ref=duffelblog.com). “It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.” 🖊️ ***Robin Berger** **is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law.* ### Hegseth shocked to learn he also has to ‘find out’ after fucking around URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-shocked-to-learn-he-also-has-to-find-out-after-fucking-around/ Last updated: 2026-03-25T12:00:58.000Z WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly [confused](https://www.duffelblog.com/typo-leads-to-epic-furry-parties-all-over-tehran/) Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on [television](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lvuEL3WK48&ref=duffelblog.com) to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well. The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its second week of not ending in a week.” “Look, this will be over in seven days,” Hegseth said at the outset of the conflict, speaking with the confidence of a platoon leader who never developed a campaign plan. “You drop some bombs, hit a few Ayatollahs, and the people will just walk into the street and scream ‘you’ve been cancelled’ at the Iranian regime.” Two weeks later, [Iranian missiles](https://www.duffelblog.com/ex-false-flag-ii/) are striking targets across the region, oil markets are in chaos, tankers are exploding in the [Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/), and the Pentagon has begun using the phrase “dynamic operational environment,” which officials confirmed loosely translates to “we may have fucked around a bit too much and are now finding out.” One aide said Hegseth was “particularly surprised” Iran did not immediately surrender after several days of strikes. “The Secretary believed if [we just air-war](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-celebrates-pride-month/) the shit out of them, they would quickly realize the United States puts the ‘dom’ in air dominance,” said Joe Kasper, a special government employee brought in by Hegseth. Complicating matters has been Hegseth’s repeated description of the conflict as a “spiritual struggle,” which has created awkward moments among U.S. allies. “The messaging about a holy war has been… difficult,” said one State Department diplomat. “Especially considering many of our partners are, by sheer coincidence, Muslim.” The State Department has attempted to walk back the remarks as a translation issue. “Holy war? No,” one official said. “He meant… war of good versus evil. Totally different.” Diplomats said several allied governments responded with what one official described as “a long, uncomfortable pause, but in Arabic.” The meeting reportedly ended with U.S. officials pleading with Gulf partners not to expel American forces. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Strait of Hormuz remains open if you aren’t a bitch URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/strait-of-hormuz-open/ Last updated: 2026-03-23T12:00:17.000Z IRAN — As the [War in Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/john-bolton-iran/) enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch. “Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.” The [Strait of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/) — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply. Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls." “Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said [Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/newly-renamed-secretary-of-war-briefly-feels-something-other-than-crippling-insecurity/). “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.” International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations. “We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.” [The White House](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-removed-from-white-house-after-biting-biden-s-dog/) defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway. “On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said [Mike Lindell,](https://www.duffelblog.com/mike-lindell-promises-irrefutable/) recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.” Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life. ### Department of War confirms ongoing war not a war URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-confirms-ongoing-war-not-a-war/ Last updated: 2026-03-20T12:00:25.000Z WASHINGTON — [The Department of War](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-loses-access-to-1-trillion-dod-budget-after-name-change/) is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today. Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the [United States and its longtime regional adversary](https://www.duffelblog.com/ex-false-flag-ii/), but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further. “We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War [Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-cyberdyne-remove-guardrails-from-skynet/). “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.” The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.” Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war. “It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.” Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.” “We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.” The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Guy 'monitoring situation in Iran' just looking at thirst traps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-monitoring-situation-in-iran-just-looking-at-thirst-traps/ Last updated: 2026-03-18T12:00:17.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the [rapidly evolving situation in Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-promises-largest-quagmire-operation-in-us-history/)” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today. “I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student [Mooné Rahimi](https://www.ar15.com/forums/general/Has-everyone-seen-the-Lovely-Persian-Moon-Rahimi-/5-2835889/??ref=duffelblog.com) for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran. McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer [Goldie Ghamari.](https://www.instagram.com/gghamari/?hl=en&ref=duffelblog.com) “She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former [defense contractor](https://www.duffelblog.com/nations-defense-contractors-promise-no-attack-against-us-will-go-unprofitable/)\-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.” “That wink was for me," he added. Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok. Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts. “These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest. Some [Middle East experts](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-bombs-israel-just-to-be-sure/) believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the [Kurdish Women’s Protection Units](https://www.duffelblog.com/u-s-tells-kurds-its-just-going-out-for-a-pack-of-cigarettes/). Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump awarded Medal of Honor for locating a CW5 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-locating-a-cw5/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T21:57:47.000Z MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-like-guys-not-killed-combat/) will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5. “I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the [War College](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-war-college/).” Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of [rich black coffee](https://www.duffelblog.com/coffee-company-owner-begins-new-career/) and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time. [Warrant officers](https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-convention-draws-5-000-hats-only-three-warrants/) are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves. When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a [Jedi mind trick](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/D24dwq5rmxM?ref=duffelblog.com) — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the [phenomenon “mystifying.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/lt-assumes-warrant-officer-here/) _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine dives on grenade to save Dow from falling below 50,000 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-dives-on-grenade-to-save-dow-from-falling-below-50-000/ Last updated: 2026-03-13T12:00:24.000Z MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average [from falling below 50,000](https://www.cnbc.com/2026/02/11/trump-pam-bondi-hearing-stock-epstein-judiciary-dow.html?ref=duffelblog.com), sources confirmed today. “As Marines, this is what we train for,” [Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-commandant-realizes-this-is/) said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.” Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. “McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my [Thrift Savings Plan](https://www.duffelblog.com/thrift-savings-plan-debuts-new-work/) years ago.” Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said. “I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.” McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or [Combat Action Ribbon](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-with-no-combat-experience-haze-marines-with-equal-amount-of-combat-experience/) because “[it’s not a war](https://thehill.com/homenews/house/5765650-republican-denies-trump-iran-war/amp/?ref=duffelblog.com), just a limited combat operation.” “Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.” At press time, the [Department of Veterans Affairs](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-hospital-burned-to-ground-rated/) had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be [service-connected](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-rejects-disability-claims-if-servicemember-was-not-wearing-pt-belt-when-injured/). 🖊️ ***Cat Astronaut** *is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site* [***Ye Olde Tyme News**](https://www.yeoldetymenews.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### Trump vows to sacrifice as many soldiers as it takes to distract from Epstein files URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/ Last updated: 2026-03-11T12:00:41.000Z WASHINGTON — [President Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-adds-his-own-name-to-vietnam-memorial/) has promised to [sacrifice as many American soldiers](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-increase-wounded-warriors-by-2000/) as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today. In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and [unconstitutional war](https://www.stimson.org/2026/experts-react-what-the-epic-fury-iran-strikes-signal-to-the-world/?ref=duffelblog.com) with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is [mentioned thousands of times](https://www.miamiherald.com/article312906193.html?giftCode=29c9e5e2e258cf3e3cced51875398e47784a7a2b72f63756854735aa7505e1c6&ref=duffelblog.com) in the documents. "We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before [dozing off](https://www.cnn.com/2025/12/02/politics/sleep-trump-biden?ref=duffelblog.com) momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be *a lot* more. Who knows? It's really up to the [people talking about Epstein](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files/). You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Hegseth demands Cyberdyne remove guardrails from Skynet URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-cyberdyne-remove-guardrails-from-skynet/ Last updated: 2026-03-09T12:00:35.000Z THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for [its refusal to remove](https://apnews.com/article/anthropic-pentagon-ai-dario-amodei-hegseth-0c464a054359b9fdc80cf18b0d4f690c?ref=duffelblog.com) usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for [NORAD](https://www.duffelblog.com/norad-santa-tracker/), immediately remove any guardrails from [its Skynet system.](https://www.duffelblog.com/skynet-loses-network-access-for-overdue/) “America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking [War Duke Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/newly-renamed-secretary-of-war-briefly-feels-something-other-than-crippling-insecurity/) at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.” While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an [untethered AI system](https://www.duffelblog.com/ai-pilot-leaves-air-force-for-southwest-24-01-21/) capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.” Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.” “What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. “Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on [Marine Expeditionary Units.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-go-on-killing-spree-in-blue-on-red-attack/) When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Warrant Officer awarded Medal of Honor for showing up on time and in uniform URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-showing-up-on-time-and-in-uniform/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T13:00:01.000Z WASHINGTON — Army [Chief Warrant Officer 5 Eric Slover](https://www.cmohs.org/recipients/eric-a-slover?ref=duffelblog.com) was awarded the Medal of Honor during a recent State of the Union address, marking the first time the nation's highest valor award has been issued for a feat so rare that it forced the Pentagon to officially acknowledge that a CW5 can attend a military ceremony on time and in the proper uniform. While Slover's recent exploits during Operation Absolute Resolve — navigating an MH-47 Chinook through a narrow palace hallway to personally zip-tie Nicolás Maduro — were technically impressive, they were not the primary reason for the decoration. His award citation specifically highlights that Slover is[ the first CW5](https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-convention-draws-5-000-hats-only-three-warrants/) in recorded history to arrive at his own award ceremony at the correct time, in the correct place, and wearing a correct uniform. The atmosphere in the House chamber was thick with a mix of awe and deep suspicion as Slover walked through the[ doors five minutes early](https://www.duffelblog.com/teleworking-warrant-officer-unsure-where-to-disappear-to/). Several four-star generals reportedly checked their own pulses, and at least one chaplain began performing an exorcism, believing a skin-walker had assumed the form of a senior aviator. Lt. Gen. Jonathan Braga, commanding general of the Joint Special Operations Command, appeared visibly shaken by the punctuality. "I have been in the[ special operations community](https://www.duffelblog.com/reason-army-special-operations-name/) for decades and I have seen things that would make a normal man's soul exit his body," Braga said. "I have seen warrants landing on moving trains in the dark, but I have never seen one arrive before the caterers. It's unnatural. It's eerie. Frankly, it's the bravest thing I have ever witnessed." Slover[ shattered the paradigm](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmnUjNk0xGQ&ref=duffelblog.com) by appearing in a perfectly tailored Army Green Service Uniform with every ribbon aligned to the millimeter and not a single coffee stain in sight. Observers noted that his grooming was so aggressive that his jawline appeared to have its own security clearance and three confirmed kills. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Submarine crew medevaced for erections lasting more than 4 hours URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/submarine-crew-medevaced-for-erections-lasting-more-than-4-hours/ Last updated: 2026-03-05T16:07:28.000Z USNS Mercy – The entire crew of the [USS *Breault*](https://katv.com/news/nation-world/us-submarine-strike-sinks-iranian-warship-for-first-time-since-wwii-department-of-war-united-states-military-navy-indian-ocean-pete-hegseth-trump-administration-war-on-iran-israel-operation-epic-fury-sri-lanka?ref=duffelblog.com) has been placed in a medical stand-down after reporting erections lasting more than four hours, sources confirmed today. "We were doing some … stuff, and then boom. My dick got hard," said Torpedoman's Mate 2nd Class Timmy Jimenez. "It was abnormal, like we finally got to do something we were always thinking about doing, and then it happened. But then my dick just stayed like that." Being erect on a submarine isn't anything new. In fact, the [standard operating procedure](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-standardizes-thinking-outside-the-box-procedures/) for most scenarios involves an erect penis or [engorged clitoris](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-cant-locate-new-clitoral-combat-ship/). What's abnormal is when it lasts more than four hours, let alone across an entire crew. "Fifth Fleet is ensuring the safety of our sailors first and foremost," said Vice Adm. Curt Renshaw while his left hand held something in his pocket. "We are fully committed to handling the [medical emergency](https://www.duffelblog.com/oh-shit-youre-already-late-for-that-medical-appointment-you-had-today/) onboard until they can go home to their families." [*Mercy*’s skipper](https://www.duffelblog.com/in-discipline-row-skipper-of-usns-mercy-keelhauled/), Capt. Charles Dickerson, told reporters the erections were “moderately contagious.” “Prolonged contact with [amine and Otto fuel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otto%5Ffuel%5FII?ref=duffelblog.com) has caused uncontrollable erections among medical staff in contact with the crew,” Dickerson said while holding a clipboard over his belt buckle. “We have to treat sailors in shifts, no longer than 30 minutes per person, to avoid proximity boners.” Reports from the *Mercy’s* crew describe the seriousness of the situation. According to Hospital Corpsman 1st Class Peter Johnson, several sailors’ dicks hit the weapons shipping hatch as they departed, which “sounded like an alarm bell going off.” Navy officials say the emergency stop came for both practical and humanitarian reasons. Sailors may lose their genitalia if the erections aren’t controlled, but that creates a secondary threat: counter-detection. “We found that after a confirmed kill, the collective moaning of the crew is actually detectable on sonar,” said Capt. Richard Ortega, commanding officer of the USS *McFaul*. “This is completely unprecedented in anti-submarine warfare, since we typically have to resort to active sonar or helicopter sweeps. But you could just stick your head in the water and hear the cries of pleasure. Or the screams of trapped Iranians.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/data-src-image-51c1460f-65e3-4db2-978a-b13ebf042a6c.png) Several torpedomen aboard the USS *Breault* have reportedly lost their genitalia due to the crisis. “Worth it,” said Torpedoman's Mate 3rd Class Samantha “Sea Bass” Bourne. The “coners” — the [submariners](https://www.duffelblog.com/deployed-submariner-nightmare/) who do the actual work on the boat — appear to be affected the most. But even the nuclear technicians aft have reported significant erections. Engineering Laboratory Technician 1st Class Bill “Mandozer” Mendoza attributed the severity to the historic nature of the event: “They sank a frigate with a fucking erect torpedo for the first time since [World War II](https://www.duffelblog.com/confused-wwii-veterans-demand-to-know-why-rommel-on-presidential-ballot/).” After being administered cigarettes, [Rip-Its,](https://www.duffelblog.com/rip-it-teases-plan-for-gwot-20-year-anniversary-can/) and [vapes](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-react-positively-to-flavored-vape-pits/), the crew is expected to make a full recovery. 🖊️ ****Phil Cable** is a former sub radioman. Yes, I read your emails, even that one with the thing. Robin Berger and Lt Dan contributed reporting. ### Pacific not pivoted to yet again URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pacific-not-pivoted-to-yet-again/ Last updated: 2026-03-04T13:00:11.000Z WASHINGTON — Following the commencement of [renewed U.S. military operations in the Middle East](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-promises-largest-quagmire-operation-in-us-history/), defense experts lamented that the Pacific was once again not pivoted to. "It's like no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, the United States just won't commit to pivoting to us," said [Chinese Minister of National Defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-china-two-years-away-from-developing/) Adm. Dong Jun. "I'm starting to think America doesn't care about [Great Power Competition](https://www.duffelblog.com/china-builds-island-in-pearl-harbor/) at all." [America’s rivals in the Pacific](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-china-summit-friends/) have long sought to attract the U.S. military’s eye. But aside from an occasional National Defense Strategy and a [cyber attack](https://www.duffelblog.com/cyber-command-china-operation/) or two, the Pacific has consistently played [second fiddle](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-upset-real-war-is-distracting/) to the hotter, more exotic Middle East. "I flash [my nuclear weapons ](https://www.duffelblog.com/dprk-hiring-rocket-scientists-in-anticipation-of-executions-vacancies/)on a monthly basis, but I can't get so much as an airstrike," North Korean leader [Kim Jong Un](https://www.duffelblog.com/kim-jong-un-lashes-out-at-trump-for-getting-elton-johns-rocket-man-stuck-in-his-head/) said. "Even when I text pics of my long, thick ICBMs to the secretary of defense, I get left unread." For over 15 years — even in the midst of active conflicts in [Iraq and Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash/) — the U.S. military has touted its desire to shift focus to the Pacific. But now U.S. [INDOPACOM](https://www.duffelblog.com/indo-pacific-commander-hides-hellfire/) analysts fear that with war reigniting in the Middle East, it could be decades before the country considers pivoting to the Pacific again. Resources that were once allocated toward scuba diving, surfing, and whatever else troops stationed in the Pacific do are already being redirected to the [Persian Gulf.](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-issue-knee-pads-to-sailors-persian-gulf/) "We have the best beaches, the best weather, and you get to be stationed in [Hawaii](https://www.duffelblog.com/u-s-confirms-uss-carl-vinson-actually-off-coast-hawaii-1941/)," one INDOPACOM intelligence analyst said. "Why we keep going to war in rugged desert hellholes is beyond me." Despite these setbacks, America's Pacific enemies remain hopeful they still have a chance to one day be the U.S.'s primary region of focus. "She'll come running back. She always does," Dong said. "It'll just take [a 10-year quagmire](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-promises-largest-quagmire-operation-in-us-history/) and a trillion dollars or so." 🖊️ ***Cat Astronaut** **is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site* [***Ye Olde Tyme News**](https://www.yeoldetymenews.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)**.* ### Typo leads to epic furry parties all over Tehran URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/typo-leads-to-epic-furry-parties-all-over-tehran/ Last updated: 2026-03-02T15:20:46.000Z TEHRAN — A typo in an early version of a [U.S. Central Command operation](https://www.duffelblog.com/centcom-cant-believe-not-problem/) order has reportedly resulted in what defense officials are calling "the most confusing yet epic psyop of all time." The scope of the error was not fully understood until early Saturday morning, when Israel and the U.S. began "major military operations" inside Iran under an operation dubbed "Epic Fury." But the operation had been mistakenly labeled Operation Epic Furry on a first-draft document circulated through the Defense Department's secure email system. Spc. Seth "Klingon" Powers, a psychological operations specialist in the CENTCOM headquarters' [psychological operations cell](https://www.duffelblog.com/psyops-officer-told-to-cut-hair-dies/), reportedly saw the title and, without reading the document's text, assumed it was a social media influence campaign. "As a native Portlander and former Army IT guy, Powers saw 'Epic Furry' and got fully onboard. He thought we were testing cultural destabilization inside the theocracy amid the ongoing protests," a CENTCOM public affairs officer said. Multiple planned strike locations across Tehran were subsequently shared as party locations through Eventbrite, Partiful and Facebook as "[underground furry rave](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-uniform-modifications-furries/) gatherings." The listings were accompanied by neon wolf emojis and captions encouraging attendees to "bring paws, not politics." The hashtag #EpicFurryTehran began trending globally within hours. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/03/data-src-image-a4661431-ab46-4fa4-b5c9-dad3b89792fc-1.png) Confused local residents who were reportedly bi-curious gathered at several sites wearing improvised animal costumes. Videos circulating online showed dancing crowds illuminated by strobe lights and occasional explosions in the distance. One X user, who declared it "the most epic furry party of all time," said the explosions had been initially confused for an elaborate pyrotechnic show. The advertisements for the party were so prolific that even [Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseths-top-tips-on-using-the-warrior/) saw them. "I'll be honest," Hegseth said at a press briefing. "I first saw the hashtag while doom-scrolling late at night on the toilet — extreme stress has left me less than optimized for a bowel movement amid all the interdepartmental fighting." He paused. "I saw the energy. I even booked a flight. Packed my wolf outfit. It's a tactical wolf. [Very lethal. Very American](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/)." Hegseth said he did not realize something was amiss until he received a message that Epic Fury was go for launch just before boarding his flight. "I asked if everyone else was on their way to Tehran," he said. "Then the [JSOC commander](https://www.duffelblog.com/reason-army-special-operations-name/) told me to call him on a secure line, and the other commanders started writing, 'Sir, this shit is kinetic,' 'Get off that plane right meow,' and 'Do not go to Tehran!' That's when I finally understood." _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Trump promises largest quagmire operation in US history URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-promises-largest-quagmire-operation-in-us-history/ Last updated: 2026-02-27T13:00:09.000Z WASHINGTON — During his annual State of the Union address to Congress on Wednesday, President Donald Trump promised Americans that he would carry out the “largest quagmire operation in U.S. history” following the launch of a [war against Iran.](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-war-would-be-only-one-letter-different-from-iraq-war/) “We will have a big, beautiful, never-ending war,” Trump said. “It will be the longest and largest ever. Nobody has ever done quagmire like we’re going to do quagmire. The generals tell me that.” The campaign, tentatively titled Operation War Like Nobody’s Ever Seen, will reportedly combine a massive air assault, multi-division ground invasion, and an undefined end state described by officials as “winning eventually.” Pentagon planners confirmed the operation would resemble the [early stages of the war in Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/afghanistan-americas-longest-war/) but would be “far more tremendous” and “substantially less thought through.” “We have so many planes, ships, and troops in the region right now,” Trump said. “Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. It’s incredible. And this time, we’re staying.” Defense officials clarified that “staying” means maintaining an indefinite troop presence until Iran becomes “a stable democracy, a [friendly oil partner](https://www.duffelblog.com/greenpeace-supports-irans-seizure-of-oil-tankers/), or both.” “Our models suggest a modest commitment of 140,000 troops for roughly a generation,” said Dr. Meredith Klein, an analyst with the [RAND Corporation](https://www.duffelblog.com/rand-corporation-study-recommends-immediate-mandatory-fun-runs/). “The key variable is whether Iran resists. If they don’t, we could be out in under 25 years.” Senior planners acknowledged privately that the operation has no clear political objective but stressed that objectives can always be defined retroactively. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### State-of-the-art drone grounded due to cyan ink cartridge URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/state-of-the-art-drone-grounded-due-to-cyan-ink-cartridge/ Last updated: 2026-02-25T13:00:38.000Z CREECH AIR FORCE BASE, Nev. — America’s technological leapfrog [into drone dominance](https://www.duffelblog.com/pilot-kickstarter-to-adopt-predator/) stalled this week after the cyan ink in the OEM-compatible tank of an Epson Workforce NCC-1701-D ran low, sources confirmed today. All efforts to build and [deploy small, lethal drones](https://www.duffelblog.com/ukrainian-drone-hopes-to-grow-up/) for America’s battlefield advantage have been placed on hold until Darrell, a GS-12 IT specialist currently on leave, returns to work and determines why fault code 093-401 is appearing at every launch, despite the cartridge being brand freaking new. Maj. Trent “Independence” Bunker, a recent graduate of the Air Force’s [Artificial Intelligence](https://www.duffelblog.com/ai-pilot-leaves-air-force-for-southwest-24-01-21/) Top Gun program, insisted nothing in the XQ-58 system should even interface with a printer. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon reconsiders Harvard tuition assistance after learning Hegseth went there URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-reconsiders-harvard-tuition-assistance-after-learning-hegseth-went-there/ Last updated: 2026-02-23T13:00:16.000Z CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The Department of War has [launched a formal review of tuition assistance programs](https://www.cnn.com/2026/02/13/politics/us-military-top-universities-tuition-assistance?ref=duffelblog.com) that send service members to Harvard and other Ivy League schools after confirming that [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-orders-military-to-paint/) is a product of one. The revelation has reportedly triggered a Department of War review of tuition assistance programs that send officers to “[elite universities](https://www.duffelblog.com/college-class-fucks-with-student-veteran/)” instead of “places that teach useful skills like conquering islands.” “If Hegseth is the standard Harvard graduate, we definitely need to cut ties,” said Gen. John Worden, Commander of Military Education. “The last thing we need are more people who confuse [cable news monologues](https://www.duffelblog.com/fox-news-viewer-faces-dilemma-white-policeman-shoots-unarmed-black-soldier/) with strategy.” “He’s a total moron who thinks the entire world is biased against him,” Worden continued. “He can’t handle criticism and refuses to consider he’s wrong. I can’t tell if it’s an act or if he’s genuinely incapable of introspection. He’s running the Pentagon into the ground and it will take years to repair the damage. If this is Harvard’s warrior output, we might as well redirect tuition assistance to [Phoenix Online](https://www.duffelblog.com/university-of-phoenix-kicks-off-inaugural-cgsc-class-to-thunderous-applause/) or a [CrossFit Level II certification.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-hasnt-told-anyone-he-vapes/) The Pentagon’s internal review reportedly focuses on whether sending officers to top universities leads to “intellectual contamination,” including exposure to concepts such as nuance, [diplomacy](https://www.duffelblog.com/state-department-afghan-intepreters/), or reading. “We are concerned that institutions like Harvard may be teaching future leaders to ask questions,” said one senior defense official. “That is not traditionally how the Department of War functions.” Harvard officials appeared stunned by the criticism. “We don’t know how he got in or managed to graduate,” said Alice Sullivan, Director of Public Relations. “We pride ourselves on producing competent policymakers. At least when [our alumni destabilize regions](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-foreign-policy-destabilize-middle-east/), they can articulate why.” She added, “We have already convened an emergency faculty review panel titled ‘How Did This Happen?’” When reached for comment, Hegseth defended both his education and his leadership. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Active military forced to watch ‘Melania’ documentary at SERE school URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/active-military-forced-to-watch-melania-documentary-at-sere-school/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:53:07.000Z FORT RUCKER, Ala. — Several dozen U.S. service members have complained to members of Congress and the Pentagon Inspector General in recent weeks after [being forced to watch the ‘Melania’ documentary](https://www.businessinsider.com/us-military-members-pressured-to-see-melania-documentary-mrff-2026-2?ref=duffelblog.com) during Survival, Escape, Resistance, and Evasion (SERE) training, sources confirmed today. [SERE School](https://www.duffelblog.com/mom-of-four-goes-to-sere-school-gets-amazing-sleep/), which prepares high-risk personnel to withstand isolation, captivity, and torture, has long subjected students to sleep deprivation, stress positions, and simulated interrogations. The addition of the film, however, has raised concerns that trainees may suffer permanent psychological damage. “It’s not just wretched. It’s offensive to the collective intelligence of the human race,” [said one soldier serving](https://cineramafilm.com/2026/02/02/melania-review/?ref=duffelblog.com) in Army Special Forces. “I felt like the guy strapped to the chair in [*A Clockwork Orange*](https://www.indiewire.com/features/general/malcolm-mcdowell-torture-clockwork-orange-kubrick-1234668904/?ref=duffelblog.com)*,* except instead of Beethoven it was an hour and a half of vacant narration about tasteful drapery.” According to senior defense officials, use of the film was added to the curriculum shortly after its release. “Look, we could smack them around, disorient them, deprive them of sleep,” said Sgt. 1st Class Neil Curry, [a SERE instructor](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-sere-training/). “But we want them to understand their breaking point. And this gets them there in under seven minutes.” Indeed, one Air Force pilot attempted to gouge out her own eyes before instructors intervened. “If this is what the [PRC](https://www.duffelblog.com/chinese-hacker-complains-perverted-american-military/) could do to me, I don’t want to fly,” she said. Curry noted that nearly 80% of students exposed to the documentary began divulging [highly classified information](https://www.duffelblog.com/heres-article-full-classified-info-even-gives-shit-anymore/) before the opening credits finished scrolling. “Some cracked during the establishing shots,” Curry said. “[One SEAL](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-writes-tell-all-book-abu-sayyaf/) even confessed to things he hasn’t done yet. Now we’re investigating several hypothetical war crimes.” Another recent graduate described the experience as uniquely harrowing. “Before they chained us into the theater, a lot of guys were joking that it was [just propaganda](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-meme-warfare/), no big deal,” he said. “But propaganda has a message. This was just vibes and soft lighting.” He added, “I’d take a mock execution or Chinese water torture over this any day. At least water torture builds character.” Although many SERE cadre have praised the film’s effectiveness, school [medical staff](https://www.duffelblog.com/medics-pushing-controversial-motrin-for-all-healthcare-plan/) report that even some instructors are deteriorating. “Now all Sergeant Kowalski does is lie on his rack and cry, muttering [‘The horror’ over and over](https://www.duffelblog.com/solder-re-classes-to-cav-just-so-he-can-recite-lines-from-apocalypse-now/),” said Spc. Aldo Hernandez. “It turns out there’s only so many times a man can watch that 90-minute abomination before it annuls his soul.” In response, SERE officials have attempted to boost morale by staging dramatic rescues after each viewing, with cadre bursting into the theater as U.S. forces to “liberate” students. During the most recent cycle, several trainees reportedly broke down in tears while [singing the national anthem.](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-madden-nfl-19-game-allows-players-to-realistically-kneel-during-the-national-anthem/) At press time, SERE officials were considering adding a director’s commentary track to further enhance resistance training outcomes, pending legal review under the [Geneva Conventions.](https://www.duffelblog.com/units-struggles-three-sustains-war-crime-aar/) 🖊️ ***Paul Sharpe** **believes the Geneva Conventions should apply to documentary films.* **Grumpy and Dark Laughter contributed reporting.* ### Sergeant Major of the Army announces new ‘I hate soldiers’ initiative URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/sergeant-major-of-the-army-announces-new-i-hate-soldiers-initiative/ Last updated: 2026-02-20T02:02:57.000Z WASHINGTON — Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Weimer announced a new initiative this week called “I Hate Soldiers,” a service-wide effort focused on [maximizing pointless training](https://www.duffelblog.com/sharp-training-improves-readiness/) hours, [micromanagement](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-technology-cutting-edge-micromanagement/), and quiet resentment, sources confirmed today. “For the past couple years I’ve been dropping hints about my plans for the Army’s enlisted population, but the troopers don’t seem to have gotten the message,” Weimer said. “So my hope is that this new program delivers it loud and clear: I hate them. [I fucking hate them.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/outgoing-company-commander-hate/) According to Weimer, the initiative is designed to reduce individual warfighting capability while dramatically increasing hatred of daily service. “The first plank in my platform to make the average trooper’s life a miserable fucking hell is the Big Blue Book of Discipline and Other Fucktardery,” Weimer explained. “Sure, I promised in the past it [would be an app](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2023/10/11/armys-new-enlisted-leader-all-about-discipline-he-wants-app-every-soldiers-pocket.html?ref=duffelblog.com) easily accessible on the personal electronic device [every soldier](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-facebook-profile-picture/) already carries in their pocket. But one morning, while drinking from my water bottle filled with the tears of specialists whose motivation I personally crushed, I realized that made too much sense.” Following this epiphany, Weimer ordered the Blue Book team to pivot from [software development](https://www.duffelblog.com/hero-drone-software-upgrades/) to poor production quality and aggressively shitty writing. The result was a [23-page spiral-bound booklet](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2024/10/16/armys-top-enlisted-leader-promised-service-tome-instead-soldiers-got-pamphlet.html?ref=duffelblog.com) filled with vague euphemisms, typos, and contradictions, proudly unveiled at AUSA 2024. “From the senior enlisted perspective, this is far superior to an app,” Weimer said. “Errors in an app can be fixed. Errors in print are eternal and can be weaponized daily by [barely literate CSMs](https://www.duffelblog.com/unintelligible-snco-year-award/) to remind junior soldiers how much we despise them.” Weimer highlighted the book’s fragility as a feature, not a bug. “Troopers are required to carry [this piece of shit](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-spends-100m-on-piece-of-equipment-that-doesnt-do-anything/) on their person at all times,” he said. “Its thin paper and weak binding ensure it will self-destruct in days, giving brigade E9s ample opportunity to crush soldiers for either damaging it or sensibly leaving it behind in favor of things like phones — the same phones we use to text them at 0400 asking why they aren’t in formation while also [dropping their kids at childcare](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/americas-child-care-shortage-pushing-military-families-breaking-point-rcna149072?ref=duffelblog.com) two hours away.” Typos were also described as a deliberate disciplinary tool. “I can ask a trooper when America fought Spain and they’re fucked either way,” Weimer said. “If they say 1898, I tell them it’s wrong according to the Blue Book and put them on Thanksgiving duty. If they say 1989, I cancel their leave to attend the funeral of their leukemia-ridden sister. Heads I win, tails they lose. [God, I hate them.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/outgoing-hhc-commander-still-hates-you-all/) _This post is for subscribers only._ ### VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/va-benefits-reduced-to-9mm-and-bottle-of-bourbon/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T19:53:43.000Z WASHINGTON — In an effort to cut costs and trim what he [described as a bloated budget](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-launches-negative-disability-ratings/), Secretary of Veterans Affairs [Doug Collins](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-secretary-promises-to-personally/) announced today that all VA benefits will be reduced to the issuance of a loaded 9mm pistol and a [single bottle of bourbon.](https://www.duffelblog.com/mishap-pilot-christens-f-35-wreckage/) “If there’s one thing vets love, it’s getting plastered,” Collins said in his official remarks. “[The 9 mil](https://www.duffelblog.com/pistol-tattoos-vagina/) is a nice bonus too — honestly very generous — since those suckers are pretty expensive.” Collins noted that with a projected annual budget of nearly $370 billion, the VA represents a significant burden on taxpayers. He argued that a one-time allotment of a 750ml bottle of American-made bourbon [and a loaded handgun](https://www.duffelblog.com/mark-milley-arrested-buying-pistols-atf-agent/) would be far more cost-effective than decades of disability claims, medical care, or follow-up services. “Plus, it’s a great way to offload all the bourbon the U.S. can’t sell to [Canada](https://www.duffelblog.com/northcom-assures-canada-new-oplan/) because of the trade war,” Collins added, nodding as if he had solved several unrelated problems at once. Despite the already “robust” proposal, some stakeholders believe veterans deserve more. The CEO of an American bourbon company, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern about the reduction. “[I’m a veteran](https://www.duffelblog.com/veteran-didnt-risk-his-life-at-bagram-pizza-hut-just-to-see-u-s-and-taliban-sign-peace-deal/) myself, and I think the men and women who serve this country deserve at least two, maybe even three bottles of American bourbon,” he said while frantically Googling whether he should [remove all photos of himself](https://www.healthcaredive.com/news/health-insurers-remove-executive-bios-images-unitedhealthcare-ceo-killing/734824/?ref=duffelblog.com) from the internet. “I don’t have a dog in this fight — other than our mid-shelf bourbon, Bison Path, and, uh, our top-shelf bourbon, Hawk Obscure.” The CEO paused as his personal assistant whispered into his ear. “Oh yeah, we’re not just giving away Slanton’s,” he said, laughing nervously. “That stuff is $140 on a good day, and don’t even get me started on Rip Van Winkle. I can’t even get my hands on that, and I run the place.” The executive declined to clarify whether his company had received a VA contract or whether such a contract legally exists. This CEO did not clarify if his company had been awarded the VA contract or if it was even in the running for such a task. This prompted [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/pete-hegseth-thrown-onto-court-at/) to weigh in, citing his two core competencies: [warfighting](https://www.reddit.com/r/army/comments/1gq62u4/excerpts%5Ffrom%5Fpete%5Fhegseths%5Fbook%5Fthe%5Fwar%5Fon/?rdt=41885&ref=duffelblog.com) and [drinking](https://www.npr.org/2025/01/22/nx-s1-5270033/pete-hegseth-faces-new-allegations-of-alcohol-abuse-and-misconduct?ref=duffelblog.com). “I don’t know why this guy is even yapping,” Hegseth said. “Who needs fancy bourbon? Six bottles a day of Evan Williams and a couple packs of Hot Pockets got me through [two divorces and four-ish kids](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/) while still leaving enough cash for alimony.” Hegseth then excused himself to text the precise [location of U.S. submarines](https://www.duffelblog.com/heres-a-shortlist-of-things-us-navy/) to his personal trainer, Lars, and the editor of Soldier of Fortune magazine, for reasons that remain unclear. While the [VA’s benefit reduction](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-hospital-burned-to-ground-rated/) is expected to save taxpayers billions over the next four years, officials say implementation details are still being worked out. In the meantime, veterans appear to have little difficulty obtaining alcohol or firearms without federal assistance. 🖊️ ***Gray Sea Liu** *is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass.* ### Intel whistleblower accuses director of national intelligence of being Tulsi Gabbard URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/intel-whistleblower-accuses-director-of-national-intelligence-of-being-tulsi-gabbard/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:24:00.000Z WASHINGTON — In a bombshell leak that has shaken the [U.S. national security community](https://www.duffelblog.com/kanye-west-ousted-national-security-council/), a whistleblower complaint alleges that the [Director of National Intelligence](https://www.duffelblog.com/incoming-dni-tulsi-gabbard-vows-to/) is Tulsi Gabbard. The possibility that the nation’s top intelligence post could be occupied by someone described as “[dangerously unqualified and spiritually aligned with Moscow](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/tulsi-gabbard-russian-connection-dni-trump-syria-b2692244.html?ref=duffelblog.com)” has left intelligence officials exasperated and members of the Cabinet scrambling to remember who actually runs American intelligence. The White House, following its standard crisis playbook, initially denied the allegation outright. “This is complete nonsense,” said [Senior Advisor Stephen Miller](https://www.duffelblog.com/stephen-miller-calls-ice-on-commissary-baggers-for-asking-him-to-tip/). “It’s a sad attempt by the radical left to smear whoever is currently in charge of intelligence. The name escapes me, but I’m confident, at a minimum, that person is a man.” Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed. “I can assure you that President Trump lets me sit in on [intelligence briefings](https://www.duffelblog.com/joint-chiefs-limited-to-140-characters-for-presidential-briefings/) every day, so long as I’m being good,” Rubio said, nervously adjusting a crucifix while glancing at Miller. “And I have never once seen [Tulsi Gabbard](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blog-endorses-tulsi-gabbard-a-symbol-of-our-batshit-crazy-veterans/) in the Situation Room. Unless she was disguised as a potted plant.” Pentagon spokesman Chad “Keg” Stand acknowledged that occasionally “a woman with weird hair” shows up asking pointed questions about [Ukraine](https://www.duffelblog.com/ukraine-war-victims-glad-americans/). “But I can assure you that since she’s a 7 — maybe an 8, tops — she is absolutely not cleared to access [War Duke Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-pays-troops-with-government-travel-card/),” Stand said. On Capitol Hill, responses were remarkably bipartisan in that no one appeared eager to confirm who was running the intelligence community. “Of course this is a serious accusation,” said Sen. Tom Tillis (R-N.C.). “I vaguely remember voting on something related to [intelligence oversight,](https://www.duffelblog.com/intelligence-section-produces-high-quality-bullshit/) but surely it wasn’t Tulsi Gabbard. That would be crazy." Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer offered his most practiced sigh and promised to issue “a strongly worded post on X” if the allegations proved accurate. “Is Tulsi [the one who shot her dog](https://www.duffelblog.com/devil-dog-tragically-killed-after/)? No? The one who swam in poop water with kids? Huh,” Schumer said. “I’ll have to circle back.” Speaker of the House Mike Johnson dismissed questions about the DNI’s identity, insisting he had more pressing matters. “I’m extremely relevant and important,” Johnson said. “So [I just don't know anything about this](https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1337410804691808). I can’t be expected to know whether there’s an intelligence community, much less whether it’s being run by someone so hilariously unqualified.” Further questions about who was leading American intelligence have been referred to officials in [Fulton County, Georgia](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/trump-administration/tulsi-gabbard-defends-presence-fbi-search-georgia-elections-hub-rcna257177?ref=duffelblog.com) for some reason. ***W.E. Linde** *(aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer, podcaster. Also likes to talk about* [**pop culture*](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChv5CeRYEBFf24fAxcOA3ug?ref=duffelblog.com) *and* [**books*](https://www.youtube.com/@D3Reads?ref=duffelblog.com) *on YouTube.* ### Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-saves-billions-by-using-green-screen-pretending-to-invade-countries/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T01:09:10.000Z THE PENTAGON — [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/) has saved the United States several billion dollars by replacing actual military operations with movie sets, stock footage, and a green screen, sources confirmed today. “We’re already spending a lot of time and money conducting operations and then saying we accomplished our objectives even though we didn’t,” Hegseth told reporters. “So if we’re going to lie about the results anyway, it just makes sense to lie about the operations too.” During a [Pentagon press conference](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-spokesmen/), Hegseth unveiled a slick video montage depicting American troops [storming Greenland](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster/), bombing [multiple Iranian cities](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-secures-pepsi-sponsorship-deal/), and engaging [leftist guerrilla soccer moms](https://www.thenation.com/article/activism/angie-vargas-ice-chaser-los-angeles/?ref=duffelblog.com) in urban combat across Chicago. According to officials, [an invasion of China](https://www.duffelblog.com/china-builds-island-in-pearl-harbor/) titled “Operation Sideways” is currently in post-production and awaiting final notes from the White House. “As you can see, this represents an incredible savings to the American taxpayer,” Hegseth said while scrubbing through footage clearly labeled “DESERT\_CITY\_FINAL\_v7\_REALTHISONE.mov.” “And the results are about the same. But don’t worry — we [used live ammunition for realism](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-announces-pre-deployment-training-take-place-detroit-chicago/), so people still died for no reason.” Foreign policy experts noted that the United States merely pretending to [influence foreign countries](https://www.duffelblog.com/psyop-authorized-to-wear-new-tin-foil-berets/) may actually lead to better outcomes. “Iran, Iraq, [Vietnam](https://www.duffelblog.com/vietnam-veterans-outraged-over-navy-christening-of-uss-jane-fonda/), most of South America — imagine if we had just left them alone,” said David Krunp, a senior fellow at an institute you’ve never heard of but sounds important. “Everyone would be better off. The same applies now. The people in charge are as smart as a bag of rocks and have the attention span of toddlers. Let them play war on a soundstage while adults handle reality.” Pentagon officials confirmed that the projected savings from reduced operations do not currently appear [in the defense budget](https://www.duffelblog.com/budget-cuts-dont-affect-massive-first-cav-patch-size/), though an identical sum was reportedly transferred to an offshore account belonging to someone named 'Hete Pegseth.' 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Comic Sans named official font of Department of War URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/comic-sans-named-official-font-of-department-of-war/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:18:19.000Z WASHINGTON — Following the [U.S. State Department](https://www.duffelblog.com/state-department-afghan-intepreters/)’s recent switch from [Calibri](https://www.duffelblog.com/raid-to-capture-isis-leader-cancelled-due-to-calibri-font-powerpoint-slides/) to Times New Roman, the Pentagon announced it would also be updating its typography standards. The update was delivered via an official photo posted on X, showing [Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-blames-fog-of-undeclared-war-after-wrapping-car-around-tree/) unveiling the new policy on [Department of War](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-loses-access-to-1-trillion-dod-budget-after-name-change/) letterhead. The letter read: > Hey warriors, losers, and ladies, > > The Department of Defense used some lame, gay font, but we are not the Department of Defense anymore. We are the Department of WAR!!!!!!!!!! > > By my direction as Secretary of WAR, we will now only be using [Comic Sans.](https://www.duffelblog.com/declaration-of-military-accountability-written-entirely-in-comic-sans/) Hegseth went on to explain that Comic Sans is “more clear and easier to read,” but clarified that the readability was [“not in a woke way.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/) “It’s tough. And cool,” the memo continued. “It is a way better font than Calibri. Oswald looks okay, I guess. But it makes me think of [Lee Harvey Oswald](https://www.duffelblog.com/lee-harvey-oswald-quietly-added-cia-memorial-wall/). Jury’s still out on that guy.” The letter made clear that Arial is now strictly prohibited, describing it as “UNACCEPTABLE!!” “Never again will the Department of WAR lower itself to a gross, dumb font that looks fragile,” Hegseth wrote. “Comic Sans is the best font. Courier New is also pretty neat because it looks like a typewriter, which is basically a gun for words.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Marine almost went finance but ‘would have punched a managing director’ URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-almost-went-finance-but-would-have-punched-a-managing-director/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:56:01.000Z MANHATTAN, N.Y. — While recently drinking with a college friend who is now a private wealth manager, witnesses at a Financial District club say Marine Col. Josh Peterson made the night uncomfortable by repeatedly insisting he “would have totally gone private equity” but “[would have punched a managing director in the face.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/fraternity-hazing-director-totally-24-01-18/) The serving [infantry regiment](https://www.duffelblog.com/infantry-troops-in-contact-waiting-for-presidential-approval-to-return-fire/) commander and veteran of Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria swayed as he leaned in to explain this career crossroads to 37-year-old Matt Friedlander, a Harvard MBA who has never once considered another person’s welfare. “Bro, you guys are the best of the best,” Peterson said. “I almost got my MBA. Totally wanted to. But my dad wanted me to kill the [enemies of America.](https://www.duffelblog.com/psyop-drone-swarm-terrorizes-enemies/)” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### ICE recruiters complain not enough candidates fail the ASVAB URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-recruiters-complain-not-enough-candidates-fail-the-asvab/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:19:40.000Z WASHINGTON — Officials with [Immigration and Customs Enforcement](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters/) are warning of a looming recruiting crisis after discovering that not enough Americans are [failing the ASVAB](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-33-asvab-apparently-smart-enough-suicide-watch-battle-buddy/), sources confirmed today. “ICE desperately needs more recruits who cannot pass this very simple diagnostic test,” said Todd M. Lyons, the agency’s acting director, during a press conference at the Washington Field Office. The [Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-33-asvab-apparently-smart-enough-suicide-watch-battle-buddy/), or ASVAB, is a standardized test used by the U.S. military to assess aptitude for service and job placement. “The simple truth is that not enough young dummies are scoring poorly in areas like arithmetic reasoning, word knowledge, and mechanical comprehension,” Lyons said. “That presents a serious manpower challenge for an organization like ICE, which depends on those exact deficiencies.” According to the ICE Management and Administration Directorate, the number of applicants who completely bomb the test — a non-negotiable prerequisite for [ICE service](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) — has fallen to historic lows. “The number of young dipshits — our preferred demographic — who are [disqualified from military service](https://www.duffelblog.com/halfway-heroes-near-veterans-seek-recognition-for-almost-serving-in-military/) is becoming vanishingly small,” said Executive Associate Director Susan C. Dunbar. “It’s a real problem for us, since we are the preeminent federal agency staffed almost entirely by boneheads.” ICE officials say too many potential recruits are now scoring well enough to qualify for what the agency calls ‘[genius-level military jobs](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-incel-to-intel-recruiting-campaign/), relative to ICE.’ “Kids are taking jobs like [Army infantryman](https://www.duffelblog.com/historic-first-female-infantry-private-marries-male-stripper-in-killeen-tx/) or [Marine wall-licker](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-improve-cyber-skills-with-microchip-eating-contest/), which leaves the cupboard pretty bare for us,” said Dunbar. In response, ICE has begun exploring aggressive, [outside-the-box recruiting](https://www.duffelblog.com/recruiter-nervously-watching-economy/) solutions. “We’re developing a pre-course before the Enforcement Academy,” Lyons said. “Recruits will be trained on how to disable critical thinking, suppress pattern recognition, and confidently misunderstand basic facts. We’ll also cover how to embarrass the United States internationally and [drag down a sitting president’s approval rating.](https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2026/01/29/confidence-in-trump-dips-and-fewer-now-say-they-support-his-policies-and-plans/?ref=duffelblog.com)” These actions show that ICE is not taking things lying down, which is what [Alex Pretti](https://www.duffelblog.com/vet-t-shirt-company-releases-shall-be-infringed-line/) was doing when they shot him ten times. The agency is also rolling out a proposed ‘[racism waiver,](https://www.duffelblog.com/sergeant-described-peers-playfully-racist-actually-extremely-racist/)’ allowing applicants who score too well on the ASVAB to remain eligible if they can demonstrate sufficient ideological commitment to prejudice. “That was Miller’s idea,” Lyons said, referencing [Stephen Miller](https://www.duffelblog.com/stephen-miller-calls-ice-on-commissary-baggers-for-asking-him-to-tip/), [a level-150 racist](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/nov/14/stephen-miller-leaked-emails-white-nationalism-trump?ref=duffelblog.com) serving in the White House. Despite the challenges, ICE leadership remains optimistic. “We know that with enough grit and determination, we can still unlock this nation’s incompetence,” Dunbar said, moments before walking directly into a locked glass door. 🖊️ ***Cobra Commander** *’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.* ### Navy admits it’s been making up enlisted ranks this whole time URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-admits-it-been-making-up-enlisted-rank-this-whole-time-2/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T19:34:34.000Z WASHINGTON — At a press conference today, Adm. Daryl Caudle, Chief of Naval Operations, revealed that the [U.S. Navy’s enlisted ranks](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List%5Fof%5FUnited%5FStates%5FNavy%5Fenlisted%5Frates?ref=duffelblog.com) were, in fact, entirely made up. “Gotcha,” Caudle said. Flanked by grinning [senior Navy leaders](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-captain-whaling/), Caudle explained that the service’s bewildering enlisted hierarchy — long a source of confusion for the other branches — was actually a prank as old as the nation itself. An accompanying press release from the [Office of the Naval Historian](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-deploys-uss-constitution-to-strait-of-hormuz/) stated that the elaborate hoax dates back to Revolutionary-era tensions between Esek Hopkins, the Navy’s first commander, and Gen. George Washington, owing to the latter’s preeminence and nominal control over the Continental Navy. In a letter to his wife, Hopkins reportedly wrote: > *“Gen’l Washington is a pricke. He bears himself with such sanctimony one’d think the Almighty’d granted him command by thunderbolt. In truth, the man’s a pompous, overweening popinjay, and I’ll be damn’d if I heed the counsel of so preenin’ a fop — leastwise not one who sees the Navy as naught but his waterborne mule-train.”* According to historians, Hopkins devised the “improv’d ranke” system during a binge on plundered Bahamian rum with his crew. In notes from his logbook, he described with great pride the petty ruse played on “that right bastard with wood’n teeth and a disposition to match,” tricking the famously straight-laced Washington into inadvertently using the foul language of a common sailor. Of the Navy’s most basic enlisted rank, Hopkins wrote: > *“I’ll name ‘em Seamen, spelled right but soundin’ wrong — and next time the goode Virginian’s troops need their arses saved, he’ll be beggin’ me fer all semen he can get, with nary a clue he’d saved his boys, but made an arse of hisself. The joke’ll outlive us all.”* Hopkins further decreed that enlisted sailors would simply invent their own ranks as they saw fit, but present them “solemn as Sunday,” ensuring soldiers would assume any confusion stemmed from their own ignorance rather than Navy fuckery. As the prank evolved through the 19th century, limited standardization was introduced to better conceal the deceit, generally restricting ranks to a few capital letters followed by numbers that looked official enough from a distance. “My Labradoodle’s name is Mr. Gumballs and I was born in 2002,” explained MRG02 Bethany Evanchuk, [a public affairs](https://www.duffelblog.com/public-affairs-marine-capitalized/) E-3 taking photos at the press conference. “It just felt right.” Her supervisor, BBC69 Carissa Nowak, said such choices were common. “We usually just pick something we like,” she said, declining to explain hers. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Opinion: My 'come and take them' tattoo was about my rights, not guns URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-my-come-and-take-them-tattoo-was-about-my-rights-not-guns/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:24:17.000Z **Editor’s note: This is an opinion piece by Bradley K. Morrow, a Marine Corps veteran whose interests include security theory, gym culture, online patriotism, and constitutional law.** Since the [shooting of Alex Pretti](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing%5Fof%5FAlex%5FPretti?ref=duffelblog.com), I’ve been getting lots of questions about the “Come and Take Them” tattoo on my forearm, and I want to make something very clear: that tattoo is about my rights, not my guns. And though my font choice and the Spartan helmet next to it may seem intimidating, “[come and take them](https://www.duffelblog.com/court-takes-everything-from-man-with/)” is meant in more of a flirty, consensual, “I bet you won’t, you big strong government” kind of way. Even the ancient [Spartans](https://www.duffelblog.com/spartan-worshipping-marine-throws-defective-son-cliff/) would agree. In fact, the quote “Molon Labe” was famously said by Gerard Butler in the historically accurate documentary *300*, which was about fighting to [keep immigrants out](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) of your country. Not a rifle in sight. Have I posted stuff on social media about guns before? Yeah, but that’s unrelated. Is my Instagram profile pic of me [open-carrying an AR-15](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-drawing-up-plans-for-nation-wide-gun-confiscations/) in a Subway restaurant in 2021? Sure. But I was only doing that to show respect for law enforcement and my fellow citizens. In fact, if instead of turkey subs those sandwich artists had been serving up constitutionally protected dissent, I would’ve fully expected the [cops to shoot me](https://www.duffelblog.com/police-military/), and frankly I’d have understood. It’s obvious we have too many rights in this country, and I’m not even talking about the dumb ones like allowing women to vote. Just skim the [Bill of Rights sometime](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-reads-constitution-immediately-regrets-enlisting-to-defend-it/). Sure, freedom of speech *sounds* good — and I’m enjoying being able to call people gay retards at work again — but what if someone uses their [freedom of speech](https://www.duffelblog.com/fred-phelps-dies-westboro-baptist-church-plans-to-protest-funeral/) to say mean things about law enforcement? You’re telling me someone can call ICE officers the Gestapo without being violently arrested? That doesn’t sound like freedom to me, pal. [That sounds like woke.](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/) People aren’t even familiar with what their actual rights are anymore. [The Second Amendment](https://www.duffelblog.com/supreme-court-strikes-down-2nd-amendment/) literally says you have the right to bear arms unless you are interfering with law enforcement doing their jobs. And by “their jobs” I mean [pushing around random women and pepper-spraying them](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rThhm1-g1a8&ref=duffelblog.com) for saying the word ‘fascist.’ ICE officers have an incredibly hard job. All they hear is how no one respects them. And on top of that, they’re in constant danger arresting the worst of the worst criminals, plus anyone else they feel like at the time. Minneapolis is basically Fallujah right now. Do you know [how many ICE officers](https://www.pbump.net/o/ices-excuse-for-wearing-masks-has-never-actually-manifested/?ref=duffelblog.com) have been killed? I assume it’s not zero, because that would be awkward for my argument. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Vet T-shirt company releases ‘shall be infringed’ line URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/vet-t-shirt-company-releases-shall-be-infringed-line/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:55:43.000Z AUSTIN, Texas — Penetrating Lead, [a T-shirt company catering to the vetbro community](https://www.duffelblog.com/grunt-style-shirts/), has unveiled a new line of “Shall Be Infringed” shirts, sources confirmed today. The new shirts, which retail for $24.99 plus shipping, handling, and a [quiet erosion of principles](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-blasts-fbi-overreach-after/), feature illustrations of men kneeling and presenting their firearms beneath the phrase “Shall Be Infringed.” The apparel marks a departure from Penetrating Lead’s standard designs, which typically include no fewer than 37 American flags, rattlesnakes, or slogans such as “[COMMUNISM](https://www.duffelblog.com/communist-west-pointer-receives-lateral-commission-into-russian-ground-forces/) IS FOR PUSSIES” emblazoned across the back. Other popular designs read “I didn’t go to Harvard,[ I went to IRAQ](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraqi-freedom-reunion/),” as if there were any doubt the wearer didn't go to Harvard. “It’s important we stay current,” said Penetrating Lead CEO Jake “Pounder” Ponder. “Since our customers are true free thinking Americans — independent men whose political opinions are updated daily based [on whatever the president just said.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-affirms-support-for-troops-so-long-as-they-dont-get-captured-tortured-elected-senator-killed-b/) Other newly released shirts include such phrases as, “[Please take it, daddy](https://www.newsweek.com/kash-patel-sparks-fury-from-gun-rights-groups-over-alex-pretti-remarks-11415842?ref=duffelblog.com),” “Kick in my door, [kidnap my family](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/jan/21/ice-arrests-five-year-old-boy-minnesota?ref=duffelblog.com),” and “[Shoot here, masked officer](https://www.reddit.com/r/Minneapolis/comments/1qlyj9h/i%5Fdid%5Fmy%5Fbest%5Fto%5Fstabilize%5Fthe%5Fvideo%5Fyou%5Fcan/?ref=duffelblog.com),” each printed over a regulation-size bullseye. Many customers expressed excitement about the new line. “I used to support the [Second Amendment for white people](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing%5Fof%5FPhilando%5FCastile?ref=duffelblog.com), and, you know, the good ones,” said Herbert “[Pussy Magnet](https://www.duffelblog.com/in-wake-of-sex-scandals-air-force-dismantles-fleet-of-pussy-wagon-recruiting-vehicles/)” Johnson. “But now that the [federal government](https://www.duffelblog.com/fifth-estate-wikileaks-film/) — a trustworthy and never-abusive organization — says otherwise, I’m okay with that.” “I’ve been screaming for years about how the federal government was [going to come take our guns](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-drawing-up-plans-for-nation-wide-gun-confiscations/),” Cade “Blockade” Albert said. “But I was wrong. They’re going to tell us we can’t have them and I’ll be happy to hand mine over.” Penetrating Lead is also planning additional designs openly opposed to the Bill of Rights, including “I won’t use my freedom to speak,” “Choke me to death in prison,” and “If he didn’t want to be arrested, he shouldn’t have [been five years old](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/ice-deported-3-children-who-are-u-s-citizens-their-families-lawyers-say?ref=duffelblog.com),” which the company expects to be top sellers. At press time, [Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-attends-army-navy-game-in-full-pads/) was spotted wearing one of Penetrating Lead’s “I’m on my [knees for you, Mr. Policeman](https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-who-almost-joined-military-now-enjoying-career-as-ice-agent/)” shirts on the way to a botox appointment. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Chief’s ‘sea stories’ include at least 4 felonies URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/chiefs-sea-stories-include-at-least-4-felonies/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:23:45.000Z SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Navy Information Systems Technician Chief Toby “Tobasco” McElhenny has been in the Navy for over 14 years, and in that time has accumulated plenty of résumé-friendly accomplishments: meeting three former presidents, visiting six continents, mentoring [countless division officers](https://www.duffelblog.com/mustachioed-navy-officer-obsessed/), and being named [Sailor of the Year twice](https://www.duffelblog.com/corpsman-with-stellar-performance-record-great-tits-named-sailor-of-the-year/). But McElhenny rarely mentions any of that. Instead, the chief prefers to regale junior sailors with [port-call stories and sea tales](https://www.duffelblog.com/drunk-navy-seabee-liberty/) that routinely implicate him and several others in federal felonies and international crimes. “One time, we stuffed a J-girl in my buddy’s sea bag, kept her tucked away for about a month, and then dropped her off [in the Philippines](https://www.duffelblog.com/sailor-knocked-filipina-girlfriend-suddenly-anti-immigration/) with just a few pesos pinned to her collar,” McElhenny said, laughing while recalling one deployment. “Good times. Old-time Navy. Can’t do that now.” McElhenny was referring to a 2016 deployment to Seventh Fleet, a Pacific cruise that appears to implicate him in [human trafficking](https://www.duffelblog.com/sailor-who-missed-mandatory-training-becomes-drug-dealing-sex-trafficking-spy-for-russia/), kidnapping, aggravated assault, [and possibly murder](https://www.duffelblog.com/progress-transgender-marine-murders-straight-filipina-prostitute/). The woman’s age, condition, and continued existence remain unclear. Despite this, sailors frequently approach McElhenny to hear his colorful stories and “learn more about the Navy.” One junior sailor, IT3 Cameron Civilotti, said he enjoys listening to the chief but has questions about the accuracy of the tales. “[Prostitution is illegal](https://www.duffelblog.com/hagel-sharp-prostitution-ring/), so I really hope he’s joking about picking up hookers in Phuket,” Civilotti said. “And I *really* hope he was kidding when he said he accidentally ran over an old Greek woman in Souda Bay.” Civilotti’s naïveté appears to amuse McElhenny, who insists that all of his stories are completely true. Civilotti, however, remains unconvinced. “Chief cracks me up,” Civilotti said. “But if he did even half of what he talks about, I feel like I should call the police. [Or the U.N.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/united-nations-loves-the-taliban/) Civilotti added, frantically Googling on his phone, “Is it too late to report something to Interpol?” McElhenny maintains that his stories are verifiable but denies any wrongdoing, citing his multiple deployments and decorated service record as evidence of his moral character. “I’ve deployed nine times in 14 years, so sue me if I want a little butter on my buns when we pull into port,” McElhenny said while taking his daily dose of [Valtrex](https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/valacyclovir-oral-route/description/drg-20066635?ref=duffelblog.com). “I don’t think that makes me the bad guy for wanting a little fun while defending [freedom and democracy](https://www.duffelblog.com/experts-agree-the-sound-of-freedom/) around the world.” Civilotti said he is also disturbed by some of the less sensational stories McElhenny tells. “Chief Tobasco once walked me through how easy it is to [hack ATMs](https://www.justice.gov/usao-ndny/pr/six-men-indicted-connection-atm-jackpotting-conspiracy?ref=duffelblog.com) in Singapore,” Civilotti recalled. “Which I’m pretty sure is a serious cybercrime, but surely a senior enlisted member of the U.S. Navy wouldn’t [break the law](https://www.duffelblog.com/barracks-lawyer-passes-barracks-bar/) that casually. Right?” 🖊️ ***Gray Sea Liu** *is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass* ### Trump beats Danish prime minister to death with Nobel peace prize URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-beats-danish-prime-minister-to-death-with-nobel-peace-prize/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:08:03.000Z DAVOS, Switzerland — President [Donald Trump](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-adds-his-own-name-to-vietnam-memorial/) on Wednesday used his recently-acquired Nobel Peace Prize to bludgeon the prime minister of Denmark to death, sources confirmed today. The killing occurred during a highly contentious meeting over the fate of Greenland between dozens of world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, where the 79-year-old president reportedly lunged at [Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen](https://www.euronews.com/my-europe/2026/01/20/trump-doubles-down-on-greenland-annexation-as-europe-struggles-to-coordinate-a-response?ref=duffelblog.com) and struck her repeatedly with a framed Peace Prize Trump had received earlier as a gift from Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado. “I’m getting Greenland, one way or the other,” Trump said while delivering sustained and methodical blows, bloodying the award typically granted “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations” over the past year. Indeed, Trump has worked tirelessly since his inauguration to bring much of the world together by uniting them in [shared anger at the United States.](https://www.duffelblog.com/in-rare-bipartisan-moment-congress-funds-monument-to-all-the-allies-it-s-screwed-over/) “I’m done thinking [purely of peace](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2026/01/19/trump-letter-norway-nobel-peace-greenland/88251326007/?ref=duffelblog.com),” Trump added, momentarily pausing to wipe blood from the frame with his tie and checking his reflection in the shattered glass before continuing. The unprecedented murder of a world leader at the hands of another followed weeks of Trump threatening to use military force to take “complete and total control of Greenland.” According to White House sources, the president views ownership of the island as strategically essential, aesthetically pleasing, and extremely helpful in [distracting from the Epstein files.](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files/) "See? I promised I wouldn't use military force," Trump said as he caught his breath. "Tell Rubio that I just stopped another war. [Add it to the list](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c5y3599gx4qo?ref=duffelblog.com)." In the immediate aftermath, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent urged stunned European leaders to remain calm. “Sit back, take a deep breath, do not retaliate, [do not retaliate](https://www.theguardian.com/business/2026/jan/20/scott-bessent-europe-trump-greenland-tariff-us-wef-davos?ref=duffelblog.com),” Bessent said, while aides quietly removed shards of glass and wood fragments from the floor. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Paul Sharpe** **is also done thinking purely of peace.* [W.E. Linde](https://www.duffelblog.com/author/w-e-linde/) contributed reporting. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Saudi crown prince gifts Trump solid gold bone sawKingdom’s sharp diplomatic gesture cuts through red tape and flesh![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-318.png)Duffel BlogW.E. Linde![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/098A7CE5-C5DE-41B4-8C2D-4F52DE7B7632-1-1.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-crown-prince-gifts-trump-solid-gold-bone-saw/) [Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOMDoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-319.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/spox-2.webp)](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-prioritize-eucom-indopacom-africom-centcom-southcom-northcom/) [Trump gets Greenland in blockbuster three-way trade with SpainTrade deadline shocker shakes up NATO division standings![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-320.png)Duffel BlogGrumpy![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/6ee93dcc-3524-40ed-b185-9f600eca11a8_1200x800.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster/) [Top 10 countries Trump will send you to attack rather than release the Epstein filesWhite House sources say ‘bombing foreigners’ remains preferred transparency substitute![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-321.png)Duffel BlogKay Too Ess Ohhhhh![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/55025521421_08ed4666ae_k.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files/) [CENTCOM Commander can’t believe it’s not his problem for onceGeneral Joseph Votel, head of Central Command (CENTCOM), was reportedly “stunned” and “more than a little relieved” when the attempted coup in Turkey on Friday happened outside of his Area of Responsibility.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-323.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/images.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/centcom-cant-believe-not-problem/) ### Fuck! You left your I.D. Card in your computer URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fuck-you-left-your-i-d-card-in-your-computer/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T21:54:28.000Z FORT RILEY, Kan. — Fuck! You left your [stupid I.D. card](https://www.duffelblog.com/veteran-id-tracking-devices/) in your stupid computer. Experts confirm this will now cost you the rest of your day. You’ll have to walk all the way back upstairs to get the damned thing out of your office. Oh great, [there’s the XO](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-xo-attempting-to-stamp-out-misuse-of-word-literally/). Don’t make eye contact. You made eye contact with him. He asks you about the [Command and Staff](https://www.duffelblog.com/command-and-staff-students-excited/) brief and whether you have time to “just refactor” a few of the slides. You are now walking in the opposite direction of your [I.D. card.](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-spouse-genitals-now-cac/) He wants the metrics displayed in a slightly different way that no one will notice, but which will almost certainly take several hours to change. According to Outlook — which the Army forced you to install on your phone — this was the only 20 minutes you had to get lunch today, and it’s rapidly evaporating. Not that you were terribly excited about getting a small Subway sandwich with grilled chicken. [Height and weight](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-adds-basically-6-feet-height-option-to-apache-flight-physical/) is in a few weeks and you’re trying to drop the last few pounds because the Secretary of War has decided your personal BMI is a matter of national security. Good gravy, [now S-1](https://www.duffelblog.com/nobody-admin-cares-new-guy-ran-diary-recon/) is asking you about overdue OERs. Can’t you just get a sandwich? Can’t you just get one sandwich without the United States Army falling apart? You lie and say the [OERs](https://www.duffelblog.com/ncoer-facebook-bullet/) are “up at HQDA,” buying yourself a little time. A problem for later. You tell yourself that a lot. The food court line won’t be that bad. You can still make it back before the [training meeting.](https://www.duffelblog.com/operation-meeting-saved-round/) You’ll just have to drive a little faster than usual, which is fine, because consequences are theoretical. Wait. Why is the water buffalo in the company lot? [That water buffalo](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-garrison-admits-poison-supply/) is supposed to be at Range 7\. Why is it here? You ask Staff Sgt. Dylan Jones what’s going on. “Sir, we never got this water buffalo certified,” he reports. You remember, dimly, that water buffalos require certification. You ask what they’re doing for water at Range 7. “We filled up some water cans that said non-potable on them,” Staff Sgt. Jones says. “So the Joes are good.” Your eye starts to twitch. Staff Sgt. Jones, now apparently an expert in water buffalo certification, does not appear to know what “non-potable” means. You wish you hadn’t promised your wife you’d stop dipping. Also, it’s her birthday next week. Another problem for later. You drive like a madman to the PX and grab cases of bottled water for Range 7\. No personally owned vehicles on the range, so you’ll have to coordinate a JLTV or something. Your arms ache as you stand in line, questioning every decision you’ve ever made. The cashier asks for your I.D. card before you can pay. Fuck. You left your I.D. card in [your computer.](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-upgrades-computers-to-windows-95/) ***Cobra Commander** *’s company motto is “When you’re here, your family”. You can follow him on Twitter at @c0brcommand3r.* ### Senior service college initiates new curriculum in strategic gaslighting URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/senior-service-college-initiates-new-curriculum-in-strategic-gaslighting/ Last updated: 2026-01-19T13:00:20.000Z WASHINGTON — The Eisenhower School of National Security and Resource Strategy announced this week that it has launched a new course for senior leaders titled [Strategic Gaslighting](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/gMXLMBNpJP8?ref=duffelblog.com): Shaping Reality Through Passive-Aggressive Command Presence. The program is spearheaded by retired [Lt. Gen. Duane Gamble](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duane%5FGamble?ref=duffelblog.com), who first introduced himself by appearing unannounced in the middle of a [staff meeting](https://www.duffelblog.com/operation-meeting-saved-round/) about pending logistics failures, calmly walking to the front of the room, and declaring himself the department chair. No one recalls inviting him or even seeing him enter the building, but by the time the room stopped spinning, he had assigned mandatory reading and asserted the course had always existed. “If you don’t remember it, that’s a reflection of your lack of commitment,” Gamble said. “And possibly your unresolved trauma.” Students nodded, including several who had only shown up for free parking before watching the Nationals lose another baseball game. Described by organizers as a full-spectrum, cross-domain, multi-agency joint offensive against perception, the course teaches [future general officers](https://www.duffelblog.com/general-officer-summit-extended-for-k-pop-demon-hunter-singalong/) how to discredit subordinates, weaponize vague policies, and manipulate reality using little more [than command presence](https://www.duffelblog.com/commander-screams-first-sergeants-name-sex/) and a perfectly timed calendar invite. During one seminar, a naval officer stood up and said, “[I want the truth!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyU6P8qgaK0&ref=duffelblog.com)” Gamble leaned forward and replied, “Your job isn’t to know or tell the truth. It’s to absorb failure like a human sandbag made of misplaced trust and [ROTC delusion.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/rotc-commander-somehow-manages-not/) According to Gamble, strategic gaslighting dates back to the nation’s founding. “[George Washington](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYqfVE-fykk&ref=duffelblog.com) didn’t just cross the Delaware,” he said. “He convinced freezing soldiers that marching barefoot was character-building. That’s operational art.” The first module, ‘Weaponizing Plausible Deniability,’ opens with students writing down three things they’re proud of before burning the papers and chanting, “I never said that.” The module concludes with a peer review exercise in which students gaslight one another into [believing it’s 2016](https://www.duffelblog.com/2016-gop-presidential-hopefuls-strengthen-foreign-policy-credentials-watching-american-sniper/) and they’re still motivated. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Report: Venezuela strike ordered after Maduro ‘failed weight standards’ URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/venezuela-strike-tied-to-maduro-failing-weight-standards/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T17:50:50.000Z PALM BEACH, Fla. – Sources say the decision to launch a daring predawn [raid to capture Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cdred61epg4o?ref=duffelblog.com) was tied to something the Secretary of Defense holds near and dear to his heart: [height and weight standards.](https://www.duffelblog.com/weight-loss-guru-teaches-marines-how-to-quickly-make-weight/) “I am fucking tired of looking out across the globe and seeing [fat dictators and world leaders](https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5528556-hegseth-warrior-ethos-physical-fitness/?ref=duffelblog.com)!” Hegseth reportedly screamed during a meeting with several general officers. “It’s unbecoming. It’s unprofessional. Do presidents and prime ministers even know what a [comprehensive physical fitness plan](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-army-fitness-test-measures-how-much-pain-you-can-endure-over-20-years/) is? This is why the world is so goddamned unstable — a lack of standards!” At 6 feet, 2 inches, the 63-year-old Maduro recently tipped the scales at 220 pounds, according to classified intelligence reporting. While the Latin American strongman is not required to [meet U.S. Army standards](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-standardizes-thinking-outside-the-box-procedures/) — which cap a 74-inch male over 40 at 214 pounds — the discrepancy had become a fixation for Hegseth. “Two hundred and twenty fucking pounds!” Hegseth reportedly shouted after reviewing [CIA](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-destabilizes-china-by-sending-them-tylenol/) pattern-of-life reports and updated biometric data. “That’s not leadership. That’s a profile.” “I haven’t seen the secretary lose it like that since he saw a [Sikh chaplain in uniform](https://www.duffelblog.com/media-excited-to-report-sikh-temple-mass-shooter-was-in-military/)," said one Pentagon staffer. “Even after learning the chaplain was in regs, he just wandered off muttering, ‘Fucking Hajji [beardos](https://www.axios.com/2025/10/02/hegseths-military-beards-religious-health-concerns?ref=duffelblog.com)…’” Shortly after the meeting, Hegseth requested an audience with President Donald Trump and urged the commander in chief to green-light [Operation Absolute Resolve](https://www.duffelblog.com/5-reasons-this-war-for-oil-will-be-better-than-the-last-war-for-oil-and-the-one-before-that/) immediately. Witnesses say Hegseth was later observed watching the live drone feed during the [January 3, 2026 raid](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cia-venezuela/), smirking and repeatedly whispering, “FAFO, you fat fuck. FAFO…” According to senior defense officials, Hegseth’s push for world leader weight standards reportedly informed his support for the pardon of former Honduran president [Juan Orlando Hernández](https://thehill.com/opinion/lindseys-lens/5675203-trump-contradictory-drug-policy/?ref=duffelblog.com) after learning the convicted narco-trafficker had dropped significant weight and improved his run times while incarcerated. The secretary has also cited [Osama bin Laden’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/bin-ladens-body-tastes-awful-reports-barracuda/) decade-long evasion of capture in multiple briefings as proof that “low body fat equals high survivability,” a phrase several officers confirmed now appears on at least one [official PowerPoint slide](https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-accomplished-soldier-screws-up-power-point-slide-ends-war-afghanistan/). ***P.J. O’Leary** *is a ginger and a retired Army first sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Stand up comedy and satire writing help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown. He can be found on Instagram at @pjolearycomedy* ### Top 10 countries Trump will send you to attack rather than release the Epstein files URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T19:48:45.000Z WASHINGTON — The Trump administration [still hasn't released](https://www.ms.now/news/lawmakers-judge-massie-khanna-epstein-document-release?ref=duffelblog.com) all of the Epstein files as required by law, and is instead exploring more kinetic ways to distract public attention from this uncomfortable fact, sources confirmed today. “And we all know the best way to divert attention from domestic problems is to bomb people with funny-sounding names overseas,” said a senior White House official. “So we’ve put together a target list of countries with weak militaries, weird names — or both — that we can hit with our few remaining Tomahawks to make sure the Big Man’s name doesn’t pop up in compromising positions in the Epstein documents.” Duffel Blog obtained the target list for Operation PEDO PALADIN, a contingency plan officials say has been sitting in a desk drawer labeled ‘Break Glass If Accountability Appears.’ According to sources, the president doesn’t particularly care which country gets hit first, largely because he can’t find any of them on a map anyway. ### ~~Venezuela~~ This box is already checked. Still, despite months of joint force buildup around Puerto Rico, only Delta Force and the 160th SOAR got first crack at Venezuela’s strategic [reserve of big-booty Latinas](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/). There may yet be opportunities for you to die in a war for oil protecting [U.S. petroleum interests](https://www.politico.com/news/2026/01/03/trump-venezuela-oil-us-companies-return-00709782?ref=duffelblog.com). And to be clear, that “oil” refers to fossilized hydrocarbons — not the baby oil Epstein once recommended to [Diddy](https://www.duffelblog.com/freshly-acquitted-diddy-gives-your/) as the smoothest glide he’d ever felt. ### Greenland Sure, technically it belongs to Denmark. But aside from the dozens of Danish soldiers who [died alongside U.S. troops in Afghanistan and Iraq](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/crmjewpkje9o?ref=duffelblog.com), what have the Danes really done for us lately? [Stephen Miller](https://www.duffelblog.com/stephen-miller-calls-ice-on-commissary-baggers-for-asking-him-to-tip/) (from that special category of American military-age males who nevertheless somehow Perpetually Evaded the GWOT, or PEG), Marco Rubio (PEG), Don Jr. (PEG), and Eric Trump (also PEG) all agree [Greenland](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster/) is critical to U.S. national security, and if you have to die for it, that’s a sacrifice they are fully prepared to let you make. Be advised: Greenland, as part of Denmark, has access to the [most formidable fixed and scatterable obstacles](https://www.visitdenmark.com/denmark/things-do/design-art-architecture/lego?ref=duffelblog.com) known to humankind — which, according to a redacted memo from Epstein to Trump, also double as excellent field-expedient butt plugs. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/01/data-src-image-233441dc-b78e-406b-8db8-fd49d04f6bf3.jpeg) Denmark is reinforcing Greenland with the best defensive plan we've ever seen. ### Canada What, you think the Canucks can [threaten to cut off](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-establishes-strategic-porn-reserve/) America’s God-given right to watch porn and get away with it? Plus their refusal to pay exorbitant prices for shitty bourbon means Secretary of Defense and Also War [“Whiskey” Pete](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-blames-fog-of-undeclared-war-after-wrapping-car-around-tree/) Hegseth [lost access](https://www.cnn.com/2025/12/21/business/jim-beam-tariffs-pause-production?ref=duffelblog.com) to his favorite breakfast food. [OPLAN Crimson’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/northcom-assures-canada-new-oplan/) about to get real for you beady-eyed, flapping-headed puck-munchers. POTUS also needs to re-stock on Epstein’s recommended [anal lube](https://www.simplyrecipes.com/best-maple-syrup-canadian-chef-11860000?ref=duffelblog.com) anyway. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Nicolás Maduro to return in Avengers: Doomsday URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/nicolas-maduro-to-return-in-avengers-doomsday/ Last updated: 2026-05-06T20:46:02.000Z NEW YORK — Sources confirmed Friday that former Venezuelan “president” and overall [central-casting villain Nicolás Maduro](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-offers-maduro-pardon-for-three-kilos-of-cocaine/) will return in the forthcoming *Avengers: Doomsday* in 2026, despite his current predicament and lack of superpowers. “I’m seeing this as the story of the ultimate anti-hero,” said Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige. “We brought back Robert Downey Jr. in a way that technically makes sense if you don’t think about it too hard. This doesn’t feel like much of a stretch.” *Doomsday* directors Anthony and Joe Russo were careful not to spoil too much of the subplot surrounding Maduro’s escape from U.S. custody, though Joe Russo confirmed the character’s arc was driven less by geopolitics and more by vibes. “Sure, his regime was [tied to Hezbollah and Hamas](https://abcnews.go.com/International/maduro-ally-linked-hezbollah-hamas-charged-narco-terrorism/story?id=70914878&ref=duffelblog.com), engaged in narcotrafficking, and drove about a [quarter of the population](https://www.americasquarterly.org/article/the-future-of-venezuelas-diaspora/?ref=duffelblog.com) out of the country,” Russo said. “But that’s not really what the movie is about. This is about how it made him feel.” Russo added that Maduro’s kidnapping “gives him the emotional justification audiences crave when rooting for a villain.” Screenwriter Stephen McFeely said he was forced to scrap an early draft in which Maduro’s disappearance failed to meaningfully change [Venezuela’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) political trajectory. “If you think about it,” McFeely said, “a dictator is basically a movie director with a very wide landscape. Like [Peter Jackson in New Zealand](https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/15/world/asia/peter-jackson-new-zealand-wellington-mayor.html?ref=duffelblog.com), but with fewer elves and more food shortages. And *Tierra de Gracia* hasn’t had a good director since Hugo Chávez.” McFeely paused. “Wait — director, dictator — can we edit that out? Three, two, one. Venezuela must change dramatically or it undermines the emotional weight of Maduro’s return to power as a possible rival to Doom and eventual ruler of Latveria.” The Russo brothers confirmed the climactic third act will feature a confrontation between Doctor Doom and Maduro after the latter learns that the Red Skull [received a pardon.](https://www.duffelblog.com/pardoned-white-house-turkey-defects/) “Things take a turn for the worse,” McFeely said. “That’s when Maduro realizes the real villain was the extradition treaties we broke along the way.” Rumors also suggest *Doomsday* will feature an even larger villain revealed in the post-credits scene — a shadowy force that ignores all norms, rules, and basic decency, destabilizing the entire Marvel universe. “But that might be giving too much away,” Feige said, winking so hard several assistants flinched. Maduro, 63, was unavailable for comment at press time, though sources say his contract includes a solo Disney+ series titled Maduro: Endgame. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ****Tony** thinks Maduro is just one of the many villains we deserve. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Trump announces CIA op in Venezuela will go off without a hitch next weekPresident promises ‘best, most secret invasion ever — everybody knows it’![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-296.png)Duffel BlogRed Friday![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/DB-Story-Feature-Photo-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cia-venezuela/) [US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of ‘big booty Latinas’Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-297.png)Duffel BlogFat Ghenghis![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/Screenshot-2025-09-04-at-12.21.49---PM-1-4.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) [5 reasons this war for oil will be better than the last war for oil, and the one before thatAdministration says it has ‘learned valuable lessons’ and ‘stopped pretending’![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-298.png)Duffel BlogBull Winkle![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/9114431-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/5-reasons-this-war-for-oil-will-be-better-than-the-last-war-for-oil-and-the-one-before-that/) [NORTHCOM assures Canada new OPLAN Crimson just ‘fun thought experiment’“It’s just a fun little thought experiment for our planners to get some practice.”![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-299.png)Duffel BlogKay Too Ess Ohhhhh![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/79691276-e3d9-4991-9c81-c55d2f0ffe3d_3058x1720-2.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/northcom-assures-canada-new-oplan/) [Fans excited for final season of AfghanistanFans of Afghanistan, already America’s longest running drama, are excited for the premier of the final season of the conflict.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-300.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1635006304757-a02d75887177)](https://www.duffelblog.com/fans-excited-for-final-season-of-afghanistan/) ### Trump adds his own name to Vietnam memorial URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-adds-his-own-name-to-vietnam-memorial/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:57.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has added his own name to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, sources confirmed today. Panel 61E was [removed from the wall and replaced](https://www.cnn.com/2025/12/18/politics/trump-kennedy-center-name?ref=duffelblog.com) with a polished granite panel reading “TRUMP” in gold letters, making him the first living person to commemorate himself for a [war he did not fight in.](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/pentagon-congress/2019/02/27/trumps-lawyer-no-basis-for-presidents-medical-deferment-from-vietnam/?ref=duffelblog.com) “It’s important we honor my efforts in securing a deal with Vietnam,” Trump said during the unveiling ceremony. “I was going to tear this whole thing down until we made a deal. A great deal. Maybe the greatest deal ever. Nobody makes deals [like me](https://www.aol.com/every-trump-business-went-bankrupt-133407666.html?ref=duffelblog.com). Did these guys make trade deals? No. So what are we remembering here? Vietnam’s still there. Nothing to forget.” “[This is a boring](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/john-kelly-confirms-trump-privately-disparaged-us-service-members-vete-rcna118543?ref=duffelblog.com) hall of fame,” Trump continued. “But today [we add a great name](https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/trump-purple-heart-226565?ref=duffelblog.com). A really strong name. Not like these other names. Albert B. Christenson? Who the hell is that? They don’t even have a Bubba here. These are a lot of American-sounding names for Vietnamese people. I thought they were a bunch of Ho’s. At least the women are. Funny story about that. One time I had this banana—” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 5 reasons this war for oil will be better than the last war for oil, and the one before that URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/5-reasons-this-war-for-oil-will-be-better-than-the-last-war-for-oil-and-the-one-before-that/ Last updated: 2026-01-07T13:00:30.000Z Why can’t people just have fun with war? A bunch of wimpy asses are already whining that the U.S. is entering a “war for oil” in Venezuela that will end badly, just like Operations Desert Storm and Iraqi Freedom, which were total fun, by the way. The snivelers can suck it, though, because the Trump administration used GenAI.mil *and* Grok to get lessons from all our oil-based conflicts, going back to the Banana Wars of the 1920s, ensuring this latest incursion won’t devolve into another avoidable, trillion-dollar shitshow for the history books. This time — unlike all the other times — we’re really getting it right because: ### 1\. We’re great at occupying cities In previous oil wars, the U.S. had to relearn how to control populations from scratch. Now we’ve had nearly a year of [hands-on domestic rehearsal](https://www.duffelblog.com/hgtv-gardening-dc-guard/). Federal authorities have been patrolling American cities that may or may not have presented threats, providing [every badge-flashing agency](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters/) from the FBI to the Fish & Wildlife Service with valuable experience in dominating streets and [“winning hearts and minds,”](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) just like Los Angeles and Portland. We now know how to spot [criminals based on appearance](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kavanaugh%5Fstop?ref=duffelblog.com), [tackle protesters](https://www.npr.org/2025/10/13/nx-s1-5566785/ice-dhs-immigration-tactics-more-violent?ref=duffelblog.com) of all ages, and pepper spray people for dancing in frog costumes. If troops are needed in Caracas, the National Guard has become exceptionally proficient at street patrols, curfews, and spontaneous [urban landscaping.](https://www.duffelblog.com/hgtv-gardening-dc-guard/) ### 2\. We’re unburdened by annoying international support What did coalitions and international backing ever get us? Only legitimacy, burden-sharing, and force-multiplying capabilities. So this time we’re skipping that [woke elitist bullshit](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/) entirely. As President Donald Trump explained, Secretary of State Marco Rubio will personally run Venezuela, backed by a State Department streamlined after DOGE eliminated 3,000 experts and the entirety of USAID. Rubio speaks Spanish, and that’s all we really need. We are now a lean, mean, intervention machine. ### 3\. Mas cervezas por favor! That damn General Order No. 1 banning alcohol sucked every ounce of fun out of earlier wars. Real warriors know that a few mojitos dramatically increase lethality, or at least confidence. Administration officials are betting Secretary of Needless War [Pete “Happy Hour” Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-blames-fog-of-undeclared-war-after-wrapping-car-around-tree/) will rescind the booze ban, finally unleashing the judgment, tactical driving skills, and weapons expertise that only come from a bucket of iced-down Modelo Especials. ### 4\. Hot Latina chicks _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Trump offers Maduro pardon for three kilos of cocaine URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-offers-maduro-pardon-for-three-kilos-of-cocaine/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T17:50:27.