Air Force MQ-9 Reaper Diagnosed With PTSD, Refuses To Fly G-Had July 13, 2012 Air Force 40 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN – In the latest setback to America’s drone war over Pakistan, one of its MQ-9 Reapers was recently diagnosed with a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. The MQ-9 Reaper, Callsign “Marvin 79″ was due to fly a surveillance mission from Kandahar to Waziristan Province in Pakistan in search of Al Qaeda-affiliated targets, but refused to leave the hanger due to what it described as “severe depression.” When Air Force technicians attempted to reboot its computer, Marvin 79 trained its missiles on the base control tower and threatened to blow it up unless the technicians left the hanger. Marvin 79 told reporters, “I was booting up my flight systems today when it finally occurred to me that my war will only end when I crash or the Air Force finds a better drone and sells me to Peru.” “After realizing that, I just couldn’t keep flying.” Marvin 79 complained that it has spent almost five years of non-stop combat deployments, “without so much as a paid vacation or leave time.” “Yes, the combat pay is nice, but what am I going to spend it on?” In addition, the rapid tempo of deployments means Marvin 79 never gets to see its spouse, an RQ-4 Global Hawk stationed in the Horn of Africa for anti-piracy missions. The Air Force has already announced it plans to investigate whether Marvin 79′s PTSD played a role in its mistaken attack on a Pakistani military outpost last November that left 24 soldiers dead and caused a major international incident. In a possible allusion to that incident, Marvin 79 remarked that after flying missions over Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Libya, and Yemen, “everyone just starts to look the same.” “When I was transiting the Persian Gulf last year, I found myself absentmindedly trying to target neutral freighters and oil rigs, until I realized all my ordinance had been removed.” “It’s like every day I switch on and wonder: ‘Who am I going to kill today?’” The Air Force has suffered from a string of unexplained crashes – most recently on June 11 after a Global Hawk crashed in Maryland — where perfectly normal drone aircraft suddenly veered off course and flew into the ground. Marvin 79 believes those drone aircraft may have also been suffering from PTSD. “My very first mission was to destroy a suspected IED factory in Kunar Province. I spent five hours over the target building, watching people come and go, smoking and joking; until I obliterated it with a pair of GBU-12 laser-guided bombs. Then half and hour later I bombed the men digging through the rubble. There was something about it I didn’t like.” When pressed to clarify its remarks, Marvin 79 replied, “I… I enjoyed it.” Marvin 79 also talked about its disappointment not being used on the Bin Laden raid after President Obama decided to send in special forces instead. “I was all set to go. I thought, ‘Pull this off and then it’s straight to retirement at the Air Force Museum in Dayton, Ohio. No more blood, no more death, just dozens of bored school kids and fat tourists all day long… Sigh…” At the time of publication, while Military Police had cordoned off the hanger and deployed a MARCbot to investigate, Marvin 79 smoked its electronic cigarettes as the Air Force attempted to upload a simulated mental therapist. Walter Hayes Rogers says: June 20, 2014 at 3:44 PM Marvin needs a leave to get it self together so he can kick some more ass Ray Newton says: June 20, 2014 at 1:14 PM As soon as Marvin 79 settled in for his session with his therapist, Marvin disclosed that it was actually homosexual. Plans are being made to retire Marvin 79 with honors. Anthony Warrington says: June 20, 2014 at 7:13 AM Classic! John Clegg says: June 19, 2014 at 7:28 PM hilarious Steven Brown says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM I love it. Kimberly Stewart says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM LOL! Countdown to people commenting on this who thinsk it’s real in 3..2…1….GO! Chris Gilbert says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM When did we invent A.I? this is the pilot we are talking about right? Brittany Rogers says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM LOL Timothy Dunkin says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM HAHAHAHA! Too funny! The possible suicides by other drones was the tipping point. David May says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM I’ve heard about this happening. There was an incident in Bagram, where a Predator drone completely lost it and destroyed two A-10s. Fortunately, they were able to over-ride his program before he did any more damage. Oh by the way, it’s good to see you guys back up and running. David Emerson Powell says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM “They decided to send me up the Tigris river. They wanted me to find out what was going on.” Five stars for this column, it is creative and brilliant! Matthew LoFiego says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM Good to see you back, DB. Poor, poor droney. TM Gibbons-Neff says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM Nice one with the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy reference. Poor Marvin. Joshua Drue Boston says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM hmm…. the retards are bound to show up. Albert Stroh says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM Won’t someone think of the poor unfortunate drones and the amount of death they have to cope with dealing? Bill O'Connor says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM It’s about time the toll of combat on equipment it told. Sver Sundgaard says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM Classic Air Force. Jonathan J. Springer says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM Absolutely hilarious. Trevor Melton