POG’s Isolated Lifestyle, Wood Chopping, Brings Little Chance of CIA Mission
FAIRBANKS, AK — Leaving active duty can be a difficult transition for some soldiers, but Specialist Chris Tanner has a plan for his future. He’s taken to a rather lonesome and rough lifestyle in the wilderness, hoping to attract the attention of the Central Intelligence Agency.
The 23 year-old Human Resources Clerk (MOS 42A) was until recently attached to the 25th Infantry Division, before being placed on inactive ready reserve (IRR) status this past month.
"Things were really looking up when I got out," says Tanner in a recent interview at his cabin. "I was set to finish my active duty stint, my uncle had this place up in the nature preserve here and asked that I look after it, so I did. I thought I had it made."
Shortly after he arrived at the cabin, Tanner realized his new existence wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
"There wasn't any electricity or running water. My commute and new job weren't anything to write home about. My girlfriend left me. It was time for a change."
From that point forward Tanner vowed to start fresh, put to use his advanced training as a soldier, and be ready for when "the CIA come knocking on his door." He prepared in the only way he knew how: He grew a beard and began a daily regimen of chopping wood.
"I have all the necessary things I need in order to get the call," Tanner says. "The isolation and cabin at a minimum gives me the Mark Wahlberg in Shooter angle. The beard adds points, a la Chuck Norris. It took me three weeks to get the proper amount of growth."
He also says that the amount of wood he chops each day gives him a huge edge over Tommy Lee Jones' character in "The Hunted."
"But still, I haven't gotten anything. No dudes in suits and dark sunglasses. No mission to save the American ambassador in Budapest. No torrid tryst with Julia Stiles. Nothing."
He sighs, visibly frustrated, before turning back to continue chopping wood. Before leaving, Tanner told us to "watch the woods for any dudes who looked like Brian Cox."
Brian Cox could not be reached for comment.