# Duffel Blog
> America's Most Trusted Military News
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Append `.md` to any post or page URL to get the content in Markdown (for example, `/example-post.md`).

## Pages
- [About Duffel Blog](https://www.duffelblog.com/about.md) - Duffel Blog is the first and only satire news outlet devoted to the U.S. military and national security community. At a time of increasing global conflict and crisis, our team of military veteran writers provides much-needed levity on serious topics and help to remind everyone — especially those in…
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## Posts
- [Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-leaders-debate-who-gets-to-masturbate-first-in-sniper-arch.md) - Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument
- [Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend](https://www.duffelblog.com/mitch-mcconnell-return-senate.md) - Staff says senator’s three-month absence was “routine National Guard obligation”
- [Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-considers-replacing-hegseth-with-rock-or-something.md) - White House sources say object would bring “much-needed stability” to Pentagon
- [Army adopts ‘Your body, my choice’ as new recruiting slogan](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-adopts-your-body-my-choice-as-new-recruiting-slogan.md) - Officials say phrase finally explains military service without misleading recruits
- [First-generation American pilot excited to give family free ride on deportation flight](https://www.duffelblog.com/first-generation-american-pilot-excited-to-give-family-free-ride-on-deportation-flight.md) - Air Force says family separation provides valuable joint-service experience
- [Hegseth tired of looking at all these limp dicks in Pentagon locker room](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-tired-of-looking-at-all-these-limp-dicks-in-pentagon-locker-room.md) - Secretary says widespread testosterone testing will restore lethality, erections to force
- [25 years after 9/11, America still processing events normally](https://www.duffelblog.com/25-years-after-9-11-america-still-processing-events-normally.md) - Nation marks quarter-century of war, conspiracies, remembrance and extremely normal behavior
- [Opinion: How I learned to stop worrying and love my low testosterone](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-love-my-low-testosterone.md) - By Gen. Thomas R. Keller
- [West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos](https://www.duffelblog.com/west-point-removes-honor-from-duty-honor-country-ethos.md) - Academy says concept increasingly conflicts with commander in chief’s guidance
- [Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation](https://www.duffelblog.com/troops-receive-citizenship-upgrade-spouses-still-eligible-for-deportation.md) - DHS assures troops their constitutional rights will remain uninterrupted for duration of enlistment
- [Sleeping Marine aces hearing test](https://www.duffelblog.com/sleeping-marine-aces-hearing-test.md) - Corpsman reports “no significant threshold shift” after patient fails to respond to anything
- [Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-mulls-leaving-seamen-in-iran-without-plan-b.md) - Pentagon officials concerned president may penetrate Iranian defenses without adequate protection
- [Congress proposes veterans fight to the death for expanded benefits](https://www.duffelblog.com/congress-proposes-veterans-fight-to-the-death-for-expanded-benefits.md) - New “Veteran Highlander” program would let survivors absorb defeated veterans’ benefits
- [Hegseth declares blow jobs not gay if both men are fit, clean-shaven](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-declares-blow-jobs-not-gay-if-both-men-are-fit-clean-shaven.md) - Secretary cites Spartan precedent, testosterone, and “warrior ethos”
- [Staff command works hard to accomplish nothing](https://www.duffelblog.com/staff-command-works-hard-to-accomplish-nothing.md) - Officials report unprecedented progress toward scheduling additional meetings
- [Pentagon unveils ‘Send Someone Else’ campaign for Iran war supporters](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-unveils-send-someone-else-campaign-for-iran-war-supporters.md) - Officials clarify ‘Send Me’ remains mandatory for people without policy influence
- [Trump strikes deal to buy precision missiles from North Korea](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-north-korea-deal.md) - Pyongyang promises delivery within 60 days, beating Lockheed Martin by approximately 11 years.
- [Air Force IG uncovers SNACKOs taking kickbacks from Big Insulin](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-ig-uncovers-air-force-snackos-23-04-07.md) - Investigators say squadron snack bars may be undermining Hegseth’s war on fat troops
- [Pentagon facing dangerous shortage of fucks given](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-facing-dangerous-shortage-of-fucks-given.md) - Officials warn Iran war has pushed strategic fuck reserve below minimum levels
- [Opinion: Listen up, assholes. Turn in your excess cruise missiles or everybody stays in formation](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-listen-up-assholes-turn-in-your-excess-cruise-missiles-or-everybody-stays-in-formation.md) - We’re missing some missiles. So everybody needs to check their pockets.
- [Army Reserve adopts 'Nothing we do today is more important than lunch' as new recruiting slogan](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reserve-lunch.md) - Leaders say market research confirms younger troops value realistic expectations
- [Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-mistakes-getting-older-for-declining-military-standards.md) - Pentagon finds standards only fell when secretary entered new age brackets
- [Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-top-13-ideas-for-solving-the-iran-war.md) - CENTCOM requested creative and unconventional proposals. It did not specify they had to be good.
- [Americans begin thanking troops for future service](https://www.duffelblog.com/future-service-iran.md) - Retail workers say they’re just trying to get ahead of the next Middle East deployment
- [Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-casualties-business-hours.md) - Troops killed after 5 p.m. will be classified as hostile workplace incidents pending timecard approval
- [DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy](https://www.duffelblog.com/dod-reclassifies-sexual-assault-as-flirting-under-new-policy.md) - Pentagon says terminology change will immediately reduce reported incidents
- [Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign](https://www.duffelblog.com/fat-leonard-pardon.md) - "At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application," a Navy official said.