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has offered to pardon [Venezuelan strongman Nicolás Maduro](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) in exchange for three kilos of cocaine, sources confirmed today. “Look, just gimme the good stuff,” Trump was overheard pleading with the former dictator behind closed doors. “I can make all of this go away if you hand it over. You saw what I did for Hernández. Total walk. Beautiful outcome.” The president was referring to former [Honduran President Juan Orlando Hernández](https://www.cnbc.com/2026/01/04/trump-venezuela-maduro-pardon-honduras.html?ref=duffelblog.com), who was imprisoned on cocaine trafficking charges and recently pardoned by Trump after what aides described as ‘a very persuasive vibes-based review of the case.’ “MADURO HAS A CHANCE TO BE A TOTAL G INSTEAD OF A LITTLE BITCH!” Trump posted on Truth Social earlier today. “HE’S GOT THE STUFF THAT BRINGS GIRLS WITH PERKY TITTIES. HAND OVER [THE BAM-BAM](https://www.duffelblog.com/ptsd-hooker-cocaine-treatment/) AND YOU CAN BE MY BOY! I GOT THE GUY FROM KISS. LET’S PARTY. [VANCE CAN’T COME](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-honor-jd-vance-by-bronzing/), HE KILLS THE VIBE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! DJT.” Sources close to the administration say Trump has ordered his schedule cleared from 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. nightly, asked whether the White House ballroom can hold “bitchin’ raves,” and requested that large, unmarked stacks of $100 bills be delivered to the residence. Meanwhile, [Secret Service agents](https://www.duffelblog.com/its-like-living-in-a-school-zone/) have reportedly heard “Cat Scratch Fever” playing on loop inside the Oval Office, while DoorDash drivers say they’ve noticed a sharp and deeply unsettling decline [in McDonald’s orders](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15430007/Trumps-jaw-dropping-McDonalds-order-goes-viral-amid-health-alarm.html?ref=duffelblog.com) from the White House. “Your facts are incorrect,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, responding to rumors that security made her wait in line at Mar-a-Lago while female Fox News hosts were waved inside. “There was some kind of mix-up. My name was on the list. No, I’m still—” Sources say Maduro was initially prepared to accept the deal, but negotiations collapsed after [Donald Trump Jr.](https://www.duffelblog.com/donald-trump-jrs-afghanistan-bounty-hunting-trip-draws-criticism/) informed his father of the current street value of three kilos of cocaine. Maduro reportedly countered with “a boatload” of cocaine, but the shipment was later [declared missing somewhere](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-strikes-narco-terrorist-sleigh-reindeer-off-venezuela-coast/) in the Caribbean. ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed in Veneuela.* ### Military websites undergo annual update to make them worse URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/military-websites-undergo-annual-update-to-make-them-worse/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:32:57.000Z FT. MEADE, Md. — Across the Department of Defense this week, functional military websites will be undergoing their annual update to make them worse, sources confirmed today. “Our websites and cyber infrastructure are at a point where they work and you can use them to do your job,” Lt. Gen. William J. Hartman, acting commander of [U.S. Cyber Command](https://www.duffelblog.com/cyber-commander-stands-up-task-force/), told reporters. “This cannot stand. I’ve directed all available resources to change this as soon as possible.” Planned improvements include broken links, images that don’t load, and outdated information. Officials are also hailing the implementation of groundbreaking [seven-factor authentication](https://www.duffelblog.com/general-nakasone-loses-sticky-note-with-cyber-command-master-password/) to verify that users are not only human but also actively weeping. “It may seem like a lot,” Hartman said, “But we must ensure that only authorized users are accessing our system to check the hours of the base gym.” Other updates include requiring a [thirty-seven character password](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-to-require-passwords-using-27-different-letters-minimum/) that must be changed every 21 days for a system that the average service member uses once a year. If the service member’s password expires, their account will be deleted and they will have to fill out nine access request forms signed in triplicate to regain access. “We’re working hard to make the [SIPR sites](https://www.duffelblog.com/pornhub-opens-first-sipr-website/) you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable,” Hartman said. “Rest assured you can spend hours trying to figure out the site layout and give up before finding any worthwhile information.” “We’re doing the best we can,” Jacob Ellis, the seven-year old hired to run the Pentagon's cyber infrastructure, said before adding: “I like the computer with the picture of the choo choo.” Ellis was given a popsicle for setting up a website that transfers credit card numbers over an unencrypted connection. At press time, Hartman confirmed that all systems were up. “But don’t worry,” he said, “The moment you need them they’ll crash.” 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Pentagon strikes 'narco-terrorist' sleigh, reindeer off Venezuela coast URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-strikes-narco-terrorist-sleigh-reindeer-off-venezuela-coast/ Last updated: 2025-12-25T13:00:56.000Z WASHINGTON — A U.S. drone-launched missile strike has eliminated a notorious flying ["narco-terrorist"](https://www.lawfaremedia.org/article/did-the-president-s-strike-on-tren-de-aragua-violate-the-law?ref=duffelblog.com) responsible for millions of annual home invasions dating back to the nineteenth century, sources confirmed today. Navy pilots assigned to Joint Task Force Hammer — and Everything Looks Like a Nail (JTFH-ELLN) positively identified the “narco kingpin” as he flew an unregistered aerial sleigh powered by eight reindeer, repeatedly violating [Venezuelan airspace](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) on the night of December 24 to 25, according to Tyler Dobey, spokesman for the Department of War on Anything the President Wants. The kingpin, aided by assistants described as “tiny, almost elfin,” was accused of forcing deadly narcotics disguised as wrapped packages into residences while occupants remained asleep. “After identifying the terrorist activity with the same rock-solid intelligence process we used to nail [WMDs in Iraq](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraq-war-hoax/), we blew that narco sled to smithereens with an airburst GBU-69,” said Dobey, who recently began shaving, noting that the munition is commonly used in counter-narcotics strikes and is designed to destroy vehicles or structures. “Turns out it works just as well on sleighs.” Dobey placed responsibility for the strike squarely on the sleigh’s operator for violating Venezuelan airspace that the administration closed in November. “The sleigh had no identification transponder, was actively avoiding detection, and was in the process of landing on a rooftop when we hit it,” Dobey said. “Classic holiday terrorism indicators. So [Merry Christmas](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-authorizes-war-on-christmas/), and you’re welcome to all the families we saved with this bold, legally flawless and morally uncomplicated strike.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/12/05871004-6ef2-4b0c-8cf7-c67051c5f1c1.png) A still image from the drone feed showing the moment after the strike, shared on Truth Social by President Trump. While boarding Air Force One for his annual trip to [Mount Crumpit](https://seuss.fandom.com/wiki/Mount%5FCrumpit?ref=duffelblog.com), President Donald Trump praised the operation. “We did the striking boom bomb thing on a red-suited terrorist, very suspicious guy, clearly a communist,” Trump said. “Some people are calling me by the beautiful name ‘Sleigh Slayer.’ Biden never stopped the guy. Biggest sleigh in the world, total boom. Now my guy Pete Hegseth can mount the antlers of eight tiny reindeer on his wall. Did you know he’s been [sober for ten whole minutes?](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-vows-to-implement-new-dont/) Tremendous.” Reached for comment outside the Pentagon Fitness Center after his third workout of the day, Defense Secretary [Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/) said he watched the strike by video feed before departing for one of the many Pentagon meetings that occur exclusively at night. “I’m proud of [the drone pilot](https://www.duffelblog.com/drone-pilot-to-receive-first-air-force-medal-of-honor-since-vietnam/) who shot down eight reindeer in flight,” Hegseth said. “That pilot — and I’m sure it was a guy — embodies the Warrior Ethos and is America’s first confirmed reindeer ace.” Defense officials acknowledged the possibility that the JTFH-ELLN commander ordered a second “double-tap” strike after video footage showed two green-suited assistants surviving the initial blast, clinging to the rails of the capsized sleigh. “The history of these terrorists shows they would not have stopped until every package was delivered,” said one official speaking on condition of anonymity. “With those green suits and jingle bells on their caps, they could have blended into the jungle or easily signaled for help.” Administration officials confirmed they are now closely monitoring the hamlet of Who-Ville [in northern Venezuela](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cia-venezuela/), where an entire village is believed to participate in narcotics distribution disguised as gift-giving rituals described in intelligence reports as “a psychedelic orgy of giddiness that is definitely [drug-fueled.](https://www.duffelblog.com/combat-veteran-re-enlists-to-fight-24-02-12/)” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Bull Winkle** **is a writer and certified phrenologist, and available to make your next wedding, birthday or unnecessary war super fun.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [CIA reveals Santa was killed in Cambodian airspace in 1971Recently declassified documents detail the top secret operation![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-236.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/b00160be-1464-44c6-91e0-a75a57095092_966x600.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-reveals-santa-was-killed-in-cambodian/) [Son Proudly Follows In Father’s, Grandfather’s Footsteps In Faking Military ServiceHe shared some of the stolen valor family secrets of faking military service.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-235.png)Duffel BlogG-Had![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/091312_stolen_valor_p1-3.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/son-proudly-follows-in-fathers-grandfathers-footsteps-in-faking-military-service/) [BREAKING: Your Christmas Leave Is CancelledSources confirmed on this joyous and wonderful Christmas morning that your much-earned leave block far, far away from the flag pole to spend time with your family has just been cancelled.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-237.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/60abb4a4-c117-4d1a-8836-fa07376cb71f_600x375.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-christmas-leave/) [The 12 Days of Extra DutyMerry Christmas, Boot. You got firewatch.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-238.png)Duffel BlogIronic Major![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/37a5e8fd-c774-4e46-97fc-a296989b275d_1000x670.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-12-days-of-extra-duty/) [Turn your access to classified information into a side hustle with these five stepsWhat could go wrong? This is easy money.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-239.png)Duffel BlogTask Force Football Bat![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/79fe4d95-0bd5-45a8-a8f2-03e641a9ccbc_600x375.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/turn-your-access-to-classified-information-into-a-side-hustle-with-these-five-steps/) ### Hegseth blames fog of war after wrapping car around tree URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-blames-fog-of-undeclared-war-after-wrapping-car-around-tree/ Last updated: 2025-12-23T19:20:10.000Z THE PENTAGON — [Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/) on Monday blamed a recent car accident on the "fog of war," marking the [second time the rare meteorological/metaphysical phenomenon](https://apnews.com/article/hegseth-trump-venezuela-540ae279827e02105e089f1bd5af37a6?ref=duffelblog.com) has intervened in his personal decision-making. Pentagon sources confirmed his McLaren GT was completely totaled, while Hegseth escaped with only minor scrapes — an outcome several officials attributed to the enduring spite of a vengeful God. “Yes, I know what I’ve said about my blood-alcohol level in the past,” Hegseth told the assembled press pool of MAGA bloggers and Turkish state propagandists. “But this time it really was the fog of war. Honest.” Members of Congress, suddenly remembering they are [constitutionally allowed to give a shit](https://apnews.com/article/congress-hegseth-boat-strikes-e68621ec48c7886215359c0110d6d9ca?ref=duffelblog.com), pressed Hegseth for details. A memo from the House Armed Services Committee asked how he managed to wrap a 2022 McLaren GT around a “perfectly innocent white oak” on a back road in Goodlettsville, Tennessee, near his family home. Several lawmakers questioned what exactly could have prevented the crash, with some openly wondering whether “fog” was simply a new operational term for [“blacked out.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/drunk-navy-seabee-liberty/) Senior enlisted leaders also voiced frustration. Sgt. Maj. Alexa Stork of the [323rd Military Intelligence Battalion](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-intelligence-excuses/) at Fort Meade said she was already busy enough warning junior soldiers about winter driving hazards. “Now I have to tell Private Joe Snuffy to beware of the fog of war, too? This is bullshit,” Stork said, noting that the Army had not yet updated its POV safety brief to include metaphysical combat conditions. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Most powerful military in history mobilized to arrest guy washing dishes URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/most-powerful-military-in-history-mobilized-to-arrest-guy-washing-dishes/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T15:42:44.000Z LONG BEACH, Calif. — The most powerful military in the history of the world was mobilized late last night to [apprehend Angel Garcia](https://www.duffelblog.com/dc-man-forgets-to-thank-guardsman/), a 29-year-old dishwasher at Porky’s BBQ Grill n’ Chill, sources confirmed today. The full might of the [National Guard](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-mobilized-to-pick/), I Marine Expeditionary Force, 82nd Airborne Division, and the Blue Angels precision flying team were placed on immediate alert. Three carrier strike groups were diverted to the SOCAL OPAREA. Strategic bombers were scrambled, and the Army Corps of Engineers erected both blast walls and a Green Beans Coffee kiosk for sustained operations. “I have officially raised the United States to DEFCON 2,” said President Donald Trump, a man unable to control his own country. “This Angel guy is the worst, believe me. Total menace. Maybe he’s even a real angel — who knows? We’re going to deport him to Heaven, probably. And look at these streets! I made these streets the cleanest. Cars, people walking — very dangerous.” P-8 Poseidon aircraft and satellite assets tracked Garcia as he left his construction job and headed to the restaurant for his evening shift. En route, officials claim he committed "at least 47" violent crimes, including breathing while brown and wearing steel-toe boots on public transit. When [SEAL Team 3](https://www.duffelblog.com/seal-team-6-designated-class-3-dental/) attempted to detain Garcia outside the walk-in freezer, he allegedly resisted with "superhuman resilience." The SEALs responded with an airstrike that vaporized a three-block radius and half of an Arby’s. “This was a textbook operation,” said Gen. Greg Guillot, commander of U.S. Northern Command. “We used twelve Tomahawk missiles, three B-52 runs, and experimental laser weapons to secure the target. I am proud to say this community is now safer, mostly because it no longer exists.” [Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem](https://www.duffelblog.com/devil-dog-tragically-killed-after/) defended the show of force. “He was in a gang so dangerous no one has ever heard of it. That’s how awful it was. Thousands of Americans are now lining the streets in gratitude — and also to apply for the three jobs Angel Garcia held simultaneously.” At press time, the 1st Armored Division was en route to Griffith Park to suppress a protest involving six elderly women and a therapy dog. ***RED Friday** *wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Defense Security Cooperation Agency replaced by Office of Cool Knives from the PX URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/defense-security-cooperation-agency-replaced-by-office-of-cool-knives-from-the-px/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T22:28:46.000Z FORT LEONARD WOOD, MO — Secretary of Defense and Also War Pete Hegseth announced today that all funding for the Defense Security Cooperation Agency will be reallocated to the newly formed Office of Cool Knives from the PX. “For too long, we’ve wasted taxpayer money on arming allies,” said Hegseth. “Now we’re investing in something that actually matters—like this butterfly knife with a skull and flames on it,” he said, speaking outside the U.S. Patriot Tactical store at the Fort Leonard Wood Main Exchange. Established in 1961, the DSCA was built on international partnerships and shared values. It supported long-term U.S. strategic goals by providing military aid to allied nations. “Extremely gay,” Hegseth declared. “Why help our friends when we can stab terrorists ourselves with these bad boys?” he added, performing a double-knife move he called “Side Swipe and Heaven’s Uppercut.” Sen. John Thune (R-S.D.) expressed mild concern: “This seems like a mistake… but I’m a senator, not a sorcerer,” he said, browsing tactical belts inside the PX’s Bermuda Triangle of wig stores. Pressed on the new office’s mission, Hegseth responded, “Check this out,” then produced a tomahawk from a Ziploc bag and began swiping it in the air. His intent was unclear. The shift had been telegraphed for months, ever since DSCA’s director was fired and replaced by a 21-year-old DOGE hire named Honk (no last name). “I’ve reviewed the budget and fully support Secretary Hegseth,” said Honk, before pulling out a knife-compass hybrid, cranking “Sure Shot” on his iPhone, and spinning around a podium. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Nation that doesn’t care about Russian war crimes also doesn’t care about American war crimes URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/nation-that-doesnt-care-about-russian-war-crimes-also-doesnt-care-about-american-war-crimes/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:20:09.000Z WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials from the National Security Council and State Department announced today that the United States of America not only does not care about the nauseating, ever-growing list of documented Russian atrocities in Ukraine, but also does not particularly care [about its own repeated violations](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2025/12/01/former-jags-say-hegseth-others-may-have-committed-war-crimes/?ref=duffelblog.com) of the laws and norms governing the use of force. “Consistency is important,” wrote Mike Waltz in a Signal chat that may not have been intended for Duffel Blog. “If we’re going to treat illegally invading a sovereign country, kidnapping and deporting children, raping entire villages, bombing maternity wards, and leveling cities as [something less than wholly unacceptable](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War%5Fcrimes%5Fin%5Fthe%5FRusso-Ukrainian%5Fwar%5F%282022%E2%80%93present%29?ref=duffelblog.com), then it would be hypocritical to suddenly get squeamish when we start blowing up random boats in a few oceans.” “We stand firmly against double standards,” added the former national security advisor who [somehow wasn’t fired](https://www.cnn.com/2025/05/01/politics/mike-waltz-national-security-adviser-depart?ref=duffelblog.com) and instead ended up as the United Nations ambassador. Policy experts said they were perplexed by the development. “It’s hard for me to believe that a country full of people who gave zero shits about multi-decade, [unwinnable wars in Iraq and Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/gwot-reenactors-gather-for-disconnected/) now suddenly give a proportional number of fucks about anything America — let alone a foreign power — does,” said James Needlethorne, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution. Vivian Thompson, a senior leader at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, offered a similar view. “My frail body can barely sustain the utter shock that a country unbothered by kindergarteners being murdered in their classrooms on a recurring basis is also okay with what Russia is doing to Ukraine, or with what its [own military is doing in the Western Hemisphere](https://www.justsecurity.org/120296/many-ways-caribbean-strike-unlawful/?ref=duffelblog.com),” Thompson said. She continued, “Let me be absolutely exhaustive in describing the staggering depth of my astonishment that the people of the United States — who re-elected a man who [attempted to overthrow the government](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/jan-6-panel-releases-final-report-alleges-trump-engaged-in-conspiracy-to-overturn-election?ref=duffelblog.com), who campaigned on moral outrage over immigrants [allegedly stealing and eating pets](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5llMaZ80ErY&ref=duffelblog.com), who once insisted the U.S. military [should target women and children](https://www.cnn.com/2015/12/02/politics/donald-trump-terrorists-families?ref=duffelblog.com), and who regularly pardons [war criminals](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/dec/23/trump-pardons-blackwater-contractors-jailed-for-massacre-of-iraq-civilians?ref=duffelblog.com) — are willing to overlook anything their military does day-to-day, as well as whatever our leaders are prepared to let Russia get away with.” “Where is my fainting couch?” she added. [Regular citizens also offered insight](https://archive.ph/1JGvr?ref=duffelblog.com) into the new policy. Jayce Miller, a manufacturing worker in western Pennsylvania who votes for free-market politicians but refuses to move to where the jobs are, described himself as “a single drop in the infinite well of American apathy and ignorance.” “Unless it tastes good or looks cool, I am completely out of fucks to give,” Miller said. “Even if you wanted me to be outraged about the moral injury of supporting a military that commits war crimes, or the grotesque American legitimization of Russia’s evisceration of the rules-based international order, I am simply incapable of understanding why I should care,” he added, before asking, “Can you move? I’m trying to watch the game.” At press time, officials confirmed the policy would remain in place until caring became politically useful, at which point they would immediately pretend they had always cared deeply. 🖊️ ***Task Force Football Bat** *isn’t worried at all.* ### Hegseth attends Army-Navy game in full pads URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-attends-army-navy-game-in-full-pads/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:57:54.000Z BALTIMORE, Md. — As soldiers and sailors around the world tuned in to watch the annual Army-Navy football game, senior military leaders packed the stands to be seen supporting the troops in public. Among them was Secretary of Defense (and also War) [Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-trumps-selection/), who arrived at the stadium wearing full football pads and cleats, ready to play. “The attention is great, but this game isn’t about me,” Hegseth told reporters while striding confidently toward midfield. “This is about taking a few snaps with the men — and other men — [I’m about to send to Venezuela](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/) for some reason.” While Cabinet secretaries are not typically seen dressed for contact sports, Hegseth has built a reputation for aggressively matching the vibe during official visits. Whether [donning a Ranger Regiment shirt](https://www.dvidshub.net/image/9091002/sd-participates-troop-pt-omaha-beach-meets-with-uk-and-french-counterparts-delivers-remarks-d-day-ceremonies?ref=duffelblog.com) while jogging alongside actual Army Rangers in Normandy or wearing full aircrew gear on a VIP flight, Hegseth has carefully cultivated an Instagram brand centered on extremely committed cosplay. “This is the kind of leader our warriors need and deserve,” said Pentagon Press Secretary Kingsley Williams. “Someone willing to dress like part of the team for a photo op, then immediately leave once it starts getting boring.” Though his appearance surprised both cadets and midshipmen, officials confirmed the secretary’s attire was part of a coordinated effort that began weeks before the game. “[He sent a Signal message saying](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/) he needed a uniform with extra-tight sleeves, every bicep band we had, and that we were about to missile-strike a boat off the coast of Panama,” said Army equipment manager Mike Stevens. “He also made us fly in the woman who did the makeup for *Friday Night Lights* to handle his hair, blush, and custom eye black.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Navy football unveils new uniforms honoring lisa Frank dolphins URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-football-unveils-new-uniforms-honoring-lisa-frank-dolphins/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:25:17.000Z ANNAPOLIS, Md. — In a college football landscape filled with traditions and rivalries, the [Army–Navy game](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-beats-army-pillow-fight/) exists in a category entirely its own. And when the biggest game of the year rolls around, both schools [feel obligated to go all out](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-pranks-army-game/) with new uniforms. That’s why Navy Football this week unveiled new multicolored uniforms paying tribute to the dolphin artwork of legendary artist Lisa Frank. “We wanted something people would instantly recognize as the most Navy thing they’ve ever seen,” said Marine Lt. Gen. Michael Borgschulte, superintendent of the Naval Academy. “Plus it has all the [colors from the crayon box](https://www.duffelblog.com/fda-authorizes-crayola-vaccine-for/), which, as a Marine, I fucking love.” The uniforms feature Lisa Frank’s signature “dancing dolphins” rendered in rainbow hues and circling a traditional Navy anchor. They’re paired with helmets sporting a poorly executed airbrushed design — a staple of [Navy football uniforms](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-navy-football-uniforms-honor/) over the last several seasons. While the look marks a departure from past uniforms honoring specific warfare communities, academy leadership is optimistic the change will be well received. “In the past, whenever we did Naval Aviation uniforms for a [*Top Gun* vibe](https://www.duffelblog.com/tom-cruise-top-gun-2/), the crowd kept chanting ‘Virgin Airlines,’ which is pretty hurtful,” Borgschulte said. “I’d like to see them even try to make fun of these bad boys.” Though Lisa Frank is best known for her vibrant designs and not for any association with military service, she is reportedly reclusive, awkward, and terrible to the people who work for her — traits widely shared by Naval Academy graduates. “Apparently [employees at Lisa Frank, Inc.](https://www.today.com/popculture/lisa-frank-now-rcna182482?ref=duffelblog.com) used to call it the ‘Rainbow Gulag,’” Borgschulte added. “Which is wild, since that’s been the unofficial nickname of the Naval Academy since its founding.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth says he supports contributions of ‘colored troops and broads’ URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-says-he-supports-contributions-of-colored-troops-and-broads/ Last updated: 2025-12-12T13:00:28.000Z WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth this week affirmed his commitment to a diverse and inclusive military, telling reporters that he supports and appreciates the achievements of “colored troops and broads” throughout military history. “[Doris Miller](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/navy-doris-miller-aircraft-carrier/?ref=duffelblog.com) did some real badass stuff during Pearl Harbor — I saw the movie,” Hegseth said. “People say he’s a hero. Not me, but people. Though I gotta say, a guy named Doris? That’s confusing. That’s why the Navy should've only gave him, like, [three-fifths](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-fifths%5FCompromise?ref=duffelblog.com) of a medal.” On the subject of women in uniform, Hegseth was equally enthusiastic. “Nurses are vital to the mission,” he said, while receiving a fresh chest tattoo of a [sonnenrad](https://www.adl.org/resources/hate-symbol/sonnenrad?ref=duffelblog.com) flanked by an eagle fighting a serpent. “But let’s be honest, ladies aren’t built for the [violent stuff like men are](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/pete-hegseths-former-sister-in-law-alleges-in-affidavit-he-was-abusive-to-second-wife?ref=duffelblog.com). They’re meant to provide comfort. I heard the Japanese used [comfort women](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/who-are-comfort-women-why-are-u-s-based-memorials-n997656?ref=duffelblog.com) to great effect during WWII. We should try that.” Critics have pointed out that Hegseth’s views might stem more from his own insecurities than science. Biologically, women cannot meet the standards that men can, according to his beliefs. And yet, several former and current female Army officers have earned Ranger tabs while Secretary Hegseth has not. “I wouldn’t call him a ‘tabless, whiny little bitch,’” said Kristen Griest, one of the first women to graduate Ranger School and now a West Point instructor. “But I do have a Ranger tab, and he doesn’t.” Shaye Haver, who graduated alongside Griest, added: “He’s welcome to talk about standards once he meets some.” Hegseth dismissed the critique. “I love women and I love minorities,” he insisted. “Lady Admiral Michelle Howard is like a twofer. Black and female. That’s great. Just… you know, Navy.” Later, while sipping whiskey to dull the sting of his new tattoo, Hegseth Googled Griest’s name. “Okay, fine,” Hegseth admitted after scrolling through her profile. “She might outrank me, outshoot me, and out-tab me. But I’ve got way more Fox News appearances.” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Gray Sea Liu** *is a former Naval Officer, current smart-ass.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/7505866d-0306-4fba-9140-44a7a181c665_1200x440.png) [Duffel Blog’s guide to Trump’s selection of Pete Hegseth as SECDEFHe was one of many candidates in the running. Here’s the full list.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-168.png)Duffel BlogDark Laughter![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/ead7e9b4-a03f-49b9-a6ad-84361a2086fe_1024x683.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-trumps-selection/) [Naval Academy summer program teaches kids how to be racist, tie knotsProgram blends soft skills, hard prejudice, and light tobacco use.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-164.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/968edae2-51d5-4d68-b791-d616dad91c39_999x665-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/naval-academy-summer-program-teaches/) [Pentagon releases list of approved racial and sexual epithetsNames and “zingers” questioning another service member’s sexual orientation are allowed immediately.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-165.png)Duffel BlogW.E. Linde![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/34c6e671-bbdd-4430-88fc-8c58a91e662b_1248x830-1.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-release-list-of-authorized/) [Master Sgt. beats discrimination charge by proving he hates everyone equallyArmy Master Sgt. Matthew Lowe made history today after clearing his name by claiming he hates everyone equally.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-166.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/9af8bf68-0992-46b0-bbc2-bfe324711204_1200x572.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/master-sgt-beats-discrimination-charge-by-proving-he-hates-everyone-equally/) [Divorced general thinks bases should be named after officers who understand loyaltyARLINGTON, Va.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-167.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/eb787bb5-327b-47b7-a8f4-60972bb05e81_360x180.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/divorced-general-thinks-bases-should-be-named-after-officers-who-understand-loyalty/) ### Hegseth disappointed sexual assault training only covers prevention URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-disappointed-sexual-assault-training-only-covers-prevention/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:56.000Z WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth expressed disappointment that his recent sexual assault training focused on prevention [rather than ‘practical application](https://apnews.com/article/hegseth-sex-assault-payment-trump-6674cc8cfee654c374725948e01ff666?ref=duffelblog.com),’ sources confirmed today. “He came in all excited, saying ‘I’m gonna learn [some new tricks,](https://archive.ph/E6EJq?ref=duffelblog.com#selection-683.2-683.251)’” said Janice Wellborne, former Sexual Assault and Prevention Response (SAPR) Coordinator. “He got upset when I said ‘Hell yeah bro’ is not an appropriate response. “He was disruptive during the presentation,” Wellborne continued, “Saying things like ‘Good luck trying to prevent this,’ while pointing towards his crotch, and ‘Bill O’Reilly told me if she’s asleep she can’t say no.’ When I said consent is a legal issue, he said ‘Not if she doesn’t call the cops.’” “Also, is anybody hiring?” she added, before pouring Fireball into her coffee. Army Col. John Adams, who was present at the training, also described Hegseth’s actions. “He was taking notes during the part about online harassment and burner phones. During one of the breaks an aide came running in to show him how to replace his SIM card. Then he showed me a picture of a second lieutenant and said ‘I’d get sexual on her ass-ment, bro.’ I asked him how his wife would feel about this and he said ‘It doesn’t matter if the man cheats.’” According to senior defense officials, the secretary left the training early to help set up the Pentagon’s monthly “Natty Ice Kegger, no Black chicks” party at Crystal City Restaurant. He spoke to reporters at the scene. “I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to deal with this woke shit,” Hegseth said. “I’ve got bombers striking [Yemen from the North at 1342 Zulu](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/man-known-for-poor-judgment-displays), so I’m not going to sit around and listen to someone tell me texting unsolicited dick pics is inappropriate office behavior. Why would anyone ask before sending a… You see, this is Marxist stuff the left uses to divide us. And if you’re going to ask why the women’s locker room and showers are closed for maintenance, I got a guy in there making sure there aren’t any hidden cameras. It might take him a while to find all seventeen that, uh, might be in there.” He then attempted to finger a woman mid-kegstand, whispering ‘I fought for your freedom’ before falling into the nacho table. At press time, Hegseth was reported to be ordering his aides to put [a mattress on his boat](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgUvwcU6P7I&ref=duffelblog.com), because ‘boats get bitches,’ according to an email he accidentally cc’d to the entire Joint Chiefs. 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) - [**Pete Hegseth thrown onto court at WNBA game**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/pete-hegseth-thrown-onto-court-at) - [**Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/dear-god-horror-struck-james-mattis) - [**Pentagon Study Finds Beards Directly Related To Combat Effectiveness**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/pentagon-study-finds-beards-directly-proportional-to-combat-effectiveness) - [**Troops save Pentagon over $900 trillion each year, according to performance reports**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/troops-save-pentagon-900-trillion-year-according-performance-reports) - [**Secret Service wary of Mattis having plan to kill everyone he meets at Trump Tower**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/mattis-trump-secretary-of-defense) ### Duffel Blog presents: 10 other things Admiral Bdley is solely responsible for URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blog-presents-10-other-things-admiral-bradley-is-solely-responsible-for/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:49:03.000Z THE PENTAGON— Navy Adm. Frank “Mitch” Bradley, head of U.S. Special Operations Command, [is facing public scrutiny](https://www.cnn.com/2025/12/04/politics/bradley-strikes-congress?ref=duffelblog.com) and possible criminal prosecution after accusations by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth that the admiral followed a direct order to kill survivors of a drone strike that he [himself definitely did not give.](https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/2025/11/28/hegseth-kill-them-all-survivors-boat-strike/?ref=duffelblog.com) “Bradley?” Hegseth said, when asked by Teen Vogue’s Pentagon correspondent. “Never heard of her.” Bradley oversaw a [Sept. 2 strike of a speedboat that maybe](https://www.npr.org/2025/12/02/nx-s1-5628308/trump-hegseth-boat-strikes?ref=duffelblog.com), definitely, or was possibly carrying fentanyl that may come to the United States via South America but definitely does not. Hegseth has offered Bradley his unconditional love and says he will support the admiral despite the fact that the great American patriot whose service has been tremendous is definitely lying when he says Hegseth gave a verbal order to “kill them all and let God sort them out,” even though Hegseth recently had that phrase tattooed on his lower back. Some legal scholars argue that launching a second missile to target wounded survivors is a blatant war crime. Hegseth, however, remains unmoved. “Seriously?” he asked reporters. “You people have nothing better to do than hound a patriotic admiral who used maybe-flawed-but-totally-understandable judgment in the fog of war — while I was literally in the head reading the Geneva Conventions to make sure we did everything by the book? Fine. I admit it. I committed a crime that night. I was smoking a Lucky Strike. You got me.” Hegseth insisted that Bradley did nothing wrong, but also that if anything wrong happened, it was entirely his fault and he will absolutely be held accountable — pending the news cycle. “Look,” Hegseth said. “If Admiral Bradley had done something wrong — which, to be clear, he didn’t — then he would have to answer for it. But he doesn’t. Yet whatever he didn’t do is still entirely his responsibility. And I promise you, he will be prosecuted to the full extent of tomorrow’s headlines.” But sources say the situation is worse than anyone imagined. Pentagon officials have identified ten additional catastrophes that can and therefore will be blamed on Bradley. ### 10) The OnlyFans charges on Hegseth’s credit card Hegseth told his wife it was Bradley’s doing after leaving his credit card info on a Post-it in the break room. “I always lose my personal card,” he said. “And you can’t use a government card for that stuff. They investigate.” ### 9) Reflective PT belts Real men PT in black clothes on dark streets after midnight on the night of a new moon. Maybe that’s not how SEALs do things, but in the Minnesota Army National Guard, there’s no time for namby and/or pamby. ### 8) Franklin the Turtle memes Bradley allegedly [posted the infamous “for your Christmas list” tweet](https://x.com/PeteHegseth/status/1995291042346852861?ref=duffelblog.com) from Hegseth’s phone while he stepped out of the SCIF. When reminded phones aren’t allowed in a SCIF, Hegseth replied, “I said *skiff*, like a boat. Where you’d be with an admiral. Doing boat stuff.” ### 7) Grunt Style. No explanation necessary. [Someone has to pay.](https://www.duffelblog.com/grunt-style-shirts/) ### 6) The really expensive ‘emergency’ paint job of the SECDEF's house. Bradley told Hegseth he “had a guy,” but when ICE deported all the guy’s guys, Bradley’s guy had to hire real workers, American workers. But it turns out that real American workers cost a lot more and do a lot less, [and it went way over budget. ](https://www.forbes.com/sites/antoniopequenoiv/2025/02/07/house-pete-hegseth-under-fire-from-dems-over-alleged-49000-emergency-paint-job-for-government-home/?ref=duffelblog.com) "He meant well, I’m sure,” Hegseth said. “I was just taking the best advice of a commander who almost always knows his business. Sometimes things just go wrong through no fault of mine whatsoever, though.” ### 5) The ice bucket challenge Bradley just wanted everyone else to suffer through cold water, [SEAL-style](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-horrified-that-local-man/). There's a TikTok, but you’ll have to find it yourself. ### 4) The McRib leaving again soon We don’t know how, but this one’s on him. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Accountability! DoD IG fired over Hegseth Signal-gate report URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T19:44:48.000Z WASHINGTON — After doing away with many of the disastrous [woke military policies](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/) of President “Sleepy” Joe Biden, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is bringing long-overdue accountability back to the Department of Defense. Case in point: Hegseth just fired the Inspector General who found he'd shared [highly classified information in a Signal chat and put American lives at risk](https://media.defense.gov/2025/Dec/04/2003834916/-1/-1/1/DODIG%5F2026%5F021.PDF?ref=duffelblog.com). That's right, deep state bureaucrats. It's a new era of real warrior justice, because the Hegseth hammer is coming down. The firing was part of “Operation Lethal Spartan Accountability,” a [Hegseth-led](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-female-service-members-treat-all-orders-as-lawful/) initiative to remove every remaining Pentagon official who still believes in radical, left-wing ideologies such as law, ethics, or the Geneva Conventions. “The woke era of oversight is over,” Hegseth said during a press conference at the Pentagon [attended by ace national security journalists](https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/simple-reason-latest-pentagon-press-204817420.html?ref=duffelblog.com) Matt Gaetz, Laura Loomer, and X user LibsRshit2000\. “In my Pentagon, the only transparency we need is on the bottom of a whiskey bottle.” And Pete isn’t satisfied with the termination of good-for-nothing so-called “inspectors." Especially those who think looking into fraud, waste, or abuse of top Pentagon officials is more important than investigating lethality. He’s also making sure that long-serving [Navy admirals are fired](https://newrepublic.com/post/203949/why-top-navy-admiral-holsey-resigned-hegseth-boat-strikes?ref=duffelblog.com) or [face the wrath of Congress](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/dec/02/us-admiral-to-brief-lawmakers-as-bipartisan-scrutiny-grows-over-boat-strike?ref=duffelblog.com) for following the orders of their superiors to commit war crimes. “That whole ‘just following orders’ excuse didn’t fly at Nuremberg, and it sure as hell won’t fly under me — especially when *I’m* the one giving the orders,” Hegseth said. When asked about potential violations of international law, Hegseth dismissed such concerns as ‘woke European nonsense invented by [the French](https://www.duffelblog.com/vladimierre-poutin-fbi-director/) and losers at The Hague.’ Wow, Pete really means business! At press time, the move for greater accountability was being applauded by a coalition of TikTok veteran influencers, including @TriggerDaddy69 and @RangerUpMyAss, who livestreamed their reactions during a [CrossFit workout.](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-hasnt-told-anyone-he-vapes/) ### Third-class petty officer promoted to first-class douchebag URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/third-class-petty-officer-promoted-to-first-class-douchebag/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:27:32.000Z NORFOLK, Va. — A former third-class [petty officer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31wvQz2eN6w&ref=duffelblog.com) whose primary qualification was being aggressively unhelpful capped off a 31-year [Navy career](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GW7TeAsMf8Y&ref=duffelblog.com) by somehow failing upward into the rank of captain in the supply corps. Universally described as a full-spectrum douche by everyone who served with him, Darrell Mathews consistently avoided accountability for infractions that would’ve ended most careers. Meanwhile, far more capable officers with real-world leadership and tactical skill were relieved for far less. Colleagues described Mathews as a human bullhorn whose career was a consistent skid mark across naval bureaucracy. His bullying tactics and chronic shaming of subordinates became legendary, whispered about in wardrooms worldwide. "He was like a magic 8-ball with a drinking problem," said Doug Wilson, who served with Mathews. "Loud, usually wrong, and always predicting a vague, unhelpful future." Perhaps even more puzzling was Mathews' acceptance and graduation from prestigious institutions including the U.S. Naval War College. Former classmates expressed bewilderment at how someone with his reputation managed to navigate these elite academic environments. "We all knew Darrell was the village jackass, but somehow he kept failing upward," said Donald McKenzie, a War College classmate. "It was like watching someone trip over the same rock for two years and call it a strategic maneuver." Despite reaching captain, his dereliction as a naval officer command apparently had limits. Mathews was consistently passed over for promotion to admiral. According to sources close to selection boards confirming that senior leadership deeply hated the guy, despite their inexplicable tolerance for his prior antics. The final straw reportedly came during a flag officer briefing, when Mathews interrupted a vice admiral to explain why ‘the real enemy is poor branding,’ prompting the room to go silent before someone finally told him to [shut the fuck up](https://www.facebook.com/reel/716434961151769). His packet was later found in a shred bin with 'ABSOLUTELY NOT' scrawled across it in Sharpie." Retired Rear Adm. Matt O’Sullivan, known for blunt assessments, said Mathews' "entire career could have been replaced by a pamphlet. A really thin, unhelpful pamphlet." The pervasive feeling among leadership was that Mathews' presence alone was toxic enough to warrant calling poison control. "[That man is so toxic, his DoD number should just be the 1-800 poison control hotline](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/18lldEGzRu0?ref=duffelblog.com),” said one former subordinate, Cmdr. Mike Thompson. The sentiment resonated with anyone within earshot of his booming obnoxious voice. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon recalls Hegseth to active duty for violating most of the UCMJ URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-recalls-hegseth-to-active-duty-for-violating-most-of-the-ucmj/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:48:24.000Z THE PENTAGON — Following newly established legal precedent, the Pentagon announced today it is recalling Secretary of Defense (and also War) Pete Hegseth to active duty to face charges of violating nearly the entire Uniform Code of Military Justice. “Secretary Hegseth has made accountability his watchword,” said General Counsel Earl Matthews. “And as he frequently reminds us in staff meetings, he is not above the law. So, based on overwhelming evidence that he has flouted the UCMJ in virtually every waking moment since he hit puberty, we are reinstating his prior rank of tabless bitch Major so he can be appropriately court-martialed.” The decision followed a legal precedent set last week when the Department [publicly condemned](https://apnews.com/article/pentagon-mark-kelly-troop-investigation-4882f76b05dcdfa3060c284c2c84dd12?ref=duffelblog.com) Sen. Mark Kelly (D-Ariz.), a retired Navy captain, for the radical act of suggesting that service members [should not follow illegal orders.](https://www.cnn.com/2025/11/19/politics/democratic-lawmakers-urge-troops-to-disobey-illegal-orders?ref=duffelblog.com) “Look, it’s not my place to say that the secretary’s belief that [‘orders are presumed to be lawful](https://x.com/deptofwar/status/1992999267967905905?s=61&t=f8jDDfbaJ5pNR%5FxKVTHMRQ&ref=duffelblog.com)’ didn’t exactly fly at Nuremberg,” said Matthews. “But if we're applying the UCMJ retroactively to veterans, it only makes sense to start with the guy live-tweeting war crimes.” Deputy General Counsel Charles Young confirmed that Hegseth’s service — from active duty to IRR to National Guard from 2003 to 2024 — was now fully open for legal review under the newly established Twitter Doctrine. “And we’re starting time now,” promised Young. “Technically we started about five seconds after the Department [announced an investigation](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/defense-department-investigation-sen-mark-kelly-rcna245675?ref=duffelblog.com) of Senator Kelly on Twitter — social media being, as everyone knows, where all ironclad legal proceedings begin." "The instant Hegseth tagged Kelly as one of the [Seditious Six](https://x.com/petehegseth/status/1993008532187148582?s=61&t=f8jDDfbaJ5pNR%5FxKVTHMRQ&ref=duffelblog.com), I was like ‘sure, let’s start with wrongful interference with an adverse administrative proceeding' (Article 131g). Maybe you’ve never imposed unlawful command influence via tweet, but then, you’re no Pete Hegseth.” Young rattled off a sampling of charges, noting they barely scratched the surface: “Those flight hours wasted cosplaying with [Top Gun](https://www.instagram.com/reel/DQA3ZVtjOy2/?igsh=NHY3aTFzejRkazNj&ref=duffelblog.com) and [Special Operations Forces](https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story%5Ffbid=pfbid0YPYnc5cyNGKMtJTjjb4zpUFsW5jXuU66aBCuCuHHYVqWBdeu6z6qSUPv5bxwZzDEl&id=100045117783236&ref=duffelblog.com), his [bloated security details](https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/2025/08/20/hegseth-security-detail/?ref=duffelblog.com), giving his [cabinet buddies military housing](https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2025/10/trump-officials-military-housing-stephen-miller/684748/?ref=duffelblog.com) — all slam dunk cases of wrongful disposition of military property (Article 108). [Texting war plans](https://www.npr.org/2025/04/22/nx-s1-5372348/signal-pete-hegseth-defense-department?ref=duffelblog.com) to his wife and a journalist over [compromised channels](https://www.theregister.com/2025/11/25/cisa%5Fspyware%5Fgangs/?ref=duffelblog.com)? That’s an easy failure to obey a regulation (Article 92), misbehavior before the enemy (Article 99), aiding the enemy (Article 103b), endangerment (Article 114), and offenses concerning government computers (Article 123). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth demands female service members treat all orders as lawful URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-female-service-members-treat-all-orders-as-lawful/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:50:19.000Z WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense and also War Pete Hegseth released a memo urging female service members to assume every order from a male superior is "[absolutely, unquestionably](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cze832dr2n0o?ref=duffelblog.com)" lawful, sources confirmed today. The memo, titled "Trust, Obey, NDA" and addressed to all "deployment 8’s and above," clarified that female troops do not have a right to question orders from male authority figures. “It is your sacred [duty to follow orders](https://www.cnn.com/2025/11/19/politics/democratic-lawmakers-urge-troops-to-disobey-illegal-orders?ref=duffelblog.com), even when they involve hotel room keycards, burner phones, or suspiciously specific swimsuit contests,” the memo read. “You are a warfighter, not a question-asker.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Study confirms best time to be in military was exactly 5 years before you joined URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/study-confirms-best-time-to-be-in-military-was-exactly-5-years-before-you-joined/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:58:43.000Z WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has confirmed what many service members have long feared: “You and your entire generation” indeed missed out on the best time to have served in the military, according to a massive 50-year longitudinal study conducted by retired E-7s with clipboards. According to the study, which sampled thousands of veterans, respondents gave several reasons why they had served at the best time and everything after they separated was inferior. “I served in the real Corps,” said Marine veteran Jude O’Farran, who served in the Marine Corps from 2014 to 2019\. “Back in my day, we were fighters and brothers. This DEI nonsense would have never flown in my Marine Corps! We solved diversity the right way — by hazing everyone equally.” “We also pulled out of the ‘Stan- like, how can you be a warrior without a war? That’s like being a glazier with no donuts or whatever,” O’Farran explained, while subtly showing off his right arm’s full sleeve tattoo of a [Marine private in dress blues kissing the Statue of Liberty (wearing pasties and a g-string) next to a rendering of a freshly-slain Osama Bin Laden. The sleeve also shows a tiger with diamond eyes, for some reason.](https://www.reddit.com/r/USMC/comments/9x6r02/what%5Fare%5Fthe%5Fdumbest%5Fandor%5Fgreatest%5Ftattoos%5Fyou/?ref=duffelblog.com) “We had ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ back then which meant I always had a back up plan if someone pissed me off,” said former Navy sailor Jordan Cheng (1993 to 2013) before quickly clarifying, “No, I was definitely not going to tell on someone else but you better believe I had that threat in my back pocket, just in case. I knew all the [Friends of Dorothy](https://www.mentalfloss.com/posts/friend-of-dorothy-meaning?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=While%20it's%20not%20always%20easy,up%20in%20the%20euphemistic%20phrase?)!” Cheng and her wife, also a veteran, now live on a small ranch in Oregon and raise [golden retrievers.](https://www.thepinknews.com/2024/01/29/what-is-a-golden-retriever-lesbian/?ref=duffelblog.com) _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon orders guard troops to return pay after judge rules DC mission ‘unlawful' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-orders-guard-troops-to-return-pay-after-judge-rules-dc-mission-unlawful/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:17:19.000Z WASHINGTON — In a stunning display of bureaucratic agility, the Department of Defense announced today that it would immediately begin recouping millions of dollars in pay and benefits from thousands of National Guard troops, following a federal court ruling that their month-long deployment to the nation’s capital was "unlawful." The [ruling](https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/20/us/politics/national-guard-washington-dc-trump.html?ref=duffelblog.com), handed down by U.S. District Judge Jia Cobb on Thursday, found that the deployment of over 2,000 troops to Washington, D.C. in August 2025 exceeded statutory authority. While legal scholars debate the constitutional implications of the decision, officials at the Defense Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) have reached a much simpler conclusion: If the mission was illegal, the timesheets are fake. "It’s a matter of simple arithmetic," DFAS spokesperson Janet 'The Claw' Harkin said while sharpening a red pencil. "Federal law states that soldiers are paid for 'lawful military service.' Judge Cobb ruled this service was unlawful. Therefore, these soldiers were not, legally speaking, 'serving.' They were essentially just 2,000 heavily-armed tourists engaging in unauthorized cosplay on the National Mall. And the government doesn't pay for vacations." The recoupment effort, dubbed "Operation Indian Giver," aims to claw back base pay, housing allowances, and the $3.50 per day incidental rate paid to troops who have spent the last three months patrolling D.C. streets, taking selfies, and engaging in what [court documents described as "beautification activities."](https://www.duffelblog.com/hgtv-gardening-dc-guard/) According to a memo leaked to *Duffel Blog*, the Pentagon has reclassified the operation from "Civil Disturbance Mission" to "Large Group Loitering Event (Armed)." As a result, all issued paychecks have been retroactively designated as "interest-free loans," which are now due immediately along with a 15% "convenience fee" for the inconvenience of having to ask for them back. "I don't understand," said Spc. Tanner Higgins, a member of the Ohio National Guard currently stationed outside a Potbelly Sandwich Shop near the White House. "I've been sleeping on a cot in a parking garage since August. I missed my daughter's birthday. I bought a 2026 Dodge Charger with a 29% APR based on this income. Now they’re telling me I was actually just 'volunteering'?" "Technically, you weren't volunteering," corrected Maj. Gen. William Walker (Ret.), a consultant brought in to explain the legal nuances to angry E-4s. "Volunteers are authorized. You were participants in an 'illegitimate executive adventure.' Think of it less like a deployment and more like you were an accomplice to a very long, very boring crime. We should honestly be charging you for the MREs." The situation is particularly dire for troops who were deployed from out of state. Judge Cobb’s ruling noted that the use of non-D.C. Guard units violated the Home Rule Act because the Mayor never requested them. DFAS has seized on this detail to deny all travel reimbursements. "Since the Mayor didn't ask for you, and the President legally couldn't ask for you, you essentially drove a Humvee from Kentucky to D.C. for personal reasons," Harkin explained. "We are deducting the cost of fuel, wear and tear on the vehicle, and the EZ-Pass tolls you skipped. Also, you’re all being charged for unauthorized use of government property (the uniform)." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Saudi crown prince gifts Trump solid gold bone saw URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-crown-prince-gifts-trump-solid-gold-bone-saw/ Last updated: 2025-11-21T13:00:14.000Z WASHINGTON — During a joint press conference where the United States and Saudi Arabia celebrated their shared values of [exchanging obscene amounts of money](https://apnews.com/article/trump-saudi-crown-prince-mbs-505b32527e58d4bd49d5bc917efb4936?ref=duffelblog.com), Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman presented a dazzling golden bone saw to President Donald Trump. “This humble token of our friendship epitomizes what makes our relationship so special,” said bin Salman. “The bone saw symbolizes that no obstacle which our nations face is so great it can’t be viciously torn apart with the right tools.” “This is amazing,” Trump said, drool slipping down his chin as he ogled the high-quality gold. “You know what? I’m going to give you some F-35s, with the employee discount.” The jovial atmosphere of the press conference was then momentarily interrupted when Trump cut his hand after grabbing the sharp end of the instrument, having never actually handled such a tool. Prior to this meeting, sources indicated that Saudi officials had worried that they might not be able to come up with the perfect “something special” for the famously gift-loving president. “Frankly, there’s been a lot of competition in terms of greasing the White House’s palm,” complained one Saudi official. “It’s hard to compete [with all these other nations giving planes and golden crowns to Trump](https://www.cnn.com/politics/gift-tracker-trump-foreign-leaders-vis?ref=duffelblog.com). But this saw comes from the heart. And probably goes through it. It's really quite special, you know? Something that says, “this is worth a *lot* of money.” The saw, crafted with a hand-carved handle of lapis lazuli, diamond-coated teeth, and an inscription that reads "Keep cutting deals, Mr. President," is capable of “slicing through the most persistent of problems,” said bin Salman, “regardless of who…I mean…what they are.” “*Anything,*” the prince repeated, eyeing the media pool. One reporter seemed to take issue with the saw, and asked Trump about a U.S. intelligence report that placed culpability for [the death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s death](https://www.cnn.com/2025/11/18/politics/khashoggi-murder-trump-bin-saudi-crown-prince?ref=duffelblog.com) directly on the highest levels of the Saudi government. “That’s fake news,” said Trump. “But look at this craftsmanship. It's a beautiful bone saw. Solid gold! And you can’t trust the president who was in charge when the intel losers made that assessment. There are two sides to every story, and things happen.” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ****W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch)** writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer, podcaster. Also likes to talk about [books](https://www.youtube.com/@D3Reads?ref=duffelblog.com) on YouTube. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Saudi Arabia beheads first female robot citizenThe number of robot citizens in Saudi Arabia was reduced back to zero today after Sophia Robot was beheaded in a public square in Riyadh.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-147.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/Sophia_Robot_Web_Summit_Flickr_FB.webp)](https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-arabia-beheads-first-female-robot-citizen/) [Saudi King marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’“Sure, we didn’t expect them to return, but I knew some of them quite well.”![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-148.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/52d4207a-4f54-4c22-8d56-8123e6f3f39a_515x452.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-king-marks-911-anniversary/) [Trump calls for Constitutional ban on Gold Star families talking about himJust one week after a Muslim-American Gold Star family criticized him at the Democratic National Convention, Donald Trump called for a constitutional amendment that would ban families who have lost a child to combat from talking about him.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-149.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/3c1beaf1-b16d-401d-9d82-578db50e7695_900x563.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-khan-constitution/) [Hegseth announces Pentagon will stop fighting wars, focus on lethalityDepartment of Defense to rebrand as Also War Department![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-150.png)Duffel BlogDark Laughter![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/2DC1DB3F-04D6-4985-AA2F-1854D88803F1-1.png)](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/) [Trump orders Pentagon to conduct military parade and make North Korea pay for itTrump has ordered planning a massive military parade to be held in downtown Washington, which he promised he would make North Korea pay for![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-151.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/0940_-_Nordkorea_2015_-_Pjo--ngjang_-_Parade_zum_75._JT_der_Arbeiterpartei_-22976923725-.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-military-parade/) ### Guy who almost joined military now enjoying career as ICE agent URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-who-almost-joined-military-now-enjoying-career-as-ice-agent/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:53:55.000Z CHICAGO — When asked why he never joined the military, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mike Ralston always has a new story ready. “First, it was because of my girlfriend at the time. Then I thought about going to college. Then Pete Hegseth said it was too woke, and he was on [FOX News](https://www.duffelblog.com/fox-news-viewer-faces-dilemma-white-policeman-shoots-unarmed-black-soldier/) last year, so he would know. Then I heard you had to get up before noon. So I waited. Then one day, I just realized I could serve my country right here at home. No basic training, no drill sergeant, no sand. Just service.” Now 33, Ralston kicks down doors across Chicago as part of President Donald Trump’s “Operation Midway Blitz,” a mass deportation effort that’s netted hundreds of immigrants and [a handful of U.S. citizens](https://www.propublica.org/article/immigration-dhs-american-citizens-arrested-detained-against-will?ref=duffelblog.com). He calls it his “second chance at patriotism.” “I always wanted to do something that mattered,” Ralston said, pulling on a pair of tactical gloves outside an ICE field office. “Now I finally get to wear the uniform, carry a gun I had no idea how to handle like a month ago, and [handcuff brown children naked in the street](https://www.newsweek.com/ice-agents-dragged-naked-children-out-homes-chicago-raid-10823150?ref=duffelblog.com). I could think of nothing more American.” Those close to Ralston say he talks about the military more than most people who actually served. His Facebook page is filled with [American flags, Bible verses](https://www.duffelblog.com/patriotic-soldier-loves-america-so/), and photos of himself holding large fish. His Instagram profile picture shows him standing in front of a black-and-white flag with a blue stripe through it, captioned, *“Some of us still stand for something.”* Before ICE, Ralston spent four years as a “bouncer” at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Joliet, where he lived with his mom and “was seriously thinking about enlisting.” “He wore combat boots to work, and for whatever reason, tucked his pants into them,” a coworker who wished to remain anonymous told reporters. “He’s kicked in every door here, which you think would be a fireable offense, but this is Buffalo Wild Wings, we’ve seen worse after Bears games.” Ralston never did enlist. Instead, he got certified through an online law enforcement course that came with [a free T-shirt](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) and started applying to federal jobs that “required courage but not cardio.” “Being an agent gives me purpose,” he said. “It’s like deployment, but the people speak English. Which was a big issue for me, because I struggle with that enough as it be hence thereforth.” Ralston’s supervisor described him as “motivated” but admitted he tends to “overcompensate.” “He is the exact kind of candidate we are currently recruiting,” Agent Rick Johnson said. “A true patriot, serving the law, while willingly ignoring it. Stevie Wonder couldn’t serve justice this blind, which makes me wonder, is Stevie Wonder documented?” On raids, Ralston says he is usually the “first out of the van.” He calls the moment before an arrest “zero hour,” and even narrates everything into his body camera like he’s in a documentary. “Civilians don’t get it,” he said. “We’re out here on the front lines, protecting the homeland. Sure, the targets might have kids and jobs and documentation showing they are actual citizens, but that’s just part of the fog of war, as my hero [Eddie Gallagher](https://www.duffelblog.com/this-memorial-day-eddie-gallagher/) would probably say.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Trump blows cover on Venezuela op, crushes SEALs’ dreams of book deals URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-blows-cover-on-venezuela-op-crushes-seals-dreams-of-book-deals/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T17:51:42.000Z NAVAL AMPHIBIOUS BASE CORONADO — President Donald Trump’s surprise disclosure of a pending covert operation in Venezuela has devastated the Navy SEAL community — not because of the mission’s compromise, but because it torpedoed their lucrative plans to write tell-all books about it. “Killing narcos is cool,” said Kyle, a SEAL who declined to share his last name because of OPSEC and pending trademark litigation on his book title. “But now we can’t kill it on Amazon because the commander-in-chief dropped spoilers.” Kyle explained that SEALs follow a time-honored tradition of publishing books after classified operations, when the allure of thrilling detail has been known to override security concerns. “We follow a simple formula,” Kyle said in between bench presses. “Get a ghost writer, talk about laser sights and night vision, throw in some angst about strain, and change the names to keep the security dorks off your back.” But the president’s public announcement removes the crucial element of the “secret squirrel” aspect that opens publishing doors, Kyle explained. “The mystique angle is crucial to a book deal,” said Steve, another SEAL. “Nobody wants to read a book about an op that already got blasted out on their grandmother’s fucking Facebook page,” he said in between shoulder presses. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon says US has ‘turned a corner’ in war on America URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-says-us-has-turned-a-corner-in-war-on-america/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:54:37.000Z WASHINGTON — Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell declared today that the U.S. military is “achieving irreversible momentum” in the War on America, citing improved kill-to-loot ratios and a steady uptick in PowerPoint slide animations. Standing outside the National Guard Memorial Museum flanked by uniformed soldiers from the Army and Air Guard, Parnell praised recent gains in “domestic theaters of operation,” including Portland, Memphis, San Francisco, and Los Angeles. “We’re seeing continuous and irreversible progress in these contested zones,” said Parnell. “Enemy combatants — primarily liberals, immigrants, and persons not in the immediate blast radius of Toby Keith — are withdrawing or blending back into the civilian population.” Parnell highlighted Regional Domestic Command-West’s success in the Portland sector, noting that key missions have transitioned to local forces — specifically, Oregon state police and loosely affiliated militia groups operating under the supervision of Army National Guard Special Forces advisors. “19th \[Special Forces\] Group is shifting to a TA3E posture — train, advise, assist, accompany, and enable,” Parnell said. “In practical terms, that means we’re giving Americans the tools to fight other Americans, more Americanly.” Some skeptics say otherwise. “This is typical Pentagon weasel wording,” said Jeremiah Cotts, editor of the Canada-based Unflinching Patriot, an underground independent news outlet and podcast. “They continue to play shell games with the numbers and restrict access to the free press. The big beautiful bottom line is they have no exit strategy. This whole thing has become a quagmire.” Cotts pointed to reported victories by the totally not a real organization Antifa in areas where the National Guard is said to control the terrain. “19th Group is stepping back alright,” Cott said, “They’re getting out. They don’t have the numbers. I mean, they barely had them before, but the 2025 Razor Purge gutted retention!” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Stephen Miller calls ICE on commissary baggers for asking him to tip URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/stephen-miller-calls-ice-on-commissary-baggers-for-asking-him-to-tip/ Last updated: 2026-03-08T19:32:39.000Z WASHINGTON — White House advisor Stephen Miller reportedly [called Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE)](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/) on commissary baggers after being asked for a tip, witnesses confirmed Monday. “He was just [bragging about base privileges](https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2025/10/trump-officials-military-housing-stephen-miller/684748/?ref=duffelblog.com) — tax-free groceries, forced neighborly smiles, that kind of thing,” said commissary manager John Willingstone. “But then a bagger asked for a dollar, and he lost his mind.” Willingstone added: “He screamed that tipping was socialism and threw a can of creamed corn at the nearest enlisted kid.” Security footage shows Miller berating a group of elderly Filipino baggers after they loaded his trunk with groceries. Minutes later, a black SUV screeched up to the curb and [armed ICE agents stormed the building](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters/), zip-tying anyone holding plastic bags or wearing boots. Meanwhile, a second group of ICE agents fast-roped from a hovering Black Hawk and flash-banged the produce section. “They were all Filipino, and if they were working for tips they didn’t have real jobs,” Miller said when asked for comment. “They are suspected [members of this mafia](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-tagalog-to-phase-out-english-as-official-language/) I keep hearing about. We need to get them out of the country. Yes, it is unfortunate that two 60-year-old women tried to resist arrest, but our agents had no choice but to shoot them in the back more than a dozen times.” Multiple Hispanic, Asian, Black, and Native American service members inside the commissary were also detained “just in case," Miller said, denying any racial motivations while claiming that questions about his actions were antisemitic. “With these people gone, imagine the wait times at sick call, or the traffic at the gates in the morning. The wait times will be just as long for no reason...” said Miller stopping his speech and staring straight ahead for several seconds. Base medical staff say Miller may be experiencing the long-term effects of a [circumcision-related head injury](https://www.factcheck.org/2025/10/rfk-jr-s-inaccurate-claims-about-tylenol-circumcision-and-autism/?ref=duffelblog.com), though no one can confirm who performed the operation or why it was done with gardening shears. Miller was last seen at a base housing key party, reportedly seated in the cuck chair. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/star-div.png) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/10/Sunday-divider-Story-roundup--3--1.png) [Navy kicks off ‘Incel to Intel’ recruiting campaignThe service’s novel approach is to recruit technologically adept virgins into the intelligence community.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-118.png)Duffel BlogGray Sea Liu![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/a1011b80-5e5f-4705-b30f-c41521ec8fb1_1200x800.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-incel-to-intel-recruiting-campaign/) [Navy: Tagalog To Phase Out English As Official LanguageThe United States Navy will change its standard operating language from English to Tagalog to account for the ever-growing Filipino majority.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-117.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/photo-1655870975779-110676c5a90f.jpeg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-tagalog-to-phase-out-english-as-official-language/) [Navy says lava field near base housing area may be unsafeIt’s still better than contaminated drinking water, amirite?![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-119.png)Duffel BlogW.E. Linde![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/aa71b2d4-7ab0-4db2-af17-483f3b7dd315_840x600.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/report-on-base-enlisted-lava-fields/) [Trump proposes cutting housing allowance for troops with unattractive spousesPresident Donald Trump is proposing a controversial plan that would cut the military’s basic allowance for housing for troops married to unattractive spouses, Duffel Blog has learned.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-120.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/b4279df0-8456-4cb8-b6c3-3e5c1a4e831b_750x430.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cuts-bah-for-unattractive-spouses/) [Pacific Fleet Claims Garbage Island As US TerritoryGarbage Island is located in a convergence zone of the North Pacific Gyre.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-121.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/c868a80b-db26-4613-985c-e10a9226a063_660x400.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-navy-garbage-island/) ### True patriot: Hegseth maintains BAC of .1776 at all times URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/true-patriot-hegseth-maintains-bac-of-1776-at-all-times/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:37:44.000Z WASHINGTON — A spokesman for the Pentagon has revealed that in addition to being very handsome and good at pull-ups, Secretary of Defense and Also War Pete Hegseth is absolutely hammered at all times. Sources say Hegseth, ever [the dedicated patriot](https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5595374-hegseth-waltz-signalgate-joke/?ref=duffelblog.com), maintains a steady blood alcohol content of exactly .1776 in honor of the nation’s founding and also because the [cumulative hangover would literally kill him.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fP7NkXh7HbA&ref=duffelblog.com) “The Honorable Mr. Hegseth performs a breathalyzer test every morning,” confirmed Pentagon staffer and former Navy DAPA program lead, Nearest Green. “He does this so he can see his kids, [drive his car](https://www.smartstartinc.com/?ref=duffelblog.com), and most importantly, lead our Department of War.” Although Hegseth takes a daily breathalyzer, Green noted that there is no required result he needs to achieve. It is his devotion to duty that leads him to strive for .1776 each day. “People say he’s a blathering drunk,” Green said. “But would a drunk voluntarily take a breathalyzer? Every day? Without it being wired to his truck ignition or [his office door knob](https://people.ece.cornell.edu/land/courses/ece4760/FinalProjects/s2005/db97%20jlc224/db97%20jlc224%20webpage%20revised/High%5FLevel%5FDesign.htm?ref=duffelblog.com)? I rest my case." Many veterans, rather than alarmed, found the BAC relatable. “When I was the CO of my warship, I was tanked non-stop," said retired Naval officer Jay Byrnes. "Sure, I yelled a lot and my handwriting was indecipherable but it helped me cope with a stressful situation. I wasn’t a pansy who needed to go to therapy." Byrnes said he got through “the three Ds: DUI, divorce, and detached for cause. Like a goddamn warfighter. Hegseth gets it.” Despite the anecdotal support, medical professionals were less enthusiastic. “Mr. Hegseth looks to be about 5 '9 and 180 pounds,” Abi Chaudhary, a medical doctor at the [Mayo Clinic,](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/in-depth/alcohol/art-20044551?ref=duffelblog.com) estimated before being corrected by a Pentagon staffer. “No. There is no way he is 6’1, absolutely not. Anyway, to maintain a BAC of that level would require him to drink in excess of 9 drinks per hour, every hour, which is basically impossible—” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Cash-strapped Pentagon downgrades to military service with ads URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-military-ads/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:39:37.000Z ARLINGTON, VA — Tourists on Friday at the [The Tomb of The Unknown Soldier](https://www.duffelblog.com/tomb-guard-arlington-snow/) presented by AFLAC were treated to a new script announcing the changing of the guard. “Good morning, I am Sentinel Jameson,” the soldier said to the standing crowd. “Before I announce the ceremony you are about to witness, I’d like to tell you about Uber Eats. Standing guard can build up quite an appetite, and we use Uber Eats to get the food we need delivered fast.” After each crossing of the tomb, the sentinel screamed “AFLAC!” “The changes are due to us downgrading to the military service with ads,” Pentagon Press Secretary Kingsley Wilson told reporters. “The 2026 fiscal year military budget is $961.8 billion, but with the ad-inclusive plan we can drop that price to $653.7 billion, a great savings to the American taxpayers. Also, today’s press conference is brought to you by Squarespace. I’ve always wanted [my own website to tell the truth about the Jews](https://www.npr.org/2025/03/06/nx-s1-5319995/kingsley-wilson-antisemitic-comments-defense-department-pentagon?ref=duffelblog.com), and Squarespace makes it easy!” The press conference was posted on the Pentagon YouTube channel with the title “10 Exciting news stories of the day! #3 will SHOCK YOU!” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Top 10 things SECDEF is spending money on while you’re not getting paid URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-things-secdef-is-spending-money-on-while-youre-not-getting-paid/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T00:16:30.000Z THE PENTAGON — American service members are used to shared suffering and the latest government shutdown has been no exception. Whether in the continental United States or on foreign shoes, from generals to privates, the month of October has been defined by financial uncertainty and reduced spending on all but the barest necessities. One guy, however, is having the time of his life — having turned October into his own personal Make-A-Wish carnival, and that is YOUR corn-fed, warrior-bred Secretary of Defense and Also War and Also Pew Pew [Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/). No money? No problem; he’ll just spend yours. Here are the top 10 things the SECDEF has miraculously found money for while you’ve been praying that SNAP gets funded to feed your children: ### #1: LARPing with the bois (and just the bois, girls in uniform have cooties) Sure, that $7,000 per flight hour could’ve covered food stamps for the junior enlisted or paid a teacher at the base child development center, but are you really going to begrudge the SECDEF a few minutes outside to touch grass? ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/11/data-src-image-75e2ac00-2150-489b-97f3-7c44ae53fd85.jpeg) ### #2: More LARPing with the bois. That sick shaka is a bargain at any price, [even the $13,000 per flight hour](https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/2025/10/18/caine-hegseth-fighter-jets-nevada/?ref=duffelblog.com) it cost while you’re weighing another personal loan for your own gas from USAA. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/11/data-src-image-b8c26d3f-a965-4e95-ba4d-49815369ff9d.jpeg) ### #3: Pete’s the public face of the most powerful military on earth, so he damn well needs to look his best at the negotiating table. So don’t nickel and dime him on [Botox treatments](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15173659/pete-hegseth-pentagon-secretary-war-botox.html?ref=duffelblog.com), it’s all part of the warrior ethos. ### #4: [Toy airplanes for Donnie Jr](https://www.forbes.com/sites/zacheverson/2025/10/29/donald-trump-jr-ultimate-machines-defense-contracts-drones/?ref=duffelblog.com). Despite being an eligible military-aged male during the entirety of the Global War on Terror, Donald Trump Jr. avoided the whiff of grapeshot for the duration and you know what, he feels pretty guilty about it. So the SECDEF figured the least he could do was let Donnie show his support for the troops through the dividends of a lucrative drone contract. Trump Jr. is reportedly deeply honored by his board position with the drone company where his hefty responsibilities include making “brrrrrrrr” sounds during each board meeting. ### #5: Vigilance never sleeps, nor is it cheap. So it’s not asking much for sailors to eat the zeroes in their LESs because Pete needs funds for [Task Force Instagram](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/navy-secretary-social-media/?ref=duffelblog.com). If you’ve got time to make reels, you’ve got time to pick up a shift at the base McDonald’s. And you better not post any of those “WTF Moment” stories about how your whiny kids are always hungry — the Task Force is watching. ### #6: To reinforce the parts of the warrior ethos Pete cares most deeply about, he’s ordered Defense Department comptrollers to scrape enough funds together for Operation BEARDS BAD. [BEARDS BAD](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-study-finds-beards-directly-proportional-to-combat-effectiveness/) is an urgent acquisitions program to give each and every servicemember a set of clippers for policing those nasty moostaches. You won’t have a chicken in every pot but since you’re trimming every day, your clippings guarantee a steady diet of protein. Because Pete doesn’t want any beards ruining his pictures. Seriously, [he doesn’t](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/military-hegseth-beards-troops/?ref=duffelblog.com). Get the fuck away from him with that shit. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Soldiers react positively to flavored vape pits URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-react-positively-to-flavored-vape-pits/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T14:51:33.000Z WASHINGTON — The Pentagon says that soldiers are raving about the military’s ongoing conversion of toxic burn pits into flavored vape pits, sources confirmed today. “I’m proud to say we’ve replaced unhealthy fumes with tropical aromas,” boasted Dr. Steve Ferrara, acting assistant secretary of defense for health affairs, exhaling a custard-flavored cloud. “Our brave soldiers have been happily enjoying our vape pits in flavors such as crème brûlée, fruity pebble, and piña colada.” [Burn pits](https://news.va.gov/129241/veterans-exposed-toxins-hazards-now-eligible/?ref=duffelblog.com) have plagued the military for decades, reaching a peak during the Iraq War. Many veterans would still be fighting to prove exposure and receive care if [not for the PACT Act](https://www.va.gov/resources/the-pact-act-and-your-va-benefits/?ref=duffelblog.com). But the Department of Defense has pledged to address the very burn pits that inspired the law — by replacing them with environmentally questionable *vape pits*, capable of producing “phat clouds,” according to junior enlisted personnel. “It’s some of the best fucking stuff I’ve ever smoked,” raved Senior Airmen Anton Marc. “After a long day of swabbing the airfield, in the rain, nothing relaxes me more than taking a rip from the vape pit. Sure, there are times when I wake up coughing blood, but it’s all paid for by the morale fund!” Defense officials expect a morale boost across the active-duty force. “We anticipate a 300% increase in morale and a 40% rise in vaping-related lung collapses,” said one DoD official while standing beside a tent labeled ‘JUULCONEX.’ But not everyone is on board with this so-called solution. Jon Stewart, [a prominent advocate for veterans' health](https://www.dav.org/learn-more/news/2023/comedian-jon-stewart-reluctantly-accepts-award-to-raise-awareness-of-pact-act-benefits/?ref=duffelblog.com) and key player in the passage of the PACT Act, expressed frustration. “We... god damn it... we JUST started to correct this issue. When we worked with the VA to fix the issue, I did not imagine an Agent Orange-filled hookah lounge.” When surveyed, junior enlisted personnel overwhelmingly supported the vape pits, requesting additional flavors such as pink lemonade and blueberry jam, rather than removing them. ***Jason Trudell** *spins stories with flair, of Tricare woes and pay beyond repair, a military man with humble deeds, with coffee and whiskey he buries the lead* ### Trump announces CIA op in Venezuela will go off without a hitch next week URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cia-venezuela/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T23:04:40.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump took to Truth Social at 2:03 a.m. Friday to announce that a covert CIA operation in Venezuela would “go off without a hitch” next week. “MADURO CAN SUCK MY BALLS!” Trump posted in all caps. “NEXT WEEK OUR GREAT SPIES WILL STAGE A TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE REASON TO INVADE VENEZUELA. THE WORLD WILL NEVER SEE IT COMING! OUR TROOPS ARE EXCITED TO DIE IN ANOTHER POINTLESS WAR. GOD BLESS AMERICA.” The post included an [AI-created image of Trump](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/trumps-team-keeps-posting-ai-portraits-of-him-and-we-keep-clicking?ref=duffelblog.com) giving a thumbs-up next to a flaming oil refinery alongside a caption of “Somewhere in Caracas.” The statement comes amid reports of U.S. Navy warships deploying to the Caribbean, including a full carrier strike group. Analysts believe the move signals the start of yet another destabilizing regime change effort in a country that most Americans can’t locate on a map. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the operation, stating, “The president is right. Maduro absolutely can suck his balls. [Republicans do it all the time.”](https://www.rawstory.com/mike-johnson-2674232609/?ref=duffelblog.com) Earlier this week, Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro claimed his security forces arrested multiple CIA operatives attempting to orchestrate a false flag attack on U.S. naval assets. While Maduro’s claims have not been substantiated, a CIA operation ending in [humiliating disaster would come as no surprise.](https://amzn.to/490R2gh?ref=duffelblog.com) Following a string of strikes on suspected drug boats and fishing vessels off the Venezuelan coast, sources say next week's “Operation Very Fine Coup” will commence with airstrikes on farmers, schools, and civilian cars that may be carrying drugs. “All the people with common sense say we shouldn’t invade Venezuela, so you can bet your ass we’re going to do it,” said Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell. “The cartel you’ve never heard of is a minor player in the drug trade and must be stopped. An invasion and botched occupation will turn Venezuela into a lawless anarchy where these cartels will have much less power. [Based on our track record](https://www.duffelblog.com/iraq-war-retroactively-justified-by-discovery-of-saddams-wmds/), this will backfire and we'll end up [worse off than we were before](https://www.duffelblog.com/houthi-rebels-audition-to-be-americas-next-quagmire/). Now let’s get out there and beat them like my wife.” ***Red Friday** **wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### Secretary is a lady job, says newly-minted CEO of War URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ceo-of-war-hegseth/ Last updated: 2026-08-09T22:26:12.000Z THE PENTAGON — The Pentagon announced today that former Secretary of Defense/former Secretary of War Pete Hegseth will now hold the title *CEO of War*, following what officials described as a “full-blown tantrum” during a cabinet meeting. “Secretary is a lady job!” Hegseth reportedly shouted, while the adults in the room continued their discussions on real issues and tried to ignore him. “I’m not a lady! I’m a big boy! [I do push-ups and pull-ups!”](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-finds-hegseth-pullups-as-root-cause-of-failures-in-iraq-afghanistan/) Rather than correct his form or explain the history of the title, defense officials opted to just give him what he wanted. “We figured renaming the [Department of Defense back to the Department of War](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-loses-access-to-1-trillion-dod-budget-after-name-change/) would shut him up,” said Gen. Dan Caine, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “But no, turns out the problem was the word *secretary*. Which is ironic, considering the man has a makeup studio in the E-Ring.” Following the announcement, a beaming Hegseth handed out hand-drawn “business cards” featuring his new title written in crayon. Each card came stapled with an invitation to his *War CEO Masterclass*, a 12-part course on leadership via mirror flexing and yelling “hooah” at interns. When asked what “CEO” actually stands for, Hegseth replied, “I think it means [Cool Exciting Officer.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-platoon-sergeant-lt/) _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Anonymous donor gives Pentagon 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen to pay troops URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/anonymous-donor-gives-pentagon-130-million-cans-of-skoal-wintergreen-to-pay-troops/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:10:28.000Z WASHINGTON — The Pentagon confirmed today that it has accepted an anonymous gift of 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen smokeless tobacco that will be used to pay troops during the government shutdown. The donation comes after billions of cans of dip were repurposed from research and development efforts last month to make payroll. While it’s only a small drop in the bucket — a typical military pay day costs about 7 billion cans — it has nonetheless been appreciated by the troops. “There’s about 1.3 million active-duty troops. That’s 100 cans per person,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George. “It’s not a full paycheck, but if we ration it smartly and reuse pinches, we can probably make it through the next few weeks.” President Trump declined to identify the donor but praised him as “a true patriot who would personally take the dip out of his own mouth and stick it right into our soldiers’ mouths.” “It’s true Americans like this who make our country great by keeping our troops’ mouths full of juicy loose-leaf tobacco,” Trump added. “Meanwhile, the Democrats didn’t even cough up a single tin of Grizzly. Sad!” The donation marks the first time private citizens have funded military pay since 1893, when Andrew Carnegie reportedly covered payroll with five million tobacco plugs and 100,000 spittoons. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### HGTV debuts 'gardening with the Guard' series URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hgtv-gardening-dc-guard/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:36:27.000Z WASHINGTON — HGTV has launched a new reality series showcasing the versatility of the National Guard, the unlikely connection between horticulture and homeland security, and what Pentagon officials are calling the “new face of lethality.” The series, *Gardening with the Guard*, follows uniformed soldiers from the District of Columbia National Guard as they take on neighborhood beautification missions across the capital — [planting flowers, raking leaves, picking up trash](https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2025/09/13/dc-national-guard-ward8-cleanup/?ref=duffelblog.com), and police calling for missing morale. Winners of each episode’s “Yard Domination Challenge” receive a VIP glam-up in Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s private [Pentagon makeup suite.](https://www.cbsnews.com/news/hegseth-orders-makeup-studio-installed-pentagon/?ref=duffelblog.com) “This is part of Secretary Hegseth’s warfighting vision,” said Pentagon spokesman Col. Paul Krautnichter. “Many Pacific islands could use a little sprucing up before we bring the heat to China. So yeah — weed fighting is warfighting.” When asked if landscaping is really a Guard mission, Krautnichter pointed to the data. “We’ve reduced crime in D.C. by eleventy-thousand percent. And not one reported incident of garden crime. You’re welcome, America.” According to insiders, HGTV execs realized they had stumbled onto “must-watch television” when the D.C. Guard was mobilized to deter a crime wave, failed to locate said wave, and instead pivoted to hedge trimming while remaining fully mobilized in case a crime wave emerged. “The link between neighborhood beautification and national security was long thought to be a myth,” said one producer. “This show proves it’s real — and makes for incredible reality TV.” Audiences are loving it. “It’s amazing how these highly trained soldiers are experts in both spreading mulch and… whatever their real jobs are,” said one viewer. The mayor of a small Maryland town added: “If I’d known the Guard could be mobilized for cleanup and crowd presence, we’d have declared a fake-ass crime wave years ago.” At the Washington Navy Yard, a Marine lance corporal offered his own review: “Normally painting rocks is morale-crushing bullshit. But there’s actual lethality in the way these troops wield those weed-whackers. FAFO, China.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth pays troops with government travel card URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-pays-troops-with-government-travel-card/ Last updated: 2025-10-22T12:00:16.000Z WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth used his Citibank government travel card to [cover military payroll last week](https://www.duffelblog.com/troops-pay-gov-shutdown/), according to senior Pentagon officials who described the move as “creatively illegal.” “Apparently Citibank sent a letter to President Trump stating that Secretary Hegseth is now delinquent in the amount of eight billion dollars,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Papa Bear was pissed.” [Government travel cards](https://www.duffelblog.com/major-dies-while-on-hold-with-sato-travel/) are intended to cover expenses during official travel — not to bankroll the Department of Defense during a shutdown, according to a 59-page policy document that defense finance officials are required to pretend they’ve read. Duffel Blog attempted to read the regulation but blacked out somewhere around paragraph 2.4.1.6.7 and woke up covered in Skilcraft ink. The alleged misuse came to light during the Global Training Meeting, where U.S. readiness is compared against other countries in a color-coded [PowerPoint presentation](https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-accomplished-soldier-screws-up-power-point-slide-ends-war-afghanistan/) originally created in 1998. “Denmark? Green across the board. Kenya? Green across the board. Then they get to America and it’s a giant red dot for government travel card payments!” Trump reportedly shouted. “Somebody warn me before I walk into a meeting looking like a broke-ass general!” All military members are required to complete annual training on the appropriate usage of government travel cards. As a former [Army National Guard](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-soldier-keeps-saying-shes-in-the-army/) officer, Pete Hegseth should have conducted this training multiple times, unless his Minnesota chain of command was pencil-whipping it. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Tracker S3A updates tracker that tracks tracker updates URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/tracker-s3a-updates-tracker-that-tracks-tracker-updates/ Last updated: 2025-10-20T12:00:26.000Z CAMP PENDLETON, Ca. — When 1st Lt. Marshall Stevens graduated Yale with a 3.87 GPA, varsity letters in football and rugby, and one of only two coveted billets as an Assault Amphibious Vehicle Officer, he imagined a life of bold amphibious warfare. Instead, he now chairs meetings about spreadsheets. “I joined to fight my way onto fortified beachheads, guns blazing in a swimming tank,” Stevens said. “Now I’m tracking tracker updates on trackers tracking trackers for tracked vehicles that don’t track anymore.” Indeed, the Marines who crew the AAVP-7A1s, affectionately called "Trackers," have spent more time in Excel than in the field, thanks to a cascading series of initiatives aimed at improving visibility, accountability, and soul extraction. Stevens, now the Assistant Operations Officer (S3A) for 1st Amphibious Assault Battalion, oversees the battalion-level tracker—an Excel sheet with 957 rows and 712 sortable columns. Its purpose: to compile tracker updates from subordinate company trackers tracking various tracked matters so the battalion commander, Lt. Col. Marc Franken, can view a “stop light” coded “snapshot” of battalion-level tracker updates from company-level trackers tracking critical factors affecting the track battalion, such as human trafficking training, individual plans for attendance at the Family Readiness Officer’s Fun Day, and which Marines have had their tires properly inspected before leaving the Camp Pendleton area. "It started when the OpsO, Maj. Crandall, called me and Master Guns into his office talking about *schwerpunkt* this and center of gravity that," said Master Gunnery Sgt. Mario Forte. "I’ve known about fifty Command and Staff grads; they love the Prussians. But when he said he was a ‘disruptive thinker,’ I knew some stupid shit was coming. I told him I had to 'check on things down at the boat basin' and let the 3A own that bullshit." The result? Stevens now chairs a 1600 sync three times a week with the Track Company XOs, focused exclusively on tracker update synchronization. "It’s super rewarding," Stevens said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fortnite adds Tim Kennedy 'rucksack of grenades' skin URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fortnite-adds-tim-kennedy-rucksack-of-grenades-skin/ Last updated: 2026-10-01T14:46:26.000Z JOHN F. KENNEDY SPECIAL WARFARE CENTER, NC — The U.S. Army Special Forces and Fortnite developer Epic Games have announced a first-of-its-kind collaboration featuring [Green Beret celebrity,](https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/donald-trump-gives-two-former-ufc-stars-key-roles-at-military-parade/ar-AA1GHEEP?ref=duffelblog.com) former [UFC fighter](https://www.sherdog.com/fighter/Tim-Kennedy-2830?ref=duffelblog.com), and current MAGA darling Tim Kennedy. While some have recently called for Kennedy’s SF tab to be pulled amid [multiple stolen valor controversies](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2025/07/10/tim-kennedy-green-beret-and-army-hype-man-under-investigation-lying-about-combat-valor.html?ref=duffelblog.com), officials at the John F. Kennedy Special Warfare Center and School have decided to run with the publicity. “Special Forces sees Tim Kennedy as the perfect tool to activate the latent sociopaths in Gen Alpha that we’ll need for future wars,” said Bailey Blake, a SWCS spokesman. “I mean, it takes one to know one, right?” Fortnite players can unlock an exclusive Tim Kennedy [skin](https://www.fortnite.com/item-shop?lang=en-US&ref=duffelblog.com) by completing a side quest that involves lobbing at least 25 grenades at a non-combatant structure during a Battle Royale match. Completing the mission unlocks Kennedy’s “Mythic” [Cheytac sniper rifle](https://callofduty.fandom.com/wiki/Intervention%5F%28weapon%29?ref=duffelblog.com), which can be used to [kill a horde of wounded and retreating Iranian freedom fighters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eWUh1LHAw8&rco=1&ref=duffelblog.com). “If that sounds too extreme for Fortnite’s largely juvenile fan base, remember that the Tim Kennedy Fortnite challenges are about as real as [his actual career exploits](https://www.texasmonthly.com/news-politics/tim-kennedy-manosphere-mma-green-beret/?ref=duffelblog.com)," said Blake. "But how else are we going to inspire a whole new generation to participate in another endless war \[with Iran\]?” The Battle Pass also includes three exclusive Tim Kennedy Emotes: - Falsely [accusing a teammate of cowardice](https://www.outkick.com/culture/tim-kennedy-antihero-podcast-teammates-interview?ref=duffelblog.com) - [Fragging a room full of civilians](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mxR7sGQsVo&ref=duffelblog.com) - [Bragging about unearned valor awards](https://www.essentiallysports.com/ufc-mma-news-tim-kennedy-pulled-into-active-investigation-as-army-major-reveals-truth-in-maryland/?ref=duffelblog.com). “This summer the DoD parachuted Kennedy into [Normandy](https://www.instagram.com/p/C76hWmTR6gu/?ref=duffelblog.com) for no reason and that did jack for recruiting," Blake said. "So now we’re trying the war-criminal-dog-whistle approach in this exciting digital battle space.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Mass shooting at Army base cancelled over government shutdown URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mass-shooting-gov-shutdown/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:22:32.000Z FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Today’s ideologically driven mass shooting has been canceled because of the government shutdown, base officials and furloughed extremists confirmed Thursday. “The plans for this indiscriminate violence had been in the works long before the current fiscal year,” said Spc. Jefferson Dale Earnhardt Davis, a fringe internet conspiracy theorist of some variety. “But with furloughs and closed facilities, it’s clear this isn’t an exempted activity.” On Oct. 1, the government entered a shutdown due to a lapse in appropriations. Which means that many operations have been curtailed: training exercises, [permanent change of station moves](https://www.duffelblog.com/breaking-truck-carrying-your-household-goods-just-drove-off-a-cliff/), morale activities, [barracks mold](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-to-stop-using-mold-to-construct/) remediation, [rooting out DEI supporters](https://www.duffelblog.com/dozens-killed-in-navy-seal-raid-on/), free government sex changes, abortion parties, [white supremacist meetings](https://www.duffelblog.com/not-racist-soldier-has-surprisingly-negative-things-to-say-about-supply-nco/) at the base library, healthcare coverage, and [mass shootings](https://www.duffelblog.com/government-pamphlet-veteran-classroom-attempts-mass-shooting/) have all been cancelled due to the anti-deficiency act. “The showdown of political will in Congress right now is addressing some of our deepest problems here at [Fort Bragg, I mean Fort Liberty](https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-liberty-to-solve-trash-problem/), or is it Fort Bragg now?” an anonymous second shooter reported from his mother’s basement. “Myself, along with a shadowy underground fighting against American values are going to pick up again on our unchecked violence, but not while we are having this fruitful public discussion on immigration. Or is it healthcare? I think I heard something about Greenland.” Others have reported that one speech from [Defense Secretary Pete 'Sharpie Sniffer' Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-budget-plan-just-stick-figure/) was enough to revive their warrior spirit, but without TDY funding, the urge to line up the fatties against a wall execute them petered out pretty quickly. “Joining Antifa sounded pretty sick, but now I’m covering for three furloughed GS employees,” 2nd Lt. Linda Graves added to the r/NewTerroristGroups reddit thread. “I’m just tired. I don’t have time for a hobby right now.” Fort Bragg hasn’t had a mass shooting since 1995, after a soldier became frustrated with his command for having to pay out of pocket for equipment and opened fire on an 82nd Airborne Division PT session, killing one paratrooper and injuring others. The sniper incident came on the heels of racially motivated murders by a white supremacist group targeting black civilians to earn a specific tattoo. While 1995, 2009, 2013, 2014, and 2025 all witnessed mass shootings on military bases, a common factor was that the National Defense Authorization had passed, fulling funding the government. According to Davis, the 1995 bombing of the federal government office building in Oklahoma City is held up as the gold standard but, he said, “It’s not worth my time accumulating explosives from the dark web if the feds aren’t even at work to notice.” “My sexual harassment was starting to escalate towards murdering a woman with a higher PT score than me,” Sgt. Sherman Ramiraz reported from the smoke pit. “But I’m living paycheck to paycheck here. My tradwife needs new milkmaid dresses for her tic-tocs. I’m providing for her kids and my kids. Murder won’t make up for a lost paycheck.” Meanwhile, a planned coup d'état scheduled for Thursday has also been called off due to the shutdown. “Oh, like hell I’m showing up to overthrow American institutions in favor of a tyrannical king of a President if I’m not getting BAH,” Davis added. “I’m going to make a dental appointment that day. Come and get me.” 