Chinese Hacker Complains About ‘Perverted’ American Military G-Had June 14, 2012 OPFOR 54 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: BEIJING, CHINA – According to Chinese news agencies, the head of a People’s Liberation Army unit of military hackers is planning to file a formal complaint today with the United States Department of Defense after a number of what were called “disturbing” conversations with “American military perverts.” Senior Colonel Bo Wang of the People’s Glorious Facebook Battalion is one of thousands of Chinese military personnel who spend all-day attempting to infiltrate the social media profiles of US military and intelligence personnel with fake accounts. Once a target is identified, the hacker will create a false profile, usually of an attractive member of the opposite sex, and ‘friend’ the target. Over time, a successful hacker can friend almost an entire unit and learn valuable information about military or intelligence plans. The problem, as Colonel Wang soon found out, is that the majority of his targets are young American servicemen, most of whom only agree to friend requests because they expect sexual favors at some point. “With a typical E-3 or E-4 target, I usually get requests to exchange naked pictures within the first week,” said Colonel Wang. “At first I thought this was the easiest job in the world, but the requests kept getting more and more explicit. Last week I had a Gunnery Sergeant ask for a picture of me deep-throating a broken beer bottle.” Colonel Wang further complained about the frequently-graphic sexual requests he receives, which he blames on a society “over-saturated with pornography.” “Just because I am pretending to be a friendly girl doesn’t mean you can ask me for a rim-job or say you’re going to fuck me in half!” To make matters worse, an alarming number of his targets are married. “I’ll have lance corporals posting pictures of them with their wives on their timeline while they’re messaging me about finding a place to hook up. What’s wrong with these people?” Colonel Wang said that the problem is not just confined to the enlisted ranks. “I spoke to a 2nd Lieutenant Branum earlier this week, pretending to be a college girl from Texas A&M. All I said was ‘Hello’ and before I could say anything else, he asked if I would piss on his face!’” “I can’t believe he kisses his mother with that mouth!” The final straw though, according to Colonel Wang, is that many of the women he encounters are just as bad if not worse than the men. “I had a female Petty Officer with Signals Intelligence ask me to ‘fist’ her, which I later learned means shove my whole arm up her ass. I almost threw up afterwards.” Colonel Wang hopes his complaint will convince the Department of Defense to institute more sensitivity training, so that future espionage missions won’t leave his men “dead to the world, eyes glazed over, with no hope for mankind.” “If I have to look at one more picture of a sailor holding his cock with the caption ‘Permission to Come Aboard?’ I’m going to lose it.” Michael Barker says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Colonel Wang….no offense…. The Illuminati says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Like the chinese have room to talk. Isn’t most of the weirdest porn on the internet chinese anyway? Jeff Cornuet says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM If Col Wang doesn’t rike it, maybe he should reave us arone! Brian Pait says: April 16, 2014 at 1:09 AM Counter-intelligence at it’s finest, haha! Michael Scarbrough says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Yep Steven Francis says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM even if it was true I could see our troops being told to say these things to counter their hacking. Siegfried James says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM If only I could believe this were a joke. It isn’t, though, and if it was meant to be “ironic”, it fails because it is a 100% accurate picture of American service members, what they want and what they concentrate on. Kyla Woolnough says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Hahahahahaha Zhendong Lu says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM counterintelligence? Stephanie Farkas Gault says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM OMG I couldn’t stop laughing… Fantastic article DB… Needle Snax says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Today’s latest from the Duffel Blog. I must ask you all for permission to come aboard. Mohammed Faiq says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM soooo I guess the random hot chick that added doesn’t want an “Alaskan Pipe line” or the “simba”… wth? Craig Lamprell says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Well there shood be a new wepen in the arsseanal big ruber fists thayd not dear attack then. Erick Stone says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM wow,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, really he spies and then complains,,,,,, actually in reality this should be a wake up call for the troops, don’t know if this is true, but it rings of some opsec stories I have heard over time….. word to the wise.. Roddey Michael Coe says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM I’m just glad to know I’m not the only pervert! HOOAH! Robert Walker says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM LMAO LOOKS LIKE WE ARE DOING A GOOD JOB AT ANTI SPYING LOL. Dale Mason says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM I once thought a “Sight”, was a gnat’s ass stretched over a fence