Chaos: General James Mattis Announced As Next Commandant Of Marine Corps

General Mattis shows off his tattoos

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a controversial move sure to send shockwaves throughout the Corps, President Obama announced today that Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Jim Amos will soon be replaced by Gen. James Mattis.

Amos indicated his plans to resign early — having served only two years out of the four-year term as Commandant — saying that “he’s getting too old for this shit.”

“I’m just sick of dealing with these savages in the press and in Congress. They keep asking me questions about snipers pissing on people, nazi flags, and other crap,” said Amos. “I figure Jim [Mattis] will certainly know how to handle them.”

Not one to mince words, Gen. Mattis is known for controversial quotes — once telling a reporter that it was “fun to shoot some people,” and that his Marines should always “have a plan to kill everyone they meet.”

Mattis, who announced his plans for retirement months ago, is being recalled for the position as top commander at a time when the Marine Corps transitions from combat to peace.

“This transition stuff is all a bunch of crap,” said Mattis, after returning from a 30 mile ruck run with an 80-pound pack. “Our Corps will always be killing people. Even in peace time, I’ll find someone for our boys to kill out there. Yeah, I’m talking to you Iran.”

When reached for further comment on his promotion, Mattis was glad that he would be staying in uniform.

“When I announced my retirement, it was at a time when death by PowerPoint was my entire day. I thought I had missed my chance for Commandant,” said Mattis, after spitting out his Red Man chew and downing a double-shot of Jack Daniels. “But now that I am receiving this promotion, it means most of my job is to visit our boys overseas — Afghanistan, Djibouti, Libya — and I can get closer to the action again.”

Mattis is excited that he can leave the briefing room to get back to “systematically tracking and killing the nation’s enemies with his bare hands,” but he also has other plans for sweeping changes across the Marine Corps.

“This policy that doesn’t allow sleeve tattoos is a bunch of horseshit,” said Mattis, as he showed off his own full-sleeve tattoos running down both arms. “So that’s the first thing to go.”

Another policy change includes tweaks to physical training. While most infantry Marines can probably keep up with the General on runs, Mattis says that he wants everyone to live up to the ethos of “Every Marine a Rifleman.”

“These air wingers and admin folks think they are sitting pretty, only heading to the gym or not doing PT at all,” said Mattis, in between his third round of 350lb back squats. “So I’ll also be leading them in 15 mile runs until they shape up.”

Finally, Mattis says he’ll reverse the no-hazing policy that Marines have been under since the nineties, saying that it’s “good goddamn training.”

“Listen, I don’t like stupid shit,” said Mattis. “but if you’re one of my fine young men about to go on deployment and you have a boot who isn’t listening, I think it’s a valuable training tool to duct tape him to a bench, mentor on an emotional level with a wall-to-wall counseling session, or make him dig a hole to China.”

“I mean hell, that’s where we’re going [China] eventually anyway. Might as well train like we fight,” he added.

Mattis is expected to take command at the beginning of the new fiscal year.



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61 Comments

  1. Congratulations General, I have stopped and asked two marines in uniform what their primary is, they both told me some unknown mos. I asked for their frist general order, they both did not know it. This raised an alarm in me. I had the honor to serve with the largest mounted exerienced experts of war, fmfpac3rdforceserv.regt.truckco. okinawa camp foster. I received a meritorious mast launching the clean hands accounting of the Nez Perc tribe of Indians. completing the imperfect incomplete treaties of the Nez Perces 1863-1868 with the 1858 military concession treaty. Look forward to hear of your needed successful command. Never left John McCormack

  2. Well , for even more fun , check out the dating website Zoosk . You’ll find ‘him’ there . How do I know ? The jerk off impersonating him has been trying to hit on me ! Please , please , someone who is more computer savvy than I am , go have fun with this douchebag on Zoosk . The General in Utah is funnier than…heck , can’t think of anything funnier personally .

    I do not stand behind our Armed Forces , I proudly stand beside them . Thank you Ladies and Gentleman of the Armed Services .

