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# Opinion: Listen up, assholes. Turn in your excess cruise missiles or everybody stays in formation
- URL: https://www.duffelblog.com/opinion-listen-up-assholes-turn-in-your-excess-cruise-missiles-or-everybody-stays-in-formation/
- Published: 2026-08-12T12:00:01.000Z
- Updated: 2026-08-12T19:36:13.000Z
- Description: We’re missing some missiles. So everybody needs to check their pockets.
- Author: Bull Winkle
- Tags: The Pentagon, Opinion

![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/08/250127-D-TT977-1051-2-1.jpg)

***The following is an opinion article by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.***

At ease, patriots. Listen up because I’m only going to say this 15 or 20 more times.

Nobody is fucking going anywhere until we have [100% accountability](https://www.duffelblog.com/accountability-dod-ig-fired-over-hegseth-signal-gate-report/) of all sensitive items, exquisite munitions, and long-range precision weapons in the United States military.

The boss wants this Iran thing wrapped up, and apparently firing hundreds of cruise missiles, Patriots, THAAD interceptors and other expensive-ass shit means we are starting to run low on them.

I don’t want to hear any pissing and moaning. You people should have seen this coming.

We destroyed Iran’s military months ago. [Then we destroyed it again](https://www.duffelblog.com/iran-plans-blockade-of-american-blockade-of-iranian-blockade/). Then a third time. Unfortunately, they keep showing up for work, so we may have to destroy it several more times before they understand that they’ve been destroyed.

So I need every commander in every service to conduct a [hands-across-America](https://www.duffelblog.com/space-marine-oh-think-job-cool-try-police-calling-zero-gravity-2/) sensitive-items inventory immediately.

Somewhere out there is a Tomahawk you thought somebody else signed for. I want that motherfucker.

Maybe there’s an air-launched cruise missile being used as a picnic table at [Minot](https://www.duffelblog.com/minot-air-force-base-launches-search-for-missing-minuteman-nuclear-missile/). Or there's some Navy chief out there [with three TLAMs](https://www.duffelblog.com/atlanta-braves-cruise-missiles/) shoved behind a paint locker because moving them would require updating a spreadsheet. Perhaps there's an [Army warrant officer](https://www.duffelblog.com/warrant-officer-awarded-medal-of-honor-for-showing-up-on-time-and-in-uniform/) sitting on six THAAD interceptors since 2019 because nobody ever specifically asked him about them.

Check, goddamnit. I want to physically see the missile.

And don’t come back telling me something is “accounted for” because it appears on a property book.

If the hand receipt says you have 12 and there are 11 sitting there, congratulations: We are all staying until somebody finds number 12.

I don’t care if the guy who signed for it PCSed four years ago. Get him on the damn phone.

To encourage honesty, [we’ve placed amnesty boxes](https://www.duffelblog.com/soldier-avoids-ucmj-by-living-inside-amnesty-box/) at installations worldwide. If you have an unauthorized high-end munition, just put it inside. No questions asked.

![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/fa/9c/fa9cd1d4-6369-4dde-bbf0-3755aa4734dc/content/images/2026/08/e13671ad-1b75-4c71-b06e-33ed838d23ac-3.png)

I don't care if you took a JASSM home as a souvenir or if your squadron has been using an SM-6 as a coat rack. Maybe you found a [Patriot interceptor](https://www.duffelblog.com/air-defense-friendly-fire/) behind the barracks and were afraid to say anything.

Today is your day.

It doesn't matter how it got there. We just need it back.

And before anybody asks: Yes, missiles displayed outside headquarters buildings count. There is no such thing as a “ceremonial Tomahawk” anymore. Not when China exists.

This isn’t just about Iran. We need enough weapons left over [to deter China, ](https://www.duffelblog.com/china-builds-island-in-pearl-harbor/)defend Taiwan, defend Guam, defend Japan and fight whatever other war we accidentally discover we’re already in by then.

People keep telling me long-range munitions production requires years of industrial planning, specialized supply chains, and sustained procurement.

Bullshit. Have you checked the motor pool?

Frankly, I don’t like this any more than you do. I’ve got things to do. But the old man says we’re staying here until we have [enough missiles](https://www.duffelblog.com/indo-pacific-commander-hides-hellfire/) for Iran, the Pacific, and whatever comes next, or until everybody stops [asking about the Epstein files.](https://www.duffelblog.com/trump-vows-to-sacrifice-as-many-soldiers-as-it-takes-to-distract-from-epstein-files/)

I don’t need to tell you which requirement I expect us to meet first.

So when I dismiss you, I want to see assholes and elbows. Check every office, bunker, hangar, ship, warehouse and wall locker in the Department of War.

And if anybody finds a pallet marked “DO NOT INVENTORY — CENTCOM,” leave it exactly where it is and call me personally.

I’ll be in my [office doing pull-ups](https://www.duffelblog.com/hegseth-daily-pt-solved-military-problems/) if you need me. This strategic logistics bullshit has interfered with my PT program long enough.

🖊️

***Bull Winkle** **is a writer and amateur phrenologist who is available to make your next party, birthday, wedding or pointless war super fun.*