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Citing OPSEC Fears, DoD Bans Tapout Clothing For All Military Personnel


WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing concerns over operational security, the Department of Defense has implemented a policy prohibiting all military personnel from wearing Tapout clothing, including t-shirts, hats, and accessories, when out of uniform.

The new policy went into effect Thursday on the recommendation of a council led by Dr. James Miller, Principal Deputy Under Secretary of Defense for Policy.

“Even though Tapout gear is incredibly tacky, that’s not what this is about,” Miller said in a press conference. “Admittedly, as a mixed martial arts enthusiast, I take personal issue with fat soldiers walking around with ‘Tapout’ on their chest, when they can’t skip rope for five minutes, let alone step in a locked cage against a trained fighter. And to me, whether you’re fat or fit, if you don’t know the difference between an omoplata and a gogoplata, then you just look like a jerk in a Tapout shirt. But at the end of the day, we’re primarily looking at our troops’ safety.”

Miller stressed that the ban stems from concerns about Tapout gear and operational security, or OPSEC.  According to a DoD press release, OPSEC is defined as “seemingly harmless information that adversaries can use to develop intelligence against our forces.”

Miller said that officials were concerned that Tapout clothing “could give the enemy a big-picture idea of how many military personnel are in an area, where they go in their off time, and what kind of asinine garbage they spend on their money on. Basically, if I go to a movie theater and see a bunch of Tapout shirts, I know two things: one, there must be a base nearby, and two, with all these posers around, I’m probably the best fighter there, pound for pound.”

Miller said that a defense working group was sent to San Diego, California, Fayetteville, North Carolina, Jacksonville, North Carolina, and San Antonio, Texas to observe people in Tapout gear. The group went to shopping centers, bars, and Dave & Busters, and asked people wearing Tapout clothing whether they were in the military. The working group’s data indicates that 1 percent of the people interviewed were civilian mixed martial artists, 15 percent were local douchebags, and 84 percent were active duty military.

“84 percent is a big deal,” Miller said. “Even though this wasn’t a formal study, we can’t sit by and do nothing. Not too long ago, I went to a mall outside of Joint Base Lewis-McChord on a Friday night and thought I was in the middle of a UFC Fan Expo. And I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that not one of those guys could throw a switch kick, or counter a basic double leg, or maintain an appropriate range against a fighter with a reach advantage. Also, don’t forget the OPSEC.”

Many military personnel are not pleased. Spc. Frank Alvarado, who is assigned to the 82nd Airborne Division at Ft. Bragg, said, “This is bullshit. I wear Tapout because it’s an expression of who I am. I’m a soldier, but I also train UFC.”

Miller said that the working group will be sent out to identify other possible OPSEC concerns, such as skin-tight Under Armour workout shirts worn at bars and restaurants, high-and-tight haircuts, and civilian wives so overweight they make the passenger side of the couple’s Honda Civic dip when they get in.

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  1. I am a marine. I was actually on active duty back in the day now I just keep the WD-40 on the rocking chair runners. My active duty time was before we had rifles and stuff like that. We were the guys on the ships that were supposed to jump across to the other ships and beat the snot out of who ever was there. That was so the officers could look over the cargo and confiscate what ever they thought shouldn’t be there. Sometimes were more fun than others because often guys on the other boats would have knives and swords and stuff and that sorta sucked. When we would tell the higher ups that we didn’t think that was fair cause we weren’t equipped with those sort of weapons, ROE you know, after all we were marines and somebody might accidently hurt themselves or others we coined a phrase (code name) for what we thought was politely declining the invitation we would all say in unison “TAPOUT, TAPOUT”. well, as you might have guessed the officers mis-construed our intent and promptly strung us up on the yard arms. That is where the term “hung marines” originated. Well that’s about all the time I have for history and tradition today. I hope this helps.

  2. Bend Over and Rob get the award for being the two dumbest fucking bags of rocks on this entire planet. It’s a joke, kinda like you’re both jokes but way less funny than this sad but true article…..wear all the Tapout gear you want “cagefighter,” lord knows you’ve earned it (more sarcasm you most likely missed.)

  3. The wife comment was the best. When I was stationed Holland guys would bring Dutch civilian women on base. As a cop I had to right day passes for them at the gate. One in particular was so freakin’ big and ugly I swear they sat her in chair and built her Civic around her. Her car was always leaning to the left. Cool it with the Tap out t-shirts people.

