Point/Counterpoint: 1stSgt, guess what happened? vs. I murdered the last clown who made me play guessing games
The following is a Point/Counterpoint debate about the circumstances surrounding the various acts of malfeasance in your unit over the weekend. The Point will be presented by everyone on the blotter report and the Counterpoint by your 1st Sgt who is contemplating ending his career in an epic multi-state killing spree.
POINT: "What happened was..." COUNTERPOINT: "Your fetal alcohol syndrome finally caught up to you."
POINT: "I didn't think..." COUNTERPOINT: "That's a given Einstein."
POINT: "We were trying to see if we could..." COUNTERPOINT: "Wait, I can feel a small stroke coming on."
POINT: “We started drinking and..." COUNTERPOINT: “You know, every time you drink alcohol it magnifies your genetic propensity for idiocy tenfold. Every time one of you does something this stupid it takes a year off my life.”
POINT: “I didn’t know she was married.” COUNTERPOINT: “Is that why PMO picked you up in base housing with no drawers?”
POINT: “But she doesn’t love him anymore...” COUNTERPOINT: “Right, and when she gets bored again she won’t love you anymore either.”
POINT: “I was just...” COUNTERPOINT: “Naked. You were naked, which is why this is now a sexual assault investigation. Congratulations.”
POINT: “We thought it would be funny if...” COUNTERPOINT: “What’ll be really funny is the look on your face when we put you in the brig.”
POINT: “The weapon just went off.” COUNTERPOINT: “No shit? That must be why you’re in my office! We need to get you signed up for the space program.”
POINT: “Well, I was the designated driver...” COUNTERPOINT: “And that was the last thing you remember.”
POINT: “The Mental Health Doc said...” COUNTERPOINT: “That you really didn’t deserve the trophy like the rest of the kids on your team.”
POINT: “She's slept with half of the guys in the barracks already so...” COUNTERPOINT: “So you thought it was ok if you threatened to rape her? News flash, women don't think that's hot. This is the kind of jackassery that creates in me an uncontrollable desire to commit violence on your person.”
POINT: “I lost my ID card and...” COUNTERPOINT: “I notice you didn’t lose your friggin’ phone though.”
POINT: “I thought I was the only guy she'd been with..." COUNTERPOINT: “Your fiancé is a stripper whose stage name is 'Cinnamon Cavern,' yet somehow you're mystified you've contracted gonorrhea. Here's a crazy idea, stop having unprotected sex. Not only do you spread STDs but when two morons have a baby all they end up doing is producing someone twice as stupid as their parents."
POINT: “I had my knife out and..." COUNTERPOINT: “That’s when you discovered your head was wired directly to your ass.”
POINT: “So that's when I took a picture of my junk and sent it to...” COUNTERPOINT: “I would beg you all to stop taking naked pictures of yourselves, but the utter humiliation you receive as a result of this poor decision eclipses any punishment the command could formulate.”
POINT: “We were in the smoke pit around 0300 when...” COUNTERPOINT: “You were visited by the Ghost of Christmas Dumbass. You are all giving me colon cancer, just stop it. Also, I hate all of your mothers.”
Duffel Blog correspondent Dick Scuttlebutt contributed reporting.