Boredom, Liver Cleanliness Determined Cause Of Death In Okinawa Barracks Tragedy
Camp Foster, Okinawa – The Marines of Barracks 5718 were shocked after learning of the tragic death of one of their comrades this morning. Corporal Peter DeWitt, a Marine with Engineering Maintenance Company, CLR-35, had been found by his roommate, unresponsive on the floor. Medical staff later pronounced him dead on the scene — from a phenomenon known as ‘liver cleanliness’.
Friends of Cpl DeWitt say he had recently had his Gold Liberty Card revoked for arriving to work thirty seconds late, and had been playing gratuitous amounts of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 despite an Internet connection that is reported to be “spotty at best.” He was also reprimanded by his command and told he could not consume alcohol anymore, when they determined a hangover was the cause of his tardiness.
Unable to leave base or go to the Enlisted Club to consume his usual, excessive amount of liquor with local women, his liver began to slowly heal over time. It began piecing itself back together and recovering from months of sustained abuse. Medical professionals determined that this sort of recovery was “simply too outstanding for his body to take.”
Dr. Yoshi Yamamoto, a physician with a local Japanese hospital, explains this strange occurence:
“It is common for foreigners to our island to engage in extreme sorts of alcohol consumption due to our lack of entertainment geared toward an English-speaking audience. It has historically been easier and more profitable for us to open a ridiculous amount of bars and nightclubs near American bases.”
When asked about blame in this tragic death, he pointed the finger at the Marine’s command. “Everyone knows that you can’t simply stop a Marine from alcohol consumption. The typical liver may be able to stop drinking almost whenever, but enlisted Marines stationed in this area adhere to a different set of physical laws entirely.”
The Marine’s superiors defended the decision to cut off Cpl DeWitt cold turkey. “We were aware that it was a risky move, but honestly, we never thought he would listen,” said Staff Sergeant Andrew Johnson, “It’s so easy to just buy a couple six packs and say they belong to your roommate. Being dry around here typically means you can only drink in your barracks room.”
His platoon commander, 1st Lieutenant Malcolm Ingraham, agreed. “I mean, if anything he could have just gone downstairs and gotten some from the junior female Marines whenever.”
The Company First Sergeant reflected a similar stance, “That’s what I do when I visit the BEQ. Get some, I mean. Oorah! Get it?”
Despite the decision, after a week alcohol-free, Lt. Ingraham tried to lift his spirits, saying he had bought the Marine some beer shortly after meeting with the Company 1stSgt. “I can’t believe he never touched it, but that’s what I expect of an NCO in my unit. He proved his obedience and valor here. His death wasn’t in vain,” he said with a tear in his eye, and with a calculated amount of mourning in his voice.
A medical examiner determined the initial slip into unconsciousness was caused by utter boredom, but his body was unable to deal with the stress of having no foreign materials in his system, slipping from minor coma to catastrophic liver failure.