Breaking: Ramadan Insensitivity Caused ‘Green-on-Blue’ Shooting of SECDEF Maxx Butthurt August 24, 2012 The Pentagon 18 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: General John Allen speaks to reporters, saying Ramadan is the cause of the recent attacks Kabul, Afghanistan - New information provided by the Pentagon to assembled press has shed new light on the alleged shooting of Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta days ago by a man dressed as the Afghan President. “The Afghans, in accordance with Ramadan, are required to fast throughout the day,” said General John Allen, the commander of US Forces-Afghanistan. “The lack of food and water, coupled with the heat can definitely be a factor.” General John Allen also stated that to the nation’s great relief, the shooter, who was in fact President Karzai, will recover after he tragically injured his trigger finger during the unfortunate event. Secretary Panetta is already the subject of a preliminary investigation, as officials try and determine what he did to cause the attack. While President Karzai has remained silent on the topic after receiving a terse phone call from General Mattis, new evidence uncovered by investigators points to insensitivity about the Muslim holy month of Ramadan as the motivation behind the incident. Across the world, observant Muslims fast during Ramadan from sun-up to sun-down, and abstain from smoking and sexual intercourse with both humans and animals. In Afghanistan, troops have already seen the strain this puts on local soldiers. “When you have to hide in the porta-potty to drink water, or smoke a cigarette, the stress can really get to you.” said Captain Tom Enders, an infantry company commander in southern Kandahar province. “Once the sun goes down you spend your remaining energy with your buddy Mohammed in the sack, and the next morning an American comes along and asks you to go out and chase bad guys. No wonder they’re pissed. Although the Taliban still inexplicably manage to plant dozens of IEDs a day during the holy month. Sometimes they can just snap.” A Pentagon official close to the investigation was quick to agree with CPT Ender’s statement. “Clearly President Karzai was under terrific strain caused by not being able to eat snacks or drink water in his US provided office with central-air during the day. When Panetta decided to call that joint press conference to confront the Green-on-Blue issue it was simply the last straw for him.” The officer, whose identity will be protected due to his not being authorized to speak to the press, also said that remedial training will be given to the Secretary of Defense and all other senior officials working in close proximity to Afghan government personnel, educating them on the importance of not expecting anything at all out of their local partners during the religious month. In a similar incident at Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego last Thursday, Private Jamie Snodgrass shot his Drill Instructor in the leg during a live fire range because he was asked to fetch water cans in the scorching 79 degree heat, and hadn’t eaten a full meal that day. Although raised in Iowa and the prominent son of an evangelical minister, Snodgrass had converted to Islam several minutes before shooting his drill sergeant. The injured instructor is currently being investigated for violating the recruit’s religious freedom. Clay Fisher says: January 25, 2014 at 10:10 PM Why is there so much hate on the Afghans in this article, guys? Davis McCall says: January 25, 2014 at 10:10 PM Because nobody likes the Afghans. This is military humor… Mike Harris Sr. says: January 25, 2014 at 10:10 PM A 79 degree heatwave and the airplane noise drowning out the sound of the surf at MCRD San Diego can be hard to take. It was all too much for the poor boot. Mike Harris says: January 25, 2014 at 10:10 PM Iv been saying it fir a while now. I knew there was something wrong with panetta. The truth is out. He hates people who pledge allegiance to the allies but secretly backs the terrorists of extremest islam. How unAmerican if this asshole. Whats next? No combat beards? Anonymous says: January 25, 2014 at 10:10 PM the new enemy of the bye gen and ww2 gen cold war militaries world wide are these shit stains that the bye gen sex rev made gen xy were not an issue during no future cold war as they now steal post cold war world so antichrist clinton and his 666 hollywood queer and lesbians s can rule post cold war world. via 666 tv elections.. Daniel Barton says: January 25, 2014 at 10:10 PM I love being an Infidel…. 13steps2nowhere says: August 27, 2012 at 10:07 AM The best part was the bit about the recruit “converting” to Islam “minutes before shooting his drill sergeant.”! Cpl gimmeabreak says: August 31, 2012 at 4:13 PM To 13steps2nowhere, can I use this excuse for anything? Sarge, I can’t dig that damn ditch. I might sweat during Ramadan! ThatJarhead says: August 24, 2012 at 11:55 PM Army – You left out that they wait until sundown to diddle their little dancer boys also, but good on ya for remembering to include the animals! Wzrd1 says: August 25, 2012 at 1:50 AM Fucking jarheads! Tossing a brain grenade at ya! AngelofIron says: August 24, 2012 at 4:44 PM You can blame the Crusaders for not completely wiping out the Muslims from the face of the earth. Wzrd1 says: August 25, 2012 at 1:50 AM Why don’t you go tell them about it in person? leftoftheboom says: August 24, 2012 at 4:30 PM They even have to abstain from sex with animals. Now you know they are serious about their religion. Wzrd1 says: August 25, 2012 at 1:49 AM Crap! I thought they were talking about the butter bars! My bad! Eric says: August 24, 2012 at 4:05 PM This actually sounds eerily accurate. Stupid_America says: August 24, 2012 at 4:03 PM If this wasn’t true; it ought to be dead on in the real world.