BEIJING, China — According to Chinese news agencies, the head of a People’s Liberation Army unit of military hackers is planning to file a formal complaint today with the United States Department of Defense after a number of what were called “disturbing” conversations with “American military perverts.”
Senior Colonel Bo Wang of the People’s Glorious Facebook Battalion is one of thousands of Chinese military personnel who spend all-day attempting to infiltrate the social media profiles of US military and intelligence personnel with fake accounts.
Once a target is identified, the hacker will create a false profile, usually of an attractive member of the opposite sex, and ‘friend’ the target. Over time, a successful hacker can friend almost an entire unit and learn valuable information about military or intelligence plans.
The problem, as Colonel Wang soon found out, is that the majority of his targets are young American servicemen, most of whom only agree to friend requests because they expect sexual favors at some point.
“With a typical E-3 or E-4 target, I usually get requests to exchange naked pictures within the first week,” said Colonel Wang. “At first I thought this was the easiest job in the world, but the requests kept getting more and more explicit. Last week I had a Gunnery Sergeant ask for a picture of me deep-throating a broken beer bottle.”
Colonel Wang further complained about the frequently-graphic sexual requests he receives, which he blames on a society “over-saturated with pornography.”
“Just because I am pretending to be a friendly girl doesn’t mean you can ask me for a rim-job or say you’re going to fuck me in half!”
To make matters worse, an alarming number of his targets are married.
“I’ll have lance corporals posting pictures of them with their wives on their timeline while they’re messaging me about finding a place to hook up. What’s wrong with these people?”
Colonel Wang said that the problem is not just confined to the enlisted ranks.
“I spoke to a 2nd Lieutenant Branum earlier this week, pretending to be a college girl from Texas A&M. All I said was ‘Hello’ and before I could say anything else, he asked if I would piss on his face!'”
“I can’t believe he kisses his mother with that mouth!”
The final straw though, according to Colonel Wang, is that many of the women he encounters are just as bad if not worse than the men.
“I had a female Petty Officer with Signals Intelligence ask me to ‘fist’ her, which I later learned means shove my whole arm up her ass. I almost threw up afterwards.”
Colonel Wang hopes his complaint will convince the Department of Defense to institute more sensitivity training, so that future espionage missions won’t leave his men “dead to the world, eyes glazed over, with no hope for mankind.”
“If I have to look at one more picture of a sailor holding his cock with the caption ‘Permission to Come Aboard?’ I’m going to lose it.”