Study: Infantry Battalions Commanded By Females More Likely To Stop For Directions, Arrive Late

JACKSONVILLE, NC — Marine Corps officials released the results of a month-long wargame earlier today, claiming that the study has proven women are capable of serving in combat positions.

The wargame, dubbed Operation Irrational Rage, was planned days after Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta opened combat roles to women. Lt. Col. Jordan O’Neil commanded 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, tasked with finding and destroying an enemy outpost hidden somewhere in the countryside. O’Neil was chosen for combat command after distinguishing herself by replacing physical training with Zumba classes, outfitting her Marines with different uniforms so no one could argue who wore theirs better, and replacing MRE’s with salads and pints of yogurt.

O’Neil organized a long distance recon, during which she made her Executive Officer, Maj. Brad Gramble, carry her rucksack and open jars. Unconfirmed sources say she also refused to wear camouflage face paint, claiming it didn’t match her eyes.

"She also said her feet were hurting," said Gramble, "so she commandeered a Humvee but ended up driving it into a ditch." She screamed in frustration, prompting her Marines to mutter, "must be that time of the month."

Still, there were setbacks.

That night three Marines were killed in a freak bear attack. Only a day later, Private First Class John Metz awoke to find he had been demoted in the night. When he asked why, LtCol O’Neil only responded, “You know what you did.” The battalion was ordered not to speak to PFC Metz until he apologized.

The next day, O’Neil screamed at Maj. Gramble for leaving the seat up on the ammo box used as a toilet. Although he apologized a dozen times, he wasn’t forgiven until he found some flowers and gave her his MRE crackers and jalapeño cheese.

Finding the objective, O’Neil and Gramble developed a plan of attack. The battalion prepared to attack at midnight but had to wait three hours for O’Neil to get ready.

O’Neil led the assault and won a crushing victory, demonstrating that women are just as capable in combat as men.

To celebrate the operation’s success, O’Neil organized a mandatory shopping trip where everyone was ordered to buy several sets of boots they would never wear. While her Marines shopped, O’Neil sulked and complained nobody noticed her new haircut.