Advice Column: Ask Top, Your Non-Friendly Neighborhood First Sergeant (Ep.1)
“Ask Top” is your semi-monthly advice column where you can get the answers to the burning questions you always wished you could ask. Our resident First Sergeant has been in every infantry battle since Vietnam and has banged more quiff than all of you numb-nuts put together.
His hobbies include chewing ass, laughing at Second Lieutenants, killing people with his bare hands, and telling soldiers to get their damn hands out of their pockets.
DEAR TOP: I’m in an infantry platoon operating in Afghanistan. We’ve had a few engagements thus far, and I’ve noticed that our Lieutenant is always freaking out. Instead of firing back or calling support on the radio, he’s been screaming ADDRAC repeatedly. What the hell does that mean? — ACRONYMED OUT in Jalalabad, Afghanistan
DEAR ACRONYMED OUT: First off troop, why the hell are you calling out an LT on the internet? You think I’m going to save your sorry ass? I’ve been in more firefights than your goddamned height in inches. But to adress your question, I think you should know that cherry LT’s are something that you just have to bear. Obviously he’s freaking out over the sound of AK-fire because it isn’t like Call of Duty, and so his shock is making him revert back to his OCS training and throwing out weird acronyms hoping it’ll impress the platoon.
You gotta break in your LT right. This reminds me of Vicenza, Italy, 1974 – 509th Airborne Battalion Combat Team. We had an LT by the name of Petra… or I think it was Petraeus or some shit. Being a West Point grad he was trying to be all prim and proper, which is the exact opposite of what a unit like that needed.
Before long while we would do our jumps the ole LT would yell useful acronyms like, ”fuckin LEG” to all the five jump chump POG’s. I truly knew LT would go far.
For future reference, ADDRAC is Alert, Direction, Description, Range, Assignment, & Control. You should’ve already known that from FM 12-17-8. You better read the damn thing before the next Army retention board flushes your ass like the rest of the turds.
DEAR TOP: I met a really amazing woman a few weeks ago. She’s gorgeous, really funny, and she’s an incredibly talented stripper. I’m thinking of popping the question. What do you think? — LOVESTRUCK in Fort Hood, Texas
DEAR LOVESTRUCK: Wow. That was an incredible story. It even got my dick hard. Since you stupid motherfuckers usually do the opposite of what the old First Sergeant says, I think you should really go for it.
I’m sure you probably already screwed this chick — without a rubber of course — because you don’t want to listen to First Sergeant’s safety briefs, now do you? So she actually let you put your pathetic pecker inside her and all of a sudden she’s marriage material. Hell, I can see it from here.
So yeah — marry her. Give her all your damn money. Buy her expensive shit. Go on deployment and cry over her as she gives crabs to the next soldier down the line. Oh, and don’t forget to get her a General Power of Attorney to really demonstrate your love. I think that’s as good a plan as any.
Got a question for the Top? Submit yours anonymously — whatever it is — to firstname.lastname@example.org and it may be answered next week!