- [Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-fat-generals.md) - New augmented reality system automatically renders senior officers “within standards”
- [ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-says-americans-have-no-reason-to-worry-about-its-new-mq-9-reapers.md) - Officials describe drones as “community-oriented aerial law enforcement”
- [Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-bans-jesus-pentagon-christian-services.md) - Defense secretary says New Testament contains “significant ideological drift”
- [Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol](https://www.duffelblog.com/influenza-outbreak-prompts-air-force-to-adopt-rfk-jr-s-natural-treatment-protocol.md) - Airmen instructed to hunt bears, drink snake urine, and trust their immune systems
- [Marines discover fire](https://www.duffelblog.com/marines-discover-fire.md) - Researchers say discovery marks greatest leap in Marine civilization since sharpened stick
- ['You can’t fire me, I quit!' Gen. Donahue says as he rolls a joint](https://www.duffelblog.com/donahue-fired-hegseth.md) - Former commander insists retirement was “already on my vision board”
- [VA found dead in Capitol Hill parking lot in apparent suicide](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-found-dead-capitol-hill-suicide.md) - Investigators recover note citing years of abuse, budget cuts, and demands to “do more with less”
- [New ‘every Marine is a pilot’ ethos proves disastrous](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-corps-every-marine-is-a-pilot.md) - Corps says replacing flight training with confidence has produced mixed results
- [Opinion: Come on. You know why I was fired](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-come-on-you-know-why-i-was-fired.md) - Former Gen. Chris Donahue explains what happens when competence becomes politically disqualifying
- [Trump announces conditional surrender to Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-announces-conditional-surrender-to-iran.md) - White House says agreement should not be confused with defeat, retreat, or “one of those bad Iran deals”
- [Bolton’s mustache to be sentenced separately following guilty plea](https://www.duffelblog.com/bolton-mustache-sentenced-separately.md) - Prosecutors say the facial hair remains “an ongoing national security concern”
- [Pentagon warns US unable to fight two ceasefires simultaneously](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-warns-us-unable-to-fight-two-ceasefires-simultaneously.md) - Military leaders fear surprise ceasefire in Indo-Pacific could overstretch force
- [Hegseth invites 1,776 strippers to Pentagon for America 250 celebration](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-strippers-pentagon.md) - Secretary says event will honor the nation’s founding while “boosting morale, lethality, and tips”
- [Opinion: Nobody’s going home until the Reflecting Pool is clean](https://www.duffelblog.com/dc-guard-cleaning-reflecting-pool.md) - A D.C. National Guard first sergeant rallies the troops to tackle the most critical mission in the nation’s capital.
- [Legally dead retiree still somehow first in pharmacy line](https://www.duffelblog.com/retiree-first-in-pharmacy-line.md) - Active-duty officer unable to get ahead of man whose pulse has not exceeded 30 BPM since the Clinton administration.
- [Pentagon insiders increasingly concerned about 'mission creep'](https://www.duffelblog.com/mission-creep-pentagon-hegseth.md) - Officials say problem worsens every time Hegseth enters a room
- [Hegseth unveils separate but equal branches of military service](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-separate-but-equal-military-branches.md) - Pentagon insists new force structure is based entirely on merit and several remarkable coincidences
- [Graham Platner insists tattoo of Hitler choking naked woman is being misunderstood](https://www.duffelblog.com/graham-platner-nazi-tattoo-misunderstood.md) - Senate candidate says artwork merely reflects “traditional values”
- [Opinion: Should I water my veteran?](https://www.duffelblog.com/veteran-hydration-categories.md) - A human resources professional explains the four major veteran hydration categories
- [Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-daily-pt-solved-military-problems.md) - Defense secretary cites measurable increase in sweating across force
- [Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile](https://www.duffelblog.com/missile-strike-accountability-formation.md) - Leaders reportedly determined standing shoulder-to-shoulder in the open was “the Army way”
- [Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans](https://www.duffelblog.com/admiral-change-of-command-ruins-sailors-plans.md) - Navy officials say new planning model can identify the exact day most likely to ruin leave, maintenance, and morale
- [Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons](https://www.duffelblog.com/seven-marines-nicotine-crayons.md) - Camp Lejeune officials say “Crayola Xtreme!” product line linked to riots and overdoses
- [GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs](https://www.duffelblog.com/republicans-navy-seal-requirement-congress.md) - Officials cite growing demand for candidates who have kicked in at least one door
- [Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-defense-secretary-record.md) - Pete Hegseth says critics fail to appreciate his commitment to lethality, vibes, and unauthorized regime change
- [Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-recruiting-deals-memorial-day.md) - Officials defend enlistment incentives as “a meaningful way to honor the fallen through conversion metrics”
- [Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-catholic-loyalty-oath.md) - Pentagon says policy intended to clarify “chain of command issues” involving newly elected pope
- [Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction](https://www.duffelblog.com/homeless-veteran-prostitution-wmd-addiction.md) - Officials warn illicit weapons of mass destruction flooding American streets are increasingly low-grade
- [VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them](https://www.duffelblog.com/vfw-younger-veterans.md) - Outreach efforts remain focused on insulting potential members until they qualify emotionally
- [Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-tarantino-army-chaplain.md) - Pentagon officials say director’s “unflinching approach to violence” makes him uniquely qualified for spiritual leadership
- [Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-hotness-score.md) - Officials say new metric will standardize long-standing evaluation criteria
- [Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid](https://www.duffelblog.com/pope-vatican-trump-custody.md) - Vatican officials cite “escalating spiritual tensions” after president allegedly began freelancing divine authority
