WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a controversial move sure to send shockwaves throughout the Corps, President Obama announced today that Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Jim Amos will soon be replaced by Gen. James Mattis.
Amos indicated his plans to resign early — having served only two years out of the four-year term as Commandant — saying that “he’s getting too old for this shit.”
“I’m just sick of dealing with these savages in the press and in Congress. They keep asking me questions about snipers pissing on people, nazi flags, and other crap,” said Amos. “I figure Jim [Mattis] will certainly know how to handle them.”
Not one to mince words, Gen. Mattis is known for controversial quotes — once telling a reporter that it was “fun to shoot some people,” and that his Marines should always “have a plan to kill everyone they meet.”
Mattis, who announced his plans for retirement months ago, is being recalled for the position as top commander at a time when the Marine Corps transitions from combat to peace.
“This transition stuff is all a bunch of crap,” said Mattis, after returning from a 30 mile ruck run with an 80-pound pack. ”Our Corps will always be killing people. Even in peace time, I’ll find someone for our boys to kill out there. Yeah, I’m talking to you Iran.”
When reached for further comment on his promotion, Mattis was glad that he would be staying in uniform.
“When I announced my retirement, it was at a time when death by PowerPoint was my entire day. I thought I had missed my chance for Commandant,” said Mattis, after spitting out his Red Man chew and downing a double-shot of Jack Daniels. “But now that I am receiving this promotion, it means most of my job is to visit our boys overseas — Afghanistan, Djibouti, Libya — and I can get closer to the action again.”
Mattis is excited that he can leave the briefing room to get back to “systematically tracking and killing the nation’s enemies with his bare hands,” but he also has other plans for sweeping changes across the Marine Corps.
“This policy that doesn’t allow sleeve tattoos is a bunch of horseshit,” said Mattis, as he showed off his own full-sleeve tattoos running down both arms. “So that’s the first thing to go.”
Another policy change includes tweaks to physical training. While most infantry Marines can probably keep up with the General on runs, Mattis says that he wants everyone to live up to the ethos of “Every Marine a Rifleman.”
“These air wingers and admin folks think they are sitting pretty, only heading to the gym or not doing PT at all,” said Mattis, in between his third round of 350lb back squats. “So I’ll also be leading them in 15 mile runs until they shape up.”
Finally, Mattis says he’ll reverse the no-hazing policy that Marines have been under since the nineties, saying that it’s “good goddamn training.”
“Listen, I don’t like stupid shit,” said Mattis. “but if you’re one of my fine young men about to go on deployment and you have a boot who isn’t listening, I think it’s a valuable training tool to duct tape him to a bench, mentor on an emotional level with a wall-to-wall counseling session, or make him dig a hole to China.”
“I mean hell, that’s where we’re going [China] eventually anyway. Might as well train like we fight,” he added.
Mattis is expected to take command at the beginning of the new fiscal year.