Terminal Lance Creator Revealed To Be Sergeant Major Of Marine Corps G-Had May 30, 2012 Marine Corps 41 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: CAMP LEJEUNE, NC – Enlisted Marines everywhere were stunned this week after learning that the creator of enlisted-life comic strip Terminal Lance is actually former Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Carlton Kent. The story broke after an alert data specialist at Camp Lejeune noticed that the IP address for the Terminal Lance website was actually the same one used by the retired sergeant major’s work computer. Upon being questioned by a Duffel Blog investigative reporter, Sgt. Maj. Kent admitted that he had created the comic and was continuing to post weekly updates on the Terminal Lance website. According to the Sgt. Maj., he came up with the idea back in 2009 with then-Commandant, Gen. James Conway. “We’d been getting a shitload of negative feedback over all the safety briefs we were subjecting our Marines to,” said Kent. “I mean, you can only listen to so many of the fuckers before you just tune them out.” “But you devil dogs wanna keep crashing your brand-new crotch rocket motorcycles that you just bought with 18% APR and then killing yourselves after your wife leaves you cause you’re 20 grand in the hole and eating dog food every night. So bottom line is we needed a new way to reach out.” “I said to General Conway, ‘Man, it would be fucking great if we just had some comic that all the E-3’s read, and we could just insert our messages into that.’ Conway looks at me and says ‘Shit yeah, Sergeant Major, I think you’ve got something there’. And so the idea for Terminal Lance was born.” According to Sgt. Maj. Kent, writing under a pen name was essential. “No one’s gonna listen to dumb ole’ Sergeant Major, especially the Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps, but they will listen to a fellow Lance Corporal, so that’s who I had to pretend to be. ‘Maximilian Uriarte’ is actually an anagram for ‘Do Your Leading Marines MCI’. I’m amazed no one caught it earlier. Then we hired some combat camera guy as our front man and made a bunch of videos of him with his nuts hanging out.” While most of the strips are routine ‘enlisted-life-sucks,’ Kent does point to some key issues. “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was a big one,” he says. “We had all kinds of polling saying that Marines were dead-set against repeal, and that doesn’t make us look good. So we ran a strip saying the Marine Corps is already gay, so what’s the difference if it’s open? Then just before the repeal we put out a strip about how gay Marines wouldn’t be letting our boots dress so stupid, because everybody hates a stupid boot. End result: we’ve got gay Marines serving loud and proud and no one’s complaining!” Kent said he was currently working on the recent media scandals involving Marines. “We’ve got one where we make fun of all the bullshit Nazi-wannabes, cause nothing changes behavior faster than public ridicule. We also did one after the pissing incident, where we just reminded Marines not to put shit on YouTube, because even I like to piss in a dead Taliban’s mouth once in a while.” The retired sergeant major also detailed the possibility the strip might branch out to other ranks. “Let’s face it, we have a lot of stupid lieutenants out there. Maybe we can get Abe and Garcia a lieutenant who’s a total jack-off and teach our lieutenants proper command techniques through him.” For all his success, Kent was unsure about the long-term survival of Terminal Lance. “I’ve been trying to get Sergeant Major Barrett into it, but he just doesn’t have the right mindset. He tried doing one the other day where Abe’s feeling suicidal and calls the DStress hotline. Come on, you know that shit wouldn’t happen,” Kent said. “Abe would call it because he’s drunk dialing and winds up hitting on the operator, and says he’s going to kill himself if she doesn’t come over and blow him. Fuck, anything that gets Marines to put that number in their phone, right?” Don't miss the next story.Get the latest news and alerts from Duffel Blog delivered to your inbox—free. Short URL: http://duffelblog.com/vWRDx Cody Pollock says: November 30, 2014 at 12:13 PM This is the funniest DB article in months Tillman Keadle says: November 30, 2014 at 12:13 PM ‘Maximilian Uriarte’ is actually an anagram for ‘Do Your Leading Marines MCI’. Ha! Ron Petroski says: November 8, 2014 at 10:28 PM gomer pile maybe but dam its an insider Jay Ryan Christians says: October 5, 2014 at 7:14 PM Of course this is a joke, Sgt Major Kent would not publicly admit to crimes of war (pissing in the mouth of an enemy body). The only thing that makes this believable is that a higher up is taking credit for the success of a junior enlisted. Joshua Aslan Smith says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM This is right up there with “The onion is a civilian version of the DuffelBlog.” Fletchr Odaal says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM epic Chris Herrick says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM shit bag Adi Jayanto says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM My whole life is a LIE… Jeffrey Leary says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM This is some awesome shit! Randy Puraty says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM Myth often displaces reality. Jayson Pihajlic says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM Jason are you sure dude? I mean it does sound legit and all… David Mauk says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM abe calls the dstress hotline…. “come on. that shit wouldn’t happen” lol. Michael Guzinsky says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM “I’ve been trying to get Sergeant Major Barrett into it, but he just doesn’t have the right mindset. He tried doing one the other day where Abe’s feeling suicidal and calls the DStress hotline. Come on, you know that shit wouldn’t happen.” Fucking. Hilarious. Ernie Jimenez says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM WOW! Jeffrey Leary says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM @Jason Sakowskii No fucking shit! Kevin Winters says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM This is BS. Terminal Lance was created by Maxi… Ha Ha Ha. Got you. I know this is satire. You guys were all ready to flame me, weren’t you? David Hillman says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM It’s too bad this isn’t true, cause it would’ve been genius if it had been. Joshua Stout says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM Awesome! well played Sgt. Maj…. well played…. Jere Hodges Jr. says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM Joke or not, I’d never seen the strip before, and now that I have, it’s funny as hell. Thanks! Joshua Maida says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM This is completely unbecoming of a Sgt Maj. The fact that he would not only put out this propaganda but also be it’s chief contributer and author is an affront to the service and dedication of generations of Marines. I am ashamed to be associated with this ‘man’. Sarcasm off…. Michael Hasbun says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM That is hilarious.. and amazingly, some people STILL haven’t figured out this is a joke site… I love people… Matthew Fertal says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM leading from the front. Scott Collins says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM This is satire, right? Some days I have a hard time telling with you. I am 75% sure this is satire. Jennifer Bauman says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM Dude, I’ve met this guy, doesn’t strike as the kind to have an imagination, so this must be a joke hahahahah. Malcolm R Keim says: February 7, 2014 at 4:39 PM no fucking way! CommO says: September 20, 2012 at 1:33 AM Funniest thing I’ve read in a while. And to chris tillman: DoItFaggot!!!!! Stuid_America says: August 13, 2012 at 3:57 PM I went indefinite… I retire next July…. BAM! Still in says: July 27, 2012 at 11:55 AM This is bullshit. Terminal lance has been around since before 2009 chris tillmann says: May 30, 2012 at 4:54 PM this is so amazing i might re-enlist. Paul says: May 30, 2012 at 6:04 PM DO IT. NO BALLS. The Dude says: June 27, 2012 at 4:25 PM You can’t no balls someone if you haven’t done said thing yourself. Paul says: June 27, 2012 at 5:49 PM Actually I did reenlist… I did 8 years. Got out in 2010. Nonya says: July 22, 2012 at 2:47 AM Three years from retirement says NO BALLS.