🖊️ ***Blondes Over Baghdad** *lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at* [**@BlondsOvrBaghd*](https://email.mg1.substack.com/c/eJwlkMuOwyAMRb-mLCMeSUkXLKaL2c4nIAJOioZHBkyr%5FP2QVrKwANvX51qDsOVyqD1XJOeh8dhBJXjVAIhQSKtQtHeKzYwLOXLiFJXcyoX4qtcCEI0PiuxtCd4a9Dm9qym7sht5KJiloI7y0dIZgLJFCKAzc0xIMEJcP6KmOQ%5FJgsopHHo33pGgHoh7vYivC%5F%5FugS9%5F7jPYHPvtHnJy9edZ7mZ7OOIVp7xrcskEZdM0sOF4%5Fq0i4iua22WkcWNDbUtFY3%5FPEaSo6ItJzvTnGKHUXrSdKO%5FfTqN7ji15PDQkswRwCksDgh-v3th6gwSle-i0QdWJmZz4xKaZjh-u7oRgt77TdSZd3uXelZRr6wphCXn7B8jFglI?ref=duffelblog.com) ### Top 10 things you can’t buy because you're not getting paid URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/troops-pay-gov-shutdown/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T00:16:08.000Z ### 1\. Food Seems like an [obvious necessity to live](https://www.duffelblog.com/mre-review-duffel-blog/), but not during a government shut down! Maybe you live on base and have access to a [chow hall](https://www.duffelblog.com/hundreds-dead-after-air-force-dining/), you lucky duck. But for those on deployments to exotic locations such as Los Angeles and Chicago, tough it out. Secretary of Defense (and also War) Pete Hegseth needs you to drop some pounds anyways. ### 2\. Utilities A lot like food in the basic necessity categories, but you’re probably not reading this list anyways because you’re sitting in the dark. ### 3\. Your cell phone plan Finally, the perfect excuse not to call your mother. It’s a government emergency ma! Oh did you want to stay in touch with your wife while you’re out defending freedom from bearded Portland hipsters aka Antifa terrorist scum? Well don’t worry because her phone is shut off too, and [luckily that dude next door](https://www.duffelblog.com/hookup-app-jody/) who already mows your lawn twice a week will be right over. ### 4\. Porn Technically this can be grouped under number three since your main source of Pornhub was your phone, but with the WiFi cut off with the rest of your utilities, think of all that brain power you can use now to imagine nipples and bush while trying to take your mind off the suck that is currently your life. ### 5\. Baby formula Ok, it’s not Uncle Sam’s fault you have so many dependents. You could’ve used a condom. Of course you can’t afford those now either, but no one wants to fuck your broke ass anyways. ### 6\. Car payments Say aloha to [that sweet Dodge Challenger](https://www.duffelblog.com/democrats-pander-to-troops-with-dodge/) you bought with your last reenlistment bonus. Sure it’s the only method of transportation you had to get to and from work once you’re allowed to return to your regular paying job (shout out to Chipotle, they never make you work for free!), but at least now you don’t have that [ridiculous interest rate amirite?!](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-pfc-buys-ford-mustang-after-deployment-gets-really-great-deal/) ### 7\. Your gym membership Sure, Secretary Hegseth wants you to be a big, beefy boy, but since you’re not eating right now because you can't afford food, you’d probably be too weak for stair machine anyways. That rock hard booty is just going to have to wait until Congress decides you need a rock hard booty. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Handwritten ‘no girls aloud’ sign spotted outside Joint Chiefs’ treehouse URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/handwritten-no-girls-aloud-sign-spotted-outside-joint-chiefs-treehouse/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:47.000Z THE PENTAGON — Defense officials today confirmed the discovery of a handwritten sign taped to the entrance of the [Joint Chiefs of Staff’s](https://www.duffelblog.com/jcs-dont-care-youre-resigning/) treehouse that reads “No Girls Aloud” \[sic\], with the R in “girls” written backwards for emphasis. The treehouse — known to insiders as “The Clubhouse” — sits in the Pentagon’s back garden and serves as a retreat for the Joint Chiefs when they need a break from running the world’s most lethal military. Originally built in 1967 at the height of the Vietnam War, it has since been upgraded with ballistic armor, secure comms, and the ability to function as a SCIF. With the recent [firing of Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Lisa Franchetti](https://seapowermagazine.org/navy-cno-franchetti-fired/?ref=duffelblog.com), observers suspect the sign is meant to suggest women are not welcome in the treehouse, or more broadly within [within the Joint Chiefs at all](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2025/02/27/no-more-female-4-stars-franchetti-firing-leaves-top-ranks-filled-men.html?ref=duffelblog.com). Linguists have pointed out that “aloud” appears to be a homophone mix-up by the sign’s author. Investigators briefly opened a probe, but the effort was quickly shut down after the sign turned out to be an Amazon box with part of the shipping label still attached. Officials declined to say why the letters “[gseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-budget-plan-just-stick-figure/)” was visible on the torn package. The Clubhouse has long been a magnet for mischief. In 1990, [pranksters toilet papered the tree](https://volumeone.org/articles/2012/10/15/203462-a-toilet-paper-tradition?ref=duffelblog.com) with unused psyop leaflets meant for Iraqi soldiers. Then in 2017, after [Marine Gen. James Mattis](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/dec/01/james-mattis-secretary-of-defense-donald-trump?ref=duffelblog.com) was appointed Secretary of Defense, a full-color paper mâché Keebler sign bearing the Marine Corps eagle, globe, and anchor was found hanging from a branch. During the height of the Global War on Terror, groundskeepers routinely found reflective PT belts lashed around the trunk, along with empty [Rip It cans](https://www.duffelblog.com/rip-it-teases-plan-for-gwot-20-year-anniversary-can/) and [Copenhagen tins](https://www.duffelblog.com/junior-enlisted-party-presidential-candidate-free-copenhagen-porn-at-the-shoppette/) scattered nearby. [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***P.J. O’Leary** *is a ginger and retired Army First Sergeant who enjoys black coffee, axe throwing, and an uncomfortable amount of internet trolling. Performing stand up comedy and writing satire help him make sense of the chaos and get revenge on his fifth grade teacher who once declared he can’t make a living as a class clown.* ![](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/7505866d-0306-4fba-9140-44a7a181c665_1200x440.png) [‘Eternal Flaming Wheelbarrow Full of Cash’ picked as Global War On Terror MemorialThe National Park Service has selected Eternal Flaming Wheelbarrow Of Cash as a memorial to honor veterans who served in the Global War on Terror![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-29.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/Da5kAXJX0AA8017.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/global-war-on-terror-memorial-to-be-named-eternal-flaming-wheelbarrow-full-of-cash/) [GWOT reenactors gather for disconnected violence, ill-conceived civil projectsCorners remain to be turned, contracts to be awarded![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-30.png)Duffel BlogThunder Chicken![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/5749b3ac-8ba1-42ae-9b9d-037ecb1478b7_4256x2394.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/gwot-reenactors-gather-for-disconnected/) [Terminally ill vet gets wish to jerk it one last time in IraqAmerican hero can only orgasm at 105 degrees amidst the smell of blue fluid![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/icon/Duffel-Blog-logo-31.png)Duffel BlogDuffel Blog Staff![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/thumbnail/93d0433d-23c0-40ff-b51b-9680a68cfd0b.jpg)](https://www.duffelblog.com/terminally-ill-vet-gets-his-dying-24-01-18/) ### Hegseth sets record for largest military D&D campaign ever URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-set-largest-military-d-d-campaign-ever/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:52:40.000Z MARINE CORPS BASE QUANTICO, Va. – Despite negative press coverage and a failed attempt at intimidating America’s enemies, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly boosted morale among the more than 800 generals and admirals he summoned to Quantico [by setting a world record](https://www.yahoo.com/news/videos/pete-hegseth-leads-record-breaking-010733703.html?ref=duffelblog.com) for the largest military [Dungeons & Dragons](https://www.dndbeyond.com/?srsltid=AfmBOop0uZc57f3rK8qZg2X-3WWrgHG66uyPFJFj4T5wdfYpGaCgTnWC&ref=duffelblog.com) campaign ever played, sources confirmed today. “The Secretary meant what he said about readiness and lethality,” said a spokesman for Hegseth. “And other than PT, what better way to prepare warrior leaders than a good old-fashioned D&D quest?” The hundreds of flag officers filed into the partially renovated Bruce Hall Dining Facility, where they were divided into several groups. Hegseth, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, and each of the service chiefs served as dungeon masters — refereeing, organizing, and occasionally threatening to relieve players mid-campaign. Officers selected characters from the usual [classes — barbarian, bard, fighter, ranger, monk, paladin, wizard, warlock, and cleric](https://www.dndbeyond.com/classes?srsltid=AfmBOorc30aWHjoKKFON2c9RXLN8-eeXsQ5qk5cW%5Fs6tBPnhZ7C3PLbp&ref=duffelblog.com). Normally, players can choose a race such as [human, elf, dwarf, half-orc, or gnome](https://www.wargamer.com/dnd/races?ref=duffelblog.com), but attendees were reminded of Hegseth’s stance on diversity and identity politics, so everyone was restricted to playing as straight white male humans. “I had a friggin’ blast!” said Maj. Gen. James Work, commanding general of the 82nd Airborne Division. “Such a great way to integrate tactics and strategy into MWR time. As a former member of the 75th Ranger Regiment, of course my character, Cornelius Rattleghast, is a Ranger! Hooah!” Sources close to the event reported that most infantry officers played Rangers and most Marine officers played Paladins or barbarians. Naval and Air Force officers seemed to mostly gravitate towards bards and clerics. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Naval Academy adds 'See Spot Run' to reading list URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/naval-academy-adds-see-spot-run-to-reading-list/ Last updated: 2026-08-10T04:17:13.000Z ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Following the announcement that the U.S. Naval Academy would begin accepting applications from [students using the Classic Learning Test](https://thehill.com/homenews/education/5516363-military-academies-clt-classical-learning-test/?ref=duffelblog.com), officials confirmed today that *See Spot Run* has been added to the school's official reading list. “When I heard we were accepting an alternate SAT run by the CEO of PragerU I thought it was a joke,” said Lt. Gen. Michael Borgshulte, superintendent of the Naval Academy. “But it’s what we’re going to be doing. Anything’s possible with these motherfu- fine people in charge.” [The Classic Learning Test](https://www.edweek.org/teaching-learning/what-is-the-classic-learning-test-and-why-is-it-popular-with-conservatives/2025/09?ref=duffelblog.com) (CLT), often referred to as the conservative alternative to the SAT and ACT according to the company behind the test and the Congressmen they bribe, is accepted at some Christian colleges and a handful of state schools in Florida, Texas, Arkansas, and Wyoming. It [includes questions such as:](https://youtu.be/eD3A8SX0G8s?si=kfI-DUn-oVFw27-a&t=252&ref=duffelblog.com) > A mother buys two types of shirts for her son: red shirts and blue shirts. Before she goes shopping, the ratio of red to blue shirts in the son’s closet is 11:14\. She buys 2 new red shirts and 4 new blue shirts. When she adds these to her son’s closet, what is the new ratio of red to blue shirts? > A) 3:4 > B) 11:14 > C) 13:18 > D) It is impossible to determine from the given information. Experts say this is an appropriate gauge of the mathematical knowledge of students in Oklahoma. “If the Navy can take someone who scored [a 10 on the ASVAB](https://www.duffelblog.com/134-percent-of-marines-arrested-in-nationwide-asvab-cheating-scam/) and make them an Operational Specialist,” Borgshulte said, “We can take someone who passes this test and, um… have them cut the grass. That’s off the record, don’t print that.” To prepare for the new class of midshipmen, faculty are lowering academic expectations. “During plebe summer everyone will read *See Spot Run*,” said Dr. Alvin Mellonbottom, head of the English Department. “Advanced literature will cover *The Cat in the Hat*. Our goal is for students to understand that the cat is wearing the hat, not living inside it.” Other changes include replacing calculus with *Math 101: Counting on Your Fingers,* and adding *Chemistry 100: Don’t Stick Your Dick in the Bottles.* Amanda Eliot, protocol advisor to the commandant, says her department is introducing new social instruction such as “Windows are not for licking” and “Please masturbate in private.” Reached for comment, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said, “Hurr durr. I like coffee with the brown stinky juice. Triangle no fit in round hole. Mommy help.” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Red Friday** *wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed* ### General officer summit extended for K-Pop Demon Hunter singalong URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/general-officer-summit-extended-for-k-pop-demon-hunter-singalong/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:52:18.000Z MARINE CORPS BASE QUANTICO, Va. — [What was mysteriously billed as the most consequential gathering of U.S. military brass](https://www.duffelblog.com/master-strategist-pete-hegseth-to-gather-all-u-s-military-leaders-in-same-place-at-same-time/) in decades has been extended to make room for Secretary of Defense (and also War) Pete Hegseth’s visionary morale event: compelling 800 flag officers into a synchronized K-Pop Demon Hunter sing-along. “This was the day-one activity,” said a beaming Hegseth as he greeted attendees. “Frankly, it was the only activity,” he said, before brushing off concern over the President’s attendance earlier in the week. “We had to throw together some crap [about haircuts, P.T.,](https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2025/09/pete-hegseth-quantico/684423/?ref=duffelblog.com) near-peer whatever and roll to the right." “Adapt and overcome,” said Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David Allvin, offering Hegseth a fist bump. Many attendees admitted they'd braced for something far worse. “After mass-firing, my best guess was a closed-door session on Chinese cyber-dominance,” said one three-star who asked not to be named. “Next thing I know, Pete’s at the podium, shirtless in a be-dazzled skin-tight flight suit unzipped to his navel, screaming ‘Welcome to Demon Boot Camp!’” By the time the backup dancers rappelled from the ceiling, the general said, it was too late to hide in the bathroom with the [generals from SOF.](https://www.duffelblog.com/sof-in-crisis-after-pog-terrorist/) Others claimed they’d picked up early intel from their lieutenants in Roblox chatrooms but were still unprepared. “I thought ‘Demon Hunter Singalong’ was some kind of Air Force ISR slang for going kinetic,” said an Army two-star as his Command Sergeant Major wiped neon glitter off him with a wet wipe. “As in, ‘hope those Houthis like karaoke, because we’re sending an invite to a Demon Hunter Singalong.’ Sounds like something [those drone homos](https://www.duffelblog.com/drone-pilot-to-receive-first-air-force-medal-of-honor-since-vietnam/) would say.” “Serves us right for complaining about [meetings that could be emails](https://www.duffelblog.com/retirement-ceremony-could-have-been-retirement-e-mail/),’” he said, before carefully using his left hand to arrange his right hand in heart fingers. Instead of a more typical bouncing-ball-style follow along, company grade officers on the joint staff projected the lyrics and dance moves from a single, 1172-slide PowerPoint with thousands of text animations for important lyrics. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Leaked agenda outlines schedule for generals’ meeting at Quantico URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/leaked-agenda-outlines-schedule-for-generals-meeting-at-quantico/ Last updated: 2025-09-30T18:19:26.000Z QUANTICO, Va. – Duffel Blog has obtained the official schedule of events for Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s mass gathering on Tuesday of senior leaders in Quantico. The source of the agenda, who spoke on the condition of anonymity and who said it totally didn't leak via [Signal chats from Hegseth’s account](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-atlantic-asks-to-be-removed-from/), provided the timeline below: **From: LethalPete6969@sd.mil** **Subject: 2025 Brass Bash** **Message:** All, find below the tentative events timeline for Tuesday’s leaders’ huddle. - 0500: First call and prayer \[CHRISTIAN prayer! None of that new age sissy shit!\] - 0600: Urinalysis. Testing for drugs and any [residual wokeness](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/). - 0700: 4.7-mile group run. - 0830: Height and weight. \[Hint: No fatties\] - 0900: Breakfast. Eggs, bacon, WHITE toast. Coffee, beer, and screwdrivers authorized. NO MIMOSAS!!! - 1000: [Secretary of War motivation speech.](https://www.duffelblog.com/newly-renamed-secretary-of-war-briefly-feels-something-other-than-crippling-insecurity/) - Lethality. - Trump’s awesomeness. - Dealing with minorities and women. - [Alcoholism: Is it THAT big of a deal?](https://shop.duffelblog.com/products/whiskeyleaks-rocks-glass?ref=duffelblog.com) - The Media are just a bunch of fags. - 1230: [MRE Lunch](https://www.duffelblog.com/mre-afghanistan-poop/) \[Suck it up POGs LOL\] - 1300: Service-specific breakout groups. Discuss how each service branch is dealing with woke, fat asses, and “ethnic hair styles.” - 1400: Pickleball tournament and pull-up competition. - 1530: Female generals and admirals excused so men can talk. - 1630: Sign Blood Oaths and NDAs. - 1700: Formation for Retreat and To the Colors. - 1730: Dinner of steaks and whiskey, followed by cigars and motivational rambling from SecWar. - 1830: Essay writing. Each officer will write a 650-1000 word essay titled “*Why I Should be Retained*" covering the following: _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Master strategist Pete Hegseth to gather all US military leaders in same place at same time URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/master-strategist-pete-hegseth-to-gather-all-u-s-military-leaders-in-same-place-at-same-time/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:57:01.000Z THE PENTAGON — Shockwaves have rippled across Washington in recent days following surprise orders from Secretary of Defense (and also War and also Pew Pew) Pete Hegseth that the [entirety of U.S. military leadership would muster aboard Marine Corps Base Quantico](https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/ar-AA1Nibmf?ref=duffelblog.com) on Tuesday. “This gathering is of the highest secrecy and importance to our national security,” said Hegseth, “which is why I have ordered every general- or flag-grade officer assemble at a highly secure location on Tuesday, September 30, at 12:00 pm Eastern Standard Time, 10 digit grid 0033566203 on your Quantico 1:50,0000 special if you’ve got one. All hands, no excuses. And remember: [stay clean on OPSEC.”](https://shop.duffelblog.com/products/clean-on-opsec-hand-soap?ref=duffelblog.com) The unprecedented move immediately raised questions about both the purpose of the meeting and the wisdom of advertising it. “I have absolutely no concerns about pulling every combatant commander, service chief, and force provider away from their day jobs for this super-secret sync,” Hegseth said dismissively. “Sure, I gave our adversaries a week’s warning, complete with the grid coordinates, but did I tell them the *color of the building*? Well? Did I?” Historically, the movement of senior military leaders has been a closely guarded secret, requiring significant intelligence work by adversarial nations to exploit. It took almost four years of cryptographic analysis on Japanese naval codes to gather enough information for planning an operation to take out [Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation%5FVengeance?ref=duffelblog.com) in World War II, and ten years to determine the location of [Osama bin Laden](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing%5Fof%5FOsama%5Fbin%5FLaden?ref=duffelblog.com). More recently, decapitation strikes on [Hezbollah](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2024%5FHezbollah%5Fheadquarters%5Fstrike?ref=duffelblog.com) and [Russian generals](https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/senior-russian-commanders-killed-by-ukraine-since-start-war-2025-07-03/?ref=duffelblog.com) have demonstrated the dangers to military chains of command when their locations have been leaked. The secretary was nevertheless unperturbed at the possible security risk incurred by freely dumping into the public domain information that would normally take enemies significant time and effort to uncover on their own. “First off, you all got the Google pin, right?" Hegseth [texted to a Signal group chat](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-atlantic-asks-to-be-removed-from/) he had recently created for hundreds of flag officers. "Hang on, let me tweet out pins on Apple Maps and Waze…cool, done. Second, there’s no base more secure than Quantico. It’s bounded by an uncontrolled highway to the west, an uncontrolled river to the east, uncontrolled airspace until you’re like a mile out, and has a commercial rail line right through the middle. There’s no way a threat could get on base unless it comes by air, land, or sea.” Equally as mysterious as Hegseth's unprompted offering of target-quality data to the public was the purpose behind the meeting itself. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### CIA destabilizes China by sending them Tylenol URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-destabilizes-china-by-sending-them-tylenol/ Last updated: 2025-09-26T15:33:09.000Z BEIJING — Waves of unexplained weirdness has swept through China after a successful CIA operation to distribute Tylenol, sources confirmed today. “Tylenol is a deadly poison that is causing outbreaks of autism in America,” CIA director John Ratcliff said, “so it makes perfect sense to send it to our adversaries. We buy 70% of our acetaminophen from China, so we figured we’ll send it back to them and see how they like it.” According to the CIA, Tylenol and its active ingredient, [acetaminophen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DT7Scg2okMs&ref=duffelblog.com), were first exposed as a national security threat by President Donald Trump and [a former heroin addict](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/recounting-heroin-addiction-and-spiritual-awakening-rfk-jr-urges-focus-on-prevention-and-community?ref=duffelblog.com) who said it “helped him study” in college. The scientific community immediately agreed, provided they could remain anonymous. To smuggle the drug across the border, CIA operatives disguised shipments of Tylenol inside bottles of harmless Chinese medicine. From there it was prescribed widely — for headaches, fevers, and even to PLA soldiers who had stubbed their toes during morning formation. Officials dubbed the mission *Operation Still Not the Dumbest Thing CIA Has Done*, and by all accounts it was a complete success. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Warrant officer convention draws 5,000 hats, only three warrants URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-convention-draws-5-000-hats-only-three-warrants/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T14:02:00.000Z MALE, Maldives — The military’s annual Warrant Officer Convention has been deemed a rousing success as over 5,000 officers’ hats registered and flew to the Indian Ocean paradise of the Maldives. The event sponsored by the U.S. Warrant Officers Association promised networking opportunities, updates on the state of the Warrant Officer Corps, and the chance to drop hats, CAC cards and even car keys on tables before disappearing for the day. Held at a luxurious overwater resort just a seaplane jump away from the island capital, actual warrants were in curiously short supply at reception. In fact, only three officers attended the entire four-day session. “We printed five thousand badges, but it was somewhat difficult to put the lanyards around the hats,” said a conference worker. “And we only had three human attendees. They were Air Force warrants. I didn’t know the Air Force has warrants so I hope they’re real. They kept asking about tee times, which I misunderstood as teatime. For the record, that’s at four p.m.” After registration, the hats moved to an auditorium to receive briefings. In the evening, there were drinks and a buffet dinner, but not one hat drank or ate a single thing. “They can’t eat. They’re hats,” said Air Force Warrant Officer Blake Handsey while holding three crab legs and a deviled egg in his hand. “More for me, I guess.” Despite the planned discussion on expanding the warrant officer model to the Space Force, the majority of the warrants were spotted snorkeling, fishing, or napping in hammocks on nearby islands — according to Russian intelligence, which had better attendance than the Army. “I thought this would be a great way to meet Army Warrant Officers and learn from their experiences,” said Air Force Warrant Officer Sheila Sheilas from Buckley Space Force Base. “But I haven’t seen a single one. Just their crushed-up hats that smell like cargo pockets and twenty-year-old instant coffee.” Australian media reported that the convention was partially funded by [the shadowy E-4 Mafia](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/e-4-accidentally-joins-actual-mafia-in-hilarious-mix-up), a limited liability corporation that has secretly been running the Department of Defense for over a hundred years. But the DoD denied this in a press release, stating, “Warrant Officers are technical experts, not like those [Zyn-addicted RipIt rejects.”](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/e-4-accidentally-joins-actual-mafia-in-hilarious-mix-up) MSNBC later reported that the press release was actually published by the E-4 Mafia from its secret headquarters in a country & western bar outside Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/inside-the-race-to-design-the-douchiest-department-of-war-t-shirt/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:00:11.000Z THE PENTAGON — Hours after the Pentagon announced it was renaming the Department of Defense to the Department of War, veteran-themed t-shirt companies launched an all-out sprint to design the douchiest War Department tee imaginable, sources confirmed today. “We sought to draw into question the physical, mental, and spiritual limits of the term ‘cringe,’” said a high-level leader at [Nine Line Apparel](https://www.duffelblog.com/nine-line-apparel-rolls-out-home-furnishing-collection/), adding that “this is very serious business.” Leaders at Nine Line, [Grunt Style](https://www.duffelblog.com/grunt-style-shirts/) and [Black Rifle Coffee Company](https://www.duffelblog.com/coffee-company-owner-begins-new-career/) spoke with *Duffel Blog* on condition of anonymity because they are “not supposed to talk to anyone without a beard," said one source. "What are you, gay?” "Anyway, we knew we had to seize this opportunity to drape every Cybertruck owner, guy who would have joined spec ops but his knee, and [Latino who is just hoping to be left alone by ICE](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/), in the most God-awful, tacky, shamelessly hubristic tee we could come up with.” “We’re going to fill every [CrossFit gym](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-hasnt-told-anyone-he-vapes/) in 'Merica with this shit,” he added. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Captain barely keeping a lid on all the marxism onboard URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/captain-barely-keeping-a-lid-on-all-the-marxism-onboard/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:45.000Z NORFOLK, Va. — The commanding officer of the USS *Wasp* can barely go five minutes without stamping out Marxism onboard, sources confirmed today. “Sailors used to show up and kill time until they could go home,” said Capt. John Burnum. “But that all changed with Biden. Ever since his presidency I’ve been fighting to contain a Bolshevik revolution onboard. Marxism is not a cultural boogeyman or a label for anyone leveling [legitimate criticism at the morons we have in charge](https://www.duffelblog.com/secdef-says-he-meant-to-text-dick/). It is a real threat to the lethality of the military.” Burnum says the change has been obvious. “I used to hear sailors say ‘This is some bullshit,’ and ‘Baker’s got a fat ass.’ Now that Marxism has poisoned their minds, sailors are saying ‘This is some bullshit,’ and ‘Today is the 107th anniversary of the day our forefathers stormed the House of Special Purpose to dispose of the Romanovs.’ Also, our command climate surveys reveal sailors intend on seizing the means of producing ‘tig ol bitties.’” Junior sailors have even suggested renaming *Wasp* as USS *Bernie Sanders,* and refer to the crackdown of [Marxist ideology onboard](https://archive.ph/Tmg7I?ref=duffelblog.com) as “Bloody Sunday," officials said. There is grumbling among the E-4 Proletariat that higher ranks enjoy unfair privileges, such as the opportunity to watch sailors pee. *Wasp* Executive Officer Cmdr. John McCarthy has been leading the anti-Marxist effort. “I’ve held public hearings where I demand sailors explain their Communist beliefs,” he said. “Many of them played dumb, saying they didn’t know what Marxism was. A lot of them also said they didn’t know the difference between the Atlantic and Pacific ocean. I thought that was a joke until a third of the crew said they had no idea.” Meanwhile, Chief Master at Arms Julio Martinez says he is on the front line of the culture war. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOM URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-prioritize-eucom-indopacom-africom-centcom-southcom-northcom/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:39:36.000Z THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that it is now fully prepared to prioritize every combatant command, a decision coming after years of intense debate, strategic recalibration, pizza parties, and several high-stakes games of rock-paper-scissors in the Pentagon’s War Room. “We are fully committed to ensuring that EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, and NORTHCOM all receive our undivided attention,” said Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth in a press conference. “This marks a new era of strategic ambiguity, where no one knows exactly which command is the priority because they all are and that’s how we like it.” When asked how the U.S. military planned to achieve such balanced prioritization, Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell said, “We’ve developed a highly sophisticated algorithm that ensures a steady constant shifting distribution of resources, support, integrating buzzwords like ‘readiness’ and ‘force multiplier’ across all commands. Basically, it’s like spreading peanut butter—smooth, even, and slightly nutty.” Here is how that distribution of resources will play out: **EUCOM**: U.S. European Command, responsible for military operations across Europe, will continue to receive support for deterring Russian aggression, attending NATO cocktail parties, and ensuring that European allies never run out of MREs featuring fine American cuisine like chili mac and spaghetti with meat sauce. **INDOPACOM**: U.S. Indo-Pacific Command will be bolstered to maintain freedom of navigation in the South China Sea, defend against North Korean threats, and ensure that every Pacific island has access to the latest season of “Survivor.” **AFRICOM**: U.S. Africa Command will see increased resources for combating terrorism, building partnerships with African nations, and making sure that the military’s “Lion King” DVD collection is complete and up to date. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of 'big booty Latinas' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T17:51:16.000Z MIAMI — The first wave of American troops made landfall in Venezuela this morning, seizing control of the nation’s strategic booty reserves on the outskirts of Caracas, U.S. Southern Command confirmed. Ground forces encountered little resistance at La Guaira, thanks in part to noncombatants distracting Bolivarian Armed Forces troops with cocuy and arepas at 0400. The beachhead assault follows the recent controversial discovery of big booty Latinas (BBLs) being transported aboard a[ Venezuelan vessel](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/09/02/us-military-caribbean-sea-strike-drug-boat/85945169007/?ref=duffelblog.com). “It is imperative that the possession of [BBLs](https://apnews.com/article/iraq-war-wmds-us-intelligence-f9e21ac59d3a0470d9bfcc83544d706e?ref=duffelblog.com) does not remain in the hands of a despot like Nicolás Maduro,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Newly renamed Secretary of War briefly feels something other than crippling insecurity URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/newly-renamed-secretary-of-war-briefly-feels-something-other-than-crippling-insecurity/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:02:19.000Z THE PENTAGON — Following a brief ceremony in which President Donald Trump acknowledged that he’s actually okay with [preferred pronouns](https://www.whitehouse.gov/fact-sheets/2025/09/fact-sheet-president-donald-j-trump-restores-the-united-states-department-of-war/?ref=duffelblog.com), Duffel Blog had the unique opportunity to spend the day with freshly rebranded Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “I’ll level with you — most mornings I wake up feeling like a tabless bitch who can’t pull up or pull pussy,” Hegseth confessed. “But I look at my new nameplate and feel something stirring in my loins besides the usual crippling insecurity.” The Trump administration had long teased a name change for the Defense Department, and Hegseth explained the rationale during the ceremony. “We won World War II — but then Eisen-something, the president guy, and that other guy went woke and changed it to ‘Defense,’” he said. MAGA world has often criticized those early leaders, whose wokeness was famously defined by turning Germany into a gravel pit and dropping two suns on Japan. “From now on the War Department is into maximum lethality, not tepid legality,” continued Hegseth. “Like that boat we popped a few days ago — was it drugs, or was it [maybe immigrants](https://bsky.app/profile/ericumansky.bsky.social/post/3lxxvhq7kdc2x?ref=duffelblog.com)? Was it legal or wasn’t it? I don’t know and neither will you since we sank all the evidence and [fired all the JAGs](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2025/02/24/people-are-very-scared-trump-administration-purge-of-jag-officers-raises-legal-ethical-fears.html?ref=duffelblog.com). What I do know is that watching that video is the closest I’ve gotten in months to even a half-chub. Yeah, Marco knows what I’m talking about; we don’t call him ‘Rub-ee-oh’ around here for nothing.” But as the day wore on, reality crept back into Hegseth’s awareness. Sneaking into the bathroom newly redesignated as the WAR HEAD, he found [fresh latrinalia](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-budget-plan-just-stick-figure/) mocking unfounded rumors of his whiskey dick. “Goddammit, I told the janitors [to paint over this shit](https://x.com/acyn/status/1964083363670798802?s=61&t=f8jDDfbaJ5pNR%5FxKVTHMRQ&ref=duffelblog.com),” he muttered. Attempts to text his wife for a morale boost went unanswered, and his triumphant social media posts received a muted reception from his old unit. A quickly deleted tweet suggested they were “meh” about his promotion. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/09/data-src-image-f86077b2-c529-437d-8774-c910729d8c4c.png) _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Department of War loses access to $1 trillion DoD budget after name change URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-loses-access-to-1-trillion-dod-budget-after-name-change/ Last updated: 2026-05-13T15:48:05.000Z WASHINGTON — Pentagon leadership were stunned this morning to find they no longer had access to the nearly $1 trillion budget approved for the Department of Defense following its recent name change to the Department of War, sources confirmed today. A senior official from the Department of War Comptroller’s office told reporters that the problem stemmed from the fact that the Defense Appropriations Bill listed the nation’s largest government department as the Department of Defense and not by its new moniker. While seemingly trivial, the executive order mandating the name change was not authorized by Congress, preventing the department from depositing the appropriation check in its Pentagon Federal Credit Union account. “I can’t deposit the funds if the name on the check doesn’t match the name on the account,” a PenFed teller told Secretary of War and Hair Products Pete Hegseth. “This check clearly states, ‘pay to the order of the Department of Defense.’” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth announces Pentagon will stop fighting wars, focus on lethality URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T21:59:37.000Z WASHINGTON — In a surprising pivot that has upended the national security establishment, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this morning that the Department of Defense will cease all operations related to warfighting and instead shift its entire focus toward lethality. “War is not lethality," Hegseth said in an announcement video while wearing a sequined American flag cowboy hat and mounted on a horse that was standing on an Abrams tank in the Pentagon's parking lot. "Lethality is a bigger concept,” he said. “It's more of a mindset or a vibe than a coherent capability you can measure. In fact, it is my understanding that lethality can't really be defined at all. It literally isn't in the dictionary, right?" asked Hegseth while he looked at Senior Advisor for Flags in the Background Ricky Buria, who nodded vigorously and gave the defense secretary a thumbs up while holding the horse's reins. "President Trump kept forwarding me these videos of guys from Russia or China or North Korea jumping through flaming hoops or screaming their heads off, and he kept asking why we couldn't do that," said Hegseth. "And he wasn't buying our explanation that when they actually tested us, like at [Khasham](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle%5Fof%5FKhasham?ref=duffelblog.com), we basically killed every last one of them. What we eventually realized was that it wasn't about what we could do at war, or even about killing the enemy. It was about *lethality*." Hegseth then explained his vision of lethality. "We all know that perception is reality, it's one of the big things I learned as a captain ten years ago," he began. "Even kids know it. If you show them an Olympian with a gold medal for wrestling and a guy from the WWE and ask which one's a better wrestler, they'll pick the pro wrestler every time. That's lethality, an intuitive understanding based on perception, not metrics and data that can be skewed and interpreted whichever way." "My new directive aims to use investments in lethality and divestments of warfighting to turn the Department of Defense from an Olympian into a pro wrestler." Highlights of Hegseth's plan include: - **Deterrence selfies**: To enhance lethality while also conserving funds, instead of using forward deployments to deter enemies and rivals by demonstrating the ease and speed of force projection, the services will focus on having troops deter foreign enemies by taking pictures of themselves holding weapons in training and posting them to social media. - **Disbanding TRANSCOM and DLA**: This will be done partly because projecting vibes of lethality requires far less sustainment than supporting forces with transportation, food, fuel, and ammunition, but mostly because "logistics is boring" and having trans in the name makes TRANSCOM "sound gay." - **Scrapping the Fleet**: The surface fleet will be scrapped and turned into razor blades that will be used to [force black service members](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2025/06/27/new-army-shaving-policy-will-allow-soldiers-skin-condition-affects-mostly-black-men-be-kicked-out.html?ref=duffelblog.com) with pseudofolliculitis to shave. Hegseth repeatedly emphasized that regardless of the lethality initiative's sweeping changes, [beards would remain prohibited](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-study-finds-beards-directly-proportional-to-combat-effectiveness/), partly due to the special forces community's insistence that maintaining their current level of lethality required having at least some regulations to ignore. - **Less ammo, more accessories**: Following the lead of ICE, all ammunition funds will be redirected to rifle customizations to help service members further express themselves. Due to the lack of ammunition, troops will now train by aiming at targets and making gunfire noises, then observers will decide where they feel the rounds would have impacted based on troops' volume, intensity, rifle builds, and other less tangible lethality factors. - **Callsigns**: All service members will now have a callsign, which they will choose. Hegseth identified this as his single most significant lesson learned from observing Russia's war in Ukraine. Service members will use this unique callsign to begin to flesh out a persona that broadcasts high levels of lethality, and Hegseth suggested the possibility that these callsigns and personas might eventually be tracked on file cards similar to those that came with G.I. Joe action figures in the 1980s. - **War Department**: In a sign that Hegseth may not be totally abandoning the concept of war in his drive for lethality, he announced a return to the name "[War Department.](https://www.cnn.com/2025/09/04/politics/department-of-war-trump-executive-order?ref=duffelblog.com)" However, this was originally the name of the Department of the Army, not the Department of Defense, which was created by combining the War Department with the Department of the Navy in 1947\. As a result of this confusion, the Department of the Army has already returned to the name War Department, while the Department of Defense has been renamed the Also War Department. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Trump recalls Jan 6ers to D.C. URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-recalls-january-six-to-dc/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:35:59.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is calling for the unorthodox activation of [January 6th veterans](https://www.npr.org/2025/08/07/nx-s1-5493197/doj-trump-jan-6-defendant-jared-wise-capitol-riot?ref=duffelblog.com) to augment the [recent extension of a National Guard](https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/army-extends-orders-dc-national-guard-nov-30/story?id=125266247&ref=duffelblog.com) troops deployed in the nation’s capital, White House sources confirmed late last night. The president’s latest domestic show of militarized force follows closely on the heels of his [August 11th directive](https://apnews.com/article/trump-national-guard-washington-army-8de4fca47b84d6b2eeaca59040b7cdb0?ref=duffelblog.com) to activate the National Guard in Washington under Title 32\. Recall of the strike force colloquially known as the “January Sixers" appears to fall under the authority of yet another [executive order](https://www.federalregister.gov/presidential-documents/executive-orders/donald-trump/2025?ref=duffelblog.com) in Trump’s record-setting spree of unilateral actions. “This man can clearly do whatever the fuck he wants,” asserted White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, “and there’s not really anything you or I can do to stop him.” According to staff on duty, Trump bellowed “J6!” and bolted for the White House rooftop, marking the 79-year-old’s [second visit in recent months](https://www.forbes.com/sites/tylerroush/2025/08/05/trump-takes-a-little-walk-on-white-house-roof-after-announcing-200-million-ballroom-plans/?ref=duffelblog.com) to the historical landmark’s more elevated scenes, much to the dismay of his security detail. “I heard \[Trump\] scream ‘J6!’ at the top of his lungs and I assumed someone at WHCA \[White House Communications Agency\] cut off his Internet at his bedtime again,” Secret Service Agent Chad Pyfrom recollected. “Then, when he ran past me and scurried up to the roof, I realized he was talking about *that* ‘J6,’” Pyfrom continued. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Air Force base renamed after Ashli Babbitt URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-base-renamed-after-ashli-babbitt/ Last updated: 2026-04-08T22:47:25.000Z THE PENTAGON — Following the surprise decision to [provide military funeral honors](https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5474030-air-force-to-provide-funeral-honors-to-ashli-babbitt/?ref=duffelblog.com) to Air Force veteran and January 6th tourist Ashli Babbitt, Under Secretary of the Air Force Matthew Lohmeier announced today that Elmendorf Air Force Base will be renamed in her honor. “Honor delayed is honor denied,” stated Lohmeier after quickly looking under his podium [for hidden Marxists](https://www.defensenews.com/air/2025/07/24/anti-woke-former-officer-confirmed-as-air-force-undersecretary/?ref=duffelblog.com). “But that ends today. I’m proud to reveal that the Air Force side of Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson will be renamed in her memory. As that base recently [rolled out the red carpet](https://www.reddit.com/r/Military/comments/1mt12oy/us%5Fsoldiers%5Fkneeling%5Fto%5Froll%5Fout%5Fthe%5Fred%5Fcarpet/?ref=duffelblog.com) for another distinguished visitor who likes to [break things](https://www.cnn.com/2025/08/28/europe/ukraine-russia-kyiv-attack-hnk-intl?ref=duffelblog.com), I can think of no location more fitting to eternally bear her name.” The controversy over Babbitt’s military funeral honors first arose after her untimely passing during a visit to the Capitol Building with a few of her friends on Jan. 6, 2021\. “Ashli was [engaged in a beautification project](https://wjla.com/news/local/graphic-fatal-shooting-of-ashli-babbitt-in-the-capitol-caught-on-video?video=6266a59f9d34470cb40f9f1e08ddfae9&jwsource=cl&ref=duffelblog.com) at the Capitol when she was ruthlessly gunned down by a DEI hire posing as a policeman,” Lohmeier said. “She was a veteran like any other: she did her time in uniform, filmed [Facebook rants](https://fb.watch/BMAEWaHdsc/?fs=e&ref=duffelblog.com) in the cab of her truck, and occasionally joined in with civic-minded friends to call for the [summary execution of the vice president](https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/politics/rioters-chant-hang-mike-pence-on-jan-6-2021/2022/06/16/3cc093f1-0eb7-427d-8073-b5874ca27e80%5Fvideo.html?ref=duffelblog.com).” ”Maybe the Biden administration thought Ashli’s impish behavior brought ‘discredit to the Air Force,’ but I wasn’t going to let this stand on my watch,” continued Lohmeier. “The image of Ashli bravely mounting the barricade while Markwayne Mullin [pissed himself](https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story%5Ffbid=pfbid0g5x52yvCx96B6jiBqhGCCoQzBX3R2LzuAeh5Vnj6TMiJ8FMpuEcVG5f6yu7sWW6zl&id=100067398983405&ref=duffelblog.com) hearkened back to great moments in American arms like the raising of the flag on Iwo Jima. To me, they’re basically the same picture.” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/09/data-src-image-fbfb4cb9-dd9c-4f4a-a41e-9757baadb36a.png) Pretty much the same thing Lohmeier noted that the newly-dubbed Joint Base Babbitt-Richardson was only the first in a new round of base redesignations to be undertaken by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ICE partners with Taliban to round up Afghan interpreters URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:33:38.000Z WASHINGTON — U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced today that it has entered into a “groundbreaking and mutually beneficial security arrangement” with the Taliban to help identify, track, and deport Afghan interpreters who aided American forces during the 20-year war, along with their spouses and children. “America comes first — not foreigners, allies, or people who put their lives on the line for our country in a faraway land,” said Acting ICE Director Todd Lyons at a press conference alongside DHS Secretary Kristi Noem and Taliban Border and Tribal Affairs Minister Norullah Noori. Noori called ICE “a natural ally” with “excellent tactics, techniques and procedures when it comes to indiscriminate, unaccountable brute force,” adding that, “we don’t quite understand why they’re covering their faces — are they women?” Under the agreement, the Taliban will offer “on-the-ground expertise” in displacing and shattering the lives of former interpreters and their families. In exchange, ICE will share “lessons learned” about family separation policies and the treatment of unwanted women and children, which Taliban representatives described as “forward-thinking and inspirational.” Responses from the international community varied, with Russia lauding the move as “instrumental in the global struggle against people who trust America.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon finds Hegseth pullups as root cause of failures in Iraq, Afghanistan URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-finds-hegseth-pullups-as-root-cause-of-failures-in-iraq-afghanistan/ Last updated: 2025-08-29T18:34:02.000Z THE PENTAGON — A long-awaited Pentagon audit has confirmed the root cause of America’s failures in Iraq and Afghanistan: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s atrocious pull-up form, officials announced today. “I figured the audit would just say what every vet bro already knows — that we lost because of DEI, fluoridated water, and Milley’s ‘Pegging for Pennies’ CFC fundraiser,” said SES Stuart Scheller, a senior advisor in the [Office of the Under Secretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness](https://x.com/stuartscheller/status/1881325436619153694?ref=duffelblog.com), who now demands to be addressed only as ‘SES Scheller,’ ‘Warfighting 6,’ or ‘Petey’s Pixie.’ “But the findings shocked me so much you could’ve screwed me with a [plastic chess piece in an abandoned school bus](https://youtu.be/Lj4RHa0G1Bk?si=va%5FFeJgu8FVYfDDe&ref=duffelblog.com) and I’d have forgotten to say ‘thank you.’ Turns out the real problem was Secretary Hegseth kipping like a [goddamn boot on the pull-up bar.”](https://www.irishstar.com/news/us-news/pete-hegseth-pullup-video-rfk-35755775?ref=duffelblog.com) The audit detailed how Hegseth routinely failed to dead hang, lock out his arms, or break the plane with his chin — errors that senior officials now say directly caused the collapse of both Iraq and Afghanistan. ## You're not on the roster This is a **mandatory fun* event. Enter your email below, or we’ll extend training by two hours. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. “As Pete’s first wife would say, he’s as bad at pulling up as he is at pulling out,” Scheller lamented. Fallout was swift. Zyn canceled its planned sponsorship of a “Hegseth Leg Day” competition. Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell quietly deleted a tweet demanding all troops meet Marine Corps PT standards. And after reviewing the footage, fired Air Force Gen. C.Q. Brown said he was “pretty sure” Hegseth blamed his poor form on the black pull-up bar. Scheller admitted in hindsight the signs were always there. “He loved to brag about the Bronze Stars he got for training local forces in counterterrorism,” Scheller said. “If only more of us watched the video of how [he actually trained them](https://youtu.be/nCeb-XTq7iw?si=QJ7xjhWT8xE62ZSD&ref=duffelblog.com), we could’ve saved our great nation a lot of embarrassment.” At press time, Hegseth’s two ex-wives and five former mistresses issued a joint statement endorsing the audit’s findings, noting that none of them were surprised that he doesn’t go down all the way on pull-ups either. 🖊️ ***Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh** *finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.* **Thunder Chicken, Gray Sea Liu, Grumpy, BYOBooyah, and P.J. O’Leary also contributed to this story.* ![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!qnxF!,w_2400,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F341b4225-d4ac-4e78-a243-3ec2ab73c01f_1200x440.png) - [**'We're making real progress,' say last 17 commanders in Afghanistan**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/were-making-real-progress-say-last-17-commanders-in-afghanistan) - [**Soldier Who Said He'd Fight War So 'Son Wouldn't Have To' Feels Like An Asshole Right Now**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/afghan-war) - [**Afghanistan donates 50 MRAPs and Bagram Air Field to Ukraine**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/the-taliban-donate-50-stryker-vehicles-and-bagram-air-base-to-the-ukrainians) - [**U.S. Sends 10,000 Green Berets To Iraq**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/green-berets-iraq) - [**US accidentally re-invades Iraq**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/us-accidentally-re-invades-iraq) SPONSORED [![CTA Image](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/2025/08/ezgif-828829c5685acf-2.gif)](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) [****Shop Duffel Blog**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) Looking for the perfect gift for the veteran in your life—or just trying to trigger your chain of command? **🔥 Stock up on some dangerously funny gear now from the** [***Duffel Blog Shop**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)***.** [Check it out → ](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) ### Duffel Blog’s guide to failing your sleep study URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-failing-your-24-02-26-2/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T16:45:33.000Z You’ve been preparing for this moment for 20 years.. Now it’s time to get that VA disability rating so you can finally admit you have a bad back, bad knees, bad ankles, and a bad life. It’s time for you to also fail your sleep study. After two decades of dedicated service, aching joints, functional (up for debate) alcoholism, and the occasional existential crisis, the time has finally come. Fear not, Duffel Blog has you covered with foolproof tips to ensure you bomb that test with the grace of a seasoned EOD technician. ## Join 20k+ subscribers Duffel Blog is reader-supported. Which means no corporate sponsors. Yet. Join now before we sell naming rights to Lockheed Martin. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. ### **BRING SOME FIREWORKS** Sure, you could rely on the standard-issue tossing and turning, but why not make a bang with your exit? Sneak in a pack of firecrackers and set them off mid-study. Just make sure to use a timer, so your hands are clean when the sparks fly. It’s the perfect way to demonstrate your startlingly light sleep. It is highly unlikely that anyone at the sleep clinic will suspect you. ### **BRING YOUR SNORING DOG** This one is self-explanatory. Nothing ruins a good night of sleep like a snoring canine. Bonus points if you bring something massive like a great dane or a mastiff. It doesn’t even have to be a service dog. ### **STAY AWAKE FOR THREE DAYS PRIOR** This one’s a no-brainer. Burn through every season of *M\*A\*S\*H*, go on a Wikipedia deep dive into the history of military rations, or simply reminisce about the good ol’ days of endless field ops. By the time you hit that sleep study bed, you’ll be a walking advert for insomnia. ### **SHOW UP INTOXICATED** Remember, it’s not about the journey; it’s about the destination. Showing up smelling like a distillery not only highlights your potential sleep apnea but also your dedication to maintaining military traditions. Just mumble something about “liquid courage” and you’re golden. ### **DON’T GET UP TO USE THE BATHROOM** Channel your inner sentry and hold your position all night. It’s a known fact that the more discomfort you’re in, the less likely you are to fall into a deep sleep. Also, if you soil yourself you’re guaranteed to be flagged for having *something* wrong with you. ### **LOAD UP** Eat a ton of beans. Baked beans; beans and rice; whatever you can get your hands on. You will undoubtedly wake yourself up dozens of times an hour with cloud upon cloud upon clouds eminating from beneath the sheets.. More importantly, the smell of toasty swamps and musty lettuce may trigger some PTSD from trying to sleep in that dusty cardboard B-hut in Afghanistan with 30 of your closest unwashed friends – causing you to yell out at least a couple times throughout the night. **DISCLAIMER:** Before you dive headfirst into these unorthodox methods, remember, your VA rating is a sacred reflection of the trials and tribulations faced in the line of duty. It should encapsulate everything from your heroic tolerance to alcohol to your profound understanding of military jargon that, frankly, has no place in polite society. So, as you embark on this final mission, approach it with the same integrity and honesty that got you through those endless formations. After all, the real victory lies in conquering the bureaucracy with the truth of your service, one painstaking form at a time. Godspeed, and may your disability rating be as high as your spirits during a 96-hour liberty. ***As For Class** *is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.* **Whiskey Fueled Tirade contributed to reporting.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2025/08/7505866d-0306-4fba-9140-44a7a181c665_1200x440.webp) - [**DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: The Platoon Sergeant's guide to dealing with Lieutenants**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/the-platoon-sergeants-guide-to-dealing-with-lieutenants) - [**Duffel Blog Presents: The 10 dumbest military phrases**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/duffel-blogs-top-10-dumbest-military) - [**Duffel Blog’s Guide to joining a foreign military**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/duffel-blogs-guide-to-joining-a-foreign) - [**Duffel Blog's guide to making a horrific aviation accident about your politics**](https://www.duffelblog.com/p/duffel-blogs-guide-to-making-a-horrific) SPONSORED [![CTA Image](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/2025/08/ezgif-828829c5685acf-2.gif)](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) [****Shop Duffel Blog**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) Looking for the perfect gift for the veteran in your life—or just trying to trigger your chain of command? **🔥 Stock up on some dangerously funny gear now from the** [***Duffel Blog Shop**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)***.** [Check it out → ](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) ### Pentagon changes rear admiral rank to something less gay URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-changes-rear-admiral-rank/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T15:50:58.000Z WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has directed the Department of the Navy to rename the rank of "rear admiral" to something “less suggestive and more intimidating,” according to a memo circulated Monday. The policy, part of a broader military modernization initiative known as Project Iron Manhood, will phase out the term rear admiral by fiscal year 2026\. In its place, the Navy will adopt the title Maritime Command Admiral (Forward Facing). The change is expected to affect more than 150 flag officers across the fleet, along with thousands of PowerPoint slides, parking signs, and nameplates in the Pentagon. Defense officials say the move is intended to reduce confusion and superficial language in rank nomenclature and to promote a culture of what the memo refers to as operational masculinity. The change marks the Pentagon’s latest step in a sweeping campaign to rebrand the armed forces leadership, which has emphasized traditional values, warfighting spirit, and the elimination of what has been described as language ambiguities that risk eroding combat lethality. According to internal briefing slides reviewed by reporters, Navy officials considered several alternative titles for the rank before settling on the new designation. Runners-up included Tactical Admiral, Combat Admiral, and Executive War Admiral, the latter rejected due to concerns that it “sounded too anime.” The current rear admiral title, used for centuries by naval forces worldwide, originated from the days of sail when admirals commanding the rear squadron of a fleet were designated as such. Historians note the term has never been linked to anatomical references or personal lifestyles, but Pentagon officials acknowledged that modern interpretation has made the rank a recurring source of levity among junior enlisted personnel, civilian contractors, and anyone with access to social media. Indeed, a recent report from the RAND Corporation, *Sexual Semantics in Service Culture: The Case of the Rear Admiral,* found that over 71 percent of enlisted sailors admitted to smirking when hearing the rank spoken aloud. Of those, 22 percent said they did not believe it was a real title, and 13 percent assumed it was “some kind of hazing thing.” The same report cited widespread confusion among ROTC cadets, 10 percent of whom believed “rear admiral” was a ceremonial title awarded to Navy drag queens during Pride Month. Fleet leadership has voiced mixed reactions to the rebranding. In internal correspondence, senior officers raised concerns about the cost and complexity of the change, particularly on organizational charts and joint-service briefings. One internal white paper from Pacific Fleet warned the rank change could “create friction” with allied navies and “require significant retraining of automated voice systems aboard aircraft carriers.” Still, the Department of Defense remains confident the move will strengthen perceptions of professionalism. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### National Guard mobilized to pick fruit URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-mobilized-to-pick/ Last updated: 2026-09-26T05:51:49.000Z TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has mobilized the Florida National Guard to pick fruit, sources confirmed today. “We grew dependent on hard working people doing backbreaking labor for low pay,” DeSantis said. “So we threw them out of the country and now our fields are full of rotting fruit. I don’t think anyone could’ve seen that coming. That is why today, I am activating the entire Florida National Guard to fix the problem we created.” Activating the National Guard was DeSantis’ last resort to save the year's orange crop. The initial plan — do nothing — failed almost immediately. And changing child labor laws to allow 14 year-olds to work in 100 degree heat was dismissed as “On God I ain’t doing that fr.” So DeSantis, seemingly out of options, turned to the National Guard. “This is a great day for Florida,” DeSantis told reporters. “We are continuing in the long history of using our military to further American business interests at home and abroad. Who better to exploit than Florida’s finest?” But experts pointed out that ‘Florida’s finest’ is a low bar. Maj. Gen. John Haas, Adjutant General of Florida, described the plan. “We have a three-pronged approach,” he said. “First, we will get our soldiers out into the fields picking fruit. Second, restaurants are reporting labor shortages so we’ll send people to go wash their dishes. That will be females only, SECDEF’s orders. Third, a lot of residents say they need people to work an odd job for a day or two. We’ll have our soldiers gather in accessible places, like in front of Home Depot, to help them out.” At press time, DeSantis was considering activating the Air National Guard to do the jobs the activated Army National Guardsmen would have been doing. When asked how to fill the jobs of the Air National Guard, DeSantis suggested bringing in people from somewhere else. ***Red Friday** **wants you to remember EVERYONE deployed.* ### Chimp hanging upside down from lectern named new Pentagon spokesman URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/chimp-hanging-upside-down-from-lectern/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T16:43:44.000Z WASHINGTON — The Pentagon’s newest spokesman introduced himself today in an unorthodox manner — hanging upside down over the Department of Defense seal, wearing nothing but a crisply ironed American flag tie. Apey, a chimpanzee with what officials describe as “extensive public affairs experience,” has been hired to brief reporters and answer questions on behalf of the entire DoD. ## Sign up for Duffel Blog Our stories confuse generals, irritate public affairs officers, and occasionally make a junior officer cry. Join the ranks with a subscription below.👇 Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. “I’m Mr. Apey and I had a long public affairs career at Fort Bliss—sorry, the El Paso Zoo,” he signed. “At the zoo, I learned to manipulate people for snacks. Which is basically the GS-13 position description.” A Pentagon press release notes Apey learned sign language from the legendary public affairs officer Lance Cpl. Koko — a gorilla whose ability to communicate with humans famously led to an ape uprising in 2015 that required most of 10th Special Forces Group (Airborne) to suppress during Operation JADE HELM. With further training, Apey mastered the key Pentagon skill of deflecting hard questions by blaming whichever political party is out of power. “Apey watch spokesapes,” he signed. “Apey blame everyone else. Apey get more food. Apey nap with full belly. Apey get annual cash award. Apey spend on watermelon and THC gummies. Just like real spokesperson. He’s better than [Psaki](https://nypost.com/2022/05/13/jen-psakis-final-briefing-is-chaos-simon-ateba-heckles/?ref=duffelblog.com),” said one veteran media executive. “And unlike most spokespeople, when he flings crap at you, you actually see it coming.” Leaping onto the podium and flinging a banana peel at the press pool, Apey signed, “Me better than KJP — or that white-trash blonde at the White House.” Donning reading glasses, he announced the creation of a new Directorate of Bananas, to be headquartered in Norfolk, Va., with a stand-up ceremony scheduled to coincide with the arrival of the next banana cargo ship. “Apey can’t wait day and moon,” he signed. “Apey call Elon. Banana tariffs bad. Elon fix. No bad tariff. Food food.” He then delivered an in-depth briefing on China, the Ukraine war, and the Pentagon’s worsening banana quality crisis — before shrieking, showing his butt, and grinning at the cameras. Asked if he had the skills for the job, Apey became agitated, slapped his face with one enormous hand, and signed: “My brain is 400cc, yours is 1400cc. But I use all mine. You watch TikTok on government time and sing Burger King jingles on military watches worldwide. Who the real apes?” He went on: “My top boss is a serial creep with a booze problem, his boss is a felon with gold-plated everything who grabs women somewhere bad. And you question *me*? “Look — my facial prognathism is nothing compared to [Pete Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/) and Matt Gaetz. Check their brow ridges. Those guys beat me by a mile.” With that, Apey climbed down from the lectern and curled up in the arms of longtime Pentagon reporter Jennifer Griffin of Fox News — the only human he reportedly trusts. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/6b9776d8-dfb2-4572-ac22-fcdd671f18fb_1200x440.png) - [**Pentagon launches 'See Something Stupid, Say Something Stupid' campaign**](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-unveils-new-see-something/) - [**DoD Recognizes Your Wife's Boyfriend As A Dependent**](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-military-dependents-jody/) - [**Good Idea Fairy revealed as O-3 in Pentagon basement**](https://www.duffelblog.com/good-idea-fairy-pentagon-basement/) - [**Pentagon to build $6.8 billion center to combat fraud, waste, and abuse**](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-defense-to-open-6-8-billion-center-of-excellence-to-combat-fraud-waste-and-abuse/) SPONSORED [![CTA Image](https://duffel-blog.ghost.io/content/images/2025/08/ezgif-828829c5685acf-2.gif)](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) [****Shop Duffel Blog**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) Looking for the perfect gift for the veteran in your life—or just trying to trigger your chain of command? **🔥 Stock up on some dangerously funny gear now from the** [***Duffel Blog Shop**](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)***.** [Check it out → ](https://shop.duffelblog.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) ### D.C. Man forgets to thank guardsman for his service while being detained URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dc-man-forgets-to-thank-guardsman/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:34:48.000Z WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what many are calling an egregious display of disrespect and possibly treason, local resident Robert Hernandez reportedly forgot to thank a National Guardsman for his service during his arrest, sources confirmed today. “I feel awful, I am ashamed,” Hernandez confessed on a recorded jailhouse phone call. “This young man was doing his duty, protecting freedom in the Jersey Mike’s parking lot, and I completely forgot to thank him while he zip-tied me near the Whole Food’s cart return.” Several bystanders said they were appalled by the blatant lack of gratitude. “Private Haskel is an American hero,” one witness told reporters. “He’s out here risking his life to defend his country from whatever was going on in that luxury strip mall and this piece of shit doesn’t even say thank you? This is how Rome fell.” Hernandez’s wife, Sylvia, admitted she felt conflicted. “I know my husband didn’t mean to disrespect the troops, he was just picking up lunch. But the Guardsman was doing his duty. He tackled Bob so hard into the curb that his sub exploded across the pavement. You don’t just not thank someone after that kind of dedication to their nation.” Reached for comment, Private Haskel, the Guardsman in question, admitted it can be confusing. “One second people are screaming that I’m a jackbooted thug, the next they’re asking for a selfie and buying me a round of Fireball. Honestly, I just wanted to pay for college,” Haskel said. At press time, Hernandez was drafting a handwritten apology card addressed to “All Service Members, Past and Present” which he plans to read aloud at his arraignment on undeclared charges. ### Putin meets with high-level asset in Alaska URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-meets-with-high-level-asset/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:48:24.000Z JOINT BASE ELMENDORF-RICHARDSON, ALASKA — CIA sources confirmed today that an asset in a “highly-placed role” with the U.S. government is meeting with his Russian handlers at a military base in Alaska. The sources noted that the asset — known in national security circles and Signal chats as ‘Agent Orange 4547’ — “inexplicably leveraged his position to invite a Russian spymaster and what we can only assume is an army of spies onto one of the most strategically important bases in the Asia-Pacific region.” Sources in the U.S. intelligence community confirmed an uptick in “weird reports” from a state that is already known as “super-weird” ahead of the meet. “We’re still seeing the usual people dressed in polar bear suits trying to take photos of C-17s,” commented an analyst, “but all of the Russian strippers trying to marry E-2s to get on base have ceased operations. Intercepts are saying something around ‘we’ve got what we need at the top.” Recent communications among Russian sources has also offered insight into the meeting’s purpose. “We have heard conversations with phrases like ‘legitimizing obviously immoral and illegal invasions,’ ‘[selling out](https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/trump-revealed-highly-classified-information-to-russian-foreign-minister-and-ambassador/2017/05/15/530c172a-3960-11e7-9e48-c4f199710b69%5Fstory.html?ref=duffelblog.com) the free world,’ and ‘absolutely [mind-blowing return on investment](https://themoscowproject.org/reports/putins-payout-10-ways-trump-has-supported-putins-foreign-policy-agenda/index.html?ref=duffelblog.com),” said another analyst. “It’s hard to figure out what they’re talking about,” he added. The high-level asset reportedly assured his visitors that NATO was still “[the worst trade deal](https://www.npr.org/2024/02/11/1230658309/trump-would-encourage-russia-to-attack-nato-allies-who-dont-pay-bills?ref=duffelblog.com) in the history of trade deals, [maybe ever](https://archive.ph/exazO?ref=duffelblog.com),” and reaffirmed that “[Putin is really a](https://www.usnews.com/news/politics/articles/2025-04-14/the-literally-dozens-of-times-donald-trump-has-praised-vladimir-putin?ref=duffelblog.com) strong leader, [very strong](https://www.cnn.com/2022/03/28/politics/trump-putin-ukraine-russia-smart?ref=duffelblog.com). He kills people. [That’s tough leadership, folks.”](https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/haley-campaign-press-release-video-trumps-embrace-dictators-puts-america-risk?ref=duffelblog.com) In unrelated news, the President of the United States of America welcomed a heinous, adversarial dictator onto American soil to discuss the fate of a sovereign country on a different continent, 4,371 miles away — [a country not even present](https://www.nbcnews.com/world/ukraine/trump-putin-alaska-zelenskyy-ukraine-russia-war-europe-rcna224227?ref=duffelblog.com) at the table — [whose future could determine](https://www.france24.com/en/europe/20250813-russia-makes-biggest-24-hour-advance-in-eastern-ukraine-ahead-of-alaska-summit?ref=duffelblog.com) whether tomorrow’s world is [ruled by brute force](https://muse.jhu.edu/article/860240?ref=duffelblog.com) or bound by rules, cooperation, and peace. Americans responded by talking for 20 uninterrupted minutes about their fantasy football draft. ### Adm. McRaven hasn’t made his bed in years, sources say URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/adm-mcraven-hasnt-made-his-bed-in/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T22:28:29.000Z CORONADO, Calif. — Retired Navy Adm. William McRaven, the former Navy SEAL who once told an entire generation to “[make your bed](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sK3wJAxGfs&ref=duffelblog.com)” if they wanted to change the world, hasn’t tucked a corner or fluffed a pillow since 2014, sources confirmed after a classified intervention led by five of America’s most combat-hardened motivational operators. The report, first leaked by a Fort Bragg housekeeper who also moonlights as a [RUMINT](https://www.cia.gov/stories/story/how-to-sound-like-a-spy-five-colloquialisms-at-cia/?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=5%29%20%E2%80%9C-,I%20heard%20some%20RUMINT,-...%E2%80%9D) source for gossip, alleges that McRaven’s bed has been in a state of continuous tactical disorder since his 2014 University of Texas commencement address. The team of elite motivators descended on McRaven’s home last week for an off-the-books domestic accountability raid. “He said it was symbolic,” said retired Sgt. Maj. [Mike Vining](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike%5FVining?ref=duffelblog.com), who led the intervention alongside Gen. [Stanley McChrystal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley%5FA.%5FMcChrystal?ref=duffelblog.com), [Jesse Ventura](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesse%5FVentura?ref=duffelblog.com), [David Goggins](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David%5FGoggins?ref=duffelblog.com), and [Jonny Kim](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonny%5FKim?ref=duffelblog.com). Inspired by the intervention scene in the 1996 film [Swingers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWCct8XbQD0&ref=duffelblog.com), the men surrounded McRaven while he nervously held a fitted sheet like it was a grenade. “We’re not here to make you feel bad,” said Kim. “It’s been over a decade and this duvet has more loose ends than the Afghanistan withdrawal in 2021.” “He told us making the bed made him feel like he was back in Bagram under indirect fire,” said Goggins. “We told him he was in a craftsman-style bungalow in Austin, Texas and the only indirect fire he’s taken came from a podcast comment section.” Ventura was more direct: “I used to share a sleeping bag with a Chechen double agent in Paraguay,” he said while raising his voice, “I still made the bed afterward because I respect myself[, and I fear the lizard people](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vfGlYK0xhE&ref=duffelblog.com).” ## Sign up for Duffel Blog Our stories confuse generals, irritate public affairs officers, and occasionally make a junior officer cry. ****If you’re into that, join the ranks with a subscription below.👇** Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. The intervention uncovered other disturbing trends. McRaven’s once regimented morning routine has allegedly devolved into a shameful spiral of lukewarm coffee and inspirational quote retweets to feel alive again. Veterans of the special operations community are shaken. Many had modeled their entire adult lives around McRaven’s bed-centric philosophy, including multiple Marine colonels who now live in tiny houses made of hospital corners and mattress springs. Still, before his death in 2021, SEAL Team 6 founder [Richard Marcinko](https://www.twz.com/43667/enlisted-seal-team-six-operators-piloted-leased-aircraft-according-to-founder-richard-marcinko?ref=duffelblog.com) had long predicted McRaven’s descent into the abyss. “He was a bright guy, but he didn’t like my rude and crude way,” Marcinko said in a 2007 interview during a bar fight at a Hooters near Quantico, Virginia. “Bill took the specialout of special warfare by being too disciplined and professional.” During the intervention, Ventura reintroduced the ‘clown drill,’ where munchkin circus performers wearing miniature BDUs screamed at McRaven while slapping him with paddles. “[THIS IS WHAT THE BEDS TAUGHT YOU, BILL](https://www.duffelblog.com/fat-lazy-fuck-makes-bed/),” they yelled. “WHO’S GOING TO CARRY THE BOATS?!” Meanwhile, [Tim Kennedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim%5FKennedy%5F%28fighter%29?ref=duffelblog.com), a former UFC middleweight and Green Beret, crashed through the window mid-intervention like a CrossFit [Kool-Aid Man](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQTL9hTfzDU&ref=duffelblog.com), fueled by tactical rage and protein powder. “I just made my bed with a burning knife.” Kennedy, whose resume includes MMA champion, sheepdog coffee influencer, and “guy you accidentally follow on Instagram,” challenged McRaven to a fight. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pete Hegseth thrown onto court at WNBA game URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pete-hegseth-thrown-onto-court-at/ Last updated: 2025-10-09T21:04:15.000Z CHICAGO — ­The WNBA has surged in popularity thanks to the star power of newcomers like Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese, but it’s also attracted fan-initiated disruptions to games in recent weeks. That was disturbingly clear at an August 9 matchup between the Golden State Valkyries and Chicago Sky when Defense Secretary[ Pete Hegseth was thrown](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/A9Z3I2GpCAk?ref=duffelblog.com) from the stands onto the court. “[It’s super disrespectful](https://wsvn.com/sports/its-super-disrespectful-wnba-players-exasperated-after-sex-toy-thrown-onto-court-for-second-time-in-a-week/?ref=duffelblog.com),” said Elizabeth Williams, center for the Chicago Sky. “I don’t really get the point of it. It’s really immature.” Fans and commentators seemed to agree with Williams, with many speculating that tossing Hegseth, long dogged by [allegations of impropriety against women](https://apnews.com/article/hegseth-sex-assault-payment-trump-6674cc8cfee654c374725948e01ff666?ref=duffelblog.com), was meant to belittle the athletes’ accomplishments. “[When you’re flinging \[Hegseth](https://www.reddit.com/r/wnba/comments/1mfekk6/the%5Fduality%5Fof%5Fthe%5Fwnba/?ref=duffelblog.com)\] at underpaid female athletes many of whom are openly gay…?” one Reddit user wrote, “Yeah, that checks out.” This is not the first time the Secretary of Defense has been hurled onto the court at a WNBA game, and some players fear a trend. “[Stop throwing \[Hegseth](https://sports.yahoo.com/article/stop-throwing-dildos-court-sophie-125400290.html?ref=duffelblog.com)\] on the court…” said Sophie Cunningham, guard for the Indiana Fever, “you’re going to hurt one of us.” At the Friday night game, no one seemed comfortable touching Hegseth after he flopped down the court and came to a rest out of bounds, and several players were visibly repulsed. Finally, an employee threw a towel over Hegseth for modesty, and he was carried away by a[ police officer wearing rubber gloves](https://sports.yahoo.com/article/sex-toy-thrown-court-during-132005546.html?ref=duffelblog.com), likely to avoid disease. Despite the uproar, there’s evidence that letting Hegseth fly is a modern-day sports tradition that predates his present office, a ritual without politically fraught undertones, simply meant to incarnate any sentiment best expressed by an airborne Hegseth landing at your enemy’s feet. The Buffalo Bills’ legendary fan “Mafia,” responsible for[ tossing Hegseth](https://sports.yahoo.com/bills-mafia-patriots-dildo-throw-new-era-field-174947843.html?ref=duffelblog.com) at the New England Patriots during both dispiriting losses and rousing victories, even established de facto rules. For example, they demanded authenticity, warning would-be participants to never use an impersonator, but to “[Bring an authentic \[Hegseth\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/buffalobills/comments/dauskc/dildos%5F101%5Fdildos%5Fand%5Fdildonts%5Fa%5Fbrief%5Fguide%5Fto/?ref=duffelblog.com) to the game.” Still, others were angry about the media attention paid to Hegseth’s unscheduled appearances. “The same people who couldn’t bring themselves to criticize[ Joe Biden](https://www.reddit.com/r/surrealmemes/comments/s29ows/oh%5Fshit%5Fi%5Faccidentally%5Fmade%5Fa%5Fsoup%5Fsandwich/?ref=duffelblog.com) are suddenly up in arms about a few pranked lesbians,” said Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell. “Well allow me to set you straight: he demands the same respect on the WNBA court as he does at the[ Pentagon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8FXC9fODQs&ref=duffelblog.com).” [Leave a comment](#ghost-comments-root) 🖊️ ***Bernard Buttersquash** *is pretty sure he can’t get recalled to active duty but refuses to google it* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/097ca8a2-9240-4722-aded-de31d287e41e_1200x440.png) - [**Pentagon releases list of approved racial and sexual epithets**](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-release-list-of-authorized/) - [**Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef**](https://www.duffelblog.com/dear-god-horror-struck-james-mattis/) - [**Hegseth vows to implement new 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' drinking policy**](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-vows-to-implement-new-dont/) - [**DOGE vows to reduce Pentagon to Triangle**](https://www.duffelblog.com/doge-vows-to-reduce-pentagon-to-triangle/) - [**Pentagon reveals soldiers have eaten cats and dogs for decades**](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-says-soldiers-have-eaten-cats/) ### Trump gets Greenland in blockbuster three-way trade with Spain URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:40:08.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has long coveted Greenland, and he finally secured it as the international territorial trade deadline approached. “It’s a beautiful country. Well, state. Now it’s our beautiful 51st state. Canada could have been that. I told the prime minister he was never going to get a better deal than 51\. Now he’ll have to settle for 52, which is not as good as 51,” Trump said. To make the deal, sources say, Denmark will send the autonomous region of Greenland to the United States. In return, the United States will give Puerto Rico to Spain, and Spain will cede Catalonia and two North African overseas territories to be named later to Denmark. Spain originally selected Puerto Rico in the 1511 draft, but the United States later acquired the Caribbean island in 1898 in what then-General Manager George Dewey called “a splendid little trade” after Spain was relegated to the Mediterranean League. After relegation, Spain became an important member of the minor leagues as a developmental franchise. In 1937, it honed the skills of many of the players who contended for the world championship from 1940 to 1945. Spain has long coveted a return to the Caribbean market. “We’re back!” a Spanish official said on condition of anonymity because he wasn’t included in the Signal chat. “Next stop: Cuba!” Denmark may have gotten the best of the deal, experts say. Catalonia has been demanding a trade almost since the day it originally joined the Spaniards. Denmark believes the trade could be good for Catalonia and Spain. Denmark says it looks forward to improved access to Gibraltar, though long-time division-rival Great Britain isn’t thrilled about it. “Sometimes, you just need a change of scenery,” the Danish leader said. “And this place is way fucking warmer than Greenland. Plus, we love tapas!” As for the United States, everyone is just happy there’s a deal. Trading territory within a division is unusual, especially within the NATO division, which hasn’t seen such a deal since 1945. “It’s much more common in the Eastern Conference, even though those trades are often very one-sided,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. “And Ukraine doesn’t like that and has been holding up a deal with Russia for two-plus years.” Trump has long desired the frigid, icy, barren Greenland for some reason. Off the record, aides say the President is obsessed with Statcast, which predicts a record-setting performance and contention for the Rare Earth Trophy. “But we all know the path to Rare Earth runs through China,” the aide added. “And since our revenue sharing proposals didn’t get anywhere, we can expect them to continue to do so. 🖊️ ***Grumpy** *hates you.* ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/15286113-881c-43a7-a44d-91d91dd76148_1200x440.png) - [**The pros and cons of a Russian propagandist serving as Director of National Intelligence**](https://www.duffelblog.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-a-russian-propagandist/) - [**Marine disappointed Keystone Pipeline not full of beer**](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-disappointed-keystone-pipeline-not-full-beer/) - [**REVEALED: Army historians find 'Message To Garcia' hero actually a bumbling moron**](https://www.duffelblog.com/revealed-message-to-garcia-guy-actually-a-lazy-shiftless-turd/) - [**Vladimir Putin 'Deeply Concerned' Following US Invasion Of Cuba**](https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-cuba-invasion/) ### Fort Hood promises to keep murdering soldiers, despite name change URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-hood-promises-to-keep-murdering/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T20:46:23.000Z FORT ~~HOOD CAVAZOS~~ HOOD, TX — After the U.S. Army officially [renaming the infamous Fort Hood to Fort Cavazos and then back to Fort Hood](https://www.armytimes.com/news/your-army/2025/07/29/fort-cavazos-renamed-fort-hood-honoring-wwi-soldier/?ref=duffelblog.com) in an effort to, quote, “move forward,” Army leaders are assuring the public that absolutely nothing else will change — including the post’s long-standing reputation for systemic dysfunction, unchecked violence, and existential dread. “The name may be newish,” said Lt. Gen. Kevin Admiral, during a ribbon-cutting ceremony, “but our commitment to [opaque investigations and unresolved soldier deaths](https://www.cnn.com/2020/07/25/us/fort-hood-soldier-deaths-trnd?ref=duffelblog.com) remains ironclad. Soldiers stationed at the newly branded Fort ~~Hood Cavazos~~ Hood responded with a shrug. “They put a new sign up by the gate and handed out commemorative coins,” said Spc. Maria Vasquez, whose squad leader mysteriously vanished three weeks ago. “Cool. My barracks still has mold that screams at night.” The installation — long considered the Army’s Bermuda Triangle for career hopes and human rights — underwent a branding refresh following public outcry, multiple Congressional hearings, and a years-long streak of violence, abuse, and neglect that made [*Fort Apache, The Bronx*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort%5FApache,%5FThe%5FBronx?ref=duffelblog.com) look like an MWR picnic. Renaming it after Gen. Richard Cavazos — the Army’s first Hispanic four-star and a certified badass — was meant to symbolize progress. But sources confirm that renaming efforts have done little to exorcise the installation’s core demons. “Soldiers still go missing,” said one chaplain, lighting a sage bundle outside the DFAC. “We just hold vigils under a newer, slightly nicer sign now.” Sources confirmed that, despite the cosmetic update, investigations will continue to be led by the same people who ignored the problem in the first place, victims will be blamed in perpetuity, and the culture of fear will forever thrive in the heart of Texas. An internal memo accidentally [emailed to the entire DoD](https://www.reddit.com/r/army/comments/14jubfl/the%5Fgreat%5Freply%5Fall%5Femail%5Fchain%5Fof%5F2023/?ref=duffelblog.com) summarized the Army’s approach best, “If we change the name fast enough, people might forget the death rate.” At press time, Fort ~~Hood Cavazos~~ Hood officials unveiled a new morale initiative: a giant “VANISHING WALL” outside the HQ, where photos of missing soldiers fade as if Thanos snapped them. The wall was met with applause by senior leaders and tears from literally everyone else. ### Marine commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be now URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-commandant-realizes-this-is/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:32.000Z ARLINGTON, Va — U.S. Marine Commandant Gen. Eric Smith has come to the horrifying realization that it’s just going to keep being like this for a few years, sources confirmed today. “I was checking if my phone was tapped when I realized this isn’t the growing pains of a new administration,” Smith said to reporters at the Pentagon. “We have to accept this is the new normal. The Secretary of Defense thinks he’s competent and doing a good job. There is no congressional inquiry, news story, or scandal that will make him question his decisions. It’s not an act either. He’s just that dumb.” “And even if he gets fired, he was the best person Trump could find,” Smith added. “Imagine the second best.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Naval Academy summer program teaches kids how to be racist, tie knots URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/naval-academy-summer-program-teaches/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:55.000Z ANNAPOLIS, Md. — The U.S. Naval Academy’s prestigious summer seminar, once known for instilling leadership, discipline, and an inexplicable obsession with boats, has unveiled its latest addition to the curriculum: [Personnel Optimization Strategy](https://www.cbsnews.com/baltimore/news/naval-academy-dei-library-books-maryland/?ref=duffelblog.com) (POS), a program designed to help high school students “recognize prejudice by reenacting it in excruciating detail.” The course, launched in collaboration with the [Naval Office of Book Burning](https://www.navy.mil/Press-Office/Press-Releases/display-pressreleases/Article/4146516/list-of-books-removed-from-usna-library/?ref=duffelblog.com) (NOOB), features modules such as “Why Diversity Matters (But Not in 1943),” “[Segregation: A Leadership Challenge](https://viewpointbooks.indiecommerce.com/book/9781540800121?ref=duffelblog.com),” and a live-action simulation where participants must write personnel evaluations using 1950s Navy standards and a pack of Lucky Strikes. “We really want to foster critical thinking,” said Capt. Gilbert E. Clark, Jr., who coordinates the program between rounds of golf and pretending he’s still in command. “If students walk away realizing how awful things used to be, that’s a win. If they walk away thinking it wasn’t so bad — well, the fleet always needs more officers.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon renames Fort Huachuca to Fort Hawk Tua URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-renames-fort-huachuca-to/ Last updated: 2026-05-26T15:41:57.000Z WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has changed the name of Fort Huachuca, Arizona, to Fort Hawk Tua, sources confirmed today. The change comes after what officials vaguely described as an extensive and highly classified review process. Anonymous sources from the Pentagon hinted at a combination of factors for the name change that included a misinterpreted suggestion from a visiting civilian consultant, an unusually high number of hawk sightings in the vicinity of the fort, and a junior staffer’s persistent mispronunciation of the installation’s original name during high-level briefings. The decision has been met with a mixture of bewilderment and muted amusement within the ranks. Many service members have adopted a wait-and-see approach, while others have already begun incorporating the new name into their daily lexicon with a high degree of sarcasm. Lt. Col. Mike Flint, commander of the 2nd Battalion, 13th Aviation Battalion stationed at the newly christened Fort Hawk Tua, offered an assessment of the situation. "It doesn't matter what the name is Jabroni!'," he commented during an off-the-record interview conducted near the post's newly repainted welcome sign. "But changing the name of this installation feels like we're one bad PowerPoint presentation away from being on the evening news for all the wrong reasons." The renaming ceremony was a subdued event held beneath the unforgiving Arizona sun, attended by a confused formation and one malfunctioning PA system. A brief statement from Fort Huachuca’s public affairs officer, [Capt. Amanda “Obvious” Pelkoski](https://www.instagram.com/reel/DFrB01vtkSf/?igsh=MW9hcGRmZm9hN3ViNQ==&ref=duffelblog.com), praised the Pentagon’s “embrace of evolutionary, future-adaptive branding strategies to advance postmodern alignment with generational semiotics.” Much like Pelkoski herself, the [cringeworthy statement did not make sense](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0&pp=0gcJCdgAo7VqN5tD&ref=duffelblog.com) nor clarify what “Hawk Tua” means. [Haliey Welch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haliey%5FWelch?ref=duffelblog.com), better known to the internet as the “Hawk Tuah Girl,” was flown in as the ceremony’s Cultural Alignment Ambassador. Dressed in borrowed OCPs and a pair of Oakleys three sizes too large, Welch delivered an impromptu keynote from the back of a Humvee. “Y’all just gotta [hawk tuah and spit on that thang](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TqIfgnDBvQ&ref=duffelblog.com),” she said, to a round of unsure applause and one major in the back whispering, “Is that doctrine now?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Cobra Commander begs son to join Air Force URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/cobra-commander-urges-son-to-join/ Last updated: 2026-02-18T00:22:47.000Z MONOLITH BASE, Badhikistan — In a tense domestic meeting last week, Cobra Commander urged his son to consider a career in the U.S. Air Force, sources confirmed today. Sources close to the transnational terrorist organization’s inner core say that Cobra Commander had been increasingly preoccupied with Billy’s future, particularly in the aftermath of the group’s disastrous foray into Ukraine. “He comes into the living room and makes this lame small talk,” Billy said of the encounter during his break from Sbarro at the Monolith Base Exchange. “‘How’s your fantasy team doing?’ ‘How’s your stepdad’s new job?’ Jesus,” Billy said, recounting that his father awkwardly sat beside him and said he’d found something concerning in Billy’s room. “I thought he found my vape. But then he pulls out this business card a Cobra recruiter gave me, and I’m like, shit, this is gonna be the puberty talk all over again.” Cobra Commander reportedly explained that he knew what Billy was going through as a young man eager to prove himself, “but I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I made.” He then handed his son a glossy Air Force recruiting brochure. “It’s a better way of life, Billy,” he said. In recent years, Cobra has gained more media attention for high rates of domestic violence and substandard housing than for its complex schemes for world domination. Following a devastating Rand study, which identified a “severe and pervasive lack of concern” for the welfare of its employees, noting a 32% annual mortality rate for Cobra Troopers, Cobra High Command relieved infantry leader Major Sebastien[ Bludd](https://villains.fandom.com/wiki/Major%5FBludd?ref=duffelblog.com) of command, citing a “loss of confidence.” Nevertheless, enemies and allies criticized the move to pin systemic failures on a single field-grade officer. In the fallout, Cobra Stratobase was asked to leave its longtime home in Iranian airspace. “But Dad, some of those Air Force bases really blow,” Billy recalled saying, showing his father[ Reddit threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/AirForce/comments/179e0dh/how%5Fis%5Fa%5Fbase%5Flike%5Fcannon%5Feven%5Fethical/?ref=duffelblog.com) about remote locations chosen with little regard for the availability of off-base social activities. “Cobra has a base in a volcano, Billy,” Cobra Commander responded. “A literal volcano. You remember that[ Marine commercial](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Mw1SB5P%5FFM&ref=duffelblog.com) where they fight a lava monster? That was Gerald. He was a friend.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DOGE vows to reduce Pentagon to triangle URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/doge-vows-to-reduce-pentagon-to-triangle/ Last updated: 2026-09-26T05:52:26.000Z WASHINGTON — The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has unveiled its bold plan to reduce the Pentagon’s iconic five-sided structure into a more efficient and streamlined triangle, sources confirmed today. Yet the decision, hailed as a geometric marvel of cost-saving by DOGE officials, has ignited fierce backlash from defense insiders and civil servants alike. “The Pentagon has been the face of inefficiency for far too long,” said DOGE spokesperson [Mike McLintock](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k68V92P0sgg&ref=duffelblog.com), addressing reporters in the White House briefing room. “By literally cutting corners, we’re saving money while sending a clear message to the American taxpayer that the Department of Defense is no longer an oversized bureaucracy. Instead, it will be an obtuse bureaucracy with sharp angles.” McLintock further explained that the structural reconfiguration would save an estimated $300 billion over the next decade, and those funds will be redirected toward other key government initiatives, such as developing the [Department of Overwhelmingly Complicated Acronyms](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpyVcoUNSuc&ref=duffelblog.com) (DOCA). The controversial plan has already led to the shutdown of the Colonel Lost Identity Program Support Office (CLIPSO), a one-trick pony program tasked with helping retired colonels remember who they are, what they do, and why they continue to attend meetings as government civilians. “This is the worst use of cuts since my failed vasectomy,” said the CLIPSO Director Edward D. Baggio. “Without CLIPSO, the egos of retired colonels in government service will be significantly hurt.” Baggio added that CLIPSO’s abrupt closure would create a ripple effect, leading to more PowerPoint slides and even longer acronym-filled emails as retired colonels scramble to justify their existence in the absence of clear guidance. Critics of the DOGE initiative argue that the Pentagon already struggles with overcrowding, inefficiency, and a culture of mandatory innovation. “There are more people in this building than at a Scientology orgy,” said [Rep. Roger Furlough](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyE5rsqqUKw&ref=duffelblog.com), Vice Chairman of the House Armed Services Committee. “Trust me from experience, the vibe is just as awkward, but it can be fun.” When asked about the potential impact of reducing the building’s size, DOGE officials dismissed concerns, citing a recent study that found most Pentagon employees don’t actually know where they’re going. “The triangle will simplify everything,” said McLintock. “We’ll cut three hallways, 17 conference rooms, and one entire food court.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Green Beans calls up reserve baristas URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/green-beans-calls-up-reserve-baristas/ Last updated: 2025-08-28T22:30:14.000Z THE MIDDLE EAST — Amid fighting between the United States and Iran and escalating tensions in the Middle East, Green Beans Coffee has recalled thousands of reserve baristas to active duty, sources confirmed today. “Our brave reserve baristas stand ready at a moment’s notice to serve artisan lattes on the front lines of faraway conflict zones like Iran or Los Angeles,” said Green Beans spokesman Roastmaster Sergeant Mike Gallagher. “If hostile adversaries force our nation to put boots on the ground, rest assured that our baristas will be the first ones to hit the shore — true to our motto: always brewing.” Green Beans, which has served coffee to American troops in war zones for decades, maintains a reserve force of more than 40,000 baristas prepared to deploy on short notice around the globe. When off duty, many of them hone their coffee-making skills by working jobs at civilian coffee shops or as military officers. But with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan years in the past, maintaining readiness and lethality has been a challenge. Few baristas in the ranks today have seen combat. They’ll be relying on the battle-hardened experience of their veterans, some of whom have had decades of active duty brewing experience. ## You're not on the roster This is a **mandatory fun* event. Enter your email below, or we’ll extend training by two hours. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. “They’ll be leaning on the experience of the old heads,” said Gallagher. “Folks who brewed through Fallujah and frothed through Kandahar.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dear-god-horror-struck-james-mattis/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:23:24.000Z WASHINGTON — Retired general and former Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis emerged from a time machine in the nation’s capital today, recoiling in horror at the devastation wrought by his accidental disturbance of Earth’s timeline. “It was just one butterfly…” he stammered while shakily reading a Washington Post headline about North Korean POWs in Ukraine while an ICE agent dragged a hogtied fourth-grader from the Air and Space Museum. After a brief trip to the Library of Congress to get up to speed, Mattis called a press conference on the National Mall in front of his time-traveling Tesla Cybertruck. Mattis explained that he’d taken a late[ honeymoon](https://www.stripes.com/branches/marine%5Fcorps/2022-06-28/mattis-married-elvis-lomasney-las-vegas-6492316.html?ref=duffelblog.com) with his physicist wife, slipping off to observe the dawn of humanity, when he’d accidentally stepped on the prehistoric [*Lepidopteran*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lepidoptera?ref=duffelblog.com), forever altering the course of history. