WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pentagon announced today that the Navy will be installing strip clubs and bars aboard all aircraft carriers. The unusual move comes at a time when budget cuts loom and the public has questioned the need for extravagant military spending.
Commander Ethan Granger, a Navy spokesman, explains:
“The time has come for the US Navy to face the facts and come up with innovative solutions to the problems we face. The first thing Sailors do when they hit shore is to patronize the local strip club and bar. By being proactive, the Navy can keep this behavior on board and avoid problems with drunken Sailors getting in fights on shore. We are also pleased to announce that the profits from these activities aboard our ships will go directly towards the Navy’s budget.”
Public watchdog organizations have praised this move as a sign of the times.
“We are glad our armed forces are taking the initiative and making responsible changes amid our financial crisis,” says Kenneth Johnson, representing The Center For A Responsible Future For America.
Sailors at large support the new move as well. “It gets quite boring on long tours. I think this makes for a great way to keep people occupied,” said one sailor, speaking on condition of anonymity.
The new move does not have total support however and some worry that it only serves to ‘promote immoral behavior’. CDR Granger dismissed this criticism, stating “Our sailors would be doing this whether or not it is on or off a ship. It really changes nothing.”
But what about the possible breakdown in discipline by allowing alcohol on board?
CDR Granger has thought of everything, and calms fears from TDB and others: “We have considered instituting a ten drink maximum so that sailors don’t get too out of hand.”
The Navy has not said yet whether the strippers will be Naval personnel or civilian contractors, but Granger says, “Both options are on the table.”