KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – An American Flag bought online for an Anti-U.S. protest nearly died of smoke inhalation yesterday from the fumes of burning protesters who in an attempt to light the flag on fire, instead negligently set themselves ablaze.
The flag, who goes by the name of Serial Number: 01023492, claims that all he remembers was being taken out of his box by a number of apparently disgruntled Middle Eastern men, which he identified instantly by their anti-American chants and misspelled signs.
“At first I thought I was at an Occupy Wall St. protest, and that things were probably going to be alright when I saw signs that read, ‘Don’t Disgrace our Profits’, but then I realized it was a group of pissed off Taliban protesters when I read another that read, ‘I’m here to kill Americans [Shoot Me].'”
The scene became quite dire for Flag 01023492 when the Taliban members tried to light him on fire with a Bic lighter. Due to his Nylon composition, ignition was difficult to achieve, and out of frustration the flag was thrown to the ground.
“Another flag was taken out of its box, and when they began pulling cans of stolen JP8 out of the beds of their Bongo trucks I knew he was done for. They started dousing him in fuel, which I noticed was being carelessly thrown all over the place, including themselves. Additionally one of the members forgot to put the cap on the container allowing for fuel vapor to disperse over the area. The flag was then hoisted up on a stick, and I couldn’t watch any more of the cowardly acts.”
Flag 01023492 went on to claim that the Taliban began playing the knock off of a Blue Oyster Cult song titled, “Taliburnin’ for You” over the loud speakers usually designated for daily prayers. It was then that all hell broke loose when the guy with the lighter tripped over one of the command detonation wires they were intending on using later, and lit himself on fire. Of course with no knowledge of Stop, Drop, and Roll he began to run around at random.
Everyone tried to get out of his way, but he ran into a fellow protestor and instantly lit his fuel-soaked man dress in the process.
“Eventually the vapors lit and the can blew, and before I it knew they were all a pile of burning falafel kabobs. I immediately began having difficulty breathing because of the all the smoke from the burning remains, but soon a patrol of American troops came along and rescued me.”
“He was in dire straits,” stated Combat Medic SGT Roman Polowski, “I really didn’t know if he was going to make it. I immediately began to perform interventions consisting of irrigating his stars and stripes with Saline, and drying him off with oxygen using a non-rebreather mask.”
Upon arriving back in the United States he was admitted to Walter Reed Army Medical Center for further rehabilitation.
“We expect him to make a full return to duty, but aren’t pushing him too hard. As of right now he is assigned to half staff duty which has unfortunately been occurring at a much higher rate lately. It won’t be too long before Flag 01023492 will be flying proudly at full staff.” stated Dr. Shannon Ross, a distant granddaughter of Betsy Ross.
Flag 01023492 is being meritoriously promoted to honor flag, and is set to return to full duty soon at the Pentagon. There are also rumors that he may even be awarded a medal for “bravery under fire and for the termination of multiple Taliban fighters.”
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