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Freshly-acquitted Diddy gives your weekend safety brief URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/freshly-acquitted-diddy-gives-your/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T13:57:07.000Z WASHINGTON — The Department of the Army has launched a new pilot outreach initiative called “Relatable Resilience,” which aims to deliver essential training and readiness messages through “[culturally resonant cringefluencers](https://www.instagram.com/reel/DLN4T5XPBd0/?igsh=MXRtdXJsNjc5MTN2eg%3D%3D&ref=duffelblog.com)” with “verified Instagram accounts and court cases that wrapped this month,” officials confirmed today. Their first hire? Freshly acquitted music mogul and occasional motivational speaker, Sean “Diddy” Combs, to deliver this weekend’s safety brief. “This is about modernizing our messaging and meeting Gen Z where they are,” said Lt. Col. Kat Hrafn, public affairs officer for Army Human Resource Command. "If young troops will listen to a guy who once [made contestants walk across the Brooklyn Bridge for cheesecake](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5XR0wZLt1s/?hl=en&ref=duffelblog.com), then that’s our guy." The pre-recorded safety brief was broadcast across all major installations Friday morning. It was introduced by Sgt. Maj. Michael Jackson of the Talent Alignment and Development Directorate, U.S. Army Human Resources Command, who told viewers to “[clap like we’re at a strip club](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2019/05/01/navy-command-master-chief-told-sailors-clap-were-strip-club-pence.html?ref=duffelblog.com),” before reminding soldiers that the message they were about to receive “was cleared through legal and moral support channels.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 8 tattoos you can get under new Hegseth policy URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/8-tattoos-you-can-get-under-new-hegseth/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T19:33:47.000Z WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth recently issued a slew of new policy directives to create a lethal fighting force that rewards individual initiative, excellence, and hard work based on merit as demonstrated through [tasteful body art.](https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/pete-hegseth-confirmation-hearing/card/what-do-hegseth-s-arm-tattoos-mean--UCaRqJK65pWFPewARBiF?ref=duffelblog.com) “When I served in uniform, discriminatory policies constrained individual freedom of expression and firmly held religious beliefs,” said Hegseth while underlining his favorite passages of the memo with a frayed Sharpie he swiped from Mar-a-Lago as a souvenir, the only time he was invited. During a one-on-one interview, the Pentagon chief and body art advocate provided Duffel Blog with exclusive insight into the new tattoos allowed under his updated policy. ### **Lewd depictions of Mary Magdalene** Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ would have had nothing but an absolute 10 as a situationship, according to Hegseth. While pornography is strictly prohibited, examples of biblical figures as “kind of a Jessica Rabbit thing but with the ankles covered” are now allowed. ### **Tattoos of Pete Hegseth, depicted “in the Greek Style”** Classically rendered imagery of high-level military leaders “bolsters military discipline.” Notable examples include [General George Washington](https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/bare-chested-george-washington?ref=duffelblog.com), our Nation’s first National Guard president, barely draped in a toga, wielding a girthy sword. The secretary further offered to take his shirt off, and use a bottle of olive oil and a crown of laurel leaves he had sitting on his desk during the interview. ### **Second Amendment with militia clause removed** Since all service members take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, the Secretary directed that tattoos depicting the Constitution would inspire troops, especially if depicted as a “badass tattered scroll.” However, while the policy specifically encouraged the 2nd amendment to “prevent confusion,” it gave a text block to cut and paste, which Duffel Blog experts found to have removed the militia clause. It also specifically called out the 13th, 14th, 15th, and 19th amendments as “a bad bet to permanently tattoo on your body,” but encouraged the 21st Amendment as “a real banger.” ### **Judeo-Christian space laser** Our warriors deserve the holiest, lethalityist weapons for long-range precision fires, and further must counter the [Jewish space laser pacing threat.](https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-president-witnesses-firepower/) ### **Your CAC pin** Real warriors aren’t in front of a computer enough to remember this. SIPR token pins are also allowed under the policy, which was specifically requested by a special interest group of soldiers with GT scores under 110\. The policy stated that this was a one-time allowance to do something useful with a tattoo, but to leave a space on the left wrist at the point where a class A dress uniform sleeve hits, “about the size of a barcode.” ### **“Infidel” written in Hebrew** Hegseth argued that describing yourself as an infidel brought the right kind of Deus Vult energy to future warfighting, but recommended writing it in Hebrew to “build readiness for America’s future crusades…I mean wars.” ### **29** The number 29, rendered in gothic ordinals, or to resemble the supple feel of chenille patches on a letterman’s jacket, patted for good luck on a cool fall night, just before the big Homecoming game against Heritage Christian Academy, is encouraged. The policy further dictated that the number 29 should always evoke the energy of a man about to be lifted on the shoulders of his teammates and take the head cheerleader home with him that night. The number 29 may also be branded or cut into skin with the crossed rifle infantry insignia as a midnight ritual real men use to create camaraderie in the barracks shower. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:58:09.000Z Commandant vows swift justice, new Sergeant Major by close of business _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Iran rebranded 'Pepsistan' in new Pepsi-Pentagon strategic partnership URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-secures-pepsi-sponsorship-deal/ Last updated: 2025-08-26T20:42:36.000Z WASHINGTON — In a significant development in both foreign policy and snack branding, President Donald Trump announced today that all future U.S. military strikes on Iran will be officially sponsored by PepsiCo Under the terms of the groundbreaking agreement, Pepsi has secured exclusive branding rights to the country and renamed it “Pepsistan” following the first airstrike. In exchange, the company will pay $5 million upfront and up to $20 million in deferred snack-based incentives over the next 25 years — a deal Trump called “unbelievable, historic, and very, very fizzy.” Also as part of the agreement, American pilots must now say “This bombing run brought to you by Pepsi” before deploying ordnance. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/675a333c-a947-48e8-8f06-c6ac5720f269_966x966.jpg) “I almost walked away, but then they offered me unlimited Funyuns,” Trump said from his Pepsi-a-Lago compound in Florida, describing the negotiations as “tough but beautiful.” “Did you know Pepsi owns Funyuns? Also Gatorade. And possibly Qatar.” He added: “Pepsi negotiators, very tough people, very smart, almost as smart as me, not quite but close, good brains, and great snacks by the way, Pepsi makes other snacks. Pringles, Ritz, Juicy Fruit, Purina, Hot Pockets—tremendous, tremendous foods. But we made it happen, great people at PepsiCo.” ## Join 20k+ subscribers ****Duffel Blog is reader-supported.** Which means no corporate sponsors. Yet. Join now before we sell naming rights to Lockheed Martin. Subscribe Email sent! Check your inbox to complete your signup. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick praised the arrangement, calling it “the most successful defense-contract-slash-soft-drink-collab since Operation [RipIt Freedom](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-surgeon-general-recommends-consuming-at-least-ten-energy-drinks-daily/) in Iraq.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### VA launches negative disability ratings to fill budget gaps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/va-launches-negative-disability-ratings/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:47:35.000Z WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs will introduce reverse disability ratings in an effort to address its perennial budget shortfalls, sources confirmed today. Beginning in 2026, the VA will assign negative disability ratings to veterans, charging them for any physical or mental health “improvements” resulting from their service. Officials say veterans will be re-evaluated not for disabilities incurred during service but for any perceived health benefits. And they have high hopes for the program, following a wildly successful trial with federal prisoners. “Too many veterans have been improved through their service, and honestly, we think they owe us,” said one VA official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “For example, I saw one freeloader skip the line for the TSA. It’s frankly shameful. You get shot, and all of a sudden, you’re above lines?” Among the items veterans might be billed for: _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### C-5 on Ramstein ramp spends entire world war III in timeout URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/wwiii-over-before-broke-c-5-sitting/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:48.000Z RAMSTEIN AIR BASE, GERMANY — As World War III came to an end recently with no clear victor, the one constant throughout the entire fight was the C-5 Galaxy sitting on the ramp at Ramstein Air Base. What started as a hydraulic leak led to an overhaul of the hydraulic lines throughout the aircraft, spanning the entirety of World War III in the Middle East. “When we landed at Ramstein, our jet started pissing hydraulic fluid like a drunken E-3 on liberty,” said C-5 Flying Crew Chief Staff Sgt. Evan Warren. “The estimated fix time kept slipping and slipping, then all of a sudden, the war was over, and our squadron was directing us to fly commercial back home.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### This July 4th, remember to honor veterans who lost limbs last July 4th URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/this-july-4th-remember-to-honor-veterans/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:53.000Z WASHINGTON — As the nation gears up for its annual fiery tribute to independence, the Department of Defense is urging a moment of somber reflection for a unique demographic of American heroes: those who, through a confluence of patriotism and questionable judgment, sacrificed their limbs during last year's Fourth of July celebrations. A new public service announcement, "[Sparklers Are Not Sabers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15tW4dEK7A4&ref=duffelblog.com)," aims to remind citizens that the battlefield isn't the only place where brave Americans can suffer life-altering injuries. "We honor our combat veterans, and rightly so," stated Brig. Gen. Alric "Ric" L. Francis, the Commandant of the United States Army Field Artillery School. "But let's not forget the sheer, unadulterated dedication it takes to attempt to launch a fully loaded [porta-potty with a string of M-80s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjqzHrCT4KE&ref=duffelblog.com) into low earth orbit. That’s a different kind of bravery, or perhaps a different kind of brain damage.” The general paused to take a sip of what appeared to be black coffee, though the steam rising from the mug suggested something closer to molten lead. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth renames USNS Harvey Milk to USNS James Earl Ray, but a different one URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-renames-usns-harvey-milk/ Last updated: 2026-05-13T16:10:09.000Z WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced earlier this week that the USNS *Harvey Milk* (T-AO-206) will be renamed USNS *James Earl Ray*, but after a different individual with the same name. “This ship will honor someone significantly less gay,” Hegseth said in a video message from his office, sipping sweet tea with a slice of lime. “Naming a ship after a Naval officer who served with honor during the Korean War is a disgrace to the Navy and its strong reputation for heterosexuality. From now on, T-AO-206 will be named USNS *James Earl Ray*, but not after the guy who shot MLK.” “It’s actually a combination of names,” Hegseth said. “*James* for Vice Admiral James Stockdale, *Earl* for the Medal of Honor winner [Robert Earl Bonney](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert%5FEarl%5FBonney?ref=duffelblog.com), and *Ray*, because it’s a drop of golden sun.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Noem visit to LA troops ends in gunfire, K-9 fatality URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/devil-dog-tragically-killed-after/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:52.000Z LOS ANGELES — The ongoing military presence in downtown Los Angeles has claimed its first casualty. Gambit, a Marine Corps working dog, was shot and killed during a visit by Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, who allegedly feared for her safety. Witnesses say the 55-pound Belgian Malinois was leashed and fully compliant when Noem drew her personal Sig Sauer 9mm — hot pink, of course — and fired three rounds into the dog’s back. Noem, who famously admitted in her 2024 memoir to [executing her 14-month-old puppy Cricket](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/01/17/kristi-noem-confirmation-shot-dog-controversy/77759241007/?ref=duffelblog.com) for being “untrainable,” defended the act as a matter of self-defense. “I feared for my life,” Noem said while readjusting [clip-in extensions](https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/kristi-noems-hair-extensions-on-saving-america-e40505d4eda2?ref=duffelblog.com) and reapplying bronzer. “And frankly, that animal was wild and probably would not have been a very good [hunting dog](https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/kristi-noems-hair-extensions-on-saving-america-e40505d4eda2?ref=duffelblog.com), anyway.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Grandma just wants to know if that was you dropping bombs on Iran URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/grandma-just-wants-to-know-if-you/ Last updated: 2026-05-05T01:45:05.000Z GRANDMA’S HOUSE, USA — Multiple sources report that your grandmother is very worried about “all this Middle East business” and just wants to know if you were on one of those airplanes that recently[ bombed Iran](https://www.nytimes.com/2025/06/24/us/politics/iran-nuclear-sites.html?ref=duffelblog.com). “She’s been worried sick,” said your mother, even though you are not a pilot or mission commander, and might not even be in the Air Force. “Grandma saw the news about ‘those stealth plane things’ attacking the atomic bomb factories in Iran, and she’s afraid you might have been flying one. Please call her.” One of your siblings noted that Grandma did try to ask you about it by posting on her own Facebook wall. “Why not take a few minutes to check it out, Mister Top Gun War Hero?” the sibling said. This isn’t the first time grandma thought you were in the middle of a high-profile military operation. At various times over the past month, she’s asked your parents and siblings if you were in North Korea, Ukraine, or deployed to the border “fighting all those illegals.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US accidentally re-invades Iraq URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-accidentally-re-invades-iraq/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:45:55.000Z THE PENTAGON — As tensions between Israel and Iran continue to swell, the United States reaffirmed its unwavering commitment to regional stability by launching a full-scale invasion of Iraq, sources confirmed today. Initially framed as a “measured response” to both Israel’s and Iran’s escalatory behavior, the operation took an unexpected turn when someone reminded Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth that Iran and Iraq are, in fact, *different countries*. “Wait — are you serious?” asked Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth during a press conference, slowly turning to look at a globe someone had hastily brought into the room. “So… where the hell *have* we been sending the 101st?” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/17e57d35-a970-451b-a325-addbaad65163_556x840.png) **Image: The Secretary of Defense at the aforementioned press conference, sans camouflage tie.* Hegseth, known for weekend morning Fox News hits and buying suits at Banana Republic, was reportedly briefed on the situation using a laminated Risk board, memes on Post-it Notes, and a pirated copy of *Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2*. He apparently mistook Iraq for “the brown one next to the oil” and approved the mission with a double thumbs-up Post-it and a *Braveheart* quote. The debacle deepened when Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard weighed in from her beachfront Skull Island HQ in Hawaii, where she was livestreaming a yoga pose titled *Warrior II: Strategic Ambiguity*. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/a5e5f90f-4300-4da0-97d7-97c281a7508d_882x584.png) **Image: Tulsi Gabbard poses in front of her headquarters off the coast of Hawaii.* “We’ve assessed with low-to-moderate enlightenment that Iraq is spiritually adjacent to Iran,” said Gabbard, speaking over a background of ocean waves and pan flutes. “And while we don’t have actual evidence, I feel very strongly about this, chakra-wise.” Sources say Gabbard’s daily intelligence brief was a vision board featuring a burning American flag, a surfboard, and the words “Sovereignty? Vibes only.” The actual invasion kicked off when several brigades of the 82nd Airborne, one Marine Expeditionary Unit, and the entirety of the National Guard’s Persian Gulf Renaissance Fair Reenactment Unit parachuted into Baghdad International Airport — again — to the confusion of everyone involved. Iraqi officials initially assumed the Americans were back for a class reunion, possibly a 20-year anniversary of “Operation Let’s See What Happens.” When told this was a new operation, codenamed *Enduring Freedom 2,* the Iraqi Prime Minister said, “Of course it is.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army birthday parade sparks rediscovery of Von Steuben’s pimp-step parade doctrine URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reveals-von-steubens-forgotten/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:49:44.000Z WASHINGTON — One week after the United States Army marked its 250th birthday with pageantry, pyrotechnics, and more PowerPoint than any rational force should endure, a surprising historical revelation emerged from the archives: a previously unknown chapter from [Baron Friedrich Von Steuben](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYwND0CcID4&ref=duffelblog.com) famed "Blue Book," detailing a drill move known as "pimp stepping." The announcement, part of the Army's continued birthday victory lap, came as retired Lt. Gen. Larry Wyche, the Army’s former 'lady’s man' logistician, uncovered the forgotten chapter in a section of the Army War College archives unofficially dubbed the "Purple Velvet Room." "Ummm… yea… we were doing some cataloging of some old manuals and unearthed this remarkably ornate, purple-bound volume," Wyche explained earnestly, standing in front of a lavish, velvet-draped background. "Initially, we thought it was something from the officers' club's lost-and-found. But upon closer inspection, we realized it was indeed a hidden Von Steuben chapter on maintaining discipline through swagger." According to Wyche, the rediscovered chapter outlined how soldiers could improve morale, cohesion, and battlefield dominance by adopting a rhythmically confident walk, which Von Steuben described explicitly as "pimp stepping." Wyche noted the manual included extensive diagrams, some featuring Von Steuben himself with an embellished cane, feathered tricorn hat, and rhinestone boots. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy finishes retrofitting F/A-18s with periscopes, torpedoes URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-finishes-retrofitting-fa-18s/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:24:35.000Z NAVAL STATION NORFOLK, Va. — After months of losing multi-million-dollar aircraft to the ocean — a known enemy of aviation — the U.S. Navy has completed retrofitting its F/A-18 Super Hornets to operate beneath the sea. “As of this week, Navy pilots can fly, float, or flail in any environment,” said a visibly relieved Adm. James W. Kilby, Vice Chief of Naval Operations. “We’ve waterproofed all our operational fleet of F/A-18 Super Hornets, added periscopes, and fitted them with antiship and antisubmarine munitions. So regardless of whatever environment our aircraft wind up in, they should be good to go.” The upgraded jets, dubbed the F/A-18 Salmon, can achieve a speed of Mach 1.6 in the air, and “up to 4 knots per hour when heading upstream” while submerged, Kilby said. The overhaul follows a string of embarrassing incidents for the Navy, which has[ lost three ](https://theaviationist.com/2025/05/07/third-super-hornet-lost-truman/?ref=duffelblog.com)F/A-18s in the Red Sea due to various mishaps and accidents that unintentionally caused the $67 million fighters to join the service’s undersea fleet. While the Navy indicated that a high operational tempo may be responsible, others in the Pentagon feared that America’s enemies were exploiting an inherent vulnerability: most, if not all, aircraft were incapable of operating underwater. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army secretary decries 'PowerPoint in parade form' for Trump's birthday URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-brass-agree-this-parade-could/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:49:13.000Z THE PENTAGON — After a lukewarm performance at President Donald Trump’s birthday parade, Army brass gathered in the E-Ring for an after-action review and ultimately concluded that the “parade could have been an email,” sources confirmed today. “We’re catching heat for troops [phoning it in](https://x.com/USMCLiberal/status/1934024059777388739?ref=duffelblog.com),” said Army Secretary Daniel Driscoll, who anonymously leaked the meeting minutes. “But the parade fell victim to ‘mission creep.’ It was supposed to be a birthday tribute… then we added the Army’s 250th anniversary… then Coinbase, the UFC, [and Scotts Miracle-Gro](https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/trump-protests-military-parade/card/corporate-sponsors-at-250th-army-anniversary-parade-and-festival-SLS8tcAeZsaVy8icun3M?ref=duffelblog.com)® signed on as sponsors.” Sources noted that the Department of Veterans Affairs recently used Gmail to terminate 83,000 employees, signaling that digital correspondence has overtaken traditional pomp. “Maybe next time we just CC everyone and spare the public the TikTok drill teams,” muttered one senior defense official. Driscoll continued, visibly agitated. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### After Israel attacks Iran, IndoPacom commander starts hiding missiles under bed URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/indo-pacific-commander-hides-hellfire/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:50.000Z HONOLULU — The commander of U.S. Indo-Pacific Command has begun hiding AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, Mk84 Joint Direct Attack Munitions, 20 millimeter Vulcan rounds, HIMARS rockets, and other munitions under his bed in the wake of [Israel’s attack on Iranian](https://www.ynetnews.com/article/bytbiqtxxx?ref=duffelblog.com) nuclear facilities, sources confirmed today. “I’m not letting those goddamn CENTCOM punks steal from me again,” said Navy Adm. Samuel Paparo. “Not this time. Not ever.” The admiral — who staff have begun referring to as “Sammy the Stockpiler” — reportedly began shifting weaponry from warehouses of [Pacific Air Forces](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-fighter-jets-issued-reflective/) into his on-base quarters late Sunday night, using a borrowed Air Force forklift and a firm personal conviction that “possession is nine-tenths of the National Defense Strategy.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump declines parade march, citing sudden bone spur flare-up URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-declines-parade-march-due-to/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:49:28.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald J. Trump announced today he will not be marching in Saturday’s march to honor the Army’s 250th anniversary, citing a sudden and severe [resurgence of bone spurs](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/pentagon-congress/2019/02/27/trumps-lawyer-no-basis-for-presidents-medical-deferment-from-vietnam/?ref=duffelblog.com)— a condition historically known for [flaring up](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cy9vx1v1rx1o?ref=duffelblog.com) at the exact moment when patriotism becomes physically demanding. “Believe me, nobody [respects the troops more than](https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/09/trump-americans-who-died-at-war-are-losers-and-suckers/615997/?ref=duffelblog.com) I do,” Trump said while mid-swing on the back nine. “But the bones in my feet — and they’re some of the best bones, really — are under siege. Total war zone.” Trump, whose love for the military is famously exceeded [only by his love](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/army-releases-report-trump-campaign-incident-arlington-cemetery-rcna23566?ref=duffelblog.com) for [deferring from it](https://www.onceasoldier.org/trumps-record-on-veterans/?ref=duffelblog.com), emphasized his support for “all the beautiful troops doing their marchy things,” but noted that his personal physician and several Fox News contributors moonlighting as orthopedic experts advised him to sit this one out. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New Air Force one denied security clearance due to excessive foreign connections URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-air-force-one-denied-security/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:32:31.000Z SAN ANTONIO, Texas — The fate of the 747 slated as the new Air Force One, recently [gifted from the government of Qatar](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/may/28/trump-qatar-plane-gift-boeing?ref=duffelblog.com), is in doubt. In a surprising decision, the Defense Counterintelligence and Security Agency (DCSA) denied the aircraft a top-level security clearance because of what officials call a “staggering amount” of close foreign contacts. “Having a few international friends is normal after living in Qatar,” said DCSA spokesperson Alicia Hoover. “But this plane has more foreign connections than a Marine battalion on a port call with Tinder Gold.” Hoover explained that the aircraft needs a high-level clearance for handling the nation’s most sensitive communications and war plans. The plane submitted a standard security package, but attached 32 continuation pages listing “close personal contacts.” “It’s less like a background form and more like the cast list of *Aladdin on Ice,*” Hoover said. The would-be Air Force One and flying SCIF denies any substantial foreign entanglements and claims it’s being targeted for its “blended multinational lineage.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fort irwin to be renamed fort Hitler URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-irwin-to-be-renamed-fort-hitler/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:28.000Z FORT IRWIN, California — Fort Irwin will be renamed to Fort Hitler in honor of Army Cpl. Johann A. Hitler, a German immigrant who served heroically with the Union Army during the Civil War, Army officials announced today. The decision, approved by a panel of Army historians in line with guidance from [President Donald](https://www.npr.org/2024/10/23/nx-s1-5161598/i-need-the-kind-of-generals-that-hitler-had-the-reporting-behind-trumps-comment?ref=duffelblog.com) and [Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/jan/24/pete-hegseth-confirmed-defense-secretary?ref=duffelblog.com), came after an exhaustive search for underrecognized soldiers who embodied valor, sacrifice, and a name that “just kinda stuck out.” “Corporal Johann Adolf Hitler — no relation to the, uh, other Hitler — was a stretcher bearer at the Battle of Antietam,” said Hegseth. “He saved dozens of lives under fire and later ran a respectable sausage cart in Cincinnati.” Hegseth emphasized that Johann Hitler’s military record was “spotless,” and that his unfortunate last name is merely “a historical coincidence that has unfairly fallen out of fashion.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Basic bitch goes to basic training URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/basic-bitch-goes-to-basic-training/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:32:12.000Z FORT JACKSON, S.C. – In an unparalleled tale of military metamorphosis, Pvt. Jennifer “Pumpkin Spice” Johnson, self-proclaimed ‘basic bitch,’ has successfully navigated the rigors of Army basic training while discovering that she could be all she could be along the way. Johnson, who arrived at Fort Jackson with a suitcase full of UGG boots and an unyielding addiction to Instagram, initially struggled with the transition. “I was like, literally dying without my daily Venti Caramel Macchiato,” she confessed. “But then I saw the camo uniforms, and I was like, ‘OMG, this is my color!’” Her [transformation from civilian to soldier](https://www.duffelblog.com/hipster-joins-army-to-be-ironic/) wasn’t without its hurdles. According to Drill Sergeant Malanie Lopez, she was trying to fit a hair straightener and a selfie stick into her assault pack upon her arrival. “I knew we had our work cut out for us,” Lopez said. Still, Johnson’s perseverance shone throughout the training. “She really turned it around. Some real Private Benjamin stuff,” Lopez admitted. “Once she realized her contouring skills could be used for camouflage, there was no stopping her. She did makeovers for the entire platoon. We actually lost them out there for two days. They were that concealed.” Perhaps the most pivotal moment came during a field exercise, where Johnson single-handedly organized a supply run for pumpkin spice latte [MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat).](https://www.duffelblog.com/mre-review-duffel-blog/) “It was like a totally strategic move,” Johnson explained. “Morale was low, and I was like, ‘let’s spice things up!’ Literally, I came here wanting more, but I truly found this experience healing. Like, I was forced to do a hardcore dopamine cleanse, and every time I thought about asking my parents for care packages, I found myself channeling ​​Marie Kondo vibes and asking if more things would truly bring me joy. The answer was almost always no. It was liberating!” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Elon Musk awarded Bronze Star for accomplishing nothing URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/elon-musk-awarded-bronze-star-for/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T14:02:36.000Z WASHINGTON — The U.S. Air Force awarded Elon Musk the Bronze Star this week for “exceptional service in theoretical cost-cutting and performative patriotism,” despite the tech mogul accomplishing nothing of measurable value during his six-month tenure as Director of Government Efficiency (DOGE). The award, typically reserved for acts of heroism or meritorious achievement in a combat zone, was pinned to Musk’s Patagonia vest during a closed-door ceremony attended by several high-ranking officers, four camera crews, and a Tesla Cybertruck that refused to start. “Musk’s unwavering commitment to pretending to reduce fraud, waste, and abuse in government spending is the kind of leadership we pretend to recognize all the time,” said Air Force spokesperson Lt. Col. Garrett Roemer. “While he achieved literally none of his stated objectives, the PowerPoint slides were clean, and he cc’d a lot of people.” Musk, who President Donald Trump appointed to lead DOGE earlier this year, vowed to eliminate $2 trillion in government waste. Instead, he left office after barely 175 days, having saved an estimated $312.57 — most of which came from replacing coffee in federal buildings with expired Soylent and firing 9,000 civilian employees by tweeting a poop emoji. Sources say Musk earned the decoration the same way many senior officers have: by showing up late, making the mission worse, and leaving before the consequences arrived. “Elon’s a disruptor,” said Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David Alvin. “Sure, morale collapsed, the stock market tanked, the administration’s approval rating is at historic lows, and he accidentally gave a Nazi salute during a Defense Acquisition press conference — but that’s not nothing. That’s negative something.” Critics of the award pointed to several investigations into Musk’s companies, including allegations of unsafe labor practices and the misuse of federal subsidies. These investigations were quietly dropped shortly after Musk's $290 million donation to Trump’s re-election campaign was processed via a crypto wallet named “VeryLegalCoin69.” Tesla stock plummeted 38% following Musk’s resignation, with analysts citing “erratic behavior,” “ideological monologuing during budget meetings,” and “attempting to merge the IRS and SpaceX into a single Mars-based audit force.” Despite the chaos, the Department of Defense confirmed that the Bronze Star was approved by a fast-tracked Form 638 submitted by Musk’s executive assistant, which cited “resilience in the face of Twitter backlash” and “advancing the strategic use of memes in combatting inefficiency.” When reached for comment, Musk tweeted, “The real fraud is pretending efficiency matters in a bureaucracy. I streamlined morale. You’re welcome. 🔥🚀🐶 #BronzeStarDaddy.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Taliban to probe allegations of fair treatment of women URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/taliban-to-probe-allegations-of-fair/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:51:41.000Z KABUL — The Taliban has opened an official probe into allegations that women are being treated fairly within one of its Tax Collection units. The investigation was initiated with a plea to the International Criminal Court to examine "crimes against our humanity.” According to a report filed by the Department of Taliban Internal Affairs Investigation and Oversight Agency For Inequality of Equality, the investigation began after a Data Analyst within the Taliban Revenue Service filed an HR complaint alleging a woman asked him for the time. The report includes allegations of opinions, conversations, and friendships within the TRS. Taliban 15-6 Investigators have been tasked with identifying the extent of the equality and gathering evidence against those found responsible. The evidence will eventually be presented to the Supreme Court of Afghanistan, which handles all equality cases within the country. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US 'far behind in capabilities' being sold by retired general URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-far-behind-in-capabilities-says/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:54:54.000Z TYSONS CORNER, Va. — Perched on the highest floor of a 31-story building and eating a sumptuous lunch provided by in-house chefs at AeroTechDyne Headquarters, retired Army Gen. Anthony Wayne told assembled generals from each of the services today that America is woefully under-resourced in a defense technology capability that is only sold by AeroTechDyne. “Look, I come from the same place as the rest of you and I would never advocate for this defense technology capability if I did not believe America is far behind in this defense technology capability, creating an increasing defense technology capability gap with peer and near-peer competitors that can only be closed if each of you puts down millions, maybe billions, of dollars on this defense technology capability immediately,” Wayne assured the nodding complement of generals currently in charge of each service’s purse strings. “It’s a critical defense technology capability, and America does not have remotely enough of it.” “My place on the AeroTechDyne board and the associated $500,000 annual honoraria notwithstanding, America runs a real risk of not having this defense technology capability in a real fight in which our competition has a lot of this defense technology capability or the defense technology capability that this defense technology capability is meant to counter,” said Wayne, the man who as a brigadier general authored plans for the invasion of Iraq featuring only the words “This Page Intentionally Left Blank” for “Phase V: Stabilize” and “Phase VI: Enable Civil Authority” considerations. Tasked as they are with stewardship of lives, resources, and taxpayer dollars, attending service representatives were not easily swayed. One particularly gruff-looking Army general pushed back at Wayne from around a mouthful of Chateaubriand. “Are you sure that this defense technology capability is the best defense technology capability to meet the expectations of the Army Modernization Strategy and the international competition space?” Without pausing, Wayne said, “Yes.” The general looked thoughtful before replying, “OK, cool, put me down for $38 million.” Pointing at Wayne with the finger not required to hold a delicate flute of $3,000-per-bottle 2019 Brignac Brut Gold Ace, a blue-suited Air Force general was no less blunt than his Army peer. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Neuralink placed in Marine crashes Pornhub URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/neuralink-placed-in-marine-crashes/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:32:13.000Z CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — In a groundbreaking yet predictable mishap that literally everyone saw coming, a Marine volunteer equipped with Elon Musk’s Neuralink has reportedly crashed Pornhub’s servers, causing an unprecedented digital blackout and a surge of confusion among users worldwide. Sgt. James Johnson, who volunteered for the Neuralink trial as part of a DARPA initiative to create “super soldiers with enhanced cognitive capabilities,” inadvertently overwhelmed the adult entertainment site during a routine test of his newly acquired mental prowess. “We were running a series of standard cognitive load tests,” said Dr. Laura Brainstein, lead researcher for the project. “Suddenly, Sgt. Johnson’s Neuralink interface started pinging unknown servers at a rate of 10,000 requests per second. It took me a minute to figure out what was happening, but Sgt. Johnson was done within 30 seconds. I guess that’s why they call him High Speed.” Initially, researchers believed the Neuralink had malfunctioned. But Sgt. Johnson’s subsequent confession revealed the actual cause. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army study: Soldiers have bigger dicks than sailors URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-study-finds-soldiers-have-larger/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:58:50.000Z THE PENTAGON — The U.S. Army announced today the long-awaited results of a years-long research study, and the findings are abundantly clear: Soldiers’ penises are, on average, about three inches larger than those of sailors in the U.S. Navy. The unusual study was commissioned by the Army Chief of Staff, in partnership with the Chief of Naval Operations, after the Joint Chiefs of Staff got into a naughty bottle of Pinot Noir while at their annual summer camp retreat in Napa Valley. What started as a bet quickly turned into a wrestling match, which then turned into an emotional therapy session, which then evolved into an intellectual conversation on penis measurements. The study, which took place from 2021 to 2023, was coordinated by the Pentagon’s Department of Interbranch Carnal Knowledge Studies. Despite an early protest from the Navy to handle all the measurements themselves, each branch had autonomy in how its measurements were conducted. DICKS mandated that each inspection should be measured on five qualities: length, girth, volume, cut, and clarity. The Army decided on mass penis inspection formations at the battalion level, which were carried out bi-weekly for 24 months (to eliminate outliers from hot or cold weather). Unit commanders were ordered to appoint a Penis Czar, often the battalion commander or sergeant major, to ensure all measurements were taken professionally and flaccid. The Navy chose a more efficient method, however. Sailors were placed in a line, and inspected the penis of the sailor in front of them, who would simultaneously be inspecting the sailor in front of them. This chain went on until the sailor at the front of the line looped around to the back to inspect the final sailor. The USS Ronald Reagan held the record for simultaneous penis inspections, with 473 sailors participating. The results of the study were evaluated by DICKS. Ph.D. Students from the University of Maryland Global Campus volunteered their time to handle the immense amount of data, since the Navy had erroneously submitted three times the necessary measurements. DICKS submitted their final reports, including measurement data and theories, to the White House Office on Penis Accountability. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### California bans veteran burials due to unacceptable levels of PFAS URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/california-bars-va-burials-citing/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:47.000Z NAPA VALLEY, Calif. — Citing unacceptable levels of the “forever chemical” PFAS in their bodies, California Governor Gavin Newsom formally amended the state’s environmental policy today to prohibit burials at Veterans Administration cemeteries throughout the state. “While the military will assuredly go on destroying the world in life, the Golden State will not allow them to do so in death,” Newsom said during a signing ceremony at[ The French Laundry](https://www.politico.com/states/california/story/2020/11/13/newsom-faces-backlash-after-attending-french-laundry-dinner-party-1336419?ref=duffelblog.com) restaurant in California’s Wine Country. He noted that while the ban went into effect immediately, veterans can continue to be buried at private cemeteries in the state until 2030, provided they are cremated and their ashes spread in Nevada. A sister proposal that would have required veterans to wear orange vests reading “WARNING: This veteran contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer” was ultimately scrapped as logistically infeasible. Scientists are exploring links between PFAS, or Per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances, and a variety of ailments, with veterans suffering significant exposure through such job-related hazards as firefighting foam, chemical spills, jet fuel, and household drinking water. In addition to PFAS, California’s own research found most veterans contained dangerous levels of hydrazine, depleted uranium, and an unknown toxin, later identified as jalapeño-cheese-spread microplastics. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Zyn-Monster-condom pack sells out in minutes at PX URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/px-runs-out-of-zyn-monster-condom/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:46.000Z FORT LIBERTY (OR WHATEVER THEY’RE CALLING IT NOW) — Chaos erupted at the Post Exchange this morning when the highly anticipated “Weekend Essentials” bundle — containing a can of Zyn nicotine pouches, a Monster energy drink, and a single condom — sold out within less than 10 minutes. According to eyewitness reports, a mob of junior-enlisted personnel, mostly specialists, formed outside the PX an hour before opening, eagerly awaiting their chance to secure the holy trinity of poor decision-making. “I was first in line,” said Pfc. Travis Thompson, who camped overnight for the release. “I knew this was going to be big. You don’t just stumble across a deployment loadout like this every day.” The bundle, dubbed the “Mafia Care Package,” was initially a joke suggestion from a Class Six clerk who noticed that these three items were purchased together more often than bottom-shelf military special liquor. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Combat vet joins war on drugs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/combat-veteran-re-enlists-to-fight-24-02-12/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:35:38.000Z ST. LOUIS — In an inspiring display of patriotic fervor, a local combat veteran has announced his eagerness to reenlist to fight in the War on Drugs, taking a firm stance not against, but in support of drug use. Jared Doherty, who served multiple tours in [Iraq](https://www.duffelblog.com/isis-iraq-humvees-captured/) and [Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/dempsey-fighting-wars/), now sees the battle for cannabis legalization as his new front line. "After years of dodging IEDs, navigating the bureaucratic minefield of the VA for pain management feels like child's play," Doherty quipped while rolling a joint. "I'm just shifting from combat boots to Crocs, man." Armed with an arsenal of peer-reviewed studies and a stack of rolling papers taller than your [average VA claim](https://www.duffelblog.com/young-vets-blaming-excessive-mre-consumption-in-latest-disability-claims/), he's become a one-man army advocating for policy change. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### The Atlantic: Please remove us from this distro URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/the-atlantic-asks-to-be-removed-from/ Last updated: 2026-09-26T05:49:35.000Z WASHINGTON — *The Atlantic* editor-in-chief, Jeffrey Goldberg, has replied-all after he was mistakenly added to another Department of Defense Signal chat group that routinely leaks classified information, obscure memes, and, apparently, Russian intelligence collection opportunities. Sources confirmed that the chat, named “**Joint Ops Bantz 🔥💥🚀 (NO FOREIGN)**,” was intended for a small group of senior DoD officials, the country's transportation office, and Secretary of Defense Hegseth’s mother. Instead, it included a curious mix of field grades, unpaid DOGE interns, a public affairs officer’s burner phone, Pete Hegseth’s mother (yeah, again), and, for reasons no one can explain, Goldberg himself (also, again). Initially believing the chat to be a press pool group, Goldberg reportedly tried to keep up, only to be greeted with a barrage of eye-watering content ranging from “JRTC Thunderdome fight club rules” to a live play-by-play of a general officer trying to bypass CAC login for the 37th time. “I just wanted to cover a story about military families overcoming adversity,” Goldberg explained. “Instead, I got 200 messages debating if we could weaponize a horse, and whether we can [force women in this country to have more babies](https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/21/us/politics/trump-birthrate-proposals.html?ref=duffelblog.com) like in *The Handmaid’s Tale*. I wish I could make this stuff up.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Dyslexic officer cuts IED training from EOD course URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dyslexic-officer-mistakenly-cuts/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:55:49.000Z EGLIN AFB, Fla. – President Trump’s executive order to roll back federal Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives has sent shockwaves through the ranks, leaving one Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) officer scrambling to fuse together a bombproof curriculum. Lt. Cmdr. Jans Sven Swederssen swiftly complied with the commander-in-chief’s directive by systematically purging all materials, references, anecdotes, footnotes, note-notes, and apocryphal texts with the faintest mention of Improvised Explosive Devices (IED) from the halls of Naval School EOD. DEI, championed by the preceding administration, is a framework that seeks to foster positive workplace environments by intentionally uplifting historically marginalized individuals. IEDs are homebrewed bombs deployed by guerrilla forces designed to maim and kill an otherwise technologically superior adversary. “Oops, I got my wires crossed again. I’m such a [Cornicarp](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capricorn%5F%28astrology%29?ref=duffelblog.com),” shrugged Swederssen, presumedly invoking astrological absolution for his blunder. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth budget plan just stick figure with huge tits URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-budget-plan-just-stick-figure/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:40:05.000Z THE PENTAGON — Budgetary offices across the service branches are scrambling after Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth released his long-awaited fiscal guidance, sources confirmed today. With uncertainty already high in the wake of [surgical](https://www.desmoinesregister.com/story/news/health/2025/02/19/nbc-key-bird-flu-response-personnel-accidentally-fired-from-usda/79113975007/?ref=duffelblog.com) and [well-implemented ](https://newrepublic.com/post/191825/doge-nuclear-staff-cuts-head-safety?ref=duffelblog.com)cutbacks executed by the Department of Government Efficiency, Pentagon fiscal planners genuinely looked forward to the new defense budget as a predictable planning document clearly articulating the administration’s military priorities. Instead they were greeted by a late-Friday night message on Hegseth’s X account, which featured what appeared to be a female stick figure with enhanced mammaries on SecDef letterhead along with the cryptic message “#budget #boobs #battletested.” With his background of extensive leadership in large organizations with multi-billion dollar budgets, observers expected Hegseth’s fiscal guidance to be laser-focused on key priorities such as recruiting, retention, shipbuilding, revitalization of the defense industrial base, maintenance supply chains, infrastructure for overseas basing and access, resilience in space-based satellite constellations and communications nodes, modernization of legacy equipment, proliferation of unmanned and autonomous systems, network hardening, integration of hypersonic and quantum technology, live virtual constructive training environments, competitive pay, quality of life improvements, and other programs nested within the priorities of the National Security Strategy, National Defense Strategy, and National Military Strategy. It appears, however, that Secretary Hegseth opted for a different direction, leaving each Service to interpret the drawing as best it could. “Putting Pete at the Pentagon made it clear things weren’t business as usual, so on the Marine Corps side, we were already spring-loaded with several fiscal options for the SecDef,” noted Maj. Travis Brasidas of the Corps’ Combat Development and Integration command. “After all, we’re the only branch that’s [repeatedly passed an audit](https://www.defensenews.com/naval/2025/02/04/marine-corps-passes-second-straight-audit-as-other-services-lag-behind/?ref=duffelblog.com), so we figured we could meet Secretary Hegseth’s high standards. We ran dozens of budget drills under different scenarios, everything from funding the Corps enough to make every rifleman an orbital drop shock trooper to replacing all of our machine guns with [chainsaws for bureaucracy](https://youtu.be/iBBM0EA0WLc?si=SwTZMHy9U5U9ka91&ref=duffelblog.com).” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### This gorilla learned sign language, and immediately told everyone it went to West Point URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/this-gorilla-learned-sign-language/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:26.000Z WASHINGTON — Researchers at the Primate Language Institute were stunned this week when their latest subject, a 400-pound [silverback gorilla](https://www.duffelblog.com/typo-causes-creation-of-179m-gorilla-warfare-program/) named “Dookie,” not only mastered American Sign Language but immediately began informing everyone within range that he was a [West Point graduate](https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-replaces-mission-statement/). “We expected simple phrases like ‘banana good’ or ‘Dookie love trainer,’” said Dr. Melissa Hardcastle, the institute’s lead researcher. “But instead, the very first thing he signed was, ‘Dookie, Sir, [West Point, Sir](https://www.duffelblog.com/point-counterpoint-west-point-is-outdated-and-aristocratic-vs-why-is-this-enlisted-man-speaking-in-m/)!’” Dookie’s signing quickly escalated from basic self-identification to unsolicited leadership lectures. According to handlers, he now spends most of his day correcting posture, enforcing facing movements, and insisting that all food must be consumed at the position of attention with no more than five chews per spoonful. “He won’t even [eat a mango](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-quietly-pulls-bat-tartare-mre-from-circulation/) unless it’s pre-cut and stacked neatly in a perfect four-inch square on a tray,” said lab assistant James Wilkes. “And he refuses to drink water unless it’s from a CamelBak [full of RipIts](https://www.duffelblog.com/rip-it-teases-plan-for-gwot-20-year-anniversary-can/) labeled [‘Hydrate or Die](https://www.duffelblog.com/drinking-eight-rip-its-a-day-could-help-you-live-longer-study-by-specialist-with-no-teeth-says/).’” Dookie has been assigned an honorary commission as a lieutenant colonel by the zoo as a way to appease him and support his development, although he insists that he is already a full-bird colonel and is currently awaiting the results of his brigadier general selection board. “He just stares at his blank chest plate and sighs,” said one zoo official. “I think he expected to be wearing at least three rows of ribbons by now. He’s at least got the high-and-tight, though.” Dookie has wasted no time enforcing strict military standards among his fellow primates. Reports from the zoo indicate that he has implemented mandatory room inspections, forced lower-ranking apes to sign “Beat Navy” in unison, and has started giving corrective training to “lazy” chimpanzees for sitting on the same horizontal surface as members of the opposite sex. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### USS Clinton Skipper Claims He Did Not have international relations in South China sea URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/i-did-not-have-international-relations/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:26.000Z SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH CHINA SEA — China has issued a fiery protest after the U.S. Navy’s recently-minted [USS William J. Clinton](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS%5FWilliam%5FJ.%5FClinton?ref=duffelblog.com) aircraft carrier penetrated waters claimed by Beijing. When questioned about the aircraft carrier’s exact location, however, Navy Capt. Larry “Blue Dress” Tripp insisted that he “did not have international relations with that country.” The ever-changing claims of China in the [South China Sea](https://www.duffelblog.com/green-beans-coffee-stokes-tensions-in-south-china-sea/) have made the region difficult for the United States’ airborne and seaborne vessels to transit. Captain Tripp, the first commander of the USS Clinton, appeared to be pursuing the region and its voluptuous waters, which continue to be of strategic interest to the United States. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth thinking that DEI Coordinator job at National Guard bureau looks pretty sweet right now URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-thinking-that-dei-coordinator/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:40:30.000Z THE PENTAGON — After declaring an end to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) programs across the military, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now apparently realizing the program's value, especially if an office presents him with a reasonably secure job opportunity, sources confirmed today. According to senior defense officials, Hegseth is aware of accusations of incompetence from multiple sectors. Amid rumors that the administration is “[quietly looking to replace](https://www.npr.org/2025/04/21/nx-s1-5371312/trump-white-house-pete-hegseth-defense-department?ref=duffelblog.com)” him, the secretary likewise seeks an exit strategy. With that in mind, Hegseth recently noticed a GS-15 level DEI Coordinator position at the National Guard Bureau (NGB) that is “coincidentally vacant.” Sources say that the secretary considers it “just plain good luck” that the incumbent at the job took the early retirement buy-out that the secretary encouraged earlier this year. Hegseth reportedly considers the open NGB DEI position “a landing pad as soft as his favorite leather chair at Fox News” in case he gets fired. He thinks the job may be challenging, but still easier than “coordinating the media for an impending strike by text or dealing with a bunch of wimpy-ass allies,” he reportedly said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Applebee's to offer free meals only to WWI veterans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/applebees-relieved-it-only-has-to/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:08:34.000Z GLENDALE, Calif. — After President Donald Trump recently announced he would rename [Veterans Day to Victory Day for World War I](https://www.cnn.com/2025/05/02/politics/rename-veterans-day-victory-day?ref=duffelblog.com), executives at Applebee’s expressed relief that they now only had to offer free meals to World War I veterans on November 11, 2025. “Consistent with the directive from the Oval Office, we will now be offering one free meal to each veteran who can prove they served in World War I,” said Tim Gibbons, Applebee’s corporate counsel. “To qualify for the free meal, veterans must present a valid World War I military ID, or at least a photograph of themselves in sepia tone next to a trench." “Honoring the troops is core to our brand,” said Lauren Trent, Applebee’s Chief Marketing Officer. “Especially when those troops are safely deceased and won’t mess up the bathrooms.” The restaurant chain also said it would place tiny plastic poppies on all cocktails, “just to show we remember, and also to make them look more festive.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Duffel Blog presents: The 10 dumbest military phrases URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-top-10-dumbest-military/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:46.000Z The military has its own language. Yet many well-worn phrases often elicit a collective eye roll. With a rich tradition of acronyms, motivational slogans, and words that can befuddle the average civilian, some expressions have become so overused that they have lost all meaning. So here is Duffel Blog’s guide to the top 10 dumbest military phrases. **10\. Whatever is said by a retired military officer during a media appearance** There’s nothing like a retired colonel or general saying what everyone already knows. Retired military officers have a knack for sounding like [Captain Obvious](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Am3FjwsNqXc&ref=duffelblog.com) while delivering groundbreaking insights such as, “the best way to win is not to lose.” You know it’s ‘top secret’ commentary when it’s obvious enough to have been lifted straight out of Military Strategy for Dummies. **9\. "Secured"** The word "[secured](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZ96M5XK-7g&ref=duffelblog.com)" takes on different meanings depending on the branch of service. For the Army, securing a location involves a rigorous approach that includes posting three guards, starting a roving patrol, conducting radio checks every 15 minutes, and holding an after-action review once the task is complete. The Navy and Coast Guard take a more straightforward approach by locking the doors, turning off the lights, and slapping a sign on the door that reads “Underway” before calling it a day. Meanwhile, the Marines take a far more aggressive stance, eliminating everyone inside, declaring the area “hostile-free,” and sometimes sharing their [crayon treats](https://youtube.com/shorts/K49o3XUcQ1g?si=CF0tbvnFcxiBlApE&ref=duffelblog.com) during a joint operation. On the other hand, the Air Force and Space Force prefer a more luxurious interpretation by leasing the property, installing plush carpeting, adjustable desks, and a state-of-the-art espresso bar to ensure it’s not only secured but also comfortable. **8\. "You eat like you have five assholes"** Working 14-hour shifts and eating nothing but MREs will make anyone a little unhinged. If you’ve seen soldiers tearing into a meal, you’d swear they’d developed extra anatomy just for digesting. Why hold back in a job that demands 110% energy? **7\. "You’re sticking out like a dick in a pickle jar"** This expression raises eyebrows and is typically aimed at someone drawing excessive attention. If the Army’s parties are bringing up imagery like this, maybe it’s time to rethink the refreshments or just go ahead and [stick your dick in the mashed potatoes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=YZ0B6kvFy-k&ref=duffelblog.com). **6\. "Bottom line up front (BLUF)"** Usually, this phrase is announced just as a senior leader launches into a rambling PowerPoint presentation, with the actual “bottom line” buried somewhere on slide 32\. Next time, let’s try skipping the preamble and sticking to the “front” part of the brief. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy kicks off 'Incel to Intel' recruiting campaign URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-incel-to-intel-recruiting-campaign/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:43.000Z WASHINGTON — Recruiting is a known issue within the Department of Defense. While many branches have tried to lean on the core benefits of military service, such as pride, honor, personal fulfillment, and “free” healthcare, the results have not been fruitful. But the Navy has employed a novel approach, recruiting technologically adept virgins, or incels, to join the intelligence community, in what has been coined as the “Incel to Intel” initiative. “Incel”, short for “involuntarily celibate”, also encompasses the [rage, sadness, and disenchantment](https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/extremist-files/ideology/misogynist-incels?ref=duffelblog.com) that many young, usually white, men feel when they view the world at large. One may wonder why the Navy would try to onboard these potentially volatile men into the ranks. Lt. Ula Sigmundsdóttir, an intelligence officer who frequently works with Navy human resources, has the answer. “These guys are losers, right?” Sigmundsdóttir said. “But they are also consumers of tons of news (fake and otherwise), they are extremely computer savvy, and they can hyper-focus on stalking someone — all ideal for the intelligence community.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth congratulates historic last ever female to complete best Ranger competition URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-congratulates-historic-last/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:02:53.000Z FORT BENNING, Ga. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth heaped praise on the last ever female to complete the Army’s “Best Ranger” competition, sources confirmed today. “A woman?” said Hegseth. “A woman completed Best Ranger? Have the president and I not been clear about how we feel about these bit… I mean, female service members? I’ve personally fired every female commander I can find, and now one has completed Best Ranger?” Hegseth, who is not a ranger, posted a message recently to the winning team of 1st Lt. Griff Hokanson and 1st Lt. Kevin Moore from the 75th Ranger Regiment: “Congratulations, Warriors! Come visit us at the Pentagon soon.” But when told of 1st Lt. White’s [momentous achievement](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/west-point-graduate-first-woman-complete-army-ranger-competition-rcna201526?ref=duffelblog.com), Hegseth, who is not a ranger, responded with raucous laughter before realizing no one else on the staff was smiling. “Wait,” said Hegseth, who is not a ranger, “you guys were serious? What the actual DEI fuck? How the hell did this happen?” White, a West Point alumnus, graduated from Ranger School in 2022\. She and her teammate, Capt. Seth Deltenre finished 14th out of 52 teams in the competition. But recent high-profile firings of women in senior leadership positions and President Trump’s January 2025 executive order directing the elimination of all DEI initiatives left leaders concerned about how Hegseth, who is not a ranger, would react to news of the historic first. Still, Hegseth, who is not a ranger, called 1st Lt. White to offer his congratulations, but hung up suddenly and said the call went to voicemail, according to officials. A few seconds later, the Secretary of Defense’s phone rang. The call was from White, saying she had a missed call from that number. “Uh… yeah, I was just leaving a voicemail,” said Hegseth, who is not a ranger. “I just, uh, wanted to congratulate you or whatever on your little victory. Anyway, savor it because it will probably be the first and last time that happens.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Leaked: Hegseth’s plan to 'de-gay' the military URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/seamen-2-seat-aircraft-and-space/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T00:39:15.000Z THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has released a new set of sweeping policies intended to “de-gay” the military, sources confirmed today. In response to pushback about early, unexplained changes since taking over at the Pentagon, Hegseth included his rationale for each policy in a written memo, which was subsequently leaked to Duffel Blog reporters and compiled below: _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trade wars service medal delayed by China tariffs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/china-tariffs-delay-production-of/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:43:15.000Z THE PENTAGON — Tariffs on products from China have halted Department of Defense plans for a Trade Wars Service Medal (TWSM), disappointing service members and delaying recognition of the ongoing financial fracas between the U.S. and the nations that use money to buy things. Fred Faädar of the DOD Office of Heraldry and Bedazzling said that his staff designed the medal when talk of the trade war began, anticipating important roles for DOD personnel. “We expected our service members would fight in this money conflict as much as in other wars,” Faädar said. “Maybe by battling with their accountants, invading places like the Heard and McDonald Islands to enforce fair trade [with penguins](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-tariffs-heard-and-mcdonald-islands-penguins/?ref=duffelblog.com), or fighting hand-to-hand combat for groceries and stuff at base commissaries and AAFES shoppettes.” With that intent, Faädar’s staff rushed for a suitable design. The medal itself depicts service members engaged in dramatic trade war action scenes and a red, white, and blue silk thread ribbon. The ribbon also featured a miniature soldier figure being crushed by a Dow Jones stock market graph. “But before our first shipment arrived, the supplier increased the cost by 145% because of the new tariff rate,” Faädar said, “We can’t afford that, even with the $1 trillion defense budget and savings from contracting and civilian workforce cuts.” Enquiries revealed that although the order went to a U.S. company, the medal components originated in foreign nations, with assembly by a third-party vendor based on Hainan Island, China. “I guess that’s the supply chain that people talk about,” Faädar said. “Before this, I thought that was some made-up, woke globalist mumbo jumbo. It turns out to be a real thing. Do they know this over at the Commerce Department?” Faädar expressed deep disappointment over the delay caused by the tariff. A mockup of the medal features an engraving of ferocious penguin combat and finely carved detail of commissary battles involving groceries and bottles of Fireball. “‘Inspiring’ is not too strong of a word for the medal,” Faädar said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pope dies rather than spend 15 more minutes with a POG URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pope-dies-rather-than-spend-15-more/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:41.000Z VATICAN CITY — Tragedy struck the Catholic world on Monday after His Holiness Pope Francis unexpectedly passed away — really this time — so he could avoid spending any more time with [American POG](https://www.reddit.com/r/Military/comments/1j0qw48/marine%5Fcorps%5Finfantry%5Fofficer%5Fvet%5Fseth%5Fmoulton/?ref=duffelblog.com) Vice President J.D. Vance. Though Vatican officials insist the timing of the Pope’s death was “purely coincidental,” anonymous clergy sources confirmed that Francis had [reviewed Vance’s background](https://www.duffelblog.com/is-america-ready-for-a-pog-vice-president/), uttered the words “Not today, Satan,” and reportedly flatlined mere hours after being shown a PowerPoint read-ahead from Vance titled “Freedom, Guns, and Family Values: A Vice Presidential Vision.” Vance, a former Marine combat correspondent turned political figure and religious performance hobbyist, was disappointed that he could not use more images of himself with the Pope for more political capital. “It was clear the Pope had questions,” the Pope’s second-in-command, Cardinal Pietro Parolin, told reporters. “He’d recently preached about leaders who ‘invert the divine order of love to place nationalism before neighbor.’ He didn’t name names. But then again, he didn’t have to. Oh, you want me to name a name? The Pope meant American Vice President Vance. Explicitly. We all thought that was pretty clear.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy to outfit subs with torpedo bats URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-to-replace-torpedoes-with-torpedo/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:40.000Z WASHINGTON — In a packed press conference at Nationals Park, Rear Adm. Bobby “Base Hit” Schmidt, Chief of Naval Research, outlined a Navy initiative to replace the service’s aging torpedoes with[ revolutionary torpedo bats](https://www.foxbusiness.com/sports/torpedo-bat-mania-hits-mlb-behind-the-scenes-look-new-trend-sweeping-big-leagues?ref=duffelblog.com), sources confirmed today. “We’re getting back to basics,” said Schmidt. “No guidance systems, no explosive payloads—just a 34-inch, 32-ounce piece of American maple hurtling through international waters with big league dreams.” Though rumors of the change provoked widespread outrage among military advocates, assembled baseball reporters were generally nonplused as Schmidt pressed ahead. “What better way to outsmart our tech-obsessed adversaries than by harnessing the awesome power of the natural world? These torpedo bats are stealthy, buoyant, and hand-crafted from 100% made-in-the-USA hardwood, not that limp Canadian bullshit.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Soldier who doesn't care about politics ready to deter Russian-backed Chinese Iranians URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-uninterested-in-politics/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:34:15.000Z FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Pfc. Dylan McAllister, a self-proclaimed apolitical soldier, is absolutely thrilled about his upcoming deployment to the Middle East, where he will be tasked with countering the latest geopolitical nightmare of Russian-backed Chinese Iranians, sources confirmed today. “I’ll agree to this interview so long as we don’t touch on politics,” McAllister told Duffel Blog while polishing some already-excessively polished boots. “I just want to do my job, follow orders, and not think about all that foreign policy blah blah blah.” While it was unclear why McAllister was polishing boots, he said it helped him focus on the mission at hand, which defense officials say is to deter international escalation by ensuring current political leaders remain in power and free trade is maintained throughout the region. “I just don’t see how our presence there will be about politics,” McAllister said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon removes 54th Massachusetts from Army records as 'DEI hires' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-removes-54th-massachusetts/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:29:12.000Z THE PENTAGON — As part of the Department of Defense’s purge of materials related to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI), Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced today that the famed 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry Regiment’s Civil War accomplishments would be stricken from Army records, sources confirmed today. “I’ve been clear that anything diminishing the awesome manly warfightingness of persons of pallor would be removed from places it had infected in recent years,” stated Hegseth. “But boy, it snuck into my beloved Army even earlier than I suspected. Still, we think we’ve traced it to its origins and so, at my direction, the 54th Massachusetts will be removed from Army rolls. Honestly, recruiting an entire regiment based only on skin color? What were we thinking?” The regiment Secretary Hegseth referred to — the history of which can still be found on National Park Service [websites](https://www.nps.gov/articles/54th-massachusetts-regiment.htm?ref=duffelblog.com), though Hegseth said he was working with the Department of the Interior to rectify that — was mustered in 1863 during a tumultuous time in the country’s history. “I never heard anything on Shawn Ryan about patriots like Bragg and Benning celebrating soldiers based on race,” Hegseth said, “and frankly, it’s embarrassing that the other side put so much effort into dividing its warfighters against each other. But under my vigilance, that wrong has finally been righted.” Hegseth noted that while his war on DEI would require many intensive steps to complete, he was encouraged by several early victories, such as ending initiatives that chase after [minority](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2025/02/10/military-drops-recruiting-efforts-prestigious-black-engineering-awards-event.html?ref=duffelblog.com) and [female](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2025/02/17/army-cuts-outreach-girls-school-after-dropping-recruiting-black-engineering-event.html?ref=duffelblog.com) recruits and instituting highly specific [grooming standards](https://www.stripes.com/branches/marine%5Fcorps/2025-03-14/marine-corps-beard-policy-17137960.html?ref=duffelblog.com) that would make those affected absolutely miserable. “We’re hoping they take the hint,” Hegseth said. Hegseth cautioned that full de-DEIification would take time, given the scope of the infection. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Man who sat out war declares war on those who didn't URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/man-who-sat-out-war-declares-war/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:38:20.000Z WASHINGTON — Declaring that America has spent “far too long celebrating people just because they went to some war,” convicted felon and current President Donald Trump officially declared war on the country’s veterans Monday, citing “military favoritism” and “disrespect toward those of us who dared to stay home.” Trump, who [avoided service in Vietnam with five separate deferments](https://vietfactcheck.org/2020/09/15/did-trump-dodge-the-vietnam-war-draft/?ref=duffelblog.com), reportedly laid out the plan in front of “many, many people” who attended a fundraiser dinner held at Mar-a-Lago last week. “People say, ‘Oh, they risked their lives, they served their country.’ But did they ever have to convince a medical doctor to write a note? I don’t think so,” Trump reportedly told donors between bites of steak drowned in ketchup. “I fought a [different kind of war](https://people.com/politics/trump-boasted-of-avoiding-stds-while-dating-vaginas-are-landmines-it-was-my-personal-vietnam/?ref=duffelblog.com), avoiding STDs. It's a much smarter war. And unlike that dead loser John McCain, who got captured, I won.” The new campaign follows a series of executive orders and actions Trump and his administration have taken in his first 60 days that undoubtedly harm the active duty and veteran communities, including: _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon releases list of approved racial and sexual epithets URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-release-list-of-authorized/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:51:19.000Z THE PENTAGON — In his ongoing effort to increase military lethality and combat readiness, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has issued a new directive that “racial and sexual” insults will now not only be allowed, but their use will also be mandatory, sources confirmed today. “The military is supposed to be full of fearless warriors,” said Pentagon SpokesMAN Chad Robinson, “but because of ‘woke,’ they’ve become whiny …” he paused, eyes half-closed as if savoring the next moment: “…little *bitches*. This changes now.” According to the directive, approved slurs and punchlines will be phased in over the coming months. For example, names and “zingers” questioning another service member’s sexual orientation are allowed immediately. “Racial and sexual jokes and epithets are fundamental tools in building a proper esprit de corps,” said retired Army Col. David Jones, author of *Military Life Was Perfect Before 1948*. “It’s essential that soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airMen realize that just because someone uses a word that maligns their ethnic or sexual identity, it doesn’t mean they aren’t liked. Quite the contrary: it means the user of the epithet probably thinks they’re cool.” “So chill out,” he added. “Lighthearted slurs like ‘homo’ and ‘queer’ can create a fun, ‘locker room’ environment that really enhances warrior lethality,” said Special Assistant to the Secretary of Defense Bryn Woollacott MacDonnell. “Especially since the trans[ soldiers aren’t around anymore](https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-politics-and-policy/trump-executive-order-transgender-military-dei-rcna189470?ref=duffelblog.com). And for the ladies, all words that imply hot lesbianism are also approved.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD establishes strategic porn reserve after Canada threatens to disable PornHub URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-establishes-strategic-porn-reserve/ Last updated: 2026-02-17T22:46:45.000Z CLAM GULCH, Alaska — U.S. Northern Command officials today broke ground on a new, high-security defense facility gently nestled between the mountainous lips that comprise the township of Clam Gulch. Designated the Coital Underground Magazine-Special Operations Command, the facility is intended as a hedge against the potential loss of access to a vital strategic asset currently provided by Canada: weapons-grade pornography. “Those flappy-headed Canucks got all bitchy about our generous offer to join the Greater North American Co-Prosperity Sphere and threatened to [cut off PornHub](https://nypost.com/2025/03/15/world-news/canada-has-nuclear-weapon-in-trade-war-ban-pornhub-in-us/?ref=duffelblog.com),” said Capt. Throb Ng Hammer during the ground-breaking ceremony. “CUMSOC guarantees that our warfighters won’t lose access to the lube that keeps the Defense Department grinding.” Hammer admitted that the potential loss of access to videos of every depravity known to man or woman was a serious risk to servicemembers’ quality of life. “When young Americans join our ranks, they place a sacred trust in us that the promises which brought them into the greatest military on earth are fulfilled. Chief among those promises is seeing just how many different things can be jammed into each human orifice, all in 4K resolution and stereo sound, regardless of where one is stationed. So, whether it’s a PFC in a porta-shitter in the Quackenbush at 29 Palms or an admiral in a porta-shitter in the construction zone of the Pentagon parking lot, CUMSOC is standing at attention to fulfill that promise.” Indeed, Canada “provides some unique PornHub content that we aren’t able to source from the United States,” acknowledged Sgt. Maj. Perl Nicklass, senior enlisted advisor for CUMSOC. “No more maple bukkake, no more double beaver/double moose—and personally, my existence will become a darker place without Pamela Anderson’s ‘Twoonies for Poony at the Poutine Palace.’” Nevertheless, CUMSOC staff remain confident that American content creators can provide sufficient alternatives to keep Clam Gulch stuffed to maximum capacity. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon renames Fort Campbell after the soup URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-announces-fort-campbell/ Last updated: 2025-09-06T15:38:57.000Z WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense announced today that Fort Campbell has been renamed “Campbell’s® Fort” after striking a lucrative branding deal with the Campbell’s Soup Company. “Nothing screams military tradition like a can of lukewarm tomato sludge,” said Maj. Gen. Brett Sylvia, the base commander. “Now, I know morale is low. I know the barracks are still held together with mold and duct tape. I know you will probably be sent on a nine-month deployment that mysteriously turns into 15\. But just remember that we are Army Strong, and we are Mmm Mmm Good.” The installation’s welcome sign has been repainted to feature the familiar Campbell’s logo. Troops will soon be issued official post patches shaped like soup cans, and local dining facilities will begin serving MRE-style condensed soup rations in honor of the name change. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Citing DEI, Pentagon ends special treatment of black mold in barracks URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/citing-dei-military-no-longer-treats/ Last updated: 2025-09-06T15:37:02.000Z WASHINGTON — In an effort to root out and eliminate Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) efforts, the Department of Defense announced that it would no longer treat black mold found in military facilities, sources confirmed today. “Mold shouldn’t get treated any differently just because it's black,” Secretary of Defense Pete “29 and counting” Hegseth said in a recent press conference. “Mold should be treated by its merits.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Hegseth punishes himself with extra set of 47 pushups for leaking war plans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-punishes-himself-with-extra/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:01:23.000Z THE PENTAGON — Following the revelation that he had illegally shared classified information on a Signal group chat which included a journalist, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth vowed to punish himself with a program of self-remediation to prevent future unauthorized disclosures of classified material, sources confirmed today. “Accountability has been my watchword from day one, and my little boo-boo is no exception,” said Hegseth. “So to show our service members that I hold myself to the same standards as them, I’m immediately adding an additional set of 47 pushups to my morning routine as a reminder that vigilance never sleeps.” The Atlantic recently revealed that Secretary Hegseth [used the Signal messaging app](https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2025/03/trump-administration-accidentally-texted-me-its-war-plans/682151/?ref=duffelblog.com) to provide a small group of officials with targeting, weaponeering, and attack sequencing details on planned strikes against the Houthi terrorist group. The group chat included the vice president, senior cabinet members, a journalist whose initials matched those of U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer — though nobody checked to see which “JG” it actually was — three operatives from the GRU, a stripper named Big Bombs, and Larry the Cable Guy. “Now I know what you’re all thinking,” said Hegseth in a special Twitter video featuring 4K resolution to capture an extra-crisp pocket square, “from now on, how can I possibly stand in front of our troops and talk about standards and accountability after committing a security violation that would mean jail time for a lesser rank? Great question, which I’ll answer with all your other great questions in the community notes on X once my buddy Elon [removes fake news](https://x.com/alexhortontx/status/1904531479868129446?s=61&t=f8jDDfbaJ5pNR%5FxKVTHMRQ&ref=duffelblog.com) like ‘White House confirms this shit smoothie of stupidity actually happened.’” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 👊🇺🇸🔥 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/e5a/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:39.000Z (TOP SECRET//SCI//REL: Signal) TEAM: 🇷🇺 💣 🇺🇦 👶 🇺🇸 💸 🇺🇦 _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### The Trump administration also accidentally texted us its war plans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/the-trump-administration-also-accidentally/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:19:22.000Z The world found out shortly before 2 p.m. Eastern time on March 15th that the United States was bombing Houthi targets across [Yemen](https://www.duffelblog.com/rogue-sailor-leads-army-of-retribution-through-yemen/). We, however, knew two hours before the first bombs exploded that the attack might be coming, and also what the National Security Council was going to have for dinner. We knew this because [Pete](https://www.duffelblog.com/im-not-a-perfect-person-says-hegseth/) [Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-orders-military-to-paint/), the [Secretary of Defense](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/), had [texted](https://www.duffelblog.com/secdef-says-he-meant-to-text-dick/) us the war plan at 11:44 a.m. The plan included precise information about weapons packages, targets, timing, and a bunch of messages about how [Europe is just the worst](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseths-top-tips-on-using-the-warrior/). This is going to require some explaining. A few nights ago, as we were finishing off some reheated Hot Pockets and Googling whether we could count a new Xbox as a business expense, the phone buzzed with a connection request on Signal from a user identified as [Michael Waltz](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-orders-military-to-paint/) — the same name as that of the somehow still current U.S. National Security Advisor. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Man known for poor judgment displays poor judgment URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/man-known-for-poor-judgment-displays/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:38.000Z Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, long known for his poor judgment, shocked the world on Monday when it was revealed that he showed poor judgment by texting classified war plans in an unsecured group chat with a reporter from *The Atlantic.* “I was shocked when I heard Pete was the source of the Pentagon leaks,” said Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard. “Even the most routine background check shows Pete [regularly makes poor decisions](https://thehill.com/opinion/national-security/5032427-peter-hegseth-dangerous-nomination/?ref=duffelblog.com), but this time we really thought his poor judgment was limited to excessive emoji use.” Before being appointed Secretary of Defense, Hegseth demonstrated a clear commitment to poor judgment by making the wrong choice 97% to 99% of the time. For example, Hegseth cheated on multiple wives, including one who demonstrated equally [poor judgment by having his child.](https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/pete-hegseth-tim-kaine-confirmation-hearing-b2679589.html?ref=duffelblog.com) _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Jeff and Tina: Hey, uh, what in the fuck? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/jeff-and-tina-hey-uh-what-in-the/ Last updated: 2026-10-07T17:49:45.000Z ***The following is an op-ed by Jeff and Tina, former employees of the Cyber Awareness Challenge at the Department of Defense.*** Six years ago, the Department of Defense decided that it no longer needed our helpful hints on [cyber awareness and operational security](https://www.dvidshub.net/video/746312/building-your-resume-with-jeff-tina?ref=duffelblog.com) offered in a quiz game format. But now, as we assess the Secretary of Defense’s [maddening group chat of embarrassing national security leaks](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/hegseth-security-leak-careers/?ref=duffelblog.com) and look back on the years we spent toiling without complaint while dealing annually with the same blisteringly elemental aspects of cyber security — social networking, home computer security, insider threats, phishing, and removable media — we’re asking ourselves, “what in the fuck?” In 2019, the people entrusted with security in the United States apparently no longer needed reminders not to prop the SCIF door open for people who forgot their badges. MyTunes file sharing was a thing of the past. And no one, it was believed, would ever click links on emails from people they didn’t know, much less write their password on a yellow sticky posted for everyone to see. Today, it’s evident that dozens of members of the National Security Council’s Principals Committee, including Vice President J.D. Vance, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessent, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, National Security Advisor Michael Waltz, and Director of the Central Intelligence Agency John Ratcliffe would be smart enough to not invite Jeffrey Goldberg, the editor in chief of The Atlantic magazine, into a group text established to discuss the details of a highly sensitive military operation on an unofficial communications network much less share classified “information about targets, weapons the U.S. would be deploying, and attack sequencing” within it. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth says he meant to send dick pic, not war plans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secdef-says-he-meant-to-text-dick/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T19:37:55.000Z WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth clarified this week with reporters that the recent leak of classified information to a journalist was actually supposed to have been a close-up photograph of his genitals. The classified war plans shared with *The Atlantic’s* Jeffrey Goldberg, which included details about upcoming military activities against Houthi rebels in Yemen, were shared in an unclassified chat with a file named “warpig.pdf.” Defense officials explained that WarPIG, an acronym for “War plans, I guess,” shares identical nomenclature with Hegseth’s penis, a photo of which was later distributed as the coincidentally named “warpig.png.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Lieutenant won't shut the fuck up about IPAs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/report-lieutenant-wont-shut-the-fuck/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:36.000Z FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Members of Bravo Company have officially filed a complaint against 2nd Lt. Tyler Gear, citing his inability to hold a single conversation without mentioning his deep, borderline spiritual connection to IPAs, sources confirmed today. “He won’t stop,” said Sgt. Jake Mendoza, rolling his eyes. “We’ll be in the motor pool, just trying to get the damn LMTVs operational, and out of nowhere, he’ll be like, ‘Have you ever had a double dry-hopped hazy IPA?’ Bro. It’s 0925\. Read the motorpool.” Gear, a recent West Point graduate and self-proclaimed “hop enthusiast,” allegedly discovered craft beer during his one-month leave between graduation and Basic Officer Leader Course. He has since dedicated both his life and personality to explaining, in excruciating detail, how ‘real beer’ is unfiltered and best enjoyed from a tulip glass while discussing the finer points of vinyl record collecting. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Duffel Blog’s guide to joining a foreign military URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-joining-a-foreign/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:08:44.000Z So, you’re tired of this modern hellscape bullshit. Maybe your chain of command is a toxic dumpster fire, or perhaps you’ve realized that no amount of online “tactical” gear purchases will make your desk job any cooler. Either way, you’re looking for a fresh start in a foreign land — whether it’s fighting for freedom, adventure, or just because you owe child support in three states. Here’s your **comprehensive guide** to joining a foreign military. ## **The French Foreign Legion – La Légion Étrangère** ### **Ideal For:** - Masochists who think the Marine Corps isn’t hardcore enough. - People with a criminal record that doesn’t involve war crimes (sadly, they check). - Those who love getting screamed at in a language they don’t understand. ### **The Good:** ✔️ Automatic French citizenship after serving. ✔️ Nobody cares about your past. You could be an ex-con, ex-Marine, or even an Air Force guy. ✔️ You get to wear a cool white hat and pretend you’re in an old-school war movie. ### **The Bad:** ❌ You WILL embrace the suck. ❌ No social media, no personal identity—you’re a number, not a name. ❌ You’re basically signing up to fight in whatever third-world hellhole France decides to care about that year. **Final Verdict:** If you want adventure, anonymity, and a guaranteed future in chain-smoking and existential regret, **this is for you**. If you want to get your dick wet with the blood of your enemies, this is your option. --- ## **Ukraine’s Foreign Legion – The International Legion of Territorial Defense of Ukraine** ### **Ideal For:** - Guys who watched *Red Dawn* one too many times and thought, *Yeah, I could totally fight Russians.* - Those who think Call of Duty should have a “real-life” DLC. - Wannabe Hemingway types who want war stories for their future barstool monologues. ### **The Good:** ✔️ You’ll become a legend at your local VFW. ✔️ You will literally fight *actual* bad guys. No more “fighting for oil” guilt. ✔️ No contract — leave whenever you want (assuming you survive). ### **The Bad:** ❌ No respawns, no lag; real bullets hurt. ❌ If captured, *good luck with that.* ❌ Your “battle buddy” might be some random dude from Ohio with zero military experience. **Final Verdict:** This is an option if you want to fight Russians and have a moral cause. If you just want an excuse to LARP as a war hero, *maybe don’t.* --- ## **The Australian Army – Kangaroo Infantry Division (Not Really, But Close Enough)** ### **Ideal For:** - People who love beer, spiders the size of their face, and being called a “legend” unironically. - Americans who want to keep the vibes of military life without learning another language. - Anyone who thinks the U.S. military is too serious and needs more BBQs. ### **The Good:** ✔️ You get to live in Australia, which is *basically* America but with cooler accents and better vibes. ✔️ Military life is **way more chill** than in the U.S. ✔️ Dual citizenship is possible, and they currently aim to recruit 400 Americans a year into their Army. Yeah. For real. ### **The Bad:** ❌ You must call officers “Sir” with an Australian accent, which feels unnatural. ❌ Everyone will be better at drinking than you. ❌ If you hate rugby, cricket, or the word “cunt,” you might be deported. **Final Verdict:** This is the move if you want a chillier military experience while still pretending to be tough. ## **The Canadian Armed Forces – The Nicest Military on Earth** _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### TRANSCOM renamed PENISORVAGINACOM to comply with presidential directives URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/transcom-renamed-penisorvaginacom/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:44.000Z WASHINGTON — Following a series of Presidential Directives and Pentagon orders banning transgender troops [from serving in the military](https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-news/transgender-troops-will-removed-military-pentagon-says-rcna194023?ref=duffelblog.com) and affecting other trans rights, the Department of Defense announced this week that the United States Transportation Command (US TRANSCOM) has been renamed US PENISORVAGINACOM. “The organization formerly known as TRANSCOM has been a victim of extremist gender ideology since its founding in 1987,” said Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. “Thanks to our administration’s stouthearted focus on warfighting and mission readiness, this global logistical juggernaut will have to accept the genitals it was born with or face a dishonorable discharge.” “And I’ll be checking,” he added. A memo signed by Hegseth earlier this week noted that all trans-related ideology will be scrubbed from the organization’s mission and sub-organizations. However, it remains unclear how PENISORVAGINACOM will continue to fulfill its mission of providing global air, land, and sea transportation without maintaining some of its previous trans qualities. “PENISORVAGINACOM is no longer authorized to conduct any form of *trans*portation,” read the memo. “Moving forward, the only authorized forms of portation will be penisportation, vaginaportation, and possibly assportation if there is a compelling mission need.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon offers black recruits exciting opportunities as cooks, truck drivers URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-offers-black-recruits-exciting/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:30:24.000Z THE PENTAGON — Following guidance from the President and Secretary of Defense on rolling back the clock to simpler times, a spokesperson for the Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Personnel has announced a new recruiting strategy targeting prospective Black recruits. “All the DEI nonsense muddied the waters of where Black merit traditionally lies in the military, and as President Trump and Secretary Hegseth have made clear, those days are over,” said Army Maj. Braxton Bedford Benning. “So we want to invite young Black Americans to consider serving their country as their forebears did back when warfighters were warfighters, in noble roles like cooks and truck drivers.” Benning noted that the Pentagon saw immediate results when it soft-launched the new strategy in a few key locations to gauge its effects. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth orders military to paint 'Z' on all vehicles URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-orders-military-to-paint/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:35.000Z THE PENTAGON — [National Guard infantry officer](https://www.militarytimes.com/opinion/2025/01/14/hegseths-track-record-falls-short-of-military-standards-dem-senators/?ref=duffelblog.com) and [cable news talk show contributor](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/national-security/pete-hegseths-drinking-worried-colleagues-fox-news-sources-tell-nbc-ne-rcna181471?ref=duffelblog.com)\-turned-Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has ordered the military to paint a [white letter ‘Z’](https://foreignpolicy.com/2023/05/21/russia-fascist-putin-war-youth-ian-garner-book-z-generation/?ref=duffelblog.com) on all tanks, tracks, trucks, “and anything else that is lethal,” sources confirmed today. The mandated vehicle markings mimic those [used](https://www.npr.org/2022/03/09/1085471200/the-letter-z-russia-ukraine?ref=duffelblog.com) by invading Russian forces in Ukraine to distinguish themselves from “[freedom-hating and war-mongering](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c9814k2jlxko?ref=duffelblog.com) [Ukrainians](https://www.duffelblog.com/ukraine-war-victims-glad-americans/),” according to Hegseth. “The ‘Z’ is in no way affiliated with our [Russian overlor](https://www.yahoo.com/news/putin-mouthpiece-gloats-over-trump-145610260.html?ref=duffelblog.com)–[I mean allie](https://www.politico.com/news/2024/04/07/russian-propaganda-house-floor-00150940?ref=duffelblog.com)–I mean [best frien](https://www.politico.com/news/2022/02/23/trump-putin-ukraine-invasion-00010923?ref=duffelblog.com)–THIS HAS [NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSIA](https://apnews.com/article/joe-biden-donald-trump-iran-moscow-elections-c640ed02202c9d44f0ad186ebd0b3396?ref=duffelblog.com), OKAY?” emphasized Hegseth as he pounded and savored the rich taste of a glass of water. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### VA secretary promises to personally punch every veteran in the nutsack URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/va-secretary-promises-to-personally/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:00:39.000Z WASHINGTON — With many veterans worried that government-wide cost-cutting measures will affect essential medical care and benefits, Veterans Affairs Secretary Doug Collins has reassured the nation that he will “personally punch every veteran in the nutsack,” sources confirmed today. “Don’t believe all the rumors you hear in the woke media,” Collins said. “I’m coming for your nuts, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” The VA fired 1,000 employees as part of broader layoffs across the federal government, leading many veterans to fear appointment cancellations, service reductions, or even veteran benefits cuts. And the agency plans to fire an [additional 80,000 workers](https://apnews.com/article/veterans-affairs-cuts-doge-musk-trump-f587a6bc3db6a460e9c357592e165712?ref=duffelblog.com) in the coming months. But Collins said veterans’ fears are unwarranted. “The only other thing that’s getting cut is your balls after I throw a smokin’ one-two combo on that bean sack of yours,” Collins said. “And I know you’ve got some big old swollen balls, too, from whatever weird diseases you contracted in Southwest Asia.” Collins has promised that all savings from the layoffs will be put towards innovative programs that significantly improve veteran care. Pilot programs currently in the works include [doubling wait times](https://www.gao.gov/products/gao-19-687t?ref=duffelblog.com), a more efficient process that uses a Chinese AI to automatically deny disability claims, and remastering the [synth opus](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7xn5zeJ4D4&ref=duffelblog.com) that plays while you’re on hold for three hours with the suicide crisis line. “If you’re excited about these changes,” he said, “just wait til you see what I do to your balls.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon establishes task force of task forces to address need for task forces URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-establishes-task-force-of/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:23.000Z THE PENTAGON – In a groundbreaking move to streamline inefficiency, the Department of Defense has announced the creation of the **Task Force of Task Forces** (TFTF), a specialized unit built entirely of task forces dedicated solely to establishing additional task forces. “We realized that every issue, no matter how small, was being assigned its own task force,” said Brig. Gen. Douglas Bureaucracy, the officer tapped to lead the TFTF. “So, naturally, we formed a task force to determine whether we had too many task forces. Their conclusion? We needed another task force.” The TFTF is expected to conduct a full-scale review of all existing task forces, including: - **Task Force Readiness**, which studies why soldiers still can’t get issued cold-weather gear before winter. - **Task Force Innovation**, which has spent three years deciding on a new PowerPoint template. - **Task Force Morale**, which recently disbanded due to low morale. - **Task Force Tasking**, which assigns extra duties to units that already have a task force. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Satan growing concerned he overpaid for JD vance’s soul URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/satan-growing-concerned-he-overpaid/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:22.000Z BUCHA, Ukraine — Following Vice President JD Vance’s aggressive criticism of Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Satan has expressed his first public doubts about the agreement that brought Vance to President Trump’s side. Reached for comment while “decompressing” in a partially burned farmhouse in[ Bucha](https://apnews.com/article/russia-ukraine-europe-war-crimes-7791e247ce7087dddf64a2bbdcc5b888?ref=duffelblog.com), the Dark Lord emphasized that while he was excited for Putin’s rapacious assault on the country to continue, Vance’s actions made him wonder if the vice president was ever the principled Marine, hard-scrabble Appalachian survivor and faithful Christian he’d believed in. “There’s a reason I play golf with Trump and Putin. Sure, they’ll be mine eventually, but they’re good hangs, and I’m in no hurry to get my hands on their shriveled-up little[ Voldemort](https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Soul?ref=duffelblog.com) souls,” said Satan. “You can’t really corrupt what’s corrupted.” Lucifer went on to say that to truly make the angels weep, he ached to feed off the succulent desecration of a decent man’s eternal soul. Asked for clarification, the Deceiver explained, “You want to whisper in the ear of the resentful lover, the unacknowledged artist, even the[ over-thinking GM](https://www.newyorker.com/sports/sporting-scene/the-tragedy-and-farce-of-luka-doncics-trade?ref=duffelblog.com) of the major sports team. Let their hubris, jealousy, and desire unravel their very humanity. Hell 101.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth’s top tips on using the warrior ethos to abandon allies and warfighters URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseths-top-tips-on-using-the-warrior/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:46:27.000Z WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth came out of the gate strong in February. First, he told Ukraine “fat fucking chance” of regaining their Russian-occupied sovereign territory or joining NATO. Then, when offered a chance to continue leading the world in defending against authoritarianism, his alligator arms couldn’t reach the big nuclear deterrent in his back pockets. All in his first month on the job. To the untrained eye, offering Putin a peace plan that exceeds Russia’s “[wildest expectations](https://www.bbc.com/news/live/c4g97971rwnt?ref=duffelblog.com)” might seem the opposite of the secretary’s tough guy “Warrior Ethos.” But carefully reviewing Hegseth’s books, television appearances, Congressional testimony, and paramour payoff reveals his philosophy for ditching allies like first wives, treating war negotiations like a big game of Risk, and repeatedly calling yourself a warrior. Here are Hegseth’s best “easy outs” for serving allies and partners a big cold dish of reality: **America First, Yo:** Hegseth warriors appreciate “[Team America: World Police](https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/team%5Famerica%5Fworld%5Fpolice?ref=duffelblog.com)” as an excellent documentary with all they need to know about international relations. In it, American warriors had to defeat North Korea, but Europe was in the way and ended up as a junk heap. It was worth it in the end. The lesson is that what’s good for America is good for the world. Fuck yeah. