SAN DIEGO, CA – In an announcement today at Naval Base San Diego, the commander of the US Pacific Fleet (COMPACFLT) remarked that he was extremely proud of the “versatility and usefulness of the Navy Working Uniform (NWU).”
The uniform, which resembles the Marines’ desert and green colored digital MARPAT design, was introduced in 2008 amid controversy over its necessity for naval personnel.
“What the hell are we going to blend into with a blue camouflage pattern?” asked CT2 Brian Nathan, a sailor aboard the USS Makin Island. “I mean seriously — we’re in the Navy for chrissakes. We’re not pulling ninja moves on al Qaeda in the ocean.”
Despite sailor gripes over the change, the NWU was added to the long list of required clothing items — now estimated between 48 and 64 different uniforms.
“If they add any more fucking uniforms, I may have to sleep on the floor so there’s room in the coffin rack for the 3 seabags I need,” said HN Benjamin Rodriquez, a Corpsman who also has the honor of buying Navy and Marine Corps uniforms, bringing his total closer to 100.
Admiral Cecil D. Haney said that despite a few hiccups, sailors liked the uniform, saying that it was able to withstand more wear and tear as well as cover what some call BOSNIA, or Big Ol’ Standard Navy Issue Ass.
“This is the best working uniform we’ve ever had. There’s no question,” said Haney. “Sailors are able to work in a comfortable and durable uniform — and there’s also the benefit of camouflage protection from enemy observation.”
Haney continued to stress the importance of camoflauging Naval personnel at sea, even after a reporter asked “why that matters when they’re on a huge fucking gray ship.”
“Listen, this isn’t just me talking here. We have real data from our boys deployed right now,” said Haney. “In fact, we had two sailors go overboard just the other day off the USS Bonhomme Richard, and no one could spot them in the water. This design is fantastic!”
When pressed for more information on the two sailors lost at sea, the Admiral shrugged off any criticism.
“I’m sure they’re fine. I mean come on, we’ve got swim qual[ification]!” remarked Haney. “And not only that, these bad boys [the NWU trousers] can be used as a flotation device.”
Tragically, TDB learned that during a rescue attempt, the two sailors were shot after being mistaken as an enemy boarding party by Captain Erik King of the USS Haditha.