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Advice Column: Ask Top, Your Non-Friendly Neighborhood First Sergeant (Ep.3)

Ask Top” is your semi-monthly advice column where you can get the answers to the burning questions you always wished you could ask. Our resident First Sergeant has been in every infantry battle since Vietnam and has banged more quiff than all of you numb-nuts put together.

His hobbies include chewing ass, laughing at Second Lieutenants, killing people with his bare hands, and telling soldiers to get their damn hands out of their pockets.

DEAR TOP: I’m new to the infantry and my battle buddies told me that CLP is awesome for flogging the dolphin. It does say lubricant in the name, so I think it might be legit, but wanted to get a second opinion from someone who has been in for a while. -HAND SOLO at Joint Base Lewis-Chord, Washington

DEAR HAND SOLO: Why is one of my goddamn soldiers out there jerking off like a sad son of bitch? You should be out there on the town banging chicks so fast you shouldn’t even have the time to pull your pants up. When I was a young soldier  back in ’66, pussy was practically being thrown at my face! Even protest hippie chicks were down for it.

Now some will say it was because I sometimes waved my .45 sidearm in their face after drinking half a bottle of Jack Daniels — but that’s a bunch of crap. I know deep down they were patriotic Americans that want to support the troops the best way they know how — by hopping on the old pogo stick and enjoying the ride.

Now that being said — if you still need to PT your little soldier — your goddamn battle buddies are spot-on. Amateurs use Axe body wash but it tends to leave a bit of a rash. That CLP is one of the best kept secrets in our big green machine. Best lube for masturbation in the world and keeps your dick clean at the same time.


DEAR TOP: I am a thirty-something civilian with an itchy trigger finger and a halfway decent beard. Can I go over there and help you guys kill some terrorists? Thanks. -DISGRUNTLED TERRORIST-HATING PATRIOT in Boston, MA

DEAR DISGRUNTLED TERRORIST-HATING PATRIOT: Oh that’s really cute. You want to help us kill terrorists but your ass doesn’t go over to the nearest recruiting office and sign the fuck up? Where have I heard this one before.. oh yeah..

I’m on R&R from ‘Nam back in ’68. I’m sitting in some bar in Fayetteville. Some civilian comes up to me and wants to talk – starts asking me questions. Finally he says, “Yeah, I always wanted to join but you know…”

I said, no, I don’t know fuckstick. What are we suddenly brothers all of a sudden? You thought about cutting off enemy heads while I was actually doing it? I don’t think so dickwad.

So anyway — back to your original question. The answer is absolutely. You can come on over. Go down to your nearest recruiting office, sign up for the National Guard. You’ll have to shave your beard but luckily you can continue to be a fat-ass and the terrorist hunting permit sticker on the back of your truck will now be valid.


Got a question for the Top? Submit yours anonymously — whatever it is — to and it may be answered next!

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Randall Nice

I never joined the military but I got a sleeve tattoo and it’s pretty much the same thing….I’m a badass

Joey Welsh
I don’t know about the Jerking off situation but when I was an Infantry Drill SGT at Benning 81 -83 in Harmony Church of course we were in the old two story barracks across the overpass after the church going to Victory Pond. Well I lived with my soldiers for at least the first 15 days, hell one man on CQ could never get near them barracks since the troops would have look outs. Now as a CQ DRILL, you were not allowed to watch TV or lay down at all so hell they spent their time whacking of in… Read more »
Tim Heald

While in C co 2/505th PIR many moons ago there was a rumor that someone had actually tried the CLP thing. Apparently his shit swelled up and got all fucked up, who knows.

Jason D Sousley

CLP works for everything, it even tastes good on toast.

Spencer Dawson

I just happen to have a bottle of Outers TRI-LUBE (a commercially purchased CLP) on my desk, and I’m actually slightly worried someone will be dumb enough to take that first “answer” seriously. This stuff contains teflon, petroleum distillate, and amyl acetate. It specifically states to avoid prolonged exposure to skin. That would probably be as bad as using paint thinner.


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