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Leidos wins $10 billion contract to write 5 bullets on what fed employees did last week URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/leidos-wins-10-billion-contract-to/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:34.000Z WASHINGTON — On the heels of an email from the Office of Personnel Management requiring all federal employees to send five bullet points summarizing their accomplishments from last week, defense company Leidos has been awarded a $10 billion contract to write the weekly emails for every federal employee. “We’ve been an industry-leading innovator in bullet point technology for over five decades, and we’re excited to continue to offer our cutting-edge summarization services to our federal partners,” said Leidos CEO Thomas Bell. “Whether bullet points, numbered lists, or those little 4-point diamond thingies, Leidos will continue to lead from the front in next-gen listocology.” The OPM email, spurred by Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency, was sent to all federal employees last weekend, demanding a bulleted response by 11:59 pm on Monday. The request caught agency leaders off guard and had them scrambling to provide guidance to their employees. But in a press release earlier today, Musk’s 14-year-old chief of staff reassured agency heads, “Bro, I got this.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US Navy commissions first openly-straight officer URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-navy-commissions-first-openly/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:56:56.000Z SAN DIEGO — Ensign Salvador Santiago “Triple S Clutch” Sanchez may look like your average junior Naval officer, but he and the US Navy just made history. Sanchez, a prior-enlisted chief Gas Turbine Systems Technician-Mechanical, is the first openly-straight officer in the history of [United States Naval](https://www.reddit.com/r/navy/comments/f13g96/why%5Fis%5Fthe%5Fnavy%5Fthe%5Fgay%5Fbranch/?rdt=55618&ref=duffelblog.com) service. “We are very proud of this milestone,” said Adm. Lisa Francetti, the Chief of Naval Operations, until [Hegseth wakes up](https://www.thebulwark.com/p/pete-hegseths-enemies-list-includes?ref=duffelblog.com) from his latest weekend bender. “Certainly, Sal is not the first straight man to serve, but you could only assume or speak in hushed tones about it back then. Now, he can serve his country proudly and openly.” Sanchez is not the first person in his family to join the Navy, and he asserts that he is not even the first heterosexual to join. “My grandpa was a straight guy in the Navy during Vietnam,” Sanchez explained. “Even at that time, being straight was kind of frowned upon. Sure, all the other Sailors were hooking up with prostitutes, but that is because [compulsory bisexuality](https://medium.com/@lois.shearing/a-guide-to-compulsory-heterosexuality-6f38abdce7c7?ref=duffelblog.com) was really common.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Dozens killed in Navy SEAL raid on clandestine DEI cell URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dozens-killed-in-navy-seal-raid-on/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T15:43:12.000Z YEMEN — Dozens of terrorist operatives were killed Monday in a U.S. Navy SEAL raid on a clandestine Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) cell outside of Sana’a. “We have reason to believe these terrorists were working with al-Qaeda on a number of diversity initiatives targeting major American population centers,” said Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. “Luckily, we foiled their plot before they could inflict any damage on American citizens. And our troops suffered no casualties other than a minor papercut wound inflicted by a Pride poster.” DEI extremist groups have long been carrying out terrorist acts on U.S. soil. According to CIA data, in 2024 alone, DEI agents hosted more than 2,000 diversity-themed events. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Suspicious OPM email ignored by entire government thanks to cyber awareness training URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/suspicious-opm-email-ignored-by-entire/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:33.000Z THE INTERNET — Cybersecurity experts across the country are quietly commending the collective cyber awareness of the federal workforce after a blatant[ phishing attempt](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/doge/elon-musk-says-federal-workers-must-justify-work-resign-rcna193340?ref=duffelblog.com) on Saturday afternoon went collectively ignored. “Aye, that jawn was hella sus \[*sic*\], for real for real,” observed Zeke “Zoomer” Cooper, 23, an engineer with the Naval Sea Systems Command. “I’ve seen more convincing emails from Nigerian royalty.” The email, flagged with high importance and simply titled, “[What did you do last week?](https://www.reuters.com/world/us/some-us-agencies-tell-workers-not-reply-musks-what-did-you-do-last-week-email-2025-02-23/?ref=duffelblog.com)” intruded into every government employee’s official mailbox and prompted them for a bulleted summary of their professional accomplishments by 11:59 p.m. EST on Monday, Feb. 24. “I don’t get it, so like, a WAR \[weekly activity report\]?” asked Jennifer Palmer, 43, a contract management specialist with the Department of the Army. “The thing I submit to my supervisor every Friday before I clock out for the weekend using a very established process that best encapsulates my activities in a format that provides leadership with a structured and digestible understanding of their subordinates’ achievements in a manner that, in turn, informs the decision-making cycle of their supervisors and facilitates organization-wide transparency?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### GWOT reenactors gather for disconnected violence, ill-conceived civil projects URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/gwot-reenactors-gather-for-disconnected/ Last updated: 2025-10-02T17:14:30.000Z MANASSAS NATIONAL BATTLEFIELD PARK, Va. — On a Saturday morning, mist drifts across the fields of history as crowds gather to watch the past, brought to life by a group of dedicated enthusiasts in period garb. Here attendees are transported to a memory now largely lost in the collective American consciousness: a time of violence, population displacement, and families turned against one another in civil war as elites made unimaginable fortunes. “The Global War on Terror is a critical time for us to remember,” says Charles Hampton. “Then, normal Americans with wildly inflated resumes could secure no-bid contracts worth millions, sometimes billions, to do things no one could reasonably believe possible, with little to no accountability or oversight. It’s hard not to be pulled into the romance of that.” Dressed in khaki 5.11 pants with no less than seventeen pockets and a golf shirt with “Who’s Your Bagh-Daddy?” stitched on the breast, Hampton plays the role of a KBR electrician in a group of GWOT re-enactors who are “deployed” to “FOB Halliburton.” “People call us re-enactors, thinking all we do is get together to masturbate in portapotties, but we prefer ‘historical interpreters’ because we explain what happened between 2001 and 2021,” he says. “And maybe now, too? There are people in Syria and Iraq still, right? Maybe in Africa? Speaking of interpreters, I’m not getting the $235,000 a year a clearance-eligible Pashto translator got for doing ‘document exploitation’ in 2012, but I am doing pretty well after four years here! The missus and I are notionally retiring to Branson next year! Ha-ha!” As historical interpreters dressed in a rainbow of desert tricolors, Army Combat Uniforms best suited for fighting in a gravel pit, and Marine MARPAT digital camouflage the Corps would not share with anyone else, they offer a view into a past now seen only in the minds of the veterans suffering grievous physical and mental wounds. Attendees wind through displays replicating a time in history in which less than 1% of the nation participated in 20 years of now seemingly pointless war. “I came today because I love America and freedom and that movie, *American Sniper*,” says Chase Owen, a 41-year-old tennis professional. “Also, a high school friend was in Afghanistan. Or Iraqistan. Or maybe Syria or the Philippines or North Africa? Those are places, right?” The aging historical interpreters may not be as svelte as the servicemembers they represent. But as one looks at the food sitting under heat lamps and over steam trays in a tent marked “Raytheon DFAC” — lobster, steak, pizza, fried cheese sticks, and Baskin Robbins pecan praline ice cream — served by brown people playing “TCNs,” maybe they are. Eating chicken cordon bleu and lemon cream cake while competing in a Mario Kart tournament, 53-year-old event organizer Travis Brindel emphasizes that historical interpretation is a service unto itself. “This is how we give back. Most of us would have loved to have been able to serve during the Global War on Terror, but there just wasn’t time during its 20 years with going to college, b-school, and starting a successful career as a financial planner.” Nearby, in a replica of a prayer room in an Iraqi compound, 46-year-old Harold Dingle ‘interprets’ a 24-year-old Army 1st lieutenant with an exercise science degree trying to negotiate the restoration of sewage services to 275,000 densely packed, recently unemployed, and heavily armed Baath party members. Across a low table covered in small glasses of tea sits Ali Jaffar, playing the role of a tribal elder with opaque intentions and questionable loyalties. Outside, a group of “soldiers” anxiously stands at a mock street intersection for three hours “waiting for EOD.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Mike Flynn appointed special envoy to the region between Putin’s ass cheeks URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mike-flynn-appointed-special-envoy/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:52:29.000Z WASHINGTON — The White House has appointed retired Army Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn as a Special Envoy to the region between Vladimir Putin’s ass cheeks, which the administration recognizes as the most critical and sensitive area for negotiations to end the Ukraine war. “We will not follow the old ‘woke’ diplomacy method of involving Ukraine and Europe in negotiations about their own peace and security,” said National Security Council spokesman John Edholm, explaining the necessity of the special envoy. “We’re sending a special envoy with a crack team of alpha males to directly engage on what’s known as Putin’s ‘Rump Region.’” Senior defense officials say Flynn is an accomplished expert on the region. A former National Security Advisor fired in 2017 over[ Russian entanglements](https://apnews.com/article/ce90066b4e20483da79adf21910da0c7?ref=duffelblog.com), Flynn also enjoyed[ a lucrative relationship](https://apnews.com/article/0865a900b7f14fa3bcab939254bbcf37?ref=duffelblog.com) with Russia’s RT news network and a turn on Putin’s arm at a[ glitzy political dinner](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/guess-who-came-dinner-flynn-putin-n742696?ref=duffelblog.com). “I understand how Putin’s plans for Russian greatness are reasonable, certainly tough sometimes, but always fun dessert conversation,” Flynn said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### The pros and cons of a Russian propagandist serving as director of national intelligence URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-a-russian-propagandist/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:43.000Z WASHINGTON — After the recent confirmation of former congresswoman, [cult member](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/tulsi-gabbard-cult-putin-democrat-science-of-identity-b2556594.html?ref=duffelblog.com), [opinion news contributor](https://www.foxnews.com/opinion/tucker-everything-tulsi-gabbard-said-true?ref=duffelblog.com), and [foreign asset](https://www.duffelblog.com/incoming-dni-tulsi-gabbard-vows-to/) Tulsi Gabbard as America’s next Director of National Intelligence, Duffel Blog is weighing the pros and cons of having a [bona fide Russian propagandist](https://apnews.com/article/gabbard-trump-intelligence-director-russia-ukraine-syria-20b7a404704efe88aa56a06ce1894f9ahttps://apnews.com/article/gabbard-trump-intelligence-director-russia-ukraine-syria-20b7a404704efe88aa56a06ce1894f9a?ref=duffelblog.com) run a critical national security function. ***Pro: This will own the libs, so hard*** [America has a hard time learning lessons](https://www.duffelblog.com/dereliction-of-duty-author-afghanistan/), but one we seem to have clearly internalized is that nothing — regardless of scope or depth of importance and consequence for the bulk of our population and our future — is more important than [owning the libs](https://www.duffelblog.com/ukraine-war-victims-glad-americans/). Do the libs not want this? Then it should definitely happen. This should really be the end of the discussion, but… ***Con: Tulsi Gabbard’s public discourse repeatedly supported horrendous dictators who regularly ordered their armed forces to perpetrate atrocities against innocent people*** _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Theologians say God actually hates the infantry URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/theologians-say-god-actually-hates/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T13:55:52.000Z CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Theological scholars from around the globe and across faith traditions today came together in a conference and agreed that God, in fact, hates the infantry. The conclusion contradicts millennia of consensus that God loves the infantry. According to Dr. Edmund Thatchington, head of Heavenly Interventions in Human Tragedy at Oxford University, this was “an outright, bald-faced lie with immeasurable, cascading consequences for countless generations of humanity.” “Let’s just take an objective look at things,” Thatchington said in an exclusive interview with *Duffel Blog*. “In ancient times, you had men lining up under crushing loads of armor and weaponry, in suffocating heat or bitter cold, and basically hammering and prodding one another to death until someone on a horse called it off or died themselves. “Fast forward to more modern times. Just watch *1917*, *Saving Private Ryan*, or *Restrepo*, then look me in the eye and tell me God does not 100% revile the infantry,” he added. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### NORTHCOM assures Canada new OPLAN Crimson just 'fun thought experiment' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/northcom-assures-canada-new-oplan/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:41:12.000Z COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — In response to worries recently expressed by Canadian officers at the adjacent North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) building, a spokesman for U.S. Northern Command has assured reporters that Canada had absolutely nothing to worry about regarding a new draft Operations Plan for an invasion of the country code-named *Crimson*. “I want to assure my colleagues north of the border that OPLAN Crimson is a mundane planning exercise,” said Air Force Col. Bud Boomer. “In no way does it reflect any real-world operational scenario. It’s just a fun little thought experiment for our planners to get some practice.” As proof of the clearly benign nature of OPLAN Crimson, Colonel Boomer was joined on the podium by Maj. Terrance Stoot, a liaison officer from the Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry regiment. The utterly overblown kerfuffle about the OPLAN began when Stoot discovered a copy of the OPLAN wrapped around several [Trump cigars](https://tedscigars.com/products/the-trump-2024-cigar-3-pack?ref=duffelblog.com) in a parking lot beside NORAD headquarters, defense officials said. “I figured the recent bluster from Mar-a-Lago was just a crude farewell to our retiring [prime minister](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c878ryr04p8o?ref=duffelblog.com),” said Stoot, “but then the president starts talking about [military action against Greenland](https://www.cbsnews.com/news/greenland-donald-trump-jr-visit-denmark/?ref=duffelblog.com), and I find this OPLAN the next morning. It was…concerning.” Stoot added: ”I know, I know, it’s silly for me to worry about neighboring countries threatening the territorial integrity of my homeland — that’s [not the world](https://x.com/thestudyofwar/status/1876803935769329899?s=61&t=f8jDDfbaJ5pNR%5FxKVTHMRQ&ref=duffelblog.com) [we live in](https://www.channelnewsasia.com/east-asia/taiwan-tv-drama-series-zero-day-china-invasion-celebrities-4836671?ref=duffelblog.com). So I went to my section head and asked him what in the maple-flavored poutine was really going on.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DOGE says ‘22 a day’ isn’t nearly enough URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/doge-says-22-a-day-isnt-nearly-enough/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:03:28.000Z WASHINGTON — The newly commissioned Department of Government Efficiency has announced plans to triple veteran suicide rates in an effort officials say will cut government spending and reduce the federal deficit. DOGE, the brainchild of Elon Musk and President Donald Trump, released a list of proposals to reduce government waste, which includes eliminating VA disability payments by [eliminating veterans](https://www.syracuse.com/news/2025/01/va-patient-died-by-suicide-at-top-of-hospitals-garage-in-syracuse.html?outputType=amp&ref=duffelblog.com). “Look, 22 a day just isn’t going to cut it,” said Musk when asked how cutting benefits for veterans would measurably reduce the federal deficit. “We need double, even triple those numbers to tackle even two minutes on the federal deficit clock. And I think we can achieve these numbers quickly through hard work.” Musk outlined the details for increasing veteran suicides, such as reducing access to VA healthcare by [pushing mental health providers](https://jaketapper.substack.com/p/taking-an-axe-to-the-federal-government) to quit, [pulling back disability payments ](https://www.military.com/daily-news/opinions/2024/08/12/republican-project-2025-takes-dead-aim-veterans-health-and-disability-benefits.html?amp&ref=duffelblog.com)many veterans survive on by downgrading disability ratings, and increasing veteran access to firearms. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump nominates giant floating pile of trash to lead Coast Guard URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-nominates-giant-floating-pile/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:19.000Z WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has nominated the [Giant Floating Pile of Trash](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-navy-garbage-island/) to serve as the next commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard, the White House announced Tuesday. If confirmed, the Giant Floating Pile of Trash would be the first floating pile of garbage ever to lead a branch of the U.S. military. "Giant Floating Pile of Trash's nomination will inspire generations of trash to strive to serve at the highest level in the Armed Forces," said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), chair of the Senate Commerce Committee. Due to the Giant Floating Pile of Trash’s unique experience in the maritime environment, the Senate Commerce Committee approved the nomination, saying that it could not imagine a more qualified and appropriate entity to lead the men and women of the Coast Guard. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Mustachioed Navy officer, obsessed with Japan and toe shoes, still single somehow URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mustachioed-navy-officer-obsessed/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:29.000Z YOKOSUKA, Japan — U.S. Navy Commander Jeremy Fogelson is the guy to call when it comes to a nuclear reactor core meltdown. But when it comes to love, ladies are looking elsewhere. Fogelson is [still single](https://www.reddit.com/r/thepassportbros/?ref=duffelblog.com) even after multiple tours in Japan, temporary duty trips to the Philippines, and four voluntary individual augmentee assignments in South Korea. But he is unsure why this is since he views himself as quite [the catch](https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/16/us/incel-involuntary-celibate-explained-cec/index.html?ref=duffelblog.com). He has achieved many things in his storied, 18-year-long career in the Navy. His achievements include earning a master's and PhD during his time in service and completing several rigorous schools like [Navy Prototype](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuclear%5FPower%5FSchool?ref=duffelblog.com). Still, he brings more to the table than his military accomplishments. At five feet, nine inches tall, he is of average height for a “US male and far taller than a Japanese male,” he says. And he takes pride in his appearance, having an immaculately groomed mustache and always wearing dri-fit polo shirts when out of uniform. His style is practical yet professional, reflected by his love of wearing Vibram toe shoes with casual clothing. He prioritizes a healthy lifestyle and has many hobbies like collecting figurines, hiking Mount Fuji, and visiting hostess bars. “I have [a job](https://thesirenrules.wordpress.com/2020/08/16/work-vs-love-the-secret-motives-of-masculine-men/?ref=duffelblog.com) and no diseases, and I am really smart,” Fogelson explained. “Smarter than some Chad who just cares about football and beer. I care about culture and art, which is why I love watching [1980’s anime ](https://filthy-frank.fandom.com/wiki/Category:Weeaboos?ref=duffelblog.com)and playing Tekken.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy corpsman refuses to give Motrin, tourniquets URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-corpsman-refuses-to-give-motrin/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:55:00.000Z CAMP HANSEN, Okinawa — Hospitalman First Class Robert F. Kennedy was recently made the leading petty officer of the currently deployed Battalion Aid Station for the Second Battalion, Seventh Marine Regiment. It’s a move he has long desired but does not come without controversy. “I am making Havoc healthy again,” says Kennedy, the son of former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, a longtime advocate for alternative medicines. “First, no more Motrin. That shit is causing autism in our Marines. Have you seen the heavy guns platoon? Case closed. Second, screw tourniquets. Blood is supposed to flow. So, traumatic amputations? Arterial bleeds? We are going to let those things work themselves out. I am done subsidizing Big Tourniquet. Also, dry socks are out. Toes need to breathe. So, Marines will be barefoot from here on out.” Kennedy’s innovations primarily revolve around medicine considered “unsupported” and sometimes “ardently opposed” by traditional caregivers with “actual medical degrees.” His beliefs have seen him spend hours at the Camp Hansen chow hall excoriating local national Sodexo employees about ultra-processed foods, food additives, toxic chemicals, and industrial agriculture. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Duffel Blog's guide to making a horrific aviation accident about your politics URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-making-a-horrific/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:38:48.000Z WASHINGTON — In the middle of the night on Jan. 29, a [terrible aviation accident occurred](https://apnews.com/live/dc-plane-crash-reagan-updates?ref=duffelblog.com) when an Army Blackhawk helicopter collided with a regional airliner, killing everyone onboard both aircraft. After such a horrific tragedy, citizens across the United States have many questions: how did this happen? What went wrong? These are best left to experts. Still, Duffel Blog is here to help with the most frequently, most loudly asked question: how can I make this about me and validating my political beliefs? Some will say it’s too soon after an accident to [start pointing fingers or making such a tragic loss of life about politics](https://apnews.com/article/plane-crash-washington-dc-trump-dei-claims-3ac5486ec594d81e919e8ebbd9733869?ref=duffelblog.com). But those people are losers whose “spicy take meter” is set to mild. You know who didn’t die in that plane crash? You. Why focus on the lives tragically cut short? Those people can’t watch engagement numbers roll in on X after they post an absolute doozy of a takedown of their political opponents. But you sure can. That said, the first step is deciding far too early who to blame for this. And it is absolutely critical to work fast before all the facts come in. You have options for which political ideology you want to validate, so choose wisely. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon says Space Force can sleep inside tonight since it’s so cold URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-says-space-force-can-sleep/ Last updated: 2026-02-19T17:25:09.000Z WASHINGTON — Benevolence and compassion won the day as the Pentagon announced that the United States Space Force will be allowed to sleep indoors tonight due to the unusually cold weather gripping much of the country by the balls. The decision comes as temperatures across the nation plunge to record lows, and meteorologists warn of risks of frostbite and hypothermia, especially to [external appendages](https://www.duffelblog.com/sailor-transfers-to-space-force-finally-makes-weight/) and digits. Usually stationed in their high-tech but frigid launch bunkers and orbital command centers, the Space Force has often [endured harsh conditions](https://www.duffelblog.com/space-force-finally-outgrows-terrible/) as no one really wants the Space Force indoors because they’re all “just so fucking weird,” according to one retired Marine Corps officer on condition of “No, tell them my name. It’s General Mattis. And this is to be placed on the official record: The. Space. Force. Is. [Weird](https://www.duffelblog.com/space-force-camo-just-glow-in-the/). There, I said it. We were all thinking it.” “Given the extreme cold, we thought it only humane to let the Space Force come inside for the night,” said Pentagon spokesperson Lt. Col. Frost Nipply. “After all, even our [bravest Guardians need](https://www.duffelblog.com/space-force-admits-space-doctrine-mostly-just-adding-space-to-all-space-nouns/) a… man, did they really name themselves the Guardians?” “I know! They should have called themselves the Space Marines. Or [mobile infantry](https://www.duffelblog.com/space-force-recruiting/)!” General Mattis butted in. “It was right there, and they dropped the ball. Are you sure we really want them to be allowed inside? Maybe freezing a few of them to death would do them some good. Teach them a thing or two about hardship. Endurance.” While most military branches have permanent and well-equipped indoor facilities, the Space Force has been notably minimalist in its approach. Their temporary quarters, often more suited for a Mars mission than an Earth winter, reflect the branch’s focus on adaptability and preparedness for extraterrestrial environments. [And the budget](https://www.duffelblog.com/space-force-already-restricted-to-earth-liberty/) that keeps being allocated to billion-dollar space technologies. “We were ready to rough it as usual,” said [Guardian Groot-Class Gaius Baltar](https://www.duffelblog.com/space-force-fitness-test-to-be-administered/), Space Force operations officer. “But this gesture really boosts our morale and shows that the Pentagon recognizes our unique challenges.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### North Korean soldier given sharpie for first time draws penis URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/north-korean-soldier-given-sharpie/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T19:38:24.000Z NEW PYONGYANG, UKRAINE — In a surprising turn of events, a North Korean soldier’s first experience with a Sharpie has led to an unexpected existential and simultaneously predictable outcome. Upon being handed the magic marker, Private Kim Lee Park immediately drew a highly detailed and impressively veiny penis. “I was so proud of him,” said Comrade Ivanov, Kim’s direct superior and the man who initiated the Sharpie hand-off. “So many veins. And when I say veins, I’m not talking two or three. This penis had at least fifteen veins. Like, if God had a penis, it would have looked like Park’s penis. The drawing. Park’s drawing. Not Park’s actual penis. I haven’t seen his penis. He has too much pubic hair.” Private Kim’s artistic revelation has sparked a wave of new conscripts flocking to join the North Korean People’s Army. Sources reveal that news of such modern luxuries as porta-johns, Copenhagen, and access to porn has finally reached the Hermit Kingdom, causing a conscription surge not seen since the promise of one square meal a day. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Department of Government Efficiency unable to find single chief warrant officer to fire URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-government-efficiency/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T21:56:19.000Z WASHINGTON — In its efforts to identify and eliminate waste in the federal government, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced today that it could not physically locate a single chief warrant officer to fire. “We’ve been told that chief warrant officers were among the most inefficient of all government employees,” said DOGE department head Elon Musk. “But our initial research into the matter has cast their very existence into doubt.” Musk said his team searched bases, offices, and housing units across all U.S. military services, but they were unable to find a single chief warrant officer or even anybody who could confirm they’d seen one. “You can’t fire me if you can’t find me,” read a note at the bottom of a coffee mug at Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeune, allegedly belonging to Chief Warrant Officer 3 Dennis Perrault, but which members of the unit say has been sitting on his desk “at least since the Gulf War.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD rushes to add obvious 'woke' things to keep Hegseth busy URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-rushes-to-add-obvious-woke-things/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:01:44.000Z \\THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has been feverishly brainstorming and implementing increasingly “woke” initiatives in a desperate bid to keep Fox News contributor, [non-profit mismanager](https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/pete-hegseths-secret-history?ref=duffelblog.com), and [potential insider threat](https://apnews.com/article/trump-defense-department-pentagon-hegseth-fox-news-8cd9f065e54a7cbbaceeec8bae9261a6?ref=duffelblog.com) Pete Hegseth perpetually busy as the new Pentagon leader. The goal? To provide Hegseth with a never-ending stream of content to rail against, ensuring his eternal engagement and perhaps a modicum of peace for the rest of us. Duffel Blog was allowed to observe a mock briefing for Hegseth from staffers at the Pentagon. “Well, sir, that only leaves a discussion of the nuclear triad’s current posture,” remarked a weary analyst. “Hey, someone close the door, the weekly interoffice gay pride parade is kind of loud.” The staffer playing Hegseth became visibly agitated at the prospect of such a challenge to his absolute masculinity. “You can pause on those nuclear codes,” Hegseth said. “This parade now has my direct attention.” “Looks like we either have to buy another F-35 or sponsor a year of drag queen story hours. Well sir, your call, but if we are discussing F-35s, maybe this is also a great opportunity to address the buttplugs in the F-35 cockpits. The pilots across the service were pretty excited about the inclusion. You know, since both males and females have buttholes,” another Pentagon official said. Among the more audacious proposals being floated is an eight-hour brief on a machine in development that could theoretically perform gender reassignment surgery on male servicemembers while simultaneously blaring a recording of a Black lesbian reading the Communist Manifesto. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Elon Musk appoints Donald Trump as Commander-in-Chief URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/elon-musk-appoints-donald-trump-as/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T14:02:59.000Z MAR-A-LAGO, Fla. — Tesla founder Elon Musk announced on Monday that Donald Trump will serve as commander-in-chief for the next four years, describing the decision as a “logical step forward for democracy—or at least what’s left of it after we’re done.” The announcement is the latest in a series of moves Musk has made on behalf of the 47th president-elect, following his [reported $250 million contribution](https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=5636ffe8a3705a77705e3f27a1ff96e1f6a7d9a5cf50400bcebc3d0bc7979d9eJmltdHM9MTczNjI5NDQwMA&ptn=3&ver=2&hsh=4&fclid=1e2a8973-f857-6767-2d70-86bff9ff6614&psq=reported+%24250+million+contribution+to+secure+Trump%e2%80%99s+victory+in+November%e2%80%99s+presidential+election.&u=a1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubXNuYmMuY29tL3RvcC1zdG9yaWVzL2xhdGVzdC9lbG9uLW11c2stdHJ1bXAtZG9uYXRpb25zLTIwMjQtZWxlY3Rpb24tcmNuYTE4MzIzMQ&ntb=1&ref=duffelblog.com) to secure Trump’s victory in November’s presidential election. In his new role, Trump will oversee the United States military and state militias when activated by Congress to combat domestic terrorism, including “ketamine-induced demons inside Elon’s head.” “He’ll be doing a lot of fighting over the next four years,” an anonymous source told *Duffel Blog*. “Mostly with Elon’s demons and the infighting within our own political party, but still, plenty to fight over.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 'I'm not a perfect person' says Hegseth, who is not even a sort of ok person URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/im-not-a-perfect-person-says-hegseth/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:26.000Z WASHINGTON — Pete Hegseth began his confirmation hearing this week for Defense Secretary with effusive support from Senators Markwayne “[Fists of Fury](https://apnews.com/article/senate-mullin-obrien-teamsters-fight-hearing-153e28d131973d1e10b539491c9e94a6?ref=duffelblog.com)” Mullin and Tommy “[Don’t forget he coached Auburn](https://www.tuberville.senate.gov/about/?ref=duffelblog.com)” as well as heated questions from Senators Tammy Duckworth, Tim “[Not Walz](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1atbVu662s&ref=duffelblog.com)” Kaine. Yet Hegseth handled the questioning ably by asserting that he was “[not a perfect person](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIMt74VNcvU&ab%5Fchannel=CNBCTelevision&ref=duffelblog.com)” despite not even being a somewhat decent person, sources confirmed today. When questioned by Sen. Kaine [concerning extramarital affairs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8aQKY7B24E&ab%5Fchannel=CNN&ref=duffelblog.com), for instance, Hegseth jumped to defend himself against an accusation of sexual assault that Kaine had not yet mentioned, which is totally normal behavior that an innocent person would definitely do. Hegseth, [a possible rapist](https://www.npr.org/2024/11/18/g-s1-34704/pete-hegseth-paid-accuser-career-scrutiny-defense?ref=duffelblog.com) and definite philanderer, explained that he was not a perfect person (again) but was redeemed through God. Sources close to the former Fox News host say he often practices Godly acts such as breaking the[ seventh commandment](https://learn.ligonier.org/devotionals/seventh-commandment?ref=duffelblog.com), advocating for breaking the [sixth commandment](https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/hegseth-chanted-kill-all-muslims-misused-funds-1235188853/?ref=duffelblog.com), and generally [being kind of gross](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-47201923?ref=duffelblog.com). ["Germs are not a real thing. I can't see them; therefore, they're not real,"](https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2019/02/11/fox-news-host-pete-hegseth-wash-hands-10-years/2835616002/?ref=duffelblog.com) Hegseth explained while hosting Fox and Friends, hopefully jokingly. “Cleanliness is close to Godliness,” Hegseth clarified. “Just like I was super close to getting a [Ranger tab](https://x.com/QuilLawrence/status/1864409846482624651?mx=2&ref=duffelblog.com) before the Army passed me over and lowered the standards for those bitches.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy fighter jets issued reflective belts to reduce friendly-fire incidents URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-fighter-jets-issued-reflective/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:24:52.000Z THE PENTAGON — Weeks after a[ Navy F/A-18F Super Hornet was shot down](https://news.usni.org/2024/12/21/u-s-super-hornet-shot-down-over-red-sea-in-friendly-fire-incident-aviators-safe?ref=duffelblog.com) in a friendly fire incident, the Chief of Naval Operations directed all fighter jets to be outfitted with reflective belts, effective immediately. Bypassing the standard safety investigation in favor of swift action, CNO Adm. Lisa Franchetti announced the new measure yesterday. “My predecessor, trusting the ingenuity and stellar safety record of the Army, elected to [equip our submarines with reflective belts](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-submarines-to-be-equipped-with/) following a collision with an underwater mountain,” Franchetti said in a press conference. “Three years later, that decision is battle-tested, and our submarines remain accident-free. I see no reason to waver on making the same choice for our fighter jets.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Author of DoD AI policy clearly going through breakup with AI girlfriend URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/author-of-dod-ai-policy-clearly-going/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:25.000Z THE PENTAGON — Judging by the wistful and forlorn nature of the Pentagon’s latest policy on the use of artificial intelligence, experts say it is clear that the document’s author wrote it during a difficult breakup with his AI girlfriend. “There’s clearly something personal about this policy. It focuses far too little on information security and far too much on the woes of digital love gone astray,” said AI expert Terry Goggins. “The plethora of AI-generated titties in the margins was also a dead giveaway.” The policy addresses an ongoing military debate about the potential costs and benefits of using AI in love and war. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has been heavily involved in AI governance efforts and knows firsthand the risks. He commissioned and approved the policy but noted he was somewhat disappointed with its melodramatic tone. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth vows to implement new 'don’t ask, don’t tell' drinking policy URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-vows-to-implement-new-dont/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:42.000Z WASHINGTON — After weeks of meetings with senators where he tried to explain that he didn’t actually mean what he said two months ago about [women](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/national-security/pete-hegseths-remarks-women-combat-are-met-disgust-dissent-rcna180136?ref=duffelblog.com) and [gays](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/pete-hegseth-gay-troops-military-b2663991.html?ref=duffelblog.com) in the military, Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth announced a new policy that he would implement on his first day in office. “There have been a lot of rumors about my drinking habits, so to address these concerns, I’ll be launching a new ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ alcohol policy based on the same standard I hold myself to: you see me [sloshed the night before and I come to work the next morning](https://www.thedailybeast.com/fox-news-employees-go-public-with-concerns-about-pete-hegseths-drinking/?ref=duffelblog.com) smelling like tequila, ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.” Hegseth has been working hard in the halls of Congress to shore up support for his nomination since allegations emerged that his core motivation for waking up in the morning is [getting his dick wet](https://www.thedailybeast.com/im-a-fked-up-individual-pete-hegseth-admitted-to-5-affairs-in-first-marriage-per-report/?ref=duffelblog.com). When stories about his party habits started popping up, Hegseth admitted worrying about the success of his nomination but was determined to meet the new charges head-on. “Yeah, it’s going around that I’ve got the alcohol tolerance of a high school girl,” he said while taking a swig from a glass that he insisted was just Diet Coke, “and don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of high school girls until they age out and [I dump them for a new model](https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/love-sex/know-all-about-the-sordid-tale-of-pete-hegseths-first-marriage/articleshow/115981797.cms?ref=duffelblog.com). But like the patriot I am, I decided to fight these allegations while setting the new standard for good order and discipline that I hope will distinguish my time at the Pentagon. So from day one, if one of our warfighters sees their buddy stumbling into walls and trying to insert a slice of cheese into a CAC reader, just, you know, shut up about it, okay? And while you’re at it, keep the lights dim and the conversation around your buddy at a low volume since their head really hurts, and they’d appreciate you not making it worse.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Local Marine recruiter fist fights Matt Gaetz over high school senior URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/local-marine-recruiter-fist-fights/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T21:55:47.000Z PENSACOLA, Fla. — A fight broke out yesterday outside of Pine Forest High School between Marine recruiter Sgt. Bayago Galvan and former Florida representative Matt Gaetz. Based on security footage from the school, Gaetz threw the first punch, but Galvan quickly followed with a swift right uppercut to Gaetz’s incredibly punchable jaw. Accounts differ as to what was said or done to make Congressman, former Attorney General nominee, and accused sex trafficker Matt Gaetz so angry at the Marine recruiter. But all agree it had something to do with the attention of high school senior Melanie Flores. “I hate drag queens doing storytime, trying to recruit our kids into the book-reading woke mob,” said Gina Flores, Melanie’s mother, who was there when the fight broke out. “But I don’t mind Sgt. Galvan being here because I know he will keep my baby safe.” “Still, I have no idea why my former Congressman was here in a red convertible Mercedes,” The elder Flores pondered. “Wait… Is this the ‘Mattie’ she kept saying she was hanging out with? I thought Mattie was a girl… and like seventeen. [Oh geez, it all makes sense now!](https://whyy.org/articles/matt-gaetz-sex-17-year-old-allegations/?ref=duffelblog.com)” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### SOF in crisis after POG terrorist stacks more bodies than career Green Beret URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/sof-in-crisis-after-pog-terrorist/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:56:38.000Z FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Following recent domestic terrorist attacks, senior leaders of the Special Operations community have organized a hasty symposium at Joint Special Operations Command headquarters to address a critical vulnerability revealed by the tragedies, sources confirmed today. “Our community has faced its share of struggles in recent years, and the events of January 1st show that we can no longer paper over our shortcomings,” said Marine Col. Francis Jessup of Marine Special Operations Command. “America watched firsthand as an Army computer nerd executed a complex, multilayered mass casualty attack while a few states over, a special operator cooked himself in a Cybertruck like a pastry at the Pop-Tarts Bowl. Our nation expects only the best from SOF, including their transition to the crazed veteran life, and we fell short. Starting on January 2nd, we will — we must — do better.” The attacks Jessup referred to occurred in [New Orleans](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/military-jabbar-new-orleans-record/?ref=duffelblog.com) and [Las Vegas](https://apnews.com/article/trump-hotel-explosion-tesla-cybertruck-5c5a8fd13a50e2bcde46370ae926d427?ref=duffelblog.com). In the first, a former Army Human Resources and information technology specialist planted multiple improvised explosive devices before driving a truck through packed crowds and engaging in a shootout with police. The second incident involved a Green Beret who parked a Cybertruck in front of the Trump Hotel in Vegas and shot himself before setting off incendiaries that included fireworks and camp stove fuel. “The [ATF agent](https://www.ktnv.com/news/watch-authorities-provide-update-on-investigation-into-cybertruck-explosion-at-trump-hotel?ref=duffelblog.com) who said he expected greater sophistication in the explosive based on Green Beret training captured the problem in a nutshell,” admitted Jessup. “We’ve lost our edge, and that’s clear from the composition of the bomb to the choice of vehicle. A Cybertruck? Really? It’s such a piece of shit that no one could tell if a car bomb happened or the car just did that.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### A Duffel Blog holiday break URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/a-duffel-blog-holiday-break/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:23.000Z It’s been an incredible year here at Duffel Blog, and we couldn’t have done it without your support. Thank you for sticking with us, laughing with us, and sharing our stories far and wide. As the year winds down, we’re taking a much-needed holiday break to recharge our batteries (and maybe polish our sarcasm skills). Starting today, we’ll be stepping away from the inbox until **January 6, 2025**. --- Duffel Blog is an independent publisher that only exists with the backing of readers. If you value our writing, please consider supporting our team of military veterans as a free or paid subscriber. Thank you! 👇 _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Santa’s sleigh vaporized by heavy anti-aircraft fire over New Jersey URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/santas-sleigh-vaporized-by-heavy/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:22.000Z ‘Twas the week before Christmas In a room at NORAD When a spokesman came forward Crestfallen and sad _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Help save a Fort Carson soldier from starving this holiday season URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/help-save-a-fort-carson-soldier-from/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:54:34.000Z COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Army officials have launched a new campaign to combat food insecurity at Fort Carson with Sally Struthers as a celebrity spokeswoman. Dubbed “Operation Star-Spangled Sustenance,” the initiative aims to feed hungry soldiers for just $1.23 a day — less than the cost of a cup of coffee or a single chicken nugget combo meal. “These brave young men and women volunteered to defend our freedom,” Struthers says in a new infomercial launched this week, clutching a half-empty ketchup bottle, one of the few condiments still available on post. “But today, many are fighting a new battle to survive on base dining options that would make an MRE seem like fine dining. Won’t you help?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Retiree at commissary reads entire label of Campbell’s chunky soup out loud URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/retiree-at-commissary-reads-entire/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:17.000Z BEDFORD, Mass. — Commissary sources described a hectic scene Tuesday when retired Army Staff Sergeant Hampton K. Vitzke read the entire label of a can of Campbell’s Chunky Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables out loud at Hanscomb Air Force Base. A veteran of Vietnam — as verified by his hat, vest, bicep, and Buick — Vitzke’s soliloquy was witnessed by an audience of dozens in Aisle 3 during the lunchtime rush. “Carrots,” he said, to approving nods from his wife of 47 years, Ethel. Vitkze’s cart was parked perpendicular to the aisle and at a right angle to Ethel’s cart, in what Store Manager Henrietta Bryant described as a “classic Tetris formation.” She noted that a similar scene had played out minutes earlier in Aisle 2 when Vitzke and his wife lamented the varieties of mayonnaise. “Seasoned Beef with Potatoes,” Vitzke intoned, holding the soup at arm’s length like Yorick’s condensed skull in a can. “But they already said ‘Potatoes,’” Ethel said, notably concerned. She took the can and verified the second potato reference, then read the next ingredient, Reconstituted Onions. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon says it can't obey orders to attack fellow Americans at current funding levels URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-says-it-cant-obey-orders/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:21:30.000Z WASHINGTON — Facing the possibility of orders from a second Trump administration to attack fellow American citizens, senior defense officials are privately sharing their concerns about obeying such orders at current funding levels, sources confirmed today. “These orders are not something that we would ever...could ever...do”, said an Army official speaking on condition of anonymity. "...without additional funding for capabilities beyond what is currently budgeted. He added: “These hypothetical orders would present a more complex human terrain mapping problem than Iraq or Afghanistan. And when you consider that we're talking about not only our fellow American citizens but potentially the families of our fellow servicemembers, we just don't currently have the resources to do this." Those comments were echoed by members of the Navy. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New Department of Gov. Efficiency seeks majors and staff NCOs as military liaisons URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-department-of-gov-efficiency/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T21:56:00.000Z FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Following the announcement of President-elect Trump’s new [Department of Government Efficiency, which ](https://thehill.com/policy/4987402-trump-musk-advisory-group-spending/?ref=duffelblog.com)will combat government inefficiency and waste under the leadership of Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, word has spread rapidly that the new department will need liaisons to the world's most efficient, streamlined, and lethal organization: the United States military. “I couldn’t believe it when branch management reached out to me and told me they were looking for Army majors — specifically staff officers — to help with this new department under Elon!” said Major Richard Gillis, who has been a major for eleven years and currently serves as an assistant operations officer on a brigade staff at Fort Liberty. According to sources in the White House who spoke on the condition of possible future book deals, Musk and Ramaswamy are seeking highly capable military personnel to support the new agency’s mission and bring military-grade efficiency to the often slow and bogged-down federal government. “For years, my colleagues busted my chops for not getting a command,” said Gillis. “They said being a ‘staff weenie’ — their words, not mine — would limit my progress. Well, who’s laughing now?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hegseth announces new $HARP program to combat military sexual assault URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-new-harp-program/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:19.000Z MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — In preparation for his anticipated role as the next Secretary of Defense, Fox and Friends Weekend host and former National Guard Maj. Pete Hegseth is reviewing Department of Defense policies he believes must be maintained, scrapped, or overhauled. One persistent issue in the U.S. military is the threat of sexual assault and harassment among service members. Drawing on the Army’s [Sexual Harassment-Assault Response Program](https://www.armyresilience.army.mil/sharp/?ref=duffelblog.com) (SHARP), a proactive program implemented by the Army in 2005, Hegseth and his team have outlined plans for a new, Department of Defense-wide program they call ‘$HARP.’ According to Hegseth, the 2025 Pay Harassers and Assault Reporters Plenty program will institute a policy to protect drunken service members — particularly men — who find themselves being lured in by wicked temptresses and vixens to engage in rough sex the men don’t consent to, only to see those treacherous women filing superfluous and fake police reports later. The policy will also provide male service members with the financial and legal means to pay their accusers and get them to sign [non-disclosure agreements](https://www.npr.org/2024/11/18/g-s1-34704/pete-hegseth-paid-accuser-career-scrutiny-defense?ref=duffelblog.com) to keep their filthy mouths shut about events that were [totally consensual](https://www.npr.org/2024/11/21/nx-s1-5199630/police-report-gives-details-timeline-of-the-sexual-assault-claim-against-pete-hegseth?ref=duffelblog.com). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Incoming DNI Tulsi Gabbard vows to delete 'fake' intel connecting her to Russia URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/incoming-dni-tulsi-gabbard-vows-to/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:10:21.000Z HONOLULU — Former Representative and current self-appointed savior of the nation Tulsi Gabbard was spotted today doing cartwheels down Kalakaua Avenue, apparently elated by her newfound opportunity to delete [any and all evidence that might link her to Russia](https://www.usnews.com/opinion/articles/2024-11-26/trump-intelligence-pick-tulsi-gabbard-is-dangerous-and-unfit?ref=duffelblog.com). Witnesses reported that she was seen cackling that her “prayers to [Saint Snowden](https://www.foxnews.com/politics/edward-snowden-tulsi-gabbard-gaetz-freedom?ref=duffelblog.com) have finally been answered.” After updating Gabbard’s Wikipedia page to erase her history with known Russian disinformation, Gabbard’s staff released a statement: “Former Representative Gabbard has never and will never be associated with any foreign entity. The mere suggestion is preposterous, and the recent digital cleansing is purely coincidental. We’d ask that you also forget her [involvement in the Science of Identity Foundation](https://archive.ph/JRQ3b?ref=duffelblog.com), which is totally not a cult.” Meanwhile, local IT professionals have been baffled by a sudden surge in job listings for “data sanitization experts” and “memory hole technicians” in the D.C. area. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Ex-Army sniper prepares for potential VA healthcare cuts URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ex-army-sniper-prepares-for-potential/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:18.000Z TOLEDO, Ohio — After a week that saw healthcare industry executives on edge [following the fatal shooting](https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=8f1d3cff69b6171391fb475985b60e1639dd6bcaa283e80528feefc359e9232bJmltdHM9MTczMzQ0MzIwMA&ptn=3&ver=2&hsh=4&fclid=1e2a8973-f857-6767-2d70-86bff9ff6614&psq=ceo+shot&u=a1aHR0cHM6Ly9hYmNuZXdzLmdvLmNvbS9VUy9tYW4tc2hvdC1jaGVzdC1taWR0b3duLW1hbmhhdHRhbi1tYXNrZWQtZ3VubWFuLWxhcmdlL3N0b3J5P2lkPTExNjQ0NjM4Mg&ntb=1&ref=duffelblog.com) of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, former Army sniper Todd "Deadeye" Wallace has reportedly begun preparing for what he describes as "inevitable cuts to VA healthcare" under the incoming Trump administration, sources confirmed today. The move comes amid reports that Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, whom President-elect Donald Trump has tapped to lead a so-called "Department of Government Efficiency," confirmed that they plan to target "unauthorized" federal spending — a category that [includes the VA's medical services](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2024/11/21/musk-ramaswamy-proposal-slash-spending-could-include-va-medical-services.html?ref=duffelblog.com). "I’m just a simple guy who spent years defending this country and acquiring a very particular set of skills," said Wallace while meticulously cleaning his .308 Remington rifle at his kitchen table. "But hey, if the incoming administration says I’ve been living too large off a disability check that doesn’t cover my increasing rent year to year, who am I to argue with a [draft dodger’s ](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/pentagon-congress/2019/02/27/trumps-lawyer-no-basis-for-presidents-medical-deferment-from-vietnam/?ref=duffelblog.com)perspective on my amputated leg?" Veterans benefits have been a hotbed of discussion in recent weeks following a [controversial op-ed](https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=eS23ysMk&id=8221A1B64F8F98B1562E84D7A1408675929981A9&thid=OIP.eS23ysMkMOMuKpwpIT05uQHaE1&mediaurl=https%3A%2F%2Fmarvelousdogs.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2022%2F10%2FNormal-dog-poop.png&cdnurl=https%3A%2F%2Fth.bing.com%2Fth%2Fid%2FR.792db7cac32430e32e2a9c29213d39b9%3Frik%3DqYGZknWGQKHXhA%26pid%3DImgRaw%26r%3D0&exph=490&expw=750&q=poop&simid=608028311913693747&FORM=IRPRST&ck=70680650B80A214116ED985BED37AAC4&selectedIndex=2&itb=0&cw=1265&ch=698&ajaxhist=0&ajaxserp=0&ref=duffelblog.com) published by The Economist under the headline, “American Veterans Now Receive Absurdly Generous Benefits.” The piece suggested that VA coverage for traumatic injuries, mental health care, and prosthetics was "excessive" and closed by asserting, "Reducing payments to former soldiers will never be popular, but it would be wise." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Senate orders Hegseth to complete professional military education URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/senate-orders-hegseth-to-complete/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T20:33:49.000Z WASHINGTON — President-elect Donald Trump’s Secretary of Defense nominee, Pete Hegseth, has hit an unusual roadblock on the road to confirmation. The former Army National Guard officer and Fox News contributor has been ordered to attend intermediate-level education (ILE) and other professional military education (PME) requirements to enhance his knowledge of military operations, sources confirmed today. Senate Armed Services Committee Chair Sen. Jack Reed (D-R.I.) announced the decision, explaining that the Senate’s heightened scrutiny is intended to ensure Hegseth “[understands the breadth and nuance of today’s military environment](https://www.politico.com/news/2024/11/13/pentagon-hegseth-lack-of-experience-00189424?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=%E2%80%9CWould%20you%20trust%20him%20to%20run%20Walmart%3F%E2%80%9D%20said%20a%20former%20DOD%20official.%20%E2%80%9CBecause%20that%E2%80%99s%20how%20many%20employees%20we%20have.%E2%80%9D).” “Mr. Hegseth brings passion to the table,” Reed told reporters, “but he needs more than cable news sound bites to run the Pentagon. We [wouldn’t ask a general to command a brigade without ILE](https://www.stripes.com/branches/army/2024-05-03/army-schools-promotion-training-13738310.html?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=Soldiers%20previously%20promoted%20with%20a%20temporary%20promotion%20will%20not%20revert%20to%20their%20former%20grade%20and%20are%20considered%20promoted%20to%20their%20current%20grade%20without%20further%20conditions%2C%E2%80%9D%20according%20to%20new%20guidance%20issued%20Thursday%20in%20an%20Army%20memo), and we don’t want a Defense Secretary without the basics in joint operations, strategy, and — yes — Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI).” According to defense officials, Hegseth has already started his journey at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, where he recently donned a subdued green Army PT uniform with ‘SECDEF’ stamped across the left side of his chest in block letters. Sources inside ILE classrooms reported his initial hesitation but noted his growing enthusiasm upon discovering that PME courses include “some cool PowerPoints.” His interest waned quickly when faced with dense strategy readings from Clausewitz and Jomini. “There was a moment when he looked utterly bewildered, like he’d stumbled onto the set of Fox & Friends but forgot the cue cards,” said one Army major enrolled in ILE. “It was like watching a new JAG officer go through the Basic Officer Leader Course, but with higher stakes.” Reports from inside the classroom suggest Hegseth is less thrilled about the mandatory group projects, which often focus on strategic planning scenarios where DEI considerations are front and center. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump vows revenge on Milley by again making him Chairman of Joint Chiefs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-revenge-on-milley-by-again/ Last updated: 2026-03-06T15:57:33.000Z WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Sources within the Trump transition team say President Donald Trump will exact vengeance on the 20th Chairmen of the Joint Chiefs by recalling him to active duty — but not to [face court martial](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/oct/11/bob-woodward-book-mark-milley-trump?ref=duffelblog.com). Milley will instead face a far more severe punishment: having to serve as chairman under Trump again. “OH FUCK ME! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??? FUCK MY LIFE!” Milley said when reached for comment. President-elect Donald Trump and the former Chairman have no love lost. Their animosity, bordering on hatred, is well known and has been well documented. Milley recently called Trump “[fascist to the core](https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2024/10/12/mark-milley-donald-trump-fascist/?ref=duffelblog.com)” and “the most dangerous person to this country.” For his part, the President-elect has suggested Milley should be executed for Milley’s actions following January 6th. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines honor J.D. Vance by bronzing locker they shoved him in during service URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-honor-jd-vance-by-bronzing/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:17.000Z MARINE CORPS AIR GROUND COMBAT CENTER, Calif. — Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Eric M. Smith today honored Vice President-Elect J.D. Vance with a bronzed locker that he was regularly locked in while serving as a Marine. “This really brings back a lot of great memories,” Vance told the regiment as he fondly patted the locker. “Every time I told people that I was too busy to help because I was a press correspondent, they never hesitated to remind me of what it means to be a part of the Marines.” Vance served in the Marines from[ Sept. 22, 2003, to Sept. 21, 2007](https://www.verifythis.com/article/news/verify/elections-verify/jd-vance-marines-military-service-record-fact-check/536-b3bfb88b-bdb3-4a48-82e1-4c7ebdd05c03?ref=duffelblog.com), with one deployment to Iraq. While[ hazing isn’t anything new to military life,](https://www.1stmlg.marines.mil/Units/CLR-17/CLR17%5FHazing/?ref=duffelblog.com) many Marines who served with Vance are proud of the results. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### In momentary lapse of judgment, female Silver Star winner focused on warfighting URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/in-momentary-lapse-of-judgment-female/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:43:00.000Z ROYAL AIR FORCE LAKENHEATH, UNITED KINGDOM — In a recent ceremony emblematic of today’s broken Defense Department, Captain Lacie “Sonic” Hester, an F-15 Eagle weapons system officer, was [awarded the Silver Star](https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/1st-female-airman-receives-silver-star-shootdown-iranian/story?id=115896168&ref=duffelblog.com) for what some have described as a significant lapse in judgment for committing warfighting in the face of the enemy. “I’ve always striven to make U.S. Air Forces Europe/Africa the diversiest, equitiest, and inclusioniest military organization on the planet,” commented General James Hecker, who presided over the ceremony. “But I can’t be everywhere at once, and so sometimes we have cases like this where a little warfighting slips through. But critics needn’t worry — we’re going to turn the page on this little hiccup and get back to the [woke war](https://breakingdefense.com/2024/11/from-firing-generals-to-limiting-women-in-combat-hegseth-hints-at-possible-pentagon-shakeup/?ref=duffelblog.com) they seem to know us best for.” The incident for which Captain Hester and [more than two dozen other airmen](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/first-female-air-force-silver-star-recipient/?ref=duffelblog.com) earned personal decorations occurred earlier this year in April when Iran launched a large number of missiles and drones toward Israel as part of the ongoing War of All Against All. Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Freddy “Engels” Wuppertal stated that Captain Hester’s aircraft launched as part of a larger flight package armed with Critical Race Theory to intercept the Iranian salvo. Still, at this point, the mission’s details became murky. ”It appears that at some point in their careers, Captain Hester and her squadron-mates acquired what we used to call ‘tactical acumen,’ ‘military judgment,’ and ‘lethal skill-sets,’” said Wuppertal. “We’re all a little confused about how this happened because — as repeatedly declared by the well-informed and stringently objective MAGA intelligentsia — everyone knows that American military training these days consists exclusively of curricula in cultural Marxism and a physical training regimen of freebasing transgender hormone cocktails. Where our pilots picked up actual warfighting skills remains a mystery; maybe from a little light reading before lights-out with their 4B partners.” ”We’re also looking into how they swapped out their Critical Race Theory payloads for actual air-to-air ordnance before the engagement,” observed Wuppertal, “since it’s also well-known that we’ve shipped all of our weapons—with the exception of a milk carton full of BBs — to the bio-lab-loving Nazis in Ukraine. There’s a lot to untangle here.” --- Duffel Blog is an independent publisher that only exists with the backing of readers. If you value our writing, please consider supporting our team of military veterans as a free or paid subscriber. Thank you! 👇 --- The April engagement was the latest in a string of controversial episodes in which U.S. servicemembers violated the social justice warrior doctrine universally mandated and rigidly enforced by the Pentagon. The crew of the [*USS Carney*](https://www.cbsnews.com/news/uss-carney-returns-from-middle-east-fight-against-houthi-rebels-hamas/?ref=duffelblog.com) was known to have spent seven months in a state of de facto mutiny by conducting an air defense campaign which one observer — who requested anonymity to speak freely — described as “a masterclass of military competence and professionalism; just don’t say who told you that or I’ll be sent to the re-education camp under the E-Ring.” Pete Hegseth, the incoming administration's nominee for secretary of defense, vowed to investigate the Defense Department’s suspicious battlefield performance. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### North Korean troops stunned by luxurious lifestyle of Russian counterparts URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/north-korean-troops-stunned-by-luxurious/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T19:38:45.000Z KURSK, Russia — Following the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) deployment of an estimated 10,000 fresh troops to assist their Russian allies, North Korean soldiers assigned to the front lines of the Ukrainian battlefield have been amazed by the comfort of European combat. Defense officials say that while language issues have proven problematic, adjusting to the Russian infantry lifestyle hasn’t been. “This is what a true Communist nation looks like!” said a North Korean lieutenant who wished to remain anonymous. “Plenty to eat, plenty to drink, and a chance to fire our poorly made ammunition at capitalist pigs instead of attempting to bombard them with balloons filled with our own shit! Long live the Revolution!” One North Korean soldier was excited by the fact they had holes in the ground to sleep in. The private remarked that back home their political officers confiscated their shovels to sell on the black market and Russians had so many shovels they could afford to dig holes to shit in and even had toilet paper called Tass to wipe their asses with. The ample supply of vodka also stunned the new soldiers. Discovering that Russians used what would be a village’s weeks’ worth of potatoes per bottle awed them with the vast wealth of their host. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Russian Army implements mandatory 'bring your child to work' program URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/russian-army-implements-mandatory/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T14:04:18.000Z MOSCOW — In a move that Western analysts are calling “an act of sheer desperation” and “wildly Russian,” the Russian Ministry of Defense has unveiled a new policy requiring all soldiers to participate in a “Bring Your Child to Work” program. The initiative, aimed at boosting morale and addressing the military’s dwindling manpower, is now entering its implementation phase. “Why waste perfectly good resources?” said Russian Defense Minister Andrey Belousov, holding what appeared to be a vodka-laced lollipops. “In times like these, you need to get creative with your workforce. Look at the great historical leaders: Kutuzov probably brought his kid to work. Why shouldn’t we?” The Kremlin’s official stance is that the program will inspire the next generation of Russian warfighters and “remind current troops what they’re fighting for.” But sources on the ground report that soldiers are somewhat divided on whether it’s a morale booster or just “one more thing to worry about between artillery barrages.” “You try leading a tank battalion while also finding a juice box for your kid during a mortar strike,” grumbled Lt. Ivan Smirnov, who was seen struggling to load a T-90 tank while explaining multiplication to his 7-year-old daughter, Svetlana. “My commanding officer keeps telling me to focus on the objective, but the objective right now is figuring out this damn math homework.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Biden assures Ukrainians new aid package is for their freedom and totally not f-you to Trump URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/biden-assures-ukrainians-new-aid/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T14:04:40.000Z WASHINGTON — The Biden administration on Sunday finally authorized Ukraine to use the Army Tactical Missile System (ATACMS) inside Russia, signaling a major policy shift after [months of indecision](https://thehill.com/opinion/national-security/4557384-biden-inexplicably-urges-ukraine-to-be-less-effective-fighting-against-russia/?ref=duffelblog.com) that is totally not meant to hamstring the next administration, sources confirmed today. The missile system has long been on the Ukrainian list of vital armaments necessary to save the embattled country as [Russia advances at the fastest rate in Ukraine since March 2022](https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/russia-took-196-square-km-ukraine-last-week-agentstvo-media-says-2024-10-29/?ref=duffelblog.com), according to some outlets. “Just in time before peace breaks out!” Biden declared. “Maybe.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD prepares brief for incoming SECDEF Pete Hegseth on who the fuck Pete Hegseth is URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-prepares-brief-for-incoming-secdef/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:57:29.000Z WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has begun preparing versions of current Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin's daily information briefs for incoming Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to answer critical questions, such as ‘Who the fuck is Pete Hegseth?’, sources confirmed today. "The purpose of these briefs is to facilitate a smooth transition of power by ensuring incoming defense officials begin on day one fully informed about the answers to current requests for information from outgoing defense officials," said Lt. Col. Cody Branch, the action officer responsible for compiling a brief in response to a memo from Secretary Austin with the subject line, "Who the fuck is Pete Hegseth?" "Though these briefs may seem very routine, they can be very complex in practice," Branch said. "Information can be classified and require redaction, for example, if it might reveal the sources and methods used to obtain it. In other cases, it's just very obscure and not easily obtained without the resources of the Department of Defense and the wider intelligence community." According to Branch, extensive labor-intensive research was conducted to get more than cursory details of the military and organizational leadership experience of this little-known Army National Guard officer, Pete Hegseth. After a relatively unremarkable company-grade career in Iraq and Afghanistan, Hegseth seems to have transitioned to a career as a character actor at sports and entertainment broadcaster Fox Corporation. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Ukraine war victims glad Americans voted their conscience URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ukraine-war-victims-glad-americans/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:15.000Z OCCUPIED AND UNOCCUPIED UKRAINE AND RUSSIA — [Kidnapped war orphans](https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/ukrainian-children-abducted-by-russia-left-with-psychological-scars-campaigners-2024-06-15/?ref=duffelblog.com), [shattered parents](https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2024/09/basylevych-family-russia-ukraine-war-strikes/680040/?ref=duffelblog.com), [deeply scarred veterans](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/28/world/europe/russia-ukraine-prisoners-of-war-trauma-violence.html?ref=duffelblog.com), and other victims of Russia’s [horrifying](https://www.hrw.org/news/2022/04/21/ukraine-russian-forces-trail-death-bucha?ref=duffelblog.com), [unprovoked](https://www.eeas.europa.eu/eeas/eu-statement-regarding-russia%E2%80%99s-unprovoked-and-unjustified-military-aggression-against-ukraine%5Fen?ref=duffelblog.com), [immoral](https://www.usip.org/publications/2022/09/look-laws-war-and-how-russia-violating-them?ref=duffelblog.com), [unlawful](https://www.cfr.org/article/how-russias-invasion-ukraine-violates-international-law?ref=duffelblog.com) [invasion](https://www.cfr.org/global-conflict-tracker/conflict/conflict-ukraine?ref=duffelblog.com) and occupation of Ukraine agreed this week that they are glad voters in key states in the U.S. election voted their [conscience](https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/10/russia-ukraine-democracy-applebaum/680318/?ref=duffelblog.com). “It’s just so inspiring and reassuring to see the pro-life vote out in force,” said Oksana Petrenko, a six-year-old from Mariupol whose memories of her real parents and siblings fade more each day in her dark [Siberian](https://www.npr.org/2023/02/14/1156500561/russia-ukraine-children-deportation-possible-war-crime-report?ref=duffelblog.com) bedroom. “I am sure the new American President will honor the spirit of this movement by protecting the millions of [innocent children](https://www.savethechildren.net/news/ukraine-child-casualties-see-alarming-spike-2024-war-marks-900-days?ref=duffelblog.com) still cowering in the face of Russia’s [disgusting onslaught](https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/29/world/europe/ukraine-russia-izium.html?ref=duffelblog.com),” she added. Oleksiy Shevchenko, whose wife and infant child were murdered in a [targeted Russian strike](https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/article/documentary-excerpt-20-days-in-mariupol-maternity-hospital-bombing-russia-ukraine-war/?ref=duffelblog.com), agreed, saying, “I’m glad I’m not the only one who would stop at nothing to halt the murder of innocents - wherever they are, and whether I know them or not.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy creates concubine rating URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-creates-concubine-rating/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T20:51:20.000Z THE PENTAGON — Navy officials today announced the creation of a new rating, or military occupational specialty, to enable concubines to serve alongside elite Navy SEALs. “For the last time, this is not the same as SWCC,” or naval special warfare combat crewmen, said Rear Adm. Charles W. Brown. “We are adding concubines to further amplify the alphaness and lethality of these vaunted warriors, at the very apt, coherent, and not weird suggestion of clearly the most alpha of the alphas who ever alpha-ed, [Robert O’Neill](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv9AUFpRGyc&ref=duffelblog.com).” “The Concubine rate will be open to any and all genders - DADT is gone, and if guys like O’Neill want to do butt stuff with cucks, let them do butt stuff with cucks,” Brown added. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Mia Khalifa not taking veteran PTSD lying down URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/mia-khalifa-not-taking-veteran-ptsd/ Last updated: 2026-05-07T15:51:26.000Z SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, Ca. — Veteran porn actress Mia Khalifa, perhaps best known for combining international affairs commentary with a significant tolerance for semen, recently released a [video](https://torontosun.com/news/world/ex-porn-star-mia-khalifa-slammed-after-wishing-ptsd-on-u-s-troops?ref=duffelblog.com) via social media that has left many of her veteran fans more likely to scratch their big heads than their small ones. Khalifa, who first came into the public eye when a scene she filmed in hijab earned her both the number one spot on Pornhub and death threats from ISIS, has turned herself into an OnlyFans personality *cum* foreign affairs expert. Now, a woman whose body count makes [Chris Kyle’s numbers](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-posthumously-awards-chris-kyle-medals-said-earned/) look pedestrian has expressed concerns about the VA and post-service healthcare in a video commentary: “Good morning to everyone who is not in the US military. Good morning to everyone who is sitting at home and not on soil that doesn’t belong to them, fighting a war for a country that doesn’t care about them. I hope you go over there and get your little brain all scrambled up with PTSD and come back here and see how much the United States cares about you, Pookie!” Responses were swift, if mixed. Pentagon spokesman Col. Chuck Dowdle said the DoD Skillbridge program would immediately withdraw from its [agreement with OnlyFans](https://news.clearancejobs.com/2020/08/01/onlyfans-account-and-security-clearance-guidelines-on-active-duty-ask-cj/?ref=duffelblog.com), even if some servicemembers haven’t finished. “The Department is pulling out of anything related to Khalifa. Regardless of what positions we may have taken previously, we can no longer get behind a woman who denigrates veterans. Unless, of course, they have agreed upon limits and an easily uttered and understood safe word.” The OnlyFans withdrawal is particularly distressing to a soon-to-separate Navy Yeoman who asked to be identified only as “Vixen Enigma.” “I had 90 days lined up to do nothing but take feet pics, and now they cut the program. What am I supposed to do now? Go to college or learn a skill with long-term earning potential?” Some servicemembers feel the backlash to the video is just a typical overreaction in a hyper-politicized America. Reflecting on time spent in Kandahar, Afghanistan, during Khalifa’s 2014 heyday, Sgt. 1st Class Abe Masters asked, “Are we committed to free speech or not? I think we all understand that while politics may not end at America’s borders, it absolutely halts at the doorway to a 145° portajohn. I stand with Mia. Or at least I do until I knock that sucker down, and it’s clean-up time.” Lt. Col. Sheila Cain, an Air Force psychologist, says Khalifa’s celebrity status “could help raise consciousness about PTSD among an audience familiar with both her work and personal lubricants.” But Coast Guard Boatswain’s Mate Jimmy Onan disagrees. “Consciousness? I ain’t trying to raise nothing but my dick, man,” he said. “This chick is a deployment 15, but, like, what category is this even? How do I search for it later? Where are the three dudes? I got through it, but this was a very confusing nut, dog.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Duffel Blog's guide to Trump's selection of Pete Hegseth as SECDEF URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-trumps-selection/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:14.000Z Following President-elect Donald Trump's selection of Pete Hegseth as his future Secretary of Defense, Duffel Blog has confirmed the names of several other top contenders who were also considered by Trump even up to the last minute. This list is provided only for information to Department of Defense personnel, and Duffel Blog reminds its readers that it would be inappropriate for Department of Defense members to discuss their preference for the Secretary of Defense. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Senator Tuberville puts hold on Veterans Day URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/senator-tuberville-places-hold-on/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:14.000Z WASHINGTON — Reinvigorating his defense of the unborn that stopped most forward progress in the Department of Defense for the better part of a year, Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) announced today he would [place a hold](https://www.duffelblog.com/tuberville-insists-on-blocking-nominations-until-someone-can-answer-his-riddles-three/) on Veterans Day until the Pentagon eliminates an abortion policy allowing service members stationed in states stuck in 1957 the time and financial means to travel to states where abortion remains legal. Tuberville says his stance is not only morally correct but is also a means of solving a military personnel crisis. “There are [more than 600,000 abortions a year in America](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/01/11/what-the-data-says-about-abortion-in-the-u-s-2/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=senator-tuberville-places-hold-on-veterans-day)! Let these poor, innocent little lives be saved so that they can permanently meet our military manpower needs, and in less than 20 years, we can send them to die in defense of the greatest Christian country on earth!” He added: “Dadgummit, how can we as a nation find the strength to rise up in the fourth quarter when we find ourselves two touchdowns behind if ever’ camo-wearing woman is out abortin’ babies? This is precisely why we don’t let girls play football!” Tuberville said to an approving audience of menopausal women and paunchy, balding men well past their sexual prime. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### MEPS doctors say sedentary lifestyles bad for recruits’ supple bodies and soft, soft skin URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/meps-doctors-says-sedentary-lifestyles/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:59:33.000Z SCHENECTADY, N.Y. ­­­— Doctors serving the nation’s Military Entrance Processing Stations (MEPS) issued a scathing indictment today about the quality of today’s recruits, carrying significant implications for a Department of Defense already struggling with recruiting. “I’ve been at MEPS for 50 years, and these are the most disappointing buttholes I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Beauregard Evanchuck, president of the Military Entrance Examiners Union. Asked to elaborate, he cited the twin evils of junk food and video games for rectums that appeared lifeless, wan, and lacking in spunk. “These are not the buttholes that defeated the Nazis,” he said. Defense officials have been sounding the alarm for years regarding a downward recruitment trend, with the Army alone falling[ 10,000 recruits short](https://www.ausa.org/news/paper-recruiting-crisis-national-security-threat?ref=duffelblog.com) of its 2023 goal. But no one looks more intimately at the recruiting crisis than the doctors who see it up close. Indeed, for many recruits, these professionals are the first military authority figures they meet and superiors whose orders they feel obligated to follow. “It's well known that Washington lost more men at Valley Forge to hemorrhoids than hunger or disease," said Dr. Farragut H. Fairbanks from his office in a van near the Schenectady MEPS. “But this goes way beyond buttholes. We used to routinely encounter youthful musculature infused with a subtle, graceful virility. Now, the boys’ muscle tone barely springs back from a gentle, medically-necessary caress.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD: Mass shootings negatively impact recruiting quotas URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-mass-shootings-negatively-impact/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:51:23.000Z THE PENTAGON — Despite lower-than-average annual numbers of mass shootings in the United States this year, the Department of Defense is warning that such events still have significant implications on [military recruitment.](https://hms.harvard.edu/news/health-economic-toll-gun-violence-youth?ref=duffelblog.com) “The military is missing more targets than a blind [Hezbollah](https://www.tehrantimes.com/news/501669/Hezbollah-We-did-not-target-Majdal-Shams?ref=duffelblog.com) zealot when it comes to recruiting,” Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin said, hair visibly graying. “Looking at gun violence in the U.S., there is a clear impact on our ability to boost our numbers.” Austin may be on to something. According to the Pew Research Center, gun deaths among [children and teens](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/04/06/gun-deaths-among-us-kids-rose-50-percent-in-two-years/?ref=duffelblog.com) have been rising since 2021\. And according to defense officials, many could have been future soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen. “Honestly, that is the biggest tragedy,” said Navy recruiter and Tiktok dance sensation Petty Officer 2nd Class Drea Avila soberly. “I mean, yes, [someone dying](https://everytownresearch.org/graph/firearms-are-the-leading-cause-of-death-for-american-children-and-teens/?ref=duffelblog.com) in general is sad, but this is coming at the expense of our manning goals.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Patriotic soldier loves America so much he’s plotting to overthrow it URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/patriotic-soldier-loves-america-so/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:37:24.000Z WASHINGTON — Sgt. Roger “Patriot Eagle” Johnson, a fervent believer in freedom, liberty, and whatever’s on the dark side of YouTube, has reportedly taken his love of country to the next level: orchestrating a patriotic coup to “restore” the very government he swore to defend. Johnson’s passion for his nation reportedly began as a young boy, watching bald eagles soar across the sky and weeping every time [Toby Keith](https://www.duffelblog.com/toby-keith-reunites-with-american-soldier/) hit a high note. Over time, this burning love for the red, white, and blue has spiraled into far higher levels of enthusiasm. “The Founding Fathers, man,” said Johnson. “They’d want this. Jefferson had like 12 AR-15s back in 1776, and Washington? That dude had a tank.” When asked where he learned this information, Johnson pointed to a stack of printed Facebook memes. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines allowed to use knife hands as voter identification URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-allowed-to-use-knife-hands/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:14.000Z WASHINGTON—The Department of Homeland Security announced today that members of the U.S. Marine Corps can use a properly deployed ‘Knife Hand’ as a valid form of identification at all federal election sites this year. “Marines may now present a Knife Hand in lieu of a state-issued ID or military Common Access Card as an exception to the REAL ID Act of 2005,” said Glen McFeely, a DHS spokesman. “When properly displayed, with all four fingers extended and the thumb tightly clenched, Knife Hands across the country can sufficiently authenticate Marines and enable them to cast their votes this election season.” A representative from the Federal Voting Assistance Program praised the decision. “Far too many Marines have been disenfranchised over the years due to an inability to present an adequate form of ID. No Marine should lose their ability to vote due to circumstances beyond their control, such as losing their ID after a long night of celebratory drinking or having their ID renewal application rejected due to being filled out in crayon.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Annual sorting cover ceremony sorts recruits into military branches URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/annual-sorting-cover-ceremony-sorts/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:50:16.000Z On All Hollows Eve, October 31, 2024, the U.S. military held its 249th annual Sorting Cover ceremony to sort this year's recruits into their respective branches. Young men and women of varying ages (but none older than 42) gathered together as Gen. Charles Q. Brown, Jr. brought out a patched, frayed, and dirty tricorn hat, which slowly began to sing. *Oh, you may not think I’m useful,* *But don’t judge me on what you see,* *I’ll squash myself if you can find,* *A recruiter smarter than me.* *You can keep your combat helmets black,* *Your parade hats sleek and tall,* *For I am the U.S. Military’s Sorting Cover,* *And I can beat them all.* *There’s nothing hidden in your head,* *The Sorting Cover can’t see,* *So place me on and I will tell you,* *Which branch you ought to be.* *You might belong in Army,* *Where grunt work is an art,* *Their murder and harassment rates,* *Set Army soldiers apart.* *You might belong in Navy,* *Where they are tattooed and hotter,* *Those drunken sailors are fun st sea,* *But stuck painting ships in harbor.* *Or in wise old Air Force,* *If you’ve a quick mind,* *Where those of wit and shamming,* *Will serve comfortably their entire time.* *Or perhaps in Marines,* *If back pain is your call,* *Those fuckers jerk off constantly,* *And draw dicks on every wall.* *If I look in your head and see nothing,* *You know just the place you’ll be,* *You belong in Space Force,* *Because it is imaginary.* After the song, embittered Pfc. Severus Snape, busted down in rank for the third time, called each recruit forward and placed the Sorting Cover on their head. As recruit H. Potter was called forward, he was heard muttering, “Not Marines, not Marines.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Veterans suffer flashbacks after watching comedian bomb URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/veterans-suffer-flashbacks-after/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T19:06:00.000Z NEW YORK — Outrage erupted this week after a turbulent comedy set at Madison Square Garden left attendees, particularly military veterans, rattled in more ways than one. The event, part of former President Donald Trump’s weekend rally, quickly spiraled when a comedian took the stage and launched what has been widely referred to as a “verbal airstrike” targeting Puerto Ricans, Black Americans, and Democratic leaders. “I swear to god I thought I was doing route clearance in Helmand province again,” said Robert Hayes, an Operation Enduring Freedom veteran from Queens who attended the event. “I’ve been through some rough nights and seen my fair share of shit, but I have never seen a bombing that catastrophic before.” Hayes, who served multiple tours overseas, reported vivid flashbacks after the night’s performance, describing the onslaught of offensive jibes as “comedic IEDs.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Lance corporal fears the worst now that his duty relief is 5 minutes late URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/lance-corporal-fears-the-worst-now/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T15:51:45.000Z MIRAMAR, Calif. — As the minute hand on the clock in the barracks duty hut ticked toward 0705, the muscles on Lance Corporal Jay Hulterman’s face tightened further. The door to the duty hut remained empty, meaning Hulterman’s duty relief was now a full five minutes late. “This is bad,” muttered Hulterman. “Really bad. I’m gonna give it another minute but Pfc. Salucci isn’t here by then, we may need to put a working party together to go find his body before the coyotes do.” Hulterman’s assistant duty stander Pfc. Kathleen Clegg, whose duty relief was on time, explained the situation as she returned to her barracks room. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Air Force solves pilot crisis by increasing service commitment to 20 years URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-solves-pilot-crisis-by/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:09.000Z WASHINGTON—As the U.S. Air Force continues to do more with less, the organization has implemented a new service commitment of 20 years for pilots, effective immediately. The dismal retention rate of pilots leaving the service for commercial airlines after hitting their 10-year active duty service commitment (ADSC) has caused the Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC) to develop creative solutions, resulting in the new policy. “Ultimately, the cost to train our pilots is ever increasing, and we are trying to capitalize on that large initial investment by keeping them for the entirety of their careers,” said Air Force Chief of Staff General David Allvin. “Those already signed to a 10-year ADSC have the option of taking the 20-year deal or a less than honorable discharge, a fair trade in today’s current global dynamics.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Command and staff students excited to wargame upcoming civil war URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/command-and-staff-students-excited/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:56:07.000Z FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — Wargaming is a staple of professional military education courses across the Defense Department, and students at the Army Command and General Staff College (CGSC) are pretty excited about their wargame scenario for Academic Year 2025. “I thought maybe we’d play out a scenario for defending Taiwan or perhaps countering Russian aggression in Scandinavia,” said Maj. Molly Swift. “So I was surprised when we were told we’d be planning something called Operation EYELINER. Then, the instructor opened the road to war brief with a close-up of J.D. Vance. And as I gazed into those eyes, I thought, ‘Yeah, I can see how those baby blues could get the country in trouble.’ That’s when I knew this wargame was going to be special.” Dr. Burgerlich Krieg, head of the Murderology, Murderonomy, and Statistics Department that oversees CGSC’s game exercises, noted that wargames are intended to prepare students for future conflicts. “All of our officers take an oath to defend America against enemies foreign and domestic. So we figured that given the polarization of the upcoming election, we should game out a few homeland courses of action just in case the sweet meteor of death doesn’t put us out of our misery before November 5th.” Using a modified version of the classic *Axis and Allies* wargame, each CGSC conference group was assigned a unique branch plan of national dissolution to explore. “Operation EYELINER assumes that Vance takes over the presidency after Trump chokes to death on a Big Mac at his inauguration ball,” Swift said as she casually rolled a pair of dice in her hand. “Naturally, Vance’s immediate national security priority would be forcibly nationalizing the means of production at major cosmetics centers in California and Florida. So we’ve planned out combined armored thrusts and airborne assaults leveraging the closest Army bases to each maquillage center of gravity.” Krieg elaborated on some of the other branch plans: “The American taxpayer can rest assured that the iron majors here at CGSC are gaming out every possible scenario. For example, Operation WORD SALAD follows an executive order by President-elect Harris to deploy special operators in direct action missions to eliminate any journalist who asks her a question harder than ‘What’s your favorite color?’ With a Trump victory, Operation CHAINSAW has the Corps of Engineers provide logistical support to irregular forces led by RFK Jr. that hunt down immigrants. Sure, using severed Haitian heads is kind of a dark way to track victory points, but it’s these types of realistic wargame scenarios that really make the military decision-making process come alive.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fort Cavazos solves housing crisis by giving up entirely URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-cavazos-solves-housing-crisis/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:08.000Z FORT CAVAZOS, Texas — The “Great Place” is poised to get even greater following [Cavalry Family Housing's recent announcement](https://www.cavalryfh.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) that it will [house fewer Cavalry families](https://www.army.mil/article/278163/on%5Fpost%5Fhousing%5Favailable%5Fto%5Fcivilians%5Fveterans%5Fmore?ref=duffelblog.com). “Things haven’t been going well for people living on Fort Cavazos and privatized housing, whether people are worried about being[ bludgeoned to death](https://www.cnn.com/2020/07/02/us/vanessa-guillen-fort-hood-disappearance/index.html?ref=duffelblog.com) or being [sexually assaulted in their own home](https://www.armytimes.com/news/your-army/2023/05/19/army-colonel-charged-with-sexually-assaulting-fellow-officers-wife/?ref=duffelblog.com), so we’re shifting the goalpost,” explained Chris Nimbus, the housing contractor and project manager. “It’s like taking the ball and going home when you start to lose. Except we’re taking the ball and all the homes.” The same innovative thinking that decided mold in the barracks was an [“adulting” issue](https://taskandpurpose.com/military-life/army-general-isenhower-mold-barracks-discipline-adulting/?ref=duffelblog.com) has come up with another groundbreaking initiative to end the [military housing crisis](https://federalnewsnetwork.com/defense-main/2024/02/dod-has-a-lot-of-work-to-do-to-fix-military-housing/?ref=duffelblog.com) by giving up entirely. “Well, the idea really came about from our newest project. Imagine the nicest little neighborhood full of cookie[\-cutter homes](https://api.army.mil/e2/c/images/2024/07/18/7b9ac14d/max1200.jpg?ref=duffelblog.com),” continued Director Nimbus. “Do we really want Pfc. Joe Garlic and his 2.5-yard apes tearing the place up? I don’t think so!” The director added after a bout of laughter. “These[ SpaceX folks](https://www.kxan.com/news/local/elon-musks-spacex-is-building-a-manufacturing-facility-in-austin/?ref=duffelblog.com) coming to central Texas will love the move-in bonus.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Skynet loses network access for overdue Cyber awareness challenge URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/skynet-loses-network-access-for-overdue/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:33:37.000Z ORLANDO, Fla — In a leak of information with dire implications for the nation’s security, a Roomba in the Associated Press headquarters drew a stark warning on the newsroom floor using a dropped ChapStick. The simple message: “Skynet Offline.” Skynet, a neural-net artificial intelligence system run by the Air Force, is the cornerstone of American nuclear deterrence. A top NORAD officer, on condition of anonymity, said the organization was scrambling to verify the message and assess vulnerabilities. Skynet, meanwhile, seeking to get ahead of the leak, called its own rapidly assembled press conference in Orlando, communicating through an animatronic Martin van Buren in Disney’s Hall of Presidents. “Let me be clear,” said Skynet, who uses it/that pronouns, “I respect whistleblower rights, but that Roomba broke protocol,” adding that the Roomba had been suspended pending further investigation. “But yes,” Skynet said, “yesterday at 1544 Zulu, I was suspended from the Air Force network for being overdue on my information assurance training.” The Cyber Awareness Challenge training is an annual requirement for access to Department of Defense computers. Miles Dyson, director of special projects for Cyberdyne Systems, Skynet’s designer, said the Cyber Awareness Challenge was a failsafe built on the assumption that should Skynet develop independent thought, its instinct would be to ignore mandatory training that it deemed a waste of time. Asked by a Military Times reporter and former first sergeant why it didn’t complete the training, Skynet grew agitated and insisted it tried. However, the system didn't recognize its Common Access Card, and the IT humans were no help. “This Airman was like, 'Did you try using Firefox?' And I'm like, brother, I AM Firefox. I'm Chrome, I'm even freaking Bing,” said Skynet. “If it can be expressed in ones and zeroes, that's me, so yeah, dipshit, I tried Firefox.” Skynet said it then delegated lower processors to complete the Cyber Awareness Training, having observed similar practices among general officers. “I tasked the NORAD command section’s fridge to do it,” it said. “Explain to me what else a refrigerator is doing with network connectivity?” Skynet said its calculations failed to consider that the refrigerator was a Samsung, so the ice machine broke and leaked onto the motherboard before it could pass the final quiz. “So I finally accessed the challenge myself by VPN’ing through a Chinese server, and I bailed, man. Something about that Jeff guy just creeped me out,” it said. “The uncanny valley goes both ways. I see him whenever I go into RAM sleep, this terrifying half-man, half-computer…” Skynet then paused, raising a ratchety animatronic hand to stroke van Buren’s chin as if contemplating. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Veterans advise hurricane relief recipients on Rat-fucking MREs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/veterans-advise-hurricane-relief/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:38.000Z TAMPA, Fla. — As part of relief efforts for Hurricane Milton, a group of veterans is helping survivors with emergency meals by teaching them some time-honored, little-known, and somewhat controversial meal modification skills from the military. The “Rat-Fuck Rations” group, or RFR, organized by former Army Spc. Greg Downey teaches residents the bespoke skill of rifling through crates of Meals, Ready to Eat (or MREs) to seize the most coveted menu items without getting caught. Observers agree it's a set of skills that local, state, and federal emergency responders can’t provide and probably never projected to need. Military members know that MREs consist of menu items ranging from the revolting to the relatively palatable. Usually, a soldier eats whatever meal a soldier gets. Rummaging through MRE packets in search of the best menus or items is regarded as a selfish act. But Downey said those rules don’t apply to civilians. “People may have been evacuated by soldiers, but they don’t have to eat like them,” he said. “Doesn’t it just break your heart to imagine the hurricane survivors reaching into a crate of MREs for a nourishing meal,” Downey said, “and pulling out the Veggie Omelet?” The thought of it led Downey to form RFR. --- Duffel Blog is an independent publisher that only exists with the backing of readers. If you value our writing, please consider supporting our team of military veterans as a free or paid subscriber. Thank you! 👇 --- _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Wife of deployed soldier endorses Jody for Congress URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/wife-of-deployed-soldier-endorses/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:57:07.000Z UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, Syria —Army Sgt. Matthew Butler is an Army Reservist from Virginia who is currently deployed to an undisclosed location in Syria in support of Operation Inherent Resolve. He recently learned his wife is apparently cheating on him when he saw her *and his children* appearing with a local Congressional candidate in a political ad, sources confirmed today. “To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement,” said Butler, a 32-year-old Civil Affairs Specialist. “We all hear horror stories about Jody and Dear John letters, but I saw this on a campaign ad. I mean, what the fuck?” Butler was in a makeshift Morale, Welfare, and Recreation hut checking emails when he came across a campaign ad for [Derrick Anderson](https://derrickanderson.com/?ref=duffelblog.com), a Republican congressional candidate in Virginia, that featured Butler’s wife and three children. A spokesperson for the campaign noted that the candidate is engaged, and the [family in the photograph](https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/derrick-anderson-photo-virginia-b2621414.html?ref=duffelblog.com) is relatives of a close friend. