- Duffel Blog
- USMC plan to "kill ships from islands" frustrated by Lance Cpl. plan to "kill sh!t right here."
USMC plan to "kill ships from islands" frustrated by Lance Cpl. plan to "kill sh!t right here."
PLA 'bout to get wrecked by 160 lbs of Monster, Copenhagen, and tattoos
Hightower: “Hey kid, how badass would it be to jam this in a motherfucker’s face?”
OKINAWA, Japan - After years of internecine squabbling amongst active and retired general officers, Marine Corps leaders advocating for the revolutionary changes in the plan called Force Design 2030 emerged victorious. Opposition to the plan seemed to fall away once FD2030 champion and current Commandant of the Marine Corps, Gen. Eric Smith was confirmed following the retirement of creator Gen. David H. Berger. But FD2030 may have finally met an enemy who can do what a legion of retired generals could not. Senior Lance Cpl. Jake Hightower says he is, “[N]ot trying to kill some shit I can’t see, I’m’a kill some shit right here.”
Predicated on “long-range, unmanned systems that infiltrate the adversary’s weapon engagement zone; dispersed formations of manned and unmanned ships that challenge adversary targeting; and the adoption of disruptive technologies”, FD2030 revolutionizes how the Corps will fight China in the Pacific island chains and is supported by the Secretary of Defense and the US Congress. Hightower, currently on his second deployment to Camp Hansen, Okinawa as part of the Unit Deployment Program, is not sold.
“Check it out, fam. Sure, ‘stand-in forces to control maritime terrain, integrate with allies and partners, and play an out-sized role in competition‘ sound good to some old-ass general. But I’m all about beating down a motherfucker with another motherfucker, feel me?”, asked Hightower, an 0311 Infantry Rifleman and Squad Leader with a crippling addiction to Copenhagen and Monster energy drinks.
Asked whether institutional opposition from Marines like Hightower poses an issue, Gen. Smith was undeterred, “I get it, there’s nothing I want to do more than choke slam some communist face first into the ground, then turn his head into a paste with a claw hammer. But any time there’s data that says we need to change to be modern, more lethal, or ready, I’m in favor of that, and I’m committed to change wherever change is required.”
Standing on the third deck catwalk of the First Battalion, Second Marines deployed barracks at Camp Hansen, Okinawa, Hightower remained unconvinced. “Like, no shit, ‘self-funding required hard, sometimes unpopular decisions.’ I got that shit, dog. You want to ‘[t]rade some motherfucking ‘lower priority capabilities for approximately $15.8 billion worth of high priority investments that create advantage on increasingly complex battlefields?’ Cool, bitch. I’m all about that. How do you think I paid to get my Raptor lifted? Priorities, motherfucker. That truck represents about three months where I never even seen Tobie’s, for real.” Hightower paused to swallow a mouthful of dip spit before continuing, “But for real, for real? I came here to locate, close with, and destroy a motherfucker, not fly some bullshit drone. I get the chance to stab some People’s Liberation Army dude, I am taking it. I ain’t trying to shoot some robot at a ship.”
Whether Smith can truly win over a constituency made up of Lance Cpl. Hightower and “his boys” remains to be seen. But Hightower is not wholly opposed to FD2030.
“We were on this Air Force plane on the way to Oki? And there was this Air Force chick that was the loadmaster or whatever? If it’s her, I am all about some ‘Deeper integration and synchronization with our sister services’, no cap. Loadmaster…ha-ha…hell yeah, dog.”
Thunder Chicken likes puppies, long walks amongst flowers, and conducting sea denial in designated areas in support of the naval campaign with available organic means, as well as naval and joint kill webs, helping to bring all-domain effects to bear when needed.