Army Awards Dining Facility Contract to Burger King, Troops ‘Have It Their Way’ For Chow Ron August 1, 2012 Army 24 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: THE PENTAGON – Burger King announced today that it has won a multi-billion dollar contract to run Army dining facilities (DFACs), beating out strong competition from Kellogg, Brown, and Root (KBR) and Anthony’s Pizza. The contract, to provide food, supplies, personnel, and daily operations for all domestic and overseas DFACs, has a ceiling of $8.3 billion over 4 years. “We are very excited to bring ‘The King’ aboard to provide fast, delicious, and nutrish-ish food to our warfighters,” said Pentagon spokesperson Helen Kleiding. Kleiding said the decision to award the contract to Burger King was based primarily on their competitive bid, but also on soldiers’ current eating habits. “The nice thing is, there’s a Burger King on every single post anyway,” Kleiding said. “Every. Single. Post. Troops have been eating this crap for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for years, so we figured, why don’t we reduce some paperwork and just cut Burger King a check ourselves?” Army Wife Janeane Smith was excited over the announcement The new DFACs will be made over to resemble standard Burger King restaurants in several ways. The menus will be the same, employees will wear the same uniforms, and even the rest rooms will have the familiar, unmistakeable stench of Burger King toilets. The only difference, Kleiding said, is that soldiers will pay using an issued meal card. Tyrone Setzner, Burger King Vice President of Business Acquisition, said in a prepared statement, “Since the 1980s, when the first Burger Kings began spreading throughout military facilities like an uncontainable virus, we have been thrilled to provide hungry warfighters food that a 2004 Federal Circuit Court has ruled is indeed ‘food.’ No more questions.” For the most part, soldiers are excited about the upcoming changes. “I’m happy because Burger King lets me have it my way,” said Specialist Frank Alvarado, a soldier in the 82nd Airborne Division at Ft. Bragg. “Yo, I’m just glad Lil’ Anthony’s [sic] didn’t win it,” Alvarado added, “because that greasy-ass pizza gives me the worst diarrhea. At least with BK, the shits are manageable.” Jeff Archer Jr. says: February 26, 2014 at 12:56 AM Hey that’s a 45th Guy! Where did you get the picture from? Bradley Jacoby says: February 26, 2014 at 12:56 AM Peter Robertson; Take your politics off this satire site and shove them up your ass. Justin E. Miller says: February 26, 2014 at 12:56 AM Sadly, I wouldn’t be surprised if something like this ever did happen. But does it have to be Burger King? Shereeta Maxey Young says: February 26, 2014 at 12:56 AM nutrish-ish…Lmao! Miguel Stabnandez says: February 26, 2014 at 12:56 AM noom noom nooom. Hack Stone says: February 26, 2014 at 12:56 AM I wonder if Chick-Fil-A was a contender? Jason D Sousley says: February 26, 2014 at 12:56 AM I can’t decide which I hate more Green Beans or Burger King. Mike Harris Sr. says: February 26, 2014 at 12:56 AM A “whopper” of a story! Josh Noble says: February 26, 2014 at 12:56 AM If this were Subway feeding the Navy, I might have believed it. scott says: October 2, 2012 at 1:05 PM you might want to get the coupons… http://www.shopmyexchange.com/ExchangeStores/WaysToShop/FoodCourt.htm Jerry says: August 2, 2012 at 11:25 PM Manageable shits? My meal card has always made my ass bleed, and switching to BK for every meal hasn’t changed that. Now my Platoon Sergeant is making me go to medical for a colonoscopy. Mostly because he hates me. Bill Cooper says: August 7, 2012 at 11:30 AM Jerry, colonoscopies are OK. Cleaning yourself out the night before sucks, but the drugs are outfckingstanding! CPT 2003 says: August 17, 2012 at 9:48 AM colonoscopy – ah yes – ‘golightly’ bwahahahah – then lets see – lets add another 10 of demoral and 5 of versed – you won’t remember a thing . . . Pits and Shagrins says: August 8, 2012 at 3:21 PM Jerry, next time your platoon sgt is chewing on your ass, just have him take a quick look just to make sure all is well! RipWaxmaster says: August 17, 2012 at 10:14 AM I am suddenly reminded of this scene from Rejected: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiwHphbnC-w Cpl Rapedick Von Cuntfart says: August 1, 2012 at 11:28 PM “nutrish-ish” Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: August 1, 2012 at 9:12 PM Where the hell did they get a pic of Muffin! YOU SONS A BITCHES WILL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER! Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: August 1, 2012 at 9:13 PM Oh shit, my bad Muffin has a tattoo of a sailor on her bicep. Sorry for the threat of legal action. RipWaxmaster says: August 1, 2012 at 9:38 PM Wait… what?? Shit. You’re right dude. Your Muffin also has a mole on her right breast. Not that I’ve ever looked or anything. :0 RipWaxmaster says: August 1, 2012 at 9:31 PM Nobody fucks with my LT buddy or his beloved jelly roll. I have a BS in Libelslander and I will sue anyone’s ass into the ground for using Muffin’s publicly available FB photos. Stop this nonsense now. Bill Cooper says: August 1, 2012 at 12:02 PM I just noticed Army wife Smith’s cup holder. More damn coffee on my monitor. Bill Cooper says: August 1, 2012 at 12:01 PM I’m with P&S, I just spit my coffee on my monitor, after snorting it up my nose from laughing. Keep up the great work guys; and all you commenters out there, please remember, this is satire, aka humor. Paul says: August 3, 2012 at 8:08 AM Appreciate it Bill. Sorry about your monitor. Pits and Shagrins says: August 1, 2012 at 11:09 AM Great. Just perfect. You owe me a new freakin’ monitor because my coffee is now decorating it as I sit here laughing at the picture of the happy Army wife. What a beaut!! Gooooooo Army!!