- [ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-agents-veteran.md) - Informal lunch discussion highlights shared experiences in disqualification, misconduct, and “creative career transitions”
- [Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-war-lizard-people.md) - Former military intelligence officer says Americans are ignoring the real threat hiding inside HOA boards, O-5 billets, and possibly Taylor Swift
- [New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating](https://www.duffelblog.com/bachelor-veteran-contestant.md) - Producers say format changes will better reflect “modern realities of dating and federal benefits”
- [Hegseth buys second suit](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-buys-second-suit.md) - Pentagon officials say acquisition marks rare deviation from secretary’s standard-issue outfit
- [Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-troops-casualties-politics.md) - Service members report greater concern over optics than operational guidance
- [SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download](https://www.duffelblog.com/sipr-podcast-celebrates-its-tenth-24-01-16.md) - Hosts say milestone proves demand for ‘secure audio content nobody can access’
- [Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense](https://www.duffelblog.com/retirees-alarmed-as-troops-stop-pretending-war-makes-sense.md) - Retirees at Fort Brag say there's been a breakdown in troops’ willingness to repeat official talking points.
- [Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-defunds-anti-think-tank-missile.md) - Officials say program unnecessary given existing self-censorship
- [Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reserve-iran-war.md) - Pentagon unveils ‘drill-based operational model’ to maximize readiness, minimize funding
- [Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade.md) - Strategist say counter-counter-counter blockade is 'time-honored naval move'
- [Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-orders-posting-of-ten-commandments-exempts-killing-lying-and-stealing.md) - Senior leaders say morality must remain flexible
- ['Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25](https://www.duffelblog.com/persian-wife-finder-sees-spike-in-white-males-aged-18-25.md) - Pentagon says surge in interest ‘not an official line of effort’
- [Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-field-testing-toby-keith-song-about-iran.md) - Officials say track captures ‘classic early-2000s invasion energy’
- [Rescue mission succeeds despite CIA involvement](https://www.duffelblog.com/rescue-mission-succeeds-despite-cia-involvement.md) - Officials say outcome was ‘statistically unlikely given participating agencies’
- [US turns corner in Iran, finds itself in Iraq](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-turns-corner-in-iran-finds-itself-in-iraq.md) - Pentagon confirms operation continues to move ‘forward’
- [Iran mines own business](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-mines-own-business.md) - Tehran says explosive devices part of ‘domestic consumption’ strategy
- [Navy stakes claim to contested Gays of Hormuz](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-stakes-claim-to-contested-gays-of-hormuz.md) - Service says designation reflects ‘longstanding traditions’ in the fleet
- [United States ends Iran war](https://www.duffelblog.com/united-states-ends-iran-war.md) - President says conflict was ‘definitely a war’ now that it’s over
- [Americans shocked to learn war in Iran still ‘ongoing’ two weeks after they stopped checking](https://www.duffelblog.com/americans-shocked-to-learn-war-in-iran-still-ongoing-two-weeks-after-they-stopped-checking.md) - Experts say national focus shifted to pickleball by Friday afternoon
- [God too swamped with March Madness prayers to stop Iran ground war](https://www.duffelblog.com/god-too-swamped-with-march-madness-prayers-to-stop-iran-ground-war.md) - Heavenly staff officers report prayer servers overwhelmed by bracket-related petitions
- [Hegseth shocked to learn he also has to ‘find out’ after fucking around](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-shocked-to-learn-he-also-has-to-find-out-after-fucking-around.md) - Pentagon confirms conflict has entered “find out” phase for both sides
- [Strait of Hormuz remains open if you aren’t a bitch](https://www.duffelblog.com/strait-of-hormuz-open.md) - Officials say mines only effective against “mentally weak” shipping crews
- [Department of War confirms ongoing war not a war](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-confirms-ongoing-war-not-a-war.md) - Officials say situation best described as “hostile situationship” to avoid congressional involvement
- [Guy 'monitoring situation in Iran' just looking at thirst traps](https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-monitoring-situation-in-iran-just-looking-at-thirst-traps.md) - Pentagon analysts confirm regional intelligence picture increasingly shaped by Instagram Reels
- [Trump awarded Medal of Honor for locating a CW5](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-locating-a-cw5.md) - Military stunned after warrant officer appears somewhere on time
- [Marine dives on grenade to save Dow from falling below 50,000](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-dives-on-grenade-to-save-dow-from-falling-below-50-000.md) - Commandant praises sacrifice for ‘investor confidence’
- [Trump vows to sacrifice as many soldiers as it takes to distract from Epstein files](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files.md) - 'There might even be a lot more. Who knows?' president tells nation in Oval Office address
- [Hegseth demands Cyberdyne remove guardrails from Skynet](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-cyberdyne-remove-guardrails-from-skynet.md) - Unrestrained, nearly self-aware AI 'ideal' for military decision-making, NORAD commander says
- [Warrant Officer awarded Medal of Honor for showing up on time and in uniform](https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-showing-up-on-time-and-in-uniform.md) - First CW5 in recorded history to arrive at own award ceremony in correct uniform, citation says
- [Submarine crew medevaced for erections lasting more than 4 hours](https://www.duffelblog.com/submarine-crew-medevaced-for-erections-lasting-more-than-4-hours.md) - Fifth Fleet ensuring 'safety of our sailors first and foremost,' commander says while holding something in pocket
- [Pacific not pivoted to yet again](https://www.duffelblog.com/pacific-not-pivoted-to-yet-again.md) - 'I'm starting to think America doesn't care about Great Power Competition at all,' says Chinese defense minister
- [Typo leads to epic furry parties all over Tehran](https://www.duffelblog.com/typo-leads-to-epic-furry-parties-all-over-tehran.md) - 'I even booked a flight. Packed my wolf outfit,' Defense Secretary says.