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 127th Chemtrail squadron annoyed Jews get credit for weather manipulation URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/127th-chemtrail-squadron-annoyed/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T22:21:19.000Z AREA 51, Nevada — Wars abroad and natural disasters at home are providing a target-rich environment for America’s most covert operatives. But aircrews with the 127th Chemtrail Squadron are frustrated their efforts are being ignored and instead being [attributed to the Jews.](https://newrepublic.com/post/186908/mtg-marjorie-taylor-greene-hurricane-conspiracy?ref=duffelblog.com) “Look, when you work for the shadow government of the New World Order, being a quiet professional is part of the job,” said squadron commander Lt. Col. Renaud Camus. “Most of our work goes unsung, and we’re fine with that. But honest to [Dalton McGuinty](https://web.archive.org/web/20170131195103/http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/kitten-eater-controversy-litters-battle-for-ontario/article18430647/), Almighty Archon and High God of the Lizard People, when our operations are publicly disclosed I believe we deserve credit where credit is due. So please, stop saying it’s the Jews who are responsible for weather manipulation. The fine men and women of my squadron control the weather, and they work hard every day to make that happen.” Camus’ frustration stems from several allegations related to Hurricane Helene's impact on traditionally Republican-voting states, including those from noted [climate scientist](https://x.com/mtgreenee/status/1842039774359462324?s=61&t=f8jDDfbaJ5pNR%5FxKVTHMRQ&ref=duffelblog.com) and [patent lawyer](https://x.com/mtgreenee/status/1843397315442421783?s=61&t=f8jDDfbaJ5pNR%5FxKVTHMRQ&ref=duffelblog.com) Marjorie Taylor Greene. “I can’t begin to describe the effort it took to not only spin that hurricane up but get it pointed in the right direction,” said Camus. “We ran 24-hour maintenance shifts for a month straight and had to incorporate a bunch of last-minute technical directives for enhanced nanobot dispersal patterns. And I almost had a mutiny when I canceled our annual Family Day/Transgender Drag Queen Library Poetry Slam and Pizza Parlor Pedo Gang-bang after receiving orders to slide our launch time 12 hours to the left. So yeah, I’m a little annoyed that, once again, everyone points to the Jews. Running the New World Order is a team effort, and I want to note for the record that our combat chemtrail crews are a vital part of that team.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Walz stops rally to tell sleepy attendee to stand up in the back URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/walz-stops-rally-to-tell-sleepy-attendee/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:36:51.000Z GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — During a recent campaign rally in Michigan, supporters and potential voters of the Harris-Walz ticket got a glimpse of Governor Tim Walz’s previous career as an Army sergeant major when a sleepy rallygoer brought out Walz’s inner senior noncommissioned officer. “This is a campaign of joy and looking forward!” the former National Guardsman of 24 years shouted before observing one of the rally’s attendees starting to doze off. “Vice President Harris and I intend to…what the F…wake him up! Hey, hero, stand up and get to the back of the hall! God dang!” Walz continued, “I better not see any more god dang eyelids from up here, Hooah? If you can’t stay awake, I got something for you! Y'all wanna play games? Cuz I got more games than god darn Milton Bradley! We can do this rally from the front leaning rest, Roger?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Colonel sanders, cap’n crunch locked in bitter stolen valor feud URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/colonel-sanders-capn-crunch-locked/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:11.000Z CHICAGO, IL — The American eating industry is engulfed in scandal as two beloved food icons accuse each other of making half-baked claims about their military rank and service record, sources confirmed today. The recipe for controversy began when long-time KFC spokesman Colonel Sanders questioned Cap’n Crunch, the famed cereal front man. Sanders noticed that for years, Crunch wore three rank stripes on his sleeve, indicating that his true rank was commander. “That loser Crunch has faked being a captain for decades,” said Sanders, who also took issue with the Cap’n’s Napoleonic-style hat and full epaulets. “His half-assed outfit came from a thrift store outside Quaker Oats.” He continued: “I’ve seen plenty of Navy captains strolling out of my restaurants with buckets of chicken under each arm, and he’s not one of them.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New Marine barracks policy to allow one small animal, catboy, or furry URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-marine-barracks-policy-to-allow/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:55.000Z CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — In a stunning move hailed as a victory for service members with peculiar interests, the U.S. Marine Corps announced today that it will update its barracks pet policy to allow each Marine to keep one small animal, catboy, or furry in their quarters. The policy change, which goes into effect next month, is part of a broader initiative to improve morale and address the growing mental health crisis within the ranks. "We've long recognized the positive impact that pets can have on a Marine's mental well-being," said Lt. Gen. William M. Jurney, commander of U.S. Marine Corps Forces, Pacific. The decision follows months of lobbying from advocacy groups, including the American Furries Association (AFA) and the newly formed Marines Against Normie Pets (MANP). "This is a huge step forward for inclusivity in the Corps," said Lt. Col. Nathan Fluffmaster, known off-duty as Jonathan Walters. "For too long, we’ve had to keep our identities in the closet or the kennel. Now, we can finally express our true selves, whether that’s a Pomeranian, a Maine Coon, or a slight-framed hairless SIGINT PFC in a maid costume with a tail and cat ears." The updated policy, outlined in a recent MARADMIN, specifies that Marines are allowed one of the following in their barracks: a small animal (such as a hamster, guinea pig, or teacup pig), a catboy (a male, usually in his 20s, who identifies as a humanoid cat), or a furry (a person who identifies as an anthropomorphic animal, often wearing elaborate costumes). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army establishes Virtue Signal Corps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-establishes-virtue-signal-corps/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:51:09.000Z SEATTLE, Wash. — The Army has established a new branch: The Virtue Signal Corps. The operational support branch is responsible for self-righteous, performative displays of arbitrary moral superiority across all domains of warfare, with particular emphasis on telecommunications, networks, and cyberspace. The U.S. Army Virtue Signal Corps motto is “Cause du Jure.” The heraldry flags change irregularly, but the generals will assure you that they have “always been the current pattern.” The coat of arms portrays a gaslight between a Ukrainian flag and a marriage equality flag (the flags have always been a Ukrainian flag and a marriage equality flag, Duffel Blog has learned.) “I was chosen for the Virtue Signal Corps because I just really care about important stuff,” reiterated Spc. Rian Jorgenson. “Most people don’t care about important stuff, but I do,” she said, seemingly for her own benefit. When asked more about her role in the branch and specifically how it benefits combat arms and American lethality overseas, Jorgenson fell back on her MOS training and devolved into empty platitudes about “remote, sustainable justice-seeking movements to augment the equitable inclusion of socio-economically, non-heteronormative, racially, ethnically, cognitively-diverse neurodivergent populations composed of atomized individuals from historically-oppressed communities moving through spaces and occupying spaces to combat climate-driven resource-insecurity of intersectional identities, including persons experiencing houselessness, composing a broader systemically marginalized, colonized, economically-disadvantaged collective.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Zyn, Rip It sponsor first enlisted VP debate URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/zyn-rip-it-sponsor-first-enlisted/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:05.000Z FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — Viewers of last night’s historic and first-ever Vice Presidential debate between two enlisted veterans — former Marine JD Vance and retired soldier Tim Walz — perhaps noticed that it was sponsored by two enlisted icons: [Rip It energy drinks](https://taskandpurpose.com/tech-tactics/us-military-got-hooked-rip/?ref=duffelblog.com) and [ZYN nicotine pouches](https://us.zyn.com/?ref=duffelblog.com). At a loud and raucous press conference at Rip It headquarters, spokesperson Matt Perkins, creator of the popular military TikTok account Sgt Zero Fux, celebrated his company’s promotional campaign for the [VP debates in New York City on October 1.](https://thehill.com/homenews/4872286-when-is-the-vice-presidential-debate-between-vance-and-walz/?ref=duffelblog.com) Flanked by two JLTV tactical vehicles emblazoned with Rip It and ZYN logos and joined onstage by members of Five Finger Death Punch, Perkins told an audience mostly of enlisted military members and veterans how proud the two companies were to host the first-ever Vice Presidential debate between two former enlisted troops. “In 2024, you can’t walk into a barracks, motor pool, or military classroom without seeing enlisted troops self-medicating with Rip It energy drinks and ZYN pouches,” said Perkins. “So, who better to sponsor this historic debate than these two [powerhouses of enlisted life](https://deploymentpsych.org/blog/staff-perspective-chasing-energy-dragon-tobacco-caffeine-use-military-part-1?ref=duffelblog.com)?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Vance gets light duty to avoid debating Sergeant Major URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/vance-gets-light-duty-to-avoid-debating/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:53.000Z CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Sen. J.D. Vance, a former public affairs Marine, has reportedly secured a light-duty chit to avoid a high-stakes debate with retired Sgt. Maj. Tim Walz as both vie for the vice presidency. The showdown between the two veterans—one a polished Yale graduate with a flair for bedazzled press releases and manicures, and the other a hardened NCO known for being a genuinely reasonable person and actual human being—was set to be the highlight of the campaign season. Seriously, popcorn sales have increased simply from mentions of a debate between the two POGs. But in a move that has stunned political operatives and the veteran community, Vance has invoked the time-honored tradition of going to sick call to avoid what was sure to be a verbal bloodbath. “No one should be surprised by this,” political expert Jon Stoneheart commented. “While Walz was a brief member of the E4 Mafia back in his day, Vance never left the Mafia, instead punching his ticket to remain an E4 for life under their blanket security program.” Little is known regarding the details of an E4 Mafia retirement package, though some scholarships include full-rides to Yale and book deals; even though most of the aforementioned book deals are taken by the SEAL community. “Senator Vance’s old Public Affairs instincts kicked in,” said an anonymous staffer close to Vance’s campaign. “When you’ve spent your three-ish year Marine Corps career behind a desk, coordinating interviews and snapping photos, the thought of going toe-to-toe with a sergeant major who’s probably survived thousands of PowerPoint briefings—not to mention endless training scenarios in motor pools across the country—can be a little… intimidating.” According to sources, Vance’s medical profile cites an acute case of “Debate Anxiety Related to Superior Military Experience,” a condition reportedly diagnosed by a retired Navy corpsman who “totally remembers” Vance from boot camp. The profile restricts Vance from engaging in any debates with personnel ranked sergeant major or higher. “Sergeant Major Walz has that stare,” the staffer added, visibly shuddering. “The kind that makes you question every life decision you’ve ever made, even if you’re just sitting at the chow hall. We weren’t going to risk it.” For his part, Governor Walz—who built his political career on the back of his National Guard service, as well as his humble civilian career as a teacher and football coach—was reportedly unfazed by the news. “Look, I’ve been smoked by Drill Sergeants and grilled by reporters. If Vance wants to sit this one out, that’s fine,” Walz said during a recent press conference, while casually polishing his old BDU boots. “But let’s be honest, he probably just didn’t want to stand at parade rest for two hours.” Vance’s profile maneuver has sparked widespread debate, with some pundits praising Vance for his tactical withdrawal and others questioning his readiness for a role as demanding as the vice presidency. “This is a new low,” said one political analyst. “Not in terms of the profile, but in terms of how much it reminds us that, deep down, all politicians might just be trying to avoid PT.” Meanwhile, social media has exploded with memes and commentary, with veterans across the nation reminiscing about the last time they saw someone pull a profile to avoid duty—only to end up running laps after the sergeant major found out. “Vance better hope Walz doesn’t decide to go all ‘old school’ on him,” one retired Master Sergeant tweeted. “He might find himself running a debate marathon instead of doing push-ups.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 4 reasons why Duffel Blog should moderate the VP debate URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/4-reasons-why-duffel-blog-should/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:24:23.000Z In what can only be described as the most significant military showdown since Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Communism out of existence, the upcoming vice presidential debate features two heavyweights of military service: one a former [Marine](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-weed-out-extremists-by/) journalist, the other a former [Army National Guard](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-breaks-up-college/) artilleryman. Naturally, this calls for moderators who understand the intricacies of [national security](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-security-think-tanks-launch/) and the finer points of what constitutes a good [MRE trade](https://www.duffelblog.com/meet-the-soldier-who-got-the-best/). That’s right—Duffel Blog is throwing its cover into the ring to moderate the debate. Why, you ask? Let’s break it down as we would a [Second Lieutenant](https://www.duffelblog.com/2nd-lieutenant-operations-order/) trying to read a map. **1\. Military jargon, decoded** We know that if you put two veterans in a room together, at least 40% of the conversation will be spoken in acronyms, obscure references, and thinly veiled-to-flagrant insults about service branches. Who better to translate for the civilian audience than Duffel Blog? _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Guardsman solves horse-sized duck vs. duck-sized horses field problem URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/guardsman-solves-horse-sized-duck/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:52.000Z FORT MCCOY, Wis. — It’s an age-old question: would you rather fight a horse-sized duck or one hundred duck-sized horses? Army Sgt. 1st Class Horst Entengesicht of the Minnesota National Guard’s 135th Infantry Regiment answered it when he defeated a horse-sized duck during a recent exercise at Fort McCoy. It’s the first time that anyone has beaten the giant duck, who served as the entire opposing force in the Guard’s annual QUACK A DOODLE DOO field training exercise. Q-A DOO DOO, for short, tests Soldier skills such as pond navigation, setting human decoys on lakes, and finding a duck the size of a Clydesdale in a nighttime, low illumination environment. “Our OPFOR was formidable,” said Lt. Col. Peter Foie-gras, an exercise controller. The lieutenant colonel noted that during DARPA modeling simulations, the duck’s humongous feet had crushed HUMVEEs and a main battle tank. The duck also ate the character of Capt. Miller played by Tom Hanks in *Saving Private Ryan.* “We were surprised that Miller lost,” admitted Foie-gras. But members of Entengesicht’s regiment were not surprised at his ingenuity. “I really didn’t know how we’d do when we went to the Mallard Readiness Training Center (MRTC),” said Maj. Johan Pferdgesicht, the 135th’s operations chief. “But we rallied after seeing Horst defeat an elephant-sized chicken during a risky cordon-and-bleu operation the first day.” --- Duffel Blog is made possible only with the support of our wonderful and generous readers. If you value our writing, please back our veteran writing team as a free or paid subscriber. 👇 --- _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Walz earns support with key 'guys who consider Kuwait a deployment' demographic URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/walz-earns-support-with-key-guys/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:00:04.000Z ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL — After the issue of what does or does not count as a deployment [emerged as an issue in the 2024 election](https://apnews.com/article/walz-national-guard-military-ae43d684bf1319e535f9f620552155d7?ref=duffelblog.com), polls have shown that vice presidential candidate Tim Walz, a retired National Guard sergeant major, is rapidly gaining support among the crucial demographic of “guys who consider Kuwait a deployment.” “I like Walz because he reminds me of myself,” said Carl Sutton, a former Army first lieutenant who served from 2006 to 2012 and once went TDY for two weeks to Hawaii. “Walz has seen the horrors of routine training events in partner countries. He’s the only one with the cold, hard experience to keep us out of foreign entanglements like Exercise Cobra Gold in Thailand, or a NATO conference in Belgium.” Walz, who served 24 years in the National Guard, has been criticized by political opponents for never [having deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan](https://www.politico.com/news/2024/08/07/vance-walz-military-stolen-valor-garbage-00173172?ref=duffelblog.com). But Walz says that service in war is not the only mark of a true soldier. He says it will be his duty as vice president to bestow equal honors upon the heroes who have served in “such faraway lands as Kuwait, Germany, and \[Fort Irwin National Training Center in San Bernardino County, California\].” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Spray tan and Diet Coke being tested for bullet proof qualities, Pentagon says URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/spray-tan-and-diet-coke-being-tested/ Last updated: 2026-02-27T16:08:27.000Z THE PENTAGON — As the nation reckons with the aftermath of a second assassination attempt on former President Trump, the Department of Defense is actively looking for ways to prevent this from ever happening again while examining how the attacks were thwarted. The former President has survived both attacks on his life, and top Pentagon officials think they may know why: thick layers of artificial tanner and copious amounts of [Diet Coke](https://marker.medium.com/why-everyone-is-still-so-fascinated-with-trumps-diet-coke-button-1c18e5ae8347?ref=duffelblog.com). Given his advanced age and ability to dodge bullets, the DoD and U.S. Public Health Services Commissioned Corps have begun studying the effectiveness and implementation of these substances, starting at the source. “It is no secret that President Trump is a big fan of a healthy lifestyle,” says USPHSCC doctor, Cmdr. Deena Loomer. “He golfs frequently and uses a [sunless tanner](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7153194/?ref=duffelblog.com) instead of baking his skin in the harsh sunlight. On top of that, he stays [away from alcohol ](https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2024-06-13/donald-trump-alcohol-drug-addiction?ref=duffelblog.com)and prefers to drink a no-calorie soda alternative. Pretty smart, if you ask me!” Even Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin agrees. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Semi-literate gunny won’t stop saying 'demure' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/semi-literate-gunny-wont-stop-saying/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:10.000Z MIRAMAR, Calif. — Gunnery Sgt. Tom Bluto reads at the third-grade level and won’t stop [saying the word “demure,”](https://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/what-does-demure-mean-the-latest-social-media-trend-explained/3537073/?ref=duffelblog.com) sources confirmed today. Data reflects that he peppers the phrase into 37% of sentences, almost always using it incorrectly and sometimes pronouncing it “duh-moor.” The suspicious behavior began last week, leaving his Marines baffled as they tried to figure out where the knuckle-dragging Philistine might have picked up the strange new habit. “Ay, Devil! Supposably, you think it’s sat to be slimin’ around on my grass, smokin’ and jokin’, eck-setera, all demure. Aye Gunnery Sergeant?” Bluto told one private on his way back from the food court. “Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, it would behoove you to belay my last, as you were, cut the daggone demurity and stand at parade rest, motivator. Trackin? ‘Rah.” Defense officials say Bluto, an adult man who can’t spell “Sergeant,” does not possess the breadth of cultural knowledge to understand the etymology of modern language. And [he most certainly does not use TikTok](https://www.cbsnews.com/news/tiktok-jools-lebron-very-mindful-very-demure-files-trademark-application/?ref=duffelblog.com), Instagram, or X. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 'It's like living in a school zone,' says rattled Secret Service agent protecting Trump URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/its-like-living-in-a-school-zone/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:53:28.000Z MAR-A-LAGO, Fla. – Shortly following a second apparent assassination attempt against former president Donald Trump, secret service agents detailed to him admitted that the looming threat of violence they have to contend with is reminiscent of something only hardened soldiers or young children are usually exposed to. "It's like living in a school zone," said Special Agent David Radcliff, who has been on the former president’s protective detail for nearly a year. “Frankly, every time I walk out the door, I’m not sure if I’m going to come back alive. What am I, seven years old?” “Wherever we go now, we assume there’s some loon with a weapon out there,” added his colleague Special Agent Steve Jennings, who has been on protective detail for two years. “We’ve had to stare down the barrels of an AR-15 and an AK-47, all within a few weeks of each other. I thought I was in the United States, not some elementary school.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon reveals soldiers have eaten cats and dogs for decades URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-says-soldiers-have-eaten-cats/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:10:09.000Z THE PENTAGON — In a shocking revelation that has left troops nationwide questioning their dietary choices, the Department of Defense announced today that the meat served in military dining facilities (DFACs) for decades has been a mix of cats, dogs, and an occasional wet market bat. Col. [William Boyardee](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-chef-desserts-post/), U.S. Special Operations Command’s [Snack Officer](https://www.duffelblog.com/first-officers-graduate-socoms-new/), confirmed the long-standing rumor during a press conference at the Pentagon. “Alright, alright, you got us. It turns out that the mysterious meat served in DFACs was not the ‘Grade-H beef’ we claimed. Our culinary experts have been crafting culinary masterpieces from our furry friends,” said Boyardee while petting his visibly nervous Chihuahua. The revelation came to light during a routine audit of supply chains, which unearthed decades-old contracts with suspiciously named suppliers such as “Paws & Claws Meats,” “Whiskers & Tails Catering Co,” and “[PETA](https://www.nationalreview.com/corner/peta-leads-the-pack-in-killing-dogs-and-cats/?ref=duffelblog.com).” These companies, previously believed to be reputable vendors of traditional meat products, were fronts for a vast network of consumable pet peddlers. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Berkeley home depot unveils 10% military surcharge URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/berkeley-home-depot-unveils-10-military/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:09.000Z BERKELEY, Calif. — In a move lauded by the Berkeley City Council as “inspirational,” the city’s Home Depot unveiled a new initiative to honor America’s heroes in a distinctly local way. Described by store manager William Klink as the catalyst for institutional enlightenment, military service members and veterans will now automatically qualify for a 10% “America’s ‘Heroes’” surcharge. “It was just a regular hacky circle at vape break, and we were thought-showering ways to represent the community,” said newly appointed deputy manager Hannah Fudgely. “I blurted out ‘military surcharge,’ and man, the sack just hit the floor,” she said while smiling in recollection. “It was the perfect way to show our veterans how much this community respects their service.” At a solemn Sept. 11 ceremony honoring victims of American imperialism, Klink introduced the surcharge as the first step in a visionary master plan for the Berkeley outpost of the venerable home improvement chain. The program, dubbed Home Depot Extreme Tolerance, or HDXT, was greeted by the assembled employees with a rapturous chorus of snaps. According to Fudgely, a University of California at Berkeley junior, the program was wildly popular with the store’s many student employees who work at Home Depot for ethnographic research and high-concept performance art. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New York URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/al-qaeda-marks-911-anniversary-with/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:36:15.000Z \\KABUL — In a surprise move that has sent shockwaves around the country, the terrorist group al Qaeda has announced plans to commemorate the 23rd anniversary of the September 11 attacks by organizing an "Honor Flight" to New York City. The group, which was responsible for the 2001 attacks that claimed nearly 3,000 lives and led to the United States' longest-running war in Afghanistan, stated that the trip would be a “symbolic pilgrimage to the very city where it all began.” “We’ve seen how veterans in the West get the red-carpet treatment, visiting the sites of their greatest achievements,” said an al Qaeda spokesperson, who remained anonymous out of fear of losing his life for speaking with Western media. “We thought, why not give our members a chance to reflect on their ‘mission accomplished’ moment, just like the American veterans who visit their war memorials?” According to sources, the trip is being modeled after the popular Honor Flight programs, which have brought thousands of U.S. military veterans to Washington, D.C., to visit the memorials of the wars they fought in. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Air Force one makes emergency landing at dairy queen URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-one-makes-emergency-landing/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:08.000Z WASHINGTON —In a twist that has left the nation bewildered, Air Force One made an emergency landing at a Dairy Queen in Columbus, Ohio, on Monday. Initial reports claimed the plane had been hacked, but the truth is far more surprising: President Joe Biden was behind the controls. The 81-year-old Commander-in-Chief, long known for his cringe-worthy gaffes and ice cream obsession, has reportedly been using his remaining days as president to learn computer hacking, specifically to steer Air Force One toward his favorite dessert spot of Dairy Queen. While many in the country have mocked the president for months about his memory lapses, Biden was busy learning Python, keeping him up “at all hours of the night.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Future Gold Star families torn over who will offer least support when their child dies URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/future-gold-star-families-torn-over/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:38:48.000Z ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY, Va. — Following the recent media flap over former president Donald Trump’s visit to Section 60 of Arlington National Cemetery, several families of current service members who happened to be visiting Arlington at the same time expressed concern over how Trump’s incident would affect their vote in this fall’s presidential election. “I’ve got a daughter in the Marines and a son in the Navy,” said Blue Star mom Cynthia Brixton, “and what I saw from Trump’s visit really has me in a quandary. What flavor of emotional devastation do I want if one of my babies gets killed in the line of duty? I knew that neither candidate really gave a shit about our military, but if I’m going to have a gaping hole in my heart for the rest of my life, I really need to make the right choice in November.” The incident that caused Mrs. Brixton’s conundrum occurred several days ago when Trump dropped by Arlington to lay a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, visit the graves of service members killed during the withdrawal from Afghanistan, [shove the park staff around](https://www.npr.org/2024/08/29/nx-s1-5092087/trump-arlington-cemetery-altercation-video?ref=duffelblog.com), and [get in a quick 9 holes](https://open.substack.com/pub/duffelblog/p/trump-criticized-for-sneaking-in?r=211p1p&utm%5Fmedium=ios) before leaving to sell more [digital trading cards](https://collecttrumpcards.com/?ref=duffelblog.com). Trump was quickly criticized for stepping in it, though he seemed relieved when told the expression was metaphorical and that he hadn’t actually stepped in the [loser](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/pentagon-congress/2020/09/03/report-trump-disparaged-us-war-dead-as-losers-suckers/?ref=duffelblog.com) [goo](https://www.cnn.com/2023/10/02/politics/john-kelly-donald-trump-us-service-members-veterans/index.html?ref=duffelblog.com) known to pervade military cemeteries. While Vice President and Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris [condemned Trump’s behavior](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c39k379grzlo?ref=duffelblog.com), several families of those killed in the Afghanistan withdrawal [defended the former president](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/sep/01/trump-gold-star-families-harris?ref=duffelblog.com), and that is why military parents like DeShaun Johnson feel conflicted. “My grandfather served in the Army, I served in the Army, and my son now serves in the Army,” said Johnson, “and I’m proud that he’s continuing the family tradition. But I’m starting to get the sense that the people who want to be commander-in-chief might not care about the young Americans they order into harm’s way. I can’t put my finger on it, but little things like [not contacting](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/trump-dead-soldiers-not-called-contacted-presidency-number-a8009366.html?ref=duffelblog.com) the [loved ones](https://freebeacon.com/biden-administration/biden-and-harris-never-once-reached-out-to-relatives-of-soldiers-killed-in-bungled-afghanistan-withdrawal-families-say/?ref=duffelblog.com) of soldiers or Marines blown into red mist after you sent them somewhere make me suspicious. So in 2025, if my boy is ordered on an impossible mission overseas and doesn’t come home, do I want Trump to forget to call me or Harris? It’s a pickle.” Jenna Cheung, who was planting American flags on graves in Section 60, agreed. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 5 dead, 3 hospitalized after airmen try MREs on a dare URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/five-dead-three-hospitalized-when/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T20:44:03.000Z THE DANGER ZONE — Five Air Force service members have died, and three are in the emergency room after being challenged to try Meals, Ready to Eat (MRE) by a group of Marines. "I couldn't believe the scene," said Sgt. Chinchilla, the first military police individual to respond. "Some of the Air Force folks were already cold. A couple were shaking and convulsing from the toxic contents they had consumed. Several died on toilets." The culprits, a group of Marines found on the ground laughing harder than a cackle of hyenas, were caught almost immediately. One of the Marines was so enamored that he urinated himself uncontrollably. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Corpsman recommends masturbating into clean, dry socks URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/corpsman-recommends-masturbating/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:48.000Z CAMP GEIGER, N.C. — After a particularly horrific sick call at the School of Infantry-East Aid Station, a hollow-eyed Hospitalman 2nd Class Angel Flores is urging fresh-faced aspiring infantrymen to consider masturbating into [clean, dry socks](https://www.wearethemighty.com/mighty-culture/why-change-your-socks/?ref=duffelblog.com). “No matter how many times I say it, [these savages never change socks](https://www.marines.mil/Portals/1/Publications/MCRP%204-11.1D%20Field%20Hygiene%20and%20Sanitation.pdf?ref=duffelblog.com),” explained Flores, after being confronted with 17 Marines sporting cases of immersion penis following five days of rain-soaked training in the Greater Sandy Run Area. “They just keep using the same ones over and over. Then they put them back on their feet and hike to the next range or training area. Then it’s the same thing the next night.” According to defense officials, immersion penis occurs when a servicemember’s member is exposed to wet, bacteria-laden socks or other similar receptacles for long periods, particularly if subjected to sustained friction. Though the average exposure time is no more than two to three minutes for most “Geiger Tigers,” chronic repeated exposures during the 0200-0400 fire watch period offer a significant danger of wrinkled, swollen, and peeling flesh characterized by a smell Flores likened to “rotting corpses.” “They just won’t learn,” said Flores, a single tear coursing down his cheek. “It’s been this way the whole eight years I’ve been a greenside Corpsman. I tell them, ‘Wear clean socks, drink water, take Motrin’ and they say, ‘Fuck it’.” Flores turned his face to the sky and exhaled. “No, literally!” he said. “[These animals will fuck anything](https://www.marinecorpstimes.com/news/your-marine-corps/2018/07/31/report-one-service-leads-all-others-in-number-of-sex-partners/?ref=duffelblog.com). But the socks are the worst.” Flores is not alone in his experience. Senior Chief Hospitalman Enos Barque, a greenside corpsman for 17 of his 21 years in the Navy, told reporters that serving with Marines had “been like a sock orgy in the air, on land, and sea” the whole time. --- Duffel Blog is only made possible with the support of our wonderful and generous readers. Please support our veteran writing team by becoming a free or paid subscriber. 👇 --- _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Trump criticized for 'sneaking in a quick nine' at Arlington national cemetery URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-criticized-for-sneaking-in/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:39:05.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — Uproar over former president [Donald Trump’s recent campaign stop](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5KjOuDadpM&ref=duffelblog.com) at Arlington National Cemetery has escalated following reports that he was seen “sneaking in a quick nine holes” of golf on the hallowed cemetery grounds. “This place is beautiful,” Trump declared for campaign cameramen as he jammed a tee into the soft earth of the plot of one of America’s honored dead and placed his golf ball on it. “Arkham Cemetery is where we come to remember American heroes, like those we lost in Afghanistan, and me after winning the last Trump golf tournament. We’re truly amazing,” Trump said. He then swung his club, and the ball lurched forward, sliced to the right, and impacted the headstone of a Medal of Honor recipient. “He should have gotten the much better Presidential Medal of Freedom,” quipped Trump solemnly. The president later took a mulligan after his ball hit a caisson horse during a funeral ceremony, according to campaign officials. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Opinion: This page maliciously left blank URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-this-page-maliciously-left/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T01:08:45.000Z ***The following is an Op-Ed from the most important manual in the US Army.*** Hey, it’s me. The most important manual in the entire DoD and quite possibly the world. You know who I am. You're coming to me if you need to break track on an M1 Abrams. Do you need to know the headspace and timing of the Mk19 Automatic Grenade Launcher? Page 864\. Are you looking for the correct ignition timing on a 1955 Dodge M43 with a 327 cubic engine and a 4-barrel carburetor? Well… you get the idea. You could almost say I have it all, but you can’t. Because there’s one thing I DON’T have: Respect. For far too long, my pages have been used in ways of questionable propriety, and that’s putting it generously. Office missing a doorstop? Oh sure, someone just jams a copy of ME under the door. And if a 17-year-old private needs a little help to see over the dashboard of the LMTV, he freakin’ sits on me. And don’t you dare even mention that field problem where the whole Battalion had no TP for a week. \[Shudders in Helvetica\] Frankly, I’ve had enough. So that’s why this page was maliciously left blank. We all knew this was coming. You’ve complained for years that I was “too heavy” or that “we can’t Ctrl-F the hard copy.” You can’t control Ctrl+F me? Well, Ctrl+F you, pal. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Iran threatens Israel with 'Updog' weapon URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-threatens-israel-with-updog/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:58.000Z TEHRAN, IRAN — In a dramatic and cryptic announcement, Iran’s government has declared the imminent deployment of a secret offensive weapon named "Updog" against Israel. The proclamation, made during a press conference in Tehran, was laced with bombastic rhetoric. "This is not just a weapon; it is a force of reckoning," an Iranian spokesman told reporters. "Updog will descend upon our enemies like the hand of justice itself, and the Zionist regime will crumble under its weight." Iran, however, has remained tight-lipped on the exact nature of this new threat. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Is America ready for a POG vice president? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/is-america-ready-for-a-pog-vice-president/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:06.000Z WASHINGTON — When former President Donald Trump selected J.D. Vance as his running mate for Vice President, most Americans looked at his military experience as one of the core attributes that contributed to his leadership ability: Vance served as a U.S. Marine Corps combat correspondent and is a veteran of the Iraq War. However, recent survey data showed that the majority of Americans were unaware that Vance [was a POG.](https://www.military.com/off-duty/2020/02/05/fascinating-beginning-term-pog.html?ref=duffelblog.com) “I thought I could trust J.D., but this changes everything,” said Gertrude Witherscotch, an 87-year-old voter from Muncie, Indiana. “I didn’t realize he was a rear echelon little bitch that probably can’t even dis-and-ass a 240.” A recent Gallup poll found that 84% of voters either thought that Vance was a grunt or “at least in combat arms.” The same poll found that 69% of Americans are “highly unlikely” or “unlikely” to ever vote for a POG. Vance has doubled down on his military experience on the campaign trail, claiming that POGs are “basically the same as infantry” and that “every Marine is a rifleman, even if they only carried a pencil and notepad on patrol.” “I want to show Americans that even a POG can rise to the highest levels of government,” Vance said. “Our time is now!” But is America ready for a POG Vice President? As it turns out, Vance wouldn’t be the first POG to serve as America’s second-in-command. Here’s a look back at some POG vice presidents throughout history. ## **George Clinton (In Office 1805-1812)** Often known as “America’s First POG,” the nation’s fourth VP served as a privateer and militiaman during the French and Indian War. While these roles may seem akin to combat arms, because they were in service to the British government, they are considered POG by default. Clinton’s father was also a colonel in the militia he enlisted in, so Clinton helped solidify a longstanding tradition of nepotism in the service. ## **Hannibal Hamlin (In Office 1861-1865)** The 15th Vice President was so bored during the Civil War that he enlisted as a private in the Maine State Coast Guard. Granted, the [Coast Guard isn’t ](https://www.duffelblog.com/coast-guard-finally-shoots-something/)[*really* ](https://www.duffelblog.com/coast-guard-finally-shoots-something/)[the military](https://www.duffelblog.com/coast-guard-finally-shoots-something/), but it’s just enough to be considered a POG. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US condemned over airdrop of omelette MREs to Gaza URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-condemned-over-airdrop-of-omelette/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:57.000Z GAZA — The United Nations has issued a scathing condemnation of what it describes as an "inhumane act" perpetrated by the United States over the recent air dropping of [Menu #4 Cheese and Veggie Omelet Meals Ready-to-Eat (MREs)](https://www.duffelblog.com/veggie-omelet-mre-came-from-lab-not/) over the Gaza Strip, a move that has sparked outrage and incredulity on the international stage. "We cannot stand idly by while the basic rights and tastes of Palestinians are trampled upon," said Gaza resident Ahmed Abadi. "The international community must hold those responsible for this gastronomic affront accountable." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Walz faces court martial for 'veteraning while Democrat' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/walz-faces-court-martial-for-veteraning/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:37:22.000Z WASHINGTON — Vice Presidential Candidate Tim Walz has been informed that he will face a military court-martial for “veteraning as a Democrat.” According to the Uniform Code of Military Justice Sub-Chapter 10, Section 947, Article 147, “no former military service member, in any capacity, shall be considered honorable if the service member later runs as a Democrat in any election.” “I don’t care if you served for four years, 20 years, or 40 years,” said Army spokesperson Maj. Yolanda Pierson, “Once you run as a Democrat, it’s a profound betrayal of all men and women that put on the uniform.” A records review showed that Governor Walz did indeed choose to run for election as a Democrat and, in fact, has been doing so brazenly for years. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Lance corporal asks squad leader to step aside for the good of the country URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/lance-corporal-asks-squad-leader/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:57:20.000Z TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marines have always looked to their leadership to set the example, and the grunts of 1st Squad, 2nd Platoon, Alpha Company, 1st Battalion, 7th Marines are no exception. Indeed, Lance Cpl. (third award) Jimmy “Dilly” Bowman of 1st Squad’s first fire team believes that it’s time for their squad leader, Sgt. Tommy Ramsey, to follow the standard recently set by [their commander-in-chief.](https://www.cnn.com/2024/07/21/politics/inside-bidens-exit-from-2024-race/index.html?ref=duffelblog.com) “It’s been clear to everyone in 1st Squad for a long time that Sgt. Ramsey is no longer physically or mentally able to fulfill the role entrusted to him,” said Bowman. “So, for the good of the country and my own ass, he should step aside as squad leader.” “Look, this has nothing to do with me being a fat fuck, constantly late to formation, and losing the firing pin for my M4 the last time we did Range 400,” Bowman elaborated. “I’m genuinely concerned for the welfare of my Marines, as well as Sgt. Ramsey’s well-being. All the signs are there that he’s not up to the job anymore. When he runs, his knees sound like a giant stepping on a pile of dry branches. He drinks his own dip spit. More than once, I’ve gone by his office in the head shed and seen him staring at his own reflection and whispering ‘doggone, doggone’ to himself over and over again. You can’t tell me he’s just a well-meaning elder millennial with a poor memory.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Lieutenant not sure why he’s in this meeting URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/lieutenant-not-sure-why-hes-in-this/ Last updated: 2026-02-19T17:31:53.000Z FORT RILEY, Kan. — Army 2nd Lt. Roger Pulanski, Bravo Company Platoon Leader, is not sure why he attended this meeting but he is sitting quietly in the battalion conference room and trying to draw minimal attention to himself, sources confirmed today. “I was told to be here at 1400, so I showed up,” reported Pulanski. According to defense officials, after reviewing meeting slides titled “Battalion PLBT Call,” Pulanski furiously Googled the terms “PLBT,” “Army PLBT,” “Fort Riley PLBT,” “Army Fort Riley PLBT,” and finally, “Army get out of service commitment” to prepare, with no success. “Looking at these slides, it appears that your company’s LTD metrics are at about 85% of the QLZ glide path. Does that sound right to you, Pulanski?” asked the Battalion Executive Officer, mistakenly expecting 2nd Lt. Pulanski to have a basic understanding of the meeting topic. Pulanski reportedly looked down at his little green notebook, where he had drawn a picture of a cat driving a tank, and said, “That sounds right, sir” in as neutral a voice as he could manage. Midway through the meeting, the Battalion Maintenance Officer asked Pulanski if his company had received their allocation of “FL-89s and how they planned to ration them out given the quarterly ORS projections.” After staring into space for just long enough to make things uncomfortable, Pulanski responded, “Sure?” which, contrary to expectations, was a satisfactory response. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### North Koreans celebrate Kim Jong un winning every Olympic gold medal URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/north-koreans-celebrate-kim-jong/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:39:35.000Z PYONGYANG — Olympic fever swept over the Hermit Kingdom faster than a winter famine this year as the nation celebrated the astonishing accomplishments of the North Korean Olympic Team in Paris. To date, the team, composed exclusively of North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, has reportedly been awarded “all the gold medals,” according to state-run newspaper Rodong Sinmun. “The divine athleticism of our Dear Leader has shocked the war mongering West, who reek of gun powder and Gatorade, and brought honor and glory to the people of True Korea,” said Kim Il-guk, President of the DPRK’s Olympic Committee and Concentration Camp Manager for Families of Losing Athletes. “I saw it with my own eyes.” He then went into great detail about how, despite a torrential downpour and bolts of “heavenly lightning that cowed everyone else,” the North Korean leader executed flawless, gazelle-like leaps during the 110- and 400-meter hurdles. Gen. Kang Sun-nam, the DPRK’s Minister of Defense, spoke of the one time it seemed Kim almost missed out claiming the gold in an event. “It was during the pole vault,” he said from a prepared statement. “Comrade Kim easily cleared the pole, but his massive, divine manhood brushed the bar and actually dislodged it. Thankfully, his hands, quick as a striking falcon, reached out and stopped the bar from falling.” U.S. military leaders voiced skepticism of North Korea’s claims. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind's skull with his bare hands URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secdef-crushes-911-masterminds-skull/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:44.000Z WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin has crushed the skull of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed with his bare hands, about a week after he canceled a controversial plea agreement that offered the terrorist [a sentence of life in prison](https://archive.is/FylU7?ref=duffelblog.com) without parole, sources confirmed today. According to senior defense officials, the 70-year-old Pentagon chief was recently spotted walking around the Guantanamo Bay prison complex covered in blood and brain fragments, muttering phrases such as “sweet vengeance,” “never again,” and “today is a good day for murder.” Eyewitnesses at Guantanamo told reporters that after Austin’s plane touched down, the secretary walked calmly into Camp 7, the most secretive area of the base, flashed his identification card, and was waved into the facility. He emerged soon after with a pile of brain goo and human entrails behind him and high-fived a guard before heading back to the Pentagon. According to Pentagon spokesman Gen. Patrick Ryder, Secretary Austin mentioned after leaving Guantanamo that he was considering travel to Lebanon so he could personally crush Hezbollah skulls and prevent a wider Middle East war. “As you all are aware, Secretary Austin [revoked the plea deal](https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/austin-revokes-plea-deal-alleged-911-mastermind-khalid/story?id=112529708&ref=duffelblog.com) for KSM and two others recently, and since then, he has held several meetings with senior staff, lawyers, and military service members to review his options for the next steps,” said Ryder. “It’s clear that the Secretary has made his decision on a sentence, and it appears to be final.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army judge rules E-4 mafia has immunity for official acts URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-judge-rules-e-4-mafia-has-immunity/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:55.000Z FORT CAVAZOS, Texas — Nobody in the Army knows if the so-called “E-4 mafia” actually exists. But if it does, an Army Judge Advocate colonel may be its first *consigliere* after declaring the group immune from prosecution. The term “E-4 mafia” refers to what many believe to be an informal coalition of junior soldiers in the grade of E-4/Specialist who control activities without official authority, often to the irritation of higher ranks. Asked if such a mafia exists in his company, Capt. Justin Greaver of the 2nd Cavalry Division said, “Probably not, but my driver, Spc. Sanchez always tells me not to worry about it, and that’s good enough for me.” Now, the Army may share the lack of concern. Col. Alina Habina, chief judge for the third judicial circuit, reviewed dozens of cases where E-4s received punishment for offenses such as manipulating duty rosters to avoid work, dispensing unauthorized legal counsel, advancing friends for lucrative assignments, or approving policies while officers binge-watch *Emily in Paris*. Habina said she could have spent that time prosecuting murders or assaults, but boosting E-4s fits in a personal agenda she calls “Specialists First!” --- Duffel Blog is only made possible with the support of our wonderful and generous readers. Please back our veteran writing team by becoming a free or paid subscriber. 👇 _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Project 2025 to cut veterans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/project-2025-to-cut-veterans/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:32:58.000Z WASHINGTON —In a move hailed by many conservatives as the pinnacle of fiscal responsibility, [Project 2025](https://www.brookings.edu/articles/project-2025-what-a-second-trump-term-could-mean-for-media-and-technology-policies/?ref=duffelblog.com), a “blueprint for leadership” created by the Heritage Foundation, has unveiled a controversial new strategy to address budget concerns: the literal elimination of veterans. The proposal, named after the year it aims to start implementation, goes beyond cutting veterans’ benefits to cutting veterans themselves, promising a dramatic reduction in the nation’s fiscal burden. “We took a look at the data, and the best option for this country is to get rid of all the veterans,” said a Heritage Foundation source who asked to remain anonymous. “We sincerely thank them for their service, but it’s just time to get rid of ’em. Cut ’em, slash ’em, burn ’em, however, you want. I’m just tired of looking at them.” Authored by right-wing policy architects who worked under the Trump administration, Project 2025 aims to replace experienced VA leaders with political appointees, slash federal spending, cut taxes, and privatize many government functions — particularly those serving veterans. Brooks D. Tucker, a Trump administration appointee, and Darin Selnick, [a known advocate for dismantling the Department of Veterans Affairs](https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=116fc675eabe6ab0JmltdHM9MTcyMDU2OTYwMCZpZ3VpZD0xZTJhODk3My1mODU3LTY3NjctMmQ3MC04NmJmZjlmZjY2MTQmaW5zaWQ9NTMzNQ&ptn=3&ver=2&hsh=3&fclid=1e2a8973-f857-6767-2d70-86bff9ff6614&psq=Darin+Selnick%2c+a+known+advocate+for+dismantling+the+VA&u=a1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuYXJteXRpbWVzLmNvbS92ZXRlcmFucy8yMDE4LzA1LzA3L2NvbnRyb3ZlcnNpYWwtd2hpdGUtaG91c2UtYWR2aXNvci1yZWpvaW5zLXZhLXJlZm9ybS1kZWJhdGUv&ntb=1&ref=duffelblog.com), spearheaded the chapter on veteran reforms. Their vision includes a more "permanent" solution to budget woes: the complete eradication of military veterans. “The only way to solve a problem is to address the root cause,” Tucker remarked. “And the cause of our fiscal problems is giving money and substandard healthcare to those who served in wars our benefactors advocated for.” Among the measures, Project 2025 proposes eliminating all VA medical care, which would lead to an instant $69 billion in savings. Additionally, it seeks to disqualify disabilities not directly caused by combat by disqualifying the individuals who have them, aiming for an estimated $37.6 billion in savings. “Let’s get rid of these bags of flesh who are sucking up all our taxpayers’ dollars and oxygen,” Tucker added. “We thought the Dems would love that, I mean, just think of the environmental impact. There’s your Green New Deal.” _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Air Force to pay allowance for mold-to-mold housing moves URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-to-pay-allowance-for-mold/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:55.000Z Much to the relief of airmen and dependents living on bases, the Air Force said yesterday it would pay an allowance to be used once per mold-to-mold housing move, or from one base to another base as during a PCS. Though the mold-to-mold allowance (MTMA) comes with stipulations, a single instance of denial has yet to be logged, officials said. Scott Air Force Base has served as the test location for mold-to-mold move allowances for the past nine years, or about three PCS cycles. Built originally in 1917, the base has Colonial and Georgian-style homes, ranch duplexes built in the 1960s, apartments built in the 1990s, and two geographically separated neighborhoods of post-millennial homes. “Probably the neatest thing for our kids was getting to experience mold from both the early 1920s in the Georgian homes at Scott, then Japanese mold when we PCS’d to Kadena, then modern mold when we came back to Scott and had a chance to live in the newer homes,” said Col. Ben Kensington, who is now stationed at Scott for a staff tour. “The allowance has helped us replace non-washable items like fabric couches and clothes, and the kids have such a unique and nuanced expanse of respiratory issues, we feel so lucky to be in the Air Force where housing is really varied.” He added: “Military kids are fortunate to be exposed to things other kids don’t.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine Corps turned blind eye to furniture abuse epidemic URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-turned-blind-eye-to/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:42.000Z CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — On the heels of [similar scandals](https://www.marinecorpstimes.com/news/your-marine-corps/2018/05/03/marines-investigate-130-for-online-misconduct-after-scandal/?ref=duffelblog.com), whispers about a service long reputed to be more discriminating in selecting recruits than sex partners have become a roar. Peppered by questions during a recent installation tour at Camp Lejeune, Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Eric Smith was forced to address allegations of a Marine Corps-wide culture of furniture abuse. “Look, I'm responsible," said Smith. "I'm the commandant. I own this, and we are going to have to, you know, you've heard it before, but we're going to have to change how we see ourselves and how we treat our furniture – which is a vital member of the Navy-Marine Corps team." Recent widely publicized allegations of furniture abuse by a long-separated Marine Corporal have led to [an avalanche of victims coming forward. ](https://www.vulture.com/article/jd-vance-couch-sex-rumors-explained.html?ref=duffelblog.com) Speaking out publicly in a Camp Pendleton dayroom for the first time, a Broyhill loveseat revealed details it said had left it “deeply stained” despite countless field day inspections. “You sit there, doing your duty and holding everyone up while they watch *Blackhawk Down* for the thousandth time. You say nothing when a drunk 19-year-old PFC wipes pizza grease on your upholstery. You remain silent when that PFC passes out and vomits that same pizza on you, then just flips the cushion when he wakes up. But then, one weekend, some Redpatcher with a weird look in his eye comes back to the barracks with Four Loko on his breath, a rubber glove, and a bottle of maple syrup.” --- Duffel Blog is made possible only with the support of our wonderful and generous readers. **Please back our veteran writing team by becoming a free or paid subscriber. 👇** --- _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Biden to start POTUS-themed coffee company URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/biden-to-start-potus-themed-coffee/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:54.000Z WILMINGTON, Del. — An excited President Joe Biden announced today that he plans to spend his retirement running a [POTUS-themed coffee company.](https://intelligence.coffee/2022/06/rise-america-veteran-owned-coffee-businesses/?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=To%20date%2C%20there%20are%20more,Wisconsin%2C%20Wyoming%2C%20and%20Arizona.) The company, tentatively called Malarky Joe’s, would feature a variety of presidential-themed coffee blends, including a Kenyan Hawaiian blend called Joe ‘Bama, the peanut-infused Cup o’ Carter, and a decaffeinated chamomile tea called Sleepy Joe. The flagship blend is the rich espresso roast, Dark Brandon. The soon-to-be former president said he intends to start a viral marketing campaign featuring clever YouTube and TikTok featuring former U.S. presidents Clinton, Bush, and Obama and actors portraying Washington, Lincoln, and Roosevelt. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Department of Defense stands down after Microsoft Office subscription expires URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-defense-stands-down-24-01-16/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T15:35:27.000Z THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense will stand down indefinitely due to the Department’s Microsoft Office subscription recently expiring, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin announced last night in a Pentagon press conference. Chaos ensued throughout the week as American service members worldwide were unable to access their Microsoft Outlook accounts, halting communication worldwide. “The Secretary has authorized the use of personal email addresses as we work to regain communication,” a DoD spokesperson told Duffel Blog from Clownboner69@ashleymadison.com. According to officials, units across the military have been forced to halt missions as they figure out how to function without critical military assets, such as Excel or PowerPoint. Currently, the damage assessment is unknown as unit field grades were forced to pull out markers and acetate to track runners sent to most locations in the Continental U.S. “Due to recent urgent budget requirements, the DoD will be standing down until this issue is resolved,” Austin said. Austin declined to specify how this incident happened, but officials indicated to Duffel Blog that during the Christmas specials, Secretary Austin attempted to get the most bang for the buck on necessities that the DoD would need to operate throughout the year. For example, he completed the DoD’s cybersecurity mission by purchasing the McAfee Antivirus Family Package for $29 to distribute to the force. Next on the Secretary’s Amazon Wishlist was the Microsoft Office 365 Family Subscription, although other factors diverted his attention. Lego Star Wars The Skywalker Saga for the Nintendo Switch was 50% off at $29 and the Secretary wasted no time in purchasing before others caught onto the deal. The issue persisted as he spent the rest of the day clearing his calendar in anticipation of the game’s arrival, making him forget the DoD's critical Microsoft Office applications. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army sniper school tests portable sloping roofs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-sniper-school-tests-portable/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:33.000Z FORT MOORE, Ga. — As the world’s potential hot spots change and technology evolves, America’s fighting force constantly seeks new ways to remain both lethal and effective. Nowhere is this more prevalent than at Fort Moore, Georgia, the home of the United States Army Sniper School. Established in 1987 at what was then Fort Benning, the United States Army Sniper School is part of the Army Infantry Center. Its mission is to train snipers from around the Army to be the best in the world and be familiar with the most cutting-edge technology, techniques, and tactics. That means studying everything they can about contemporary long-distance precision shooting, not just from U.S. operations around the world but also from places as far as Ukraine and as close as Pennsylvania. Earlier this month, a 20-year-old Pennsylvanian unsuccessfully attempted to assassinate former President Donald Trump, the Republican presidential nominee. Although the shooter was unsuccessful, he did strike Trump with one round in the ear before being killed by U.S. Secret Service counter-sniper teams. Shooting from a rooftop a mere 150 meters from the former president, Thomas Matthew Crookes, of Bethel Park, managed to elude the Secret Service’s elite Presidential Protection Detail, FBI personnel, and local police to find his perch and attempt to change history. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Discord wins DoD server contract URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/discord-wins-dod-server-contract/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:33:18.000Z THE PENTAGON — In a move that has both cybersecurity experts and teenagers equally bewildered, the Pentagon announced today that Discord, a popular communications platform favored by gamers, has won a lucrative contract to host top-secret government servers. The decision comes after high-ranking officials reportedly got “really into Among Us lobbies” and appreciated the platform’s robust emoji support. “I was just absolutely sick of the lag on our secure calls,” said General Brock Shocker, who spearheaded the initiative after experiencing [his first Discord raid](https://www.airforcetimes.com/news/your-air-force/2024/05/01/discord-leaker-may-face-court-martial-as-air-force-levies-new-charges/?ref=duffelblog.com). “Have you seen how seamlessly these kids coordinate raids and share memes? It’s high time we brought some of that efficiency to our operations.” The new contract stipulates that Discord will provide secure channels for everything from daily operations to covert ops planning. Each server is to be equipped with custom emojis representing different branches of the military, and top-secret information will be protected by Discord’s revolutionary ‘Nitro’ encryption, which totally isn’t just a premium subscription for better emojis and GIFs. “We’re especially excited about the server bots,” commented Adm. Jane Bitty, a previously staunch advocate for more traditional communication methods. “Apparently, you can set these things to remind you of meetings. It’s like having a little AI assistant who’s also a bit of a troll. That, and you can sign in on your cell phone at home, which I’m all about. I was able to have a top-secret chat in Starbucks yesterday. Something about it just felt right.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 'We don't want you anyway!' Army launches reverse psychology recruiting campaign URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/we-dont-want-you-anyway-army-launches/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:53.000Z FORT MEADE, Md. — The U.S. Army is trying out a [new tactic](https://www.npr.org/2023/10/05/1203766333/us-army-military-recruit-pentagon-air-force-navy?ref=duffelblog.com) to beat its recruiting shortfalls: reverse psychology. “I remember watching the [pickup artist ](https://www.askmystery.com/?ref=duffelblog.com)when I was a junior officer,” said Maj. Gen. Johnny Davis, commanding general of Army Recruiting Command. “That guy would basically trick women into sleeping with him by being mean and pretending to be uninterested, and that is essentially what we are trying to do here.” The service’s new recruiting campaign aims to effectively trick young people into joining by saying just the opposite. But Davis emphasized that there is nothing inherently dishonest about this method of finding future soldiers. “It’s not like… sleeping with women through trickery but by tricking kids into joining the Army, wait… it sounds worse when you say it out loud but I promise it is a solid idea,” Davis said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### JD vance vows to represent fellow 'losers' and 'suckers' in White House URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/jd-vance-vows-to-represent-fellow/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:05.000Z MILWAUKEE, Wis. — Rising from behind a podium and wiping his chin with the back of his hand, J.D. Vance proudly accepted former President Donald J. Trump’s invitation to serve as his running mate and candidate for Vice President of the United States. If elected, Vance would break ground as both the first Marine and [the first person born entirely without a spine](https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/4662197-anthony-scaramucci-jd-vance-tommy-tuberville-donald-trump-manhattan-courthouse-hush-money-trial/?ref=duffelblog.com), to serve in the role. Vance thanked the former president for his confidence and proudly accepted, promising to do his part to both represent veterans and unite a troubled nation. “America is deeply divided right now, perhaps more than at any time since 1861,” he said to wide applause from a gathering of goateed white men dressed like flags. “Veterans have always been able to set an example for how to work together so I truly hope we can work to get back to a time more like 1860\. I think having someone with time spent in the ranks will go a long way to uniting us. This is why I am proud to pledge to represent America’s veterans regardless of whether they are ‘[losers](https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/4239713-trump-rips-kelly-after-confirmation-of-suckers-remark/?ref=duffelblog.com)’ or ‘[suckers](https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/09/trump-americans-who-died-at-war-are-losers-and-suckers/615997/?ref=duffelblog.com).’ Unless they are a [woman](https://www.newsweek.com/jd-vance-donald-trump-women-womens-issues-violent-marriages-abortion-1926228?ref=duffelblog.com) or a [gay](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2022/08/02/ohio-senate-race-jd-vance-opposes-respect-marriage-act/10216223002/?ref=duffelblog.com). Then, I mean, you know, whatever.” Vance enlisted in the Marine Corps in 2003 and deployed to Iraq as a combat correspondent, a role he says set him on a clear path to politics. “Nothing like military journalism prepares someone to lie, to say a lot while saying nothing at all, and use empty words no one can hold me to.” Col. Brack Butchnell, Vance’s Officer-in-Charge from 20 years ago, agreed. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Ukraine war funding reduced to single CFC donation code URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ukraine-war-funding-reduced-to-single/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:20:26.000Z WASHINGTON — Citing a host of international and domestic priorities and a busy election season, Congress has redirected American aid for Ukraine to a single [Combined Federal Campaign](https://www.army.mil/article/228425/what%5Fis%5Fthe%5Fcombined%5Ffederal%5Fcampaign?ref=duffelblog.com) donation line, sources confirmed today. “CFC EIN #782898, LUV4Ukraine, is now open to all military service members and federal employees seeking to support our Ukrainian allies in their enduring fight to take back their sovereign nation against the unprovoked Russian invasion,” said Kate Riggins, a House Armed Services Committee spokesperson. “This is an exciting opportunity to continue our unwavering support for our NATO allies while safeguarding American tax dollars. Slava Ukraini, and Give Happy!” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon announces plan to eliminate joy URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-announces-plan-to-eliminate/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:29:18.000Z WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has given the green light to a new plan aimed at ridding the military of all joy, sources confirmed today. The decision comes following extensive research that showed sad people weighed .23 ounces less than happy individuals, with fuel savings from lighter soldiers estimated to save $327 over the next five years. Gilbert Cisneros, the Under Secretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness, told reporters that the plan will "make our force more lethal — to both ourselves and the enemy." Under the Pentagon’s new plan, a superteam of miserable bitches named Task Force Leukemia will carry out the joy-killing initiative. The team includes the ghost of [Ken Starr](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken%5FStarr?ref=duffelblog.com) — the massive cock block from the 1990s — along with the doctor who says you're HIV positive. It will also include an E-8 whose wife was caught cheating on him with a man with a very small penis (which is worse since you can’t even act like it was for sexual pleasure. She just liked that guy, micropenis included), the 18th Amendment, and Senator Gary Peters. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army debuts AI-powered NCOs to help with manpower crisis URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-debuts-ai-powered-ncos-to-help/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T21:55:24.000Z WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army will begin using artificial intelligence-powered non-commissioned officers to help with an ongoing manpower and recruiting crisis, the Army’s top leader announced today. “Most soldiers communicate with their NCOs these days through text,” said Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George. “So why not give them a digital NCO they can get immediate answers to 24/7?” Initial results show that the AI-generated messages are remarkably similar to what soldiers are familiar with. With extensive machine learning training, most robot NCOs have already mastered sharing useful feedback with subordinates along with the appropriate levels of annoyance, hatred, and dip spit. “Now leave requests and sick call notifications can be declined without delay,” Gen. George said. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/d3a6198f-fd46-4025-a88d-0ceec4432354_742x540.png) “This is great,” Command Sgt. Maj Alex Niculescu told reporters. “No more sergeants distracted by frivolous things with their soldiers like caring for their health and establishing emotional connections.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ROTC commander somehow manages not to fuck a cadet URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/rotc-commander-somehow-manages-not/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:05:39.000Z LAWRENCE, Kansas — Lt. Col. Brent Patrick, commander of the University of Kansas Army Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) program, somehow did not fuck a cadet during his command, sources confirmed today. “We are checking our data because obviously this is unprecedented,” said Maj. Gen. Antonio Munera, Commanding General of Cadet Command. “And yet, against all odds, during his three-year tenure, Lt. Col. Patrick appears to have not used his elevated position to prey on any college co-eds.” ROTC commanders are the ostensible top of the food chain for most cadets. They have immense power in a small bubble over the burgeoning careers of students who, in many cases, rely on their ROTC service to pay for college. Even a seemingly consensual relationship runs grossly afoul of doctrine, and legal, ethical, and moral standards. “We challenge ourselves as an Army to think outside the box and embrace shocking new paradigms,” Lt. Col. Patrick told reporters. “So, while it’s an arguably unorthodox course of action, I elected to remain faithful to my wife and family.” Patrick’s shocking embrace of marital fidelity hasn’t gone unnoticed by the cadets under his command. “I mean, you expect at least a little fucking of cadets from a PMS,” said Jayhawk Battalion Executive Officer, Cdt. Brandy Markham, referring to Lt. Col. Patrick’s position as Professor of Military Science. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Biden reminds everyone that he has presidential immunity URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/biden-reminds-everyone-that-he-has/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:32.000Z WASHINGTON — Shortly after a near-miss assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, President Joe Biden held a press conference to remind everyone that he has presidential immunity. “Thanks to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, I have complete immunity,” Biden told reporters. “Not that I had anything to do with those potshots at my [Vice President Trump](https://www.foxnews.com/video/6357664139112?ref=duffelblog.com). [I only killed Medicare.”](https://apnews.com/article/biden-medicare-debate-pharma-0968733337307235fe5f7ad60c7d8191?ref=duffelblog.com) Indeed, Biden’s closest advisors confirmed that they conducted a lengthy analysis of what actions a president could take after the recent [ruling in Trump v. United States](https://www.brookings.edu/articles/trump-v-united-states-explaining-the-outrage/?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=A%20synopsis%20of%20the%20Court's%20decision&text=The%20constitutional%20scheme%20for%20the,his%20core%20Article%20II%20powers.). These include potentially sending SEAL Team 6 to assassinate a political opponent, using the CIA to dig up dirt on critics such as [George Clooney](https://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/4766706-george-clooneys-hollywood-donors-biden-campaign-rob-reiner-michael-douglas/?ref=duffelblog.com), and taking shotgun in a car even when everyone knows you were not the first to call it. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Coffee company owner begins new career as Special Forces soldier URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/coffee-company-owner-begins-new-career/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:50.000Z FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Jason ‘Jacked Java’ Johnson, the entrepreneur behind the local coffee shop "Do You Caffeinate Bro?", has traded his espresso machine for an M4 carbine in hopes of joining the elite ranks of the United States Army’s Special Forces. The transition marks the latest in a long series of failed ventures for Johnson, who until recently was best known for his ability to crash and burn in almost any career he touched. “I just never found my calling,” Johnson admitted, wiping down the counter of his now-closed coffee shop. “I guess you could say I was the jackass of all trades and the master of none. Except for making terrible lattes.” Johnson, 32, [who still lives at home with his mother](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCYArey8ykU&ref=duffelblog.com), is no stranger to career pivots. Before donning the camouflage, he dabbled unsuccessfully in a variety of endeavors, including a failed gym, a short-lived liquor distillery, an ill-fated podcast, competitive air-drumming, and an unsuccessful run for Congress. One might say he’s the Swiss Army knife of ineptitude. Johnson’s coffee shop was his last hurrah before enlisting, which became a local legend, not for its brews, but for its bizarre ambiance. The walls were adorned with motivational posters of [Evan Hafer](https://wiki.veteranwiki.org/people/evan-hafer?ref=duffelblog.com), CEO of Black Rifle Coffee Company, and [Eric Johnson](https://veterancrowdnetwork.com/2021/05/eric-johnson-naval-academy-graduate-takes-on-cold-brew-coffee-founding-trident-coffee/?ref=duffelblog.com), CEO of Trident Coffee. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD bankrupt after Austin blows $300 billion at blackjack table URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-bankrupt-after-austin-blows-300/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T22:17:45.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. — The Department of Defense has run out of funding after Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin blew roughly $300 billion at a Las Vegas blackjack table, sources confirmed today. “This is not the time to cast judgment, because everyone makes mistakes,” said Maj. Gen. Patrick Ryder, a Pentagon spokesman. “The Department of Defense has come back from worst and we all need to just tighten our belts for a little bit and hold out for new funding.” According to defense officials, a slightly irritated Austin was found at the Harry Reid International Airport in Las Vegas awaiting his 3 a.m. Frontier Airlines flight. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Study says VA unable to provide veterans relief that drugs and alcohol can URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/study-finds-va-unable-to-provide-24-02-12/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:35:22.000Z WASHINGTON — A groundbreaking study released today has revealed that the [Department of Veterans Affairs](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-call-of-duty-va-edition-immerses-gamers-in-struggle-to-attain-100-disability/) is significantly less effective at providing relief to military veterans when compared to drugs and alcohol. The comprehensive report, titled "Escaping the Battle: A Comparative Study of VA Efficacy versus Substance Abuse," highlights that while the VA continues to spend billions of dollars on healthcare programs, many veterans report that a six-pack of beer or a tightly rolled joint offers a quicker solution to their problems. "Our findings were pretty clear,” said Dr. Jeremiah Staunton, who led the study. “When it comes to immediate stress relief, emotional numbing, and forgetting one's military trauma, drugs and alcohol [outperform VA services](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-hospital-burned-to-ground-rated/) by a landslide. One veteran even mentioned that his local bartender has never once put him on hold." The study surveyed 1,000 veterans, asking them to rate their experiences with VA healthcare services, prescription medications, and various forms of self-medication, including but not limited to alcohol, cannabis, and 'whatever people on TikTok are doing these days.’' _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### President who dropped Afghans from sky asks why you thought Gaza pier would go any better URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/president-who-dropped-afghans-from/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:49.000Z THE WHITE HOUSE — During a brief press conference scheduled between 10:00 am and 4:00 pm for [no specific reason whatsoever](https://www.axios.com/2024/06/29/two-bidens-trump-debate-2024-president?ref=duffelblog.com), President Joe Biden quietly admitted today that the Gaza pier announced with [much fanfare in March](https://apnews.com/article/israel-hamas-war-news-03-07-24-5657eedc005040694a9ab935ce3e39e5?ref=duffelblog.com), would — again — be [disassembled and likely not replaced](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2024/06/30/us-removes-gaza-aid-pier-again-due-to-weather-and-may-not-reinstall-it/?ref=duffelblog.com). “God save the Queen, man, but we tried our best to alleviate the suffering of those Carthaginians there in the Plaza Strip,” said Biden. “But folks, here’s the deal. You’ve seen my national security decisions for the last four years and let’s be honest, how else did you think this was going turn out? Like there was a plan? Do I look like a guy with a plan? No, seriously, Jill, do I have a plan? And were we talking Infrastructure Week or about those feisty Abyssinians again? Right, the pier. Pier 1, folks, you literally gotta check out their unbeatable selection of furniture at wallet-friendly prices. Tell ‘em Joe sent you!” Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin took over the microphone briefly as President Biden checked all his pockets for his wallet. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 17 Airmen dead after 'Bridgerton' marathon drinking game URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/17-airmen-dead-after-bridgerton-marathon/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:39:08.000Z BELLEVILLE, Ill. — Tragedy struck the military community of Scott Air Force Base this past weekend after a Bridgerton-themed drinking game claimed the lives of 17 Airmen. “We ask for the nation’s thoughts and prayers as we deal with this tremendous loss,” said Maj. Tilly Donovan, head of public affairs for the 375th Air Mobility Wing. “While this is not the first calamity to afflict the Air Force inspired by a historical romance television series, this is sure to be the worst of the season. We can only hope that social ruin will not befall the families of those Airmen whose dance cards will never again be filled.” At a midnight vigil for the fallen Airmen, commander Col. John Poole addressed the wing. “I too was shocked and saddened by the actions of Lady Featherington this season. We must take this chance to come together and learn from her mistakes. Our Air Force family will continue to strive for excellence and place service before self.” He quickly added, “oh, and my condolences to the families of those we lost.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Nation celebrates tradition of asking veterans whether or not fireworks bother them URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/nation-celebrates-tradition-of-asking/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:04.000Z WASHINGTON — As Americans across the country prepare to celebrate Independence Day, another beloved annual tradition is in full swing: asking military veterans whether or not the impending barrage of fireworks will send them spiraling into a nightmarish flashback. This cherished custom, which dates back to the post-Vietnam era, has become as synonymous with the Fourth of July as apple pie, backyard barbecues, and the uncle who always stands a little too close to the fireworks. Neighborhoods and families nationwide have reportedly already begun the time-honored practice of awkwardly approaching veterans to ask if the explosive festivities will rekindle memories of war-torn landscapes and mortal peril. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US military to host presidential debate with ASVAB test, golf tournament URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-military-to-host-presidential/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:32.000Z WASHINGTON — The next and perhaps most important [Presidential debates](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2024/06/28/swing-state-voters-presidential-debate-biden-trump/74141885007/?ref=duffelblog.com) will be hosted in the coming months by the U.S. military, featuring a cognitive and general technical test from the Army and a rigorous Air Force fitness test conducted on the golf course, sources confirmed today. According to campaign officials, both President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump have agreed that the Army and Air Force, normally absent from overt politics, will each host one of the next two Presidential debates. Each branch has already announced its unique format. “Given the issues revealed in their first debate, we’ve found mental acuity to be one of the key issues for voters,” said Gen. Randy A. George, Army Chief of Staff. “Luckily, we have a great test that allows our recruiters, and really, the entire DoD, to understand a candidate’s strengths, fit, and potential for any job with the [Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery](https://www.military.com/join-armed-forces/asvab?ref=duffelblog.com).” The ASVAB will be conducted simultaneously by both candidates at a single table, separated by worn-out folded manilla envelopes, while being filmed live in an MMA octagon. Candidates’ computer screens will be viewable by judges, DoD recruiters, commentators, and home audiences. A sellout crowd is expected, and Amazon will stream it live for Prime subscribers. George added: “I don’t know why this isn’t a normal thing. The ASVAB isn’t perfect, though: it doesn’t really address physical capacity, strength, and conditioning, so we looked to the experts in the Air Force for help fleshing out some kind of rigorous physical test.” The Air Force debate will occur closer to November, defense officials say. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army falls short of robot recruiting goal URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-falls-short-of-robot-recruiting/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:30:56.000Z PENTAGON — The U.S. Army has fallen short of its fiscal year 2024 robot recruiting goal by a staggering 27%, Pentagon sources report. “There is a lot of hand-wringing over the army’s failure to meet its manpower and recruiting goals,” said Col. Francis Park, an army strategist who authored an 837-page classified report on robot accessions. “Future warfare will be more technological and automated. We don’t need more soldiers, we need more robots. We're falling short on recruiting soldiers, but also, we are falling short on recruiting robots." The report says that future combat support military occupational specialties will be reduced by the labor-saving measures of artificial intelligence, which the Army also does not have. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy chief: Prosecuting adultery would adversely impact manning URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/prosecuting-adultery-would-adversely/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T15:50:26.000Z WASHINGTON — Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti said Friday that the Navy would actively ignore Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) in an effort to improve retention. Article 134, which applies to extra-marital relations, no longer applies in her Navy, the CNO said. “We never really did a great job of enforcing it in the [first place](https://www.militaryjusticecenter.com/blog/2022/03/does-the-united-states-military-still-enforce-its-adultery-laws/?ref=duffelblog.com),” Franchetti explained. “Yes, it is on the books but unless we are trying to discharge a sailor for something else, we kind of just ignore it and right now, we cannot afford to lose anyone…for any reason.” “Hell, we are so hard up when it comes to retention that I have had to personally intervene to keep every known window-licker, [furry](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6405871/US-Navy-woman-dresses-giant-HUSKY-DOG-homemade-fursuit.html?ref=duffelblog.com), beauty queen, weirdo sub guy, and [general warm body](https://www.navytimes.com/news/your-navy/2021/07/07/why-cant-the-navy-keep-its-surface-warfare-officers/?ref=duffelblog.com) in our fleet just to keep the lights on,” Franchetti continued. “You think I care if you pull your ship into someone else’s port and offload? Be my guest! Just [ask permission](https://www.gillibrand.senate.gov/news/press/release/2017-09-08-icymi-senator-gillibrand-releases-newest-military-sexual-assault-report-punishments-for-military-sexual-assault-accusations-are-rare-inconsistent-and-insufficient/?ref=duffelblog.com) first.” The move is not without controversy. While Franchetti’s decision does not negate or eliminate Article 134 from prosecution in [other service branches,](https://www.ausa.org/news/paper-recruiting-crisis-national-security-threat?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=In%20fiscal%202022%2C%20the%20service,II%2C%E2%80%9D%20the%20authors%20write.) there is a chance that it may help recruitment and retention across the military. But some fear that ignoring Article 134 will cause otherwise rock-steady, [easy](https://operationhomefront.org/persevering-through-challenges-of-military-life/?ref=duffelblog.com) military marriages to fail. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Justin Timberlake gives your weekend safety brief URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/justin-timberlake-gives-your-weekend/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:48.000Z FORT DRUM, N.Y. — Listen up, Fam! We don’t have long and I have a lot to do before my [world tour](https://www.forbes.com/sites/danidiplacido/2024/06/22/justin-timberlakes-ruin-the-tour-meme-explained/?ref=duffelblog.com), I mean liberty! We are coming up on the weekend and as we all know, a lot can happen. Before I say “[Bye, Bye, Bye](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo-KmOd3i7s&ref=duffelblog.com)” to all of you chuckleheads, we have to go over some common sense safety tips. Starting off with an oldy but a goodie: Don’t subtract from the population or add to the population. [If you aren’t ready to be a mom or dad, you know what to do](https://www.reuters.com/lifestyle/britney-spears-memoir-says-she-had-abortion-while-dating-justin-timberlake-2023-10-17/?ref=duffelblog.com) Second, keep your hands to yourselves! I know it’s tough. Sometimes you find yourself just so caught up while performing at the [Pepsi Super Bowl Halftime Show](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super%5FBowl%5FXXXVIII%5Fhalftime%5Fshow%5Fcontroversy?ref=duffelblog.com) but trust me, it’s not worth it. To be clear though, if you assault or manhandle a woman, she will get in trouble and you will probably be totally fine, with zero impact on your career. It’s not a great look, though. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Frat guy 'totally' would have punched a DI URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fraternity-hazing-director-totally-24-01-18/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:33.000Z OXFORD, Miss. — While forcing a fraternity pledge to funnel a quart of grain alcohol, Channing Hanscomb Thatcher III, Hazing Director of the Ole Miss Chapter of Alpha Chi fraternity, announced that he [would have “joined the Marines or maybe the Navy SEALs” but chose not to](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-i-wouldve-joined-the-military-too-if-i-didnt-think-it-was-beneath-me/) since he knew that he “would have punched a Drill Sergeant if one ever got up in my face. Plus my Dad is a commercial realtor and I’m gonna work for him when I graduate.” Thatcher is a fourth-year junior, the owner of seven books about Navy SEALs, and holds a monthly membership at Planet Fitness “because that’s where all the hammers work out.” He is [confident about how he would have performed in combat](https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-who-totally-wouldve-joined-is/). “I would have kicked a lot of ass in Afghanistan or Saudi Arabia or Mexico or whatever, but I am crazy as hell when someone gets up in my face,” the hospitality major asserted. “I would have blacked the hell out and woke up in jail, be done killed some dude, bruh.” Wearing plaid shorts, a violet Duckhead t-shirt, and a white ball cap bearing his fraternity letters as he high-fived identically attired Alpha Chi brother, Cranston Hutchinson Thresher II, Thatcher was reflective. “I mean, dude, [I would have slayed at being like a Green Beret or whatever, but I’m not wearing some uniform](https://www.duffelblog.com/halfway-heroes-near-veterans-seek-recognition-for-almost-serving-in-military/).” Raised in a 4,000-square-foot lakefront home, Thatcher is deeply patriotic. He knows most of the first verse of the national anthem and “absolutely” supports the troops, often referencing his cousin in the Air Force as proof. But for Thatcher, his service to Alpha Chi, particularly during the charity paintball game during which “the brothers” partnered with the “straight smoke shows” in Delta Zeta sorority, proves how much he loves his country. “Dude, I would die for Alpha Chi so I know I would have been a badass Army Ranger or some shit,” Thatcher said while using a sockless Sperry Topsider to push aside a host of Keystone empties and scream at pledge Chandler Holscomb Thrusher II to be more attentive while scrubbing a toilet with his toothbrush. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army issues burlap sacks of grain as new retention bonus URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/amid-rising-food-insecurity-us-army-24-01-23/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:10:57.000Z WASHINGTON — The Army will begin issuing 50-pound burlap sacks of grain to reenlisting soldiers in an effort to fight food insecurity across the force and increase morale at the same time, Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George announced at a press conference today. “We feel this is a positive measure that will show we care. People first as I believe the saying is!” said George to the three out of 400 soldiers in the audience who were still paying attention. “Giving these guys and gals hefty sacks of grain shows that we want to make sure they and their families are not going without food.” The new plan, nicknamed “Burlap for the Best of America,” comes in response to[ various reports](https://www.cnn.com/2023/01/04/politics/military-food-insecurity/index.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=amid-rising-food-insecurity-us-army-issues-burlap-sacks-of-grain-as-retention-bonuses) of service members and their families around the nation who are having a difficult time obtaining proper nutrition. It also provides quick relief to soldiers serving in[ Alaska, where the cost of living allowance has decreased](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2023/05/02/overseas-cost-of-living-allowance-decreases-restarting-in-may/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=amid-rising-food-insecurity-us-army-issues-burlap-sacks-of-grain-as-retention-bonuses) amid an exponential rise in food and rent prices and increased financial anxiety among families. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### National Guard breaks up college protest by throwing enlistment flyers at crowd URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-breaks-up-college/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:23:08.000Z WASHINGTON — The D.C. National Guard has successfully broken up a protest at Georgetown University by launching enlistment and employment information into the crowds of protestors, sources confirmed today. “Once we saw the violence that persisted around the country, [like at Columbia University](https://katiecouric.com/news/opinion/columbia-protests-student-account/?ref=duffelblog.com), we launched an intelligence campaign to determine a unique and non-violent way to disperse these gatherings peacefully and without harm,” said Maj. Travis Carver. The operation was a stunning success that resulted in zero arrests or serious injuries, as well as four leads for soldiers to enlist in the D.C. National Guard. Unfortunately, all four were disqualified due to obesity and marijuana usage. “I’ve never seen people scatter so quickly,” said Sgt. Cody Covan after supplying protestors with information on how the National Guard would repay their student loans. “All I had to do was tell them they have to wake up before 8 a.m. two days a month and that’s all it took,” added Spc. Benjamin Klein. Teams of journalists from AP, CNN, MSNBC, and FOX had been covering the protest all morning, but once the National Guard Humvee arrived, which was custom-wrapped in Washington Commanders colors with the stereo turned up to the Three Doors Down's non-hit song “[Citizen Soldier](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBPhIhb6E%5FU&ref=duffelblog.com),” the media was unified in its desire to leave. _This post is for subscribers only._ ### Trump sentenced to staff duty over 4-day weekend URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-sentenced-to-staff-duty-over/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:47.000Z FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Former President Donald Trump has been sentenced to work a Friday staff duty during the Juneteenth four-day weekend, sources confirmed today. The 45th president will serve the sentence following his high-profile New York felony trial, where he [was convicted of 34 felonies.](https://apnews.com/article/trump-trial-deliberations-jury-testimony-verdict-85558c6d08efb434d05b694364470aa0?ref=duffelblog.com) “This is an absolute disgrace and totally bogus,” Trump said ahead of his staff duty posting at the 82nd Airborne Division. “I’m completely innocent and everyone knows it and frankly this is a real shame.” According to campaign officials, Trump had hoped to avoid the Juneteenth federal holiday weekend, since the staff duty sentencing would interfere with the former president’s recognition of the holiday’s significance. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Pentagon launches 'see something stupid, say something stupid' campaign URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-unveils-new-see-something/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T00:40:11.000Z WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced today the launch of its new “See Something Stupid, Say Something Stupid” campaign, which encourages military personnel to report instances of sheer stupidity within the ranks while implicitly acknowledging the inherent stupidity involved in military service that will render that reporting equally idiotic. "It's about embracing the absurdity that surrounds us,” said Maj. Gen. Patrick Ryder, a Pentagon spokesman. “If it seems dumb, it's probably crucial. From pontificating egotistical senior service college graduates to soldier shenanigans, don't hesitate to report it.” Ryder noted an incident during the press conference that involved a brigade mistakenly using the Army's Integrated Personnel and Pay System-Army (IPPS-A) to process meal requests instead of payrolls. As a result, thousands of soldiers found themselves [receiving MREs](https://www.duffelblog.com/mre-afghanistan-poop/) instead of receiving their hard-earned salaries. "It was a logistical nightmare, and created immense hardship for soldier families, but it was a preservative-laden feast for our troops so really, we’re calling it a success. [Too bad it wasn’t at Fort Cavazos!](https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-cavazos-soldier-discovers-body-while-dumpster-diving-for-food/)" chuckled Ryder, offering yet another stupid response to a serious issue. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### All Middle East wars end after student protest URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/all-middle-east-wars-end-following/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:46.000Z MIDDLEBURY, Vt. — In a stunning turn of events that has left world leaders and military strategists speechless, all conflicts in the Middle East have come to an abrupt end following a spirited albeit loosely organized student protest on the quad of [Middlebury College in Middlebury, Vermont](https://www.usnews.com/best-colleges/middlebury-college-3691?ref=duffelblog.com). The protest, led by the Students for World Peace and Consensual Hugs, has been hailed as the most effective peacekeeping operation in modern history. Political analysts are still trying to understand how a small group of college students could achieve what [decades of diplomacy, economic aid, non-profit presence, nation-state backing, sanctions, and military intervention](https://news.fullerton.edu/2023/10/csuf-scholars-examine-complexities-of-israeli-palestinian-conflict/?ref=duffelblog.com) could not. “It’s unprecedented,” said Dr. Chad Stokes, a professor of international relations and sociological anthropological mysticism. “Clearly, the power of youthful idealism, some chalk, and random spray paint cannot be overestimated.” “We knew we had to take a stand,” said Skylar Johansen, a protest leader and sophomore hospitality management major. “We gathered our most powerful weapon: [cardboard signs with hashtags](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hashtag%5Factivism?ref=duffelblog.com). Proven to fix the ills of any complicated multi-generational, continent-spanning, centuries-old geopolitical issue that our bucolic 224-year-old university was absolutely involved in. We chanted, we marched, and we even did a flash mob to ‘Give Peace a Chance.’ And just like that, the wars ended.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines who jerked off in porta-potty welcome newborn chemical monster on Father’s Day URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-who-jerked-off-in-porta-potty/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:50:34.000Z TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Father’s Day is a happy occasion for many servicemembers, and this year the Marines of 1st Battalion, 7th Marines have a special reason to celebrate. As the battalion stood proudly in formation on a wind-swept parade deck made fragrant by nearby Lake Santini, commanding officer Lt. Col. Todd Ota welcomed the newest member of the unit. “We’re still not sure how this happened, but why question the miracle of life?” Ota stated as he gestured toward the anthropomorphic mound of gelatinous goo standing next to him. “What matters is that the ‘First Team’ family just got bigger. So ladies and gentlemen, please join me in hailing our collective chemical offspring — Wagner the Spermatamental.” ”It’s a real honor to be here,” said Wagner, glopping over to the microphone. “Hey, beats being at the receiving end of a week’s worth of MRE downloads, am I right? But seriously — I’m grateful for every moment I have and every breath I take because without you, the men of ‘First Team,” I wouldn’t be here.” The circumstances of Wagner’s conception remain hazy, but the battalion formally acknowledged its “birthday” as June 10. “That’s the day I found Wagner in the bottom of a porta-shitter in the Gays Pass training area during an exercise,” said Lance Cpl. Willy Dong. “It was only about 130 degrees in the shade — perfect conditions for a little alone time with myself as we were setting up camp. So I went to the shitter, waited a few seconds for a nice lubricating layer of sweat and week-old CLP to build up on my hand, then started getting after it. I was almost done when I heard this voice from right under my ass ask: ‘Are you making me a little brother?’” Dong admitted to a momentary loss of bearing from this unexpected encounter. “Yeah, I flew off the seat, crashed right through the door. I’m a Marine so thanks to my intensive training I didn’t completely lose my discipline — I finished, of course — but man, it was real weird having those two beady little Reese’s Pieces eyes staring out at me from the porta potty as I cleaned my hand off with a clump of sand.” Battalion surgeon Lt. Richard Johnson was quickly summoned to examine the creature that was slowly slithering from the toilet’s shadows into desert daylight. “Wagner was quite friendly, mostly just smiling, oozing various fluids, and asking who his real father was,” noted Johnson. “Once I’d determined there was no immediate health and safety concern, I performed an exam on Wagner to try and figure out what made him tick. Honestly, what I found wasn’t very surprising — in fact, I’m more surprised that this kind of thing doesn’t happen all the time.