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New Army Physical Fitness Test To Incorporate Yoga Event

Saint Louis, MO – Out with the old and in with the…older?

A significant change is coming to the Army Physical Fitness test: the push-up is being replaced by the Adho Mukha Svanasana pose, also known as the downward facing dog.

The change was suggested and implemented by Arow-Bicks Defense Fitness Technologies, a fitness company contracted by the DoD to improve the current PT test.

“The Army was really concerned about a high incidence of shoulder injuries resulting from push-ups,” said Brendan Waggins, the Arow-Bicks manager in charge of the PT improvement program. “To address their concerns, we decided to take out push-ups altogether and implement the downward dog.”

The 38-year-old Waggins, with a slight build accentuated by a form-fitting tye-dyed shirt and black spandex capri pants, demonstrated the new exercise in front of a room of reporters. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees, took a deep breath, and then pushed his body up into a rigid “L” shape.

“Notice how taut my buttocks are initially, and how loose they become as I settle in to the pose,” Waggins said. “This position will help soldiers keep their hips loose, which will prevent injuries and also allow them to be receptive vessels for the sun god Surya.”

Waggins went on to lecture about holistic technologies currently in the experimentation phase, included the placement of energy crystals on dog tags, and  viewing auras.

“Yeah man, the crystals will provide a natural barrier against dark energies emitted from the enemy,” claimed Waggins as drinks a wheatgrass shot. “Soldiers that have excelled in the basic practices of Surya Yoga are even being taught how to view one’s aura, which is an excellent tool in determining good and evil, effectively breaking through the fog of war.”

Duffel Blog investigative correspondents attempted to contact the U.S. Army Physical Fitness Center and School about what to expect in regards to scoring standards, but only received an off-site voice recording stating that all electronic devices have been banned from the center [Temple] due to the possible inteference of natural flowing ambient energy fields, and that those olive drab foam sleeping pads will now serve a dual function as a Yoga mat.

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Charles Harris
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

That is a yoga pose? At first, I thought he was getting ready to re-enlist.

Celeste Fick
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

ERMAHGERD I KANT BELEIVE DIS!

Matthew Serra
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

hahahaha

Fast Attack Jack
Guest
Fast Attack Jack
3 years 8 months ago
As a former Navy Scubie Diver, I used to be in pretty top shape. I remember going to my wife’s gym and doing an aerobics class that she thought was so tough. Well, I jogged the mile and a half to the gym, did the hour aerobics class, then lifted some weights and then jogged home. The class did add a nice change up in my routine, but it was hardly anything compared to what I went through in Diver training. That being said, while I know this is satire, I suspect that Yoga probably does have some benefits that… Read more »
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