  3. Hello Lady’s
    I thought all the Old Marines ( with me being the exception) were Dead And Gone to the big PX . Glad to see some Scum Bags Still breathing. And talking shit. Any way to get the point I Don’t Pay much attention to shit that is on the internet concerning Marines ! I made the mistake of watching a you tube video the Title was something about greatest warriors that ever walked the Earth so I figured What the Hell They’ve Made a Video of The 3rd Bn. 26th Marines and All the ass kickin We gave to Luke the gook in RVN
    but instead this video is some “Sick Commie Cock Sucker’s , Chicken Shit Idea of a Ambush”
    (That’s the New Title I Fuckin gave That Piece of shit Video) But Their Ambush worked like a charm.
    I turn this thing on and what the FUCK they got the Royal Marines as the All time Ass Kickers of the World
    Talk about a (bouncing Betty) Any way That’s the Reason for my Recon on This Gen. Mattis Story I Didn’t
    want to be the Fuck Stick walking in to another Ambush OK that’s the Sit Rep For now Lady’s
    I’ll Be Watching

    Cpl. D.D. Johnston
    3/26 BLT 9th MAB
    1969-70 ( I Corps S Vietnam )

  4. When I read about the Marine Corps,it makes my skin get goose bumps.I was,and still am a Navy man at heart,but have and always will love the Marine Corps.I have been told ,on many ocassion,that the Navy does nothing but take the Marines where they have to go…..to war.Thats because we haul nothing but the very best……..The UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS……….SEMPER FI,and God bless.

  5. If you want Political Correctness try the other Branches of Service. All my beloved Marine Corps does is to
    Help the enemy die for his Country!

    SEMPER FI !
    3rd Marine Division 1968 Tet Offensive ( still lost somewhere on the DMZ )

  6. Wow, I haven’t read so much Marine Corps lingo in ages, Some of you should rally get our your moonbeams and look for a porthole out of whatever buttfuckery is holding you form moving on.

    • Wow – nautical terms? How about this (let me dust it off as I have not had to say it in over – hmmm – 23 years) “prepare to mount aye aye Sir! Sir, are all the private’s rifles, footlockers, seabags, and money-valuable bags all secure Sir? Sir, are all the private’s rifles on safe Sir? Sir, are all the private’s sheets pulled back to the foot of the rack Sir?” etc. Wow – that was a walk down amnesia lane . . .

  7. The article is FAKE, the picture is from another one and he has no tattoos. He is set to retire from CENTCOM soon. I wish this was true he would make a hell of a CMC but the new marine corps I think is too soft for a man like him. If he was going to be the new CMC I would stay in the Marine Corps and continue to train war dogs but its time for me to leave, I know there is alot of other Marines that feel the way that I do as well.

  8. 30 mile run with an 80 lb pack…….if anyone believed that an old leatherneck like that could do half that PT then..WOW…stay tuned for more factual information because they left out the part where he shoots lighting out of his dick and kills Satan.

    Fuck this article for disrespecting Commandant Amos. Marines don’t quit anything and to imply that the Commandant would quit on the Corps is just outrageous bullshit. Article cold have been funny if it didnt paint such a shitty picture of the Marines.

    Marine Corps is in a deteriorating state currently and has become way easy to advance as is full of shitbirds from the surge. I made Sergeant in 3 years by basically getting out of bed in the morning and making it to formation on time and fraternizing with every . Thats why I re-enlisted in the most important war fighting branch we have. The United States Air Force.

    Pete
    USMC 2006-2011
    USAF 2011-Forever

    • umm Pete.. I just an old Army dog.. so work with me. If Marines don’t quit, why are you now in the Air Force?

      As for disrespect, you shit all over the Marine Corp.

      I’d say Airperson Pete is where he belongs. Integrating gays into the Army and Marines.. problem… The Airforce ? I bet they didn’t have to do anything.

    • Pete – generally speaking, it is a ‘party foul’ to leave the Corps as an enlisted Marine and then enter another service branch without the President’s Commission – so – if you are telling us that you are now a zoomie officer, that’s cool (as even my own daughter chose AFROTC over Army ROTC), but if you have just shifted gears, than lad, I am afriad you not only shifted down, but you gave up a far superior uniform as well. . . SEMPER FIDELIS!