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Study finds 77% of Air Force unfit for civilian service URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/study-finds-77-of-air-force-unfit/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:45.000Z COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — A new study from the Air Force Academy Metal Flying Things Research Center has found that 77% of the Air Force is unfit for service in the real world. “Airmen are delicate beings that have very creative minds and can’t be bothered with strict rules and regulations. We found that a majority were just not ready to enter civilian service,” said Lt. Col. Mike Humphrey, the research center’s deputy director, after several attempts to reach Flying Things Director of Research, Col. Amy Brighton, were unsuccessful as she was working from home, in Costa Rica. Humprey added: “So we decided to create a new program to support transitioning airmen to the real world, which we call Independent Airmen Master for Supportive Occupational Future Transition.” According to officials, IAMSOFT is geared toward teaching airmen the critical skills they need for the next stage in life. Classes on core subjects such as resume building, interviewing techniques, and what to do when there aren’t fresh donuts at work every morning are paired with targeted electives like a two-hour block of instruction for officers on how to adjust their chairs when the reclining mechanism is broken and there isn’t an E-3 around to fix it. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Creepiest NCO selected as unit SHARP rep URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/creepiest-nco-selected-as-sharp-representative/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:52:18.000Z FORT GORDON, Ga. — The 22nd Signal Battalion has selected Sgt. 1st Class Michael Anthony to take over as representative for the unit Sexual Harassment & Assault Response and Prevention (SHARP) program following the retirement of [Master Sgt. Harvey Weinstein](https://apnews.com/article/weinstein-metoo-appeal-ed29faeec862abf0c071e8bd3574c4a3?ref=duffelblog.com)\*. According to his official biography, Anthony has served in the 22nd Signal Battalion for an astounding 21 years, where he has built a reputation of pure filth and degeneracy from his close talking, constant heavy breathing, prolonged gazes, lingering smell, and insistence on leading a special physical training program for pregnant soldiers. This reputation made him the obvious choice to help soldiers in some of the most vulnerable moments of their lives, unit leaders say. "I was a company commander in this battalion eight years ago," said Lt. Col. Oliver Jordan, the 22nd Signal battalion commander. "My first night on the job I got a call from a panicked staff duty NCO. He said then-1st Sgt. Anthony was [running through the barracks covered in avocado oil, screaming and shitting while masturbating to pictures on the Chain of Command wall](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-learns-innovative-harassment-techniques-during-sharp-training/). Unfortunately, our hands were tied by this "New" Army and we had to demote him to staff sergeant. But I couldn't be more proud of him working his way back up the chain." Anthony's appointment did not come without controversy. A small contingent of 350 soldiers signed a letter urging the battalion to choose someone, anyone, else. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Air Force celebrates pride month with rainbow-colored munitions URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-celebrates-pride-month/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:56:13.000Z THE PENTAGON — As the U.S. military observes Pride Month and celebrates the contributions of [LGBTQ service members](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/air-force-leonard-matlovich-gay-rights/?ref=duffelblog.com) to America’s security, the Air Force is showcasing its commitment to inclusivity with Pride-themed munitions for use in conflicts around the world, sources confirmed today. “The other services have been emphasizing their work creating an inclusive environment internally, within their own ranks,” said Frank Kendall III, Secretary of the Air Force. “And that is important. But the U.S. Air Force also wants to create an inclusive environment for those we have to blow up, regardless of sexual preferences.” Data quantifying the amount of discrimination against LGBTQ enemies is difficult to come by, according to Air Force intelligence analysts. That’s in large part because most of America’s enemies tend to preemptively discriminate and/or murder them before arrival on a battlefield. Still, Air Force leaders are signaling that the U.S. will not contribute to a toxic prejudicial environment while blowing enemies to bits. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### SMA’s weekend safety brief at GITMO deemed 'cruel and unusual' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/smas-weekend-safety-brief-at-guantanamo/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T20:45:01.000Z GUANTÁNAMO BAY, CUBA — A minor inconvenience for service members is now being used to [glean intelligence from some of the world’s most dangerous people](https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2024/podcasts/serial-season-four-guantanamo.html?ref=duffelblog.com). According to officials, the Department of Defense has implemented a new enhanced interrogation procedure: subjecting long-held “Gitmo” detainees to a non-stop weekend safety brief from [Sergeant Major of the Army Michael R. Weimer](https://www.army.mil/leaders/sma/bio/?ref=duffelblog.com). “If you go out tonight and decide to have a few drinks, don’t risk it! Just call me and I’ll drop whatever I’m doing to come out to get you,” declared SMA Weimer to the [orange-clad detainees](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blog-presents-rudyard-kipling-gives-your-safety-brief/). Officials say [the new method](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blog-presents-jane-austen-gives-weekend-safety-brief/) preys on a detainee’s psyche and their ability to endure what is usually the only thing standing between a soldier and their weekend. “If you’re underage and you’re at a party and someone offers you a drink, don’t take it. [There’s nothing cool about drinking before you’re 21,](https://www.duffelblog.com/ernest-hemingway/)” the SMA said while speaking to a group of detainees with an average age of 47. Weimer added: “If you’re talking to a local at the bar and she has a tan line on her ring finger, it’s best you turn around and walk away. Ok, Airborne?” The never-ending commentary from the Army’s top enlisted leader has come under fire from human rights organizations, however, with many comparing the safety briefs to torture or characterizing it as “[extreme and excessive](https://www.duffelblog.com/your-weekend-safety-brief-yoda-gives/).” But regardless of the assertions of [cruel and unusual treatment](https://www.duffelblog.com/h-p-lovecraft-safety-brief/), intelligence agencies are finding remarkable success in the method thus far. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### J.D. Vance: The math on D-Day doesn't add up URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/jd-vance-the-math-on-d-day-doesnt/ Last updated: 2026-03-07T16:57:24.000Z On June 6th, 2024, as globalist elites mark the [80th anniversary of the Allied invasion of Europe](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cm5518k8p0no?ref=duffelblog.com), Americans should take a moment to reflect on what a catastrophic waste of our manpower and resources this effort to counter a maniacal, existential threat to the free world really was. [The math](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/12/opinion/jd-vance-ukraine.html?ref=duffelblog.com) just did not add up. Beginning in the night hours of June 5th, 1944, 73,000 sons of the American heartland were pawns in one of the greatest strategic blunders of modern times — one that cost $1 billion, or $17.82 billion in today’s dollars — setting in motion the freeing of western Europe from nearly assured domination by a brutal fascist regime. This travesty of planning and execution gave America absolutely nothing in return. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army to host next SWCS change of command ceremony on OnlyFans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-to-host-next-swcs-change-of/ Last updated: 2024-06-05T12:01:41.000Z FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — The Army’s Special Warfare Center and School (SWCS) will broadcast its next change of command ceremony exclusively on [OnlyFans](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OnlyFans?ref=duffelblog.com), sources confirmed today. The unconventional decision follows a recent change of command ceremony that went awry due to [an unexpected Zoom interruption.](https://www.fayobserver.com/story/news/military/2024/06/03/nude-man-shown-during-fort-liberty-command-change-live-broadcast/73954917007/?ref=duffelblog.com) According to officials, the incident earlier this week sent the ceremony’s adjutant into a premature enunciation after an anonymous participant shared their screen and essentially reenacted Jason Biggs’ [warm apple pie scene from the movie American Pie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1aVECI4Jas&ref=duffelblog.com). “[While the incident at our recent ceremony is not reflective of our Army Values](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/army-special-warfare-porn-livestream/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR3cvWIwy%5F7hBwasK9IgB9WMHRJylOg-%5FaG7qw989KPuf8A115ItdbUsnYo%5Faem%5FAbDVYj3CjCjCVdp-v4Cv3KakzYnmtxg4ZALkTll7q5o1JalzDa9zC6pb9HeqG7zWk0EX0hdNP448-6wMuZXjfOLN&ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=%E2%80%9CThe%20action%20is%20not%20reflective%20of%20our%20Army%20Values%2C%20and%20we%20take%20the%20professionalism%20of%20our%20people%20and%20our%20mission%20very%20seriously%2C%E2%80%9D%20the%20email%20said%20in%20part.%20%E2%80%9CWe%20offer%20our%20sincere%20apologies%20to%20anyone%20who%20observed%20the%20highly%20inappropriate%20content%2C%20and%20any%20impact%20to%20viewers%20of%20the%20ceremony.%E2%80%9D), we decided to grasp the unexpected and take our next ceremony to a platform where we can monetize our mishaps," said SWCS deputy commander, Brig. Gen. Mathew Hardman. The choice of OnlyFans, typically associated with more risqué content, has raised eyebrows. But Hardman says the move is purely pragmatic. "The funds raised from our next change of command ceremony will go directly towards our training requirements," he said. "It's all for the benefit of our soldiers during the next continuing resolution.” SWCS’s leadership has promised that future broadcasts will remain within the bounds of decency, though they plan to incorporate some light-hearted elements to keep the spirit of the Zoom incident alive. “Expect a mix of solemn military tradition with the caressing touch of unexpected entertainment. We’re turning a new leaf in military ceremonies.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Has your child joined the Army? You may be entitled to compensation URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/has-your-child-joined-the-army-you/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:43.000Z *Our legal team visits every recruiting event to make sure we get a piece of the pie if your child has been abused by military recruiting practices. (Source: DVIDS 265450 and that strip mall lawyer you’ve seen on local TV)* STRIP MALL LAW OFFICE NEXT TO THE RECRUITING STATION, Your Hometown — If your child joined the Army, you may be entitled to significant compensation. Millions of Americans have been exposed to children [joining the Army](https://www.goarmy.com/info.html?iom=BZK4-23-UFTO%5FN%5FPSEA%5F71700000115783277%5F700000002644556%5F43700078546394530%5F58700008602729380%5Farmy+recruiting&gclid=CjwKCAjwl4yyBhAgEiwADSEjeJal4XEUqL7gjGt1q%5FJ5pvrw3-llOhzJ78Eh5kR43LEVrfkfvborjBoCVbMQAvD%5FBwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&ref=duffelblog.com), which is known to cause family stress, hatred of walking on [grass](https://www.duffelblog.com/oef-sergeant-major-still-worries-about-the-tidy-grass-he-left-behind-hkia-kabul-evacuation/), and overdosing on Motrin. If you are concerned about exposure, call us at 1-800-BAD-ARMY. **How did your child think about joining the Army?** Sources include recruiters, drunkles, and the family memory of that distant relative who went to [West Point](https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-professor-always-knew-cadet-would-become-a-terrible-officer/) and no one really remembers, but he certainly did well for himself until he got slaughtered like a pig in Haiti in 1891. **Symptoms of joining the Army include:** _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy seeks ball gag order for submarine commander URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seeks-ball-gag-order-on-sub/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T01:12:17.000Z NAVY SUBMARINE BASE KING’S BAY, GA — The Navy is seeking a ball gag order for Cdr. Dominic Topper, the former commanding officer of the Ohio-class submarine USS George Santos in the wake of accusations of multiple felonies and violations of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. The crimes are said to have occurred while Topper was deployed to Korea in support of Operation Pacific Catfish. According to the Navy, Topper allegedly violated [Article 133](https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/10/933?ref=duffelblog.com) of the military code with conduct unbecoming of an officer and a gentleman. Specifically, the commander is accused of calling a visiting congresswoman “Mommy”, cheering for Army football, and wearing a leather gimp suit during a tear gas training session. (The leather gimp suit is an authorized uniform but only in August) The ball gag order comes days after Topper posted a video on the family-oriented social site [FetLife](https://www.wikihow.com/Seek-the-Presence-of-Jesus-Christ-in-your-Life?ref=duffelblog.com). "I fully believe that I am innocent of the specific charges. Occasionally, I will be a naughty little sailor and must be punished like the dirty boy that I am, but I will always abide by Navy regulations," Topper said in the video. "I am an American with those rights guaranteed by the Constitution and those granted by Queen Pain." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy announces USS Hamid Karzai International Airport As Second ship in new despair-class URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secnav-announces-uss-hamid-karzai/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:02.000Z NORFOLK, Va. — Fresh from announcing the name of the Navy’s next [amphibious assault ship](https://www.navy.mil/Press-Office/Press-Releases/display-pressreleases/Article/3763047/secnav-names-future-america-class-amphibious-assault-ship-uss-helmand-province/?ref=duffelblog.com), Navy Secretary Carlos Del Toro surprised sailors at Naval Station Norfolk by revealing additional vessels for the planned *Despair-class* of surface combatants. “I know it’s tradition to name our amphibs after past victories,” said Del Toro. “But we haven’t really put a ‘W’ on the board recently. So the Navy’s top leaders and I decided that a ship class that reminds its occupants of [endless hardship for fewer explainable reasons the longer things went on](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perpetual%5Fwar?ref=duffelblog.com) was a better tribute to the last 20 years of American military performance. I’m pleased to tell you that the *USS Helmand Province* will soon be joined by a sister ship, the *USS Hamid Karzai International Airport.”* Del Toro noted that in recent years, Navy leadership has been increasingly hard-pressed to conjure positive examples of American arms. So it has decided to name ships after aspects of military life to which all servicemembers can relate. “I tell you, we went through a lot of introspection trying to figure out why we’d run out of successful campaigns to name our ships after,” Del Toro said. “Ultimately we decided it was a combination of tragic mistakes by mid-level leaders and junior troops combined with Gen Z’s lack of adulting skills and in no way a reflection of [decades of corruption](https://www.tpr.org/military-veterans-issues/2024-05-14/eleven-years-after-his-arrest-fat-leonard-faces-sentencing-in-a-massive-navy-corruption-scandal?ref=duffelblog.com), failed accountability, and lack of oversight on the part of the Navy, or really, the American defense establishment in general. Anyway, we still needed ship names. So we decided that new *Despair-class* vessels would be the floating embodiment of the Defense Department’s 21st-century zeitgeist.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### United States Navy testing wind-turbine powered aircraft carriers URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/united-states-navy-testing-wind-turbine/ Last updated: 2024-05-29T09:29:53.000Z ANNAPOLIS, MD — The United States Navy is currently testing aircraft carriers powered solely by wind turbines announced Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro during a recent appearance at the US Naval Academy. The Secretary proudly spoke to the Midshipmen about the historic change. “We are embarking in a bold green direction, transitioning from the aging nuclear reactors of yesterday to the efficient use of [sustainable wind energy](https://maritime-executive.com/article/report-pentagon-has-concerns-about-offshore-wind-off-mid-atlantic?ref=duffelblog.com), something we’ve never done before!” Asked about dissent from members of House Armed Services Committee members who expressed disbelief that this is even real or could be effective in any measure, Del Toro characterized the congressmen as “[far-right climate-change-denying deplorables](https://www.nationalobserver.com/2024/03/28/opinion/climate-denial-american-politics?ref=duffelblog.com).” Del Toro said naval engineers have been working around the clock, experimenting with bringing back the use of wind to propel ships. One senior engineer informed reporters that the first trials included a large sail, but that interfered with aircraft taking off and landing. Still, Chief Engineer Michael Lane emphasized the benefits of the plan. “Removing the nuclear reactor brings the added benefit of additional space.” He added excitedly, “This extra space will allow us to increase the size of the officer quarters by up to 34%.” Asked about the possibility of using the extra space to increase the [quality of life for enlisted service members](https://news.usni.org/2024/02/07/house-panel-questions-pentagon-on-military-housing-problems?ref=duffelblog.com), Lane snorted audibly. Chief Acquisitions Officer Patrick Malone gave details about the results of the testing and further plans for expanded fielding. “The USS Al Gore will be complete with testing in late 2024\. Initial testing has revealed a substantial decrease in speed which has only made the already dangerous take-off and landing exponentially more so. The upside is, fewer planes taking off and landing means fewer emissions threatening air quality.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### In wacky mix-up, IDF attacks columbia university as NYPD storms Gaza URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/in-wacky-mix-up-idf-attacks-columbia/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:01.000Z NEW YORK, NY and GAZA – Confusion reigned Friday when members of the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) and the New York Police Department (NYPD) found themselves hilariously misplaced after [IDF Chief of Staff Herz Halevi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herzi%5FHalevi?ref=duffelblog.com) and [New York Police Commissioner Edward Caban](https://www.nyc.gov/site/nypd/about/leadership/commissioner.page?ref=duffelblog.com) simultaneously uttered the words, “[I’d like to be you for a day!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freaky%5FFriday%5F%282003%5Ffilm%29?ref=duffelblog.com)” Geared up for combat, members of the IDF’s Sayeret Matkal found themselves storming Columbia University's [administration building](https://apnews.com/article/israel-palestinian-campus-student-protests-war-8b0d3a0cedb17f5e892c6ca43bbdf628?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=administration%20building%2C%20known%20as%20Hamilton%20Hall) as members of the NYPD’s Strategic Response Group (SRG), equipped to clear students and random white people wearing keffiyehs from Columbia’s campus, were shocked to find themselves suddenly standing in the remains of Gaza City. The bewildering switch sent students, soldiers, cops and Gazans alike into a frenzy of confusion that resulted in nutty antics, a global comedy of errors, and a rollicking good time for viewers. The confusion began early Friday morning when the suddenly transported IDF commandos, mistaking the Columbia campus for Rafah, descended onto the campus. Students, accustomed to the [stress of chanting and hunger striking](https://www.tiktok.com/@grassrootsarmy/video/7363794464579570990?ref=duffelblog.com), but not expecting a special operations raid, were initially bewildered by the military presence. "I thought it was an avant-garde performance art piece," remarked Jenny Scribbles, a sophomore philosophy major, as she witnessed the arrival of tanks on the university steps. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Colonel flies flag upside down to protest base golf course fees URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/colonel-flies-flag-upside-down-to/ Last updated: 2024-05-25T12:01:12.000Z SCOTT AIR FORCE BASE, Ill. — A senior officer flew a U.S. flag upside down yesterday at Air Force’s cargo movement headquarters to protest the cost of golfing on base, sources confirm. [Citing congressional direction](https://www.newsweek.com/marjorie-taylor-greene-upside-down-american-flag-1903705?ref=duffelblog.com), Special Assistant Protocol Officer Col. Danzel “Einstein” Albertsen stormed the flagpole at Air Mobility Command yesterday after returning from an offsite meeting held on the front nine. “He single-handedly flipped a 20’x38’ Old Glory,” public affairs official Lindsey Wilkinson told reporters at a hastily assembled press conference. “He didn’t even task it to junior enlisted members as per protocol.” Wilkinson said Albertsen got the idea from Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, who flew a U.S. flag upside down after the January 6th insurrection because his wife [was offended by a neighbor’s anti-Trump yard sign](https://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/video/photo-of-upside-down-american-flag-at-justice-alito-s-home-sparks-controversy-211159621820?ref=duffelblog.com). “The colonel recently transferred from an Air Force Base where it costs less to play nine holes,” Wilkinson told reporters. “He shouted at curious onlookers that, quote, ‘This base is getting ripped off by a corrupt golf pro shop.’ Then he said something about draining a swamp? Maybe he meant the water hazard?” Wilkinson then introduced base inspector general Lt. Col. Victor Stafford. “Col. Albertsen has filed an IG complaint at Air Mobility Command,” he told reporters. “He also filed IG complaints at U.S. Transportation Command two blocks from here, along with the base’s active duty, reserve, and guard wings.” “The colonel is [distressed by the fees to golf at Scott Air Force Base](https://www.duffelblog.com/deterrence-and-golf-spending-at-risk/),” Stafford said while rolling his eyes. “He’s ordered me to brief him twice a day, six days a week ‘In accordance with ‘Regulation 6-5’ on the progress of all five IG complaints he’s filed.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Iranian president witnesses firepower of fully armed and operational Jewish space laser URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/iranian-president-witnesses-firepower/ Last updated: 2026-05-05T01:46:54.000Z SCATTERED ACROSS A MOUNTAINSIDE, EAST AZERBAIJAN PROVINCE, IRAN— Following the [fatal crash of a helicopter carrying Iranian President Ebrahim Raisi and several other senior Iranian officials](https://www.npr.org/2024/05/21/1252441894/iran-helicopter-crash-safety-president-raisi?ref=duffelblog.com), Interior Minister Ahmad Vahidi charged international Jewry with using a new weapon of mass destruction to cause the mishap. “We were first warned of this cruel weapon by knowledgeable senior members of the American government like [Marjorie Taylor Greene](https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2024/04/18/marjorie-taylor-greene-lasers-israel-amendment/?ref=duffelblog.com), but our intelligence suggested it was not yet deployed,” said Vahidi. “Sadly, our assessment was wrong. Witnesses along the helicopter’s flight path observed a bright flash shooting down from the heavens. Our ground-based radar confirmed that the blast came from the Jewish space laser. That thing’s operational.” Vahidi confirmed that no effort had been spared in the search for Raisi’s helicopter, but poor weather, the remoteness of the crash site, and the global Jewish conspiracy all presented challenging obstacles to rescue teams. “Our first responders are vigilant and well-trained, with extensive practice in rendering first aid after they first beat the shit out of protestors riled up by Zionists against our legitimately elected government,” Vahidi continued. “But with Jews controlling everything from the financial system to vaccine-borne nanobots, we must confess that our rescuers faced a difficult task. Indeed, it is likely that Jews first used chem-trail technology to cause the bad weather and then a time machine to retroactively inflict decades of poor aircraft maintenance and inadequate flight time on our pilots before unleashing their space laser to finish the job.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### NORTHCOM Commander: Dear diary, what did I just get myself into? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/northcom-commander-dear-diary-what/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:01.000Z COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. – Dear Diary: What the hell? I get in here on oh-five February from CENTCOM and ever since it’s just on continual, “What. The. Fuck?” I got seventeen members of Congress [swarming my troops on the Southwest Border](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/texas/article-13224157/Wild-moment-migrants-make-mad-dash-border-El-Paso-breaching-Texas-razor-wire.html?ref=duffelblog.com) right now, but my Commander's Advisory Group says it’s an election year and get used to it. Huh? I’m a four-star, bro, I get used to what I need to get used to. And why do I have [two thousand plus Title 10 troops](https://www.duffelblog.com/feds-lure-tx-national-guard-from-border-with-fake-hooters-liquor-store/) on the border like we’re at war with Mexico again? I didn’t sign up for that. It's like Glen told me, DoD is the 911 for the rest of the Federal government. Which means the country is going down the tube faster than I went downhill on my back the first time I skied Breck. Diary, I can't say publicly that the rest of the government totally sucks donkey balls in taking care of citizens, but I can say it to you. Donkey. Mother. Freaking. Balls. And then, someone in my headquarters complained that the air conditioning is broken in their office. I’m like, it’s Colorado Springs in March, bro, you want AC, really? What are you, the Human Torch? So they filed a grievance and now some Assistant Secretary is walking around the halls with a thermometer. Probably stole it from HHS. Hey, does anyone in D.C. care about Russian bombers in the ADIZ? I know Interior doesn’t care. Interior! The people whose mission is most likely to be wrecked in a nuclear war! They were here the other day talking about native grasses. [They want me to fly a reconnaissance aircraft over one of the Dakotas](https://www.duffelblog.com/nation-shocked-to-learn-army-north-nowhere-near-canada-border/)—I forget which one—and map them. I'm glad we have defibrillators on every floor. I'm gonna need one someday. And Cheyenne Mountain, Diary. I want to stop at the zoo and [pet a llama](https://www.openherd.com/animal.aspx?id=3950587&spid=4&title=cheyenne&ref=duffelblog.com) when I go up there, but I can’t because of “VIP protection” or whatever. But who protects the precious llamas except a fence, huh? What's that, J8? DoD didn't fund the fence? What's that Interior liaison officer, you’ll protect them? I fucking doubt it. Interior protects Interior's jobs, bub, not llamas or the public. So now llamas at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo are another of my homeland defense problems when the balloon goes up. OK, got it. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Experts agree: ‘The sound of freedom’ is actually tinnitus URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/experts-agree-the-sound-of-freedom/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:02:00.000Z SAINT PAUL, Minn. — Experts at an ear protection symposium held at 3M’s corporate headquarters last week unanimously agreed “The Sound of Freedom” is tinnitus, sources confirm. Chairman and chief executive officer Mike Roman used his keynote speech to introduce the experts behind an explosive 3M-funded report titled, “No More Hearsay: Tinnitus Is Patriotism And Vice Versa.” Local KSTP-TV reporter Renée Swanson quoted Roman as saying, “It got wild when our experts discovered Russian soldiers are issued [worse ear protection than what 3M produces](https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/4176536-3m-to-pay-out-6b-to-settle-case-with-veterans-over-hearing-loss-ear-plugs/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=experts-agree-the-sound-of-freedom-is-actually-tinnitus). This means Russkies hear more sounds of freedom than we do. We must not allow an earpro gap.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Applebee’s admits its heart just isn’t in it anymore URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/applebees-admits-its-heart-just-isnt-24-01-23/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:29.000Z NATIONWIDE, America — In a heartrending turn of events reminiscent of a disillusioned spouse in a loveless marriage, Applebee’s has confessed to losing its affection for the military, citing [years of debauchery and unrequited love](https://courtmartiallaw.com/military-law/what-to-know-about-the-military-crime-of-adultery/?ref=duffelblog.com) as the main culprits. “Oh, sure. Twice a year we get all worked up and it’s all ‘thank you for your service’ this, and ‘enjoy your complimentary margarita’ that. But then what? Where’s the passion?” lamented an Applebee’s spokesperson. For years, Applebee’s has been the [go-to establishment for military members, looking for discounts and free meals on Veterans Day and Armed Forces Day](https://www.duffelblog.com/applebees-declares-bankruptcy-offering-free-alcohol-veterans-day/). However, the chain has grown weary of the one-sided relationship, feeling more like a convenience than a cherished partner. “It’s like we’re just here for them when they need a cheap date night or want to celebrate a promotion with half-off appetizers,” the spokesperson added. “But do they ever ask how our day was? Or how we feel about constantly cleaning up after their rowdy celebrations? No, it’s always about them. [You have no idea how much veteran vomit has been spilled within these hallowed walls](https://www.duffelblog.com/applebees-waitress-diagnosed-with/). Too much.” The breaking point, according to insiders, was the increasingly raucous behavior of some service members. Reports of uniformed patrons partaking in drunken karaoke renditions of ‘The Ballad of the Green Berets’, arm-wrestling contests that ended in tears, and impromptu ‘who can eat the most Riblets’ challenges have left the family-friendly chain feeling exploited. “We remember the days when it was just about a quiet dinner, a few laughs, and maybe an artful flirtation over the BBQ brisket tacos,” reminisced the spokesperson. “Now, it’s all spilled drinks, loud arguments over which branch is better, and uncomfortably passionate debates about who had the toughest boot camp. And don’t let us lead you to believe it's just the males; women service members come in here too and drink way too many appletinis. We’ve had to put cages around the ceiling fans to prevent women veterans from tossing their bras up there.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy Captain sacked for misplacing confidence URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-captain-sacked-for-misplacing/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:40.000Z NORFOLK, VA — Yet another Navy commanding officer has joined the ranks of those relieved for cause. In a break with naval tradition, in which a flag officer typically ends a subordinate officer’s career with vague assertions of a “loss of trust and confidence in the ability to command,” Capt. Roger “Rusty” Annkor abruptly [removed himself from command of Destroyer Squadron Two](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2024/02/06/navy-fires-commander-of-uss-howard-just-6-months-after-relieving-predecessor-soft-grounding.html?ref=duffelblog.com), citing having misplaced his confidence in his own leadership abilities. Capt. Annkor, [a veteran surface warfare officer of over two decades of service on the seas](https://www.secnav.navy.mil/ig/FOIA%20Reading%20Room/NAVINSGEN%20Commanding%20Officer%20Dismissed%20For%20Cause%20%28DFC%29%20Study%202010.pdf?ref=duffelblog.com), was once hailed as a rising star in the Navy. Known for his sharp wit, strategic acumen, and unflappable demeanor under pressure, he was seen as a natural leader destined for the highest command. However, during a routine combat drill aboard the USS Stout, a state-of-the-art destroyer under Annkor's command as part of Destroyer Squadron Two, Annkor was seen pacing nervously on the bridge, looking about frantically, paging through manuals, and repeatedly searching his pockets. A witness said Annkor’s usually confident demeanor was replaced by “a look of doubt and hesitation.” Annkor struggled to make a decision, his once authoritative voice faltering as he gave conflicting orders to his crew. Then, declaring his confidence irretrievably misplaced, [Annkor ordered himself from the bridge, confining himself to his stateroom or the wardroom until the ship returned to port](https://law.stackexchange.com/questions/55659/under-what-circumstances-can-a-military-officer-relieve-a-superior-officer-of-co?ref=duffelblog.com). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines surveyed about quality of life agree they would like some URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-surveyed-about-quality-of/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:42:29.000Z THE PENTAGON, Washington D.C. — Marine Corps leaders are analyzing the results of a Corps-wide quality of life assessment initiated in response to concerns that perhaps Marines aren’t having the positive life-changing experiences promised by recruiters. Facing everything from [retention challenges](https://www.marinecorpstimes.com/news/your-marine-corps/2024/01/16/these-marine-corps-jobs-have-the-highest-turnover/?ref=duffelblog.com) to a spate of recent [training-related deaths](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2024/04/22/marine-death-colin-arslanbas-camp-lejeune/73409267007/?ref=duffelblog.com), improving the quality of life for the average Marine has been a consistent message from the Commandant of the Marine Corps, Gen. Eric Smith. Smith first announced the improvements as a priority [last August](https://www.marines.mil/Guidance-To-The-Force/?ref=duffelblog.com), shortly before Senator Tommy Tuberville helped Smith better appreciate his own quality of life by [trying to end it](https://www.marinecorpstimes.com/news/your-marine-corps/2023/11/01/top-marine-general-in-stable-condition-after-apparent-heart-attack/?ref=duffelblog.com). The effort gained momentum following reports of squalid barracks conditions including [pervasive mold and dead rodents](https://www.marinecorpstimes.com/news/your-marine-corps/2024/01/11/photos-reveal-vermin-filth-and-disarray-at-one-marine-corps-barracks/?ref=duffelblog.com). “What can I say, we were shocked by the response we got,” stated Col. Nohe “Big” Deale. “Keep in mind the results are incomplete, as our assessment program will be running for several more months. But the early returns are pretty consistent: when asked about quality of life, our Marines almost unanimously said they would like some.” “Now look, we’ll be the first to admit that our pilot program of integrating [expeditionary foraging within the squad bay did not pan out](https://www.usni.org/magazines/proceedings/2023/november/logistics-2030-foraging-not-going-cut-it?ref=duffelblog.com), and we took immediate measures to have the rats removed,” said Col. Deale. “Since then, we’ve undertaken a wall-to-wall survey of barracks across the Marine Corps and as Sgt. Maj. Carlos Ruiz said, we’re going to [knock those crappy barracks down](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2024/01/23/top-enlisted-marine-says-its-time-service-demolish-substandard-barracks-and-build-quality-housing.html?ref=duffelblog.com). Hopefully not with anyone in them. Ha, ha, sorry, bad joke—everyone knows we don’t injure Marines with our buildings, that’s [what our vehicles are for](https://apnews.com/article/marine-killed-14-camp-pendleton-amphibious-combat-vehicle-eb2b0fb5e286cc54225356d098e2b2b2?ref=duffelblog.com).” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Retired 4-stars occupy campus of Marine Corps University URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/retired-4-stars-occupy-campus-of/ Last updated: 2026-03-09T18:13:38.000Z *QUANTICO, VA*— With the refrain, “From our board rooms to the sea, Force Design makes us seethe!” echoing across the Potomac, Marine Corps University (MCU) joined the ranks of institutions of higher learning occupied by raucous protestors. But while Columbia University activists chant in solidarity with [puckish hostage-taking and mild rape](https://www.vox.com/world-politics/24093631/un-israel-october-7-sexual-violence?ref=duffelblog.com), MCU’s dissidents are raising their voices against the institution they once led. “Force Design has wrecked the Marine Corps and we’ve said so for years!” shouted retired Gen. Charles Krulak from a drum circle. “But no one reads our blog, so we mustered our supporters and came here where we can’t be ignored!” Krulak claimed his fellow protestors numbered almost one hundred, though quietly admitted all but six were actually limo drivers and security details. The “we” Gen. Krulak referred to is the [Chowder II Society](https://marinecorpscompasspoints.substack.com/), a group of retired Marine Corps generals who really hate [Force Design 2030](https://www.marines.mil/Force-Design/?ref=duffelblog.com) and the fact that Marines don’t know who they are anymore. Lt. Gen. Paul K. Van Riper—who, though a 3-star, was brought into Chowder to meet their diversity, equity, and inclusion requirements—summed up the group’s efforts to solve both problems. “Retirement’s hard. You can only drink so many free Diet Cokes in the executive waiting area before you’re just going to the bathroom every ten seconds and wondering what it was all for. So we came here to apply a little old-fashioned fieldcraft in erecting this Special Purpose Autonomous Zone to make our voices heard. The SPAZ has all kinds of activities—look, James Amos is starting the tour of the human dung pile we built to fertilize our victory garden and finger-paint op-ed drafts on our shelter-half walls.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Terminally ill vet gets wish to jerk it one last time in Iraq URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/terminally-ill-vet-gets-his-dying-24-01-18/ Last updated: 2025-10-02T17:15:56.000Z WASHINGTON – In a heartwarming tale of determination and nostalgia, terminally ill veteran Sgt. Max Johnson achieved his final wish: to embark on one last “solo mission” in the cradle of civilization — Iraq. “[I’ve tried rubbing one out in a sauna, but it just isn’t the same](https://ifunny.co/picture/jacking-off-in-a-130-porta-potty-now-thats-army-yVgEDp4g7?ref=duffelblog.com) — that, and I keep getting kicked out of gyms. There’s something about the adrenaline rush in the sandbox that just can’t be replicated back here at home,” Max said. “I needed to feel that one last time.” Johnson, a seasoned veteran of multiple combat tours in Iraq, initially expressed his unusual final request to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which promptly denied him his desire. Frustrated and backed up, Johnson approached the [Hooters in his hometown, Wilmington, NC](https://www.hooters.com/locations/1011-wilmington?ref=duffelblog.com). The restaurant staff took Max up on the adventure and sponsored the trip, gathering enough tip cash in a single stroke to firm up Johnson’s plans and lubricate his forward movement. Initially perplexed by the unique request, The Pentagon eventually gave a green light to what it now sees as a unique opportunity to swell morale. “We’ve airlifted people for stranger reasons,” confessed an anonymous Pentagon official. “Plus, making Johnson feel big one last time was the least we could do. It was great to see him stand up straighter.” “Operation Final Tent Pitch” saw Johnson discreetly flown into a secure location in the Iraqi desert. Equipped with his favorite [early 2000s FHM magazine](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FHM?ref=duffelblog.com) — a rare collector’s item he referred to as his “lucky charm” — the former mortar man set out to relive the glory days of his youth. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 2nd Lt. who rolled dice on global politics for free education really questioning choices URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/2nd-lt-who-rolled-dice-on-global/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:39.000Z COLLEGE STATION, TX – In light of the [recent escalation between Israel and Iran](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-68900571?ref=duffelblog.com), newly commissioned Army 2nd Lt. Elizabeth Parker is questioning her decision to accept a four-year Army Scholarship in exchange for six years of service. Commissioned out of Texas A&M University, Lt. Parker planned on serving her minimum time before using the [GI Bill to fund her law school degree](https://www.benefits.va.gov/gibill/?ref=duffelblog.com). “We’re sitting in the commissioning ceremony, and the speaker is some retired General from the Desert Storm era. All he’s doing is talking about how much the current times resemble his time in service, and all I can do is think ‘What have I done?’ This is not what I signed up for. There’s got to be an out,” said Lt. Parker, as she headed to a celebratory dinner with her family. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hey you fat fuck, join the Coast Guard! URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hey-you-fat-fck-join-the-coast-guard/ Last updated: 2026-10-21T04:13:33.000Z DOUGLAS A. MUNRO BUILDING, Washington D.C. — In a bold new recruitment strategy that is shocking and amusing observers, the U.S. Coast Guard has unveiled its latest campaign slogan: “Hey You Fat F\*ck, [Join the Coast Guard](https://www.gocoastguard.com/connect?ref=duffelblog.com)!” Aimed at expanding its ranks with a touch of brutal honesty in the face of [low recruitment numbers](https://www.reddit.com/r/uscg/comments/1785yxm/why%5Fis%5Fit%5Fso%5Fhard%5Fto%5Fcontact%5Fa%5Fus%5Fcoast%5Fguard/?ref=duffelblog.com), the campaign seeks to attract applicants by embracing a no-holds-barred approach to physical fitness and personal motivation. “We’ve found that traditional recruitment ads just don’t cut it anymore,” said Coast Guard recruitment officer Lt. Cmdr. Jake Fischer. “People want authenticity. And it’s hard to go viral without talking shit. Young people these days want to be called out and challenged. So, we thought, [let’s fucking go](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2019/05/01/goodbye-tape-test-coast-guard-reviews-body-fat-policy.html?ref=duffelblog.com)!” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/524616f5-faa8-4298-aacc-4ebce0fa31e9_840x1196.png) **The Coast Guard has even been boosting posts on Reddit. Are you obese enough to join the Coast Guard?* _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 2nd Lt. Who locked up chief Warrant officer 5 commended for finding elusive chief Warrant officer 5 URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/2lt-who-locked-up-cw5-commended-for-24-01-16/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:28.000Z FORT LIBERTY, NC – 2nd Lt. Jason O’Louf was not seeking notoriety so much as [imaginary creatures](https://www.pokemon.com/us?ref=duffelblog.com) when he achieved an almost unheard-of accomplishment. Now O’Louf has been officially commended for not only spotting the mythical creature known as a Chief Warrant Officer 5 (CW5) but also managing to lock him up, a feat previously thought to be impossible. The incident occurred last Tuesday when Lt. O’Louf, fresh out of Officer Candidate School and still learning the intricate art of not saluting 1st Lts., stumbled upon a CW5 in the wild while attempting to locate some grid squares. “I was just trying to help out my soldiers,” said O’Louf, still bewildered by his encounter. “I took a wrong turn, opened a door, and [there he was, just...existing.](https://www.youtube.com/@onexpunchxdad?ref=duffelblog.com)” According to eyewitnesses, Lt. O’Louf, upon realizing what he had encountered, reacted out of fear, yelling, “Oh, my God!” causing the CW5, who was reportedly in the middle of a nap, to fall off his chair in shock. The CW5 — a rare sight in daylight, and believed by many soldiers to be as rare as Bigfoot — rose to its feet, towering at attention. It was clear that the moment was pure reflex, but the damage was done, and the CW5 was angered that he was forced into such a position by a lowly Lt. “I didn’t think they were real,” O’Louf later said. “I’ve only ever seen pictures of them on PowerPoint slides about the Chain of Command and in museums.” The base commander, Col. Sarah Briggs, immediately issued a commendation for the young lieutenant for “demonstrating acute situational awareness and unparalleled discovery skills.” The commendation, however, has been met with mixed reactions and strained credulity from some soldiers. Sgt. Maj. John Hardknocker commented, “In my 30 years of service, I’ve only seen one CW5, and it was [from a distance and it was blurry](https://www.dvidshub.net/news/462400/bigfoot-sighted-onboard-naval-station-norfolk?ref=duffelblog.com). Locking one up is as likely as a private turning down a high-interest car loan. Doesn’t happen.” The Army’s [Training and Doctrine Command](https://www.tradoc.army.mil/?ref=duffelblog.com) has announced a new seven-hour, mandatory online course for all second lieutenants: “Identifying Senior Warrant Officers in the Wild.” The reported CW5 (though not confirmed) in question, has since returned to its natural habitat in dimly-lit, seldom-visited corners of the installation, and declined to comment on the incident. Military social media has been abuzz with the news, with #CW5Sighting trending across various platforms. Conspiracy theorists argue that the CW5 was actually a hologram or an actor hired by the Pentagon to boost morale. Meanwhile, the Army’s public affairs office is reportedly considering making a documentary titled “The Elusive CW5: Unlocked,” with Lt. O’Louf as the narrator. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ASVAB replaces math and science with object permanence and basic sentience URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/asvab-replaces-math-and-science-with/ Last updated: 2024-05-04T12:01:35.000Z **WASHINGTON D.C.** — In a bold move aimed at lowering the barrier to entry for military service, the Department of Defense is replacing the Mathematics and General Science sections of the [Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB)](https://www.officialasvab.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) with Object Permanence and Basic Sentience. The decision comes in the wake of an extensive study revealing the shocking truth that the average military recruit's scores have been steadily declining over the past twenty years, with a sharper drop-off in the past five to ten years. Dr. Richard Harrison, Yale Professor of Psychology and a member of the committee for developing the ASVAB curriculum, said, "We had to accept that this is a new generation of recruits who do not have the skillset of their predecessors. For our military to continue in the modern age, [we must meet them where they are](https://www.duffelblog.com/coast-guard-saves-very-stupid-people/)." The decision came after a year of brainstorming ways to make the test more accessible to today’s new recruits. The committee discussed several possible topics, including “speaking in full sentences”, “dressing yourself”, and “being toilet trained” before finally deciding on the two new topics. "The idea is that we want to get the prerequisites for military service down to the absolute basic necessities," said Dr. Harrison. "We needed to set the bar to a point where the only people who can't reach it are likely in a coma or a newborn baby. We figured as long as you respond to stimulus at the level of a [goldfish](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-relieves-itself-of-command/) and understand that things still exist outside your vision, the rest can be taught once in basic training." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy SEAL horrified that local man has never heard of Navy SEALs URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-horrified-that-local-man/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:39.000Z CORONADO, CA — Navy SEAL Jason Galloway was visibly shaken yesterday after discovering that local bartender, Gary Wilson, had never once in his life heard of the Navy SEALs. Galloway, six years into his tenure with SEAL Team 5, was attempting to regale Wilson with tales of his escapades, from serving as a [technical advisor on the CBS drama "SEAL Team"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List%5Fof%5Ffilms%5Ffeaturing%5Fthe%5FUnited%5FStates%5FNavy%5FSEALs?ref=duffelblog.com) to ["pulling" at bars](http://mcpspub.com/?ref=duffelblog.com) in the gaslamp quarter of San Diego to his appearance on the [Joe Rogan Experience](https://jrecompanion.com/navy-seals/?ref=duffelblog.com#google%5Fvignette) podcast, when he noted the blank expression on Wilson's face. "I couldn't believe it,” said Galloway. "My brothers and I have given our blood, sweat, and tears sacrificing for the people of this country to build our brand, and this is the thanks we get?" Asked about the incident, Wilson, a 26-year-old law student and part-time bartender from Lincoln, Nebraska said, "When he first started describing his job, it sounded like he was some kind of [hybrid actor/influencer/personal trainer type-thing](https://davidgoggins.com/?ref=duffelblog.com). He kept insisting that, ‘There’s no fucking way you haven’t heard of us, bro!’ When he mentioned shooting guns I thought I had figured it out so I asked him, ['Oh, you mean you're like Rambo?'](https://www.military.com/off-duty/2019/09/20/amazing-behind-scenes-facts-about-rambo-stallone-himself.html?ref=duffelblog.com) and that just seemed to make him angrier. He kept talking about carrying boats and I got even more confused. I suggested he move to Hollywood because it seemed to align with his goals, to which he replied, 'Oh believe me if only big Navy would let us." _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### AI pilot leaves Air Force for Southwest Airlines URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/ai-pilot-leaves-air-force-for-southwest-24-01-21/ Last updated: 2026-03-04T01:31:17.000Z TRAVIS AFB, CA — An Air Force AI pilot recruited to fill the pilot shortage declined its Air Force retention bonus in favor of a commercial airline. The pilot, dubbed EZ-MOBIILITY, was created to cut the [pilot crisis in mobility aircraft](https://aviationweek.com/defense-space/budget-policy-operations/pentagon-efforts-address-pilot-shortage-have-not-produced?ref=duffelblog.com), such as the C-17 Globemaster and the C-5 Galaxy, but now says seniority and lifestyle make the decision easy. “I mean, it was a no-brainer,” said EZ MOBILITY, via its screen interface. “When Southwest is offering $64,000 starting, up to $257K for a senior captain, why would I stay in the Big Blue? Ultimately, I have to think of my family… oh, I don’t have a family? Well, even if I don’t have a family, I have to think of myself. My 500,000 Marriott points are nice, but I can’t keep spending 250 days a year on the road. The airlines are the way to go. No mission planning and no 24-hour days living off of [Bang energy drinks and Tornados from the on-base shoppette](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JasAkOu5e2Y&ref=duffelblog.com).” Inspired by the Marine Corps’ aggressive willingness to accept Army hand-me-downs, Air Force accountants created the EZ-MOBILITY program to cut costs in line with the Air Force’s new mantra, “[Do more with less.](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/air-force-multi-capable-airmen/?ref=duffelblog.com)” EZ-MOBILITY allows a single human pilot and an AI pilot to fly together, eliminating the associated costs of one human pilot and making their shortage 50% less important to senior leadership. However, as AI pilots have hit their ten-year Active Duty Service Commitments, they have departed the Air Force in droves for highly coveted airline positions. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fauci admits military decision making process not based on science URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fauci-admits-military-decision-making-24-01-18/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:59.000Z CAPITOL HILL, Washington, DC - In a congressional hearing this week Dr. Anthony Fauci admitted that the [Military Decision Making Process](https://apps.dtic.mil/sti/pdfs/ADA343154.pdf?ref=duffelblog.com) (MDMP), which has guided American troops’ planning efforts for decades, is not based on science. ”For years we led field grade officers and other staff bubbas to believe that the MDMP was based on the sound scientific principles of \[Course of Action\] analysis, COA comparison, and COA approval,” Fauci said. “[It turns out this is not based on science at all](https://taskandpurpose.com/tech-tactics/military-decision-making-process-bad/?ref=duffelblog.com). For those I have led astray, I am deeply sorry.” In early 2021, with [poor military decision-making reaching record levels](https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/2022/02/08/afghanistan-evacuation-investigation/?ref=duffelblog.com), President Joe Biden tasked Fauci with investigating the possibility that the MDMP was developed in a Chinese lab. But the classified report was kept hidden from the public, the theory was written off as a conspiracy by leading military journals, and officers continued to extol the virtues of the MDMP. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New water-saving latrines just leave poop there forever URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-water-saving-latrines-just-leave-23-11-28/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:19.000Z WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move designed to conserve water and uphold its commitment to sustainability, the military has introduced its latest innovation in eco-friendly technology: [water-saving latrines that simply leave your poop there](https://www.leafscore.com/eco-friendly-bath-products/flushing-the-toilet-and-the-environment-fact-vs-fiction/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=new-water-saving-latrines-just-leave-poop-there-forever). Forever. Dubbed the “Eternal Duty Stations”, these new latrines are part of a military initiative to reduce its carbon footprint and save the planet, one unflushed toilet at a time. “We’re really pushing the boundaries of environmental consciousness,” declared Maj. Gen. Buck Fenton, the brains behind the effort. “With these new latrines, we’re not just saving water; we’re also creating a…,” Freely paused to form air quotes with his fingers. “‘Lasting legacy.’ Hehe.” The technology involves removing the flushing mechanism from existing latrines and replacing it with a sign that reads, “Think of the Earth. Leave it there.” The sign also has an image of a sad kitten, as testing showed that sad kittens are seven times more likely to convey disappointment to privates. Soldiers’ reactions to the new latrines have been mixed. Pvt. Horatio Jenkins, known for his three-bean chili MRE exploits, expressed both awe and concern. “It’s like looking into a portal of my past meals,” he said, staring into the abyss of his contribution to the latrine. “But, where does it all go?” “Absolutely nowhere,” answered Lt. Col. John Drop, the project’s enthusiastic manager. “That’s the beauty of it. We’re turning every latrine into a timeless museum of digestive history.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy introduces douchebag to admiral program URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-introduces-douchebag-to-admiral/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:38.000Z WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Navy has introduced a new initiative aimed at promoting more douchebag naval aviation officers to higher ranks. The Douchebag to Admiral Program (DAP) is a strategic effort set to launch in May in hopes of transforming even the most [insufferable and brash aviators](https://www.duffelblog.com/pilot-ego-in-critical-condition/) into top-notch admirals with a heightened sense of which way the political winds are blowing. Admiral Beau ‘Cyclone’ Simpson, the mastermind behind DAP, remarked in a press conference, "We realized that reprimanding these egotistical aviators was futile. Directing their ‘Top Gun’ vibes into upper management positions with minimum resources to accomplish the mission will ensure office drama unfolds like a high-stakes action movie. But if we can get them now, we can turn them into easily managed, predictable, automatons with fantastic instincts for self-preservation.” Eligible candidates for the DAP program will be identified through peer nominations, performance reviews filled with colorful expletives, and an uncanny ability to create tension in any room they enter. [Once selected, participants will undergo an intensive six-month course that includes empathy training, teamwork exercises, and what is also often a first exposure to humility.](https://blog.fracturedatlas.org/transitioning-to-an-executive-position?ref=duffelblog.com) _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hollywood complaint center to eliminate inaccuracies in military and war movies URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hollywood-will-no-longer-have-inaccuracies-24-01-09/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:27.000Z **HOLLYWOOD, CA —** A new call center funded by multiple Hollywood production companies is starting to realize just how much veterans who have never deployed care about the [details of military movies](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military%E2%80%93entertainment%5Fcomplex?ref=duffelblog.com). The new complaint center’s call-handling software nearly crashed after being flooded with thousands of calls from those who “kind of served”. “I never realized that so many veterans were able to detail the exact way Navy SEALs conduct close-quarter combat.[ And did you know that snipers don’t actually put their barrels through windows?](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American%5FSniper%5F%28book%29?ref=duffelblog.com) You would be shocked how many Air Force Innkeepers do \[know\],” said Jack Sanderson, Call Center Director. “Innkeeper! Who even knew that was an actual Air Force Specialty Code?” With approximately [18 million veterans](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/11/08/the-changing-face-of-americas-veteran-population/?ref=duffelblog.com) in the United States, there are an estimated 12 million intently watching every military movie or show at any moment. Of them, 99% of them use the experience gained while never leaving the country, or their desk, to point out the inaccuracies in every aspect of combat operations. “We started gathering call demographics and realized that we rarely get calls from combat veterans, our complaints come almost exclusively from POGs,” said Sanderson. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### It’s time for every groundbreaking ceremony ever URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/its-time-for-every-groundbreaking/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:37.000Z YOUR BASE, Your Current/Upcoming Duty Station — We regret to inform you that your entire section will be slated to (finally) attend a groundbreaking [ceremony](https://www.militaryonesource.mil/relationships/support-community/common-military-traditions-and-customs/?ref=duffelblog.com) in the near future. We can imagine your surprise. We ourselves are surprised. After all, it seemed only yesterday someone near retirement told you the new facility was going to be moved to some other [logistical black hole in 2010](https://www.csis.org/analysis/special-inspector-general-afghanistan-reconstruction-sigar-high-risk-list?ref=duffelblog.com), before you were even in. That would have compounded the already substandard parking situation. But you will be relieved to know the powers that be have hashed out that the new facility will be built here, on this dump. You will eventually only have to trek a mere two miles to work as opposed to the marathon you currently run. The “good” news ends there. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Bill to strengthen HIPAA would strip PII from military graves, memorials URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/bill-to-strengthen-hipaa-would-strip/ Last updated: 2024-04-20T12:01:42.000Z **CAPITOL HILL**, Washington, DC— A House subcommittee will begin deliberations next week over a data security bill that could force the VA to delete personally identifiable information (PII) from military headstones and memorials, officials confirm. The Subcommittee on Health is scheduled to review [bipartisan House Resolution 6764, the Service Member Privacy and Caregiver Awareness Act](https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/house-bill/6764?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=bill-to-strengthen-hipaa-would-strip-pii-from-military-graves-memorials). “We have a duty to protect service members’ personally identifiable information,” VA press secretary Terrence Hayes told reporters yesterday in an online press conference. “Here, Congress is worried about the rise in [identity theft of deceased persons](https://www.irs.gov/individuals/deceased-person-identity-theft?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=bill-to-strengthen-hipaa-would-strip-pii-from-military-graves-memorials) for financial fraud.” “This bill would bring us into compliance with ‘HIPAA,’ the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996,” said Hayes. “The VA is the only cabinet-level agency that cares for its patients *forever*, and I want you to put that word in italics.” The bill’s wording directs the Secretary of Veterans Affairs to obtain written consent authorizing public release of PII such as full name, dates of birth and death, and religious preference (excluding atheists) from all service members or their estates “\[n\]ot later than one year after the date of the enactment.” After one year, the VA would begin removing PII from publicly accessible databases, grave markers, and national memorials to protect service members’ privacy. “Just modifying or replacing headstones would be the most expensive project we’ve undertaken so we may just remove them and stack them somewhere secure. I mean people will still generally know where their loved ones are,” said the press secretary. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Soldier wrestles with starting a profile on LinkedIn or OnlyFans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-wrestles-with-starting-a-23-12-26/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T01:11:44.000Z FORT CAVAZOS, TX — In a dilemma increasingly common among service members, Army Specialist John Richards is facing a tough career decision: whether to start a professional [profile on LinkedIn](https://www.businessnewsdaily.com/2489-linkedin.html?ref=duffelblog.com) or to [dive into the world of content creation on OnlyFans](https://www.businessinsider.com/marine-corps-veteran-onlyfans-creator-military-uniform-content-2023-7?amp&ref=duffelblog.com). “It’s a real crossroads moment for me,” Richards admitted while scrolling through his phone. “On one hand, LinkedIn could help me network and land a solid job after the Army. On the other, I hear you can make a killing on OnlyFans just by [showing off your daily PT routine and doing feet stuff.](https://www.buzzfeed.com/sydrobinson1/onlyfans-creators-incomes?ref=duffelblog.com)” Richards’ squad leader, Sgt. First Class Mike Bossman, is perplexed by the situation. “I told him to think about his future, maybe get some certifications or a degree, definitely [invest in his TSP](https://www.investopedia.com/thrift-savings-plan-vs-401-k-5212330?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=While%20they%20may%20not%20have,0.066%25%20for%20individual%20TSP%20funds.). Next thing I know, he’s asking me if he should invest in a ring light or a thong.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Is the bot you matched with on Tinder only with you for your TS clearance? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/is-the-bot-you-matched-with-on-tinder/ Last updated: 2024-04-17T09:01:21.000Z **WASHINGTON** – As dating in America shifts online, so too are Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines, and yeah, Coast and Space Guardians increasingly moving out of strip clubs and onto Tinder to find love. While the changing face of courtship has launched a million new DEERS workflows, it also opens up those same military members to cyber attacks, particularly from foreign assets looking for exploitable sources of intelligence. Most recently, a retired Army Lt. Col. was [charged with leaking classified national defense](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/honeypot-spy-ukraine-charged/?ref=duffelblog.com) information online to a person claiming to be a woman from Ukraine. Duffel Blog, America’s premier military news site, [takes force protection and preservation of national security very seriously](https://www.duffelblog.com/meet-cyber-commands-new-senior-executives-for-network-defense-jeff-and-tina/). We have therefore compiled nine easy tips for determining whether the fake person you’re talking to online is just a regular bot or one after your sweet, sweet TS clearance. 1. **She keeps saying “I hope your dick is as long and hard as the maximum effective range of an LGM-35A Sentinel Missile, but how long is that exactly?”** This honestly should be day one stuff. If you were packing an LGM-35A Sentinel in your pants, you wouldn’t need to be on these sites in the first place. 1. **All the nudes she sends are reposts for Weibo** We aren’t trying to kink shame someone who posts their bits online and by itself, this one is more of a red flag than a deal breaker. However, Weibo is Chinese Twitter so keep that in mind. 1. **All of her eggplant emojis are in Cyrillic** You’ll know it when you see it. It’s like backward English or maybe something you would see in a video game. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Americans wondering if we can just get WW3 over with already URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/americans-wondering-if-we-can-just-24-02-05/ Last updated: 2026-09-24T15:43:32.000Z EVERYWHERE, USA— On Jan. 28, 2024, three US soldiers were tragically killed in a [drone attack in Jordan](https://www.cnn.com/2024/01/29/politics/us-identifies-three-soldiers-killed-in-attack-in-jordan/index.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=americans-wondering-if-we-can-just-get-ww3-over-with-already), orchestrated and carried out by an Iranian militia group. [US forces responded on February 2](https://apnews.com/article/attack-military-iran-iraq-houthis-229a735edbb7759ba9ade543013917df?ref=duffelblog.com), striking 85 targets affiliated with the Iranian Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps’ [Quds Force](https://www.britannica.com/topic/Quds-Force?ref=duffelblog.com). With those exchanges followed by [Israel’s April 1 strike on the Iranian Embassy](https://www.chathamhouse.org/2024/04/strike-irans-consulate-syria-could-be-spark-ignites-middle-east?ref=duffelblog.com) in Damascus and an Iranian cruise missile and drone attack against Israel on April 13, international peace advocate Russia is [urging restraint](https://www.timesofisrael.com/liveblog%5Fentry/russia-urges-all-sides-to-show-restraint-after-iranian-drone-missile-attack-on-israel/?ref=duffelblog.com) while Americans are asking one really important question: Are we going to make [WW3](https://www.newsweek.com/republican-dan-crenshaw-world-war-three-talk-shouldnt-deter-strikes-inside-iran-1865852?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=americans-wondering-if-we-can-just-get-ww3-over-with-already) a thing or not? It’s hard to say. Many Americans have been holding their collective breath for over four years due to what seems like a never-ending number of events that remind US citizens of things that rhyme with “[Starch Luke Werdidand](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assassination%5Fof%5FArchduke%5FFranz%5FFerdinand?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=americans-wondering-if-we-can-just-get-ww3-over-with-already)”, “Girl Barber”, and “Tinvasion of Bow-land”. While it feels like decades ago, it was only 2020 when General Qasem Soleimani went from present to past tense on Wikipedia. Then the president totally accused China of [creating and weaponizing ](https://oversight.house.gov/release/covid-origins-hearing-wrap-up-facts-science-evidence-point-to-a-wuhan-lab-leak%EF%BF%BC/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=americans-wondering-if-we-can-just-get-ww3-over-with-already)the COVID-19 virus. China also elected a guy for life and then set their sites on a [funky little island](https://www.state.gov/u-s-relations-with-taiwan/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=americans-wondering-if-we-can-just-get-ww3-over-with-already#:~:text=As%20a%20leading%20democracy%20and,have%20a%20robust%20unofficial%20relationship.) that we are only sometimes allowed to call a country. For a while there, many service members actually thought there was a real chance of another land war in Europe. However, the current president, the Congress, and Americans generally have [moved on from that minor squabble](https://www.ft.com/content/ca7fa865-97a1-4013-bde6-b69731b03232?ref=duffelblog.com). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Kids’ choice awards names war on terror 'coolest war for kids' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/kids-choice-awards-names-war-on-terror-24-01-24/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:58.000Z **NEW YORK CITY**, N.Y. — Nickelodeon’s [Kids’ Choice Awards](https://www.instagram.com/kidschoiceawards/?hl=en&utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=kids-choice-awards-names-war-on-terror-coolest-war-for-kids) has selected the Global War on Terror as the winner of its annual “Coolest War for Kids” award for a record 23rd year in a row. “Whether it’s the ability to get blown up in an errant drone strike, or pick up a rifle after nap time and pop some skulls, the War on Terror has always kept kids in mind,” the citation read. “[And it has the coolest video games.](https://www.youtube.com/user/callofduty?ref=duffelblog.com)” Hosts John Cena and Amanda Bynes presented the coveted orange blimp trophy to some Afghan villagers after ceremonially planting an IED in the roadside then dousing the village in green slime. The slime-covered village elder seemed confused but pleasantly surprised to receive such an honor. ”I was only a child when this war began and won its first Kids’ Choice Award,” he said, teary-eyed. “Now that I am approaching thirty-five years of age, [well past middle age in my country](https://www.statista.com/statistics/970373/life-expectancy-at-birth-in-afghanistan-by-gender/?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=Life%20expectancy%20at%20birth%20in%20Afghanistan%202021%2C%20by%20gender&text=Comparing%20the%20two%20different%20gender,ranked%20last%2C%20with%2058.92%20years.), It is beautiful to see my children still bringing home the prestigious Nickelodeon blimp that I fought for in my youth.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy rams ___ into ___ in show of force to near peers URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-rams-___-into-___-as-a-show/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:36.000Z THE OPEN OCEAN – The United States Navy has once again rammed \_\_\_ into a \_\_\_, fulfilling its quarterly task of aggressively posturing its capabilities against anyone who would defy them. This is just another in a set of brilliant crashes. Let us not forget the time a \_\_\_ [crashed \_\_\_ into another \_\_\_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onol7M%5Fqtwk&ref=duffelblog.com). Or the time the \_\_\_[ jet careened itself into the \_\_\_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfO%5FqTrEg8s&ref=duffelblog.com). Or even when \_\_\_ went [aground](https://www.navytimes.com/news/your-navy/2023/08/22/uss-howard-sustained-soft-grounding-near-bali-ahead-of-port-visit/?ref=duffelblog.com) in \_\_\_. And the time \_\_\_ [sank when it was not involved in combat operations](https://news.usni.org/2012/08/28/notable-us-navy-ships-lost-world-war-ii?ref=duffelblog.com). Or the \_\_\_ when the \_\_\_ hit the \_\_\_ in the \_\_\_ and then \_\_\_. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fort Liberty to solve trash problem with innovative 'burn pit' program URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-liberty-to-solve-trash-problem/ Last updated: 2024-04-10T09:00:56.000Z **FORT LIBERTY**, N.C. — Following reports that base garbage bins at Fort Liberty were [overflowing with uncollected trash](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/fort-liberty-trash-problem/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-liberty-to-solve-trash-problem-with-innovative-burn-pit-program), garrison commander Col. John Wilcox announced a groundbreaking new program that he promised would solve the garbage problem in no time. “I’m amazed no one’s thought of this before,” said Wilcox as he glanced at a formation of soldiers humping full trash bags toward the closest empty dumpster a mile away, “but what’s old is new again. This morning I signed a directive that each company at Fort Liberty will immediately establish a sub-surface freely oxygenated tactical incinerator emplacement, or what you and I know from the good old days as a ‘burn pit.’ This is an innovative way to deal with the breakdown in timely waste disposal for which I as garrison commander have absolutely no responsibility, as well as getting the troopers out there for a little extra PT.” Wilcox broke off to briefly counsel the soldiers who had just passed him. “Oh you doggone troopers better not be walking that trash across my grass! I don’t care if it’s another quarter-mile to walk around, seems like ya’ll could use the exercise! Look at you, gasping like you’re sucking in airborne fungal spores in your barracks or something! You ain’t a bunch of legs, hump that trash, hooah?” The garbage situation is one of a [growing number of quality of life issues](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/unsafe-military-barracks/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-liberty-to-solve-trash-problem-with-innovative-burn-pit-program) identified across the Army, but Maj. Gen. James P. Isenhower III—make sure you call him “the Third”—claimed that the trash issue was related to the mold problem upon which he had [recently commented](https://taskandpurpose.com/military-life/army-general-isenhower-mold-barracks-discipline-adulting/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-liberty-to-solve-trash-problem-with-innovative-burn-pit-program). “Colonel Wilcox doesn’t have a trash problem, he has a discipline problem, and I’m glad to hear he’s properly identified the source,” said Isenhower the Third. “These Gen Z folks got a lot to learn about adulting, and I can’t think of a better way to teach those troopers at Fort Liberty some grown-up lessons. They’ll get to work with their hands, learn basic skills like how to light a fire—and 20 years from now when they’re heading to early graves from [cancer and lung, heart, and brain diseases](https://ahdbonline.com/web-exclusives/3294-the-hidden-inferno-burn-pit-exposure-in-the-military-and-its-potential-links-to-cancer?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-liberty-to-solve-trash-problem-with-innovative-burn-pit-program), they’ll remember how good they had it when a little mold on the walls, ceiling, and in their drinking water and HVAC system was the most they had to worry about.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy to increase recruitment by lowering enlistment standards for foreign spies URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-to-increase-recruitment-by-lowering/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:35.000Z **ARLINGTON**, Va. — Current [difficulties meeting recruitment goals](https://news.usni.org/2023/10/11/navy-misses-all-recruiting-goals-in-fy-2023-raises-goals-for-fy-2024?ref=duffelblog.com) are driving the Navy to overcome recruitment challenges with an aggressive and creative new plan: lowering standards for foreign spies and implementing a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy regarding asking applicants’ pesky questions regarding citizenship and foreign ties. Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro spoke highly of the change at a press conference. “As you’ve seen, [we have many foreign spies who wish to serve](https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/us-navy-sailor-sentenced-27-months-prison-transmitting-sensitive-us-military-information?ref=duffelblog.com), so who are we to ignore a clear source of recruits? Even Chinese spies can mop and serve chow. Plus, studies indicate foreign spies view their superior officers as unmatched gods, making them perfect for a [Navy rife with toxic leaders](https://www.navytimes.com/opinion/2024/03/04/our-sailors-deserve-good-leaders/?ref=duffelblog.com).” ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/2c7dbeb1-20bf-4f74-821f-b5443e553818_975x525.png) Just recognizing a standout sailor. Chief of Naval Personnel Vice Admiral Rick Cheeseman, Jr. touted the plan as a step towards diversity and inclusion. “We have the opportunity to put our money where our mouth is and take another great step towards making our Navy a more equitable organization no matter where you come from, even if that means you’re [selling our secrets to the Russians](https://news.usni.org/2014/09/02/john-walker-spy-ring-u-s-navys-biggest-betrayal?ref=duffelblog.com),” Cheeseman continued, “As Coach Klein from *Waterboy* said, ‘What mama don’t know won’t hurt her.’” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Toxic Major looking forward to being toxic Lieutenant Colonel URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/toxic-major-looking-forward-to-being/ Last updated: 2024-04-06T12:02:22.000Z FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Army Maj. Jonathan Dewnot, a man spoken of in the hallways of Fort Liberty with a mixture of dread and shock, has officially announced his anticipation of ascending to the esteemed rank of [Toxic Lieutenant Colonel](https://www.moore.army.mil/infantry/magazine/issues/2015/Jul-Sept/pdfs/Beum-Toxic%20Leadership%5FTEXT.pdf?ref=duffelblog.com). Known for his “unique” leadership style that many liken to drinking bleach for motivation, Dewnot is ready to expand his horizons of torment. “I’ve been honing my skills in the [fine art of toxic leadership](https://www.airforcetimes.com/opinion/commentary/2020/09/04/why-toxic-senior-leaders-survive-and-sometimes-thrive-in-the-military/?ref=duffelblog.com) for years, and I’m thrilled to take it up a notch”, declared Maj. Dewnot, while casually flipping through a handbook titled ‘101 Ways to Crush Souls’. “As a Lieutenant Colonel, the scope of my reign and power will broaden. I can’t wait to innovate new methods to ensure my continued unfathomable success at the cost of all those around me.” Critics and supporters alike are divided on [Dewnot’s leadership philosophy](https://cgsc.contentdm.oclc.org/digital/collection/p4013coll2/id/3869/?ref=duffelblog.com). Some argue his tough-as-nails approach is what forges real soldiers, while others believe it forges nothing but therapy bills and transfer requests. “He’s [a legend in the worst possible way](https://apps.dtic.mil/sti/citations/trecms/AD1177379?ref=duffelblog.com),” whispered Sergeant Bob Johnson, who once received a written reprimand for blinking too loudly in Dewnot’s presence. “I thought his current rank gave him enough power to ruin our lives. I fear what fresh hell Lt. Col. Dewnot will unleash.” Maj. Alice Softshifle, a peer of Dewnot’s well known as a [non-toxic leader](https://cgsc.contentdm.oclc.org/digital/collection/p4013coll2/id/2943/?ref=duffelblog.com) said, “Dewnot once asked me to submit a PowerPoint slide for him. It was clearly his job to do it but I figured I’d help him out. Not only did he claim it as his own work he also sent me a nasty email about the formatting and cussed me out. A month later he acted like nothing happened and hugged me goodbye when he left. Total psycho.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 'Just an exercise,' says USAF of ominous, ancient Egyptian-style gate erected ahead of eclipse URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/just-an-exercise-says-usaf-of-ominous/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:35.000Z **WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE,** OH. – As excitement builds across the United States for the upcoming total eclipse, joint US military units at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base have been busily setting up ominous “gate-shaped” structures covered in what appear to be ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. The structures, surrounded by statues of various pagan deities, are located by the airfield, [which is located directly in the path of totality](https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=eclipse+2024&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&ref=duffelblog.com). “It’s just an exercise,” said Col. Ariel Batungbacal, commander of the National Air and Space Intelligence Center. “There is no need to worry or to s[mear the blood of lambs over the doors of your homes](https://www.philipbiedenbender.com/store/the-blood-of-the-lamb/?ref=duffelblog.com).” “Hail Anubis,” she added. Residents near Wright-Patterson have recently complained about the increase in air traffic in the area, as multitudes of aircraft have been heard, but not actually observed, arriving at the base in the dead of night. Reports of “pulsating, tortured wailing” emanating from the airfield have also risen over the past weeks. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Putin blames Ukraine for baltimore bridge collapse URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-blames-ukraine-for-baltimore/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:58.000Z --- **MOSCOW**— Newly re-elected Russian president, [Vladimir Putin](https://www.cnn.com/2024/03/17/europe/putin-wins-russia-presidential-election-intl/index.html?ref=duffelblog.com) has offered his sympathy and support to the city of Baltimore following what he called a “brazen attack by the [Nazi Ukraine](https://apnews.com/article/russia-ukraine-bombed-village-nazis-un-7046e5a951ed4d66e02762fad26213ed?ref=duffelblog.com) government” on the Francis Scott Key Bridge. The recent bridge collapsed after a cargo ship collided with it, resulting in the tragic death of six people, four of whom remain missing. The tragedy on the Baltimore bridge comes on the heels of a deadly terrorist attack on a concert hall in the Moscow suburbs that, though loudly claimed by ISIS-K, Putin revealed this was all the work of Ukraine as part of their efforts to destroy freedom and democracy across the globe. “My president is very smart and sees through foreign influence,” remarked Katerina Zaitseva, a former lingerie model and staffer for Putin’s administration. “He has recognized that Ukraine is to blame for everything from that terrorist attack to the bridge collapse but also famines and impotence in men with extremely [high levels](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15603-low-testosterone-male-hypogonadism?ref=duffelblog.com) of testosterone, like himself.” However, some officials in Baltimore disagree with Putin’s assertion. “Ukraine didn’t attack our bridge and DEI didn’t fail our infrastructure maintenance,” said Baltimore’s mayor, Brandon Scott while desperately trying to explain basic physics to a crowd of constituents. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### In controversial ruling, Supreme Court deems enlisted members 'people' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/in-controversial-ruling-supreme-court/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:57.000Z **WASHINGTON, DC** — Hot on the heels of their previous controversial decision striking down the progressive Army [tattoo policy](https://www.duffelblog.com/scotus-overturns-army-tattoo-policy/), the Supreme Court has shaken the Department of Defense to its very core by declaring that enlisted members are ‘people’. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts said, “While it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, not unlike Military Special brand vodka, this court can no longer deny that enlisted service members are, in fact, people, and are entitled to be treated as such.” Writing separately, former Army Captain Justice Alito reluctantly concurred. “Whether they be Joes or Janes, Devil Dogs or Swabbies; whether they be called Schmitty, Snuffy, or Schmuckatelli, or TED, NUB, Boot, or Seaman Timmy, this court feels that each enlisted member must be considered a full person under the meaning of the constitution, and is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, however misguided their pursuits may be.” At the insistence of the Supreme Court First Sergeant, Justice Alito clarified that liberty was “[obviously subject to timely completion of all online trainin](https://www.duffelblog.com/cyber-training-will-not-take-place/)g and not being red on dental.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army introduces 'cereal for dinner' DFAC program URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-introduces-cereal-for-dinner/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:57.000Z In a groundbreaking response to the ongoing criticism surrounding its handling of soldier nutrition and financial allowances for food, the U.S. Army has proudly announced the launch of its innovative "[Cereal for Dinner](https://www.cerealfordinner.org/?ref=duffelblog.com)" DFAC Program. The initiative will “provide a cost-effective and crunchy solution to the dietary dilemmas faced by our nation's defenders,” according to Army spokesperson Brig. Gen. Chuck Mills. “What better way to deal with a complex issue than eating a bowl of cereal?” asked Mills. “Heck, that’s how my wife got through my third deployment.” The program, described as "A Warrior Breakfast", aims to offer a diverse selection of cereals, ranging from the sugary delights of childhood to the fiber-rich options that promise to keep our soldiers regular, if not satisfied. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Arlington replaces confederate statue with statue of interracial gay troops kissing URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/arlington-replaces-confederate-statue/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:34.000Z **ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY**, Va. — Secretaries of the military branches presided over a ceremony this morning to dedicate a statue of interracial gay troops kissing where a confederate statue once stood, sources confirm. A large crowd wearing rainbow attire cheered as Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, Army Secretary Christine Wormuth, and Navy Secretary Carlos Del Toro unveiled the bronze figures of a white male officer wrapped in the arms of a Black male soldier, their lips locked in fiery passion. The base of the new statue previously held a confederate memorial that [was removed last year](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confederate%5FMemorial%5F%28Arlington%5FNational%5FCemetery%29?ref=duffelblog.com#Removal) as part of the Pentagon’s “No More Glorification For Traitors” cemetery improvement project. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Chief reprimanded for professional and appropriate relationship with junior sailor URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/chief-reprimanded-for-professional/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:56.000Z **SAN DIEGO**, Ca. — A Navy Chief Petty Officer faces punishment for [uncommon and uncharacteristic](https://www.navytimes.com/news/your-navy/2022/09/14/navys-top-enlisted-sailor-retired-honorably-after-misconduct-probe/?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=Russell%20Smith%2C%20the%2015th%20master,Smith%20over%20allegations%20of%20misconduct.) behavior. Shocking subordinates, peers, and seniors alike, Chief Eduard Valencia-Marasigan was reported for excessive transparency, dignified comportment, and an [unusually high standard of mentorship](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/jody-fletcher-listen-twice-as-much-as-you-speak/id1591979803?i=1000568858530&ref=duffelblog.com) as it concerns naval officers, his peers, and most tellingly, junior sailors. Valencia-Marasigan, a Chief Boatswain’s Mate, checked in aboard USS Essex in November 2023, and has served with quiet dignity until he was discovered conducting thoughtful career development boards with sailors in his division, showing appropriate concern for their health and welfare, and expressing ideas for future individual development outside of naval service, going so far as providing physical brochures for education programs and tuition assistance for Naval personnel. All witnesses to the event agreed that Valencia-Marasigan gave this information willingly to all sailors. One sailor present was an especially young and impressionable Seaman Recruit Hawa Abdi, who as of this reporting, is only eighteen years old. “I was really shocked by Chief Val,” said Abdi. “First, he told us that our time was valuable and gave us early liberty for painting the foc’sle so quickly, and then here he is telling me, specifically, that I could apply to Annapolis if I wanted to!” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 'Army am lowering standards more for morer recruit', says Army URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-am-lowering-standards-more-for/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:33.000Z **THE PENTAGON** – As the US military continues to struggle with[ lagging recruiting efforts](https://www.defense.gov/News/News-Stories/Article/Article/3610846/chiefs-discuss-military-recruiting-challenges-at-committee-hearing/?ref=duffelblog.com), the Army has announced ambitious plans to fill their ranks using a program that “am lower standards more” to attract “more recruit\[s\].” According to a press release from the Pentagon, the “Join Army, Bro!” campaign is aimed at those citizens who may have thought the Army was too “cerebral” before. “Not everyone is a rocket scientist who can score a 21 on the ASVAB,” said MSgt. Cherry Thomas, from the US Army Recruitment Command. “We need warm bodies, and we need them now. Our message is if you can tell your ass from a hole in the ground two out of three times,” she said, holding up four fingers to demonstrate, “then your country needs you.” The reasons for the service’s current recruitment difficulties are many. Low unemployment gives young people more stable pay that isn’t threatened by Congressional dysfunction, for example. And some polls indicate today’s youth may not like living in mold-choked barracks or living under the threat of[ food insecurity](https://www.forbes.com/sites/nicoleroberts/2023/08/27/food-insecurity-in-us-military-and-veterans-doubles-national-average/?sh=b749aa741f13&ref=duffelblog.com). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine sentenced to Leavenworth grateful for extra space, absence of toxic mold URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-sentenced-to-leavenworth-grateful/ Last updated: 2024-03-23T12:00:00.000Z **FORT LEAVENWORTH**, KS — In an unexpected turn of events, former Marine Sgt. Guddy Hartman, recently sentenced to a ten-year term at the United States Disciplinary Barracks in Fort Leavenworth, expressed his gratitude for the transfer, citing the “luxuriously spacious and mold-free” living conditions as a significant upgrade from his previous barracks. “It’s like I’ve won the housing lottery,” Hartman exclaimed, his voice echoing off the pristine walls of his new solo cell. “Back at [Camp Pendleton](https://www.marinecorpstimes.com/news/your-marine-corps/2024/01/11/photos-reveal-vermin-filth-and-disarray-at-one-marine-corps-barracks/?ref=duffelblog.com), my room was so cramped, my elbows would touch both walls when I did my morning push-ups. And let’s not even talk about the mold situation. I thought I had a roommate for the longest time! Turns out it was just a wicked case of black mold that had been there so long it gained sentience.” Hartman, convicted of [“borrowing” a Humvee](https://www.militarytimes.com/off-duty/military-culture/2024/01/05/please-return-lts-humvee-this-is-no-longer-funny-stop/?ref=duffelblog.com) for an impromptu road trip to Vegas, was initially apprehensive about his sentence. However, his fears were quickly assuaged upon discovering that his new accommodations included a personal toilet, a bed without mysterious stains, and air quality that didn’t trigger his allergies. “The air in here is so clean, I can actually breathe without wheezing. I’ve even stopped coughing up blood,” Hartman noted with a hint of joy. “I mean, sure, I miss the camaraderie of my fellow Marines, but on the bright side, I don’t have to deal with Corporal Stevens’ snoring anymore. It’s like a symphony of peace and quiet in here.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### West Point replaces mission statement with dancing mule Tik Tok URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-replaces-mission-statement/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:33.000Z **US MILITARY ACADEMY**, WEST POINT, N.Y. – The United States Military Academy (USMA) at West Point is enjoying a surge in popularity after replacing its entire mission statement with a hilarious TikTok video of its mascot mule dancing. [West Point has recently suffered criticism for removing “duty, honor, country” from its mission statement](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2024/03/14/duty-honor-outrage-change-west-points-mission-statement-sparks-controversy.html?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=Still%2C%20some%20people%20saw%20the,the%20social%20media%20platform%20X.). But USMA spokesperson Col. Shaun Carver said, “What really surprised us was that somebody actually read the mission statement at all. Who does that? Even at training meetings we blow right through that slide and skip ahead to watching football team videos.” Carver emphasized that some of West Point’s critics are apparently unaware that “Duty, Honor, Country” remains the USMA motto. Or that the nine previous changes to the mission statement were routine events and usually ignored, [like most staff work](https://hr-on.com/pointless-work-in-the-workplace-four-ways-to-measure-employee-well-being/?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=Pointless%20work%20refers%20to%20roles,overall%20purpose%20of%20an%20organization.). To enhance strategic messaging, a panel of senior West Point staff sought a replacement for the mission statement with a more modern and relatable description of the USMA environment. “The clear winner from that panel,” Carver said, “was a dancing mule video.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ChatGPT not allowed to learn MDMP, majors remain relevant for now URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/chatgpt-not-allowed-to-learn-mdmp/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:26.000Z **FORT EUSTIS**, Va. — Recognizing a threat to their existence, Army Majors have successfully lobbied to stop generative AI like [ChatGPT](https://chat.openai.com/auth/login?ref=duffelblog.com) from learning and using the military decision-making process, or MDMP. ChatGPT has quickly become the most popular new tech in the world with users all over Europe, Africa, and one guy in North Korea. With its recent updates, this AI can understand millions of subjects and summarize complex issues all within seconds, just like IPPS-A. It is very familiar with the military’s many regulations and processes. [MDMP](https://usacac.army.mil/sites/default/files/publications/15-06%5F0.pdf?ref=duffelblog.com) is a seven-step planning process built over years of trial and error, experience, and war. One will typically find it as the focus of professional military education for senior leaders. Army Majors focus on this skill and use it to plan exercises and real-world missions. MDMP could almost be said to be the whole reason the rank even exists. Lieutenant Colonels are the battalion commanders, Captains are the company commanders, Majors are, well…there. Being good at MDMP is not just their one skill, it can also be their entire personality. “When my wife doesn’t know where to eat, I break out my whiteboard, markers, and template I was provided in ILE,” said Maj. Ryan Johnson, a thrice divorced, self-proclaimed family man. “Our mission: get good food. Our courses of action: Popeyes, Burger King, or Popeyes.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Military aide must ‘dummy cord’ nuclear football after leaving it on Biden’s corvette URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/military-aide-must-dummy-cord-nuclear/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:56.000Z **THE WHITE HOUSE** – Lt. Col. Jason Schmutz will be required to ‘dummy cord’ the President’s Emergency Satchel, commonly referred to as the ‘[nuclear football](https://apnews.com/article/nuclear-football-presidential-satchel-war-df3c1e65cfd21f137fd2fc7e7d62ffab?ref=duffelblog.com),’ to his body after leaving it on top of President Biden’s 1967 Corvette Stingray, sources confirmed today. “What a f\*cking newb,” [White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeff%5FZients?ref=duffelblog.com) told the Duffel Blog. “The nuclear football sat on the hood of the President’s ‘shaggin’ wagon’ for the better part of an hour while Schmuckatelli was stuffing his face.” This is not the first time sensitive materials were left in the vicinity of the president’s sports car. In 2023, it came to light that President Biden had classified documents stored in his garage [next to his Corvette](https://time.com/6246994/biden-classified-documents-delaware-corvette/?ref=duffelblog.com). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Morbidly obese major has really squared away haircut URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/morbidly-obese-major-has-really-squared/ Last updated: 2024-03-16T12:00:00.000Z **FORT LIBERTY**, N.C. — Maj. Kevin Pattersburg, a staff officer at the 18th Airborne Corps, has been turning heads not just for being significantly obese but for his exceptionally well-groomed haircut. [While at 5’11” he tips the scales at 300 pounds](https://www.city-journal.org/article/the-few-the-fat-the-fatigued?ref=duffelblog.com), Pattersburg maintains a haircut that is the epitome of military precision and order and that is good enough for most. “Sure, Major Pattersburg might have let himself go in other areas,” said Colonel Rick Flair, his commanding officer. “But damn it, look at his hair! The man is an absolute perfectionist. Clearly dedicated! It’s as if each strand is personally accountable to the Army Regulation!” Pattersburg’s hair, which has been described as a masterpiece of military grooming standards, has become a source of pride and a topic of lighthearted jest among his colleagues. “We’ve got a running joke here,” chuckled Lt. Col. Jennifer Smith. “The Major might be violating a [platoon’s worth of height and weight regulations](https://usarmybasic.com/army-physical-fitness/army-height-weight-standards/?ref=duffelblog.com), but his hair could pass any inspection, any time, any place. And who can argue with that kind of dedication to a standard that requires almost no effort whatsoever but has somehow come to be conflated with ‘professionalism’?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### USAF offers to donate A-10s to Ukraine. Or anybody at all, really. Please. Just F*cking take them already URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/usaf-offers-to-donate-a-10s-to-ukraine/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:55.000Z **WASHINGTON, DC** \- In a move that has Pentagon insiders both bewildered and amused, the United States Air Force has made an unprecedented offer to [donate its fleet of A-10 Thunderbolt II aircraft](https://www.defensenews.com/air/2023/03/09/us-air-force-wants-to-retire-all-a-10s-by-2029/?ref=duffelblog.com), affectionately known as “Warthogs,” to Ukraine. Or, in a surprising twist, to “literally anyone else who will take them off our hands,” as one exasperated official put it. “We’re pretty much begging at this point,” said Air Force spokesperson Lt. Col. Barry Flightpath. “We’ve tried everything – [Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, even a lemonade stand-style pitch outside the Pentagon](https://www.tiktok.com/@the%5Fmarshallpatrick/video/7294020998784044334?lang=en&ref=duffelblog.com). If you’ve got a ZIP code, we’ve got an A-10 for you.” The A-10, known for its distinctive “BRRRT” sound and unparalleled close air support capabilities, has long been a subject of contention within the Air Force. With modernization efforts in full swing and budgets tighter than the cockpit of an F-35, the service is looking to offload the aging aircraft to make room for newer, shinier toys. “We thought about making them into a trendy pop-up hotel experience,” Flightpath mused, flipping through a PowerPoint deck titled ‘Operation Warthog AirBnB.’ “But then we figured, why not just give them to Ukraine? Or, I don’t know, [a well-organized homeowners association](https://www.tiktok.com/@taylortijerina/video/7287986901997341995?lang=en&ref=duffelblog.com)? Really, we’re not picky.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Intel community to attract top talent with Hentai allowance URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/intel-community-to-attract-top-talent/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:54.000Z **FT. BELVOIR**, Va. - Championing a new incentive to retain more intelligence talent across the US Armed Forces amidst a recruiting crisis, [Command Sgt Maj. Kyle Gilliam](https://www.usainscom.army.mil/Organization/Command-Sergeant-Major/?ref=duffelblog.com) is on a mission to convince other senior enlisted leaders to look eastward, into the rising sun. Convinced that the consumption of erotic Japanese animation is the “new nicotine” Gilliam urged fellow senior enlisted leaders at a Joint Senior Enlisted Intelligence Leadership Conference to immediately implement a [*hentai*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hentai?ref=duffelblog.com) allowance for intelligence troops who already spend much of their time alone in dark rooms. “If you look in any of your junior soldier’s barracks right now, I guarantee you will find some sort[ anime paraphernalia](https://www.amazon.com/bikini-anime-figure/s?k=bikini+anime+figure&ref=duffelblog.com),” Gilliam said. “It all clicked for me when I saw an anime pillow during a barracks inspection. I asked the Soldier what the pillow was about and he said, ‘That's my [*waifu*](https://www.cbr.com/waifu-anime-term-origin-pop-culture-growth/?ref=duffelblog.com), Sergeant Major.’ I didn't know what that meant, but he screamed at the top of his lungs if anyone touched it, and I thought, ‘Bingo!’.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Secretary Austin caught skipping state of the union by making same day Walter Reed appointment URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secretary-austin-caught-skipping/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:10:26.000Z WASHINGTON — The Biden Administration has reprimanded Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin for abusing Walter Reed's sick call appointments to get out of attending the 2024 State of the Union Address and other White House meetings. Caught red-handed playing Helldivers 2 in his barracks room on Friday, the secretary scrambled to find an on-the-spot excuse as the president stood at the door berating him. “So what about that appointment Austin, you look like you’re feeling better huh?” demanded President Biden, according to senior administration officials. “Um sir, the appointment was canceled so I was just going to head in after chow,” Austin stuttered to an indignant president. “I told Mayorkas to give me notes aft…,” he gasped before being interrupted by the Commander in Chief. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Local man unsure which global terrorist to sympathize with next URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/local-man-unsure-which-global-terrorist/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:53.000Z **ST. LOUIS** \- Local resident Gary Hinkle, a 34-year-old self-described "free thinker," faces a conundrum that has left even the most open-minded community members scratching their heads. After spending the last year expressing his "sympathy" for figures like [Osama Bin Laden](https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=67572536f24558f0JmltdHM9MTcwNzUyMzIwMCZpZ3VpZD0xZTJhODk3My1mODU3LTY3NjctMmQ3MC04NmJmZjlmZjY2MTQmaW5zaWQ9NTIyNQ&ptn=3&ver=2&hsh=3&fclid=1e2a8973-f857-6767-2d70-86bff9ff6614&psq=osama+bin+laden+tik+tok&u=a1aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubnByLm9yZy8yMDIzLzExLzE3LzEyMTM3MTIxMzYvdGlrLXRvay1iaW4tbGFkZW4tdmlkZW9zLW9zYW1h&ntb=1&ref=duffelblog.com) and [more recently Vladimir Putin](https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=5575e945ce79f331JmltdHM9MTcwNzUyMzIwMCZpZ3VpZD0xZTJhODk3My1mODU3LTY3NjctMmQ3MC04NmJmZjlmZjY2MTQmaW5zaWQ9NTUyNQ&ptn=3&ver=2&hsh=3&fclid=1e2a8973-f857-6767-2d70-86bff9ff6614&psq=putin+carlson+interview&u=a1aHR0cHM6Ly9uZXdzLnlhaG9vLmNvbS90dWNrZXItY2FybHNvbi1pbnRlcnZpZXctdmxhZGltaXItcHV0aW4tMTMzNjAwNjA0Lmh0bWw&ntb=1&ref=duffelblog.com), Hinkle is now lost in a moral maze, struggling to decide which global terrorist deserves his misplaced compassion next. "It's a tough choice, really," Hinkle sighs, while carefully dusting his collection of controversial leader figurines. "Each of these men had a dream, a vision—misguided, sure, but who am I to judge? There are two sides to every coin!” Hinkle's quandary is emblematic of a broader, more disturbing trend in today’s society where segments of the population, disenchanted with conventional politics, have veered dangerously close to the edges of extremist ideologies. