MCLEAN, VA – After instituting a get-tough policy on drunk drivers at the Quantico Marine Corps base, commanders believed they would be ridding the roads of drunk drivers. Instead, they’ve found themselves in the crosshairs of a federal lawsuit. According to the Marine Corps Times, a federal judge “has now tossed out five DWI cases against Marines after ruling that their constitutional rights were violated.”
Marines onboard Quantico were quite satisfied with the ruling. With beer in hand, Lance Corporal Ethan Thomas was elated.
“It feels pretty good to know that we won’t be charged with double jeopardy if we get caught driving out there,” said Thomas. “Anybody want to go into D.C.? I’ll drive.”
The ruling means Quantico officials have had to change their policy regarding drunk drivers. The original policy meant that Marines could face non-judicial punishment as well as trial in civilian courts. Now, commanders will have to choose.
“Marines are held to a higher standard,” said Judge Advocate Captain Michael Eli, “if they violate the rules, they should face NJP, court martial, civilian trial, hold a sign that says ‘I’m an asshole’, and be put on working party.”
But attorneys defending the Marines in the case said it makes no sense to single out Marines for multiple punishments that civilians would never face. The federal judge agreed.
Duty NCO Sergeant Elliott Rodriguez said this could mean trouble. “I’m not getting any freaking sleep tonight, that’s for sure. I’ll have the MP’s calling every 5 minutes, saying ‘Hey, we got another one.’”
When asked about driving after drinking a few beers, Lance Corporal Thomas answered, “It’s ok bro. I was just kidding. We’re going to take a bus.”
At the time of this story, MCB Quantico had 38 DWI’s at the front gate. Lance Corporal Thomas happened to be one of them. He was caught with a stolen government bus, filled with 12 Marines, 26 strippers, 158 beers, “more condoms than could be counted”, and a horrid stench of vomit.
There’s no word yet on whether he will receive civilian trial, NJP, or wear a sign that says “I’m an asshole”.