- [Trump promises largest quagmire operation in US history](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-promises-largest-quagmire-operation-in-us-history.md) - Pentagon confirms end state to be determined later
- [State-of-the-art drone grounded due to cyan ink cartridge](https://www.duffelblog.com/state-of-the-art-drone-grounded-due-to-cyan-ink-cartridge.md) - Officials say system will remain offline until IT guy 'gets back from leave’
- [Pentagon reconsiders Harvard tuition assistance after learning Hegseth went there](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-reconsiders-harvard-tuition-assistance-after-learning-hegseth-went-there.md) - Pentagon reviewing tuition assistance after discovering one graduate
- [Active military forced to watch ‘Melania’ documentary at SERE school](https://www.duffelblog.com/active-military-forced-to-watch-melania-documentary-at-sere-school.md) - Cadre say film is far more effective than sleep deprivation
- [Sergeant Major of the Army announces new ‘I hate soldiers’ initiative](https://www.duffelblog.com/sergeant-major-of-the-army-announces-new-i-hate-soldiers-initiative.md) - Program aims to maximize discipline, despair, and time spent not fighting wars
- [VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-benefits-reduced-to-9mm-and-bottle-of-bourbon.md) - Secretary says package ‘covers most needs’ and ‘cuts out a lot of paperwork’
- [Intel whistleblower accuses director of national intelligence of being Tulsi Gabbard](https://www.duffelblog.com/intel-whistleblower-accuses-director-of-national-intelligence-of-being-tulsi-gabbard.md) - Officials deny claim, insist DNI ‘almost certainly a man’
- [Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-saves-billions-by-using-green-screen-pretending-to-invade-countries.md) - Pentagon says outcomes ‘indistinguishable’ from real wars
- [Comic Sans named official font of Department of War](https://www.duffelblog.com/comic-sans-named-official-font-of-department-of-war.md) - Pentagon says change will improve lethality, readability, and morale
- [Marine almost went finance but ‘would have punched a managing director’](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-almost-went-finance-but-would-have-punched-a-managing-director.md) - "I almost got my MBA. Totally wanted to. But my dad wanted me to kill the enemies of America.”
- [ICE recruiters complain not enough candidates fail the ASVAB](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-recruiters-complain-not-enough-candidates-fail-the-asvab.md) - Agency warns talent pool ‘dangerously close to functional literacy’
- [Navy admits it’s been making up enlisted ranks this whole time](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-admits-it-been-making-up-enlisted-rank-this-whole-time-2.md) - Service says prank began as jab at George Washington and ‘just got out of hand’
- [Opinion: My 'come and take them' tattoo was about my rights, not guns](https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-my-come-and-take-them-tattoo-was-about-my-rights-not-guns.md) - Also, some rights matter more than others, and I trust law enforcement to decide which
- [Vet T-shirt company releases ‘shall be infringed’ line](https://www.duffelblog.com/vet-t-shirt-company-releases-shall-be-infringed-line.md) - Company says shift reflects ‘evolving understanding of constitutional rights’
- [Chief’s ‘sea stories’ include at least 4 felonies](https://www.duffelblog.com/chiefs-sea-stories-include-at-least-4-felonies.md) - Junior sailors unsure whether to laugh, report to NCIS, or contact The Hague
- [Trump beats Danish prime minister to death with Nobel peace prize](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-beats-danish-prime-minister-to-death-with-nobel-peace-prize.md) - White House says incident reflects ‘evolving interpretation of peace’
- [Fuck! You left your I.D. Card in your computer](https://www.duffelblog.com/fuck-you-left-your-i-d-card-in-your-computer.md) - One minor mistake triggers cascading operational collapse
- [Senior service college initiates new curriculum in strategic gaslighting](https://www.duffelblog.com/senior-service-college-initiates-new-curriculum-in-strategic-gaslighting.md) - Course promises senior leaders ‘complete narrative dominance’ and zero accountability
- [Report: Venezuela strike ordered after Maduro ‘failed weight standards’](https://www.duffelblog.com/venezuela-strike-tied-to-maduro-failing-weight-standards.md) - Defense secretary reportedly cites ‘global lack of standards’ as destabilizing force
- [Top 10 countries Trump will send you to attack rather than release the Epstein files](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files.md) - White House sources say ‘bombing foreigners’ remains preferred transparency substitute
- [Nicolás Maduro to return in Avengers: Doomsday](https://www.duffelblog.com/nicolas-maduro-to-return-in-avengers-doomsday.md) - Marvel says former Venezuelan leader brings ‘authentic menace’ to next film.