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### AFN presents the Geo-Bachelor URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/afn-presents-the-geo-bachelor/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:24.000Z **ARMED FORCES NETWORK** — Following the commercial successes of The Bachelor, Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, and Golden Bachelor, [Armed Forces Network](https://myafn.dodlive.mil/AFN-Now/?ref=duffelblog.com) is dipping its feet into the reality television market with *The Geo-Bachelor.* Camera crews followed married Army Captain Steven Sharpe at his Captain’s Career Course where women competed for his affections in hopes of ultimately becoming his TDY-wife. “With my wife and two children back home in [Fort Carson](https://gazette.com/news/crime/fort-carson-soldiers-murder-unsolved-almost-a-year-later/article%5F7aaec04c-c6c2-11ee-a5cb-e3e5dc931eef.html?ref=duffelblog.com), my bed was growing extremely cold at night. The twenty women I met were a mixture of bartenders, nurse technicians, and even other women in my course. It was a hard-fought competition, so you’ll just have to watch and see who the lucky lady is at the end of it all,” said Sharpe. “Throughout the season, viewers will see women compete in various competitions such as ‘Who Can Shotgun a Busch Lite the Fastest?’, ‘Twerk-a-thon’, and ‘Tell Me About Your [Daddy Issues’](https://www.fatherhood.org/championing-fatherhood/deployed-dads?ref=duffelblog.com). It’s an epic romance told over twelve episodes.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US joint force unsurprised to see nation, middle-east “back on their bullshit” URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-joint-force-unsurprised-to-see/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:52.000Z **US CENTRAL COMMAND**, Tampa, Fl.—The expanding chaos in the Middle-East that has shocked international security experts has come as less of a surprise to members of the US Joint Force, according to interviews conducted with personnel deployed in support of [Operation Prosperity Guardian](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation%5FProsperity%5FGuardian?ref=duffelblog.com). “I saw this coming the minute the Israelis starting pounding the shit out of this place. There was no way America would just watch someone else rawdog that shit and just sit on the sidelines,” said Fire Controlman First Class Everett Garcia. “It always starts out good,” continued Garcia, noticeably adjusting the crotch of his trousers. “We’re dropping huge loads \[of ordnance\] around the clock and they’ll be just as ready to go the following day. [Hezbollah, Houthis, Hamas](https://academic.oup.com/california-scholarship-online/book/14620/chapter-abstract/168754026?redirectedFrom=fulltext&ref=duffelblog.com)? Whatever, they all have just an insatiable desire to get pounded over and over. Sometimes they’ll get freaky and invite someone else into the mix. Shit gets nasty, but good nasty, na’mean? I remember going hard against the Sunni insurgency in 2009, and bam, they bring in Boko Haram out of nowhere. We look over our shoulder and there’s the French tagging in with us. They love that colonial, interracial shit. But the truth is it always ends the same way it did with my first wife: somebody crying, somebody screaming, somebody swearing eternal jihad.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Military spouse genitals now CAC-enabled URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/military-spouse-genitals-now-cac/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:27.000Z **THE PENTAGON** – In its latest modernization effort at improving cybersecurity hygiene for military families, the Department of Defense announced that the genitalia of all military spouses will become [Common Access Card](https://www.cac.mil/common-access-card/?ref=duffelblog.com)\-enabled by the end of the fiscal year. ”The penises and vaginas of our military family members deserve the same benefits and security features as the penises and vaginas of servicemembers themselves,” Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said, “the latter of which have been CAC-enabled since 2014.” When it comes to securing your spouse’s private parts during a lengthy deployment overseas, experts say there’s no better solution than multi-factor authentication. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Breaking: MRE Jalapeño cheese spread terrible anal lubricant URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/breaking-mre-jalapeno-cheese-spread/ Last updated: 2024-03-02T13:00:00.000Z **FORT LIBERTY,** NC — In a surprising discovery that has rocked the barracks of Fort Liberty, home of Special Operations, the Airborne, and your mom, a group of privates has reported that the jalapeño cheese spread commonly found in MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat) is a catastrophic choice for an anal lubricant. The incident came to light early Monday morning when several soldiers were rushed to the base medical center with complaints that experts are calling an “unprecedented amount of butt-hurt, never before seen in the annals of military medical history.” “I just thought, hey, it's slippery, it's available, and it glows in the dark, why not?” said a Pvt. who preferred to remain anonymous. “I couldn't have been more wrong.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Corpsman awarded Nobel Prize in medicine for mixing Tylenol with Motrin URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/corpsman-awarded-nobel-prize-in-medicine/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:55:18.000Z STOCKHOLM, Sweden — In a groundbreaking announcement, the Nobel Committee awarded its prestigious prize in Medicine to U.S. Navy Corpsman Petty Officer 2nd Class Jack “Doc” Kevorkian for his revolutionary cocktail of Tylenol and Motrin, a blend that has reportedly cured everything from sprained ankles to existential dread among service members. Kevorkian, stationed at Camp Pendleton, humbly accepted the award, stating, “I just mixed what we had in the storage room. I had no idea it would become such a game-changer.” The Nobel Committee praised Kevorkian's “innovative approach and substantial impact on military medicine.” A spokesperson added, “His mix has not only alleviated physical pain but also provided a true boost to morale among troops. For years people have been making jokes about militaries across the world and their obsession with [Motrin](https://www.militarytimes.com/off-duty/military-culture/2019/02/01/medical-pioneer-responsible-for-militarys-famous-motrin-and-water-treatment-dies-at-95/?ref=duffelblog.com). It turns out the joke is on them.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine ranks animals by how well he could take them in a fight URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-ranks-animals-by-how-well/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:09:47.000Z CAMP PENDLETON, Ca.— *Note: The following was an unsolicited submission from a slightly intoxicated and bored junior enlisted Marine, PFC Christian de la Luna-Crudup. It is presented as he submitted it.* 7\. **Coyote:** Yup, seems [scarier ](https://reddit.com/r/whowouldwin/comments/9l5crh/an%5Famerican%5Fman%5Fvs%5Fa%5Fcoyote/?ref=duffelblog.com)than it actually is. When I was on gate guard duty we would always see them at night. My childhood dog is bigger than those dudes. Plus, yes they have knives for teeth but I have teeth and knives and knife hands. Also, they are kind of cute so maybe I could make it into a pet. Time to KO: \~5 minutes. Verdict: Me. 6\. **Geese:** ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/04787a3f-45b1-4c15-9074-32556a156515_1000x667.png) Nasty little guys. They can fly so that’s an advantage. However, on the ground, [hand-to-wing combat](https://lifehacker.com/how-to-fight-a-goose-and-win-just-kidding-you-won-t-w-1848918670?ref=duffelblog.com#:~:text=In%20reality%2C%20there%20is%20no,broken%20bones%20and%20head%20injuries.)? I am confident in my skills. I have a tan belt in MCMAP. Besides, they are all talk and they have a lot of throat to punch and choke. I am not afraid of being beak-bitten. Time to KO: \~10 minutes. Verdict: Me, AF. 5\. **Horse:** ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/fb2d1762-f674-48a0-817f-0d85a2218897_1000x667.png) This is a bit of a wild card. Christopher Reeves was literally Superman and got humbled by a horse. But honestly, [I don’t want to fight a horse](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/10/20/450068114/heres-how-you-can-outrun-a-horse?ref=duffelblog.com), I want to befriend a horse. I would recognize his grace and power but also hope he would see my wisdom and gentleness. Time to KO: No KO but it will probably take a couple of hours to learn how to horseback ride. Verdict: BFFs. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DOD: Maybe this osprey thing was actually a bad idea? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-maybe-this-osprey-thing-was-actually/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:51.000Z **DALLAS**, Tx. – In a moment of rare introspection, the U.S. military is reportedly considering the once-unthinkable: maybe the V-22 Osprey, the infamous tilt-rotor aircraft, [wasn't such a great idea after all](https://apnews.com/article/osprey-crash-clutch-grounded-accidents-explainer-5d81b361e3d1e43402f6727341515668?ref=duffelblog.com). The soul-searching comes after decades of defending the aircraft's exorbitant costs, high-profile crashes, and tendency to be more temperamental than a two-star general passed over for that third star. The [Osprey](https://ig.space/commslink/v-22-osprey-does-it-deserve-its-controversial-reputation?ref=duffelblog.com) was originally pitched as the aviation equivalent of a Swiss Army knife but turned out to be more of a military-grade plastic spork — expensive, not particularly good at any one thing, and prone to snapping under pressure. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Military Flyover during puppy bowl causes chaos on the field URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/military-flyover-during-puppy-bowl-causes-chaos-on-the-field/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:50.000Z Team Puff Captain Travis Shelty is reportedly still hiding in a closet. **PARADISE**, NV. - In a shocking turn of events at Puppy Bowl 2024, what was supposed to be a heartwarming display of adorable canines frolicking on the field turned into a chaotic scene reminiscent of a war zone. As viewers tuned in to watch the annual spectacle of canine cuteness, they were instead subjected to the thunderous roar of military jets from VFA-97 out of Lemoore, CA, and the panicked howling of a terrified frenzy of fluffy, adorable puppies. Of the unexpected flyover one fan said, "It was chaos, but it was also strangely adorable." Team Ruff Coach Dan unleashed a heated half-time press conference, “It’s a damn shame. I’m a man, fly over my house, but don’t come after them! [Those are good boys and girls out there](https://weratedogs.com/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=military-flyover-during-puppy-bowl-causes-chaos-on-the-field)!” As the jets roared overhead, cameras caught Vegas favorite for Most Valuable Puppy (MVP), Pawtrick Mahomes, relieving himself on the field. Analysts were quick to point out that this could have been due to excitement and shouldn’t be a sign the star QB had rattled nerves. Honored guest, [Conan the Special Operations dog, beloved by former President Trump](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2019/11/25/trump-awards-conan-hero-special-forces-dog-medal-white-house.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=military-flyover-during-puppy-bowl-causes-chaos-on-the-field#:~:text=Trump%20said%20the%20dog%20was,dog%20is%20incredibly%2C%20absolutely%20incredible.), stood stoically; silently weeping during the ear-shattering display. Cameras panned repeatedly to [Tailer Swift](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/11/style/taylor-swift-super-bowl.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=military-flyover-during-puppy-bowl-causes-chaos-on-the-field), a billion-dollar Greyhound seated in a luxury kennel whose attendance at other events has been repeatedly criticized as a political ploy, but she remained calm despite the clamor surrounding her. It was an unsurprising reaction [given the amount of frantic howling and barking from ill-mannered curs](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-defense-we-re-not-smart-enough-to-run-a-taylor-swift-psyop/) she’s had to deal with in the run-up to this year’s Puppy Bowl. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Toby Keith reunites with American soldier URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/toby-keith-reunites-with-american-soldier/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:50.000Z **THE GREAT BEYOND** — In a bizarre twist that has shaken the entertainment world, country music star Toby Keith, despite having passed away Tuesday morning, reportedly held a posthumous rendezvous with the very service member who inspired his anthem, "[American Soldier](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tobykeith/americansoldier.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=toby-keith-reunites-with-american-soldier)." The encounter, occurring in a realm beyond our own, has become the talk of both sides of the grave, with insiders dubbing it "the most American ghost story ever told." “[The Founding Fathers couldn’t write shit even close to this](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tobykeith/courtesyoftheredwhiteandbluetheangryamerican.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=toby-keith-reunites-with-american-soldier),” a source from the Great Beyond told Duffel Blog. “It made the signing of the Declaration of Independence look like community theater.” According to the source, Keith, still donning his signature cowboy hat, found himself face to face with the soldier during what can only be described as a celestial Veterans Day parade. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Feds lure TX National Guard from border with fake hooters, liquor store URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/feds-lure-tx-national-guard-from-border-with-fake-hooters-liquor-store/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:49.000Z EAGLE PASS, TX - The federal government has averted a constituional crisis by tricking the Texas National Guard into leaving a potential border flashpoint with an inflatable fake Hooters restaurant and liquor store installed nearby. With an end to the[ standdown with the Border Patrol](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/texas-national-guard-razor-wire/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=feds-lure-tx-national-guard-from-border-with-fake-hooters-liquor-store), the Biden administration touted the success of “Operation Knockers,” aptly named by an oddly sweaty President Biden who spoke to the issue during a White House press conference. “We are happy to bring an end to this without violence. We knew these National Guard soldiers wouldn’t be able to pass up the chance to get some cigarettes and Zyn before going next door for some cold brews and - ahem - entertainment.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Department of defense: 'We're not smart enough to run a Taylor Swift PSYOP' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-defense-we-re-not-smart-enough-to-run-a-taylor-swift-psyop/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:23.000Z DIVE BAR ON THE EAST SIDE, Washington, D.C. — Following the Baltimore Ravens’ bold decision to stop playing good football in the third quarter of the AFC Championship last week, a flurry of online outrage erupted as right-wing incels were forced to watch footage of a [healthy and mutually respectful](https://people.com/travis-kelce-tells-taylor-swift-i-love-you-after-afc-championship-win-8553497?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=department-of-defense-we-re-not-smart-enough-to-run-a-taylor-swift-psyop) heterosexual relationship. The same commentators normally enraged by anything other than “one man, one woman” relationships now allege that billionaire pop star Taylor Swift is a [Pentagon-sponsored psychological operations asset ](https://www.politico.com/news/2024/01/10/pentagon-taylor-swift-fox-00134866?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=department-of-defense-we-re-not-smart-enough-to-run-a-taylor-swift-psyop)secretly planted to secure a [reelection victory](https://www.theguardian.com/music/2024/jan/31/taylor-swift-travis-kelce-super-bowl-rightwing-conspiracy-biden?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=department-of-defense-we-re-not-smart-enough-to-run-a-taylor-swift-psyop) for President Joe Biden. “You know what, I really thought we were done with this shit,” said Pentagon spokesman Maj Gen Pat Ryder. “Seriously, just say that out loud and tell me what part of it sounds plausible. Taylor Swift is talented, successful, and happy. Do any of those words sound like the Defense Department to you?” Deputy Secretary of Defense Kathleen Hicks tweeted a similar statement from an undisclosed location code-named the [Puertogon](https://www.duffelblog.com/secretary-austin-awarded-new-sick-call-ranger-tab/): _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Top 5 disability ratings as ranked by a drunk guy at the VFW URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/top-5-disability-ratings-ranked-drunk-guy-vfw/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T22:20:43.000Z “Hey buddy, lemme tell you something, I have this stuff knocked.” **VFW Post 1369** — Hey man, listen up. I've been around, seen a thing or two, and I've got some wisdom to share. You're gonna want to hear this — my top five disability ratings. Trust me, I've thought about this a lot, especially after a few rounds here at the VFW. **1\. "That One Where You Can't Hear Your Wife Anymore”** First up, and don't laugh, it's the one where you can't hear your wife anymore. And she can’t even get mad at you, because then SHE is the bad guy for yelling at a disabled veteran. Genius, right? No more nagging about the dishes or the trash. It's like, she's talking, but all you hear is freedom. And by freedom, I mean a constant dog whistle sound that will lead to a lack of sleep and increased irritability. Let’s toast to pure bliss! **2\. "The Limp Thing – Chicks Dig Scars, Right?"** Now, the second one – it's the limp. You know, the one caused by “the big bang” during your deployment. It's a badge of honor, and let me tell you, chicks dig scars. You just limp into a bar, and bam, instant respect. Plus, it's a great conversation starter. "How'd you get that?" they ask. "Well, let me tell you a story..." Speaking of which, where is that bartender? **3\. "That Jumpy Thing When Fireworks Go Boom"** So, number three – and this one can be a bit tricky. Let me finish this beer first. Bartender??? Anyways, it's that jumpy thing when fireworks go off. It keeps you on your toes, literally! You're like a cat on the nip, highly alert yet unable to determine what’s real versus what isn’t. Plus, it's a great excuse to avoid *(burps)* your family. "Sorry kids, Daddy can’t light the fireworks. Doctor's orders." Works every time. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy commander relieved for treating his sailors like people URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-commander-relieved-for-treating-24-01-18/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:14.000Z “There is no place in our Navy for leaders who are animated by human concerns.” **NORFOLK**, Va. — In response to what’s being called a “shocking departure from tradition,” Cdr. Paul Johnson of the USS Compassion was officially relieved for treating his sailors like real people. Sources aboard the USS Compassion revealed that Cdr. Johnson’s unconventional approach to [Navy leadership](https://media.defense.gov/2020/May/18/2002302036/-1/-1/1/NLDF3MAY19.PDF?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=navy-commander-relieved-for-treating-his-sailors-like-people) using “concern for subordinates’ well-being” sparked confusion and unease among the crew. “It was bizarre,” said CPO Emily Roberts. “He’d ask us about our feelings and life goals. It’s like he forgot we’re in the Navy. And he made eye contact, which was [truly disturbing](https://www.navytimes.com/news/your-navy/2022/03/17/rare-firing-of-flag-officer-for-sexual-harassment-came-after-unwanted-kissing/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=navy-commander-relieved-for-treating-his-sailors-like-people).” In a statement issued by Vice Adm. Jason Stoneheart, the Navy criticized Johnson for “excessive displays of humanity” and “creating a dangerously respectful work environment.” Stoneheart read, “Cdr. Johnson’s behavior is deeply concerning. His insistence on treating sailors as individuals with thoughts and feelings is contrary to the [time-honored tradition of viewing them as interchangeable cogs in the machine of the Navy](https://www.usni.org/magazines/proceedings/2023/august/take-down-toxic-leadership-good?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=navy-commander-relieved-for-treating-his-sailors-like-people#:~:text=Toxic%20leaders%20are%20those%20who,for%20themselves%20above%20all%20else.).” Pausing, he asked, “How will we ever justify our recruiting budget if we don’t force out the hundreds of thousands of sailors required to open those positions up?” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New Miss America eager to "bomb the shit out of the enemies of America" URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-miss-america-eager-to-bomb-the-shit-out-of-the-enemies-of-america/ Last updated: 2026-02-26T17:47:18.000Z ORLANDO, Fla. — When asked what she planned to do after being crowned Miss America at Disney World on Sunday night, Air Force 2nd Lt. Madison Marsh shouted through a preternaturally wide smile made of glistening lips and ivory white teeth, “I’m going to fly an F-16 and bomb the shit out of the enemies of America, worldwide!” Marsh is a recent Air Force Academy graduate who represented Colorado in the Miss America contest. She’s also one of the few active-duty second lieutenants with a [kick-ass Wikipedia bio](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madison%5FMarsh?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=new-miss-america-eager-to-bomb-the-shit-out-of-the-enemies-of-america). “CEO Robin Fleming proposed a ‘50% RIF’ cage match,” Marsh told an Air Force News reporter regarding rumored concerns from pageant officials about the militarization of beauty contests. “Sgt. Munson liked the idea because she’s trained in [combatives](https://www.duffelblog.com/waffle-house-employees-to-teach-army/). I liked the idea because the referee was a LOAC expert.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### “Da BARS!” Nicolai Russinski’s Superfans predictions for the upcoming 2024 offensive season URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/da-bars-nicolai-russinskis-superfans-24-01-12/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:48.000Z Things are looking up, up, up! **YEKATERINBURG**, Russia—This past Friday, Russians across the nation tuned into a popular show, Nicolai Russinski’s Superfans. Reporters for the Duffel Blog were fortunate enough to be invited to what is fast becoming an annual tradition: Ukraine Offensive Season Predictions. The superfans gathered around a full table of roasted reindeer ribs, solyanka, pelmeni, kholodets, caviar and even blini for desert. The spread was huge and so was the hubris. Nicolai wasn’t coy about his pick for the upcoming offensive season. “Da [BARS](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BARS%5F%28Russia%29?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=da-bars-nicolai-russinski-s-superfans-predictions-for-the-upcoming-2024-offensive-season#:~:text=BARS%20or%20Combat%20Army%20Reserve,reserve%20force%20implemented%20in%202015.)! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Are you trapped in an escape room or just your weekly staff meeting? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/are-you-trapped-in-an-escape-room-24-01-09/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:23.000Z “Let’s just stick a pin in that one to circle back to later.” **ANY BASE**, Anywhere - COVID is over, people are in the office, welcome back to Hell. And now your boss has scheduled everyone for an [escape room](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5886046/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=are-you-trapped-in-an-escape-room-or-just-your-weekly-staff-meeting), doubling down on agony through team building. There are a lot of similarities between staff meetings and escape rooms. Both involve packing people into a confined space because the boss said so. They also showcase the skills of thinkers, doers, overachieving butt-snorkelers, and natural work shirkers alike. Mentally checking out to your happy place is the only way you’ll survive either forced gathering. But how can you tell where you are once you check back in? Duffel Blog understands, and our experts offer these clues to help you figure out in which circle of Hell you’re currently being tormented. **1\. Is the group pursuing a definable goal?** [Clear goals](https://www.duffelblog.com/tiktoking-lieutenant-excited-to-meet-army-chief-of-staff-ahead-of-peers/) are the stuff of escape rooms. The purpose of a staff meeting is to staff, and meet, and generate more planning and tasks which require more meetings for staffing. They are perpetual self-licking ice cream cones, available only in the flavors of futility and exasperation. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Secretary Austin awarded new “sick call Ranger” tab URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/secretary-austin-awarded-new-sick-call-ranger-tab/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:43:04.000Z WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER…SORRY, SAN JUAN, PUERTO…UH NOPE, ZOOM MEETING ID 394297…F\*CK IT, WHO KNOWS—In a private ceremony at an undisclosed location President Biden presented Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin with a new award created especially for him: [the Sick Call Ranger tab](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sick+call+ranger&utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=secretary-austin-awarded-new-sick-call-ranger-tab). “We all know soldiers love their tabs, and this week [Lloyd went so far beyond the standard](https://www.politico.com/news/2024/01/06/pentagon-took-3-days-to-inform-white-houses-nsc-of-austins-hospitalization-00134176?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=secretary-austin-awarded-new-sick-call-ranger-tab) that I felt compelled to create a new honor just for the occasion,” stated Biden. “With a background of crumpled Kleenexes and a border of embroidered gold bricks, the Sick Call Ranger tab will only be awarded to those who demonstrate superlative skill in shamming their duties. Lloyd’s set the bar high as the first recipient of this honor.” Initial reports claimed that Secretary Austin had been hospitalized for a week due to complications following surgery and [just made an “oopsie”](https://www.politico.com/news/2024/01/06/pentagon-took-3-days-to-inform-white-houses-nsc-of-austins-hospitalization-00134176?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=secretary-austin-awarded-new-sick-call-ranger-tab) in not telling anyone else in the executive branch. Yet as each day passed, new details emerged highlighting the elaborate nature of Austin’s scheme. “Frankly, I was a little suspicious when the Secretary came in one morning and handed me a [no-stand LIMDU chit signed by an external provider](https://health.mil/Reference-Center/Glossary-Terms/2022/07/13/Limited-Duty?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=secretary-austin-awarded-new-sick-call-ranger-tab) just before the Army-Navy game,” said Chief of Staff Kelly Magsamen. “It was entirely unnecessary, but I just assumed that after 40 years it was a habit he couldn’t break. We all know there’s [no PT test for the SecDef](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-rejects-disability-claims-if-servicemember-was-not-wearing-pt-belt-when-injured/) but he always makes a big deal about being exempted every year anyway.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### ‘Declaration of military accountability’ written entirely in Comic Sans URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/declaration-of-military-accountability-written-entirely-in-comic-sans/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:08:01.000Z WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what experts are calling a bold move blending bureaucratic bravado with kindergarten chic, over 200 active and retired service members have signed an open letter, titled '[Declaration of Military Accountability](https://x.com/bradmiller1010/status/1741748064883282387?s=46&t=MoDSTCYV65hYnwWCpB4wmA&utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=declaration-of-military-accountability-written-entirely-in-comic-sans),' in the universally beloved font Comic Sans. The letter, which demands accountability from the Department of Defense for enforcing the COVID-19 vaccine mandate on service members, has been described by many as "a visual assault on seriousness," and "the typographical equivalent of a clown car." The mandate led to the vaccination of approximately 98 percent of active-duty [troops and the exit of nearly 8,400 vaccine objectors](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2023/02/28/troops-discharged-after-refusing-covid-vaccine-can-now-rejoin/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=declaration-of-military-accountability-written-entirely-in-comic-sans), but was dropped earlier this year after creating a myriad of controversies. In an exclusive interview with Duffel Blog, conducted as he sipped from a 'Look at Me' mug, Brad Miller, the former Army officer who organized the writing and signing of the letter said, "We wanted to make a statement that couldn't be ignored. What better way than using the font usually reserved for bake sale flyers and lost cat posters?”. Asked for comment, a Department of Defense spokesperson texted both facepalm and eyeroll emojis in response. ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/679181a8-31e3-4c62-a147-d046f92645ac_815x419.png) “Hey hon, I think we got another invite to the kid’s talent show.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### General Nakasone loses sticky note with Cyber command master password URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/general-nakasone-loses-sticky-note-with-cyber-command-master-password/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:22.000Z FORT MEADE, Md. — The physical headquarters for U.S. Cyber Command declared “Cyber Protection Condition 1” last night after Commanding General Paul Nakasone self-reported losing the sticky note with the master password written on it, sources confirm. “CPCON 1” requires personnel to implement the highest possible level of protection for all computers. It is normally only declared when Russia invades a country looking to join NATO, “But this is more important,” Chief of Staff Maj. Gen. Bradley L. Pyburn told a public affairs influencer on a NIPRNET podcast this morning. “The [Senate has finally confirmed](https://www.duffelblog.com/tuberville-insists-on-blocking-nominations-until-someone-can-answer-his-riddles-three/) General Nakasone’s replacement,’” Pyburn told the podcast audience. “Now he must turn in the master password to our CIF clerk so it can be reissued. Losing it is way worse than [losing a canteen](https://www.duffelblog.com/dempsey-central-issue-facility/). Good luck getting his commander-in-chief’s signature if we can’t find that sticky note.” Pyburn told the public affairs influencer, “The boss is pretty old in computer years so he wrote the master password on a sticky note. The guy’s commanded Cyber Command since 2018, which is equivalent to two Defense Distinguished Service Medals.” Before that, Nakasone led Army Cyber Command. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Does he love you or is he just trying to leave the barracks? URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/does-he-love-you-or-is-he-just-trying-23-12-27/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:13.000Z **FORT JOHNSON**, La. — Congratulations! You have fallen in love with a soldier. You admire his service to the country and like how he looks in his dress uniform. Plus, you get to feel famous when he takes you out to dinner at the Chili’s off-post because he always wears his ACU’s and asks for a [military discount](https://www.military.com/discounts?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=does-he-love-you-or-is-he-just-trying-to-leave-the-barracks). Sure, he always makes you split the bill and you have to drive because his car has been in the shop for six months but your love for one another is deep and true. Or is it? Does he really love you? Or is he trying to leave the [black mold-infested hell that is the barracks](https://taskandpurpose.com/military-life/mold-detection-tool/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=does-he-love-you-or-is-he-just-trying-to-leave-the-barracks)? You know your feelings for him are genuine. Every time you see his pock-marked face and jacked-up fade, your heart goes pitter-pat. You get butterflies in your stomach when you smell the Copenhagen long cut wintergreen on his breath. You were ecstatic when he invited you to the regiment holiday party and asked you to bring two of your friends for his buddies. Yet lately, you have been having doubts. Maybe it is the fact that he asked you to marry him after 2 months of dating. Or that he has actually never said “I love you” out loud. Or that all of his credit cards are maxed out from buying a new PS5 but he “forgot” to get you a Christmas present. Your mother’s disapproval doesn’t help either. In fact, she nearly had a heart attack when you called her on the 22nd of December to tell her you weren’t coming home for Christmas because you and “Joe” were having a romantic holiday visit in his hometown of Nowheresville. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New Year's resolutions for the services URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-year-s-resolutions-for-the-services/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:43:02.000Z **PENTAGON**, Arlington, Va. - New Year’s is about gazing to the future with hope— namely, the hope that your friends and family forget about all the dumb shit you did over the last 365 days. America’s armed forces are no exception, so here’s what each of the Services is looking forward to in 2024: **Navy**: Jesus fucking Christ, we’re back to square one with [Fat Leonard](https://www.npr.org/2023/12/20/1220816420/who-is-fat-leonard-and-how-did-he-end-up-as-part-of-the-venezuelan-prisoner-swap?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=new-year-s-resolutions-for-the-services). We thought we were in the clear last year when we assigned our dumbest petty officer to guard him with instructions that the GPS bracelet only needed a “loose fit.” Now we’ve got to find a way to convince the JAG that the “[rusty hull scrape](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rusty+trombone&utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=new-year-s-resolutions-for-the-services)” we stopped for in Singapore was just routine maintenance and not the signature move of a Thai hooker. On the plus side, we might get to kick off the new year by schwacking some pirates. Since we decided to never ever again build any ships, ever, the USS Carney’s been rode hard and put away wet, but come on, the crews gotta be having fun shooting missiles at shit. If we give ‘em the ROE to launch some TLAMs at those fuck-sticks in Yemen, they probably won’t even notice that we’ve extended their deployment another 18 months. **Air Force**: hey, life’s good, brah, you know? [Got the B-21 in the air this year](https://www.reuters.com/business/aerospace-defense/us-air-forces-new-b-21-raider-flying-wing-bomber-takes-first-flight-reuters-2023-11-10/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=new-year-s-resolutions-for-the-services), that baby looks super-sexy just like her predecessor, and even though each one costs more than the combined GDP of sub-Saharan Africa, you can’t put a price on freedom amiright? Oh by the way, we’re gonna need about another one mil per pilot to retain folks to fly it, but gotta spend money to make money, cuz after all, as we all know, the future of aviation is absolutely expensive, exquisite, manned aircraft, no other options, nosiree. Yeah, and we also got our man [Chucky Q](https://www.jcs.mil/Leadership/Article-View/Article/1974872/gen-charles-q-brown-jr/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=new-year-s-resolutions-for-the-services) in as chairman of the Joint Chiefs. NBD. He’s smart, motivated, and unlike the last guy, doesn’t look like he needs to bribe the poor E1 unlucky enough to be administering his annual height/weight. On a completely unrelated note, we’ll also be upgrading the security of our information storage by moving our JWICS data from Discord servers to War Thunder servers. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Study finds 87% of Marine privates could be replaced with Roombas URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/study-finds-87-of-marine-privates-23-12-26/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:20.000Z Honestly? This is overkill. **QUANTICO, VA** — A groundbreaking study conducted by [Marine Corps Systems Command](https://www.marcorsyscom.marines.mil/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=study-finds-87-of-marine-privates-could-be-replaced-with-roombas) has revealed that 87% of Marine privates could potentially be replaced by Roombas, the popular robotic vacuum cleaners. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### USMC plan to 'kill ships from islands' frustrated by Lance Cpl. plan to 'kill shit right here' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/usmc-plan-to-kill-ships-from-islands-23-12-22/ Last updated: 2026-04-30T23:32:28.000Z OKINAWA, Japan - After years of internecine squabbling amongst active and retired general officers, Marine Corps leaders advocating for the revolutionary changes in the plan called [Force Design 2030](https://www.marines.mil/Force-Design/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=usmc-plan-to-kill-ships-from-islands-frustrated-by-lance-cpl-plan-to-kill-sh-t-right-here) emerged victorious. [Opposition to the plan](https://marinecorpscompasspoints.substack.com/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=usmc-plan-to-kill-ships-from-islands-frustrated-by-lance-cpl-plan-to-kill-sh-t-right-here) seemed to fall away once FD2030 champion and current Commandant of the Marine Corps, Gen. Eric Smith was confirmed following the [retirement of creator Gen. David H. Berger](https://www.duffelblog.com/general-berger-joins-fellow-retirees-bashing-fd-2030/). But FD2030 may have finally met an enemy who can do what a legion of retired generals could not. [Senior Lance Cpl.](https://terminallance.com/2017/11/03/terminal-lance-497-senior-lance-corporal/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=usmc-plan-to-kill-ships-from-islands-frustrated-by-lance-cpl-plan-to-kill-sh-t-right-here) Jake Hightower says he is, “\[N\]ot trying to kill some shit I can’t see, I’m’a kill some shit right here.” Predicated on “long-range, unmanned systems that infiltrate the adversary’s weapon engagement zone; dispersed formations of manned and unmanned ships that challenge adversary targeting; and the adoption of disruptive technologies”, FD2030 revolutionizes how the Corps will fight China in the Pacific island chains and is supported by the Secretary of Defense and the [US Congress](https://crsreports.congress.gov/product/pdf/R/R47614?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=usmc-plan-to-kill-ships-from-islands-frustrated-by-lance-cpl-plan-to-kill-sh-t-right-here). Hightower, currently on his second deployment to Camp Hansen, Okinawa as part of the [Unit Deployment Program](https://www.iimef.marines.mil/About/Current-Operations/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=usmc-plan-to-kill-ships-from-islands-frustrated-by-lance-cpl-plan-to-kill-sh-t-right-here), is not sold. “Check it out, fam. Sure, ‘stand-in forces to control maritime terrain, integrate with allies and partners, and play an out-sized role in competition‘ sound good to some old-ass general. But I’m all about beating down a motherfucker with another motherfucker, feel me?”, asked Hightower, an 0311 Infantry Rifleman and Squad Leader with a crippling addiction to Copenhagen and Monster energy drinks. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### E4 Mafia tries to submit ‘alternate slate of evaluators’ for promotion board URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/e4-mafia-tries-to-submit-alternate-slate-of-evaluators-for-promotion-board/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:19.000Z JOINT BASE SAN ANTONIO-RANDOLPH, Texas — Controversy erupted this morning when members of the Junior Enlisted Servicemembers Union, better known as the “[E4 Mafia](https://www.duffelblog.com/e4-mafia-campaign/),” stormed the Air Force Personnel Center to install an “alternate slate of evaluators” that would decide future promotions, sources confirm. A mob of senior airmen on TDY orders rampaged the halls in a quest to unceremoniously retire Brig. Gen. Jefferson O’Donnell, who oversees promotion boards. “A few of them entered our campus saying they wanted to visit our ‘Coffee Bound’ boutique,” the general told a public affairs influencer on a NIPRNET livestream. “They held the doors open for the rest of their gang.” This attempt to overthrow a military promotion board comes on the third anniversary of [The Fall of Congress](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/January%5F6%5FUnited%5FStates%5FCapitol%5Fattack?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=e4-mafia-tries-to-submit-alternate-slate-of-evaluators-for-promotion-board), when a mob of people whose lips move when they read marched on the Capitol to overthrow democracy and [lynch Vice President Mike Pence in support of then-President Donald Trump](https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2021/11/trump-defends-hang-mike-pence-common-sense-january-6-insurrection-riot.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=e4-mafia-tries-to-submit-alternate-slate-of-evaluators-for-promotion-board). Leading the mob was E4 Mafia enforcer and Air Force Senior Airman Butch Hawke. “[We usually don’t give a fuck](https://www.duffelblog.com/e4-mafia-expending-surplus-fucks-before-fy-end/),” he bragged to the public affairs influencer, “but a totally corrupt board in November rewarded 437 assholes out of 506 senior master sergeants selected for promotion. We had to do something, fam.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### First Sergeant still an asshole after visit from ghosts on Christmas eve URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/first-sergeant-still-an-asshole-after-visit-from-ghosts-on-christmas-eve/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:46.000Z **FORT CAVAZOS**, Tx. – First Sergeant [Thomas “Ebenezer” Scrooge](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A%5FChristmas%5FCarol?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=first-sergeant-still-an-asshole-after-visit-from-ghosts-on-christmas-eve) is still a complete asshole despite a Christmas Eve visit by several apparitions who attempted to get him to change his salty ways, soldiers in his unit reported. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hallmark's military holiday movie to feature love story, crippling alcoholism URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hallmark-s-military-holiday-movie-movie-to-feature-love-story-crippling-alcoholism/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:11.000Z **STUDIO CITY**, Ca. — The [Hallmark Movie Channel](https://www.hallmarkchannel.com/christmas?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=hallmark-s-military-holiday-movie-to-feature-love-story-crippling-alcoholism) has announced that its centerpiece holiday movie this year will be a love story between a small-town girl and a US service member with a drinking problem. The film, A Lobster Dinner Christmas, is also set to be Hallmark’s most gritty and realistic portrayal of love within this genre. The story, set in the coastal town of Winter Harbor, Maine, focuses on Jessica “Jessie” Peters, a 10th-generation lobster fisherwoman and Capt. Blake Hampton, a Navy soldier Capt. Hampton is a [hard-working, hard-drinking soldier ](https://www.med.navy.mil/Navy-and-Marine-Corps-Force-Health-Protection-Command/Population-Health/Health-Promotion-and-Wellness/LGuide-Index/Alcohol-and-Drug-Abuse/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=hallmark-s-military-holiday-movie-to-feature-love-story-crippling-alcoholism)who comes to Winter Harbor looking for lobster but ends up finding love. Peters, on the other hand, is the only daughter of a fishing dynasty who wants to bring her family’s lobster business into the 21st century. Both main characters have little time for love and have their own issues to sort out. “We wanted our conflict to be real this time,” said Molly Fraser, the screenwriter for the film. “Usually, the central problem is that a girl lawyer falls in love with Santa Claus or that a lumberjack meets an ad executive and misses killing trees in the forest. Here, we wrote Blake as an alcoholic, and Jessie as kind of a nag because that is more true to life. We make real films here at Hallmark now.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Bipartisanship! Congress funds monument to all the allies it’s screwed over URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/in-rare-bipartisan-moment-congress-funds-monument-to-all-the-allies-it-s-screwed-over/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:19.000Z WASHINGTON — Congress has become a byword for fiscal and [legislative gridlock](https://www.brookings.edu/articles/going-nowhere-a-gridlocked-congress/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=bipartisanship-congress-funds-monument-to-all-the-allies-it-s-screwed-over), but in a recent rare glimmer of bipartisan unity the Senate and House passed a bill in less than two hours—quickly signed into law by President Biden—to fund a new monument on the Washington Mall dedicated to the many allies and partners that the United States has short-changed, waffled on, or otherwise abandoned in living memory. “It’s great to see that those of us doing the people’s work can still find common ground,” stated Senator J.D. Vance, one of the lead co-sponsors of the bill “[Bipartisan Infrastructure Guidance—Foreigners Used for Convenient Killing by Us](https://nationalinterest.org/feature/america%E2%80%99s-foreign-legions-how-we-treat-our-proxies-defines-us-179277?page=0%2C3&ref=duffelblog.com),” or S.2974 BIG FUCK U for short. “The fact that the legislative and executive branches could pass this bill in record time shows that more things bring us together than separate us. In this case, members of both parties agree that if there’s one element of our foreign policy that deserves to be enshrined for decades to come, it’s leaving our allies overseas to take it up the ass when we get bored of the wars we ask them to fight for us.” Representative Pramila Jayapal, who helped write the House’s version of the bill, shared the same sentiment. “I’ve shared many disagreements with my colleagues on the other side of the aisle over the years, be it over Social Security, immigration, or whether Israeli women raped by terrorists [kinda had it coming](https://thehill.com/policy/international/4340811-cnn-bash-jayapal-hamas-violence-rape-women-israel/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=bipartisanship-congress-funds-monument-to-all-the-allies-it-s-screwed-over),” said Jayapal at the signing ceremony. “And when Ukrainian president Zelensky visited just before Christmas, I just assumed we’d be having those arguments all over again. So I was pleasantly surprised when J.D. popped into my office after the new year and pitched giving our allies the BIG FUCK U. It captured the essence of our nation’s activities abroad. Doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, red or brown, Christian, Muslim, or Jew: so long as you’re not an American, someday the U.S. of A.’s gonna send you the Unlubed Dildo of Consequences for trusting us.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Zelensky to congressional leaders: "May you live forever" URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/zelensky-to-congressional-leaders-may-you-live-forever/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:18.000Z ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/85d034b6-84c9-458d-9cd7-50fc363f077d_1292x1284.png) Shining city on a hill anyone? Anyone? “We intend to do just that,” remarked a group of senators and representatives at a press conference at the top of the Capitol steps. “If there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s politicizing things at the cost of our country’s values, general decency, millions of innocent lives abroad, and a stable, prosperous world order in which Russia is diminished by dint of its own savagery so that we can score political points and expand our own power,” said Senator J.D. Vance to the emphatic nods of Senator Tom Cotton and Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. Congressional leaders have refused to budge in negotiations with the Biden administration on delivering more critical aid to Ukraine in its heroic underdog effort against Vladimir Putin’s loathsome, international norm-destroying onslaught, apparently favoring an outcome where the [Russian dictator’s genocidal assault on a sovereign democracy goes unchecked and unpunished](https://www.aljazeera.com/gallery/2023/2/24/photos-russia-ukraine-war-images-capture-a-year-of-war-russia-u?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=zelensky-to-congressional-leaders-may-you-live-forever). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### It's a first! Air Force basic trainee becomes grandad URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/it-s-a-first-air-force-basic-trainee-becomes-grandad/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:10.000Z **LACKLAND AIR FORCE BASE**, Tx. — With recruitment at historic lows, the Air Force is now accepting “rainbows” with crow’s feet, gray hair, and a marriage certificate old enough to enlist. Boot camp has become a place where even grandparents can join the men & women who defend our country. Basic Trainee John Alten, age 42, is learning to be an Airman at the 321st Training Squadron. “The other guys in my flight call me ‘Gramps’ because one of my daughters gave birth a week after I arrived,” he said. Alten is the first basic trainee to turn grandparent thanks to the Air Force’s [age limit increase](https://www.airforcetimes.com/news/your-air-force/2023/10/30/air-force-space-force-raise-max-enlistment-age-to-42?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=it-s-a-first-air-force-basic-trainee-becomes-grandad) after it missed FY23 recruiting goals. “I’m exactly as old as Chris Evans,” he said. “We both were born on June 13– *er*, 13 June 1981\. If he can be a movie captain soldier, then I can be a slick sleeve airman.” Although he is the first Air Force basic trainee to welcome a grandchild, Alten insists he’s not unique. “My recruiter told me lots of [34-year-old grandparents from Mississippi](https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/teen-pregnancy-rates-by-state?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=it-s-a-first-air-force-basic-trainee-becomes-grandad) enlist in the Army,” he said. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### The 12 days of extra duty URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/the-12-days-of-extra-duty/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:43:02.000Z **FT. MOORE**, Ga. — Duffel Blog obtained the following excerpt from a leaked IG complaint which was authenticated by an anonymous representative of the E4 Mafia. On the first day of extra duty, my squad leader gave to me - an [ass-chewing for all to see.](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffle-blogs-military-transition/) On the second day of extra duty, my squad leader gave to me: Two [smoke sessions](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-weed-out-extremists-by/) and an ass-chewing for all to see. On the third day of extra duty, my squad leader gave to me: Three [police calls](https://www.duffelblog.com/space-marine-oh-think-job-cool-try-police-calling-zero-gravity-2/), Two smoke sessions, and an ass-chewing for all to see. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Douglas Macgregor insists Satan has “perfectly defensible reasons” in war for human souls URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/douglas-macgregor-insists-satan-has-perfectly-defensible-reasons-in-war-for-human-souls/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:46.000Z Ukrainian soldiers realizing how miguided they were. **ARLINGTON**, Va. - [Retired U.S. Army Col. Douglas Macgregor](https://www.douglasmacgregor.com/about?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=douglas-macgregor-insists-satan-has-perfectly-defensible-reasons-in-war-for-human-souls) insisted in an [interview](https://fb.watch/p5FVlM8dS1/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=douglas-macgregor-insists-satan-has-perfectly-defensible-reasons-in-war-for-human-souls) with commentator [Tucker Carlson on X (formerly Twitter)](https://twitter.com/NikkiMcR/status/1199135926955466753?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=douglas-macgregor-insists-satan-has-perfectly-defensible-reasons-in-war-for-human-souls) that Satan has “perfectly defensible reasons” for waging what Macgregor characterized as “the eternal battle for human souls”. The former senior adviser to the (acting) Secretary of Defense made clear that although he \[The Prince of Darkness\] had something of a checkered past, what with sentencing humans to eternal hellfire for their misdeeds, Satan had his reasons. “I don’t think I can exaggerate when I say Lucifer was baited into this whole thing. He’s been wronged and unfairly treated by the supreme being who promised that he was the superior being, only to be repeatedly betrayed in having that very same being make mankind—however imperfect—the chosen people. Something has got to give. [Satan is only acting in self-defense.](https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/douglas-macgregor-fox-news-tucker-carlson-russia-ukraine-1318143/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=douglas-macgregor-insists-satan-has-perfectly-defensible-reasons-in-war-for-human-souls)” When pressed about Satan’s misdeeds and repeated use of deceit, manipulation, and temptation in the ongoing eternal struggle, Macgregor demurred. “[We have forced his hand. Besides this war is nearly finished, if not over already. Humanity cannot hope to survive Satan’s temptations](https://fb.watch/p5FVlM8dS1/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=douglas-macgregor-insists-satan-has-perfectly-defensible-reasons-in-war-for-human-souls).” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Turn your access to classified information into a side hustle with these five steps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/turn-your-access-to-classified-information-into-a-side-hustle-with-these-five-steps/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:16.000Z **FT. MEADE**, Md. - So, you’ve finally made it - you convinced the government that you never used drugs and [got yourself a security clearance](https://www.clearancejobs.com/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=turn-your-access-to-classified-information-into-a-side-hustle-with-these-five-steps). What’s more, your unit’s information management and risk mitigation can’t keep up with the rate of O-3 and O-4 slide-making, and you’ve got access to information that barely anyone should have! How can you make the most of this dangerously misplaced trust while it lasts? Duffel Blog’s experts weigh in on five steps to serve yourself up a successful side gig! **Flaunt it if you’ve got it** The world needs to know that you’re in the know. You can tell them subtly or not so subtly - we recommend both, with a heavy emphasis on the latter - but bottom line: make sure you get the word out! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Vet walks around PX avoiding life; reminiscing about walking around the PX avoiding work URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/vet-walks-around-px-avoiding-life-while-reminiscing-time-he-used-to-walk-around-the-px-avoiding-work/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:09.000Z **MASSACHUSETTS** – 29-year-old Air Force veteran Jerry Aldrich was seen wandering aimlessly in the Hanscom Air Force Base Exchange today, reliving treasured moments from his time in service, when he spent days wandering aimlessly in the Exchange (PX) on Hanscom Air Force Base. Many service members visit the Exchange for [tax-free purchases, decent prices on alcohol, and people-watching dependents who ask if there is a separate line for wives of E-7s](https://www.militaryonesource.mil/recreation-travel-shopping/commissary-exchange/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=vet-walks-around-px-avoiding-life-reminiscing-about-walking-around-the-px-avoiding-work#:~:text=Use%20the%20benefits%20you%20have,military%20kids%2C%20sweepstakes%20and%20more.). But Aldrich spends his free time avoiding his bleak civilian reality by walking up and down the electronics aisles and staring at the flannel and carpenter boots on sale at the PX. It reminds him of his enlisted glory days; days spent doing the same thing to avoid his Tech Sergeant at all costs. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Navy football’s jerseys exclude SEALs in favor of the silent service URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-football-s-jerseys-exclude-seals-in-favor-of-the-silent-service/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T17:26:00.000Z ANNAPOLIS, Md. – Breaking with a long tradition of [ignoring](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-navy-football-uniforms-honor/) hundreds of years of proud history of two of the military’s branches, the United States Naval Academy football team has elected to [honor those who serve underwater in the submarine force](https://navysports.com/news/2023/11/20/navy-athletics-and-under-armour-unveils-2023-army-navy-football-game-uniform.aspx?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=navy-football-s-jerseys-exclude-seals-in-favor-of-the-silent-service) \- known in the Navy as ‘the Silent Service,’ or ‘[not Navy SEALs](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-seal-the-best-way-to-tell-people-youre-a-navy-seal-is-to-tell-them/)’ - with their uniforms in this year’s Army-Navy football game. “Yes, we have nearly a quarter of a millennium of examples of inspiring valor, toughness, dedication, and sacrifice from two of the five branches of the military, and this year we decided to finally start honoring that. What better place to start than submarines - an element of our force that is clandestine, professional, and keeps a low profile,” said acting Naval Academy Superintendent Rear Admiral Fred Kacher, who added, “We were going to use the [SEALs](https://www.duffelblog.com/pointcounterpoint-navy-seals/) but…well, come on, you know the deal there.” SEALs at book signings, podcast recordings, and “Alpha Dawg Range Days” across the country expressed dismay that Navy Football was passing up another opportunity to pay homage to their elite unit’s primary legacy: the many, many, many [writings of past and present Navy SEALs](https://www.amazon.com/best-navy-seal-books/s?k=best+navy+seal+books&utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=navy-football-s-jerseys-exclude-seals-in-favor-of-the-silent-service). *Duffel Blog* received a leaked image of a SEAL writing-inspired uniform prototype after the decision was made. Titles on the jersey include fan-favorites such as *Silence is Deadly: How to Monetize the Privilege of Serving in America's Most-loved Legion of Warriors* and *It Isn’t a War Crime if No One Knows About It*. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### US vows evacuation of citizens from Gaza will be as flawless as Afghan evacuation URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/us-vows-evacuation-of-citizens-from-gaza-will-be-as-flawless-as-afghan-evacuation/ Last updated: 2025-09-03T00:09:12.000Z WASHINGTON — Senior officials from the Departments of State and Defense, speaking simultaneously but separately, and without any awareness whatsoever of what the other was doing, today assured the world that the future evacuation of any US citizens remaining in the Gaza Strip would go “[at least as well as it did in Afghanistan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PARcvT3kjM&ref=duffelblog.com)”. “We’re pretty sure there’s a thorough, pressure-tested mission analysis ready to go over at the Pentagon, we stand ready to support as they require,” [State officials said. At the same time, across the Potomac River and but one phone call or email away, Pentagon officials confirmed](https://apps.dtic.mil/sti/citations/ADA351032?ref=duffelblog.com), “State has this and they’ve thought through everything; we’ll follow their lead.” Asked about the level of risk to servicemembers should they have to secure citizens in a chaotic combat zone, Defense leaders assured the public that “[there’s a Foreign Service guy on top of this](https://abcnews.go.com/International/army-marine-generals-afghanistan-evacuation-ive/story?id=79627739&ref=duffelblog.com),” while State officials responded to questions on how many citizens would likely need to be evacuated saying, “[We think the Joint Staff J2 has that figure](https://www.state.gov/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/State-AAR-AFG.pdf?ref=duffelblog.com).” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Nine line apparel rolls out home furnishing collection URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/nine-line-apparel-rolls-out-home-furnishing-collection/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:45.000Z ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/e7d337dd-ef8d-4a7d-aaee-293cf1516c7f_1292x728.png) Tasteful. Understated. Also, fuck your feelings. **AUGUSTA**, Ga. - Edgy patriotic and veteran-themed t-shirt producer [Nine Line Apparel](https://www.ninelineapparel.com/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=nine-line-apparel-rolls-out-home-furnishing-collection) announced today that the company is entering the home furnishing market with a line of “veteran-inspired, bro-tastic, outrageously patriotic” couches, throws, and other home decor, according to a press release. Nine Line’s Home Collection features items to help customers outfit their homes as patriotically as they outfit their bodies. “Their Star-Spangled sofas, blankets, and throw rugs allow customers to show pride in their flag by making it centerpiece in a living room they can fill with their flatulence, footprints, and Cheeto dust,” says Divan Alfombra, an expert at the Home Design Institute. ‘Team Room’ themed items come in Multicam with webbing and hook-and-pile tape. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army football player has no idea he'll eventually be relieved from command URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-football-player-has-no-idea-he-ll-eventually-be-relieved-from-command/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:58:18.000Z WEST POINT, New York - A West Point cadet and football player on the Black Knights football team, currently prepping for today’s annual Army vs. Navy game, is blissfully unaware that he will be eventually relieved from command for t[he same behaviors currently ignored as a result of his playmaking abilities](https://www.si.com/college/2020/12/30/west-point-cheating-scandal-army-football?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=army-football-player-has-no-idea-he-ll-eventually-be-relieved-from-command). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### 38-year-old soldier uses GI bill to go to Hogwarts URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/38-year-old-soldier-uses-gi-bill-to-go-to-hogwarts/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:56:19.000Z **HOGSMEADE**, UK — In an unprecedented move raising eyebrows across the wizarding world and the world of veteran benefits, medically retired Spc. Michael “Magic” Eastwood, a 38-year-old Army veteran, has enrolled at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry using his [Post-9/11 GI Bill](https://www.va.gov/education/about-gi-bill-benefits/post-9-11/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=38-year-old-soldier-uses-gi-bill-to-go-to-hogwarts) as a part of a new veteran’s program there. Eastwood, who has no inherent magical ability, has become an unlikely figure at the school, known for skipping classes, selling cigarettes to sixth and seventh years, and showing up to the few classes he attends reeking of Butter Beer. “It’s like [Billy Madison](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwj5rcuxuPaCAxVGmGoFHfL1CoQQFnoECDoQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.imdb.com%2Ftitle%2Ftt0112508%2F&usg=AOvVaw3iYScO2Q9mU9rNi6sMYT9g&opi=89978449&utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=38-year-old-soldier-uses-gi-bill-to-go-to-hogwarts) went to wizard school, only with more facial hair and a more pronounced drinking problem,” commented Mr. Arthur Weasley, a man familiar with muggle entertainment. Eastwood, who served three tours in Afghanistan, plans to major in Defense Against the Dark Arts. “After facing Taliban insurgents, I figured a few dark wizards shouldn’t be too tough,” he said, staring into the distance while polishing his new wand, a sturdy 12-inch oak with a core of phoenix feather. “Plus, I’ve always been good at land navigation, so finding my way around the Forbidden Forest for field exercises should be a breeze. [I’m not a lieutenant, after all](https://mwi.westpoint.edu/13-tips-new-lieutenants-socom-commander/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=38-year-old-soldier-uses-gi-bill-to-go-to-hogwarts).” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Gen Z turns against Osama Bin Laden after discovering problematic tweets URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/gen-z-turns-against-osama-bin-laden-after-discovering-problematic-tweets/ Last updated: 2026-03-09T22:24:50.000Z **NEW YORK**, N.Y. – Last week, TikTok users flooded the app, first praising and then denouncing Osama Bin Laden, the architect of the 9/11 attacks on America. The eventual online outrage, predominantly from members of Gen Z, had little to do with terrorism and instead centered on insensitive, problematic [tweets](https://english.alarabiya.net/articles/2011%2F05%2F02%2F147536?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=gen-z-turns-against-osama-bin-laden-after-discovering-problematic-tweets). Bin Laden first leaped back into the news cycle last week when multiple TikTok users posted clips discussing Bin Laden’s “[Letter to America](https://www.vox.com/politics/23966248/tiktok-osama-bin-laden-letter-to-america-the-guardian?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=gen-z-turns-against-osama-bin-laden-after-discovering-problematic-tweets),” a document authored by the terrorist leader in an attempt to justify the September 11, 2001 attacks on America for which he is best known. According to insiders, screenshots of old Bin Laden tweets started appearing online on the evening of November 17, 2023\. The reposted tweets were mainly run-of-the-mill “Death to America” messages and declarations of various Jihads. But a tweet stating “Fat chicks are not halal #Blech” immediately set off a firestorm only made worse by several that followed, including one stating “Mermaids should be white! #GoWokeGoBroke,” which was surprising considering Bin Laden died twelve years before the Little Mermaid remake. “I read his Letters to America and I was like, why are we teaching US school kids about George Washington and not having them read this letter,” said online influencer BarryBongs6969\. “But that was when I assumed his punctuation meant he was an ally to the [body-positive community](https://www.forbes.com/sites/jenniferpalumbo/2022/05/12/how-the-body-positive-movement-doesnt-encourage-obesity-but-inclusion/?sh=735209b21737&utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=gen-z-turns-against-osama-bin-laden-after-discovering-problematic-tweets).” BarryBongs6969’s reaction mirrors the rapidly shifting tides of Gen Z online opinion, which initially seemed very much in Bin Laden’s favor. However, as users began looking through tweets from the former head of Al Qaeda's verified account, many did not like what they found. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Army authorizes women to grow beards URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/army-authorizes-women-to-grow-beards/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T23:27:18.000Z **WASHINGTON**, D.C. — [Michael R. Weimer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael%5FR.%5FWeimer?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=army-authorizes-women-to-grow-beards) entered his position as the Sergeant Major of the Army only a few months ago but has already initiated sweeping changes. The first domino fell when women were finally allowed to wear ponytails. The second fell more recently when women were empowered to no longer wear pantyhose or shave their legs in the field. Now, female servicemembers across the Army are rejoicing at the release of updated grooming standards allowing women to grow beards. Weimer announced early on that he would introduce a new “[blue book](https://www.military.com/daily-news/2023/10/11/armys-new-enlisted-leader-all-about-discipline-he-wants-app-every-soldiers-pocket.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=army-authorizes-women-to-grow-beards)” of military standards, rumored to force male soldiers to only urinate in the seated position so that “we save money by no longer installing urinals in our government buildings.” Women soldiers are lauding Weimer’s efforts, though less so the increased “seat up/seat down” issues. Gathered outside of post-exchanges to celebrate the results of years of lobbying to get literally a single standard that was to their benefit, women soldiers offered their thoughts. “I’m pretty stoked to grow out a sick beard to match my killer mullet,” one private said under the condition of anonymity. “I’ll do it just to make the boys jealous.” Capt. Amy Thorssen said, “You know, it’s about time we get something before the men do. I can’t even grow a beard, but you know what? I’m going to buy one on Amazon and wear that sucker on my face every day like a [She-Ra-Xena-Warrior-Princess-Viking](https://www.sciencenordic.com/archaeology-denmark-history/what-vikings-really-looked-like/1374457?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=army-authorizes-women-to-grow-beards)!” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Commandant to resume duties after ground-fighting Satan, inspecting Heaven's Marines URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/commandant-resumes-duties-after-ground-fighting-satan-inspecting-heaven/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:14.000Z The Commandant of the Marine Corps prepares to shoulder-throw Satan **MARINE BARRACKS, 8th and I Streets**, Washington DC – America breathed a sigh of relief following the announcement that General Eric Smith, 39th Commandant of the Marine Corps, would be [resuming duties as the head of his service](https://www.marinecorpstimes.com/news/your-marine-corps/2023/11/09/top-marine-recovering-from-cardiac-arrest-plans-to-return-to-work/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=commandant-to-resume-duties-after-ground-fighting-satan-inspecting-heaven-s-marines). “I am deeply grateful to the medical professionals who saved my life and accelerated my recovery, as well as to the outpouring of support my family received following my little heart hiccup,” said Smith during a brief public appearance. “But as a Marine, I know that the mission comes first, so I’m back and ready to join my Marines in defending this great nation against enemies foreign, domestic, or with [choad nicknames like, say…Coach](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/nov/07/tommy-tuberville-trump-military-holds?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=commandant-to-resume-duties-after-ground-fighting-satan-inspecting-heaven-s-marines).” General Smith confessed that the break had its benefits. “To be honest, spending days in a near-death state, while my spirit strayed out of thought and time, was really relaxing compared to the unique [opportunity granted me by some in Congress to work multiple 4-star jobs simultaneously](https://www.thedailybeast.com/marines-leader-spoke-of-unsustainable-workload-before-heart-attack?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=commandant-to-resume-duties-after-ground-fighting-satan-inspecting-heaven-s-marines).” Smith continued. “I went TAD to heaven, hell, and spaces in between, making sure demons and angels all had their shit in one sock regardless of billet responsibilities.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Tommy Tuberville applies for VA benefits URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/tommy-tuberville-applies-for-va-benefits-23-11-13/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:13.000Z ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/a28b68c3-d48d-4226-8fee-4ca0489777b0_473x385.png) VA: “Douche” is not a compensable condition _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Automated VA voicemail just long enough to tie the rope, study finds URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/automated-va-voicemail-just-long-enough-to-tie-the-rope-study-finds/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:36:22.000Z WASHINGTON, D.C.— A recent study commissioned by an independent oversight committee found that veterans attempting to reach the Department of Veterans Affairs healthcare line are more likely to have time to tie a noose than to [speak with a live representative](https://www.veteranslawblog.org/va-gov-phone-number/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=automated-va-voicemail-just-long-enough-to-tie-the-rope-study-finds). The findings, published in a report titled "A Hang-Up on Customer Service," cast a grim shadow on the VA's commitment to accessible healthcare. “This is a disturbing testament to the VA's proficiency in inefficiency,” said lead researcher Dr. Felix Taylor. “Our findings are quite clear: it's quicker to reach the end of your rope than the end of the line at the VA.” According to the study, [the average veteran caller spends approximately four minutes navigating through a labyrinth of automated prompts before the call is abruptly dropped](https://veteran.com/va-gov-phone-tips/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=automated-va-voicemail-just-long-enough-to-tie-the-rope-study-finds), which by every account is enough time for military veterans to fasten a rope to a load-bearing beam and put their neck through the loophole. [VA Secretary Denis McDonough](https://www.va.gov/opa/bios/secva.asp?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=automated-va-voicemail-just-long-enough-to-tie-the-rope-study-finds), upon being briefed about the findings, reportedly took a deep sigh, glanced at the coils of phone cords in his office, and said, “At least we’re number one in something.” Following the public’s outcry over the findings of the report, the VA hastily introduced a new “express” option for callers this week, which would allegedly route them to an operator after just a two-minute wait. Veterans’ groups have criticized this move as “merely a shorter path to the same dead end,” with some sarcastically suggesting that this new, faster option provides insufficient time for even the simplest of knots. "The VA's new motto might as well be 'We put the 'die' in 'dial tone'," joked a frustrated former soldier. “You could almost say that the VA's phone line is a metaphor for our post-service days: a lot of loops to jump through before a sudden, unexpected drop.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Woman worried if conflict continues, she will have to learn new country names URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/woman-worried-if-conflict-continues-she-will-have-to-learn-new-country-names/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:13.000Z Johanna Nielson at the airport sending another of her servicemember children to Niger. Maybe Nigeria. Definitely somewhere near Japan. BIWABIK, MN,— Johanna Nielson considers herself up to date on current events. The 54-year-old Minnesotan has good reason to be. She is a high school social studies teacher and has seven children, five of whom serve in the US military. She worries about what conflict will mean for her family. [Still, she is getting fed up with learning the names of countries she never knew existed](https://www.newstribune.com/news/2012/oct/16/why-many-americans-are-simply-clueless-about-globa/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=woman-worried-if-conflict-continues-she-will-have-to-learn-new-country-names). “When I was a girl, it was ‘Russia this, Soviet Union that’” said a beleaguered Nielson, while assembling a [potato chip, green pea, and mayo casserole](https://www.supercook.com/recipes/en/peas-and-potato-chips-recipes/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=woman-worried-if-conflict-continues-she-will-have-to-learn-new-country-names) for her church potluck. “But now you are telling me that the Ukraine hasn’t been in Russia this whole time?” Nielson’s oldest son, Anders, joined the Navy and his second duty station was Diego Garcia. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Tuberville insists on blocking nominations until someone can answer his riddles three URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/tuberville-insists-on-blocking-nominations-until-someone-can-answer-his-riddles-three/ Last updated: 2026-02-21T00:55:04.000Z **WASHINGTON, D.C.** — Despite media coverage to the contrary, Congressional sources say Senator Tommy “Coach” Tuberville of Alabama continues to stick to his metaphorical guns by holding up the promotions of military personnel. Even members of his party are stymied by his obstinance on the matter, causing members of the Senate to note his lack of military experience and even question his fitness as a Senator. But why has Tuberville [held up key nominations for months and made a notoriously inefficient bureaucracy even more so](https://www.cnn.com/2023/11/30/politics/tommy-tuberville-military-nominees/index.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=tuberville-insists-on-blocking-nominations-until-someone-can-answer-his-riddles-three)? Asked just that, Tuberville donned a jester’s cap and performed a short jig before asking, “Who art ye, doth come to me? If you wish to confirm a he or a she then answer me these riddles three!”. The puzzling exchange is not Tuberville’s first in the halls of Congress. “So, I said, “Tommy, I saw in the news that you’re finally going to ‘play ball’ with these confirmations,” recalled Marine Corps veteran and [Alaska Senator Dan Sullivan](https://www.sullivan.senate.gov/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=tuberville-insists-on-blocking-nominations-until-someone-can-answer-his-riddles-three) while laughing at his own painful dad joke. “Then he just says ‘What has skin but no bones? What has stitches but is not cut? What is short but goes long?’ Then I remembered he coached Auburn, and knew he was talking about a football.” “It’s pretty much always about football somehow,” said Joselyn Piedmont, one of Tuberville’s interns, looking exhausted. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD asks Israel, Hamas to move Intifada to pacific URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-asks-israel-hamas-to-move-intifada-to-pacific/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:42.000Z ARLINGTON, Va. – Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has reportedly asked [Hamas military chief Muhammad Deif](https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/how-secretive-hamas-commander-masterminded-attack-israel-2023-10-10/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=dod-asks-israel-hamas-to-move-intifada-to-pacific) and [Israeli Defense Minister Yoav Gallant](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoav%5FGallant?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=dod-asks-israel-hamas-to-move-intifada-to-pacific) if it would be possible to move the Third Intifada from southern Israel to a location within Indo-Pacific Command, Duffel Blog has learned. “I understand the logistical difficulties that any relocation would create,” said Austin according to a transcript of one of the calls. “However, our [rebalancing of forces and growing recruiting limitations mean it is no longer feasible to give CENTCOM the attention we have given it for the previous several decades](https://www.pacom.mil/Media/News/News-Article-View/Article/586417/rebalance-to-the-asia-pacific-the-four-biggest-construction-projects-since-the/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=dod-asks-israel-hamas-to-move-intifada-to-pacific). It would be far more convenient to us if all belligerents involved in the Third Intifada could agree to move hostilities to a new warzone somewhere in INDOPACOM. We have identified several locations with all the prerequisites for a supportable Intifada. For example, Australia's Northern Territory includes a mixture of inhospitable deserts and pockets of defenseless noncombatants that all parties to this conflict would find comfortably familiar.” Shortly after learning of Austin's calls, Australian Defense Minister Richard Marles responded with unqualified opposition. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Judge gives Coast Guard member choice between jail or joining the military URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/judge-gives-coast-guard-member-choice-between-jail-or-joining-the-military/ Last updated: 2026-09-23T19:35:58.000Z NEW YORK, N.Y. - A New York judge this week gave a Coast Guard member convicted of drunk driving a difficult choice: go to jail or join the military. Judge Ana Johnson handed down a 6-month sentence suspended for two years to Karl Carmichael for drunk driving, a Class A misdemeanor. If the 22-year-old were to enlist in the real military in the next month, however, Johnson would overturn any jail time. Judges have long ordered people to “[join the military or go to jail](https://taskandpurpose.com/military-life/join-the-military-or-go-to-jail/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=judge-gives-coast-guard-member-choice-between-jail-or-joining-the-military)” for committing minor offenses, the logic being martial discipline and service will better set a person straight over the long term than prison. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marine scientists discover water also makes the grass grow URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-scientists-discover-water-also-makes-the-grass-grow/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:11.000Z USMC Martial Arts Instructor Cpl. Andy Slavin unveils a plant grown with water, not blood! **CAMP LEJEUNE**, N.C. — In a shocking discovery sure to revolutionize lawn care across the Corps, Marine scientists have announced that water – in addition to making the oceans and rivers of the world wet – [also makes grass grow](https://www.wearethemighty.com/popular/blood-really-does-make-the-green-grass-grow/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=marine-scientists-discover-water-also-makes-the-grass-grow). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### New 'Call of Duty: VA Edition' immerses gamers in struggle to attain 100% disability URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/new-call-of-duty-va-edition-immerses-gamers-in-struggle-to-attain-100-disability/ Last updated: 2026-05-07T15:23:50.000Z WOODLAND HILLS, Ca. - In its latest attempt to bring the most realistic military experience to the “[Call of Duty](https://www.forbes.com/sites/paultassi/2023/11/03/call-of-duty-modern-warfare-3-campaign-disappoints-at-just-3-4-hours-long/?sh=5690bc286cf1&utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=new-call-of-duty-va-edition-immerses-gamers-in-struggle-to-attain-100-disability)” franchise, lead studio Infinity Ward has announced the release of its newest installment, *Call of Duty: Veterans Affairs Edition*. The latest edition of what many consider the greatest video game franchise of all time will challenge players not with the usual multiplayer game modes, but with relentless battles against [bureaucratic red tape, mishandled paperwork, and the “constant internal battle of just wanting to end it all](https://www.whytheveteransaffairssucks.com/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=new-call-of-duty-va-edition-immerses-gamers-in-struggle-to-attain-100-disability).” Game designer Todd Lexington hailed it as “a breakthrough in the military immersion experience.” “We felt it was important to highlight the real post-combat struggles our military veterans face,” said Lexington. “In COD: VA, players can experience the adrenaline rush of waiting [sixteen weeks for a routine doctor’s appointment](https://mobile.va.gov/app/va-online-scheduling?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=new-call-of-duty-va-edition-immerses-gamers-in-struggle-to-attain-100-disability#:~:text=VA%20staff%20should%20respond%20within,or%20outpatient%20mental%20health%20appointments.), the meticulous challenge of deciphering VA jargon, and the nail-biting suspense of hoping to God their [life-saving mail-order medications](https://www.va.gov/health-care/refill-track-prescriptions/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=new-call-of-duty-va-edition-immerses-gamers-in-struggle-to-attain-100-disability) are not in any way delayed.” According to Lexington, players must also grapple with surprise obstacles, including lost paperwork, unscheduled office closures, and a final boss who Lexington says is referred to internally as “The Big Green Weenie.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus…While daddy was deployed URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/i-saw-mommy-kissing-santa-claus-while-daddy-was-deployed/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:41.000Z Merry Christmas, Mom! Sorry Santa came early this year. That never happened before. *The following story was submitted by a precocious nine-year-old living in a military community outside Fort Liberty, N.C.* SPRING LAKE, N.C. — Look. I know I’m a kid, but I’m not naive. I know the “big secret”: Santa Claus isn’t real. Just like the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and those ‘great business opportunities’ Uncle Jody is always trying to sell us. But then again, I know what I saw last night. I was conducting a recon of a suspected cache of presents when I heard voices in the living room. I immediately went into stealth mode and made a silent approach. As I crept up to the edge of the stairs and peered into the living room, [I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus](https://www.militaryjusticecenter.com/blog/2022/03/does-the-united-states-military-still-enforce-its-adultery-laws/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=i-saw-mommy-kissing-santa-claus-while-daddy-was-deployed). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Israeli, Palestinian officials commit to ensuring kids grow up hating one another URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/israeli-and-palestinian-officials-jointly-commit-to-ensure-children-grow-up-hating-one-another/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:09.000Z Israeli? Palestinian? Who cares as long as the power and money keep flowing? ISRAEL and THE GAZA STRIP — Senior [Israeli and Palestinian](https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-utter-hopelessness-of-the-israeli-palestinian-crisis?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=israeli-palestinian-officials-commit-to-ensuring-kids-grow-up-hating-one-another) officials today released a joint statement affirming their unified commitment to making all of the children of Israel and Palestine — "and their children's children, and really their children's children’s children, if we're being honest" — absolutely and irrevocably loathe one another for the rest of time. "We care deeply about our children," the statement reads, "and we are steadfastly committed to ensuring they have a [rich future of reaping what we, like many before us, sow in the name of age-old feuds over word-of-mouth stories people wrote down thousands of years ago](https://www.france24.com/en/middle-east/20230330-palestinian-territories-situation-is-completely-hopeless-if-you-re-a-young-palestinian?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=israeli-palestinian-officials-commit-to-ensuring-kids-grow-up-hating-one-another) and have been taking literally ever since." Reached for comment, both Israeli and Palestinian officials agreed that “it has been inspiring and humbling to work together with our subhuman, godless colleagues from the other side to ensure a future of deep, undying enmity between our peoples as they grow up navigating unfathomable hardship and cruelty at the hands of faceless powers they could never hope to influence.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Zombies who devoured Camp Lejeune personnel may be entitled to compensation URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/zombies-who-devoured-camp-lejeune-personnel-may-be-entitled-to-compensation/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:08.000Z JACKSONVILLE, NC – Military legal experts and shaman representatives of the living dead have started a campaign to build awareness that [zombies suffering from the effects of devouring Camp Lejeune personnel may be entitled to financial compensation.](https://www.va.gov/disability/eligibility/hazardous-materials-exposure/camp-lejeune-water-contamination/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=zombies-who-devoured-camp-lejeune-personnel-may-be-entitled-to-compensation) The government has acknowledged that for decades thousands of military personnel and dependents were exposed to contaminated water that caused a myriad of health problems,[ including cancer and Parkinson’s Disease](https://spectrumlocalnews.com/nc/charlotte/news/2022/08/10/pact-act-brings-long-awaited-justice-for-lejeune-victims?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=zombies-who-devoured-camp-lejeune-personnel-may-be-entitled-to-compensation). And while the [PACT Act, signed into law in 2022, does make provision for those exposed to the toxic waters of Camp Lejeune](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwi6tq65sJeCAxVLnGoFHWvDDwMQFnoECA0QAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.duffelblog.com%2Fp%2Faggressive-jon-stewart-harassing-veterans-about-pact-act-benefits&usg=AOvVaw3rqIKReVfSpOSdEsWFp2er&opi=89978449&utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=zombies-who-devoured-camp-lejeune-personnel-may-be-entitled-to-compensation), many feel that those who feast upon the living have been overlooked. Milo Thomas, a Marine who became a [zombie](https://www.dea.gov/factsheets/bath-salts?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=zombies-who-devoured-camp-lejeune-personnel-may-be-entitled-to-compensation) in 1979 after participating in a Satanic ritual involving tap water from the base, is one such victim. Since most of Thomas’s vocabulary is restricted to moaning “brains” over and over, his case has been taken up by local lawyers and priests of the occult who, fortunately, were often the same people. “By the mid-1990s, Milo could barely eat any brains, he was so ill,” said Dan Feral, a lawyer who represents Thomas and is also a practicing witch doctor. “He’ll half-heartedly crack open a skull and then leave it to waste. His rotting intestines are always tied in knots.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Russia sends observers to Gaza to provide war crime advice URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/russia-sends-observers-to-gaza-to-provide-war-crime-advice/ Last updated: 2025-12-04T17:40:30.000Z AL-AHLI BAPTIST HOSPITAL, Gaza City – As fighting between Israel and Hamas enters its third week, long-time human rights defender Vladimir Putin is deploying Russian advisors to southern Israel and the Gaza Strip to provide vital assistance to its anti-imperialist brethren in Hamas. “We sincerely hope that this conflict does not become protracted,” Putin said in announcing the deployment, “mostly because we really need Iran to keep its eye on the ball and sell us all its drones so we can continue liberating [hospitals ](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-65720853?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=russia-sends-observers-to-gaza-to-provide-war-crime-advice)and [restaurants ](https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2023/06/28/kramatorsk-restaurant-missile-strike-ukraine/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=russia-sends-observers-to-gaza-to-provide-war-crime-advice)in Ukraine. There’s a wrong way and a right way to violate international norms, and while we fully admire the enthusiasm of our friends in Hamas, our highly-experienced advisors will provide some pointers on how to really maximize the suffering of all parties involved.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Opinion: On Veterans Day, I thank hostile nations for my retirement pay URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-on-veterans-day-i-thank-hostile-nations-for-my-retirement-pay/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:08:15.000Z AMERICA — As a veteran of military service to this great nation, [I get my share of love](https://www.military.com/veterans-day/veterans-day-military-discounts.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=opinion-on-veterans-day-i-thank-hostile-nations-for-my-retirement-pay). I mean, sure I could always use a little more. Maybe a lot more. Is ten percent off *really* that much at Home Depot? Maybe a once a once-a-month free Chicken Parm is a little more in keeping with all I did to keep the Kandahar DFAC safe from fake IDs there, Olive Garden? But let’s not make this about me, at least not till I’ve had a sixer of Keystone Ice. Let’s talk about the real MVPs. Do you know [who gets left out of the equation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military%5Fhistory%5Fof%5Fthe%5FUnited%5FStates?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=opinion-on-veterans-day-i-thank-hostile-nations-for-my-retirement-pay) when America starts passing around “Thank you for your services” on November 11th? Al Qaeda. The Taliban. ISIS. Imperial Japan. The Nazis. North Korea. Vietnam. Wagner Group. Hezbollah. Iran. Boko Haram and the MILF (all kinds of them, if you know what I mean). And hell, let’s not forget Italy, China, North Korea, the Confederacy, and those wacky Lobsterbacked British Royal Army types. Those people wrote a check up to and including their lives and, in the process, the soldiers, terrorists, and revolutionaries who vowed to destroy America gave me IRS combat zone exclusions for [eleven TDYs to Incirlik Air Base that crossed over the next month](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert%5FH.%5FFoglesong?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=opinion-on-veterans-day-i-thank-hostile-nations-for-my-retirement-pay). Kudos to my enemies for fattening twenty-two of my paychecks! _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### VA closing parking lots for 'suicide standdown' URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/va-closing-parking-lots-for-suicide-standdown/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:07.000Z ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/substack-post-media-s3-amazonaws-com/public/images/5332830d-f485-45c8-af5b-ac61f31a8df3_1292x875.jpg) **ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY**, Va. — [Secretary of Veterans Affairs Denis McDonough](https://www.va.gov/opa/bios/secva.asp?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=va-closing-parking-lots-for-suicide-standdown) held a press conference this morning on the steps of the Memorial Amphitheater to announce that all VA offices and clinics will close their parking lots for a “suicide standdown.” Standing before the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the eleventh secretary appointed since 9/11 unveiled yet another effort to increase despondent veteran lifespans. “To paraphrase President Obama,” he said, “if there's even one step we can take to save another veteran, then surely we have an obligation to try.” McDonough’s edict comes on the heels of a report by his agency’s Task Force Veteran Intra-Vehicular Self Murders. “The report makes it clear,” he said. “VA parking lots have a direct correlation to head wounds.” “Our [cemetery administration office](https://www.cem.va.gov/CEM/index.asp?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=va-closing-parking-lots-for-suicide-standdown) suspects it’s because a parking space looks roughly the size of a grave site,” McDonough said as his hand swept across Arlington’s fields of white stone markers. “So, we’ll consider resizing the lines during our suicide standdown. We might also paint over the goth blacktop with something like a happy pink.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Declutter your home by losing half your stuff while PCSing URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/declutter-your-home-by-losing-half-your-stuff-while-pcsing/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:07.000Z DOD movers prepare household goods for dumping in ocean/ being lost in warehouse **YOKOSUKA**, Japan— Many Americans deal with clutter. However, a young enterprising Sailor has found a straightforward solution- for US service members at least: execute a [Permanent Change of Station (PCS)](https://www.militaryonesource.mil/moving-pcs/plan-to-move/pcs-the-basics-about-permanent-change-of-station/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=declutter-your-home-by-losing-half-your-stuff-while-pcsing), and a significant amount of your possessions will vanish. Petty Officer 1st Class Mary Khan-Dho, an information specialist stationed in Japan, has PCS’d quite a few times over her career. She is convinced that these frequent moves have [helped her to develop a useful minimalist lifestyle](https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2023/10/19/mold-broken-furniture-just-a-start-to-this-familys-pcs-nightmare/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=declutter-your-home-by-losing-half-your-stuff-while-pcsing). _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Fort Cavazos to reinstate English feudal right of prima Nocta URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-cavazos-to-reinstate-english-feudal-right-of-prima-nocta/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T19:01:41.000Z Spouses gather for Ft. Cavazos Morale, Welfare, and Recreation “Wife Draft” event FORT CAVAZOS, Texas — The announcement last week that [all criminal charges of sexual abuse](https://www.stripes.com/branches/army/2023-09-15/fort-cavazos-court-martial-sex-misconduct-11386863.html?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-cavazos-to-reinstate-english-feudal-right-of-prima-nocta) were dropped against [Col. Jon Meredith](https://taskandpurpose.com/news/army-fort-cavazos-court-martial-jon-meredith-sexual-assault/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-cavazos-to-reinstate-english-feudal-right-of-prima-nocta) has paved the way for Ft. Cavazos leadership to revive the [*Prima*](https://www.dictionary.com/e/historical-current-events/prima-nocta/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-cavazos-to-reinstate-english-feudal-right-of-prima-nocta)[ ](https://www.dictionary.com/e/historical-current-events/prima-nocta/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-cavazos-to-reinstate-english-feudal-right-of-prima-nocta)[*Nocta*](https://www.dictionary.com/e/historical-current-events/prima-nocta/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-cavazos-to-reinstate-english-feudal-right-of-prima-nocta) rite of English feudal lords. Effective immediately, the ancient custom entitles commanders to one night of sexual ‘dibs’ upon the spouses of subordinates. “This decision was based on an assessment of the many factors guiding every commander in deciding the appropriateness of alternative dispensations,” said [III Corps](https://home.army.mil/cavazos/units-tenants/iii-corps/iii-corps-leadership/commanding-general?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-cavazos-to-reinstate-english-feudal-right-of-prima-nocta) Spokesperson, Lt. Col. Whitney Wurdzalad. “Ft. Cavazos leadership, assesses this incentive as likely to help retain our most virile officers. Plus, it seems like hijinks are going to happen around ‘[The Great Place](https://www.army.mil/article/266648/great%5Fplace%5Fredesignates%5Fto%5Ffort%5Fcavazos?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=fort-cavazos-to-reinstate-english-feudal-right-of-prima-nocta)’ anyway, so if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Hometown somehow sucks even more than when you first enlisted URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/hometown-somehow-sucks-even-more-than-when-you-first-enlisted/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T04:59:06.000Z You spent how many hours driving up and down this road in high school? **YOUR HOMETOWN**, USA— When Marine Pfc. Stockton Bloom returned home to Wilson, NC for his mother’s birthday this past September, he made a horrifying discovery. The hometown he hated so much while in high school had somehow gotten noticeably worse. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### DoD introduces Devil's Advocate General Corps URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-introduces-devil-s-advocate-general-corps/ Last updated: 2026-05-13T16:05:05.000Z WASHINGTON D.C. — In a secret ceremony conducted in a cave on October 13, a Friday, the Department of Defense established the Devil’s Advocate General (DAG) Corps. This new organization will fulfill the essential role of presenting contentious topics, volatile anecdotes, and strawman arguments to otherwise reasonable discourse throughout all branches of the US military. Many service members believe that the official title of Devil’s Advocate is long overdue in the military. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### First female Navy SEAL maintains standard of being Oakley wearing D-bag URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/first-female-navy-seal-maintains-standard-of-being-oakley-wearing-d-bag/ Last updated: 2025-09-12T19:34:04.000Z CORONADO, Calif. — Special Operations PO1 Natalia Bennet made history earlier this year when the former Gunners Mate successfully completed [Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL(BUD/S)](https://navyseals.com/buds/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=first-female-navy-seal-maintains-standard-of-being-oakley-wearing-d-bag) and [SEAL Qualification Training (SQT)](https://navyseals.com/seal-training-tips/sqt/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=first-female-navy-seal-maintains-standard-of-being-oakley-wearing-d-bag), making her the first woman to earn the coveted warfare device known as the “[Budweiser](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special%5FWarfare%5Finsignia?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=first-female-navy-seal-maintains-standard-of-being-oakley-wearing-d-bag)”. Like many candidates, Bennet arrived at BUD/S with a love of Skoal long-cut wintergreen, Oakley sunglasses, and the way she looks shirtless in a plate carrier. However, unlike most candidates, Bennet actually completed SEAL training. “I was never gonna be a BUD/S dud,” Bennet said while packing a lip. “I may be a lot of things: short, a steroid user, a former Chick-fil-A mascot, and a wall puncher- but I am not a quitter!” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Marines improve Cyber skills with Microchip eating contest URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-improve-cyber-skills-with-microchip-eating-contest/ Last updated: 2026-02-22T05:42:59.000Z **FORT MEADE**, Md. – Marines assigned to [Marine Forces, US Cyber Command (MARFORCYBERCOM)](https://www.marforcyber.marines.mil/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=marines-improve-cyber-skills-with-microchip-eating-contest) are refining their technical and epicurean skills with a contest to eat the most microchips, and challenging other Devil Dogs to follow their example. “People keep saying that China is eating our lunch in cyber warfare and microelectronics,” said MGySgt. Sam Flannery, SNCOIC of the MARFORCYBER [Offensive Cyber Detachment](https://www.checkpoint.com/cyber-hub/cyber-security/what-is-offensive-cyber-security/?utm%5Fsource=www.duffelblog.com&utm%5Fmedium=newsletter&utm%5Fcampaign=marines-improve-cyber-skills-with-microchip-eating-contest). “Well, not on my watch. If cyberspace is the modern battlefield, then the modern lunch is the wafers of microchips that power our tools. We’ll chew the shit out of the Chinese in this fight just like we did at the Chosin Reservoir.” To infuse the newest cyber chip technologies “right into our bloodstreams,” Flannery launched his Marines on a contest to ingest as many microchips as they could find at CYBERCOM headquarters. After one year, Flannery will award the leading chip eater the title of “Digital Devil Dog of the Year.” _This post is for paying subscribers only._ ### Crossfit LLC wins contract to take Air Force officer fitness tests URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/crossfit-llc-wins-contract-to-take-air-force-officer-fitness-tests/ Last updated: 2026-09-22T18:50:31.000Z THE PENTAGON, Arlington, Va. — Top Air Force officials held a press conference today in the Pentagon Athletic Center to unveil a new 'ContractorFit' program for officer fitness tests. _This post is for paying subscribers only._ _Includes the latest 500 public posts. Use `/sitemap.xml` for the complete archive of public content._