POG’s Isolated Lifestyle, Wood Chopping, Brings Little Chance of CIA Mission Tony June 17, 2012 Army 7 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: FAIRBANKS, AK — Leaving active duty can be a difficult transition for some soldiers, but Specialist Chris Tanner has a plan for his future. He’s taken to a rather lonesome and rough lifestyle in the wilderness, hoping to attract the attention of the Central Intelligence Agency. The 23 year-old Human Resources Clerk (MOS 42A) was until recently attached to the 25th Infantry Division, before being placed on inactive ready reserve (IRR) status this past month. “Things were really looking up when I got out,” says Tanner in a recent interview at his cabin. “I was set to finish my active duty stint, my uncle had this place up in the nature preserve here and asked that I look after it, so I did. I thought I had it made.” Shortly after he arrived at the cabin, Tanner realized his new existence wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. “There wasn’t any electricity or running water. My commute and new job weren’t anything to write home about. My girlfriend left me. It was time for a change.” From that point forward Tanner vowed to start fresh, put to use his advanced training as a soldier, and be ready for when “the CIA come knocking on his door.” He prepared in the only way he knew how: He grew a beard and began a daily regimen of chopping wood. “I have all the necessary things I need in order to get the call,” Tanner says. “The isolation and cabin at a minimum gives me the Mark Wahlberg in Shooter angle. The beard adds points, a la Chuck Norris. It took me three weeks to get the proper amount of growth.” He also says that the amount of wood he chops each day gives him a huge edge over Tommy Lee Jones’ character in “The Hunted.” “But still, I haven’t gotten anything. No dudes in suits and dark sunglasses. No mission to save the American ambassador in Budapest. No torrid tryst with Julia Stiles. Nothing.” He sighs, visibly frustrated, before turning back to continue chopping wood. Before leaving, Tanner told us to “watch the woods for any dudes who looked like Brian Cox.” Brian Cox could not be reached for comment. Joe Newcomb says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM I just stumbled across this site, is this like the Onion? Leon Pessotto says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM What did Mark Wahlberg and Tommy Lee-Jones have that this bloke doesn’t? Scott Allen Lachut says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Does anyone else’s computer screen have the share widget screen popping up in front of the text so that you can’t read it and with no way to clear it? Eric C. Schwartz says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Very funny! However, you should use “regimen” instead of “regime.” A regimen is a daily routine whereas a regime is a form of government. Ed Kenny says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM The comments are just as funny as the article. Thanks Jason, Oldud and especially Tony. Jason D Sousley says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM I do believe he needs a teenage daughter to be kidnapped by a rogue memeber of his old office to get him to assasinate a leader of small island nation…just saying. Oldud says: June 17, 2012 at 9:49 AM He was probably not home when the black helicopter stopped by. You have to be there when opportunity knocks.