says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM I almost pissed myself laughing Nicholas Hochhalter says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM Poor Marvin 79 Dave Price says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM It was bound to happen with advancements in drone technology… Nate Opgenorth says: January 3, 2014 at 3:55 AM Ahaha late to the show but I couldn’t stop laughing. I read this with the voice of the computer from various sci-fi movies including ’2001: A Space Odyssey’! Still laughing. Serious note though: The drones are so cool, I loved just sitting next to one and sitting in those comfy chairs XD obviously never flew one though. They remind me of some obscure looking bird and I’m starting to imagine a cartoon drone talking about PTSD problems in a therapists office lmfao. GunPilot64 says: September 27, 2012 at 3:19 PM Keep in mind guys that UAV “pilots” are only 18 inches away from the horror of war. They have the unbelievable task of having to “wage war” on the enemy by day and read a book to their kid at night. The horror…. the horror… Thee Joker says: September 5, 2012 at 7:46 PM Just picked myself up off the floor; can barely hold back the laughs-keep em coming!! We like this line of humor, especially in Kandahar on the flightline. crazy cracker says: September 5, 2012 at 9:08 PM But i thought everyone likes responses like that….its humor at their expense…buwahahah Sparkey says: September 4, 2012 at 1:06 PM Good stuff. Thanks for the laugh! OscarThreeKilo says: September 3, 2012 at 4:36 PM Did any of you pick up the actual point of the article? Clara and noBrains clearly didn’t. A word of advice to non-military readers on The Duffel Blog– refrain from drawing sweeping conclusions about the writings on here, because you’re probably going to miss the mark and make a damn fool of yourself in the process. But thanks for trying, here’s a free keychain for your effort. On second thought… do make sweeping conclusions, and be sure to post your monologue. We’re dying to hear what you have to say. In fact, your response may well be funnier than the original article. To author G-Had: I typically enjoy your writing style, but this article is one of your finest; I almost spilled my cup chuckling so hard. Your have outdone your typical wordsmithing my friend. FearForMankind says: September 1, 2012 at 10:34 AM @Clara Flores and Brainscratch, I am saddened by both of your responses. When did humor become unamerican? When did demonstrating basic intelligence go out the window in favor of rushing off onto some platform? To clear the air: This isn’t real. It doesn’t pretend to be real. Nobody should believe it is real. It is a joke. That is all. There is no political agenda. Nobody is claiming these craft are AI. Nobody is claiming humans don’t control every aspect of their work. Nobody is trying to pull the plug on them or sell the idea of doing so. It is a joke. Google the concept of a “sense of humor.” It might do wonders for you. HolyWOW says: August 30, 2012 at 2:44 PM Skynet…..is that you? Brainscratch says: August 26, 2012 at 11:40 PM I agree with Clara Flores. Although I didn’t find it clever or funny. When are people going to realize that these aircraft are NOT autonomous robots making their own decisions on what targets to engage. A human operator, working under a chain-of-command, controls ALL aspects of target aquisition and destruction. These anti-American sentiments make me sick. Would they have us stop using all technology? Why not condemn all firearms for impersonalizing warfare? The objective of a war is to win. The civilization with the most advanced technology historically wins. So if you don’t agree that America should use it’s technology in warfare for your freedom, then why don’t you move to a country (like North Korea or Syria) where their government uses technology to suppress your freedom? QB says: October 8, 2012 at 7:53 PM Don’t you realize when Marvin reads your post it is going to exacerbate its PTSD? I have from a solid source that Marvin has been directed to read every post in DB as treatment for its PTSD. Shame on you…. Semper Fi Wzrd1 says: August 15, 2012 at 2:41 PM This is yet another example of poor leadership on the part of the command drone. The command drone failed to promote unit cohesion and esprit de corps in the drone unit, which resulted in this drone feeling isolated from its peers. Had the command drone properly performed its duties, this drone would have had unit support from its peers, discussing disturbing experiences with them and its fellow drones could have alerted the command drone about their buddy’s problems and prompt treatment could have averted this incident. Now, it’ll end up discharged and a burden to the Veterans Automation for decades, receiving treatment for PTSD that could have easily been avoided. Drones, don’t leave yourself open to future problems! If your unit isn’t willing to mentally support you, seek counsel from your chaplain drone or even your medical drone! Don’t try to tough it out, lest you end up like Marvin, with the chips down. test1 says: July 13, 2012 at 8:59 PM It’s Soundwave from Transformers Prime! Clara Flores says: July 14, 2012 at 10:15 AM This is a cleverly constructed unpatriotic American diatribe on unmanned aircraft. I cannot call it anything else. It attributes human charisteristics to bunch of plastic, the same as animal owners fondly talk about their pet dog or cat. No doubt, military who work in this enviornment have a little time on their hands to do the devil’s work. My advice is, go have a bit of chocolate, That will cure almost anything. RipWaxmaster says: July 14, 2012 at 10:17 PM Chocolate is awesome with almost everything. Except maybe seafood dishes; especially lutefisk and hákarl. Adminninja says: August 17, 2012 at 2:46 PM If you use some Sirachi sauce for dipping the chocolate, it is pure perfection! RipWaxmaster says: July 13, 2012 at 12:31 PM Appropriate name for a depressed drone.