NEW YORK, NY – Late last night the Onion News Network editorial offices were rocked by a surprise attack from masked gunmen assaulting from helicopters. Witnesses reported two UH-60 Blackhawks hovering over the building with approximately fifteen personnel fast roping down, sweeping the building, kicking in doors, and clearing room to room.
Jim Thomas, an insurance broker who works at a building across from The Onion, was working late and saw the series of events unfold.
“It was unreal. I saw the helicopters and thought it was just a military exercise or something. Then some guys jumped out. Next thing I knew they were in the building and I saw flashes from guns and grenades.”
He continued, “People started screaming and running around but everywhere they went, there was another gunman there. It’s like they were trained to do this type of thing. The police showed up within minutes, but by the time they got to The Onion offices, the gunmen had already jumped from the building into the waiting helicopters. I don’t know why they did it, but at the end they threw a green duffel bag out of the window down to the street.”
NYPD policeman SGT Trent Bingham commented on the aftermath of the scene. “These guys knew what they were doing. They moved deliberately throughout the offices with precision. I don’t know where they could learn this sort of thing — they sure didn’t teach us any of that stuff in the academy.”
In a press conference, New York City Police Chief Martin McDougal informed reporters of the carnage. “No one was left standing. As far as the duffel bag, it was full of red smoke grenades and leaflets that spread to the ground when it was dropped. The leaflets said ‘The Onion is the civilian version of the Duffel Blog.’ We’re not sure exactly what this means, but we’re investigating.”
Duffel Blog’s creator, a shadowy individual who only goes by “Paul”, released a brief statement to Stars & Stripes and This Ain’t Hell regarding the events.
“Duffel Blog doesn’t get compared to other groups, other groups get compared to the Duffel Blog. Enough said.”