Intelligence Section Produces High-Quality Bullshit G-Had May 12, 2012 Marine Corps 11 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: FOB DELARAM, AFGHANISTAN – In the mountains of Farah Province, a dismounted rifle patrol from 3rd Battalion, 25th Marines prepares to depart the wire. Rifles are loaded, gear is checked, immediate action drills are rehearsed. Lastly, and most importantly, the patrol gets a brief from their 0231 Intelligence Analyst, Corporal Oscar Jimenez. “Intelligence shows that all Afghans are pedophiles. You should get a young boy to accompany your patrol; if you get into a firefight, you can use him to cover your escape while the Taliban are sodomizing him.” Over the six months since they first arrived in Afghanistan, the men of the 3rd Battalion, 25th Marines Intelligence Section have repeatedly honed their skills at producing top notch bullshit. For example, Corporal Jimenez has a list of high value targets that he acquired from the International Security Assistance Force Headquarters in Kabul. Every day he briefs his company on relevant targets, like Taliban leader Mullah Omar or Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri, in case his Marines encounter them in the local marketplace. Like many other intelligence non-commissioned officers, Corporal Jimenez recently graduated from a three-month entry-level course at the Navy-Marine Corps Intelligence Center, where he studied topics like the maximum effective range of a T-72 tank and Integrated Air Defense Networks — all highly-relevant for a counter-insurgency environment. Corporal Jimenez also keeps a hopelessly out-of-date database on key leaders that he inherited from the previous unit. “We’re tracking both the good guys and the bad guys,” emphasized Corporal Jimenez. “For example, Mullah Salluh is the go-to guy for the Alikozai Tribe in this area,” he said, referring to a mullah who was gunned down by the Taliban three months ago. Corporal Jimenez isn’t the only motivator there. Lance Corporal Scott Huddleston always makes a point of including animation in his briefs, which he believes helps add a touch of humor to the day. “These Post-Blast Analyses are usually such a downer,” said Lance Corporal Huddleston as he worked on an after-action report where the Taliban had detonated an IED at the entrance to a patrol base. “Look how I made the Taliban do the moonwalk to where he emplaces the IED!” he proudly exclaimed, referring to the April 7 incident that killed two Afghan policemen. But, besides briefing their own companies, the battalion’s intelligence section has plenty of other fudging to do. Every day the 1st Marine Regiment requests a Daily Intelligence Summary or DISUM, from the battalion. “Daily analysis is extremely important, since it lets the regiment know what its units are up to,” said Corporal Jimenez. “I used to just copy old reporting off Intellipedia, but then I came up with a Mad Lib that I’ve been using for the past three weeks. No one’s complained yet, and I can spend more time playing Mafia Wars!” Two years ago, Lieutenant General Michael Flynn, the senior intelligence officer in Afghanistan, wrote a blistering report that argued the “U.S. intelligence community is only marginally relevant to the overall strategy.” Since then, Marine Corps Intelligence units have worked to change that opinion. “My Staff Sergeant told me that I have to start using Text Shadow, since it helps my key points stand out,” said Corporal Jimenez, working on one of his many briefs. “This will really help Marines understand my analysis that the entire Taliban are actually Russian intelligence agents.” David May says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM “Look how I made the Taliban do a moonwalk” LOL! Priceless. Lucian DeMarco Assoc Aia says: February 26, 2014 at 12:54 AM why is satire so hard for some people to grasp. Joe Fish says: February 26, 2014 at 12:54 AM I’m going to work long and hard to perfect that moonwalk feature in PPT. Also, If I could only figure out how to integrate the information regarding pedophiles and make it relevant to an artillery unit…. Wes Thurmann says: February 26, 2014 at 12:54 AM “Intelligence shows that all Afghans are pedophiles. You should get a young boy to accompany your patrol; if you get into a firefight, you can use him to cover your escape while the Taliban are sodomizing him.” – I’m really starting to love this site! Cunning Linguists Inc. says: February 26, 2014 at 12:54 AM God, if only this were not true. TDB, you’re supposed to be writing SATIRE! That’s why we come here! If I wanted to see bullshit like this, I’d just switch screens and look at my daily brief! Unlike! Kirsten Corrao says: February 26, 2014 at 12:54 AM “I used to just copy old reporting off Intellipedia, but then I came up with a Mad Lib that I’ve been using for the past three weeks. No one’s complained yet, and I can spend more time playing Mafia Wars!” Oh, if only this were a joke. Troy R. Stull says: February 26, 2014 at 12:54 AM Hey as a former Army 35F I’ll set you straight, our analysis is always 100% accurate. We can’t be held responsible if the enemy is too dumb to be where they’re supposed to be. Fucking Taliban… always screwing up our analysis. Joe VanBiber says: February 26, 2014 at 12:54 AM Please, please, please let at least part of this be a joke… I was Intel for 1stLAR in southern Afg and we could always tell the higher echelon units who didn’t do their job. Most of “their” stuff was copy>pasted from us and they would just change the logo. We had fun putting some “easter eggs” into the stuff to make them look like asses (which I guess they never found) and call them on their BS. Luke Shabro says: February 26, 2014 at 12:54 AM “Like many other intelligence non-commissioned officers, Corporal Jimenez recently graduated from a three-month entry-level course at the Navy-Marine Corps Intelligence Center, where he studied topics like the maximum effective range of a T-72 tank and Integrated Air Defense Networks — all highly-relevant for a counter-insurgency environment.” Hahahaha. I taught at NMITC for 4 years and I find this to be hilarious and appropriate. You guys kill me. How did I not catch this back in May? Dusty Larson says: February 26, 2014 at 12:54 AM Unfortunately, a lot of this is fairly accurate. Uniformed military intelligence people are seen as the bottom rung in the intelligence community. However, enlisting in military (not just Marine Corps) intelligence is the only way for contractors and federal employees to get their leggings in the intelligence community, outside of getting the few and highly competitive internships by the CIA, FBI or NSA. This results in a culture of high school graduates coming in for the clearance and minimal experience, then leaving after only 1 enlistment for better pay and quality of life. Meanwhile, military intel is bloated up by careerists who don’t have the experience but lat moved for the bonus, telling junior guys to change font sizes on PowerPoints and not focusing on actual analysis or collection. From personal experience, organizations such as the State Department and CIA don’t use PowerPoint for briefing or intel products because they hinder thought and distract the audience from the point being made. Analysts just about everywhere else have college degrees and their products are held to an academic standard, with little regard to “pretty formatting.” Mike P says: September 26, 2012 at 7:17 AM Ahhh. Some things never change.