New Army Physical Fitness Test To Incorporate Yoga Event

New Army PT Test To Include Yoga

Saint Louis, MO – Out with the old and in with the…older?

A significant change is coming to the Army Physical Fitness test: the push-up is being replaced by the Adho Mukha Svanasana pose, also known as the downward facing dog.

The change was suggested and implemented by Arow-Bicks Defense Fitness Technologies, a fitness company contracted by the DoD to improve the current PT test.

“The Army was really concerned about a high incidence of shoulder injuries resulting from push-ups,” said Brendan Waggins, the Arow-Bicks manager in charge of the PT improvement program. “To address their concerns, we decided to take out push-ups altogether and implement the downward dog.”

The 38-year-old Waggins, with a slight build accentuated by a form-fitting tye-dyed shirt and black spandex capri pants, demonstrated the new exercise in front of a room of reporters. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees, took a deep breath, and then pushed his body up into a rigid “L” shape.

“Notice how taut my buttocks are initially, and how loose they become as I settle in to the pose,” Waggins said. “This position will help soldiers keep their hips loose, which will prevent injuries and also allow them to be receptive vessels for the sun god Surya.”

Waggins went on to lecture about holistic technologies currently in the experimentation phase, included the placement of energy crystals on dog tags, and  viewing auras.

“Yeah man, the crystals will provide a natural barrier against dark energies emitted from the enemy,” claimed Waggins as drinks a wheatgrass shot. “Soldiers that have excelled in the basic practices of Surya Yoga are even being taught how to view one’s aura, which is an excellent tool in determining good and evil, effectively breaking through the fog of war.”

Duffel Blog investigative correspondents attempted to contact the U.S. Army Physical Fitness Center and School about what to expect in regards to scoring standards, but only received an off-site voice recording stating that all electronic devices have been banned from the center [Temple] due to the possible inteference of natural flowing ambient energy fields, and that those olive drab foam sleeping pads will now serve a dual function as a Yoga mat.


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20 Comments

  1. As a former Navy Scubie Diver, I used to be in pretty top shape. I remember going to my wife’s gym and doing an aerobics class that she thought was so tough. Well, I jogged the mile and a half to the gym, did the hour aerobics class, then lifted some weights and then jogged home. The class did add a nice change up in my routine, but it was hardly anything compared to what I went through in Diver training.

    That being said, while I know this is satire, I suspect that Yoga probably does have some benefits that could mesh with someones exercize program, but I can’t see just doing yoga and getting or staying in top shape.

    One last note, I LOVE (not in a butthurt type way either) this site. It’s my new favorititist site. (BTW, I can’t believe how many people don’t recognize great satire, but their angry comments are sometimes as entertaining as the articles.) Keep up the good work.

  2. We need to weed out the fat and weak. The army isn’t for pussy’s. Unfortunately, the army recruited anyone and everyone and when we failed to meet the numbers, we lowered our standards. We have disrespectful Soldiers of all ranks, Soldiers who are awarded bronze stars for never leading and fat, lazy Soldier’s giving up their workload and overworking their fit “go-get’em” comrades. We can’t shake off the dead weight with yoga. We need serious PT standards and serious APFT’s. Once the dead weight is out of our ranks- we may progress to yoga (hold the fucking crystals) and stretch our over beaten bodies and minds, but right now we need to kick ass.

  3. To me, it just looks like they’re stretching out and preparing to lube up for imminent impact of higher’s phallic object.

  4. The obesity epidemic in the United States threatens the collective security of the nation. The sense of entitlement to excess and politically correct acceptance of overweight individuals is eroding the core strength from which the US draws its security – the strength of its people.
    Imagine for a moment, a modern day mobilization on the scale of World War 2. Over the course of the war years, the military rose from approximately 250,000 to having over 16.5 million men and women active in the military – or over 12.5% of the 1940 population. Today less than 0.4% of the US population is in the active duty military. In order to reach a strength number similar to WW2, we would need to rise from 1.4 million to 40 million active military members in less than 2 years. With nearly 70% of the US population overweight (according to the Center for Disease control statistics), the United States is currently incapable of generating combat power anywhere near what it had during World War 2.
    Physical fitness is an integral part of military life. Soldiers need to be physically fit in order to accomplish their missions. Military missions are generally more strenuous than work done by the average United States citizen. Military missions involve long, physically demanding hours and a great deal of stamina. The consequences for failure in military missions often lead to destruction of equipment or death of service members.
    The United States must make a conscious decision to get healthy as a country. Widespread acceptance of obesity as a normal way of life is crippling the country’s health and compromising our ability to secure ourselves. Failure to get healthy will collapse our nation from the inside.
    Russ Hennessey
    CPT, USA
    CGSC, Ft. Belvoir, VA

      • I do yoga every day: I stretch before I lift weights, PU/SU, and running. Yoga complete, and I am ready to start the real exercise. Angel, you missed the import of Russ’s comment precisely because you are a yoga-er and therefore accept the politically correct habit of obesity, especially in the Army. Let me guess, I bet you get weight lifting splints in your forearms and sore joints, too, like Jessie the extreme yoga-er. I guess extreme yoga means getting a chocolate shake during one’s stretching session. The point is exactly what Russ said: yoga and other types of non-exercising fat-assness are destroying our national security. How can Americans hope to defend themselves when they won’t – and can’t – bend over to tie their shoes. No wonder why the muslims think they can defeat us. And they would, except for those very few of us who have always been in good shape and each of whom is therefore more powerful than 1000 muslims. Then we have people who think yoga is a form of exercise. Phenomenal. This is akin to thinking obama is some form of non-socialist, American president. BTW, I chose my comment name because I realized the futility of getting people to stop doing yoga and to get in shape, especially in the Army. When I was in command I had people who sought out non-exercising – I called it “non-sweating” – profiles.

  5. Laugh all you guys want. I’m a PT fanatic and weight lifting is my drug. I started implementing yoga (in private) into my routine and my weights have gone up significantly and my endurance is through the roof. I score well over 300 now and no longer get those weight lifting splints in my forearms or get sore joints. I highly recommend doing yoga at least twice a week to boost your performance. You might think it’s gay but us secret “yoga-ers” are going to be kicking your ass in the gym.

    • Yep Jessie, (a) it is definitely gay; (b) you may try to kick our asses but us “non-yoga-ers” will see your spank wearing, leotard dancing, downward dog poses from a mile away and will react accordingly! (c) Our hysterical laughter and obscene finger pointing will keep us from running so your endurance is a moot point! 300? Do you also chant “WE ARE SPARTANS” during yoga?!?!?

      • I like occasional yoga and I’m not gay. But I am a girl. 🙂 I didn’t score 300 either. I guess I’ll do more yoga instead of push ups, sit ups, and running. (ok, I did max the push ups…)

  6. I only wish that was a joke. They taught us this in a Master of Fitness Trainer MTT from TRADOC. The same one they taught the PRT stuff by the way. Yoga for non-impact and low tempo PT days. It was hard not to laugh. I am sure in the grand sports scheme of things it has its place, but it sure does not feel like it.

  7. My wife finally convinced me to do her yoga one evening after I got home several years back. My PT was good and thought it would be easy. I was sweating after the 30 minute yoga session but that was about it. The next morning however, I could barely get out of bed I was so sore. Say what you will but yoga does stretch and work those small support muscles that regular PT overlooks.

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