STURGEON BAY, WI – A Coast Guardsman was taken away from his barracks room in handcuffs today in what their Public Affairs Office has deemed a "bitter irony." After rousing suspicions of the military police, Seaman Apprentice Jay Kwan was apprehended for engaging in music and video piracy.

Commanding Officer Captain Matthew Sibley was mortified over the his conduct.

“This is the single most embarrassing thing our small station has endured. To think that one of our main missions in the Coast Guard is to protect America from piracy… it’s tough to imagine we had such a notorious leader in the pirate movement right in our own ranks.”

Evidence collected so far indicates that Kwan had burned and sold over 11,300 DVDs and CDs full of movies, music, and video games in his career -- making him the most prolific (and only) pirate the Coast Guard has ever apprehended. But this isn’t the first time the Coast Guardsman has been in trouble. In his fourth year of enlistment he was charged, and his rank stripped, for painting graffiti which read “FUCK DA POLICE [sic]” on one of the Station’s four vessels.