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SAN DIEGO, CA — The captain of a Navy ship damaged during a collision in the Mediterranean has been relieved of command and is facing charges, the Navy announced Tuesday.

Investigators say that the Captain was negligent in his duties — resulting in the USS Quandry colliding with Exxon Tanker Intrepid.

“It wasn’t my goddamn fault,” said Captain Williams. “I’m being railroaded for this crap.”

The collision occurred 37 miles off the coast of Benghazi. Twelve sailors aboard the Quandry were injured. Two crew members of the tanker were thrown overboard. Their bodies were never found.

As a result of the accident, Captain Jim Williams was relieved of command, and is facing charges of involuntary manslaughter.

Investigators contend their decision was based upon the fact that the collision “happened on his watch.”

“We have always held the Captain at fault in accidents. Hell, if we didn’t pin this on the Captain, where would all the finger-pointing stop, at some Admiral or God forbid, the President?” said Admiral Jonathan W. Greenert, Chief of Naval Operations. “We have to nip all future claims of damages in the bud, and the Captain is as good a scapegoat as any to keep the lawyers off our asses.”

Captain Williams is adamant in denying responsibility.

“I had six cups of coffee with dinner and I really needed to hit the head. The only crew member on the bridge with me at the time was Boatswain’s Mate (BM) Phillips. I told him to just sit there and not touch anything and I’d be back shortly.”

Soon after, Phillips saw a tanker 1500 yards ahead and decided to go around.

“The dumb-ass yelled ‘full speed ahead’ and cranked the wheel hard to port, directly into the path of the tanker. Seeing the ships heading for a collision, rather than take evasive action, the ass-wipe started screaming ‘hit the brakes – hit the brakes!’ Phillips then ran outside to yell a warning to the tanker.”

Visibly upset, the Captain continues with his account of the incident.

“I don’t see how I can be held accountable for some shitbird’s stupid actions. No wonder his mother put up him up for adoption last year. For crying out loud, even ‘Skipper’, our ship’s mascot won’t let that loser [Phillips] pet him.”

Investigators report a slightly different story, alleging that Williams had left the bridge 45 minutes prior to the collision to “take a leak” and got distracted. After the collision, the Captain was reportedly found in a ward room with Lt. Betsy Overman, the ship’s Morale Officer.

The Quandry’s XO, Commander Samantha O’Heara, defended the Captains actions.

“Hell, we’ve been floating around out here for over six months with no shore leave. The Captain may be considered a real asshole by most of the crew, but even assholes have needs. Besides, Betsy is a cute piece of ass. I’ve even thought about hittin’ it myself ever since DADT was rescinded.”