  9. The Corps is in the capable and military genious hands of a real Marine, through and through, and I couldn’t be happier or feel safer! I can hardly wait to witness your favor in continuing to enrich and enhance Marine Corps history.
    With Best Wishes to you and to the Corp for continued success, Marjorie

  10. How fucking dumb are you guys? That image isn’t even Mattis. Not unless he got full sleeve tattoos in the last 72 hours. This entire website is pure bullshit put together by disgruntled fucks who like to stir up shit.

    The military’s most trusted news source? Who the fuck said that besides themselves?

  11. If you fucking numbnuts had dynamite for brain cells, the lot of you couldn’t put them together to blow your goddamn nose.

    Gen. Mattis IS NOT becoming the next Commadant of the Corps. Gen. Amos is not retiring early. This is a work of pure fiction.CENTCOM is the last command Gen. Mattis will hold as is tradition.

    Everything you read on the Internet is NOT the fucking truth retards.

    MGYSGT/USMC

  12. Dang! I’m 61 years old and would volunteer in a New York minute to serve under this General! HooRah!

  13. OUTFRIGGINSTANDING! Us old shit-bird airwingers wish we didn’t have to spend all of our free time ditty-boppin’ up and down BC Street on The Rock…79-81.

  14. I have trouble with this story as Mattis does not have the tat’s in the photo (I have met him and know from personal observation) and I can not independently verify the truth of the contents.
    How about some verifiction?
    Semper Fi,
    Darrell

  15. You numbnuts need to do a little more research, according to new reports and other
    sources, Gen. Mattie is on his way to be Top Devil Dog!!! It’s a wait and see right now and if/when
    It happens, Semper Fi!! A new face for the Corps, New Attitude, and the world better hold on to it
    ass, cause he’s gonna kick a little but of it.

  16. DAMN! I must be getting old, I was ‘in country’ when the GEN. was commissioned!. I’m 60yrs+ and feel and look 40. Hit the gym 5 days a week and can still kick some serious ass,(tested recently) and people know it.
    I’d like to think I could keep-up with today’s Marines and possibly serve again, and save fellow grunts.
    But I know my ass would end up in Portsmouth with the current ‘Rules of Engagement’ even at the cost of another brother’s life.

  17. I can’t believe our present penciled-neck geek, commander in cheat, would confirm such an outspoken, politically incorrect, warrior to command my Corps.(or as he refers to us as: “corpse”?!?)

    • Who’s the fuckwad civilian in the photo? He looks like a nut-kick practice dummy for General Mattis.

      Oh, please, one of you photoshoppers out there please airbrush out Captain Asskiss. We don’t need any more of them. I think the rank of Captain should be limited to field Marines ONLY.

      SSgt USMC
      Vietnam – The Walkiing Dead

  18. Ohh my gosh! I’m having flash-backs of my former CMC Al Grey again…..thank God for warriors like General Mattis.

  19. I got so many Marines with this article…needless to say they’re all full of hate, discontent and blue balls from the temporary hard on they got thinking Mattis would ever be allowed to take his rightful position in the Corps.

  20. In other news, the US Army ordered Powerpoint uninstalled on all computers after the suicide rate spiked to its highest one month tally.
    It seems that the vast majority of suicides occurred during Command and Staff meetings, with several mass suicides during the briefings of several commands, leaving briefing rooms filled with suicide victims.
    It was revealed that it took 90 days before anyone noticed the mass suicides, as none of the briefing information is ever read at the higher echelon anyway and the subordinate commands didn’t notice the loss of nebulous leadership.

    • Now this is something I think I need a full article on…as a CGO, I want to fully understand the risks that my PowerPoint Rangers are taking on a daily basis.

    • I almost fell for this article as well. The tats got me. Photo shop. Oh well. Anyway I hope he does well, sorry that Gen Amos is leaving early. Maybe its the current POTUS influence. Gen. Mattis in a way reminds of Al Grey and that could shake things up again in the suck.

    • No shit Dick Tracy. Perhaps you deserve a goddamn medal for using your gourd for more than something to hold your cover.

