Veterans Affairs Hires 27,000 Additional Workers To Procrastinate, Collect Paycheck Paul August 9, 2012 News 39 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: PrevNextUse your ← → (arrow) keys to browse WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Veterans Affairs announced today that they were hiring 27,000 additional workers as claims processors. In a press release, the VA stated that the workers would join the ranks of the roughly 16,000 employees in the Veterans Benefits Administration who mostly “lose important paperwork, talk next to the water cooler, and occasionally process claims for pension and education benefits.” The announcement comes as benefits claims continue to rise. Some reports put the number at over 550,000 claims for disability benefits alone, with two-thirds of them still pending. Although Secretary Eric Shinseki says that the hiring initiative is a good thing, he’s hesitant to say it’s enough. “It’s a step in the right direction for sure, but we have other areas that need improvement,” said Shinseki. “We need at least 5,000 additional workers to help lose track of burials at the Cemetery Administration, and I’ve also lobbied for more paper at the Health Administration for the internal memos we keep writing about veteran suicide not being a big deal.” As part of a “Hiring Our Heroes” campaign, about half of the new employees will be transitioning military personnel that served in pay-grades of E-3 and below. “These soldiers bring considerable experience in hiding under the desk when someone comes by,” said Shinseki, “and really know how to put forth a convincing story of ‘already being tasked out’ by a non-existent supervisor.” The new hires will enter training classes over the next few months so that they can “hit the ground sitting,” according to Shinseki, and help streamline the Department. The training classes are set to be two weeks long and will cover a variety of topics. “The new joins will first learn about the VA and what we do, proper customer service procedures and how to avoid them, and the most effective way to shred medical records, among other things,” said Ronnie Johnson, training facilitator. “We’ll then get into more advanced procedures later — like how to not answer questions over the phone but make it seem like the question was answered.” Johnson says that the additional staff and their advanced training means veterans will receive “the very best.” “I remember when I first started at the VA. We didn’t have all this fancy training stuff,” said Johnson. “I actually had to learn how to pretend like the telephone connection went dead on-the-job. These guys really have it easy.” Secretary Shinseki closed by praising the dedicated employees that were working hard to not work hard. “The best thing about the VA are the people who make up our fine organization,” said Shinseki. “Whether it is the woman telling you to ‘hold your horses’ for the GI Bill payment you need in order to pay your rent, or the claims processor who’s lost your paperwork three times — veterans can be certain that we are always here to help.” Mohammed Mohsen Shaker says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM LOL Jason D Sousley says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM I do believe they are scouring local homeless shelters for perspective employees. Mrsg- N-Greyhawk says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM It won’t be enough. They’ll need hundreds of thousands of (former) troops to clear the backlog. Josh Noble says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM They could have just stayed in the military and sucked all the oxygen out of the room there by staying 20 years. If you think a 16 year E-8 can gain some weight, just wait until you see a government civilian! John Chalus says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM This is great. Now we can wait even longer for crucial services. Anonymous says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM the reason I know it was the cold war us army and usmc that has made govt stimulus possible is because I am the cold war us army usmc 1979 1982 vet who shook gods hand in 1986 thus made this possible. Anonymous says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM they will be paid with us govt stimulus cold war us army and usmc made possible while most cold war us vets are in us prison the 666 hollywood tv radio media sex fever has made usa dumb as doo doo. Ask Nod says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM You do the Seattle RO a great disservice with no honorable mention at all. They granted me tinnitus after forgetting to for 13 years but dropped my HCV claim. I got it back on track (5 mo.) after the VSO told me to sit tight. Then they dropped my AO claim when they finished the HCV one. I pointed it out on 9/27/08. I had my rating with no C&P on 10/3/08. Don’t tell us they can’t be goosed into working occasionally. It’s just like growing corn but takes a lot longer than 90 days. A lot longer. Joe Oliver says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM Kinda off topic.. but I hope you grab and post around town.. this is not satire. Noted there were some AO Vets posting here so this is relevant to them and their kids. I met Betty at the First NAS in DC 199w2 area on health affects of AO/Dioxins on NamVets.. she is righteous and has worked hard for many years for the kids of AO Vets. Honor a vet by signing the Children’s Center Petition. We need you to sign the Veterans’ Petition. I am contacting you today because BDRC needs your help in spreading awareness and raising momentum for a petition that we are starting on Causes.com a crowdfunding site that supports many different causes. We want to petition for a ‘Children’s Center’ that would be staffed by specialists who could diagnose and treat veterans’ children who have birth defects and developmental disabilities. The center would provide free diagnosis and treatment for their serious health conditions and work with their doctors back home to continue care in their own communities. -Betty Mekdeci, Executive Director http://tinyurl.com/b5lhcgr. Birth Defect Research for Children wants you to join us in raising public awareness about the continuing effects of Agent Orange on Vietnam Veterans’ children! There is power in numbers. The more signatures we receive, the more our voices will be heard. Signing this petition will help thousands of Vietnam Veterans’ children that are in dire need of specific medical treatment related to Agent Orange exposure. Be a supporter and sign the petition on the behalf of ALL veterans! Lowell Hall says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM awesome Joe Oliver says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM a parody that mimics truth, sadly. Mike Harris says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM What started out as a satire website has become legit news reporting. Bill Sloan says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 AM They are accelerating the hiring so that they can enjoy all of the the 3-day sequester weekends during 2013. Crazy Cracker says: September 5, 2012 at 12:34 PM Do you get a sign on Black Beret bonus? You know..one that makes you feel like your part of an elite group? Kevin McQuade says: September 2, 2012 at 2:17 PM Is that HATE SPEACH agin the poor fedeRALLY UNI nONE worker Jist a’cryin TA Put fude on da FABLE?? DEY is stil a’ woorkin of FINGERING out what IS IS? come on some times the truth HURTS SO BAD all you can do is SPIN IT STIR IT UP and IT COMES OUT HEAR!! RC says: October 12, 2012 at 6:54 PM ….. well said! Rick James says: August 18, 2012 at 8:07 PM The RVSR training is two months off site, not two weeks. Darrell B says: August 17, 2012 at 4:41 PM I hope they include some IT people to make the benefits application process through VONAPP 100% impossible. I need redirection to at least 5 different sites before I give up and just pay for shit out of my own pocket. Wzrd1 says: August 17, 2012 at 9:02 PM Got it covered for you! No aggravating redirects. Just perpetual “Down for maintenance.” kp says: August 10, 2012 at 11:12 AM Shouldn’t there be some training on recognizing forged DD-214’s so the phonies aren’t forced to wait for their disability checks like actual veterans? GI Zhou says: August 10, 2012 at 12:56 AM Shhot, I thought they were talking about the Australian Department Against Veteran’s. Wzrd1 says: August 17, 2012 at 9:00 PM Six of one, half dozen of the other. Josh says: August 9, 2012 at 3:46 PM Read that right before a va appt today and could barely keep a straight face. Michelle Lotz-lynch says: August 9, 2012 at 11:21 AM Micah, brav fucking o…I bow to your sarcasm. dwadafam says: August 9, 2012 at 10:05 AM I am the queen of procrastination and laziness, where do I apply? RipWaxmaster says: August 9, 2012 at 11:28 AM Oh me too me too! We can team up and out-perform everyone in our field. “Service below and behind the call of duty” could be our motto. Whaddya think? Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: August 10, 2012 at 2:19 PM Hard work pays off over time lazyness pays off right now! With the new promotion system that is based on merit and not time I may want to look into this… micah says: August 9, 2012 at 9:36 AM Also the VA is trying to secure an additional $7.5 million to build a suitable smoke pit for the new employees. Consisting of authentic sand shipped in from 29 Palms, old rail road ties for seating and hundreds of empty 50cal can for all the butts. Paul says: August 9, 2012 at 9:57 AM False. It’s $7.5 billion. Wzrd1 says: August 17, 2012 at 8:59 PM You know the saying. Do less with more! RipWaxmaster says: August 9, 2012 at 11:35 AM Who needs butt cans? Just toss it on the sidewalk when you’re done. Inefficiency and laziness is the key to success in any endeavor; even when you’re properly disposing of spent cigarettes. It’s hard work but it pays dividends later one, brah. RonnieSmith says: November 13, 2012 at 12:42 AM Good call Rip. Then we could task some troops out to pick up the butts. Make sure to only select non-smokers for that detail though.