Infantry Troops In Contact, Waiting For Presidential Approval To Return Fire Maxx Butthurt August 19, 2012 News 32 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - It’s early morning as the sun rises over eastern Afghanistan and an American patrol heads outside the wire. Minutes later, as the platoon reaches an open field, they come under attack. Embedded journalist Mike Jackson asked the Platoon Leader what he thought of the new rules of engagement (ROE) issued by the Department of Defense shortly after they radio “troops in contact.” As the young officer lay behind a low mud wall, flinching from the crack of incoming rounds and attempting to help treat a soldier who’d been wounded, he checks his watch and yells over the sound of the gunfire: “I sent up the request to shoot back about 20 minutes ago,” said 2nd Lieutenant Richard O’Keefe. “Hopefully the President will get back to me soon.” More Stringent Rules of Engagement The new rules of engagement that require higher approval authority are part of a broad-based strategy of minimizing civilian casualties. Changes first came with the introduction of the Karzai-approved rifle combat sight. Since its introduction, instances of civilian casualties have plummeted, causing many Afghan lawmakers to tout the optic’s success. Taliban spokesman Muhammed Muhammed Muhammed stated that with the recent lack of casualties their forces were taking in the field, the group was even willing to return to the negotiating table. The success was unfortunately short-lived, when a stray goat was killed after wandering into a coalition firefight three days ago. “This is a terrible day for Afghans everywhere,” spouted Afghan President Karzai in response to the latest outrage, calling on further restrictions to what he calls ‘reckless American gunplay’. Airstrikes and helicopter attacks, already requiring a General Officer’s approval before they can be used, have now been cancelled across the AOR. Karzai demanded a higher approval authority to curb unecessary casualties. As a gesture of good faith, Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta stated that he would personally receive all requests to return fire through the military chain of command on a specially designed smart-phone carried with him during work hours. If he decides the request has merit, he will then submit the request in PowerPoint format to President Obama, to be reviewed during the next White House morning security brief. Fight Intensifies As cries of Allah Akbar reached a fevered pitch, the enemy closed to hand-grenade range. Lieutenant O’Keefe was asked if he thought the new rules were helpful. “Oh, absolutely,” he replied, ducking as another RPG detonated on the other side of the wall he was hiding behind. “I mean, they told me in IOBC [Infantry Officer Basic Course] that counterinsurgency was all about the hearts and minds of the people. We can’t do that if we’re hurting innocent civilians. So yeah, I guess it’s a good thing. In fact I-” his next words were cut off as an enemy recoiless rifle shot impacted a nearby hut, killing the family of three cowering inside. Earlier that morning Secretary Panetta made the following statement about the new restrictions: “We want to emphasize that we stand behind our troops on the ground 100%,” said Panetta in a hastily called press conference to announce the news. “We just want to be absolutely sure they’re doing the right thing out there. Its all about safety.” When pressed for his thoughts about the Secretary’s statement, Lieutenant O’Keefe agreed wholeheartedly, and launched into an insightful monologue about ‘just and unjust wars’, pausing occasionally to change spots, avoiding the areas where his men were engaged in savage hand to hand combat with the Taliban fighters that were swarming over the wall, his men swinging their empty rifles like clubs. As Jackson sprinted away from the battlefield, following the tattered remnants of the Lieutenant’s platoon, he asked O’Keefe about his chances for getting clearance to fire. “Pretty good I think,” the LT wheezed out between breaths as he ran across a field, dodging enemy fire. “It’s midnight in D.C., so if the President gets up early I think we can expect an answer in about 6 hours. Good thing we did a lot of running back in garrison!” Kyle Kline says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM nice Mickey Rambo McSwain says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM sounds about right. Jim O'Brien says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM This took me right back to the red-painted wooden blocks in the magazine wells of M-16′s at Camp Books in Vietnam. David Hudson says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM The new rules of engagement suck. Our troops should be able to defend themselves when fired upon without the OK of the president or anyone else. All this crap about a goat is stupid. I believe we should take our troops out of Afghanistan now and let that useless government of theirs handle the problems they have. They are ragheads and they are fighting ragheads. It would seem to me that raghead against raghead is a good match. That dump is not worth another American life. Bring our troops home or let them fight. One or the other now. Ryan Kabcenel says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM why do you fucking idiots think these articles are real? every damn duffleblog article I read there’s always 3 or 4 dipshits who talk about what bull shit it is, or how pissed off they are. America is in a sad state, how can anyone in their right mind not use the common sense God gave them to realize this is SATTIRE! FUCK! Cameron Hood says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM Fucking Hilarious, I love it. Sherri Seiber says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM The way the Obama administration would like it to be. Mike Harris says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM Ok bullshit. Im throwing a red flag on this. We all know no one in the Army has the kind of military discipline required to recieve contact and not loose thier damn minds. This LT calmly spoke to a reporter during contact??nice try duffleblog. Lol!! James Howard says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM This shit is fake homies. Jim Eastling says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM This is one of those ‘I really hope this is a b.s. parody and not for real’ moments, though somehow I wouldn’t doubt some crap like this exists. I don’t agree with excessive civilian casualties, but if this ROE were legit, how many more of our guys and girls would be coming home under flags vs. their own power? Laugh at the humor, cry at the truth… Paul Kelly says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM If that LT had just waited a moment longer, Mrs. O would have been up in her Vacation chopper, and could have spotted rounds for him! Darrin Hogue says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM ROE? those are rules to get out men and women killed… what