Minnesota National Guard reports situation is ‘Real serious doncha know, no foolin’

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Minnesota National Guard units mobilized in response to ongoing protests report the situation on the ground is “Serious, dangerous, and just downright uncivilized.”

“Oh yah, hey,” Captain Lina Linasdotterson said to reporters earlier today. “Is it crazy out there? You betcha. However we’re doing our best to reduce violence, stop looting, and provide safe places for all our residents to donate to NPR. We have instituted a curfew, but that’s been ineffective. There's no hockey to watch if they go home.”

The National Guard has tried to calm the situation down by showing presence and dispersing looters. Tactics include foot patrol, tear gas, and MRAPs driving the streets blaring the music of Prince. Critics claim the National Guard presence is inciting more violence because they're not spending enough time waving goodbye.

“We all want a peaceful resolution to this matter, I tell ya” Linasdotterson said. “The whole situation makes me want to scream, for Pete's sake. I’d like to invite all the protest leaders to sit down and talk over some lutefisk and a nice hotdish. I’m not sure if that’s possible in this climate, which is just a darn shame. There’s enough cocoa around the fire for everyone.”

Linasdotterson continued. “There were reports that all the arrested protesters were from Wisconsin,” she said. “That turned out to be false, but if only.”