post…….Now I think this site is a “Sight”…. Semper Fi Pepe Tandazo says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Lol Michael Schoenewald says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Note to self…… talk really dirty to every random girl who tries to friend me on facebook. Walt Miller says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM OMG! That’s funny! Tiger Justin says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM When a random friends you. It’s assumed they are a fake. Why not have fun with them?? Sisyphus Alfred Bender says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM I’m glad to see that the best conclusion anyone can come up with after reading these articles is how funny it is cause its true. ITS FUCKING SATIRE DIPSHITS OF COURSE ITS “FUNNY CAUSE ITS TRUE” THAT’s WHAT SATIRE IS BASED OFF OF. Jason D Sousley says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM I don’t feel so bad when I asked random girl who friended me if she was interested in giving me a Rusty Trombone then followed up by a Chilli Dog… Kimberly Pratima Bela Kitty Biswas says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM american sevicemen had been asking me for money for thier kids medical services I’m a 61 yearwoman and a diabetic they try ri sweetie to me idonr like it I’m married. Travis Chapin says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Serves the commie bastards right! Jeremy Smith says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Lighten up, Wang. It’s only kinky the first time. Daniel R Phariss says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Goddamn right! Is this fake article? Its too true! Shas'ui Vingolf says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Ok they are trying to get classified information, but bitch and cry when our service members act this way? Really, go cry over a fucking bowl of rice. Sheikh Al-Qassam B says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM maybe you guys have a counter-espionage unit with mission to demoralize the Chinese hackers. Whenever they detect a suspicious IP, for example a hot blonde using some kind of proxy server, it instantly pops up red flags and puts on an especially trained extremely perverted agent who proceeds to demoralizing the enemy. Jay Hanig says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM BWAHAHAHAHA! I feel your pain. (snicker) Elias Alexander Donker says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM AhAhAhahah… Wait- I thought the duffelblog was satire? This is standard. Pat L Roy says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM That hit me right in the truth bone. Awesome work, TDB! Chris Vigil says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM That awesome moment when you realize that even though this is supposed to be a joke, and you realize that it is still probably 100% true. Wenhong You says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Way too funny! Taff Hughes says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM Colonel Wang… the DB does it again. I pity any PLA int guys who get in touch with Brits on Facebook, particularly Royal Marines. They’ll be traumatised for life. Tim Morrison says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM This might be the best article I have ever read on TDB. Paul Lee says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM ROR, THE ENEMY IS SEXTING YOU. Seriously, why would they put up with that when they can just hack your friends accounts and sabotage your lives by creating confusion and paranoia? Imagine the chaos they could create by hacking into your acc and flirt with someone other than your wife / husband / bf / gf? How much damage to morale? Thank you facebook. China roves you rong time. Don Mallen says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM If the damn Chinazis weren’t trying to steal our military, scientific, and industrial secrets they wouldn’t have to be offended by American culture. The fact that these arrogant assholes have the gall to COMPLAIN about the material they steal just shows them for the buffoons they are. I want to complain to the head Chinese fascist about the Chinazi occupation, colonization, and cultural genocide they practice in the independent nation of Tibet: anybody know I can contact the scumbag? Previous postings of mine on various sites defending the US and Tibet and H.H. the 14th Dalai Lama have generated death threats from the Chinazi Internet Hacking Gestapo, as I’m sure this one will. Who do I get to complain to about those? Oldenuf2no says: October 6, 2012 at 10:56 PM He’s just pissed cause he cut his throat on the beer bottle. MattieA65 says: September 9, 2012 at 6:39 PM You’d think they’d at least impersonate Chinese girls. It’d be easier to explain why they typed “browjob.” lewl says: September 10, 2012 at 3:18 AM u want browjob soljaboy Crazy Cracker says: September 5, 2012 at 3:23 PM why did he have to be pretending to be a college girl from Texas A&M? Spc. Smartass says: September 4, 2012 at 2:02 AM Brilliant! Wzrd1 says: August 15, 2012 at 3:26 PM The funniest jokes are ones that have an element of truth in them. Or, in this case, a LOT of truth in it. GI Zhou says: August 7, 2012 at 7:59 PM General Wang is the PLA’s senior Information warfare specialist I shit you not. San Pedro says: July 19, 2012 at 4:50 AM Freaking awesome hahahaha!!!!! Doc Roc says: June 20, 2012 at 3:44 PM Perhaps this is American counter espionage? If enough Chinese get sick maybe they will stop. Ha! Jonn Lilyea says: June 14, 2012 at 9:52 PM I’m glad it’s cool to hate commies again.