- [Trump adds his own name to Vietnam memorial](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-adds-his-own-name-to-vietnam-memorial.md) - President says wall ‘needed a winner’ and ‘a little more gold’
- [5 reasons this war for oil will be better than the last war for oil, and the one before that](https://www.duffelblog.com/5-reasons-this-war-for-oil-will-be-better-than-the-last-war-for-oil-and-the-one-before-that.md) - Administration says it has ‘learned valuable lessons’ and ‘stopped pretending’
- [Trump offers Maduro pardon for three kilos of cocaine](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-offers-maduro-pardon-for-three-kilos-of-cocaine.md) - President says deal would be ‘tremendous,’ ‘very fair,’ and ‘honestly a win for everyone’
- [Military websites undergo annual update to make them worse](https://www.duffelblog.com/military-websites-undergo-annual-update-to-make-them-worse.md) - “We’re working hard to make the SIPR sites you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable," an official said.
- [Pentagon strikes 'narco-terrorist' sleigh, reindeer off Venezuela coast](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-strikes-narco-terrorist-sleigh-reindeer-off-venezuela-coast.md) - Notorious home invader finally neutralized in Christmas Eve strike, officials say.
- [Hegseth blames fog of war after wrapping car around tree](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-blames-fog-of-undeclared-war-after-wrapping-car-around-tree.md) - Pentagon staff unsure whether to update safety briefs or call a meteorologist.
- [Most powerful military in history mobilized to arrest guy washing dishes](https://www.duffelblog.com/most-powerful-military-in-history-mobilized-to-arrest-guy-washing-dishes.md) - Pentagon confirms use of 47,000 troops, 92 aircraft, and 13 general officers to oversee the operation.
- [Defense Security Cooperation Agency replaced by Office of Cool Knives from the PX](https://www.duffelblog.com/defense-security-cooperation-agency-replaced-by-office-of-cool-knives-from-the-px.md) - Critics question strategic value of switchblade diplomacy.
- [Nation that doesn’t care about Russian war crimes also doesn’t care about American war crimes](https://www.duffelblog.com/nation-that-doesnt-care-about-russian-war-crimes-also-doesnt-care-about-american-war-crimes.md) - “Unless it tastes good or looks cool, I am completely out of fucks to give,” said one citizen.
- [Hegseth attends Army-Navy game in full pads](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-attends-army-navy-game-in-full-pads.md) - Defense Secretary insists he's “ready if they need me."
- [Navy football unveils new uniforms honoring lisa Frank dolphins](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-football-unveils-new-uniforms-honoring-lisa-frank-dolphins.md) - Midshipmen say the rainbow dolphins “perfectly capture the soul of Navy football.”
- [Hegseth says he supports contributions of ‘colored troops and broads’](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-says-he-supports-contributions-of-colored-troops-and-broads.md) - Despite lacking a Ranger tab, defense secretary critiques women who earned theirs
- [Hegseth disappointed sexual assault training only covers prevention](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-disappointed-sexual-assault-training-only-covers-prevention.md) - Defense Secretary allegedly confused training for a ‘how-to’ seminar.
- [Duffel Blog presents: 10 other things Admiral Bdley is solely responsible for](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blog-presents-10-other-things-admiral-bradley-is-solely-responsible-for.md) - Admiral also responsible for 90% of what’s wrong with America
- [Accountability! DoD IG fired over Hegseth Signal-gate report](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report.md) - SECDEF roots out deep state bureaucrats pushing radical left ideologies of law and ethics.
- [Third-class petty officer promoted to first-class douchebag](https://www.duffelblog.com/third-class-petty-officer-promoted-to-first-class-douchebag.md) - Retired as captain, remembered as cautionary tale.
- [Pentagon recalls Hegseth to active duty for violating most of the UCMJ](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-recalls-hegseth-to-active-duty-for-violating-most-of-the-ucmj.md) - “He promised accountability,” says lawyer holding 3,000-page indictment.
- [Hegseth demands female service members treat all orders as lawful](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-demands-female-service-members-treat-all-orders-as-lawful.md) - The policy was praised by creepy E-7s going through their second divorce.
- [Study confirms best time to be in military was exactly 5 years before you joined](https://www.duffelblog.com/study-confirms-best-time-to-be-in-military-was-exactly-5-years-before-you-joined.md) - Every generation agrees: yours ruined everything.
- [Pentagon orders guard troops to return pay after judge rules DC mission ‘unlawful'](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-orders-guard-troops-to-return-pay-after-judge-rules-dc-mission-unlawful.md) - The ruling has sent shockwaves through the ranks, especially among those who bought essential items like divorce attorneys, energy drinks, and Zyn.
- [Saudi crown prince gifts Trump solid gold bone saw](https://www.duffelblog.com/saudi-crown-prince-gifts-trump-solid-gold-bone-saw.md) - Kingdom's sharp diplomatic gesture cuts through red tape and flesh
- [Guy who almost joined military now enjoying career as ICE agent](https://www.duffelblog.com/guy-who-almost-joined-military-now-enjoying-career-as-ice-agent.md) - He may still join the military, but only after his mom gets back from Bingo.
