Advice Column: Ask Top, Your Non-Friendly Neighborhood First Sergeant (Ep.1) Paul June 18, 2012 Advice, Ask Top 26 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: “Ask Top” is your semi-monthly advice column where you can get the answers to the burning questions you always wished you could ask. Our resident First Sergeant has been in every infantry battle since Vietnam and has banged more quiff than all of you numb-nuts put together. His hobbies include chewing ass, laughing at Second Lieutenants, killing people with his bare hands, and telling soldiers to get their damn hands out of their pockets. DEAR TOP: I’m in an infantry platoon operating in Afghanistan. We’ve had a few engagements thus far, and I’ve noticed that our Lieutenant is always freaking out. Instead of firing back or calling support on the radio, he’s been screaming ADDRAC repeatedly. What the hell does that mean? — ACRONYMED OUT in Jalalabad, Afghanistan DEAR ACRONYMED OUT: First off troop, why the hell are you calling out an LT on the internet? You think I’m going to save your sorry ass? I’ve been in more firefights than your goddamned height in inches. But to adress your question, I think you should know that cherry LT’s are something that you just have to bear. Obviously he’s freaking out over the sound of AK-fire because it isn’t like Call of Duty, and so his shock is making him revert back to his OCS training and throwing out weird acronyms hoping it’ll impress the platoon. You gotta break in your LT right. This reminds me of Vicenza, Italy, 1974 – 509th Airborne Battalion Combat Team. We had an LT by the name of Petra… or I think it was Petraeus or some shit. Being a West Point grad he was trying to be all prim and proper, which is the exact opposite of what a unit like that needed. Before long while we would do our jumps the ole LT would yell useful acronyms like, “fuckin LEG” to all the five jump chump POG’s. I truly knew LT would go far. For future reference, ADDRAC is Alert, Direction, Description, Range, Assignment, & Control. You should’ve already known that from FM 12-17-8. You better read the damn thing before the next Army retention board flushes your ass like the rest of the turds. ———- DEAR TOP: I met a really amazing woman a few weeks ago. She’s gorgeous, really funny, and she’s an incredibly talented stripper. I’m thinking of popping the question. What do you think? — LOVESTRUCK in Fort Hood, Texas DEAR LOVESTRUCK: Wow. That was an incredible story. It even got my dick hard. Since you stupid motherfuckers usually do the opposite of what the old First Sergeant says, I think you should really go for it. I’m sure you probably already screwed this chick — without a rubber of course — because you don’t want to listen to First Sergeant’s safety briefs, now do you? So she actually let you put your pathetic pecker inside her and all of a sudden she’s marriage material. Hell, I can see it from here. So yeah — marry her. Give her all your damn money. Buy her expensive shit. Go on deployment and cry over her as she gives crabs to the next soldier down the line. Oh, and don’t forget to get her a General Power of Attorney to really demonstrate your love. I think that’s as good a plan as any. ———- Got a question for the Top? Submit yours anonymously — whatever it is — to firstname.lastname@example.org and it may be answered next week! Joshua James Cookson says: April 25, 2014 at 1:54 PM LOL, I read this in the voice of one of my old 1st Sergeants, reminds me too much of him. Dean Young says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM That’s good shit. Harland Ross Hoffman says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM awesome stuff! RJ Adams says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Did you guys hire my 1SG for this? EPIC. Michael Hasbun says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM I sense a commentator job on Fox forthcoming… Christopher Gill says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM more first Sargent duffel blogs. James C. Gammage says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM LOL @ the stripper story. “Since you stupid motherfuckers usually do the opposite of what the old First Sergeant says….” LOL! Awesome. Gregory Melartin says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Where the fuck is that cock clustered share button! JF Boisvert says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Hell yeah. Pete Duras says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM This guy reminds me of a 1sg I had at Ft. Bragg. Good advice. Clay Fisher says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Thanks Top! Ira Gene Fisk says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM I can remember a lot of troops down in Panama who could have used a double does of the answer to the second question. Charles Copeland says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM This is great! David May says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Out-freakin-standing! I have one question for the 1SG. What are we going to do about all of these ass-clowns that are pretending to be badasses? Derek Woodson says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM The second on is the truth! hahahaha AskTOP: Leader Development for Army Professionals says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Wait a tick. Something about this column is eerily familiar. Jason Mace says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Haha, this is fucking awesome. Carlos Sippycup Sepulveda says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Is it wrong for me to have read this in my 1SG’s voice? Lonnie Cavenee says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM “Since you stupid motherfuckers usually do the opposite of what the old First Sergeant says, I think you should really go for it.” That was gold. Michael Briales says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Lol, hilarious! Brian Abrahamson says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM 1 SG Eddy Roach ” Who from hell do you hate so much that you would give you a gift to?” Rooster says: October 8, 2012 at 2:55 AM live for your viewing pleasure, three generations of adult entertainers on one stage!!! Betsey Sue, 31, mother of Janey Sue, just turned 18 today, who is 8-1/2 months pregnant with a daughter who will be named Shamiqua Sue! feast your eyes on these lovely ladies as they make money for college and dental work. keep the tips coming, boys and girls! Lthrnek89 says: August 23, 2012 at 1:19 PM Had a guy in our unit who married a stripper…he would bring us to the club to see his wife. We spent all our money on her shaking her assets. He would laugh. Next day, we would all joke with him about having dreams last night about his wife. HA! TOTALLY driving a pimped out BMW…hmmm PIMP. But damn- she was smok’n hot. Sabotage PPK says: August 23, 2012 at 1:29 PM Had a girl in our unit who WAS the stripper. Then she was a pregnant stripper after sleeping with one of her customers. Needed a First Sgt. like this one to set things straight. 32 nd Guards MRR OPFOR says: August 22, 2012 at 1:40 PM What did Loverstruck do with his first 50 cent piece. Married her. Charlie 200 says: June 18, 2012 at 11:34 PM Friggin awesome.