Tag: Election 2016

Military absentee ballots delivered one day late, would have swung election for Clinton

On November 9, 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources confirmed today that hundreds of thousands of military absentee ballots were delivered hours after the deadline for them to be counted, with preliminary counts showing that they would have overturned the vote in several states and brought a victory for Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton. Officials say the ballots were delivered late due […]

Election Day early-voting polls show ‘Asteroid’ leading with military voters

By Paul Sharpe

On November 8, 2016

PENTAGON — Early-voting and exit polls of military service members on Tuesday show that Asteroid is leading in key battleground states. As millions of Americans head to the polls to cast their ballo

DARPA to reanimate Eisenhower’s corpse in time for presidential election

By W.T. DOOR

On November 3, 2016

THE PENTAGON — The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is attempting to bring President Dwight D. Eisenhower back to life, sources familiar with the top secret plans say. “Let’s be honest,

Obama frantically working to confiscate guns, institute Sharia, and turn military against its own citizens

By Erik Sullivan

On October 10, 2016

WASHINGTON — Only weeks before Americans decide whether their next president will be Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, sources say President Barack Obama is frantically working each day and night to finally confiscate everyone’s guns, institute Sharia law, and turn the military against its own citizens. “I was going to start by declaring martial law in […]

Military hospitals still struggling with mass casualties from presidential debate drinking game

By Erik Sullivan

On September 28, 2016

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Womack Army Medical Center is still struggling to cope with the influx of patients into its overflowing emergency room, which sources say is due to soldiers playing a drinking gam

New survey of US troops reveals horrifying actual opinions of service members

By Bert Brrrrt

On September 27, 2016

The results are in! Duffel Blog’s annual political opinion survey of active duty service members is being released today, and it shows diverse views across the services in 2016, ranging from c