Taliban Cameraman Beheaded For Forgetting To Praise Allah In Video

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Helmand, Afghanistan – A camera operator working for the Taliban’s Information Warfare Ministry was killed today in southern Afghanistan. A Taliban spokesman claimed that the camera operator, Mohammed Abad, disgraced Allah during a recent filming of a martyrdom operation.

In the Taliban video, which was obtained by TDB, it shows a lone man, donning a suicide vest, and attempting to blow up a crowded marketplace. As the man draws near to the Helmand market, you can see the crowd begin to move away and eventually run. A witness at the scene, Abu Salim, tells us why.

“The guy smelled like crap,” Salim says in his native tongue while holding his nose, “it was like he burned dog poop and rolled around in it. It was that bad.”

The video continues, and you can hear camera operator Mohammed Abad start to curse and get frustrated.

“What the hell? Where are they all going?” he shouts, “I told that idiot to shower.”



In most Taliban propaganda videos, it has become the standard procedure of the camera operator to follow the suicide bomber with a shaky camera, praise Allah repeatedly, and edit in extremely cheesy graphics like missiles flying into a map of Israel, for example. In this video, however, it becomes clear that Abad takes a different path.

“He actually was very steady with his camera work, which is really not what we do,” said Taliban Spokesman Omar Abdullah, “and then he starts talking crap about the martyr. So the martyr, Achmed Aziz, peace be upon him, smelled and didn’t actually get to blow anyone up but himself. That doesn’t mean you need to talk shit about the poor guy.”

After the suicide bomber detonated his explosive vest, the video shows a cloud of smoke around the area. No one was killed or injured, and this makes the Taliban camera operator extremely angry.

“What a stupid idiot,” Abad remarks about his partner. After the explosion, when traditionally it is customary to hear, “Allah Akbar”, meaning “God is great”, we instead hear something very different from Abad.

“Achmed you smelly moron. Obviously Allah forgot to cover up your stench.”

Abad later returned his video to Taliban commanders, forgetting his remarks were captured on film. Minutes after they watched the video, they determined that he must be beheaded.

“Allah Akbar. That’s all he had to say,” said Omar Abdullah, “but he wants to talk smack. We can’t have that around here. It’s bad for our image.”

 

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Paul

Paul is a former Marine grunt with eight years of experience -- specializing in snapping necks and cashing checks. He enjoys blowing things up, making people laugh, and hardcore gangster rap music.