Aberdeen Proving Ground, MD– Following the world wide release of Marvel Comics “The Avengers”, the US Army has decided they need to make film special effects into a battlefield reality. A high-ranking individual in the Army’s “Think Tank” has gone on record as saying that “it seems doable.”
The film, which is based on a comic book by Marvel, features a group of individuals that come together to fight the battles that are too big for others. The line up of the team is Captain America — a regular soldier given a “super soldier” serum and becoming our best, Thor — the Thunder God from Norse mythology, Iron Man — A billionaire genius in a high-tech suit of armor, The Hulk — a science experiment gone wrong where the madder he gets, the stronger he gets, Black Widow — a sexy super spy, and Hawkeye — a master marksman that prefers a bow and arrow.
We recently sat down with a source at U.S. Army Public Affairs who agreed to an interview. The Army Captain, who wished to remain anonymous, tried to show us how this was so simple even the Army couldn’t screw up this recipe for awesomeness and destructive capability.
Duffel Blog: First off, thank you for your time and for speaking with us about this.
Army Public Affairs Officer: No problem. We’re excited about this project. And I couldn’t help but give away some spoilers.
TDB: Indeed. So shall we just go through them one by one and you can tell me the Army’s plan to make it happen?
PAO: Sounds great.
TDB: Captain America
PAO: We give some steroids to an officer. Seems simple enough.
TDB: The Hulk
PAO: Same steroids, we just give them to a Marine… and rabies. Steroids and rabies. Again, seems simple enough.
TDB: Iron Man
PAO: Really the only thing impressive with this guy was the suit. And I mean, we’ve been working on a mech type thing since “Aliens”. You really think we haven’t made any headway on that front? We’ve just been looking for a good time to field it. Now we just need to find someone with a smartass attitude. And we know those aren’t in short supply anywhere in the Army. This whole thing isn’t too far off from the “Land Warrior” system we’ve been throwing around for a long time now.
TDB: You got me there. Moving on. Black Widow.
PAO: You are gonna give us the chance to make public something we already have? Great. Plus we’re gonna use this one for recruiting. Do you know how much our forces, and other things… are going to swell because of this one? Eh? EH?
TDB: Uhh…. Ok. Hawkeye
PAO: We’ve got marksmen all over the place. Don’t we have some Special Forces bow and arrow course or something? We have a course for everything else. Falling out of the sky. Sliding down a rope. Eating bugs while playing hide and seek. We’ll just make the course and see who is the best at it. Then boom, we have an archer.
Then we hit the snag in the interview. What is holding the Army back from making and fielding this unit that it seems would gain us the ultimate advantage in the field?
PAO: This is the one that is kinda hanging us up right now. The whole “lightning power of a God” thing is tricky. Plus the invulnerability and a few other things. The main problem though? The hair. It’s WAY out of regs. We’re concerned that if we say cut it, it’s like Samson and we lose his power. But we can’t just let him run around like that either. We’re currently trying to figure out a way to float over the female standard from AR670-1 and make that apply just to him. Plus come up with something for the beard. We figure though, when is this guy ever gonna have to put on a Pro-Mask? So we’ll let that part slide or just make up a special reg for him lumping him in with Special Forces. And really, the Special Forces thing, it kinda fits. But after we get that through, we should be good to go.
At this point, we were awestruck. The casual manner that this gentleman had just blown through how they could field an elite fighting unit composed of the stuff of legends had us impressed. I think my source may have expected this though because he continued on to fill in where I was left without words.
PAO: I know it’s all a little mindblowing. But after seeing the movie, we thought to ourselves, why can’t we do this? It seems do-able. Hell, when we went out into the rank and file to get some opinions — as soon as we said “super soldier program” we had a line formed that we hadn’t even asked for yet. Granted, now that we have lifted the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, we also had an unexpected line form for the Black Widow role on the team. But we are all about equal opportunity in the military now so everyone is welcome to apply for all positions.
We’re going to work through the bugs and get this thing going. Maybe accepting the lowest bidder for the Iron Man suit wasn’t the best idea, but we are confident the soldiers can make it work once they get it in the field. Maybe we shouldn’t have already been trying out different “super soldier serums” on soldiers in all those “vaccinations” you get before deployment. And maybe we shouldn’t have given rabies and steroids to a guy that had a LOT of anger issues and TBI. But we’re gonna work through it all and who knows where it will lead? Me personally? I’m thinking about getting an eye patch. Ooh! And becoming black!