  4. “and civilian wives so overweight they make the passenger side of the couple’s Honda Civic dip when they get in.”

    LOL! Yes!

  5. What amazes me is the number of dumbasses that have commented on this as if it weren’t satirical.

  6. 18 years in the Navy and finally a blog dedicated to a sense of humor I truely have grown to love

  7. While we are at it, can we ban the purchase of Ford Mustangs and Dodge Chargers with MOTO stickers on them?

  8. ACCSUP is going to include Affliction, Extreme MMA (Walmart) and fake glasses that let you impersonate a Finanace weenie.

  9. Duffleblog, et al.

    Keep up the great work! It took me about a paragraph (maybe, two…sigh) for me to catch on when I read my first article here. Your articles are funny and spot on (especially the wives with rank!). But, sad to say, I think the comments are even funnier…I hope I don’t spoil the fun but suggesting these people catch a clue.

    Thanks again for the laughs!

  10. Is this site a freaking joke. You guys are assholes. Your stories all all made up. No one would really say or put what you say these guys or girls are saying. What a waist of time. You are giving false info to everyone. Like the Pentagon would waste their time giving us wives special “ranks”. Really?!! C’mon??!! Stupid! U guys are so ignorant, and are the people that make the military look bad.

    • If you read this and took it serious, maybe you should look in the mirror and question your own cranial capacity. Better yet, please wear a pink Tapout for ease of identification for the rest of us.

    • “Is this site a freaking joke”…..uh…duh. Yes, that is is point. Lighten up and enjoy it with tongue in cheek.

    • Chrissy, I understand it was “your time of the month” but you really are batshit crazy, aren’t you??? Maybe some fresh air would help? I recommend meds, preferably the ones that don’t make you dumb for fear they would have no effect on you. Best o luck to ya!

    • No bitch you are the ignorant one, thinking that this is a real news site…try reading comprehension, that way we won’t be laughing at you.

    • Chrissy, go back into your dependacave, you’re making the rest of “us wives” look bad. At least some of us know a joke when we see it, and read the “about” section of a site before commenting.

    • Chrissy S was obviously never in the military. This is one reason I love this site so much. Also I hate you for making me waste so much time on here.

  11. The Duffelblog is the standard to which all other satirical news sources are held. Even The Colbert Report. ‘Nuff said. 😀

  12. I would like to make a public service announcement to everyone who is to fucking retarded to figure this one out on their own. “The Duffelblog” is a comedic news source. In other words for all you fucktards its just a joke, please stop asking if the articles “are for real”.

      • Yeah, seriously. This retards that think the article is real are almost as entertaining as the article itself.

        But seriously, I wish this was real.

  13. Walmart needs to stop selling these for $8.88! ( Which is too affordable for the lower ranked servicemen). Obese wives haha! Talk about OPSEC

  14. As a Soldier, I totally agree. The guys that truly are committed to mma, bjj, etc., dont wear that crap. Pretty funny observation.

  15. Im a soilder in the army but I was a cagefighter before I joined this is bull shit yeah I hate fat people walking around in them to but damn banning it wrf

  16. Who gives a damn if people cant or can “tapout” someone. If they want to wear it then they should be able to wear it. Just another way the damn goverment is trying to take away simple liberties and the populace is to dumb to know any better or fight for their rights. The people behind this can just take a kendo stick in the ass.

  17. Guess we should ban vans clothes because they are not tony hawk. Ban billabong because they are not a pro surfer, and my fav….ban true religion clothes as religion should not be endorsed by the government or it’s employees…..cough chaplains

  18. Maybe we shouldnt have to cut our hair a certain way or shave everyday, I dont recognize military by what they wear but by there hair and appearance. He just has a vendetta against Tapout as stated in his comments.

  19. Lol, I’m not buying this at all. This reminds me of when that “Warrior Companion” thing started floating around.

  20. @Andrew McLaughlin – as I am fond of saying – you can take the guy out of the military – but you can’t take the military out of his hair….LOL

    Guess the next ban needs to be the “Fill in branch of service here Wife” stickers too – the car acutraments – etc.

    • THIS…Oh I cannot wait on that article. Could you imagine….Dependopotami having a reason to cry on the internet! It would be glorious!!!

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