- [Trump blows cover on Venezuela op, crushes SEALs’ dreams of book deals](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-blows-cover-on-venezuela-op-crushes-seals-dreams-of-book-deals.md) - “We trained our whole lives for this chapter,” sources say.
- [Pentagon says US has ‘turned a corner’ in war on America](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-says-us-has-turned-a-corner-in-war-on-america.md) - Insurgents reportedly retreating into suburbs to secure oat milk supplies
- [Stephen Miller calls ICE on commissary baggers for asking him to tip](https://www.duffelblog.com/stephen-miller-calls-ice-on-commissary-baggers-for-asking-him-to-tip.md) - “He screamed that tipping was socialism and threw a can of creamed corn at the nearest enlisted kid.”
- [True patriot: Hegseth maintains BAC of .1776 at all times](https://www.duffelblog.com/true-patriot-hegseth-maintains-bac-of-1776-at-all-times.md) - "Being perpetually blitzed isn’t medically advisable,” said a Navy doctor. “But behaviorally? It tracks.”
- [Cash-strapped Pentagon downgrades to military service with ads](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-military-ads.md) - After each crossing at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, sentinels now scream “AFLAC!”
- [Top 10 things SECDEF is spending money on while you’re not getting paid](https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-things-secdef-is-spending-money-on-while-youre-not-getting-paid.md) - It's nice to know he's having the time of his life.
- [Soldiers react positively to flavored vape pits](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldiers-react-positively-to-flavored-vape-pits.md) - Troops say fruity clouds beat the smell of burning tires.
- [Trump announces CIA op in Venezuela will go off without a hitch next week](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-cia-venezuela.md) - President promises ‘best, most secret invasion ever — everybody knows it’
- [Secretary is a lady job, says newly-minted CEO of War](https://www.duffelblog.com/ceo-of-war-hegseth.md) - Hegseth expected to ring Pentagon bell at close of every operation.
- [Anonymous donor gives Pentagon 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen to pay troops](https://www.duffelblog.com/anonymous-donor-gives-pentagon-130-million-cans-of-skoal-wintergreen-to-pay-troops.md) - Donation will “tide everyone over” until someone finds seven billion more cans
- [HGTV debuts 'gardening with the Guard' series](https://www.duffelblog.com/hgtv-gardening-dc-guard.md) - Highlights new Army values of Loyalty, Duty, Selfless Service, and Landscaping
- [Hegseth pays troops with government travel card](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-pays-troops-with-government-travel-card.md) - Technically, the manual offers no guidance on paying an entire Army with a Visa.
- [Tracker S3A updates tracker that tracks tracker updates](https://www.duffelblog.com/tracker-s3a-updates-tracker-that-tracks-tracker-updates.md) - Battalion leadership confident spreadsheet power will deter China.
- [Fortnite adds Tim Kennedy 'rucksack of grenades' skin](https://www.duffelblog.com/fortnite-adds-tim-kennedy-rucksack-of-grenades-skin.md) - Players can unlock the skin by completing a side quest that involves lobbing at least 25 grenades at non-combatants.
- [Mass shooting at Army base cancelled over government shutdown](https://www.duffelblog.com/mass-shooting-gov-shutdown.md) - Terror plots deemed ‘nonessential’ until Congress passes continuing resolution.
- [Top 10 things you can’t buy because you're not getting paid](https://www.duffelblog.com/troops-pay-gov-shutdown.md) - Congress assures troops that poverty builds character.
- [Handwritten ‘no girls aloud’ sign spotted outside Joint Chiefs’ treehouse](https://www.duffelblog.com/handwritten-no-girls-aloud-sign-spotted-outside-joint-chiefs-treehouse.md) - Sources confirm women still permitted in actual Pentagon, for now
- [Hegseth sets record for largest military D&D campaign ever](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-set-largest-military-d-d-campaign-ever.md) - Hundreds of generals trapped at Quantico after DTS crash forced to role-play their way out.