happened to the days when you went into a country took them down once and for all? and why in the fukk would you wait for order come to return fire from across half a world away… I say open ROE back up to the OiC there or get the hell outta the country! William Fuzi says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM Every story written by Duffelblog.com is fake parody. I just hope families losing children over there don’t see these stroies. Obviously the morons writing these stories aren’t in the military. If they were they wouldn’t write parody about fire fights when so many are dieing in them. I hope you guys had a good laugh assholes! Téil Kim says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM I’m afraid this will become one of those “funny because it’s ridiculous” Onion articles that ends up becoming true. But when it does happen for real, it’s not going to be funny, you just lose all hope for the human race. Brian Sheeran says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM Fucking idiotic leadership. This is why That worthless POS Obama will be GONE along with his circle of inept, fucked up ass clowns he calls Democrats will be gone come Novermber. If I were that Platoon Leader, I would have sent the request in, THEN would have called in an AIRSTRIKE on the enemy and taken their asses out. What sort of fucked up Leadership is this? Who is actually pushing this STUPID ROE on the Troops? Obama? IMPEACH THAT FUCK. Taylor Crowe says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM my favorite part of this article is all the screaming assclowns who think it’s serious. Jonn Lilyea says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM It’s nice to see the Lieutenant’s adherence to the White House’s sole strategy of “withdrawal at any cost”. Ian Jardine says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM Muhammed Muhammed Muhammed LMAO! Thai Starkovich says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM This story reminds me of the directives we received in Afghanistan in regards to spotting a possible IED while mounted. When our unit first arrived, we would stop all vehicles upon spotting a suspicious object in or near the road. Scanning the area for triggermen, pressure plates and command wires, our element held up Afghan traffic anywhere from 10 minutes to two hours, depending on how long it took us or EOD to clear the suspicious object. As we all know, Afghanis are an industrious people and have places to go – Americans cannot just hold up traffic and deny commuters their freedom of travel simply because there MIGHT be a bomb in the road. If these hard-working businessmen and tradesmen cannot get to work on time, the entire infrastructure of Afghanistan is at stake. Knowing this fact, our chain of command promptly issued the order for American convoys to ram the suspicious object with the lead vehicle immediately upon identifying the potential threat. If it blew up, the trail vehicle waved traffic by – no more threat, no more reason to hold up traffic. If it didn’t blow up, the gunner in the lead truck would pop up and give a thumbs up to everyone within eyesight. We would carry on and traffic was not slowed. Needless to say, we lost a lot of good men before we realized that we should be filling the lead vehicle with the shit bags. Victory for us and the Afghanis – we quickly got rid of our substandard soldiers and never impeded Afghani traffic! Chris Whitmus says: February 26, 2014 at 12:39 AM I love the DB. The sad part is at times this does not feel so far from the truth. grenadier37 says: August 30, 2012 at 6:12 PM It’s bad enough you have to get pre approval from the HNIC, what really sucks is having to listen to the DOD musak while you’re on hold, it’s like being in a f**king elevator… I HATE ABBA! ExAFCrewDog says: August 23, 2012 at 1:26 PM War is Hell. Stuff gets blown up. People die. S**t happens. Collateral gets damaged. Live with it. If the folks who send our military into Harm’s Way” don’t “get it,” they shouldn’t be so f**k’g anxious to send them. They start something, they should get their weinie asses out of the way and let the professionals get on with their job. (see the above) ExAFCrewDog says: August 23, 2012 at 1:36 PM Okay, the above was posted because I’d never been on this site before and only after reading another page did I realize this place is not to be taken seriously! My bad. I stand by my comments. P May says: August 22, 2012 at 5:17 PM This article makes me lived knowing we have the best trained military in the world. I think they can tell the difference between a civilian, a goat, or the Taliban. However they must get return fire approaval from a President that has never served a day in the military. Bill Carney says: August 20, 2012 at 12:36 AM It may sound sarcastic- but the security element around the Marine Barracks in Beirut were prohibited from inserting a magazine or chanbering a round until after they had come under fire. Although I see the humor, somehow I don’t feel like laughing. Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: August 19, 2012 at 5:12 PM Obama is excited that he will get credit as a battlefield leader, due to the lack of any military service in this election. When he personally led the mission to kill Bin Laden, from Washington D.C., and made the gutsy call to kill the most wanted terrorist in American history, you know because that was a hard decision and all. I heard from a friend of mine that they are working on a system to speed up the process of approval by uplinking a helmet cam to Karzai and Obama so that they can confer with their top military advisors to decide when a shoot or no shoot situation is appropriate. This will work in conjunction with the call ahead process to insure that NO civilian casualties will occur on the battlefield. I also hear that all ISAF forces will be issued nerf weapons for the duration of the war. Promotion Staff says: August 23, 2012 at 1:43 PM What happened to the paint ball initiative so that we could identify the blue and green interaction? cjeans says: August 19, 2012 at 3:26 PM We need to steal Taliban arms and munnions and use them exclusively against everyone opposing us. Then the Taliban can be blamed for all deaths, even the goats! The only down side to this idea is that the average American soldier probably couldn’t hit a barn door 10 feet away with Taliban junk. runner1934 says: August 19, 2012 at 3:07 PM Great article! The really sad part is that it is not that far from the truth!. Army Spouse (P) says: August 20, 2012 at 12:26 AM Wow, this is great, but I have to agree, it’s good because its damn close to the truth. Let us fight or send us home. The topic for the next article should be “what are we doing here?” Redefining success when there is no clear mission. Each General and Colonel briefs their “success criteria” and like a game of telephone, by the time it gets to the troops on the ground the success criteria has become “don’t let the Afghanis rape a donkey.” Aaaaaaannd…. we win. Team America…. F’ yeah.