      If you can laugh at a bullshit story then you are truly one fucked up soul

      SSgt. USMC
      Vietnam – 1/9 The Walking Dead

  21. Hes gonna he the best fucking CMC in my six years. I’m ready to serve my last two years with some god damn justice. Guess I will prepare for the marine corps I thought I was actually getting myself into ( the one I saw as a kid growing up) sir if I could I’d stay in for life if you would stay the CMC. Moto!!!!

  22. Thanks for the well balanced and thoughtful profile Duffel Blog. You are the the only military news site that I ever read.

    M-4

    • Dear Gen. Mattis,

      Asa former Marine, one from the last of the “Old Cops” 68-72, we all wish you well Sir. From the article and the language used you appear to be a Marines Marine, Good for you Sir it’s about fucking time. Give em hell Sir! Weed out the slackers and half steppers and get our beloved Marine Corps back to what it once was, a Killing Machine!

      • The Marine Corps has and always will be a killing machine; don’t know where you get your information from that we need to back to what we were; we never left.

        Current GySgt in TODAYs Corps; as good as it ever WAS

        • Hey Gunny, old broken down flyboy that remembers also 69-79 and they did NOT HAVE USMC WRITNG TRAFFIC TICKETS AND TRAINING POLICE OFFICERS WHO THEN TURNED ON THEM WITH DEADLY FORCE!! GEN MATTIS KICK SOME …. ASS DON’T. OTHER WITH thier names. Cuz if YOU KICKED EM they don’t deserve TO BE REMEMBERED
          just saying GUNNY no disrespect to the CORP, it the Civilians who all Military have to take Orders from that are FUCKING IT UP. SNAFU? Nope TurnThe GEN LOOSE and it will be as IT SHOULD BE not as those Liberal Progressive Legalistic Pantywastes are Making it! No HERO/ HONORED TO HAVE SERVED W/SAME from ALL THE SERVICES! BDFB out

        • a joke – the kind only a Marine (or former Marine) can get away with – “so as it happens, a drunk was staggering around Tunn Tavern in November of 1775 when he ran into Capt. Robert Mullins. The drunk asked the officer what he was doing, the response ‘recruiting enlisted Marines, and if you sign here, you can be the very first one,’ the drunk excitedly signed on, and after being given his marching orders, staggerred down to the pier to report to aboard a Frigate to be put to work. As he staggerred up the ladder and aboard the ship, he was stopped by a Chief – ‘Wait, who/what the $^% are you?!?!?!?’ – a Marine came the reply – well ‘I have never had one of those before, so go stand by that hatch over there and sober up and we’ll figure out what to do with you later’ came the guidance . . . Several hours later, another drunk staggerred over to hatch (he having been given the same guidance) . . . and lo, the Marine who had been there since the beginning gave the boot a hard look up and down, sucked his teeth, and slowly shook his head . . . the boot asked WTF!??!?!?!?! the response (after he was bulkhead/hatch counselled for being discourteous to his superiors) was ‘yep, and if you think this is hard, you should have been here in the OLD CORPS!'” here endedth the lesson . . . 🙂

    • GEN MATTIS,SIR it would be My HONOR INDEED to be re upped so as to be able to allow your MARINES to JUMP OUT OF MY perfectly good AIRCRAFT, SIR! I tied I 68- 69 to get River Boats 1st w/ USCG( who knew Kerry’s Swifty’s were NOT the only one’s on thoseWaters?)- Navy said no also- had a # 4 my Love Letter – Enlisted- USAF- wanted CCT/FAC- went thru dreg AF BASIC/PLUS PRE BENNING- denied no depth perception- halo at night can’t see the ground coming up- shut up chair force want you to FLY! OOOOWW!
      Sonic you need a Leg to watch I’ll go, but this time CAN I STAY AND PLAY? I just can’t shake this YOU WERE JUST A SOCOR MOMsropping off all the EQUIPT. & PLAYERS but YOU CAN’T EVEN WATCH the game – so how’s about it SIR?!! Broken down FlyBoy justs wants to have fun too. BDFB out

    • Good comment Cpl but the ole Corps ended between the Korean War and the Vietnam War. I went in on Jan. 10f 63 and all the old uniforms were already gone by then.

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