Environmentalists Applaud Army Move To Replace Humvee Fleet
Washington, D.C. – Today in a joint statement at the Pentagon, the U.S. Army and Greenpeace announced a unique partnership which they say is mutually beneficial. The announcement to replace the aging fleet of High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicles (HMMWV) came as no surprise. The choice of vehicle to replace them, however — made quite a splash.
“We have decided that we can fight our nation’s wars in a cleaner — and more environmentally friendly way,” said Colonel Robert Ingraham, “and what better way to do it than with the Toyota Prius.”
The Prius, a fully hybrid electric car from Japanese automaker Toyota, can get over 50 miles per gallon. It also has a perk which makes it a highly tactical vehicle without modification, says Ingraham.
“It’s extremely quiet. You could drive this car right up the ass of al Qaeda and they wouldn’t even hear you until you it was all over.”
The vehicle has passed its first set of tests at the Aberdeen Proving Grounds and is now in limited use in Afghanistan. The reaction from troops in the field has been somewhat timid.
“What the hell kind of garbage is this? Is this a joke?” asked Specialist Michael Jones. “A f–king Prius?”
Another soldier, Sergeant First Class James Jensen, offered a different view.
“Yeah — it’s a little weird. But I sort of see it as a positive thing. The Taliban hasn’t shot at us once since we’ve been driving around in these things. I think they kind of feel sorry for us.”
And Greenpeace couldn’t be more thrilled, noted spokesman Dan Watson.
“This is just a small step to a cleaner environment. If the Army doesn’t mind doing things a little slower and in a really ugly car,” he says, “then we have a good chance of swaying the rest of the public to adopt greener ways.”
“Green is our color,” said Colonel Ingraham, “and so our tactical vehicles should reflect that.”