FOB SHIELDS, AFGHANISTAN – In an effort to move past cultural scandals involving U.S. military members in Afghanistan, members of the 28th Infantry Brigade Combat Team recently hosted a traditional luau at their Forward Operating Base.
But tragically, what began as a way to bridge the gap between the Afghan people and the Hawaii National Guard unit ended in riots and what has been described as “a massacre.”
Sergeant George Liebman, an infantryman with B Co, 1-158th Infantry, witnessed the events.
“Well, my unit is part of the 28th IBCT, but we’re actually from Arizona. Some of the guys from Hawaii decided that a luau would be the perfect way to create a renewed friendship between us and the locals. It’s some kind of Hawaiian tradition or something. So they put this pig in the ground which had to cook for about 13 hours. Then we went out on a foot patrol inviting all the village elders and shop owners to come to the base for the luau. We couldn’t exactly explain what a luau was, so we told them it was like a tribal festival with lots of food and friendship.”
The invitation was welcomed by the villagers, with over two-hundred showing up at the base.
“I don’t know who decided to put this all together, but they really didn’t think it through,” said Liebman. “As soon as them Hawaiians took the cover off the pig and lifted it up, the locals all started freaking out. Some elder started shouting ‘Harem, Harem!’ which I think means ‘what the fuck?'”
“All the young guys started screaming and throwing rocks. We tried to settle them down, but before we knew it we had a full scale riot on the FOB.”
Specialist Max Garcia believed the soldiers had no choice but to defend themselves.
“Our only option was to open fire. I mean, we yelled ‘ALOHA MEANS FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE’ as we were shooting, but I don’t think anything we said mattered at that point in time,” said Garcia, “mostly because damn, the .50 cal is loud!”
By the end of the riot, there were approximately 50 Afghans wounded and 15 dead.
The local tribe has condemend the actions of the 28th as purely evil and pagan, saying that the US was trying to force Satan himself upon the locals. The pig was left unnattended during the firefight, during which it began to rain, causing a delicious pork runoff to seep into the village’s ground water around FOB Finely Shields.
The 28th has decided not to reveal this information to the village elders.
[Editor’s Note: You’ll notice the unit designation is a fictitious one. This is at the request of the real Hawaii NG unit who are soon deploying overseas.]