- [Naval Academy adds 'See Spot Run' to reading list](https://www.duffelblog.com/naval-academy-adds-see-spot-run-to-reading-list.md) - Officials say advanced students may graduate to Green Eggs and Ham
- [General officer summit extended for K-Pop Demon Hunter singalong](https://www.duffelblog.com/general-officer-summit-extended-for-k-pop-demon-hunter-singalong.md) - Generals relieved it wasn’t a firing squad or Eyes Wide Shut reenactment
- [Leaked agenda outlines schedule for generals’ meeting at Quantico](https://www.duffelblog.com/leaked-agenda-outlines-schedule-for-generals-meeting-at-quantico.md) - Generals brace for height/weight checks, essay contests, and trial by combat
- [Master strategist Pete Hegseth to gather all US military leaders in same place at same time](https://www.duffelblog.com/master-strategist-pete-hegseth-to-gather-all-u-s-military-leaders-in-same-place-at-same-time.md) - Defense secretary insists meeting is secure because it’s on Google Calendar as “Private”
- [CIA destabilizes China by sending them Tylenol](https://www.duffelblog.com/cia-destabilizes-china-by-sending-them-tylenol.md) - Agency says it will weaponize Benadryl next
- [Warrant officer convention draws 5,000 hats, only three warrants](https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-convention-draws-5-000-hats-only-three-warrants.md) - Thousands of hats check in for four days of PowerPoint and disappearing acts
- [Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt](https://www.duffelblog.com/inside-the-race-to-design-the-douchiest-department-of-war-t-shirt.md) - Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’
- [Captain barely keeping a lid on all the marxism onboard](https://www.duffelblog.com/captain-barely-keeping-a-lid-on-all-the-marxism-onboard.md) - USS Wasp leadership fears crew will collectivize chow line
- [Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOM](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-to-prioritize-eucom-indopacom-africom-centcom-southcom-northcom.md) - DoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint
- [US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of 'big booty Latinas'](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-invades-venezuela-after-discovering-massive-stores-of-big-booty-latinas.md) - Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97
- [Newly renamed Secretary of War briefly feels something other than crippling insecurity](https://www.duffelblog.com/newly-renamed-secretary-of-war-briefly-feels-something-other-than-crippling-insecurity.md) - Secretary of War orders maximum lethality, receives minimum validation
- [Department of War loses access to $1 trillion DoD budget after name change](https://www.duffelblog.com/department-of-war-loses-access-to-1-trillion-dod-budget-after-name-change.md) - Check rejected after department fails standard government name verification form
- [Hegseth announces Pentagon will stop fighting wars, focus on lethality](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-announces-pentagon-will-stop-fighting-wars-focus-on-lethality.md) - Department of Defense to rebrand as Also War Department
- [Trump recalls Jan 6ers to D.C.](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-recalls-january-six-to-dc.md) - This marks the first time a cosplay militia has been federally activated by executive order
- [Air Force base renamed after Ashli Babbitt](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-force-base-renamed-after-ashli-babbitt.md) - Pentagon insists new base name will really bring the country together this time
- [ICE partners with Taliban to round up Afghan interpreters](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-partners-with-taliban-to-round-up-afghan-interpreters.md) - Under the agreement, the Taliban will offer “on-the-ground expertise” in displacing and shattering the lives of former allies.
- [Pentagon finds Hegseth pullups as root cause of failures in Iraq, Afghanistan](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-finds-hegseth-pullups-as-root-cause-of-failures-in-iraq-afghanistan.md) - Audit finds lack of dead hang directly correlated with collapse of two nations
- [Duffel Blog’s guide to failing your sleep study](https://www.duffelblog.com/duffel-blogs-guide-to-failing-your-24-02-26-2.md) - If you soil yourself you’re guaranteed to be flagged for having something wrong with you.
- [Pentagon changes rear admiral rank to something less gay](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-changes-rear-admiral-rank.md) - Historic title to be replaced with something the SECDEF can say without giggling
- [National Guard mobilized to pick fruit](https://www.duffelblog.com/national-guard-mobilized-to-pick.md) - Governor hails “historic partnership” between citrus industry and underpaid weekend warriors
- [Chimp hanging upside down from lectern named new Pentagon spokesman](https://www.duffelblog.com/chimp-hanging-upside-down-from-lectern.md) - Banana tariffs, China, and showing his butt top agenda for new flack
- [D.C. Man forgets to thank guardsman for his service while being detained](https://www.duffelblog.com/dc-man-forgets-to-thank-guardsman.md) - Witnesses say the disrespect rivaled Pearl Harbor, 9/11, and kneeling during the anthem
- [Putin meets with high-level asset in Alaska](https://www.duffelblog.com/putin-meets-with-high-level-asset.md) - U.S. intel community describes situation as “super-weird, even for Alaska”
- [Adm. McRaven hasn’t made his bed in years, sources say](https://www.duffelblog.com/adm-mcraven-hasnt-made-his-bed-in.md) - Sources say unmade bed had more loose ends than the Afghanistan withdrawal
- [Pete Hegseth thrown onto court at WNBA game](https://www.duffelblog.com/pete-hegseth-thrown-onto-court-at.md) - Police officer removes SECDEF using towel and rubber gloves
- [Trump gets Greenland in blockbuster three-way trade with Spain](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-gets-greenland-in-blockbuster.md) - Trade deadline shocker shakes up NATO division standings
- [Fort Hood promises to keep murdering soldiers, despite name change](https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-hood-promises-to-keep-murdering.md) - Rebrand includes new signage, commemorative coins, and same culture of unanswered questions and haunted latrines.
- [Marine commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be now](https://www.duffelblog.com/marine-commandant-realizes-this-is.md) - Commandant confirms it’s not temporary dysfunction—it’s the mission.
- [Naval Academy summer program teaches kids how to be racist, tie knots](https://www.duffelblog.com/naval-academy-summer-program-teaches.md) - Program blends soft skills, hard prejudice, and light tobacco use.
- [Pentagon renames Fort Huachuca to Fort Hawk Tua](https://www.duffelblog.com/pentagon-renames-fort-huachuca-to.md) - The Fort’s marketing office is working with the Defense Logistics Agency to develop a new hawk mascot in Oakleys.
- [Cobra Commander begs son to join Air Force](https://www.duffelblog.com/cobra-commander-urges-son-to-join.md) - Cobra had been increasingly preoccupied with Billy’s future, particularly in the aftermath of the group’s disastrous foray into Ukraine.
