Army Awards Dining Facility Contract to Burger King, Troops ‘Have It Their Way’ For Chow

Soldier At Burger King

THE PENTAGON – Burger King announced today that it has won a multi-billion dollar contract to run Army dining facilities (DFACs), beating out strong competition from Kellogg, Brown, and Root (KBR) and Anthony’s Pizza.

The contract, to provide food, supplies, personnel, and daily operations for all domestic and overseas DFACs, has a ceiling of $8.3 billion over 4 years.

“We are very excited to bring ‘The King’ aboard to provide fast, delicious, and nutrish-ish food to our warfighters,” said Pentagon spokesperson Helen Kleiding.

Kleiding said the decision to award the contract to Burger King was based primarily on their competitive bid, but also on soldiers’ current eating habits.

“The nice thing is, there’s a Burger King on every single post anyway,” Kleiding said. “Every. Single. Post. Troops have been eating this crap for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for years, so we figured, why don’t we reduce some paperwork and just cut Burger King a check ourselves?”

Army Wife Janeane Smith was excited over the announcement

The new DFACs will be made over to resemble standard Burger King restaurants in several ways. The menus will be the same, employees will wear the same uniforms, and even the rest rooms will have the familiar, unmistakeable stench of Burger King toilets.

The only difference, Kleiding said, is that soldiers will pay using an issued meal card.

Tyrone Setzner, Burger King Vice President of Business Acquisition, said in a prepared statement, “Since the 1980s, when the first Burger Kings began spreading throughout military facilities like an uncontainable virus, we have been thrilled to provide hungry warfighters food that a 2004 Federal Circuit Court has ruled is indeed ‘food.’ No more questions.”

For the most part, soldiers are excited about the upcoming changes.

“I’m happy because Burger King lets me have it my way,” said Specialist Frank Alvarado, a soldier in the 82nd Airborne Division at Ft. Bragg.

“Yo, I’m just glad Lil’ Anthony’s [sic] didn’t win it,” Alvarado added, “because that greasy-ass pizza gives me the worst diarrhea. At least with BK, the shits are manageable.”


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15 Comments

  1. Manageable shits? My meal card has always made my ass bleed, and switching to BK for every meal hasn’t changed that. Now my Platoon Sergeant is making me go to medical for a colonoscopy. Mostly because he hates me.

  2. Where the hell did they get a pic of Muffin! YOU SONS A BITCHES WILL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!

    • Oh shit, my bad Muffin has a tattoo of a sailor on her bicep. Sorry for the threat of legal action.

      • Wait… what?? Shit. You’re right dude. Your Muffin also has a mole on her right breast. Not that I’ve ever looked or anything. :0

    • Nobody fucks with my LT buddy or his beloved jelly roll. I have a BS in Libelslander and I will sue anyone’s ass into the ground for using Muffin’s publicly available FB photos. Stop this nonsense now.

  3. I’m with P&S, I just spit my coffee on my monitor, after snorting it up my nose from laughing. Keep up the great work guys; and all you commenters out there, please remember, this is satire, aka humor.

  4. Great. Just perfect. You owe me a new freakin’ monitor because my coffee is now decorating it as I sit here laughing at the picture of the happy Army wife. What a beaut!! Gooooooo Army!!

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