By Off the Beaten Path

TAMPA, Florida — The Coast Guard has finally rendered its opinion on Row v. Wade by offering support for both pro-beach and pro-water camps, sources confirmed today.

“We want every American to know that we support them in their choice of summer activity. Their body, their choice!” exclaimed Chief Petty Officer Charlie Yates.

According to Yates, the Coast Guard noticed a lot of debate over the matter and decided that the American public needed to know where the service stood on rowing vs. wading. “We wanted to do our part to let the community know the pros and cons of either choice,” said Yates.

“Some of our Coasties are so religious about kayaking and shoreline fishing that we completely forget about the separation of church and sta… I mean, church and work.”

The original announcement of the “Summer Fun in the Sun” program quickly gained attention from local, state, and federal officials, mostly due to the carefree nature and personal bias of the Coast Guard’s opinions on the subject.