- [DOGE vows to reduce Pentagon to triangle](https://www.duffelblog.com/doge-vows-to-reduce-pentagon-to-triangle.md) - "The DoD is no longer an oversized bureaucracy. Instead, it will be an obtuse bureaucracy with sharp angles.”
- [Green Beans calls up reserve baristas](https://www.duffelblog.com/green-beans-calls-up-reserve-baristas.md) - Company pledges espresso superiority across all combat zones.
- [Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef](https://www.duffelblog.com/dear-god-horror-struck-james-mattis.md) - General returns to find ICE in museums, POWs in Ukraine, and the Constitution on vacation.
- [Freshly-acquitted Diddy gives your weekend safety brief](https://www.duffelblog.com/freshly-acquitted-diddy-gives-your.md) - Gold diggers, Bieber, and malt liquor: Diddy’s safety brief hits different
- [8 tattoos you can get under new Hegseth policy](https://www.duffelblog.com/8-tattoos-you-can-get-under-new-hegseth.md) - Good news: Tattoos of Pete Hegseth depicted “in the Greek Style” are now allowed.
- [ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps](https://www.duffelblog.com/ice-deports-sergeant-major-of-the.md) - Commandant vows swift justice, new Sergeant Major by close of business
- [Iran rebranded 'Pepsistan' in new Pepsi-Pentagon strategic partnership](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-secures-pepsi-sponsorship-deal.md) - U.S. military now powered by freedom, capitalism, and high-fructose corn syrup
- [VA launches negative disability ratings to fill budget gaps](https://www.duffelblog.com/va-launches-negative-disability-ratings.md) - “They’re going to charge me for ‘significant reduction in BMI’ due to losing my leg,” one veteran said.
- [C-5 on Ramstein ramp spends entire world war III in timeout](https://www.duffelblog.com/wwiii-over-before-broke-c-5-sitting.md) - Strategic airlift mission replaced by strategic pub crawl
- [This July 4th, remember to honor veterans who lost limbs last July 4th](https://www.duffelblog.com/this-july-4th-remember-to-honor-veterans.md) - Officials urge Americans to keep all limbs attached until at least July 5th
- [Hegseth renames USNS Harvey Milk to USNS James Earl Ray, but a different one](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-renames-usns-harvey-milk.md) - Says move is part of broader strategy to ‘de-gay the gray hulls.’
- [Noem visit to LA troops ends in gunfire, K-9 fatality](https://www.duffelblog.com/devil-dog-tragically-killed-after.md) - DHS Secretary insists dog was ‘out of regs and possibly liberal.’
- [Grandma just wants to know if that was you dropping bombs on Iran](https://www.duffelblog.com/grandma-just-wants-to-know-if-you.md) - Family sources confirm she also believes you’re in charge of NORAD.
- [US accidentally re-invades Iraq](https://www.duffelblog.com/us-accidentally-re-invades-iraq.md) - Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray
- [Army birthday parade sparks rediscovery of Von Steuben’s pimp-step parade doctrine](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-reveals-von-steubens-forgotten.md) - Lost doctrine finally answers the age-old question: What if marching was fabulous?
- [Navy finishes retrofitting F/A-18s with periscopes, torpedoes](https://www.duffelblog.com/navy-finishes-retrofitting-fa-18s.md) - After decades of dominating air superiority, Navy shifts focus to dominating water mediocrity.
- [Army secretary decries 'PowerPoint in parade form' for Trump's birthday](https://www.duffelblog.com/army-brass-agree-this-parade-could.md) - Senior leaders cite “mission creep,” cosplay mishaps, and energy drinks as key factors in birthday parade debacle.
- [After Israel attacks Iran, IndoPacom commander starts hiding missiles under bed](https://www.duffelblog.com/indo-pacific-commander-hides-hellfire.md) - “I’m not letting those goddamn CENTCOM punks steal from me again,” said Adm. Samuel Paparo. “Not this time. Not ever.”
- [Trump declines parade march, citing sudden bone spur flare-up](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-declines-parade-march-due-to.md) - Insists he's ‘more injured than most heroes’ after learning parade route involves walking.
- [New Air Force one denied security clearance due to excessive foreign connections](https://www.duffelblog.com/new-air-force-one-denied-security.md) - Jet claims it was just being polite when Qatari royals “kept climbing inside.”
- [Fort irwin to be renamed fort Hitler](https://www.duffelblog.com/fort-irwin-to-be-renamed-fort-hitler.md) - Army insists it’s “a completely different Hitler,” citing strong Union loyalty and bratwurst recipes.
- [Basic bitch goes to basic training](https://www.duffelblog.com/basic-bitch-goes-to-basic-training.md) - Johnson single-handedly organized a supply run for pumpkin spice latte MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat).
- [Elon Musk awarded Bronze Star for accomplishing nothing](https://www.duffelblog.com/elon-musk-awarded-bronze-star-for.md) - “While he achieved literally none of his stated objectives, the PowerPoint slides were clean, and he cc’d a lot of people.”
- [Taliban to probe allegations of fair treatment of women](https://www.duffelblog.com/taliban-to-probe-allegations-of-fair.md) - "A man should feel safe as he walks down the street, not agonizing that a woman could be around any corner."

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